Hi I'm Erin Pizzey. I founded the first internationally recognized battered women's refuge in the UK back in the 1970s, and I have been working with abused women, men, and children ever since. I also do work helping young boys in particular learn how to read these days. My first book on the topic of domestic violence, "Scream Quietly or the Neighbours Will Hear" gained worldwide attention making the general public aware of the problem of domestic abuse. I've also written a number of other books. My current book, available from Peter Owen Publishers, is "This Way to the Revolution - An Autobiography," which is also a history of the beginning of the women's movement in the early 1970s. A list of my books is below. I am also now Editor-at-Large for A Voice For Men ( http://www.avoiceformen.com ). Ask me anything!


This Way to the Revolution - An Autobiography
Scream Quietly or the Neighbours Will Hear
Infernal Child (an early memoir)
Sluts' Cookbook
Erin Pizzey Collects
Prone to violence
Wild Child
The Emotional Terrorist and The Violence-prone


The Watershed
In the Shadow of the Castle
The Pleasure Palace (in manuscript)
First Lady
Consul General's Daughter
The Snow Leopard of Shanghai
Other Lovers
Swimming with Dolphins
For the Love of a Stranger
The Wicked World of Women 

You can find my home page here:


You can find me on Facebook here:


And here's my announcement that it's me, on A Voice for Men, where I am Editor At Large and policy adviser for Domestic Violence:


Update We tried so hard to get to everybody but we couldn't, but here's a second session with more!


Comments: 1622 • Responses: 38  • Date: 

mhra1272 karma

First, thank you for your courageous work throughout the years. You are an inspiration to many. Now, my question: Did you see the events at University of Toronto recently? Were they anything like feminist protests you've seen in the past?

erinpizzey529 karma

Absolutely. As I watched Warren Farrell's ordeal at the hands of the radical feminists at the Toronto university I was reminded of the pickets in the 1970s wherever I spoke, and the banners that said "all men are rapists" "all men are bastards." This has not happened for a very long time, and to see it rising again--and to think that there are possibly tutors, professors, at universities who are brainwashing these young girls (and boys) into believing that men are dangerous -- the point really is that I'm holding the professors responsible for this.

And also I'm half Canadian, my mother was Canadian.

erinpizzey218 karma

I'm going to respond to this first comment of mine to say that it's getting late and I'm tired but this has been wonderful and I thank you all, and, if I'm still welcome, I'll come back next Saturday around the same time to get anyone I missed. I hope that's OK with you all, my apologies to anyone I didn't get to, please sleep well!

I hope if you're reading this you'll consider donation to A Voice for Men or National Coalition for Men for all the terrific work they do to help people!



DannyboyCdnMRA136 karma

Erin, I've noticed recently that feminists have begun to make the claim 'men we are your friend.' Why do you think they are now starting to broadcast that particular message? Thanks for all you do and for your reply, Dan Perrins

erinpizzey257 karma

Hopefully it is because there are new young women who call themselves "equity feminists," which we all are, because sane people genuinely want equality under the law, and they want to work with men towards peace. I hope even the angry ones are starting to realize something is wrong and that the war against men has been terrible... it's destroyed marriages, really, destroyed relationships, it has.

Drapetomania104 karma

Unfortunately, it's not. They go on to say things like, "patriarchy hurts men too!" while going on to brush off anything they say with "check your privilege!"

Of course "patriarchy" is being (intentionally?) conflated with "gender norms" but the implication is, of course, that men and solely men are responsible as the oppressive party.

edit: Sup SRS? gonna go cwy some more on your li'l forum? gonna "activism" the shit out of erinpizzey by downvoting? You little babies don't do shit except whine on the internet. The pathetic lot of you. Heh. "DAT POST IS PROBLEMATIC." It's really cute how you try to use the jargon of your professors in an attempt to feel "educated" and "cultured" and "engaged" with something, but you're really not. It's a good thing your activism is nothing more than tears on the internet, because, heh, anything you'd do would just be damaging to people. You're like teenagers looking for an identity and subculture to fit in, and it's so adorable.

erinpizzey385 karma

I get so tired of mantras. "Patriarchy" is a load of rubbish. We need to get past buzz words. Individuals are individuals. We don't need collective nouns for behavior. We shouldn't need a women's movement or a men's movement, we need to come out of this brutal war that has caused so many men to commit suicide, so many fathers to lose their children and their homes, and include women who have been hurt by men... it is not about the war between men and women because the truth behind the women's movement, it was not about men it was about money, and a small group of very powerful women saw the possibility of creating a billion dollar industry by excluding and demonizing masculinity.

