I am actor and comedian Artie Lange. You might recognize me from The Howard Stern Show, my twitter account @artiequitter, two bestselling books, or my latest comedy special on Comedy Central "The Stench of Failure." AMA.

When was the last time you talked to howard?

About 2 years ago.

Artie, We lost the greatest wack-paker ever, Eric the "Actor". What was your best memory of this little guy from Sacramento?

He came to a comedy gig I did in San Francisco once, and he was onstage for exactly 4 minutes, and got booed offstage and wanted me to pay him $4,000. And I obliged, cuz i loved him, but he had this kind of "I don't care" attitude that is what you need in show business, I believe.

In 2006 you admitted to having a man's load shot on your chest at an orgy. Since then, have any other men spilled their seed on your body?

No, and that was a complete mistake, and no. It's never happened again, nor will it ever happen again.

Loved you on the Stern show, enjoyed both your books too. Thanks for the laughs Artie. The show has never been as good since you left. Will you ever do an interview with Stern? Or appear on wrap up maybe?

Sure I would if they wanted me to! But the time would have to be right, I think. But of course i would, I would do anything for the show.

How good did it feel to ruin Joe Buck's talk show before it even started?

I did not try to ruin Joe Buck's talk show! I did NOT try to ruin Joe Buck's talk show. He's a great guy, he's become a good friend of mine, Joe wrote the forward for my last book, good man, and I was just trying to be funny, and anything that happened that night was my fault, but I wasn't trying to ruin it, i was trying to help a friend. I take responsibility for being TOO dirty on the show, but Joe's a great guy.

Hey Artie! Been a fan since you were on MadTV. My question is: What was your favorite moment ever on Stern?

Uh... probably when I got to sing with AC/DC. I got to sing "You Shook Me All Night Long." Out of a bunch of fun times, that was probably my favorite time.

Hey Art

If you were offered your old chair on Stern would you take it?

Or are the chances zero. point. zero.?

Also, who's your faaaavorite wackpacker?

Most fans of the show agree that it's become a helluva lot less funny since you left, we miss ya bud.

Edit: http://i.imgur.com/Wx3gPul.gif

I don't think that whatever happens, that's kind of a moot point. A lot has changed over the years, ya know..I think Howard's become a way more mainstream and important person in the business, in that Howard has a lot more A-List celebrities on that I might not fit in with. The show's gotten a lot bigger in that respect, and I don't know if I would be something that would be good for it.

Beetlejuice!

Aw, I think the show is way better in a lot of respects since I left. But I appreciate it.

What is your favorite Norm MacDonald story?

Probably when he told me to, uh, to come and read for the movie "Dirty Work" as an audition, and I didn't realize that I was actually getting the part in the movie, and he made it sound like it was going to be another audition, and when I called him up and I was ready to go and read, he told me on the phone that I got the part - and all these nerves went away. It was kinda funny, how he did it.

You were great in the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner. Would you do another roast if given the opportunity?

Yes, they have asked me again to do another roast, and it was always about scheduling. And of course - I have done a couple of 'em, Hugh Hefner and Shatner, and they've asked me to do others which I couldn't because of scheduling. But I love doing 'em, they're a lot of fun.

Hey Artie, towards the end of your last book Crash and Burn, you mentioned that while you were at the lowest of lows, a famous friend stabbed you in the back. Any chance we can find out who it was and what happened?

The person wasn't that famous, people might know him, but they aren't that famous. The person was certainly far from really famous, but people might not know him. And I made a personal promise to myself not to give them the satisfaction.

I'd just like to say, as a gal who has struggled with depression and recently admitted to her own narcotic addiction, I'm glad you're still here with us, bro. You always make me smile. Now, since I have to make this official with a question, any good rehabs you can recommend?

Yes! there's a place in Florida I would go to called - well, there's a couple of great ones, but there's a place - I'm not sure if they want me to give it out, but - I'm sure they do, I dunno - right now... I would.. um... uhr... I will have to think about that one, actually.

Will you be joining Joe Buck and Troy Aikman during the Eagles - Cowboys game on Thanksgiving? This would be extremely funny if it happened. Please make it happen!!!

I wish I had the power to make that happen, I really do, but I don't think it will. I guarantee it won't, as a matter of fact.

