Herpes. Everyone jokes about it, nobody wants it. I have it, and I want to eliminate the negative social Sigma attached to it. AMA

Do you enjoy hiking, canoeing and biking?

Yes

The stigma is ridiculous given the prevalence of type 1 oral herpes, aka "cold sores." It's literally the same disease, just on a different part of the body. There are different risks depending on where it's located, for sure. But our culture views simply the location of the disease through extraordinarily different lenses. I'm not even sure how widely known it is that oral herpes and genital herpes can, again, literally be the same virus.

You say you want to eliminate the social stigma. Other than this AMA and day-to-day interactions, what are some of your plans achieving this goal?

*Note: I am aware of the difference between type 1 and type 2, including symptoms and the differences in likelihoods as to where one type is likely to stick around.

EDIT: Apparently, some are taking my comment in ways that I'd not intended. I'm not trying shame anyone for making choices about who they have sexual contact with. Nobody ever needs to justify why they choose to have or not have sex with any else. Period. My opinion is that the level of stigma given to people with herpes is over the line. There's a difference between saying "I don't want to get herpes, so I'm not going to have sex with you" and "You're a fucking dirty slut, why would I have sex with your kind of filth?" The latter is what I have a problem with.

This is a HUGE point that people miss. I hope this comment hits the top.

The primary difference between HSV1 and 2 is the location. They are transferable, but oral to genital or genital to oral is like moving a polar bear to the tropics. He may survive, but he'll be sweaty as hell and won't blend in with his environment. This is a key point to those who have less frequent/severe outbreaks. I personally think I got it from a cold sore on my ex, due to frequency/severity.

I do want to eliminate it, but eliminate is a strong adjective. I will admit, I do not go to rallies or start funding for support groups or talk freely to listening ears about my disease. But I do stick up for the virus when people make the jokes, or when people bring up common misconceptions I will educate them, and if someone I know has it or meets someone that has it I'll open up to them.

My support is strictly on a personal level. I wanted to bring it to reddit because I know it is a large community, and even if 10 people learn something and change their opinions slightly because of this thread, those 10 people can help educated others as well.

Not trying to start a movement, just trying to take a chip out of the ice block.

Not trying to start a movement, just trying to take a chip out of the ice block.

Every bit counts. Movements get started because of all the little chips taken out of the block along the way. Good on you.

Thank you!

I get canker sores - not even cold sores - and people still would always jump at the chance to tell me "you have herpes!!" which I didn't even have. People just love to make rude comments. I imagine if I did have it I would have felt much worse hearing those comments. I'm glad you are trying to remove the negative stigma and have been able to live your life positively.

Edit: I will say that most of these comments were made by ass hole teenagers while I was in middle/high school, but some adults I've encountered since I have gotten older have the same maturity level of these teenagers.

Thank you - and you're right. My family doesn't know I have it... it's not their business... and my brother commented at christmas one year that "You have herpes all over you!" when glittered spilled over my mom. I cringed wanting to just hit him... brotherly love of course... but I just left it. Ha

Eliminate is not an adjective

Am mathematician. Sry

Well if some of the people who have gotten it don't mind it, and its just a little, non-harmful disease (fuck off with this type of bullshit first off) then everyone shouldn't worry about it mind if they have it.

It should have a fucking negative stigma. Seriously, fuck you, OP, and everyone of the dirty fuckers who've up-voted you in support of your stupid, idiotic crusade.

Thank you for your support!

How far into a relationship do you usually get before you have the herpes talk? Edit: a letter.

If it is a girl I feel that I think could turn into a more serious relationship, I like to go out on about 4-5 dates and really get to know her. When I know for sure I want to take things further, I'll tell her.

If it is a strictly sexual relationship/good friends with benefits, I'll tell her the second time we hangout.

Sounds fair. Have you had many turn and run the other way?

Only one girl really snapped at me. The rest, surprisingly, are very kind about it. They'll be honest with me how they feel about it, or that they need to think it over. More often than not though they're okay with it.

On a side note - I've kind of learned that how a girl reacts to it says a lot about their personality. If I haven't exposed you to the virus in any way, but you freak out like I just rubbed an outbreak all over your body, you're probably a pretty crappy person. I don't let the freakouts get to me anymore, but they really sucked at first while I was still uncomfortable in my own skin.