If there are people who call themselves feminist who genuinely care about men's issues, let them show that they are working on men's issues and allowing men to speak of their own experiences in their own voices and don't demand they allow feminism to speak for them, let them speak for themselves and represent themselves. Enough of labels, show your intent with word and deed.

BastianContrario10 karma

we all hope for that, and we know for sure many women want genuine equality. but isn't feminism, claiming to supporting male issues, removing legitimacy to a male based movement and its requests? if it is a strategy to silence other voices, how can we effectively answer to that?

erinpizzey60 karma

We don't have to, do we? Men need to speak without apology to their experiences.

AldirGracindo132 karma

Hello! There's something I've always wanted to ask someone who is specialized in domestic violence: how to spot a violent intimate partner? Some of them are so charming, sweet, romantic. Some sick ppl are actually good on staging a lot of behaviors we identify as of the person of your dreams.

erinpizzey262 karma

I call it "the mask of sanity." If you have a look on an article on A Voice for Men you will see on what I call the terrorist in the family (here: http://www.avoiceformen.com/women/working-with-violent-women/ ), have a look at that article.

Men and women express violence differently. Men tend to explode, and be overtly violent, where women tend to implode, and become subversively angry. Most violence-prone people are at times capable of being enormously charismatic and exhude a completely false warmth. This is how they fool ordinary people.

So how do you spot such a person? Always beware of anyone who needs to be the center of attention, and if they're not they sulk, they cannot survive being in the wings of an event. Most violence-prone people will lie about their past. So if you see evidence of that watch out for it. The other thing to watch out for is morbid jealousy--that is they fantasize that their partner is having sex with or looking at other people and they become enraged. This is not love, this is a very dangerous form of possessivenes. Violence-prone people will want to check on everything: phone calls, emails, Facebook, anywhere that their partner can have any independent relationships bar the one he or she has now.

To make it smaller, that person, let's say it's a woman, once she's got his claws in him, he can have no relationships without her, including his family, and her first steps will be to cut her partner from all his other outlets.

Spoonwood118 karma

Hi Erin,

I read in your This Way to the Revolution that you had trouble setting up a domestic violence shelter for men, in part, because men didn't seem to want to self-organize like women did, and that things would have gone better if you had a group of women to help men take care of themselves. What sorts of steps do you think need to be taken for successful domestic violence shelters for men? How do you think they can effectively get organized?

erinpizzey160 karma

Well, hopefully, under the new VAWA act, which is supposed to be more gender inclusive, because it is now possible to ask for monies to set up refuges for men, because the act has to be gender neutral. So now for the first time in history the way is open for men's shelters (as they're called in America) to be opened, and I am working with SAVE Services and Ed Bartlett to think about how to do that.

But I also help men will step forward and volunteer and donate. I know women will step forward and hopefully men will join them to make this happen. Men really need to start caring about each other and not just women.

agiganticpanda43 karma

Do you have any information about volunteering yet?

erinpizzey104 karma

In the UK I am a patron of Mankind http://www.mankind.org.uk/

In the US I recommend contacting SAVE Services at http://www.saveservices.org/ or maybe the Domestic Abuse Hotline for Men and Women in the US http://dahmw.org/ or Earl Silverman in Canada http://www.familyofmen.com/

All of these are desperately underfunded and get nowhere near enough attention. They need help.

Also you can get involved and be the first in your community. Start a meeting, call a meeting.

Do be wary if you're going to start helping abused people, you have to beware of the walking wounded, because they haven't healed themselves sufficiently to be positive towards new initiatives. So make sure to have your eyes open and to get good advice. But don't be afraid to stand up and speak.