Do you and Norm still keep in touch? Has he asked you to be on his podcast? Will you ask him to be on yours? As a longtime fan, I always enjoy watching you guys team up.

I will ask Norm Macdonald and David Spade, old friends, to be on my podcast.

Norm has asked me to be on his, but I couldn't make it out to LA on time. And I recently had dinner with Norm in LA, so yes I do talk to him.

How did you feel when Brad Garrett (from Everybody Loves Raymond) called you out about going to therapy and your willingness to get sober?

Overall, who do you think saw through the lies the most when you were using?

Well, first of all, I thought Brad Garrett was a really nice guy. I thought he was concerned for me, and when he called me out, I appreciated what he did. I consider it a nice thing that he did. And I'd say, my family, my mother and sister and my girlfriend at the time, those 3 women I would say saw through the lies the most.

Whats your favorite part about being from NJ?

The fact that, you know, so many creative people are from New Jersey and a lot of people from NJ, if they get famous, they seem to act like a family towards you - other people I've met from NJ seem to be very kind to me, Bruce Springsteen was kind to me, Ray Liotta was kind to me, there was a camaraderie there that's kind of special and that I appreciate.

Hey Artie! How are you feeling these days?

I feel great, I feel fantastic, I'm busier than ever and I'm really feeling good!

baby gorilla, do you get upset when you see guys all pumped up with abs? What should gyms on every block be replaced with?

Uh.... gyms shouldn't be replaced, we need them, I need to get my fat ass in a gym, although I don't trust anybody with abs.

Art! Big fan, I'm excited for your new podcast. Who are some buddies that you're gonna have on the show?

Well, I'll have my old friends on, like Dave Attell and you know, Joe Mattareese, I'll probably have some younger guys, some older guys, whoever's around.

Artie! Big fan, big fan, man!

Howard had Neil Young on yesterday for the first time -- one of his main idols and yours too if I remember correctly. and mine. Did you catch it? If so what did you think about him soft-balling Neil like he was a man in debt and Neil was The Chariman of Goldman Sachs?

^(p.s the babewatch/pig/coke story http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=143_1336807142 is the funniest thing ever. Funnier like Pryor funny

Well, I haven't heard the Neil Young interview, but I'm DYING to. That's probably the best way to hear him interviewed, because Howard is a HUGE HUGE fan. And I'm sure that Howard treated him with respect - Paul McCartney, I know that Howard puts him in the league with the Beatles, so I'm sure it was great, can't wait to see that.

Hey Artie, If you could write a movie starring Bobby Moynihan and yourself, what would it be about?

I actually pitched him a movie once on my old radio show, where I played a guy who gets into show biz and then blows his whole career on drugs and everything, and I'm like the ghost of Christmas future, my version of a Christmas Carol, and I take Bobby on a trip of things NOT to do to screw up your life. I pitched it on the air, it was kind of a joke.

Artie, can we please have a weekly segment on your podcast where Gilbert Gottfried comes in and someone reads news stories for you two to riff on? Preferably full of obscure references and impressions? The height of comedy was always the two of you during Robin's news.

Aww, well hopefully when I get my podcast up, Gilbert will come on! And I always had fun when Gilbert came on the Stern show or my old DirecTV show, but it's not up to me, it's up to Gilbert but I will be asking him to do whatever he can on my new podcast.

When you were first breaking into the business, how nervous were you? I, being a comedian, am doubting myself when it comes to signing up for these local comedy shows where I live. How did you get pass those nerves?

You gotta keep doing it, you gotta somehow get onstage and keep doing it, that's the only way to get past the nerves. I don't care if it's in front of 2 people or 50 people, just get up as many times as you can and do it.

Big fan here and looking forward to your new stand-up special. Your Bob Uecker stories are some of the funnies I’ve heard, but my all-time favorite moment is when you tongue kissed Blue Iris (bless her heart). How would one go about landing a gig writing for you? FIYAAAAH!

Well, I would just go onto @artiequitter, my twitter account, and ask and tweet at me. Tweeting at me is the best possible way, because I check that quite a bit. Try to make an arrangement to meet me in a city where I do standup. And you can also try to write me some samples through twitter.

What number are the Wise chips in the Sirius vending machine?

Also, did you ever finish that case of Devil Dogs?

