I'm comedian Ron White, AMA!

Mr. White, What's the current state of research on stupid repair technology?

You still can't fix it.

Does Dan Whitney (aka Larry) stay in character off stage?

Actually, it's not a character. He does exaggerate the accent. But outside of that, it's not a character. His father was a pig farmer and preacher in Nebraska. So he's a lot like that. He's smart, he graduated from a Bible College in Georgia somewhere. So I guess he's always like that, pretty much. And he always dresses like that too. He doesn't own a shirt with sleeves. And he always wears cargo shorts, even though he carries no cargo!

of all the stand up comedians who have passed away, whose work do you most admire?

Bill Hicks.

I saw your Corvette up at a body shop up in North Forsyth a few years ago, and it was absolutely badass. The paint guy made a point to show me the 420 stitched in the seats haha. Do you still have it?

I do!

I do. It's a '56 Corvette and I'm a '56 human. I like to call myself "Mid-Century Modern."

But yeah, the Corvette is my toy, it's tricked out and we show it. The guy that helped me build it loves to drag it around and show it off. It's pretty cool. There's pictures of Kurt Bush doing donuts in it, running about 170 mph on an oval track, on the internet.

Are you about out of weed?

No.

Not even close.

What's your favorite joke ?

What do men like on their pie that they don't like on their pussy?

Crust.

I figured you'd want a short one.

If all the scotch/whiskey/bourbon in the world disappeared overnight, what would you be drinking?

I own a tequila company with my brother in law called "Number Juan."

And it's almost all I drink now, if it's available. And one of the biggest scotch collections, probably, is at my house. So I think my Number Juan Extra Anejo is probably the best drink in the world.

So I'd be fine. I wouldn't even notice.

How often do people approach you and call you tater salad? Do you ever regret doing that joke?

Hahahaha no! That's probably my most famous bit. And it's not the same as typecasting. It's a famous joke. So that's okay. I haven't done it in 10 years, because you gotta drop bits, there's no such thing as a hit joke. But do I regret it? Not one single bit! My website is tatersalad.com! If I regretted it, I'd change my website.

But i don't go by Tater Salad in the shows or anything.

What has to be in your green room prior to shows?

On my rider, there's - it's almost nothing. Because we eat after the show, I bring my tequila. So there's some water, Diet Coke, regular Coke, and root beer. That's about it. I'm not very demanding at all. I used to ask for a lot of stuff in the green room, and then we'd leave it all, so I thought it was wasteful and stupid and quit doing it.

Where do you get your cigars? Any brand preference?

My favorite cigar is the Montecristo number 4 Cuban...I got like a kinda smaller cigar. But the Dominican cigars are fantastic, the Nicaraguan cigars were fantastic. Probably 10 years ago, the Cubans were so far ahead of everyone, but everyone's catching up now. Davidoff makes great cigars. They make a cigar that has my name on it. They don't sell it, they just make it and send it to me.

Nobody gets free shit like rich people!

Hi, Ron! Big fan, glad to see you're doing this AMA - but I apologize in advance for my buzzkill question. A few months ago, my dad passed away after a short fight with lung cancer. He smoked, he drank, he was a general badass that I hope to be half as awesome as if/when I'm a father. He was a huge fan of yours, too - we'd watch your standup a lot, mostly because you were, "his kinda guy". You'd tell jokes about situations or past experiences that my dad would relate to on a whole different level then other comedians. So, for starters; I wanted to say thanks for doing what you do. You added a lot of laughs to my dads life, and I can't thank you enough. But I gotta admit, I miss the guy everyday. How do you deal with loss in your life? Now, if you'll excuse me, Im going to pour a glass of Century and light a gar for my old man.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm glad your dad was a fan.

I lost my best friend in December, my best friend of 51 years, who was my road manager. And it still hurts as bad as the day he died.

So I don't know.

I don't expect to ever get over it.

When viewing pornography, do you enjoy big cocks?

Yes, I do like big, hard, throbbing cocks in my porn. I don't like little flaccid cocks. I don't think that makes me gay, but I like big hard cocks in my porn.

Ron, what's the strangest/worst experience you've had while on stage?

A guy walked out in his underwear...

What kind of sandwich do you make at 2am after getting home from the bar?

Peanut butter and jelly, baby! With a big glass of whole milk, cold.

What was it like working with Jeff, Larry, and Bill on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour?

Well, I haven't done it in 10 years, I guess.

And it was fantastic. I love 'em to death. They're all great guys, great comics. I'm a little rowdy for 'em, so they tour without me. They all have corporate images, and I chose another path, where no corporation would ever touch me. But hanging out with 'em was fantastic. And that made my career. I don't know where I would be without Blue Collar. I just don't know.

Probably in Omaha.

How do you take your scotch? straight, chilled, rocks, teaspoon of water, one ice cube, whiskey stones?

You know, one ice cube in the summer.

