Hi Reddit! I’m Claudia Delgado and I work with Cheaters. AMA.

Do you ever work with couples where the issue is emotional cheating instead of physically cheating? Is the approach to healing the same or different? Are the challenges the same?

Hi Katet005. Thank you for your question. I do work with people whom have been in emotional affairs. The healing process is the same and I can add the emotional affairs tend to be more difficult as many times the cheater falls in love with the AP.

From your experience and the people you’ve worked with, do you personally see more men cheating or more women cheating?

In my experience, I see more women. But that does not mean more women cheat.

Interesting, I’ve been hearing more women cheating than men recently. Do you think it’s always been this way for the past 100 years? Or do you think men cheated more, but somewhere along the way women surpassed the men with cheating?

I honestly have no idea.

What's the success rate of marriages after someone cheats?

Hi Ks1014z great question. I do not have a specific rate and I can tell you from my experience, if the cheater is remorseful for not only hurting their partner but also for the actual affair AND The betrayed partner is open to the healing process which could be very painful, the success rate is high.

So, overall, fairly low?

I would say fairly high. People just don’t talk about it. There is a shame associated these days with staying with someone that has cheated. Society says, “Once a cheater always a cheater” or “if you stay, second time is your fault”. So many people experience infidelity and quietly work really hard to come up on the other side. But this is when BOtH people are actively working on relationship.

I have heard that people whose parents cheated are a lot more likely to cheat in a relationship. How true is that?

Hi Slawterdu. In my experience, when people have had a parent that cheats and is not remorseful, it can lead to similar behavior as an adult. However, it is also true that the same child whom witnessed the pain that cheating caused their other parent and themselves is enough to do the complete opposite.

What are the most common circumstances you have found that lead to infidelity in marriages?

Hi CarpoLarpo. There are many that people state. Here are a few.

Struggling through a midlife crisis

Having a major event in your life happen such as a death

The loss of a career

The feeling of wanting to try something taboo

Feeling unloved or as if not enough time/attention was given to them in the current relationship

The feeling of time being limited

Sex being offered to you, many times by someone unattractive to you, believing that no one would ever find out.

Can you elaborate on the last point? What are some some reasons for someone to engage in infidelity with someone they’re not attracted to?

Often times it can be an opportunity where sex is offered and even if no attraction, the “excitement” of being wanted by someone else is a turn on. Also, there are many people that can separate themselves in a way where they focus only on the sensations of sex and use imagination during sex to imagine they are with someone they are attracted to.

If there is a significant difference in libido, is discussing and trying an open relationship a viable alternative to some of the conditions mentioned, above?

I would first recommend going to primary doctor to see if there are underlying medical reasons for decreased libido. Then I would recommend a Sexologist/Sex Therapist.

why do people who cheat not just break up with the one they are with? Do they not believe they've severely done something hurtful to someone who loves them?

Like I've never been able to logically follow. If you're in a marriage or relationship and you cheat on your partner, you clearly don't respect and or love them enough. Why not just break up so you can have your sex adventures without hurting someone? My brain just can't comprehend it.

This is a very good question. When cheating happens, in many case the cheater believes they are doing harmless actions that they incorrectly justify in the very beginning. It then snowballs and turns into a rush of excitement doing something sneaky. They do not consider the feelings of the other person at the moment and truly believe that as long as no one gets caught, no one gets hurt.

That is just one example though. There are other situations in which the cheater truly doesn’t love or care about the other person and should walk away instead of cheating. There are too many reasons to list here and either way, the betrayal is extremely painful for the betrayed.

What would your advice be to people who have been put off completely from dating because of the horror stories of cheating they've heard or even seen their own friends engage in?

Hi Shellshocktm. In the situation there are a few things. There are many people who do not cheat or believe cheating is OK. Surrounding yourself around people of this mindset can definitely help. Also, individual therapy can be a good way of overcoming fears due to things we have seen or experienced.

How did you get into this career? In what way does it affect your personal life?

Hi Cathersx3. I experienced lots of infidelity in my past both indirectly and directly. It was a journey in which I wanted to know the why so many did this if it causes so much pain. I wanted to know if with help it would make a difference or not. And in my personal life, I saw many happy endings as well as sad ones. So my hope was to help those that I could.

