I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA!

How long did it take to blue yourself when Tobias was "in" the Blue Man Group?

Hours, and it was constantly needing retouching because I was never aware of how often one touches oneself. Even scratching or putting my fingers together, or resting my hand on something would mean I would have to reapply the makeup. It was awful. It took several showers and some industrial strength grease remover to get everything off, and I would wake up, and my pillow would still be blue.

Any Arrested Development developments?

...Maybe? (Strike coquettish pose)

Are your surprised at the dramatic turn Bob Odenkirk's career has taken in the last 5 or 6 years? Was he always pushing to include more gunfights and family drama in Mr. Show sketches?

No, I'm not surprised at all. I think he's always shown potential to be a great dramatic actor. You can see elements of it in certain "Mr. Show" sketches. I think a lot of comic actors make exceptionally good dramatic actors.

Hey Dave, huge long-time fan.

Do you have that "one line" that fans repeat to you when they see you in public that drives you crazy?

(EG*** - Dave Chappelle with "I'm Rick James, bitch")

edit: Should have seen that coming.

Yes.

Are we going to see any more W/ David & Bob?

Yes, hopefully. It's all about scheduling at the moment, but we both want to do it - as well as Netflix.

As a brit i loved The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret.

So so so good.

My question is - how much of the britishisms did you get? You were playing a character who didnt understand and i want to know how "method" you went with it.

Add. Massive fan too :)

Oh, thank you very much. Well, I got most of it, although the idea of Todd not being able to pronounce "Snooker" came from my real inability to not being able to pronounce it correctly, and people getting upset with me.

Mr Cross, who is the better kisser, Patton Oswalt, or Bob Odenkirk? Bonus points may be awarded for use of tongue and/or lip biting.

Well, to be fair, tongue: Bob. Lip-biting: Patton. Now if you guys can give me five minutes, I gotta rub one out.

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done in the name of comedy?

Probably get naked. I've done that a few times.

Will the HBO pilot for David's Situation ever see the light of day?

Is there any kind of back story as to why Louis CK used your name when he popped up on MTV in the 90s?

The first question - I don't think it ever will. Bob and I really weren't happy with the way it turned out. We loved the script, we loved shooting it, we tried several different ways of editing it, but it just never felt good or right. Not sure why, sometimes that happen.

Second question - Louis is a friend. I think it was just one of those "why not?" things.

What can we expect to see you in next year?

I am hoping to participate in the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. But...we'll see.

Have you ever actually eaten rotten fruit from a shitty tree?

Yes, when I was a kid in the backwoods of Georgia. There was a pear tree that gave me diarrhea. God, I miss that tree.

Back in maybe 2002-2003 I went to see Hot Hot Heat at Maxwell's (Hoboken). After the show, you were hanging out with the band near the bar. So I took the band's poster off the wall and asked everyone to sign it. You wrote: "I'm the bassist!"

So my question is, what was it like playing bass for Hot Hot Heat?

It was great. It was my first and only performance with them. They kicked me out of the band shortly after that. But the joke's on them, because I took one of their Hots.

Will we see more Tobias in the future? Also, your new Netflix stand up was delightful.

Thank you very much. Not sure "delightful" is what I was going for, but I appreciate it. The word on the Hollywood street is that yes, there will be more Tobias in the near future.

Will Ronnie run again?

Yes, he's running as Secretary of Defense in this current election.

Hey David!

I am a big fan and I find that a lot of your humour is very layered and complex, so my question is-

What makes a good joke?

Thanks for coming to do this!

FARTS!!!!

What is your favorite cheese?

Cabot's Clothbound Cheddar. And close second is the cheese part of poutine.

Loved you on Mr. Show, Arrested Development & She's the Man :)

My question is--- have you ever had to do a scene over and over again because someone (maybe you?) in the shot kept laughing? Id imagine so, with all the funny people you've worked with!

Oh God, yes. Many times. And I've certainly been the culprit plenty of times myself. The worst was in "Year One," I'm talking to Michael Cera and Jack Black, and the writer/director, Harold Ramis, kept over at the last minute - we shot the scene a couple of times - and came up with a convoluted parody of the line, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" - it was this long, protracted sentence. It the end of a long night of shooting, and I could not get through it without fucking it up. And when the 9th time became the 19th time, I would get the giggles and I was staring at Michael, who was three inches from my face, and as I would start sweating the line, he would say under his breath, "Oh no," which just made things worse. It's a terrible, awful feeling, and it's uncontrollable. You know you don't want to laugh, and nobody thinks it's funny, but you just can't help it.