Perhaps even call the domestic abuse lines in your area and also ask them how they help men and how you can help them help men. I worry about some of those because they're feminist funded but maybe some pressure needs to be put on them.

gogojack111 karma

My question regards breaking the cycle of abuse. My ex-wife was abused physically by her father, verbally by her mother, and by her ex boyfriend (you name it, he did it to her). It appears we've broken the cycle with our daughter - she is fiercely independent - but what steps could one take in a similar situation to make a clean break with an abusive past and not pass it on to the next generation of the family?


erinpizzey124 karma

That's a very good question!

I think the most important thing for those of us who were born into abusive families is to seek help to integrate the damage that was done... for example, I ask people who've come to me to recognize that we all internalize our parents. Part of the gift for every human being is that they retain the gifts from their parents, and evict the damage. Once you manage to do that, teach yourself that the past is truly the past, it is done and you cannot change it, all it is is a loop in your brain that needs to be closed down so that you can move forward. Because those patterns are deep within you, it takes a lot of hard work, but in the end you FORGIVE YOURSELF and you FORGIVE YOUR PARENTS and move on.

erinpizzey102 karma

To go back to that... if I had not gone through what I went through as an abused child, like I wrote in my book "Infernal Child," I could never have done the work that I do. I would never have opened the first refuge, and understood the roots of violence. I gave my experiences as an abused child a PhD in suffering, and I chose, I hope, to use it wisely. Then, the suffering becomes the fruit, something positive. Use it as a learning experience and draw wisdom from it.

Cakesmite60 karma

What do you think about "big red"?`

Edit: If you don't know who she is.

erinpizzey139 karma

Men in white coats should have been called.

That's what I call "orgasmic rage," she's getting off on it. It's sad.

okwajo52 karma


erinpizzey53 karma

Good on you, you're exactly right.

When I lived in Santa Fe there were big reservations in New Mexico, and many of the women came to see me about creating a Native American women's "shelter" as you call them (we call them refuges). We talked a lot about the respect for the elders in their community and the loss of the concept of venerating the elderly.

Years later I lived and worked in Italy. The few cases of domestic violence in our village caused me to find the grandmothers of the families and put it in their hands. It was so much more efficient and humane than calling in the police. Families were still strong, and very united, and the abuser would have to face the victim's family, be they men or women.

TheStarkReality51 karma

I've heard that you once said you never considered yourself a feminist because of the abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother. I also know about how women can be just as vicious as men, but still consider myself a feminist, on the grounds that if women want equal rights for all genders, this includes advances in men's rights - that, or women can accept reduced rights. Do you think that it's appropriate to call oneself a feminist, or do you think that label has too much of a tarnish? Moreover, do you think it's fair to judge feminism (or masculism) as a movement based on the actions of some of those claiming the label? Finally, what's your opinion on the use of "privilege" in arguments concerning equality recently? From where I stand, it seems like a disguised discrimination used to exclude people from the discussion.

erinpizzey152 karma

I considered myself a feminist for 5 minutes, until I was in the first huge collective where there were about 500 women who stood on platforms one after the other and vowed that the two things that they would do was to make marriage an unsafe place for women and children, and the second, to make men dispensible. The new family unit would be mother and children. And they have succeeded.

I have sometimes called myself an equity feminist but mostly I don't because of what's become of this movement... because the movement was never about equity.

I realized that feminism was not a women's movement.

Hopefully, within the next few years, I hope we can find a title that can represent both women and men.

As for the label "Feminist," if you're going to call yourself a feminist and you're not going to stand up to and denounce these hateful people who have done, and are still doing, so much damage, then you are a part of the problem.

I think the answer to that "privilege" bit is that never in the history of the world have men been so unprivileged, if you think about it.

drakeblood445 karma

Isn't that in a way more indicative of the fact that feminists as a group (and, indeed, men's rights advocates as a group) have a large enough body of subgroups within them that the term has become essentially meaningless?

erinpizzey57 karma


MrShadowfax4249 karma

Hi Erin,

On one of your previous videos that I watched (I forget which exact one, perhaps the videoconfra with Warren Farrell), you discussed MGTOW (men going their own way) and I believe you characterised it as having the mindset of "run to the hills" from men, and how it was sad that men were "giving up" at the first sign of a problem.