I am fortunate that I can separate work from personal life. But I also do not work with people I know personally and do lots of self care which includes my own therapy.

If there's cheating but then there's remorse, forgiveness, and seemingly, reconciliation, but without professional help (just the partners painfully talking some of it out). Would you say it might be legit and enough? Could something have been missed and then flare up in the future again?

I have one more question if I may. If the cheating involved a romantic/emotional relationship, and the cheater claims they will stop it but remain "friends" only. Could that still work in any way? Any tips to make it work or navigate that?

Thanks so much! Really appreciate your time answering these. :)

Hi Mrtnrd. A couple can definitely work things out without help of a therapist and be enough. It is extremely hard and is possible. Without therapy, things may be “missed” but nothing that can’t be fixed later on if both are in a better place now. Flare ups can happen regardless of therapy or not. Key is to address them head on and right away.

To address second part, I highly recommend all contact with affair partner to cease. Feelings can rekindle and temptation of something familiar is a risk. It can work, however I would not recommend it as it is very risky. If a friendship must take place aka they have kids with your partner or are somehow related to you, then having strict boundaries in place are very important.

I guess this is more about what the betrayed party can do to better “get over it.”

Is it at all healthy to tell the betrayed party that they aren’t allowed to talk about it? There was some lying/betrayal with a third party involved in my previous relationship and once I found out, we talked, I was upset, and a few weeks later her position was that I needed to get over it. It made me feel less over it than ever before and it led to a lot of contempt on her part for my desire to still want to talk about it. I guess it just never felt resolved for me and I have engaged in a lot of self blame because our relationship ended, at least according to her, because of my inability to get over things. “Our problems would not exist if you’d just shut your f***ing mouth and get the hell over it” and so on. Talking about it was not ok with her and if I brought it up at all, a switch would flip and she’d get extremely angry.

Was there some kind of better path we could have taken? I forgave her, but I just didn’t want her to do it again and it felt like it was me who was the problem and that she thought so too.

I’m so sorry about your situation.

Part of healing is allowing the betrayed partner to ask as many questions as needed for as long as needed. This can be months of questions that eventually end. Asking questions, even the same ones over, comes from betrayed partner wanting to heal and being in pain. It is an essential component.

If you like, I would recommend you going to my website and reading the 2 short articles I have. AffairRecoveryCounseling.com

I hope they will be very helpful to you.

How often happens for someone in a straight couple to be cheated on with a same sex affair? Does the homosexual affair make it worse?

Hi Mark-Rho. Thank you for your question. Someone cheating with same sex AP happens often. in my experience, The betrayal hurts just as bad and the healing process can look a bit different.

Hi Claudia! I have two if that’s okay

•What’s the biggest thing you’ve learned working with these individuals?

•What made you want to work specifically with them?

Hi PillsburyToaster.

Thank you for your questions.

1) Cheaters experience lots of pain as well as grief and loss after an affair. They need help too. A cheating situation does not solely define a person. *I will state I work with people whom have remorse about cheating or *shame about how things occurred.

2) I experienced lots of infidelity indirectly and directly. I wanted to know why so many people in my personal life did what they did. Especially when it hurt so many people. And some of these people were people that I loved and respected. I didn’t want to just “throw them away” because they cheated. That is where my journey began. I wanted to see where I could help and if I could make a difference

What constitutes an ‘emotional affair?’ How does it differ from a close friendship?

Thank you for your question. Short answer: An emotional affair is where very intimate moments are exchanged. They are usually secret and one or the other fantasizes about the other being their perfect other half or wanting to be together. Often times emotional affairs begin as friendships. In most cases, one person has a crush on the other in beginning stages.

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First off, I’m very happy to hear you are both on the other side of such a traumatic event in your life.

One thing that helps some people are acknowledging whatever feeling they are having “It sounds like you are feeling xyz today” and then let them vent. It is suggested not trying to offer “fix it” comments. This is showing you can sit with them in their feelings even if they are “bad” feelings. This doesn’t work for everyone and does for many.