Wait, wait wait, if it is friends with benefits and you tell her the second time you hang out, that is BEFORE sex right? Right?

Yes. Of course. I don't have sex on the first date anymore.

Were you upset to find out that herpetology is a real thing, but not what you thought it was?

No idea what that is and YES I'M PISSED NOW

THANK YOU for taking the time to do this. What can I do to help you? Aside from laying down some facts below, that is.

~~~~~~~~~~

All y'all out there that are thinking you're so high-n-mighty would do well to get yourselves checked. Of everyone 18 and older in the United States, 15-20% have it. That's right - one out of every 5-6 people.

At this point, if you didn't know better, you should be scratching your head and saying, "What? How? None of MY friends have it. This statistic is wrong!" Well...90% of those who have herpes don't know they have it. That's why there's such a stigma about something a huge portion of the population has.

Again, if you're thinking, this is the point where you're like, "If it's so heinous, WHY don't they know?" Good question! First, the commercials make it out to be much worse than it is - ??? Profit! Also, it's because most people who have it have never (not even once!) had an outbreak, or if they have it's been so mild as to not be noticeable, and they haven't had the blood test for it.

Docs don't automatically test for herpes unless you present with symptoms of an outbreak so most people erroneously believe they've been tested for "everything". Make no mistake - you have to ASK for the blood test for herpes or you won't get it.

So at this point, if you've ever had sex and haven't had the test for herpes, you might take a moment to contemplate if you're already positive. I'll let that sink in....

Why don't docs test you for it? Aha! Good question again. They don't automatically test because it's so prevalent in the community and because most people do just fine with it and, honestly, what are you going to do about it if you have it? It adds a burden to YOU to self-disclose a condition you didn't know you had, to a population who are undereducated about the issue and that makes your life harder.

So if you're feeling judgmental about "those people" who have herpes you need to take a step off and readjust. "Those people" likely include people near and dear to you, maybe even your current sex partner(s), maybe even you.

Source: I've been educating people about this but a gal can only do so much when you see one patient at a time. Reddit is a hard place to do this and I commend OP on his AMA.

Thank you. You rock. Don't ever change.

In your opinion, what's the best way to let someone know that you're not ok moving forward with someone who just told you they had herpes?

Be honest. Don't lie. Odds are, that person has heard it before. Just make sure you let them know that you understand the risks, but it's just not something you feel you would be comfortable with. I would rather have a girl straight up say "You are absolutely amazing, but I am not okay with putting myself at the risk of getting herpes" than say "Oh yeah no it's fine! Hey I gotta go." and then never talks to me again.

I think it's also worth mentioning that a person who disclosed they had herpes is showing a lot of respect for you whilst also making themselves vulnerable, and you should show the same in return.

Yes x314159

265359

HA. YES. So uh, what are you doing later?

I understand its not a death sentence or cancer, but what exactly do you mean eliminate the negative social stigma about it?

I suppose 'eliminate' is a strong adjective.

In my experiences, the general public perceive herpes as a disgusting disease, that it's highly contagious, and if you have sexual relations with someone who has it you immediately will get it. Most of their facts come from movies, tv, word of mouth, etc.

Like I mentioned in the intro, I was completely turned away from it. If I met a girl who had it, I would have completely stopped any relations with her because of how nasty I thought she must be if she has it.

My ultimate goal is to educate here, because knowledge is power.

The above bullshit is the exact reason why this guy is doing this AMA.

As someone who is married to someone with herpes and does not have it themselves (I get tested regularly, we have been married a year and a half and been together over 4 years), I appreciate you doing this AMA. If I had let the social stigma of this very common condition freak me out, I would have never married the love of my life. She takes meds for it, when she gets outbreaks (it's very infrequent), we don't have sex during them, I don't get herpes. It's kinda like I wouldn't make out with someone while they have a cold sore on their mouth. But I wouldn't condemn them to a life of loneliness and judgement. I'd just hold off till the cold sore went away.

I'm very happy for you! I'm sure she's also very happy with you. It sounds like you're highly responsible and managing this inconvenience well.

and you are spot on for my purpose here. Thank you.

Harpies is nasty, and you shouldn't date someone with herpes if you don't have it.

any relations with her because of how nasty I thought she must be if she has it.

