IAMA White guy who successfully integrated into a Punjabi family without a swordfight. AMA

Ps. Totally worth it on all counts. Punjabi women are amazingly beautiful and mine's an amazing woman on so many counts. Our kids are also awesome.

So you ruined her family by marrying her.

I didn't break anything that wasn't already broken. Her siblings and mother feel like I've brought a lot of good things to their family.

Edit: It's an honest observation and on-topic. No need to downvote this guy to oblivion.

That edit might be the classiest thing I've seen on the internet in a long long time.

I concur.

lol @ username

I'm Punjabi myself so I said "ruined her family" within the strict scope of Punjabi culture.

What is the relationship like with the rest of her family? Uncles, aunts, cousins? On both accounts of you and her. If you don't mind.

I don't mind answering...

My relationship is very close with her immediate family (father in law excepted). The other cousins and whatnot mostly live in the UK so I don't see them all that often. When I do see them, they're very pleasant and welcoming.

My family has accepted my wife a bit reluctantly but it's more because my sister caused a big drama-filled shitstorm around our wedding that was nothing to do with my wife being Sikh and more to do with my sister being an incredible shit wizard.

My family thinks my in-laws take advantage of me because I've had to help them through some stuff (eg. letting my mother-in-law move in) and it bugs me that they act that way but I don't let their shitty attitude impact my relationship with my inlaws.

This just in: Local redditor coins the term "Shit wizard", is asked to be Hegemon of Earth next day.

Yes! I'm more of a Valentine than a Peter. My youngest son's middle name is Ender. I love him more than the others.

My family thinks my in-laws take advantage of me because I've had to help them through some stuff (eg. letting my mother-in-law move in) and it bugs me that they act that way but I don't let their shitty attitude impact my relationship with my inlaws.

You're a good man for that. Speaking as a punjabi, thats a big difference in our culture and white culture. Your family may think you are doing a favour for your in-laws, but for a Punjabi man (congrats, you're a punjabi man) your in-laws are now like your second parents. Its a matter of great shame to put them in a nursing home in our culture, and you taking care of your mother in law will earn you major points with any punjabis you meet

TIL that I am a punjabi man. Not sure how I feel about that. lol

I understand that all. But going into the marriage you should have known that taking care of your in-laws was probably going to happen. And as long as you knew that I would say what anybody else says is null. Sikh/Punjabi girls are very modest, conservative and great wives in every sense of the word. You more than likely found yourself a gold mine of a wife. And I promise you your kids will all be something great when they are older. Just be a typical Punjabi dad and make sure they are suited for marriage by 18 :P

I won't be taking care of my in-laws, nor will my father or stepmom be living with me while I'm older.

Nor will I be wearing a turban during my wedding.

And I'm marrying a Punjabi girl. You sir are more Punjabi than I, and I'm Punjabi Indian.

Edit - BTW that picture is hilarious. You look like you could pass for a red-bearded Punjabi man. You're even built like a Jatt lmao.

I was warned that taking care of the in-laws came with the territory but assumed that taking care of my MIL was not part of the deal. I'm not bitter - it's just not what I was expecting at this stage in my life. Luckily, my MIL is a lovely woman and a great help around the house.

On how many counts exactly is she amazing?

99 counts and a bitch ain't one.

Our kids are also awesome, he thought about it for a second... ಠ_ಠ

Hahahaha. We're potty training one of them right now so some days... I could choke them.

Can't breathe, can't poo, dude.

not true! squeeze from the top down, like a tube of toothpaste.

This concept needs more publicity.

I'm a Sikh girl and once to fuck with my family I told them I was dating my Black-Muslim friend. My dad almost had a heart attack and my mom still hates my friend for playing along. It was glorious!

Oh man. That's just cruel. lol. Deliciously cruel. I approve.

Me too. I'm a gora.

• Married 5 years.
• Got married in a turban on Saturday and a morning suit on Sunday.
• Two kids.
• No punches, but had to give all my money to the women outside the house before I was let in (tradition -- they say).
• Father-in-law was fine, a little apprehensive but we got the mother and brothers on-side before the subject was raised and I was officially introduced.
• Everything turned out well over here too.

I still get dirty looks from Indian men when I'm walking down the street with my wife. I'm mostly oblivious.