Yes.

I seriously don't remember.

Hey Artie, Hope you are doing well. Please write another book, they are highly entertaining.

Now the question on everybody’s mind: How is sobriety treating you these days?

It's good, ya know? I keep going one day at a time. What i have is my work, my work is what helps me through everything. It's like therapy, talking to the fans, you guys get me through it, and that's my deal. Work is what helps me the most more than anything. Comedy helps me.

do you find it therapeutic to do standup about stuff you've been through ?

Yes, very much so. Very much so. I use the crowd as a shrink sometimes, and it really helps.

Where do you get your ideas from? No seriously, my wife loves the bit when you were goofing on Courtney Love , doing this sort of stream of consciousness thing. Was she pissed off at you for pointing out how ridiculous she sounded?

Stuff just comes to you, like on the Stern show, stuff would come VERY spontaneously, sometimes when people talk it inspires you to goof on them, and Courtney was like that. There's no rhyme or reason where comedy ideas come from, it's usually COMPLETELY out of nowhere. I have insomnia at hotels, that's my biggest one.

Artie, Once when I was too lazy to read,I borrowed the Too Fat To Fish audiobook from the library. I listened to it on my commute to and from work. During that time I remember I would circle around the block a few times before I would actually park the car just to hear a few more minutes. What books or autobiographies have touched you?

Oh god... A book about John Belushi called "Wired"... A book about Woody Allen by Eric Lax... and the latest one about Richard Pryor.

What happened with you and directv and why did Nick Dipaolo get fired as well?

Uh, well, Nick left on his own as was said in public, he went on to do his own podcast, and i had a 3 year contract that basically ended and we went our separate ways. I had always wanted to do a podcast because it's uncensored, so that's what I am going to do.

What does a $10,000 hooker look like? You mentioned paying this much for one night on Maron's podcast.

It looks like a young Carmen Electra, it really is, you'd be surprised. If you have the cash, you can get a young Carmen Electra, and it's hotter, you don't have to marry them, they're gone, you're gone, everything's fine.

Do you ever talk to Dana?

No I don't. I wish her nothing but the best. Dana is a great person, and we dated 5 years. I've heard she's doing well, and I wish her and her family the best.

Any chance of you being a guest on the Opie and Jim show or Anthony Cumia's new podcast?

Not right now, I would never rule anything out for sure, for definite, but not right now.

Artie... How does it feel to be in the greatest movie scene of all time? Of course I am referring to the Rickles speech. How you kept it straight, I have no idea.

Link

By the way. We love you man.

Aw well, it was hard at first. The first 10 takes I laughed and thought I was gonna get fired, but thank god they didn't fire me. It's great to be onscreen with Don Rickles, he didn't do many movies, that's a unique thing so I'm very proud of that.

Halloween is coming...what are some of your greatest or most ridiculous Halloween costumes from the past (not counting a pig or ashes on your head)? I imagine Richard must be loving some pumpkin beer right about now...what's your Halloween plans this year?

Well, I'm 47 years old, so I don't really make halloween plans anymore, but if a friend has a party, sometimes I go, but 1985 I went as Tom Sellect, i put a Detroit Tiger hat on and grew a mustache and went as Tom Selleck.

Artie, what the hell was going on when you were in the hospital in Detroit?

I went into a diabetic shock and almost a diabetic coma, it was very scary. I did a show in Detroit, I did an hour onstage, and as i was saying goodnight to the crowd, somebody yelled out "You look like shit!" and I felt like I was gonna faint, and my manager and i went to the hospital, and they said "you're lucky to be here, your blood sugar's out of control" - I was hospitalized for 9 days while they got my diabetes under control.

What was the deal with the incident in Paris?

Did you relapse or did the argument get that far out of control?

Na, I relapsed with drink, thank god no drugs but drinking. When I was drinking, I got into a fight with my girlfriend, insulted some friends (which was coming from a drunken haze) and then I got arrested for public drunkenness, spent a night in a Paris jail, and then since i had no drugs in my system they let me go.

Still gambling? If so (or not) who are you betting on for the World Series?

BABABOOEY BABABOOEY HOWARD STERNS PENIS

Hahahah.

I'm not gambling anymore, or betting.

