Thanks for doing me a real solid Reddit. I'm 'Diamond' Joe Biden and I'll be answering your questions today beginning at 2 PM Central/3 PM Eastern to celebrate today's release of my new autobiography The President of Vice, a hot-shit Kindle Single published by The Onion.

You are welcome to ask me anything about the book, how to round up tail and make them wail, my Trans Am, things you can make into a pipe, Barack, or where we can hook up later if you're a smokin' hot mamacita.

I'm fairly hammered right now so I'll try to answer as many of your questions as I can before I pass out. I don't know what other crap I'm supposed to type here. Please buy this book or some real rough dudes are gonna hurt Joe real bad. Until then, grab a brewski and enjoy the ride.

To verify that I am real person, a tweet from my publisher @TheOnion

UPDATE: Got plenty of digits from the Reddit Ladies. A whole lotta poon prospects from this AMA. Shit, I'd love to stay and chat longer, but I gots to split. Please buy my book, I still really need the dough.

Until next time, enjoy this.

–Diamond Joe Biden

Comments: 827 • Responses: 66  • Date: 

amateurguru1166 karma

Question from real Joe Biden:

Edit: adding the text for those ones with no access to Twitter:

@VP: Q for @reddit AMA with my @TheOnion pal: A Trans-Am? Ever look under the hood of a Corvette? #imavetteguy –VP

Diamond_Joe_Biden676 karma

Dear imavetteguy,

Those glorified Camaros aint good for nothing but smokin' the tires.

Diamond Joe

Diamond_Joe_Biden1049 karma

What's reddit gold? Is that how you pay for r/gonewild? Cause I'm enjoying the shit out of the free trial period.

Diamond_Joe_Biden688 karma

Hey hombres, I'm rock hard and ready to do this thing. Seriously, I don't think my pants can hold this monster much longer.

Diamond_Joe_Biden659 karma

Thanks for all the upskirts everyone. On a serious note, Ol' Joe is thinking about his legacy and needs to start working on his V.P. Library. I'm planning to have an extensive collection of amateur girlfriend pics.

If you got 'em, send 'em to:

1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC 20500

e30fern515 karma

Airplanes have the "Mile High Club". What is having sex on a DC-bound Amtrak train called?

Diamond_Joe_Biden1922 karma

My daily commute ;)

Platypussy483 karma

Hey Diamond, thanks for doing this. What's the best way to hide an erection in a kimono?

Diamond_Joe_Biden1454 karma

Just stick it in there. I guarantee that she won't mind at all.

Diamond_Joe_Biden339 karma

I can't find any nude celebrity galleries anywhere around here.

Diamond_Joe_Biden306 karma

Anyone got some nudie pics from reddit they can post here? I need material for my spank bank.

LordCake151 karma



Klarthy140 karma

...Looks like this AMA is now over. (From his posting history, he did take a 10 minute "break")

Diamond_Joe_Biden348 karma

Naw man, I'm still here. Just got distracted by gonewild.

TinzIsTinz306 karma

If you had to give one piece of life advice to a 5-year-old, what would it be?

Diamond_Joe_Biden1229 karma

Get some teenage tail while it's still legal for you.

Isuspectnargles285 karma

Would you rather shag one Adele-sized Mila Kunis, or 100 Mila Kunis-sized Adeles?

Diamond_Joe_Biden467 karma

I'd be grinning ear to ear if either of them were sitting on my lincoln log. Both are sexy as hell.

PopularScyence253 karma

you vs. Putin, Thunderdome rules- who wins and how?

Diamond_Joe_Biden637 karma

Putin. Jesus fucking christ, that guy is scary. I don't want to go within twenty miles of that dome.

e30fern230 karma

Where did you get the nickname "Diamond"?

Diamond_Joe_Biden721 karma

That one came from the ladies. See Ol' Joe's dick can cut through just about anything.

brettjonesdev229 karma

What's the most amazing way you've ever opened a beer bottle?