Upvote for "gora". I still get paranoid when I hear my Mother-in-Law talking about "gora"s until I remember that it sounds a lot like "pills" and she's just talking about her meds.

but had to give all my money to the women outside the house before I was let in (tradition -- they say).

I forgot about that but yes, I had to do that too. Very traditional.

I still get dirty looks from Indian men when I'm walking down the street with my wife. I'm mostly oblivious.

Me too.

haha gora pakora, my mom uses that term a lot. The part about giving your money to her sisters is supposed to be a bargaining thing where you and your 'brothers' try and buy your way into your wife's house to take her home. Or something like that. If you gave them a couple thousand you got ripped off :P

lol I think I gave my sister-in-law $100.

Did you ever spontaneously break out into a big song and dance number and then everything was okay?

No, but I did learn how to dance Bollywood style for the wedding.

• Screwing in the lightbulb? Check
• Dancing on one foot? Check
• The shimmying your hips thing? Check

Edit: It went... okay

Don't forget doorknob doorknob

Damnit! I knew I was forgetting something. Have an upvote, sir.

I have actually been in your shoes (atheist, turban wedding and mother-in-law staying with us) although we ended up parting ways. I wouldn't change the experience for anything.

Wow. Really? What happened? Do you mind talking about it?

[deleted]

Parents are supposed to live with their sons. It's considered very shameful culturally to be living with your daughter. To be living with your daughter who is married to a filthy, atheist white devil - triply so.

haha this cracks me up because my grandmother lives with either my aunt or my mother half the year. parents living with daughters is not taboo in other regions of india, i guess

Not sure. I think it's a cultural thing and might not transpose to other parts of India.

What was the deal with being punched by the uncles? Was this a one-time thing, or routine? Malicious or "part of the process"?

I think some of the more old school guys wanted to prove that they were tough guys and weren't going to let me slide in unchallenged so after the wedding, some of them took a poke at me outside.

Pretty lame stuff really but it made them feel better. Not really sure if that's normal or not.

Edit: Excellent question, btw.

some of them took a poke at me outside.

Can you elaborate on this?

They surrounded me outside at the reception, threw a few punches (none at my face) and pushed me around a bit. Most of the guys who did this were in their 50s and half my size and no, I didn't hit back.

Uh, so were they laughing as they did this?

No they were not. They were making angry faces. They were also extremely drunk.

Punjabi or not, these guys are dumb jerks. Yeah, i said it.

I agree but I took it in stride because if that's what they needed to do to get over it, so be it.

I thought drinking was strictly prohibited in the Sikh faith?

It is. Like every religion, some followers choose to ignore the rules that they don't feel like following.

TBH, it's only prohibited if you've taken your "baptism" or "vows" or w/e. It'd be like the nuns of white religions, these people don't drink or smoke anything, nothing that makes the body "impure". So regular Sikh's drink like fucking fish; my dad, my uncles and grandfathers all are drunkards. Also, yeah it's pretty much whiskey's: Crown Royal, Black Label, Chivas Regal. They laugh at my beer loving tendencies.

Don't kid yourself. A lot of baptized Sikh men are closet alcoholics.

Yeah. I thought that too. They drink. A lot. Mostly the men though. The women, in my experience, don't drink.

How early before the marriage did your wife introduce you to her family? What was it like meeting them for the first time? Do you ever feel guilty that her father left the family because of the marriage? I come from an Indian family, my mom's Sikh and my dad's Hindu, so they had familial conflicts also. I'm just curious to know other people's stories.

How early before the marriage did your wife introduce you to her family?

We dated for over two years before the wedding and I only got introduced to the family a few months before we announced our engagement because Sikh girls aren't really supposed to date. They're just supposed to find a suitable boy and settle down.

I had two things working in my favour - my wife was pushing 30 when we got married and that's considered "over the hill" in Punjabi families so they were pretty desperate to get her married off. She also has an older sister who is divorced from an arranged marriage so that helped our cause.

What was it like meeting them for the first time?

Really awkward because the dad did not approve so her younger brother who was like 23 at the time had to play the role of the dad and give me the whole "what's your intentions for our daughter" talk. I also started off that visit by going to the Sikh temple and making an offering at the temple. Trust me, I was the only white dude in there and they all knew why I was there.

Do you ever feel guilty that her father left the family because of the marriage?

No, because he is nuts and had threatened to leave the family many times before I came on the scene. I wasn't the reason he left - just the excuse. He's a pathetic excuse for a man.