It seems now that you got it, you had a change of heart, the word is called hypocrite

I am a huge hypocrite. I was a complete ass about it.

But don't we all change our opinions one time or another when we learn more about something? Granted, my education came as a result of contracting the disease, but that certainly doesn't discredit my change of heart.

Condoning this type of behavior is a terrible idea. You were against it, of course. Now you got it, you want it to be normal. STDs is an epidemic and you really shouldn't be telling people "Hey herpes ain't that bad!!!"

I didn't say herpes wasn't bad. I have not and do not want to give it to anybody. But I certainly don't want people thinking it's the end of the world if they meet somebody who has the virus.

this AMA reminds me of when cartman turned into a ginger and began advocating for them.

Only I'm not going to trick you into eating your parents in a chili cookoff.

Check back on the comments in the post in a couple of hours. If the post picks up enough traction, you'll see why. It's already started in some threads.

It has?

Thank you for doing an ama here. I had a herpes "scare" a while back and found r/herpes to be very helpful. Turns out I was not infected by my partner but it made me read up on the disease.

As for my question, stigmatism aside, has it affected how you choose sexual partners? Has it changed your goals when seeking a partner?

Very much so. My entire life turned around.

I stopped focusing on sex and focused on the relationships I did have with friends and family. Then when it came to partners, I focused on girls I actually wanted to sleep with. When I do have sex, it feels so much better because I've taken the time to establish connections rather than see how fast I can get in her pants and never talk to her again.

It has completely humbled me, whereas the rest of my life I felt as if things always just seemed to work out for me.

Honestly, as much as i felt it was a curse, I feel like it has been a huge blessing. My quality of life improved because of how I had to change my lifestyle.

Damn, maybe I should get herpes

What are you doing later tonight?

If a cure came out tomorrow, would you use it?

I'd have to review the side effects first.

Good answer. An outbreak every few years is not worth "thoughts of suicide or, in severe cases, death."

I love those ads. "If you find yourself standing on top of a tall building with a sword running towards the ledge yelling "I CAN FLYYY" please stop taking the medication immediately and contact your doctor."

How do you break the news to new partners?

There's no good way to bring it up.

If I'm to the point where I need to talk to her about it, there is serious sexual tension present.

When I do bring it up, I keep it in a very positive attitude. I don't downplay the virus, and I don't make it sound earth shattering. Clearly I live my life quite well with it, and I think that having that attitude when I say "So I need to talk to you about something" will create less of the lump inside her chest.

Then it's just Q&A from that point. I say I have genital herpes, I'm not sure where I got it from, and that I want her to know that I'm telling her because I am really interested in her and respect her.

This usually always ends in a good, positive conversation. Maybe 1 out of every 8 or 9 girls will freak out and cuss me out, the rest usually don't mind and appreciate the honesty.

1 out 9. Damn, son! That means you talked to at least 9 girls in your life, what a player you are.

Shh don't tell my mom she thinks I'm a saint

You are a saint in our eyes

I'd fuck him

I've heard he's got herpes. Don't tell no one.

I had to tell your mom last night

I was absolutely terrified to tell my now-husband that I have herpes. His response was "if you think that that deters me from wanting to be with you, then you underestimate how much I love you." It was the most amazing thing that anyone has ever said to me.

Can i marry him too?

how many outbreaks do you have a year?

I've only had it for two years now, and I've had 6 total outbreaks.

From what I've read, outbreak severity and frequency directly relate to immune system strength of the individual. Because I work out frequently and eat well, the outbreaks are less severe and very infrequent [as opposed to others I have read get monthly outbreaks]

I have a lot of things to add to this discussion, though it will probably get buried.

Medical professional here. Yes there is risk when getting involved with a person who has HSV, but it is minimal especially if the person is on prophylactic anti-viral medication and you're using protection. Also consider that someone with oral HSV can give it to you through kissing- do you ask about HSV status every time you kiss someone?

Additionally, it is often transmitted oral to genital or vice versa so people often end up with genital HSV from oral sex, not from overtly risky sexual behavior. Please note that I have not been indicating type 1 or 2 for a reason. They are BOTH capable of colonizing the ganglion in the oral and genital regions- that's because there is mucosa in both those regions. The difference is that the tropism (or affinity) for each is greater for the different locations- so type 1 is generally better able to infect orally while type 2 has an easier time of it in the genital region.