This sat uncomfortably with me as I have always seen MGTOW as more akin to "voting with your feet", bearing similarities with hunger strikes and other non-violent protests.

I have three questions for you:

1) Have you considered MGTOW in the context of a "protest" or "strike" and if not, does it change your opinion on it?

2) If the alternative to "running to the hills" is engaging in relationships/marriage with women, is it possible for a man to protect himself from the potential risks involved?

3) If your answer to the above is "NO", what course of action can you recommend, other than remaining single and actively working to change the marriage/DV laws? Or do you think that men should just take the plunge anyway with all of the risks so involved?


erinpizzey78 karma

1) It was many years ago I was talking to a very eligible bachelor, who was a lawyer, and asked him about American feminists. He laughed and he said "what they never banked on was that men would get together and take to the hills." This is where that expression comes from. He and his male friends would get together and have a wonderful time, they did not make permanent relationships with women, because they realized they would have too much to lose: their homes, their children, and their money. I always remember this. When 40 year old feminists complain that they can't find any men to commit themselves, why is it men's fault? I can't blame men who feel this way in today's legal environment. If the so-called women's movement, the feminists, want men, they have to care equally about men's desires and men's need for protection.

2) No. It's sad, very sad. It has to change. Video cameras, logs, these can help but.. I don't know. The laws and culture must change. And I think one of the major problems that non-violent people don't understand is that damaged people generally want to love and be loved, but they don't know how to make relationships because relationships is something you learn from your parenting... and we have had these damaged people writing our laws and training our police and courts and causing the war and making the war worse.

3) I think you have to rethink your own relationships and how you make them because out there are wonderful happy good women, and men. But there's no doubting men in general must be particularly careful, because they have so much more to lose under the present situation. Read and learn and educate!

MightyGreen42 karma

Hello Erin.

My question is this. It seems like there is such a chasm between many men and women today on the topic of equality and who's being discriminated about what, how do you think we can move forward as a society and repair this?

Most of what I have seen in the last few years is just angry yelling from one side to the other. Everyone seems incredibly entrenched and unwilling to budge. How do you think we can get people of both genders to come together?

erinpizzey73 karma

I certainly think - and this is why I work for A Voice for Men - which is probably the most forward-thinking and the best platform for those of us who want to end the war, to support men and women. I almost think, rather like South Africa, and Apartheid, we can see traces of this in the Gender War.

What we need to recognize is that actually the Gender War was declared by the feminists in the late 60s and 70s to create a billion dollar industry that would ringfence a huge amount of money i.e. a billion for VAWA alone, by excluding men.

If I had to suggest, I might suggest something like Desmund Tutu and others' "Truth and Reconciliation Commission" after Apartheid to help men's and women's leaders come together.

Imnotmrabut37 karma

Hi Erin – and Thanks for doing this. I have been an admirer of your dogged clarity for many years.

I'd like to hear your views on several things. I'm not sure if you want to focus more on you DV work or wider issues. I'll put each one in follow in a section below to help keep things tidy.

Imnotmrabut39 karma

Number 2 – What oppressive language have you come across?

“Oppressive Language” and “Anti-Oppressive Practices” were Vogue back in the 1970's/80's. When you have a Cult there will be special language. In Scientology they use SP “Suppressive Person” to create an enemy and activate the Victim and Fight reactions. Language gets turned in to modern day Shibboleths so you can tell who is with you and who not. Rape Culture has been used that way recently by Feminism – and the word rape in general has been used that way. What language have you seen being used to indoctrinate people and control them, and what should people look out for?

erinpizzey101 karma

In the early 70s the banners were "all men are rapists" "all men are bastards" - Susan Brownmiller said all men consciously use rape to intimidate all women -- but since then all the language from feminists towards men has been derogatory. The attitude towards men defined by the likes of Harriet Harman our former Women's Minister (and still a Member of Parliament) said that men were not necessarily harmonious to family life. We were told back in the day that to make love to a man was "sleeping with the enemy." Nowadays you could have called this movement a hate movement, because the outpouring of hatred and vitriol was so abusive.