I totally know where you're coming from with the whole "Sikh girls aren't supposed to date". I'm so glad my parents had a love marriage and are more liberal with the whole dating scene. However, I'm only 18 and they're already talking about me getting married, it's so ridiculous. I'm glad to hear that things are going well for you two though, it's good to know that times are changing and interracial couples aren't as frowned upon as they once were, especially within Indian culture.

Well, I wouldn't say they're not frowned upon but it's not the utter disaster that it once might have been. I still think I would have been fucked if I was black or chinese. Apparently, those two groups are much less desirable for Punjabi families than a white guy.

Good luck with everything. :)

According to Sikh and Hindu families, nothing is worse than Muslims. I once dated a Muslim guy and my parents literally lectured me everyday saying that he's for sure going to cheat on me since their religion apparently encourages men to marry numerous women.

Wow. You're lucky that you only got a lecture. I dated a Muslim girl in highschool. Worst beating of my life.

Wait, what? Who beat you for dating a Muslim? Your parents? What's their story? Need this info for total picture.

I was beat half to death by her brothers who found out about us. Merciless beating. I was only 14 and I had no idea what I was getting into. She had moved to my town from Iran and dressed very Western but in Iran, she wore a hajib so I totally misjudged how strict her family was.

After I got beaten up, I confronted her and asked her what the dealio was and she said she wanted me to run away with her and marry her.

Ran for the hills. Nice girl but too much drama for me at 14.

TL:DR - I have Brown Fever.

"caffe"-fever

I like my coffee like I like my women.... dark roasted and from countries with oppressive regimes.

You are not alone on that. I'm Indian and the place where I come from, even as children we were taught to stay away from Muslim kids at all costs. I thought my family was that way but later in school and college I realized that it was quite the normal practice in the society.

But all that was in the late 80s & 90s but things seems to be changing these days.

I'm not so sure that things have changed that much when it comes to hating on Muslims.

How did this get confirmed true? I mean, it could have been a secret swordfight.

Get your shit together mods.

Hahahaha. I sent them pictures from my wedding from my facebook page with my name clearly visible and then gave them a shoutout outside of Reddit from an account that is in my real name.

Alright we'll give you the benefit of the doubt on the no-swordfight claim.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

What religion are you? Was this all for show? Is your wife religious or was she just following the customs of her family for the marriage? Do you you like naan. My father is involved in business with many Indians so we get invited to weddings, and I've been to a few, some Indian women are drop dead gorgeous,and I know love Naan.

EDIT * I type slower then my mind thinks.

What religion are you?

I'm an atheist but my family is Protestant. We did a Protestant wedding as well to keep my family happy.

Was this all for show?

I'm not sure how to answer this question. Was the wedding and all that just for show? No. Going through all the hoops was our secret to success. My wife's mom is wiser than I gave her credit for at the time. By doing everything for me that they would have done for a Sikh man, they showed the rest of the family they accepted me as one of their own and I believe it's made things easier.

Is your wife religious or was she just following the customs of her family for the marriage?

My wife is religious but not a very strict Sikh. She likes to joke around and tell people she's on "Sikh Leave" but she believes in God. The ceremony was definitely for the benefit of the family. We would have rather gotten married in a secular ceremony.

Do you you like naan.

Yes. Have you met anyone who doesn't? lol. I love Punjabi food and have gotten pretty good at cooking it too. My mother-in-law is grudgingly impressed by my cooking.

Glad she is impressed, I meant was the wedding for appearance purpose for the Sikh side of the family. It seems you answered as you held two different weddings. ahh I love Punjabi food!

Ah. Yes. The wedding was for appearance purposes. It was smart, really. If we'd done the secular thing, would have gotten a lot less street cred from the in-laws.

Bitchin' turban. That is all.

Thank you! It was five yards of fabric. I was shocked at how much bloody material is tied up in those things. Had to have someone who knew what they were doing help me.

How did you two meet? Did she have previous suitors proposed by the family? (Maybe that was a dumb question; I don't know anything).

How did you two meet?

We met at work. I was working down the hall from her and helped her with her recycling. I wasn't single when I met her but made sure I got single fast. ;) Had to lock that shit down. I actually asked her to marry me three months after we started dating.

Did she have previous suitors proposed by the family? (Maybe that was a dumb question; I don't know anything).