However, if it’s persistent, therapy could be very beneficial to uncover triggers to his emotions and how to manage them long term.

In your opinion, do people generally know when they’re being cheated on?

Otherwise, when they find out they’ve been cheated on, do they realise there were signs all along?

I believe it’s hard to successfully conceal cheating unless the cheated partner doesn’t want to know. What are your thoughts on this?

Hi. Thanks for your question. In my experience, many people have a gut feeling something is not right and do not want to “throw away a marriage” for a gut feeling. They want proof. If gaslighting occurs, which often times happens, the betrayed really doubts themselves as their partner is someone they trust. It’s a process of discovery that turns into a pain that can be as deep as the death of a loved one. People hold out hope that the cheating is not possible because of the trauma that comes with facing it.

Also, some people truly don’t know until Discovery Day. Looking back, these betrayed partners do often see off behavior that might have hinted something was not right but not enough for them to doubt anything at the moment.

Would you consider humans are monogamous?

Hi Picomtg. I can only say that in my experience, I have seen both people who could not live in a monogamous relationship and feel fulfilled in life and others that could truly not live outside of a monogamous relationship.

What is the most common reason for cheating? What is the reason we should most importantly look put for?

How can the couple avoid both of the reasons scenarios above?

Hi T_Wrekx. Thank you for your question.

There are many underlying reasons an affair can take place.

Some reasons could be things such as:

Struggling through a midlife crisis

Having a major event in your life happen such as a death

The loss of a career

The feeling of wanting to try something taboo

Sex being offered to you, many times by someone unattractive to you, believing that no one would ever find out.

Things that could possibly be red flags would include someone all of the sudden being very secretive about their phone. Someone suddenly changing appearance for no reason. Someone suddenly no longer wanting to engage in intimacy. Someone making lots of plans without wanting to include the other partner. I would like to add though that these are not things that automatically mean someone is cheating and it would have to be a combination of many for it to be a red flag.

A few things that help with staying connected is to maintain a dating relationship in the marriage. This includes going out together on a regular basis alone. Also making sure as much as possible that both people truly listen to the other person when it comes to small things. For example, if your spouse was to say a funny joke, for you to actually turn to them without a phone in hand and listen to the joke and laugh. If your partner said something interesting happened at work, put your phone down, turn to them and engage in what they have to say. If someone says, “look at this cool thing on TV” the other person goes and looks. This goes both ways. Small but mighty actions of daily connection such as a hug or kiss every morning and 5-10 mins of uninterrupted time of how your day was. Talk about what each other likes in bed openly.

I will end in saying that there is nothing that can be done to avoid infidelity if someone wants to cheat. The above are things simply to strengthen a marriage.

Hi Claudia! Loved reading through some of your answers. In your experience, what made a cheater actually want to change and “be better”?

Hi Kierkegaardians! :)

Guilt is a big one because some people do not feel guilty for cheating.

Love for their spouse. Having to see someone you love in so much pain that was caused by something you did is a real “punch in the gut” and wanting to make their pain go away.

Feeling of being a failure in a marriage.

Pain associated with Loss of their family unit and loss of seeing children regularly due to family separating.

Loss of their home aka their safe place, friends and seeing extended family split.

Shame, embarrassment.

Did you ever have a couple that seemed impossible to fix, and if so how do you motivate yourself for work?

Hi I_am_Lizzy. I actually only work with individuals not couples. I have worked with couples in the past and I can tell you that I always hold hope for them as if they are actively participating in therapy, they are both trying. ❤️ Unfortunately, some relationships won’t survive and goal changes to how to communicate as most times children are involved. Healthy relationships can still be a positive outcome even if it’s strictly for coparenting.

Hi Claudia. Bit of a left field question.

I have a friend who cheated on her then-husband years ago, which led to therapy and ultimately a split.

In the years since, she is incredibly open about those events in a way that is unflattering to her - even with people who I don’t believe she knows very well. It’s strange to me, as she’s otherwise a pretty guarded person when it comes to her personal life.

I’ve always wondered - do counsellors typically advise clients in my friend’s situation to be so open about their cheating? My theory is that she got advice that “owning it” might help her move on, because otherwise I can’t understand why she puts it out there.