In the winter, neat. Maybe one drop of water.

Any fun anecdotes from the Blue Collar Comedy tour that you can share with us?

You know, it's going back 10 years...

One time we were doing a photoshoot, we were filming Blue Collar in Phoenix, and there was nothing in there but a photography rig and a big light, and we're in a small room. And the four of us were having our picture taken. And somebody hit the light, and broke it, and in the time between it took it going dark and someone hitting the light switch, Larry the Cable Guy pulled his pants down, put his hands up against the wall, and yelled 'BULLSHIT!'

He's got the quickest mind, man. He's way smarter than people think he is.

Who do you think is the funniest person on earth (other than yourself)?

So they have to be on the earth?

You know, that's so hard. I saw Chappelle the other day and it was great. I saw Dave Attell the other day, and laughed as hard as I could laugh. But the funniest thing i ever saw was the Doyle & Debbie show, in Nashville, and that's the only place you can see it, on Tuesday nights, in the place called The Station Inn. It's a two person play. Funniest thing I've ever seen. I thought I was going to fall out of my chair. Thought it was the most brilliant, original thing I ever seen. My wedding actually started off with the play! My wife brought some friends from Europe and they didn't get it. It's funnier than Book of Mormon.

What book is your favorite? And what book inspires you in your life?

Well, 50 Shades of Grey is my favorite.

And Brokeback Mountain, the novel, inspired me to be what I am today.

My favorite book... I don't know. Kinda hard to say. The one I just finished was good. UNBROKEN. That was a fantastic book. I didn't see the movie, but it was a fantastic book. Same guy who wrote SEABISCUIT. A River Runs Through it is one of my favorite books - i'll just pick it up and read passages. Just the visuals they were able to produce through words, incredible.

GREEN EGGS & HAM. Hilarious. And I also love David Sedaris, all of his books.

What's your take on British comedians? Who's decent?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't really watch a lot of standup on TV. Who's the guy who has the show on the weekends?

John Oliver - I think HE is fucking hilarious.

When you did that Dr. Phil bit, is that one of your favorites? And also what was the name of that scotch that you said tasted like honey butter marinated in Lindsay Lohan pussy?

It was Black Grouse, is the name of it.

And yes, I enjoy doing that bit. But is it one of my favorites? I couldn't really say. But I do enjoy doing it.

And Doc loves the bit.

Ron, do you ever work out? Do you lift?

No, I don't lift weights. I do some yoga, and I play golf every day. I don't know if that's really working out.

Is this your 1st appearance at Madison Square Garden? And is your talented wife going to sing for us?

Yes.

Whats your go to insult to yell out when someone cuts you off in traffic?

It depends on what car I'm drivin.'

If I'm driving my truck, I'll run into them. But if I'm driving my nice car, then I'll just give 'em the finger, pull out a weapon on 'em.

Where do you think the first egg on Earth came from and what was in it?!

Well, it was an Easter Egg, because it came from the Lord, and there were little chocolate bunnies in it.

This is my 3rd husband. I'm his 4th wife. He drinks heavy and smokes weed.

Anything else we should be doing right? (No kids... and we aren't doing that shit!)

Help us out!

That's a complicated question.

Gimme a second to wrap my arms around that thing.

Yeah, you should also be eating more soup.

That helps.

What's your favorite kind of salad?

Hamburger salad with a bun, and lettuce and tomatoes and onion.

I don't really like salad.

Hey Ron! What's your favorite scotch?

I'm a huge fan of yours! I can relate with you because I too have been "spun into a dimension of pissed off i have never been in my life". After making a right turn out of the dealership "my tire falls off; it falls off; it falls the fuck off. Turning my truck into a tripod." I made the dealership pay the $1700 in damage it caused my truck. :)

Well, my favorite scotch is the 18 year old Macallan.

Do you have a favorite that is less than $75? Thanks for your response!

Black Grouse is less than $75.

Hey Ron,

Is there a bar for you when it comes to low-brow humor? Has comedy always helped you through hard times?

HA HA! Sometimes there's not a bar!

I don't know if by "low-brow" you just mean "blue?" If there's a good joke to be had there... it's fine. But if you're just going there to be blue, then it's useless. So there's not really a bar. There's definitely subjects that I'm not a good enough writer to tackle.

But a good writer can tackle anything. Chappelle - when I saw him the other day - he walked out on some flimsy limbs and jumped on 'em.

I guess so? Things have been pretty good lately. But I've lost some really dear friends within the last 14 months. So I guess going to these shows, maybe it does. Laughter does help, sure.

What kind of van do you drive now? A Mercedes?

I don't drive a van.

What is your favorite/least favorite state to perform in while on tour?

I love every single one of 'em. Unbelievably how much I love every single state in America. My favorite's Texas, cuz that's where I'm from.

When inspiration strikes, is there always a bottle or bowl nearby? IE do chemicals help with creativity?