Diamond_Joe_Biden604 karma

On a bouncer's skull. Coulda gotten in a lot of trouble for that one but fortunately I gave a fake ID earlier.

e30fern228 karma

Kill, Fuck, or Marry:

Rachel McAdams, Emma Stone, or Leslie Knope

Diamond_Joe_Biden883 karma

Diamond Joe doesn't kill women, he just leaves em sore and wantin' more. And I'm already married.

So fuck all three. Yeah, that's a cop out but it's the answer you're getting.

chatterbooox220 karma

If you could unilaterally pass any law and you wouldn't have to face any public repercussions, what would it be?

Diamond_Joe_Biden1017 karma

I've been buggin' the FCC for years to allow full penetration on network television.

londubh2010192 karma

Boxers or briefs?

Diamond_Joe_Biden726 karma

None of the above.

IAmA_ADULT_AMA190 karma

In a recent Supreme Court ruling of United States vs. Bormes, The Court characterized the Little Tucker Act as merely "gap-filling" and, therefore, superseded when a statute authorizing a claim for damages set forth its own specific enforcement procedures, as did the FCRA. My question is this, could you bang Sonia Sotomayor unconscious?

Diamond_Joe_Biden202 karma

This is a great question and i'd love to answer it, but I've been busy as hell getting ready for all this inauguration shit. My buddy Blaze hooked me up with some killer bud so I'm planning on getting super baked.

It's kind of a hassle that I have to wake up so early for the ceremony, but I never turn down the opportunity to be that close to justice Sotomayor.

Sunshine_Hipster182 karma

What is the best place in the White House to "Five Knuckle Shuffle?"

Diamond_Joe_Biden438 karma

Plenty of great spots to release the tension, but I prefer to rub one out up on the White House roof.

pablozamoras179 karma

Joe, just thought I'd let you know that my sister is pregnant.

Diamond_Joe_Biden531 karma

I'm pretty sure I pulled out just in time. I always do.

Frajer178 karma

I want to get laid on an Amtrak train, how would you suggest I go about doing that?

Diamond_Joe_Biden827 karma

Just walk up to the señorita of your choice, introduce yourself with confidence, and compliment her tits. Works every time.

Also, what's Rampart? One of my interns said I should mention that and it'd get a good response on Reddit.

astartledgrandpa176 karma

What was your longest sober streak?

Diamond_Joe_Biden673 karma

The amount of time between chugs.

chass3174 karma

Yo, Diamond Joe, where does Barry keep his stash? is it in the nuclear codes briefcase? please tell me it's in the nuclear codes briefcase.

Diamond_Joe_Biden383 karma

Barracuda's a close bud of mine, but a little too clean to have his own stash. In my autobiography I talk about the first time I got him high.

bloodwrage163 karma

What do you think is the biggest thing you've accomplished in your career?

Diamond_Joe_Biden774 karma

I once stole an entire pallet of Bud Light Lime from the back of an idling truck.

J-Goo162 karma

Loved your cameo on Parks & Rec. You've already said you won't marry or kill, but if you had to pick one to fuck: Amy Poehler, Rashida Jones, Aubrey Plaza, or Retta?

Diamond_Joe_Biden425 karma

Well, I guess I'd pick all four of them again. If you catch my drift.

Brocktoon_in_a_jar158 karma

How did you maintain your cool and manage not to put Paul Ryan in a rear naked choke hold during the debate?

Diamond_Joe_Biden438 karma

Centre College is a sweet joint, kickass ragers and plenty of peaches to nibble on. I don't want to get banned from there. I saved it for the parking lot.

iamaredditer154 karma

Have you banged Michelle in the Lincoln bedroom?

Diamond_Joe_Biden600 karma

That woman has snapped bigger men than me in half. If can keep this on the down low, she's the one foxy lady that terrifies Diamond Joe

ethnolog148 karma

Hey Diamond Joe,

I never knew my dad, and my mom, who's now deceased, would only tell me that he was a prominent Delaware politician with presidential aspirations and a passion for blasting Whitesnake 8 tracks in his tricked out muscle car. She also told me he likes to shoot dice in the alleys behind Wilmington convenience stores, and that he gave her a fake phone number and lied about having a condom on.