Hi ThePalmlsle. Thank you for your question. In my experience, I do not Advise clients either way. Most people, if not all the people that I work with do not share this particular type of information.

In your experience, do you see many people who have been faithful in the past and have been cheated on end up cheating in their next relationships?

Hi. Thank you for your question. I do not. Usually when that happens, the person who was cheated on doesn’t want a future partner that they love to feel the pain that they did.

Hi Claudia,

I have so many questions! I've unfortunately been directly and peripherally impacted by cheating a number of times.

How would you define cheating if you had to give it a formal definition?

Do you see any interesting correlations in your work with cheaters? like, correlations with depression, age, length of relationship, finances, etc.?

Do you find much value in focusing on objective reality/truth when working with people who've cheated?

Do you ever see cheating lead to healthy open relationship agreements?

Do you think that couples where cheating events happen multiple times early in the relationship should bother to stay together? I have a friend whose partner has cheated multiple times already, and it's only been a couple of months. They're still trying to make it work... It's literally none of my business but I can't help but be flabbergasted.

Hi.

1) Secret Romantic or Physical or Virtual Relationship with someone outside marriage. (I say this very loosely as there are many different definitions of cheating depending on a persons belief system.)

2) So far no. Each situation has unique set of circumstances but the healing process tends to be the same.

3) Yes, but rarely. Many people are not open to an open relationship marriage.

4) This depends on the situation. I’ve worked with people whom had affairs and once caught, never did it again … as far as I’m aware … due to seeing how much loss and pain was involved as a consequence of behavior. However, if caught and cheating continues, very unlikely for change to occur at this point of their life.

Can relationships work when some level of cheating is acceptable? Couples turning a blind eye to each other straying- and how do boundaries get established? Thanks!

That would be more along the lines of an open marriage in which both parties know, but haven’t necessarily discussed. Those relationships can work.

Thanks- I was thinking about a situation where it’s not acknowledged consciously, how the boundaries would be communicated if not. So not quite an open marriage. I know of a couple who have been together for decades and their cheating has become something of an open secret if not an open relationship.

I wish I had an answer for you and I don’t know. I have not worked with anyone in this situation and I too have seen this with people I know personally.

Was there ever a truly dangerous situation where police had to intervene, or you all had to high tail it out of there?

Hi 3rdRateChump. Thanks for your post. I do not work on the show Cheaters. I work with people that cheat in a marriage in therapy. Hope that clarifies things. :)

I just got cheated on about 2 weeks ago, and some of your answers are spot on

Is it ok to return to a relationship with the person ? Yes

Is it hard ? Yes

Once a cheater always a cheater? No

Is society super critic on going back to the relationship? Yes

I think I'm ready to continue my relationship with her, that being said, what is the cheat ratio regarding age difference + age?

Asking since I think that younger ppl cheat more due to immaturity, and big age gap in couples also contributes on that.

Thoughts on age gap and age for cheating individuals ?

First off. I am so sorry about what happened 2 weeks ago.

I have worked with several people in which one person was much older. I can’t say older person is less likely to be one that cheats as I’ve seen equal amounts. Sometimes the older person cheated because they thought they had a better connection with someone they believed was more mature.

What if one party, the cheater, feels awful and the couple goes through therapy, does the work, makes changes, tries to make amends... and the other partner just wants to bring up the violation and never move past it?

Great Question. The process of healing for the betrayed can take over a year. Usually 18 months for the initial part. During the first part of recovery, the betrayed will have lots of questions. Sometimes the same question over and over. This is part of the healing and in most cases, it does not mean that they are not wanting to move forward. Eventually questions will be less and less as months go on. Individual therapy can help both people in this process as it is lengthy and painful for both.

Good to hear. Lots of questions and same questions over and over is familiar to me - as well as couples and individual therapy.

Is 3 years long enough to process? At what point does one decide the other just isn't interested in trying to make things ok?