The bowl does sometimes help with creativity. The bottle, not at all.

A lot of my stuff gets written on my tour bus. Because everybody on my camp is funny, so we'll just bounce things around, while we head down the road, partyin'.

But if you don't smoke too much - if you smoke TOO much, it's just a dial-tone, but if you use a little bit sparingly, then it can be a creative tool.

I'm usually hitting the dial-tone.

At what place in the world would you most like to visit?

Vietnam.

You are definitely my favorite member of the Blue Collar guys, what's your favorite story about one of them from the earlier days of your comedy career?

What would you say to any aspiring comedians who find it difficult balancing surviving on a 9-5 job while trying to make it in stand up?

Well, I'll tell ya, we all did, you know - when Blue Collar, it's pretty much just the overall experience. We toured together for 3.5 years, made 3 movies that sold millions and millions of copies. The only decent advice that I can give you - there's no one way to do it - but the best piece of advice I can give you is be true to your nature.

And that's harder to do than you think it is.

I'm 29 and at a cross roads in my life where I want to dramatically change careers and I think comedy might be what I really want.

What would you say to someone like me?

Well, here's the thing about venturing into comedy: it needs to be as a hobby, not to make money. Because you probably won't make a dime doing it. The average person doesn't make a dime. So it's gotta sound like it's fun to you. If that sounds fun to you, then go do it. But I wouldn't quit my job and do it, because it's really really hard, and you don't know how good you're going to do at it.

I did it as a hobby. I never had any intention of doing it as a job. But it just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. but i never even saw it coming! Not even after Jeff Foxwerthy blew up next to me!

Be okay with doing it as a hobby. If you're not, then don't bother.

What whiskey are you normally sipping on stage?

Now, it's my tequila. That's always onstage with me. But in the past, it was nearly always the 18 year old Macallan.

So what's Tater Tot been up to these days?

Tater Tot is selling cratum on the internet at KindCratum.com

What is Ron White's life like these days? Little dogs and hot wife? Touring? At home drinking and smoking?

BINGO.

How long did it take you to perfect your laugh? It gets me every time.

chuckles

I don't know! I don't know that i work on my laugh a bit. It's natural.

Hey Ron, can I hear your favorite Sluggo story? Cheers!

Well, Sluggo would be 31 if he wouldn't've died when he was 8.

I don't know...

He had really bad breath.

Is there any joke you wish you hadn't done?

Oh no. Not at all. The only thing you can do wrong as a comic is not try it.

What's your best story of hanging out/partying with fans after a show? (As in a non-planned after party )

I don't know. I mean, we always hang after shows. We go look for live music. I got in a fight after the show in Albany this weekend, with a jerk. So that wasn't fun. That doesn't really fit, does it?

I mean, nothing really sticks out. I like to dance, headband, and listen to rock & roll - so we party with the fans quite a bit!

How old were you when you started doing stand up?

Twenty-nine.

Did you ever get the quit out of you?

No.

Would you rather fight 1 horse-sized duck or 10 duck-sized horses? Defend your answer with sound reasoning.

I'd rather fight the 10 duck-sized horses because of their "kickability."

When are you gonna call dale dudley back?

I don't know? I mean, I'm doing a festival in Austin that's coming up in a few weeks? Dale's emotionally unstable. But I'll definitely be on his show when I come back to do that comedy festival. I don't know when it is. I don't follow my own career very closely.

Your last special was funny as hell! how long does it take you to write enough material to fill an hour's worth of stand-up comedy??

Cheers!

A LONG TIME.

I let my stuff sit on the vine a lot longer than some comics do. Like Louis CK. I think he writes a special every 3 hours. And I don't write like that.

I would say 3 years? Something like that?

Big fan. Ralphie May told a story of you being down and out and you owned a ceramics factory in Mexico. Was it really because you fucked the booker in the Houston comedy club and talked shit about her? I think that's funny as hell.

Yeah, well, I'm not sure Ralphie May got it exactly right. I told the Funnybone Comedy Chain, the guy that books it, to eat "a steaming bowl of fuck." And then I moved to Mexico and start a pottery concern.

What is the most expensive thing you have ever bought?

A house.

Do you still see those guys from the Blue Collar group very often?

Uh yeah! I still see Jeff when I'm in Atlanta. We've all been friends for a long time. I only met Dan recently. But Bill and i have been friends, we're all still good friends. We just don't tour with me, is what we don't do.

What is the funniest gag/prank you have seen while on tour?

Well, I don't know if it was funny or not, but we were in Oxnard, CA, and this guy came walking out onstage in his underwear, big guy, and the crowd started cracking up, and I was thinking "that wasn't that funny" - they were laughing really hard - so that's when I looked around. And these guys were trying to sell novelty underwear that you could rotate it around, with 4 or 5 different holes in it. I don't know if he was serious about it or not, but I went over, patted him on the shoulder and walked him to the side of the stage, where he probably went to jail.