Words like "rape culture" and "patriarchy" and "privilege" that they like to use, none of these words mean anything. Or rather they mean whatever they want them to mean whenever they want to. There is no rape culture, that's rubbish, "patriarchy" is a load of rubbish. What is a patriarch, it means father, right? Matriarch means mother. The point I want to make is, 'rape culture' doesn't mean anything, both men and women rape each other, and that's a fact, and women rape women, I've dealt with many cases.

Imnotmrabut36 karma

Number 1 – Is feminism a cult?

I have to say, for me feminism displays al the behaviours of a cult. Using the B.I.T.E. Model it controls Behaviour, Information, Thinking and Emotions. The whole issue of Undue Influence and people joining in because they believe it will make them appear a better person and also provide instant sisterliness and group membership, it's significant. If you do things the right way, you are a good feminist. If you don't, it allows the feminist cult members to detect you and cast you out. Ex-feminists also have the same pattern of recovery as cult members. It's spooky. Do you see feminism as a cult, and what are the most cult like elements of feminism, that you have encountered?

erinpizzey80 karma

Standing on the stage and arguing in the early 70s I reminded the women that movements based in hate will inevitably annihilate themselves. One of the early mantras of the feminist movement was to make the personal political. Therefore, those women who had bitter and violent experiences of the first male their lives (e.g. their father) then branded all men as violent and dangerous. They are also what I call the walking wounded. As far as I'm concerned the prominent feminists of the day virtually all had appalling relationships with their fathers. So if feminism grew out of a justified sense of grievance, and created a platform where they did not attempt to heal their own damage, but to project onto all men... so yes it's very cultlike that way. But it's any cult group that works that way, they all have either a figure they adore or a hate object that keeps them together. And their hate is against men, even when they deny it.

Imnotmrabut33 karma

Number 3 – Is Feminism Racist or even worse?

I'm unhappy with Junior league Feminists who just swallow what they are told Hook Line and Stinker. I've been and still am researching the origins of the term Rape Culture, and it keeps being traced back to the work of Prisoners Against Rape (Lorton Prison Virginia) and the DC Rape Crisis Centre – it all started in 1972-3, and how that Inspired the film “Rape Culture” YouTube. Even Blackwell Encyclopedia of Sociology gets the time and connections right, but Feminists, some claiming Academic Status and writing on Huffy post, just ignore the truth. If it's pointed out to them they get Very Huffy and run away. I've even received death threats and been told I have somehow forged history and made it all up – most notably by a supposed academic – here's My Response to Prof Fuckwit!

It was all the work of Black African Americans. But they have just been brushed out of History and even reality with what seems to be a very racist and sexist brush loaded with White Wash. I keep finding so many examples of racism, sexism, homophobia and negation of other people to serve the great Feminism icon. It is troubling to me. What is your take on how feminism deals in equality and even human rights and negating other people? I am I just being too sensitive, or is there a real issue?

erinpizzey62 karma

I think it could be called racist. From the early days the feminists were mostly privileged white women. The interesting thing too is that in those early days you never saw any black or asian women, it was almost all upper class white women, and also women professors fighting to get tenure and filling the halls. The notion that "women's oppression" is the same thing as what black people went through in the American south with slavery or in South Africa with Apartheid... it's not at all right to make such comparisons. Men have always had privileges and obligations, women have always have privileges and obligations... and what of the way they act as if black men have oppressed black women, asian men have oppressed asian women... isn't that a terribly racist thing to say?

What's really underneath this all is the effort by feminist academics and politicians to keep control of the money. It's not about helping anybody.

phySi029 karma

Thank you!

As a man, it is sometimes hard to be taken seriously, since there is the easy dismissal of, "you can't see past your privilege!". How can I make the irony of this sentence obvious to a woman who says it?