The time span of healing is different for every relationship. And in order for the relationship to work, both people have to actively want the relationship to work and both to do the work towards that. This includes the betrayed person. The betrayed person must have a goal of wanting to work things out and give room for healing. The ultimate goal must be to forgive partner (could take a couple years) if partner is remorseful and showing actions that they are remorseful over time. What that might look like would be betrayed partner giving their partner the benefit of the doubt that their partner is doing the things necessary to heal relationship. Also, the betrayed partner being open to starting a romance and friendship as part of healing. Some betrayed partners are unable to move forward as the pain is too much to bare.

In your opinion how does the cheating being outed openly (friends or family) vs being only known to people involved affect success rates?

Thank you for your question. When an affair is made public, it affects many people not directly involved. For example, if a man’s wife cheats and his mother was to find out, it could cause the husbands mother to have very Ill feelings towards wife even if they want to work on marriage. When infidelity occurs and people want to work on marriage, both parties need support. This is when individual therapy and couples therapy can be very beneficial. I do not have any success rates to share based on above and can say that many times, several people knowing may complicate things.

I agree completely! This is really awesome that you’re able to help people in a time of darkness, so thank you for that.

💗

Is there ever a possibility in your mind that human beings aren't meant to mate for life with a single partner and that's a primary reason behind infidelity?

Thank you for your question. In my experience, There are some people that cannot live a life of monogamy and be fulfilled in life. On the other hand, there are many people whom could not live outside of a monogamous situation.

Do you have any favorite books, websites, blog posts that you recommend?

Thank you for your question. I have some blogs that may be helpful on my website under articles. AffairRecoveryCounseling.com

Do you have any tips for friends that are highly invested/angry at the cheater on behalf of the partner?

So I have this friend A that cheated on their partner and the partner accepted to move past that, but friend B is super mad at common friend A for cheating (despite no relationship to the partner). To boot, second friend B has been an affair partner very recently so I am having a hard time trying to listen and help her navigate with this anger...

Hi. I apologize and I do not have any recommendations for you. It sounds like Fríend B has complicated feelings.

That's fair to say. Thank you for taking the time for this ama, it was informative.

Of course :)

What should you do when your partner is certain that you cheated but you haven’t?

Unfortunately there is not much you can do if they do not believe you.

The lead pastor at my wife's church has been having an affair for several years and, according to his ex wife, this isn't the first time. Have you seen any correlation between narcissism and cheating? I ask because he's got all the classic signs of being a narcissist, and I wonder if he just needed even more attention than his wife, family, and even the congregation could provide.

Hi Itsjustbeej. When I come across a person that is narcissistic, I refer out to a therapist whom specializes in that. I do not work with this population as I do not feel I’m not a good fit. I apologize I cannot answer your question better.

Any advice for people struggling with trust issues with their current partner after having an unfaithful past relationship?

Hi. Suggestion I would give someone is to try individual therapy to work on past trauma so that current relationship does not suffer for someone else’s mistakes.

Have you ever worked with polyamorus clients?

What do you wish people knew about your like of work?

1) Not yet, no. 2) People that have cheated can change and not repeat cycle when they are remorseful but it takes lots of work. They too experience pain and need help.

Have you ever had a client that tried initiating a relationship with you?

No

In your opinion, are all cheaters narcissistic? Also, do any of them show any remorse?

Thank you for your question. There are many cheaters that are not narcissistic. However there are narcissistic people that cheat. I do not work with this population and I refer out when I come across it.

What's the weirdest story you have?

Hi. Thank you for your question. Because of confidentiality, I am unable to discuss specific situations.

Do most of the couples you work with consider masturbation cheating? for those that don't when does the line start, one could start with porn, then cam sites, and end up paying large amounts of money for a specific person's only fans. I have seen this happen with my friend's marriage and I didn't fully understand. I masturbate frequently, I also still have sex with my wife daily after 2 years of marriage, and I never could understand why someone would jeopardize a real human relationship for a one-way porn relationship.

Hi Bpopbpo. Hope I got that right. :)

Most people I work with do not consider masturbation cheating. Many people masturbate and do not cheat.

What you are explaining in the later part of your comment sounds like Sex Addiction. I refer out to a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist when this is the case. People I work with do not struggle with addiction.

What can you say about BPD and cheating?

Thank you for your question. Once someone has BPD, I refer out to someone who specializes with that. That is not my specialty.