Anyway, I was born in 1987. Since you were active in Delaware politics around then, I thought you might know somebody by that description. Anything you might remember helps! Anyway, god bless.

Diamond_Joe_Biden300 karma

Kid, I know exactly who your daddy is. The late Delaware Senator William V. Roth, Jr.

That sounds exactly like something that shitheel would do.

cook82291138 karma

Yo Joe I just scored a shitload of beers from a dumpster but my Bonneville broke down. Can I trade you some loot for a lift?

Diamond_Joe_Biden374 karma

I gotta do this bullshit Reddit thing later today, but I'll swing by in right after.

SingForMeBitches120 karma

When you're workin' on your car, listenin' to the game on the radio, what are you drinking, Miller or Bud?

Diamond_Joe_Biden456 karma

Depends what's on sale at Giant Eagle.

worldrace107 karma

Palin or Bachmann?

Diamond_Joe_Biden347 karma

Now, I'd sure like to get under the hood of both members of the Grand Old Poon party.

dragongrrl89 karma

hey, wanna give a lady a drive in that sweet-lookin' ride?

Diamond_Joe_Biden166 karma

If you're going my way better hang on my stick shift for your dear life.

botanyisfun86 karma

Diamond Joe, how is Janna Ryan in the sack?

Diamond_Joe_Biden251 karma

4/10, would bang again but only if there's slim pickings otherwise.

Spoonsy85 karma

What's this we're hearing about you being a Corvette guy?

Diamond_Joe_Biden218 karma

I might be wiggin' out a little right now, but I think there's some imposter out there spreading bad shit about me. I'll tell ya right now, whatever they say nothing can come between me and my Zam.

sam208583 karma

Did you pick up any Spanish in Mexico?

Diamond_Joe_Biden379 karma

I picked up some little Spanish critters in a Tijuana cathouse, but I shaved down there and they split.

easybinder83 karma

Do you remember what it was like to poop without a phone?

Diamond_Joe_Biden232 karma

I wish I could afford a cell phone, those data charges are real asshole rippers though. I usually just read an issue of Oui on the can.

SuperButros77 karma

If you could sleep with any First Lady, who would it be?

Diamond_Joe_Biden284 karma

Martha Washington. A guy like Big G could have tapped any woman he wanted in the 13 colonies and picked her. I'm inclined to follow his lead.

a_in_pa76 karma

Thanks for taking the time Diamond Joe. What is your favorite type of lube? Sorry if this is a repeat question. Thanks again.

Diamond_Joe_Biden247 karma

The bathroom soap in the National Portrait Galley works wonders, and the price can't be beat.

Randompaul74 karma

Who is your favorite Pro-Wrestler?

Diamond_Joe_Biden292 karma


jsully70 karma

Most embarrassing blackout story?

Diamond_Joe_Biden259 karma

Man, I wish I could remember that shit. I bet it was fucking awesome though.

grahamdavis57 karma

What's your best Amtrak story?

Diamond_Joe_Biden199 karma

Oh man, this one time the train stopped suddenly and I spilled a coors all over my lap. The dining car guy gave me a replacement brew-ha and a free egg salad sandwich to apologize. That was sweet.

BluePolitico56 karma

Joe, I met you in Scranton last August. I just want to know, exactly how much do you love Scranton?

Diamond_Joe_Biden252 karma

Candi, is that you? I know I still owe you 100 bucks for the 2nd half hour, I'll get it to you as soon as my book royalties get me out of the red.

AlabasterWaterJug48 karma

Who's your favorite Vice President in history?

Diamond_Joe_Biden197 karma

Cheney. I owe him big time for the fully built sex dungeon that greeted me when I moved into One Observatory Circle. It woulda taken forever to install a swing like that, and he left plenty of handcuffs and toys and stuff too.

TaylorLessThan347 karma

Hey Diamond Joe, I gotta hear the craziest thing you ever woke up next to and what you drank to get there. Then I'm going to do it.

