original post:

ufoninja's ingenious suggestion that I try waterboarding:

I had completely forgotten about that suggestion until a few weeks ago. My friends and me were headpicking for new ideas. I had jotted down all the ideas and suggestions Reddit given me on neon green post-its that my hopeful girlfriend (YES PLEASE?) was drawing on. She came across the one with WATERBOARD!! on it and asked if I tried it yet. I didn't. So we decided that we would!

At the playground at church there is this broken picnic table missing one side of it's legs that's all slanted. I lied on it with my shirt over my head. I had to use my shirt cause my friend forgot to bring a towel and can you believe he suggested using a plastic bag instead? Stupid!

My friends poured HOLY WATER over my face. They thought holy water would be an extra bonus for good luck. We had only just started when we got busted by one of the Sunday school teachers who told our parents we were destroying church property and engaging in "highly suspect mischievousness" and "Muslim torture." WHATEVR.

I could barely talk because I was coughing from inhaling so much water. My parents were MAD MAD MAD and yelling at me and my friends saying things like they could have killed me and blah blah blah. ANYWAY they were yelling for forever before I realized I hadn't hiccuped for twenty minutes. I didn't say anything cause I didn't want to jinx it. But my hiccups never came back! My rents didn't notice they were gone until dinner when my mom made a comment about how quiet it was.

So a BIG THANK YOU to ufoninja for the idea that cured my hiccups and changed my life forever. Now I can lead a normal life and do everything again. I can swim without almost drowning. I don't have to sit in the back of church anymore. No one will laugh at me at school. Teachers won't tell me to SHUSH. Everyone will stop trying to scare me all the time. Maybe even I can even kiss a girl without interruption or making her throw up in my mouth.

I just took my Ambien and will only be able to answer questions for another 20 minutes or so. AMA. Thanks to all of you who were pleasant.

Comments: 867 • Responses: 44  • Date: 

ateoclockminusthel415 karma

I wonder if that was the original intent of waterboarding.

timonan60 karma

So if a terrorist has chronic hiccups, you torture him by refusing to waterboard.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot42 karma

i'm getting water BORED

Sir_Hix-A-Lot51 karma

You got me.

jhaluska375 karma

Is it odd to thank somebody for waterboarding you?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot309 karma

A little?? Over the last year my friends have done so many weird things to me trying to cure my hiccups. Even when I gave up they wouldn't. I think their secretly disappointed that I'm cured because now I'm not their guinea anymore.

[deleted]190 karma

by weird do you mean sexual things involving your mouth? ...

Sir_Hix-A-Lot293 karma


ufoninja250 karma

dude, i'm really happy for you! i award you a free pass to grab the nearest hot girl and kiss her, v-day style!

edit:i made the suggestion. i just thought the combination of water and extreme fear might help. i never expected it to work though!

Absyrd17 karma

IT IS YOU! What made you think waterboarding would cure his hiccups?

ufoninja69 karma

i felt really bad for sir_hix-a-lot, because of the story i heard about the guy who killed himself due to constant hiccups (guiness book of records?)

you know how you are told to drink a cup of water standing on your head, or for someone to scare you... well combine those two and waterboarding seemed the natural next step.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot11 karma

pure genius

dxcotre190 karma

This is the either the greatest bullshit in the world or the most hilarious shit on the internet.

Seriously, you fucking got waterboarded. What was it like?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot149 karma

It was kinda panic inducing. I didn't even get waterboarded that much cause we were busted. For a split second I literally felt like I was drowning on the inside.

Bean88871 karma

"Did you steal eggs?" My dad said people would say that phrase to people with hiccups, in order to induce panic, which would then make the hiccups go away. My folks grew up in a poor area so getting accused of stealing was supposed to be really bad. I think the waterboarding kicks up the panic a few notches.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot139 karma

Is egg crime a serious offence where you come from?

skarface651 karma

With holy water, though? Kinda weird. Are you all Catholic?

If not, I submit that you should be now.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot74 karma

We're non-dom. My friends said it was holy water. They could have been joking. We do have holy water at our church tho.

[deleted]80 karma

It was probably piss.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot73 karma

who carries urine blessed ?around that's silly.

[deleted]128 karma

I had my wiener blessed by a priest when I was a child, so I'm assuming my piss has been blessed ever since.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot33 karma


origin4158 karma

Would you condone it as a method of interrogation?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot101 karma

I condon't any torture or forced bathing.

badass_seaotter105 karma

Now if only Sean Hannity would get the hiccups...

Sir_Hix-A-Lot18 karma


danxmason64 karma

A christian woman called waterboarding "muslim torture". I laughed and cried at the same time.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot11 karma

She's one of those oblivious bigots without a clue how racist she can be. When this Jewish family moved in our hood she wanted to welcome and make them feel homely. But she kept bringing up their jewness. The Greenbergs are new around here let's all welcome our new Jewish neighbors. The son got a kick out of it. We call him Jew kid on the block.