Also, another example, when in 'Change for a Dollar,' in "Mr. Show," when Bob is on the golf course as the President, dancing around, you can see me shaking, as I try not to crack up.

Your interview with Carson Daly where you brought Michael Cera and Alia Shawkat along with was probably one of the funniest interviews I've ever watched. Thank you for that. I have scoured the web for this interview but can't find it (help me reddit?)

Do you have a favorite late night interview you have done?

That one was pretty fun. I did one recently with Seth Meyers, where I found out just before, that the host is not supposed to sit down until the guest sits down. So I remained standing, and sitting on the top of the couch, and everywhere else I could, before sitting down.

What's your most interesting story of an offended religious person?

Your last special I saw on Netflix had several people storming out when you mildly critisized religion, is this a common occurance?

Not so much anymore, but certainly in my earlier days. I had a person in Vermont back in the late '80s wait for me after a show, get in my face, poking me in the chest, saying, "You made fun of my best friend tonight!" He said it over and over again. I said, "What are you talking about?" And he said, "Jesus Christ. You made fun of Jesus. He's my best friend." I tried to kiss him on the mouth.

Long time fan! Long time east coaster! What was the reception of your stand up in Boston when you first started? The old school new England guys (Clarke for example) really never took any shit and went to extremes to pull crowds (like stealing an MBTA bus). How were they to you when you first started?

Also thank you for not screwing up the new Mr. Show! Just as good as the old ones! Especially Shangy!!

There were two different factions in Boston. There was the old-school guys who were all so brilliant, so professional. And then there were the newer, upstart young, punky kids like myself, Janeane Garofalo, Louis CK, Marc Maron, etc. A number of those comics could bridge those two groups. I wasn't one of them, although people were really supportive and nice to me - the comics, I should say. The comics were really nice to me. Every time I played at Nick's or Comedy Connection, I bombed pretty hard.

Do you have any musical experience? What are your preferences? (Instrument/genre/etc..?)

Well, I'm the bassist for Hot Hot Heat. I was also Rupert Murdoch's personal castrato for several years. I got to tour the world, ate amazing food, and got to see a lot of awesome evil.

What makes a comedian a 'comedian's comedian'? Who's a classic example?

Andy Kindler is probably the most classic example. And it would be somebody who is not pandering to the crowd, and whether verbally or subtly is peppering their set with references that comics would get and appreciate.

Who's funnier, Scott Aukerman or Paul F Tompkins??

Paul F. Aukerman.

If you're ever trying to sell a book, would you consider running for president as a Republican for the free publicity?

Book? No. Boat? Yes.

You recently performed in Santa Rosa, CA and then talked a bunch of shit about it. Did you get a bad tour of the place or something? It's actually a pretty cool city.

Agree to disagree.

What has been your favorite episode of any show you've been on?

Probably the season finale of M * A * S * H

I saw your show from your recent tour at Foxwoods in CT. What happened there from your perspective?

I had seats more in the back and it seemed like the majority of the crowd was enjoying your set. You seemed to end the set a little abruptly and annoyed. On Facebook you mentioned many audiences were rude and people were offended and leaving, but then you took a photo with the audience and said it was fun. For the Foxwoods show you just had a photo of their "museum" and didn't seem too happy.

Perhaps what you couldn't see were the people, especially on the left side, who were yelling at me. Which is fine, that happens. But it got to be too distracting, and I would only take photos if there was an encore. So there are a handful of places where I didn't take a photo because there was no encore. It wasn't a punishment. I didn't tell anyone, "If you give me an encore, I'll take a photo." It just seemed logical.

Are you proud of yourself?

Yes, very.

Did you ever think this country could get any more ridiculous than it is right now?

No, but then again I thought that 12 years ago.

How do feel about Hillary Clinton, Jill Stein, and Gary Johnson? We all know how bad Trump is, and your attitude towards him.

Hillary Clinton? I am not a big fan, I never was. But she certainly will be getting my vote because of what's at stake. Jill Stein and Gary Johnson seem like different ends of the clown spectrum to me.

Did you or your beard grow first?

My beard grew first. I grew into the beard. It took a while. It was awkward until I could learn to walk.

What is your advice to live a good life?

Drink in moderation. Hydrate yourself. Pay attention to your knees. Always clean up your cum. And say hi to every third person you meet.

You have a tattoo of God spanking Hitler (which is totally rad, btw). Where did you come up with the idea for that, and what does it mean to you on a deeper level?