Hey Artie. I've always appreciated your honesty and forewardness with your addictions. You're a good dude and I'll be sure to check out your new special.

My questions are 1) Do you have any good Beetlejuice stories? Did fame hurt him or help him since he was such a bizzare looking and acting guy? And 2) Do you think the comparison of Howard being a PT Barnum of the radio industry is an accurate one and did you guys ever come across people or acts you thought were too much to give exposure to?

1) I think fame has helped him make some money, and helped him and his family. And my favorite story is one time - I fell offstage in Vegas, and he called me over voicemail 2 days later and told me I was a mess.

2) No, that's all up to Howard. I don't think calling him PT Barnum is accurate though, because that's just one aspect of what he does. It's not up to me about a line he wouldn't cross, that would be a question for Howard.

Art, huge fan.

Are there people from the stern show that you apologized to after getting sober? People you fought with when you were going through withdrawal? (Lisa G, high pitch mike, Richard and Sal)?

Yeah, well, Richard and Sal I've talked to and they know i love them and I appreciate their friendship. And High Pitch Mike and I specifically have apologized to each other. But publicly I've tried to apologize to everyone there, from Howard on down.

Were you naturally quick-witted or did you develop it?

Well, I think I had a natural quick wit about me, but if you get into comedy, especially the type of comedy I got into, a lot of standup and talking off the cuff on a radio and then sketch comedy, it does help it, and you get better.

I read and loved Confederacy of Dunces because of you! Any other book recommendations?

Well, this is another one amongst literary people - this might be another common one, but if you finished that one, I would go to Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson.

Artie,

How do you think the Yankees will be over the next 5-10 years since they are a team seemingly on the decline, especially since the entire core four are now retired?

I think Derek Jeter leaving symbolizes a tough time we're going into as Yankee fans. We're going into a slide for about 5 years, but I like Joe and I will always be a big Yankees fan.

What was it like making a On the Road documentary with JD? Any fun stories?

I think JD did a great job! he was always lurking in the back, didn't look like he was doing once but always put together great footage without bugging me, but what he created was great. He's a talented filmmaker, and I look back at the films he made and laugh, cuz we were on the road.

Thanks for doing this Artie! Is it safe to say that your new gig won't require you to get up at 4am every day?

My new gig, no, we'll be doing the show multi times a week, but it will be mid-afternoon.

What was making Beer League like? It has an awesome cast and is one of my favorite comedies because a lot of the humor is just palin' around with your buds. Is that how it felt?

Yes, Beer League was a BUNCH of fun to make. It was hard work, and stress and pressure because I raised the money with my friends based on me, and you know, my friend writing in it, I wore a lot of hats so it was stressful, but people in it were stressful and it was as good a time as something that stressful can be.

All I've got to say is Dirty Work. It was a favorite as a kid, I have lots of great memories reenacting scenes with my best friend. I was fatter so I usually played you.

Can you comment on working on Dirty Work, or have a story from working on it? Also have you worked with Don Rickles since than?

I haven't worked with Don Rickles since, he was on the Stern show since then and we interviewed him... it was nice to talk to him again, and we took a picture, and it was fun, I told a story on Letterman as well, but Norm and I, would LOVE to get a Dirty Work 2 going on, it's been 15 years since it came out, but we would love to make it. We talk about it all the time.

That and Beer League were my two favorite movies.

1) Was it awkward sitting in the green room at The Tonight Show with Kristen Stewart? Loved your appearance on Fallon!

2) Do you find it difficult to stay clean while on the road? Do you think depression is common among comedians?

3) Which late night show do you prefer to watch/be on?

1) Well, thank you! And no, we're not in the same greenroom, we had separate dressing rooms, so I never met her. I just did Seth Meyers last night with Nicole Richie, and I didn't meet her either.

2) Yes, I have a gig coming up in Cleveland Saturday night, and it's always difficult. I have a support network. But you gotta do what you gotta do to make a living. There's worse ways to make a living out there. Unfortunately it seems to be, the great comics i've known and what i've read about history have suffered from it, from Lenny Bruce to Richard Pryor to Robin Williams, great great funny people. It seems to be, I don't know what the cause is for that, I'm not a shrink, but yes it is common.

3) I love the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, and Kimmel and Conan.