The biggest issues are this: 1. Primary infection is painful and uncomfortable. But recurrences are similar to shingles, and probably less severe than that; also, easily treatable. Additionally, with a secondary recurrence, your body has immunity to the virus so the outbreaks don't occur very frequently if you have an intact immune system- that's why people often only develop cold sores during stressful times. 2. Pregnant women with a PRIMARY infection can pass it to the baby DURING BIRTH. But if they are just having a secondary outbreak, the baby will have circulating antibodies from the mother for a while shortly after birth and these will also be in breast milk, so baby is at little risk in this situation. Also- you can treat prophylactically before the baby is born if the mother is having an outbreak. But again, very dangerous if mom has a PRIMARY infection close to birth because she hasn't formed a complete immune response to the virus yet. 3. Encephalitis- this usually happens with oral herpes which is usually type 1. This is scary shit. Altered mental status, seizures, etc. are no joke.

In the end, besides the discomfort and stigma, genital herpes is completely manageable and not life threatening- at least no more so than oral herpes. I'm really pleased that OP decided to share his experience and did something to spread the word.

THANK YOU. I'm going to post a link to this comment in the main section so people see this. I appreciate you taking the time to put your professional thoughts together for this.

Is there a support group for people with herpes? And if so, have you considered it as a safer place to meet women?

I honestly don't know, but I imagine there is.

If there is, I would not restrict myself to finding women with herpes. There are just as many women out there that will tolerate and accept the disease as there are girls who aren't. I've met more of the former than the latter.

I have Herpes of the eye and its amazing the negativity that comes along with telling people that, do you have any suggestions for making the distinction? Its amazing how often i get, "Did your dad cum in your eye when you were a kid" or something to that effect

Personally, I would down play it. Don't say herpes right away... just tell them you have a chronic eye condition and describe the symptoms. Tell them it is in the same class of virus as chicken pox, shingles, and herpes.

It's not lying, but it's bedding the truth to help them understand it better.

Do you know who gave it you? and are you aware that in most states it is illegal(Genital Herpes, not Oral Herpes) to fail to tell your sexual partner that you have it? Did she tell you, or did not know she had it herself?

No, and I am aware of that law.

I have narrowed it down to two people, however. A hookup from a weekend trip, or from an ex who would get cold sores a couple times a year. I have not questioned either, and am fortunate to know it is one of those two.

...or I could be one of the unlucky highly uncommon cases where the dormant chicken pox/shingles virus (they are all in the same HSV family) morphed into wiener bumps.

Did you use condoms with either of those people? I'm aware you can get herpes even though you're using condoms; just wondering if that happened to you.

Yes. I have always used condoms when I have sex, unless I was dating the girl for some time.

Never feels as good, but I always tried to be safe.

Do you think today's social dating habits contribute to the spread of herpes? Dating sites like Tinder, where strangers can hook up within hours with multiple partner.

Absolutely, yes. Couple that with naive teenagers and college kids (that whole 'invincible' feeling) and I think that creates a cess-pool for STDs.

Even my father said he doesn't envy growing up in the 60s and 70s because he never had to worry about STDs then because nobody had them.

I have oral herpes. If you could trade genital herpes with oral herpes would you? And i am really young and have never been in a relationship before so does having oral herpes mean i basically can't kiss girls without spreading it? When do you/when should i tell them about it?

Edit: Thanks guys this cleared up a lot of stuff. I have had herpes since i was a baby. Thanks god it's not as serious as i thought. But just a pro tip: The best cure for herpes (oral) is aplying moonshine or something with a lot of alcohol onto it. It will burn it up and it will be gone in a few days! Thanks for all the replies!

Some crazy stat [that I'm going to make up] is like 80+% of adults over 35 have oral herpes. Most kids get it young when their grandparents are kissing them and yada yada. That's why so many youth have cold sores.

If it becomes a persistent problem, you should tell partners in the beginning before kissing. If it lays dormant [indefinitely] like for most people, you are fine.

How do you like having Time Warner Cable?

It sucks. But they did recently drop $40 off my monthly bill and upgrade my internet speed when I called and complained.

So I'm basically paying less for the same crap service.

Some questions

1.) Do you think the way our society think of safe sex is outdated? If yes how can we improve?