Basically, how can I raise my credibility as a man to other women? Is that even a good idea?

erinpizzey56 karma

The actual irony of this situation is there is nothing more privileged than white middle class women, who are most of feminists. Very very privileged, because they know when they are born that either the state or a man will take care of them if they do not choose their own career. Men on the other hand are born underprivileged, particularly now, even as small boys they are demonized and discriminated against.

Boys are made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails and girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice... we raise the boys and girls to internalize this, the boys are raised to think of themselves as dangerous, inferior... many teachers don't even want to work with boys... later on these boys know they have to make something of themselves. I cannot see how sane sensible educated intelligent woman can consider that men are privileged. It has always been rich and middle class women who have been protected, and they are the truly privileged.

Personally, I don't get into arguments with mental patients, which is what most feminist women are. Look at them with pity and compassion if you can, speak the truth as you know it.

But if you want a real reaction, pat her on the head and tell her not to worry her pretty little head about it. That's what I do! I think men have to start using their sense of humor as a weapon. You must get past any sense of anger when you do such things though!

xXToYeDXx29 karma

Hello Erin.

I have been in several psychologically abusive relationships in the past among various other psychologically traumatic experiences. Between cheating, sexual manipulation, the threat of relationships or friendship ending being held over my head constantly to schoolyard bullying on a daily basis while being vilified by faculty and punished for daring to ask for help.

So far I have dealt with all of it by pushing it all to the back of my mind and focusing on other things, escapist video gaming being the primary. I somehow think that with a bit of closure it should be easier, but I've never been lucky enough to have closure for anything. It may be hard to believe, but it's true. I have never had closure for anything.

What sort of advice would you have for someone such as myself on dealing with all of these experiences without going completely mad?

That's always been my biggest fear and the reason I've pushed everything so far back.

erinpizzey37 karma

My advice to people in your situation is, it's discipline, but, sit down and write your own memoir. It is extremely cathartic.

What upsets me is that you've never obviously found a counselor or even a close friend who can help you. Freud gave us the unconscious, my work is to take each human being by the hand, go back to the very earliest memory, and then we walk through the attic of your mind, and put the pain step by step through your life to rest.

You CAN, as you say, ignore it, but if you do that you will be sitting on so much primary pain you will never find peace. You have to examine your life, it's part of the purpose of being here. What you will come up with are your jewels, the things you learned that were useful, and otherwise leave it behind. It's like diamonds that come from the crush of the rock, which is what's happened to you. Find those diamonds, get out of the loop.

What you're probably suffering from is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, that is what happens to the abused. I would hope you could find a decent therapist, I really do, though that can be dicey because good ones are few and far between, many are charlatans or feminist-trained. But do some some research, and reading! And seek out friends you can trust, they are in your life if you look.

pcarvious24 karma

Hi Erin,

Thank you for helping start the shelter movement.

What advice do you have for men and women seeking shelter in DV situations? Also, what surprised you most about how the shelter movement has changed over the years?

erinpizzey22 karma

There are I think around a thousand refuges around America. And in most other places. For women and children. Since governments refuse to recognize that abused men exist or matter, there are at least a few agencies that will try to help men, I mentioned them earlier, SAVE Services, Mankind Initiative, Family of Men with Earl Silverman, but all are desperately underfunded. There's nowhere near enough protection for men.. it's horrible, I don't know how to help men except to educate what can happen and try to help whatever groups there are that are trying to help men.

Fibonacci3581324 karma

What are your thoughts on the idea that feminism is a sexist movement in that it tries for gender equality by focusing on one gender?

erinpizzey49 karma

It was never trying for equality. We have to remember it was almost always about creating a women's empire, ringfencing the millions, and in America's case billions of dollars, to create jobs for the girls, and it has been done, it is already in existence, no men can work in refuges, no boys after the age of 12 can go into the refuges, they are unaccountable, there's no accounting for all that money, which comes from taxpayers.

It's relying on men's instincts to protect women, and women's instincts, and it's not rational at all.

kawaiigardiner23 karma


erinpizzey41 karma

Yes I do see, don't you? It's coming? It's very much the Generation X and Y who are... many children who are generation X and Y had parents who tore themselves up in marriage and in partnerships, unable to cope with the gender war. These are the children who are the wounded warriors.