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Thank you for your question Galstar82. In a situation like this, a Sexologist/Sex Therapist would be referred.

Hi Claudia. Does the cheater’s gender play an important factor in salvaging his/her marriage? I know there’s much more to it but can you really see a pattern there?

Hi Banthan. As of yet, I have not seen gender play a role. I do see more women in my practice and that wouldn’t mean more women cheat. What I do see is that often it is much harder to recover from an emotional affair than a physical one.

Do you like what you do? It seems hard.

I really do. 💗

Do you ever have any that are not remorseful at all? And if so, did they say why they did it, and why they aren’t remorseful?

Thank you for your question. I have not worked with anyone that is not remorseful about all or parts of the infidelity. Most people whom seek out help in therapy are in some type of pain and need help. I can only assume, people whom are not remorseful would not seek out my particular service.

.

Is it a form of addiction/ selfharm?

If people know it's wrong or will harm others yet continue unabated leading to requiring therapy?

Hi. I apologize and I don’t understand your question. I can tell you that I work with people that have cheated and are either remorseful about having cheated or shameful about some of their decisions. There are people that do have a sex addiction or others that are narcissistic. Both of those are two types of people that I refer out to different therapists with that specialty.

Hi Claudia,

What's your point of view regarding masterbation without the other partner knowing about it?

Hi Ciao1974. Many people masturbate without other partner knowing. Most of the time, the other person knows that it happens but not Necessarily exactly when or how often.

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Hi GGJallDay. Many times cheating is not about sex but about wanting connection with someone else. So to your question, many people I work with do not watch porn.

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Majority of people I have worked with do not cheat with goal of sexual release and have only had one longer term affair. I can add that I do not work with sexual addiction which may possibly fit more with your theory. But I’m not certain.

Can you elaborate whether female cheating on male, or male cheating on female has higher chance of reconciliation?

Hi DexQuincy. Thank you for your question. Reconciliation depends on if cheating partner is remorseful of hurting partner And having the affair as well as betrayed wanting to work on saving relationship. In my experience, it does not have higher or lower rate based on gender.

.

Hi, what area do you work in and what is the best method for referring clients to you? Also, would you recommend any further reading for those that have cheated and/or been cheated on ?

Hi. Thank you for your question. I am licensed in California and in Florida. I provide online therapy therefore it could be for anyone in the state. Best way would be by email if someone referred or by going straight to the website and requesting a free consultation. I have a few articles on my website for further reading for those who have been cheated on or have cheated. I hope this information is helpful. My website is AffairRecoveryCounseling.com and email is [email protected]

How do you feel about open relationships or ENM?

Those relationships work very well for many people however these relationships have clear boundaries and rules about what is acceptable and what is not. Even though there is an open relationship, cheating can still occur if it breaks the rules set by both parties.

Resources for other therapist who occasionally are treating people in these situations? Both from the side of the cheater and the cheated?

Secondly- what is your general advice when someone comes to you and they are currently engaged in the affair or cheating?

Hi Sheldoneousk. Thank you for your question. I have a few articles on my website that can be helpful to both sides. AffairRecoveryCounseling.com I also recommend material by Ester Perel. Her video on YouTube Rethink Infidelity is very good. These resources are good to give to clients. I also offer free 10 min consults to other therapists at the moment.

When someone comes to therapy and is actively cheating, it depends on goal they have. If it is a couple then straight out I let them know that in order for recovery to work, affair has to be completely over. If I’m seeing just the cheater, it may be how to work on telling partner about affair, processing reasons affair happened in order to help cycle not to repeat itself, exploring emotions that could include fears of loosing marriage. These are just a few things that come to mind at the moment.

Thank you for the response. Will def. Check out your site and the videos you recommended.

As to the other question do you always make (encourage) the cheater to tell their partner? So much pushback when that is suggested as you probably know.

You are Correct. There is pushback. I bring it up however I don’t push it. Sometimes they are not ready to make that step right away. As therapists we have to meet them where they are at.

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Hi Larry. Thanks for your post. I do not work with the show cheaters. I work with people that have cheated in a marriage in therapy. Hope this clarifies.