I don't remember where I had the idea, but below Hitler crying, his tears are forming clouds. And then below the clouds, they are forming rain, which nourishes a pastoral farm land with a happy farmer and a bounty of produce being grown, and that's my idea of how religion works.

What's your favorite memory/story from your early stand-up days, before anyone knew the name "David Cross"?

Just all the fake characters I used to be able to do to open my set. I used to do all kind of things, like from a severely retarded comic to a deaf-mute comic to a very effeminate comic, who was doing standup for the first time who couldn't deal with the pressure. All the fake ways I would come out and open my set, and the people didn't know me, so they didn't know it was fake. It was really fun to reveal that I wasn't that thing. I miss that.

What would you consider your greatest skill?

Being able to negotiate complex trade treaties between the UK and the EU. I'm more than a little miffed that I haven't been called yet.

If you had to kill one animal, what would it be?

Mickey Mouse.

What is your guilty pleasure, you know besides answering questions and dodging trolls on Internet forums?

I guess fucking my dog. And/or playing video games.

When was the last time you cried?

A couple of days ago, on the plane. I'm a plane crier. My dog is very arthritic and in a lot of pain. I started thinking about that and the possibility of having to put her down. I started tearing up. Also, I was listening to "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead, so the two of those combined made me tear up.

Hey David! How did you find the great book of Goodpussy? It changed my life.

I'm not sure. It was so long ago. But recently, at one of the shows, someone brought the book and had me sign it. They said they had gotten it off the Internet, but I am pretty sure the internet was even a thing yet when I got the book. I guess somewhere in LA? I don't know. Seems like something you'd might find at a bus stop.

Hi David, who are some of your favorite comedians or comedic acts currently??

Thanks

There's a guy in Canada named Mark Forward, who is really great, really inventive, clever, and funny. Also a British guy named Nish Kumar. Josie Long, another British comedienne. She's great. And if you ever, and I mean EVER, get the chance to see T.J. & Dave, who are usually in Chicago, but come to NY every couple of months...trust me. Drop whatever you are doing and make sure you absolutely go see them. It will, without hyperbole, change your life.

I loved the "Know your Rights" sketch on W/ Bob and David. You two considered collaborating with Key and Peele?

Though your combined sketch comedy powers could break the internet...

Oh, Bob and I are both huge fans of those guys and their show. That's the most exciting sketch comedy I've seen in a long, long time.

Does Russ Tamblyn have great anecdotes? That guy had quite a career and was friends with some of the coolest people in Hollywood, wish he talked about it all more publicly.

Oh man, the best. He's got some amazing stories. And we've all been pushing him to finish up his memoir, which he's been working on. But yeah...it's pretty amazing.

If you were in charge of the future of Arrested Development, what direction would you take it?

obligitory: big fan - saw you in CT recently - thought the Sandy Hook joke was brave and funny

I would take it in a kind of South-by-Southeast direction. This would be after Hurricane Matthew is out to sea, though.

Do you know how to ride a horse?

Not well.

Hi David,

How do you feel about the infinite regression of causality? Where does science end and god begin?

I guess I am nonplussed about it. But I can tell you where science ends and God begins - the third booth on the left at Katz's Deli.

Shakespeare created new words and they caught on. Have you ever been compelled to create a new word or words, and if so what is/are that/those word(s)?

I believe I am the one who came up with "retardedopolis."

What makes a perfect Ham sandwich?

Scam Ham. It's fake ham made with 100% juniper dirt.

Hey! You're always real funny and I love your work! My question is if you have any advice for those millennials (or anyone for that matter) living at home with very vocal trump supporters?

Get your folks, sit them down in the front of the TV. Give them each the tiniest sliver of K, and then make them watch "Making America Great Again!" on Netflix. How's THAT for a plug?

Your stand-up if groundbreaking and I have a huge interest in improv/stand-up. How would someone go about applying for a job with you at any capacity with any pay? I would learn to love the industry from one of the best in the business. Im talking anything. I'll be your sadist, masochist, or take a dump on your chest.

Well, unfortunately, I am not interested in any of those things, so I am going to have to pass. But you may want to give Jeff Dunham a call.

What was one of your favorite moments while working on Arrested Development?

Also, your new comedy special on Netflix is hilarious!

Anytime I got to do a stunt, or falling, or anything that was like "Mrs. Featherbottom." That was fun to do. I love doing my own stunts.

How does it feel to be past your prime?

It's pretty sweet. My rocking chair is hydraulically operated. And I now have one of those things that helps me in and out of the bathtub. So all good.