Drapetomania22 karma

What do you believe to be the motivation of feminists that insist that "misandry" isn't real and that woman-on-man rape or violence isn't a "thing?"

erinpizzey30 karma

I would refer them to the Oxford Dictionary of the English language because unfortunately they're not educated. I would then refer them to the nearest mental hospital for treatment for their delusions. Women do beat men, women do rape men, women do rape each other, and they do all this to children. Not all women, just like not all men.

truthjusticeca19 karma

Thank you for doing this AMA and thanks to Dean for being your typist.

I want to discuss policy issues, since you are AVfM policy advisor.

Scenario: A man is being battered by his wife and she is using the child as a human shield. What should he do?

Bad advice #1: He should leave the home.

In a situation without children this would be the best advice, to leave and never look back. Unfortunately, in this situation the man must deal with the issue of abandoning his children to the abusive woman. IF he leaves, he is showing that he does not consider her to be a danger to the child and that will be enough evidence for social workers. That may be the case, but not always and it’s not an easy decision to be made with such callous disregard (eg. Dean and Kristina) for the concern about the child’s safety and the child’s future upbringing under the full control of the abusive mother. Even if the mother is not physically abusive to the child, the child will learn those abusive behaviors from the mother and her future relationships.

Bad advice #2: He should call the police

Unless there is some clear physical evidence to support his claims, she will likely make the accusation of being the true victim in her defense. Very likely, he will be either arrested or forced to leave the home. I’m in agreement with Trudy Schuett on this one, do not call the police unless your life is immediate danger.

Bad advice #3: Continue taking the beatings until he has enough bruises and blood to provide unequivocal evidence that can not be ignored or excused by police and social workers.

erinpizzey38 karma

His first fear is that if he calls the police, she will have him arrested. I think the first step is he should actually leave and report the matter to the social services. Now I don't know about it in America but I know in Canada the social services are totally biased against men. He would be in a horribly dangerous situation and he's really between a rock and a hard place but at this point the child would be screaming in fear, unless she is a danger to the child he has to de-escalate and perhaps wait overnight until she has calmed down.

You are right that there are no easy answers but a hysterical woman clutching a child, you can't wrestle the child out of her arms and you can't call the police and if you leave she will most likely calm down because you're the target of her rage not the child. But the best thing if you can is to get video and make sure the video is dated then go to a lawyer.

Her rage is going to be cyclical so he'll probably have several opportunities to take videos. And that works, or I've seen it work.

CedarWolf16 karma

As a genderqueer person, I often find myself wishing that Feminists and MRAs would work together for the common good. Meanwhile, I often get the impression that neither side really cares much about those of us caught in the middle. This is kind of funny because in ancient cultures, genderqueer people were valued precisely because they could bridge the gap between male and female and act as mediators between both groups.

In your lifetime, you've seen domestic abuse and gender politics from a variety of perspectives, and you've seen both movements sprout and grow. What advice can you offer for the people who may not have an established camp to cling to?

erinpizzey34 karma

Most important thing for every human being is to be able to stand alone. You cannot become a sentient human being until you understand yourself, and don't use relationships to fill your damaged holes.

What I've seen so far of the "MRAs" or Men's Human Rights Activists is that while some are radical and angry and can't get over their own damage, most do not hate women, which is why they aren't the same as the feminists. Over at A Voice for Men there are transexual and gay writers, they are not vilified, in fact vilifying them is not tolerated. On the other hand if you look many feminists will not even allow transgender or gays in their movement, OR, they go crazy and demand ONLY lesbians in their movement.

You might want to look at the March 2013 Men's Rights Internet Statement and see if it makes sense to you. YOu can find that here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tF-iRj0zNo and http://www.avoiceformen.com/mens-rights/mens-rights-march-2013-internet-statement/ and if you can agree with most that then perhaps among those who feel the same you can find friends. I think you will. But otherwise, be your own person.

kevinwayne8 karma

Hello Erin,

Thanks for agreeing to this open Q & A.