[deleted]53 karma

Can we get a Gold Star up in this bitch? I want a 20+ minute video of your stomach being calm as shit.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot54 karma

Give ufoninja a gold star. He deserves it.

skarface611 karma

Give him this.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot7 karma


sshortcake42 karma

We'd like pics of your abs.

Slagathor9156 karma

All I'm going to say is wow. I think that covers it.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot43 karma

Don't be fooled! I'm pretty skinny and with my shirt on I look like I'm 12. People tease me saying I look like Justin Beiber.

PashaB19 karma

Tease you? I mean as much as I hate him, girls are all over that shit. And you have abs? Dayum.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot24 karma

I don't think I look too much like him??

jhaluska38 karma

It's the hair. Get a hair cut, or a different style and the comparisons will stop.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot83 karma

I like my hair. I was born first, he should get a haircut.

DesmondIsMyConstant23 karma


....when do you turn 18?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot11 karma

LOL Why?

salgat15 karma

Dude you're hot!

Sir_Hix-A-Lot9 karma

haha thanks...?

jhaluska14 karma

Which is worse, looking like Justin Beiber or having hiccups for a year?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot42 karma

Being told I look like the Beib.

MissInfo20 karma

i for one would like to see more

ohnoesmilk16 karma


Sir_Hix-A-Lot9 karma

my room is cheesy

ohnoesmilk9 karma

Correction: Your room is AWESOME. I, too, have a discoball in my room. I have a friend that has 5.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot23 karma

FIVE? That's a lot of Disco.

C_IsForCookie11 karma

Left handed are we?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot8 karma


Virtualmatt4 karma

God damn. Was there any additional workout for that, or is it fully the product of hiccups?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot13 karma

I swim and played soccer. I like to think the hiccups had a lot to do with it tho. My abs were always tense and burning especially in the beginning. The first month I woke up one morning after a rough night of hiccuping and felt like I had done a billion crunches in my sleep.

rajma456 karma

Swimming? Was that not a problem?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot9 karma

It was. I mentioned it somewhere else I think. hiccups would cause me to constantly swallow water.

jhaluska41 karma

What was the best thing about having hiccups? Did they stop hurting after a while?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot121 karma

I got mad abs. Four real. All that compression really made a difference. The hiccups never really hurt but were really loud most of the time. In a cold empty place like church or classroom they would echo really loud. It was always embarrassing.

aznpwnzor14 karma

So basically you were forced to do crunches for over a year.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot16 karma

Basically. But at least now girls look at me more. Before I was just a skinny wimp.

aznpwnzor33 karma

skinny wimp that wouldn't stop hiccuping. Freak.


Sir_Hix-A-Lot11 karma

So true :O

[deleted]28 karma

Somewhere, Donald Rumsfeld smiles.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot22 karma

Pics or it didn't happen.

A_Real_Jercough27 karma

Are you afraid they'll come back again?

thedrew89 karma

The waterboarders?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot21 karma

This made me laugh.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot46 karma

YES. Sometimes it's all I think about.

[deleted]22 karma

TIL Somebody got waterboarded with holy water.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot11 karma


Purple_Antwerp15 karma

You're either the best troll I've seen today, or the best story. Either way, thanks!

Sir_Hix-A-Lot10 karma

I'm no troll but I think there are some leaving comments. My orignal IAMA last month was a fun experience. Most everyone was so nice. This time, not as much. There's a lot of negative energy here. Makes me sad.

blueboybob12 karma

So is your username worthless now?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot40 karma

Nah. I still like it. I like hiccups and I cannot lie.

angrynrdrckr12 karma

it wasn't the waterboarding, it was the holy water.

Sir_Hix-A-Lot8 karma

Maybe... If it was even holy water. They said it was but they like to pull my leg. Lying about holy water seems kinda ironic.

Drullexx7 karma

I wonder why it worked. Whats the science behind it?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot6 karma

I think I probably just swallowed too much water/choked. Maybe it was the angle. Maybe the force. I don't question it.

jesusbot7 karma

How long has it been since your last hiccup?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot12 karma

Two weeks tomorrow.

[deleted]6 karma

how the fuck did you sleep with hiccups?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot6 karma

I was put on Ambien. I'm not supposed to be taking it anymore but I still have a whole bunch left. My rents don't know tho.

Arro5 karma

Congrats! What was the thing that started the hiccups in the first place? A really funny joke?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot6 karma

I can't even remember anymore. I think they started while I was eating dinner one night and just never stopped.

UnderdogIS6 karma

Did you drink soda before it happened?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot6 karma

Not really. Soda has always been frowned upon in my house.

[deleted]3 karma

Are you sleeping better now that you're cured?

Sir_Hix-A-Lot6 karma

First couple of nights were weird but it has been much easier to sleep. Hiccups would always make me hot and bothered. I can't sleep unless I'm cold. Now I sleep like a baby.