Artie! You were one of the best parts of The Howard Stern show! Will we ever see you guys reunite? Are you in contact with anyone from the show still?

I talk to people on the show every once in a while, they're busy, I'm busy it's hard, I talk to Gary, I talk to Sal here and there, and once in a while Howard or Fred, everybody's doing their thing. Would I be on the show again? I have no idea, who knows.

Now that its been a few years, how do you look back at Beer League and what would you have done different?

I would have got a different distributor! the movie itself i love and am proud of, but i would've gotten different people to distribute it.

Big fan Artie, Do you have any advice for people who feel down when it comes to reaching their goals?

Yeah, buddy, just never stop trying. There's so much negativity out there in the world nowadays, social media blah blah blah, just keep trying. There's no other way to put it.

Hey Artie

Glad to hear you will be doing a podcast soon. I was wondering what will the theme be to it and if you'd ever have guests on from the Stern Universe?

Thanks. Wish you all the best.

The podcast will be, you know, current events, a lot of sports, stories from my crazy life, characters and my opinions on stuff, and I will have a guest on from any walk of life that i can get on, probably some people that i know through Stern or you know through Stern as well.

Hey man, I'm a big fan. You've been a big inspiration to me in fighting your demons and I spend hours at work listening to your stand up and classic bits from Stern.

Any plans to write another movie?

I do have another movie, the person I wrote Beer League with, but we don't have time to do it right now, we both gotta make a living doing other things in show business, hopefully one day we can do it.

Do you ever hear from Crazy Alice (Fuck you Artie... Hi Sal)?

No, I hope she's okay. I think sometimes Alice goes away to the hospitals here and there to work on stuff. I liked Alice, haven't heard from her in a LONG time.

How is it being a blue collar guy in that world?

Uh, well, you know, you lose a lot of the blue collar stuff when you start to get some money. Hopefully if i have kids, they'll be less blue collar. I'm still trying to figure out chopsticks on my end.

Was making out with Blue Iris as enjoyable as it looked?

Well it was exactly how it looked. I'll put it that way.

However it looked to you, that's exactly how it was.

From your second book it seemed like a major catalyst for your drug problems and self destruction was your schedule of doing radio and hitting the road for comedy gigs. You have a new podcast coming up and your stand up gigs seem as active as ever. Aren't you worried of falling in the same hole (if you haven't already)?

Of course it's always a worry. That's why I do these specials, this is my third special for Comedy Central, and when I do those I have to slow down to write more standup, so I won't be doing as much. Also my podcast is coming out soon, so I won't be doing as much.

Hey artie, I was fortunate enough to go to the taping for your special. My question is: how do you decide what parts of your life to include in your standup material?

Well, it's what I can make funny - with standup comedy, you have to be funny unfortunately, so whatever i think can easily be turned into a joke.

What do you feel about Benjy's girlfriend?

I don't know her! I've never seen her or know her. I have no opinion. I'd like to meet her one day.

Artie, I'm a big fan from the UK. You seem to get a lot of abuse on twitter, what's the best/funniest insult ever thrown at you? My personal favourite was when someone said you looked like a dead clown!

... really.

"It looks like Artie could never go swimming, since it looks like it's never been more than half an hour since he last ate."

How much fun was shooting that episode of Entourage? Is Jeremy Piven really a douche?

Hehe. growly noise

No, Jeremy was a real good guy. It was 2 fourteen hour shoot days, and jeremy's actually a nice guy. He gave me advice that helped me do better at the part, and it was fun to be on Entourage, legendary show.

What is your podcast going to be like? How many hours/how often, etc? How much will it cost? Loved the direct TV show. Is Bochetti still fat?

Bochetti is still fat, he lost some weight.

The show will be at least 3 times a week for 2 hours per day. And the cost will be anywhere from $5 to $8, in that range, we're working on it, nothing too expensive. But it will be COMPLETELY Uncensored and a lot of fun, so it'll be a blast, I promise.

Happy Belated Birthday! What kind of cake did you have?

Chocolate fudge with white cake. Chocolate fudge filling and icing.

If you could pick a panel of six comedians dead or alive to roast you, who would you pick?

OOFF.

Sam Kinison, Richard Pryor, Nick DiPaolo, Jeff Ross and Greg Giraldo.

How do you like your steak?

I'm a medium rare guy.