Not a dumb question at all. Her family certainly had proposed some other boys to her and she had a series of meetings with various suitors that she rejected. I wasn't her first boyfriend but I was her first serious relationship. Her family didn't know about her dating though. I was the first one she introduced them to.

Do you regret being integrated sans swordfight?

A little, yes. I was actually looking forward to more tussles so I could say I really earned my way in but... it was relatively violence free.

It might just be the coloring, but you looks pretty Panjabi in that photo.

Hahahaha. Nope. I tan well but I'm Scottish/German.

I tan well but I'm Scottish/German.

I was willing to believe this AMA, really really. Until I saw this line. You sir, are a liar and swindler. I formally declare my shenanigans.

What? German people tan. Scottish people don't. I look more German than Scottish.

Did you shoot the father Indiana Jones style to avoid the swordfight?

No, but I should of. Also.... /looks as username, tries to look bigger and bares teeth

Growls

You look delicious.

In a heterosexual way.

I have a rape whistle and I'll use it!

I am also from a Punjabi family. wondering what kind of relationship you have with the family after being married for some years now. More respect, less?

Much more respect. I've demonstrated that I am a good husband. I've provided them with grandchildren. I treat my wife well and we have a good home. That's all that really matters to them and that's not something that's unique to Punjabi people. I think that's what all parents want for their sons/daughters at the end of the day.

You sound like an awesome dude! I'm glad you've fit into the family. Do you ever visit her ancestral land? Is the mother-in-law invasive when it comes to your children? For example if your parents come over and teach the kids about their faith does she try to dissuade them or when Christmas comes around does she get cynical if your children participate in any Christian traditions?

Do you ever visit her ancestral land?

Not yet but I'd like to. Maybe when the kids are a bit older. It's easy for little kids to get really, really sick over there because their immune systems aren't developed fully yet. Every kid I know that goes over there before they're 18+ gets deathly ill at some point during the trip.

Is the mother-in-law invasive when it comes to your children? For example if your parents come over and teach the kids about their faith does she try to dissuade them or when Christmas comes around does she get cynical if your children participate in any Christian traditions?

Another excellent question. She's not that invasive. She definitely has a different parenting style than we do but it's not about religion/culture.

She doesn't try to teach them about her faith and neither do my parents. We celebrate all the major Christian and Sikh holidays with family but the kids don't get that they're not secular events. In my wife and I's minds - they're secular events with roots in religion and that's how we treat them.

As a brown guy who usually tends to date white girls... big ups man.

You sound like my brother-in-law. "Cool" Indian guys are pretty popular with the ladies 'round here. If you look like a "dipper", you're out of luck.

Thanks for posting this. I am currently dating a muslim girl who's parents don't know. (I'm 22 and she's 21 currently) It's great to see stories where this actually worked! We have been dating for over a year now, and we have had the marriage discussion a lot. I know it's going to be tough when we actually do approach her parents. My parents aren't very approving either, as I come from a very devout Christian family (I myself am not religious, though I have been reading more of the Quran.) Hopefully I won't have to resort to a swordfight!

Good luck dude. My parents weren't all that supportive either. They would have preferred I married a Christian girl but due to some bad media stereotypes, they were scared that my in-laws would try to murder me.

Did you have to learn how to sing and dance bollywood-style for the wedding?

Just dancing a bit. lol My family aren't good singers and people usually call the SPCA when we sing. Although in my opinion, most Bollywood music sounds like people torturing cats but I like bagpipe music so I can't really talk.

No swordfight? Laaaaaaaaaaaaaame...

I do, however, know how to disarm an angry Punjabi man wielding a sword by asking them to "pull my finger" in Punjabi. 75% of the time, it works every time.

Have you converted to Sikism? Or picked up any customs like not cutting your hair?

Excellent question. No. I have not converted to Sikhism. I am an Atheist and that is not something I ever considered compromising on, even for a woman that I love. If she couldn't accept that about me, I would have walked. I also do not pretend to be religious for my family or hers - if they don't like it, fuck 'em.

That's one line I won't cross. I also didn't allow my kids to be baptized Sikh or Christian at birth. My wife and I have agreed that is a decision they need to make for themselves when they're old enough. The non-baptism thing caused some waves but again, only so many things we were willing to compromise on.

I'm just curious about what your sister did around the time of the wedding to be called a shit wizard. No need to answer if you don't feel like it.

Sorry. Gonna pass on this one.