I am collecting information on the topic of False Rape and False Abuse/Violence accusations, and I would like to know if you've done/know of any solid research on the matter. It seems to me that very little empirical research has been done on this topic, and what little does exist the Feminists try to belittle or argue out of existence. Any thoughts or information you have on this would be helpful. Thanks.

erinpizzey22 karma

I know of very little... actually... I don't know of any detailed studies that are trustworthy of rape itself, or of false allegations. At the moment, it's open season for men to be subjected to false claims of both rape and domestic violence, and sexual abuse of children (which may be the most horrifying... in Canada they call blaming a man for sexually abusing his children a "silver bullet" because that destroys him utterly and he'll never see his children again because he has to prove himself innocent). It's a horror, it's a travesty, we all have to work to change it, because the governments do not take this seriously enough to fund proper research!

Mr_Rivers5 karma

Hi Erin, thank you for all your work for men and women over the years. You are somewhat of a role model of mine.

As a young man in university, I have often found myself heavily outnumbered in my rejection of feminism due to their lack of advocacy of men's rights. Many of the seminars I attend are full of feminists, and I disagree with many of the concepts they share about my subject and the world in general, as I feel they are based around an unfair feminist agenda. I am often the only (vocal) man in the room, and subjects such as genital mutilation and domestic violence are incredibly one-sided arguments. In your experience, is debate and discussion with these people actually worth my time? I often feel very disheartened when faced with such animosity, and I am really questioning whether anything I say even registers in their minds. Is it worth trying to change their minds? Do you think it will do any good?

erinpizzey10 karma

You know one abiding thing I find in these women no matter what country I go to is that they have no sense of humor! In the early days we were not allowed to use perfume or deoderant and I remember remarking to a very large crowd of women "is it politic to smell?" Which they did. Nobody laughed--and it was a bloody hot summer too!

erinpizzey10 karma

Actually no I don't think it will do any good... well actually... it's a deep question.

I'm amazed your still alive! There've been times when I have tried to stand up and it was only about ten years ago that I was asked to go to Vancouver with Senator Ann Cools and we arrived with a very radical feminist group threatening to bomb the venue, so the place was crawling with police. That is not a happy platform with those kind of threats.

They're not going to listen to you because in their orgasmic rage and hatred, men are the focus, which is why most of the time they don't even want you in there. So they can enjoy their fantasies of hate. And let's not talk about the men enable this sort of behavior!

Next time, try getting you and your friends dressed in white coats with big red crosses, take up a whole row of seats, and see what happens. Don't forget to bring your cameras! Because it's all so silly and so outrageously stupid, when a whole group of extremely earnest, disturbed women militantly take power like this. Otherwise I recommend starting men's groups! And invite women but don't let them take it over!

LaudanumByron5 karma

Erin, I very much admire your ability to speak to both men & women in a way both of them can hear & relate to, without watering down your intent or dressing it up as something it isn't. Do you have any suggestions as to how others can go about doing this? And also,do you have any thoughts on what the MHRM can do to not end up repeating the mistakes of feminism?

erinpizzey16 karma

Wasn't Byron the great lover? Lovely poetry. Great lover of women actually. But anyway...

My suggestion is, read my books! Particularly "Prone to Violence" and "This Way To The Revolution." My philosophy is that you have to learn to love the unlovable, which is what we are when we have been badly abused as children. And to remember that you can only love people better... there is nothing you can do to help violent and abused people that is punishment, punishment doesn't work, punishment doesn't care and it can't love.

To speak the truth bluntly and openly without offending is hard but if you have processed your anger, and don't let anger by behind your words, but the truth as you see it, and forgive those who get angry and don't let them get your goat, don't insult them, just say the truth that you know, this will help.

For the Men's Human Rights Movement: be true to yourselves, because feminists certainly did not do that. Do not blame women, do not hate, be yourselves, and love one another. I once said to a group of men that "if I asked you to build me a house you'd have it done in 24 hours, but if I asked you to love one another you'd look at me as if I was insane." Learn to love and accept each other. And don't fall into hate and especially competition, you men compete to your own detriment sometimes. But otherwise cling fiercely to fact not feeling whenever you can.