2.) How painful are your herpes?

3.) Can herpes spread even with a condom?

4.) Do you feel like it's your fault that you got herpes?

1. Yes. The biggest thing I can't stress enough is always wash up (soap + warm water) after sex and always pee as soon as you can. This is what I have every girl I have sex with do after and I can proudly say I have not given the virus to a single girl.

2. Depends on a severity of the outbreak. I've had three outbreaks that were highly sensitive. The first is the worst. Valtrex taken right when the virus is spotted severely reduces the duration and pain, however. To describe bad outbreaks, I'd say it's feels like walking around after you've masturbated two too many times in a day. It's just highly sensitive. The other outbreaks I've had were only a few bumps and very unnoticeable.

3. Herpes can spread with a condom. The bumps can be on the shaft, head, base, balls, and whole pubic region where you grow the hair.

4. Yes. I was naive and uneducated. Had I followed my answer to number 1, I would not have it right now.

Do you still engage in casual sex? Eg. meeting someone at a bar and going home with them? If so, how does the 'I have herpes' conversation go with someone you have just met?

Thanks for doing this AMA :)

I don't. I actally gave up the bar scene soon after, which was fine because I was working my full time job and out of college. I needed to get away from the party scene.

Do I miss just hooking up with a girl from time to time? Of course I do. Do I still have sex with girls that I want to? Of course I do :)

Does it burn when you pee?

Never.

When did you first realize you had it?

I was home for Christmas and thought it was razor burn and ingrown hairs. Pulled the hairs out with tweezers.

Drove back home few days later, still not clear.

Lymph nodes swollen.

More pimple like clusters pop up.

Cue doctor.

"Yo you got herpes. Here's webmd printouts to describe it. Gotta go. Peace."

My doctor was shit. But that was pretty much how it all went.

Is it not just cold sores, basically?

It's like clusters of mini pimples by your junk, basically

What would you say to someone who thinks that people with genital herpes are characterized as being impulsive and short-sighted?

They're probably not wrong. But then I'd return the question to ask what human isn't known to be impulsive and short-sighted from time to time?

Stevie Wonder

Shit.

Hey, what have you found triggers outbreaks?

Anything that compromised my immune system. Excessive drinking multiple days a week, staying physically inactive, and eating like crap will do it. Also, high stress has caused two.

I workout constantly (this was a regular thing before I got herpes), don't drink often, and like to eat well (this goes with working out). I still eat pizza and ice cream all of the time, have binge drank Patron until I blacked out, and will have lazy weekends though...

Were you overly promiscuous? Did you have lots and lots of sexual partners?

I was sleeping with about two different girls a month on multiple occasions. Always wore condoms.

Why do you want to eliminate the social stigma? Just because you have it? and you don't want to be stigmatised?

There is reasons why it is not socially acceptable to have herpes. Valid reasons. I'm no doctor, but I'm sure you yourself know these reasons.

If it were to be socially acceptable to have herpes, no one would give a fuck about it. They wouldn't care if they caught it from someone, or if they gave it to someone. It would just cause problems to try and get rid of the stigma that surrounds it.

It's socially acceptable to have cold sores, which is the same virus.

Are you a medical professional?

Not at all. Mathematician, actually.

in a crazy scenario if you were given the option to give ten strangers herpes so that you wouldn't have it would you do it?

No. I would rather keep it knowing that those ten people didn't get it because of me.

and then those 10 people can give 10 other strangers herpes to get rid of theirs

Either way it spreads

I think it's all scammy. This whole post. In your proof picture you have valtrex, but if you had persistent genital herpes and were being diligent about controlling the virus you would be on a daily dose not twice daily for only 3 days... As a pharmacist I see this dose for fever blisters and for shingles but not for herpes unless you're having a flare-up. And another thing, you must have other proof photos somewhere because you have the customary white sheet of paper with part of your Reddit username written on it in the background. I just don't believe you. I think you used someone's bottle to make a post to rake in some karma.

Why would I make a throw away for useless voting points?

If you have herpes and want to eliminate the negative social stigma of it why did you make a throwaway for this post? Are you unwilling to have this associated with your regular name because you are ashamed or what? Isn't using a throwaway sending a message that you are hiding from the social stigma?

I see your point. While I agree to an extent, I still like to maintain privacy in my personal life.

I'm not trying to start a global movement - I'm simply trying to spread education and share my personal experience to those whom are curious.