Diamond_Joe_Biden188 karma

Mei Xiang the panda, at the National Zoo. And you probably guessed, Cuervo and lots of it.

Yaranna40 karma

You got me pregnant Joe... I just wanted you to know I'm keeping the baby.

Diamond_Joe_Biden195 karma

I know more than one Yaranna. What's your last name?

whiskeysli40 karma

I know where you stand on beer. My good sir, what is your whiskey of choice?

Diamond_Joe_Biden158 karma

Getting into Balcones stuff. It's American made and smooth as a Brazilian taint.

LeMadnessofKingHippo37 karma

Why'd you cut off the ponytail brah?

Diamond_Joe_Biden127 karma

Sometimes, the only way you can get the baby batter out of your locks is by chopping 'em off.

socalscribe37 karma

How much does your chance of being laid increase when Van Halen's 1984 is played in the b.g.?

Diamond_Joe_Biden97 karma

I don't need to take chances, cuz it's damn near always a sure thing. But nothing wrong with some sweet tuneage playing while a lady is romancing the bone

touchthemonolith37 karma

Diamond Joe:

Who is more fun to party with, the House or the Senate?

Diamond_Joe_Biden249 karma

That's like asking what feels better on your dick, sandpaper or sandpaper covered in shit.

caseyc4337 karma

What thoughts were going through your mind when gun control was first brought up to your attention after the sandy hook elementary school shooting? How did it affect you decisions

Diamond_Joe_Biden231 karma

Shits gotta change in this country, and fuck whatever the NRA says. I'm a proud gun owner. I call em' lefty and righty, and there's a fist at the end of each one. Only a pussy needs an actual gun to settle his business. I studied snake style kung fu with Shaolin monks at a Taoist temple in the Wudang mountains, so my hands are lethal assault weapons. And worst case, I keep a tire iron beneath the front seat of my Trans Am. That said, guns are fucking awesome for sport and I love taking my AR-15 to shoot beer cans in the Rose Garden. But I'd give it up to keep our kids safe.

Seikoholic36 karma

Hey Uncle Joe

If a hypothetical situation I'd been working on went south, does running for the border actually work?

Diamond_Joe_Biden94 karma

Depends how far north you are and how fast are your wheels.

FriendOfTheGophers34 karma

Two questions:

1) In your honest opinion, what, if any, impact will recent crises in the United States have on the socio-economic climate, both at domestic and international levels?

2) Wanna buy some E?

Diamond_Joe_Biden100 karma

1)This great country is seriously strapped for cash. But it's like when you're selling weed, you can't make in moolah unless you spend some cash. I've been telling those dildos in Congress that the U.S. of Fucking A needs to borrow some dough and invest in some dank bugs.

Also, I've thinking about installing some mirrors on the debt ceiling then the nation can feat their eyes while Joe takes the economy to pound town.

The truth is I need to lay low until all this crisis shit blows over. Sound's like Barry's department anyway.

What the hell question am I answering again?

2) Hell yeah. You take credit cards?

drawingdead029 karma

I wanna hear your best sex story. Graphic details.

Diamond_Joe_Biden158 karma

Gotta buy the book for that one pal, Joe doesn't stay buzzed and baked on karma alone.

kgmoome24 karma

Are you still taking questions?

Diamond_Joe_Biden95 karma

Yes. Too bad you asked me this though, this was probably your one shot to get wisdom from Papa Biden and you blew it.

statusbro18 karma

Now that liz warren's bin sworn in you gonna spend some extra time presidin over the senate?

Diamond_Joe_Biden77 karma

Wish I could tap that, but Warren's a cold fish. She just wants to talk about boring stuff like reforming credit cards and banks and shit.

Strormageddon17 karma

Hey big Joe. Is the White House beer better than normal beer?

Diamond_Joe_Biden42 karma

As long as it's cold and being poured down my throat, a brewha is a brewha.

AlabasterWaterJug17 karma

Besides yourself, which Cabinet member parties the hardest?

Diamond_Joe_Biden56 karma

Steven Chu is loaded from his Nobel prize money. He has a killer stereo system in his house, great for blasting jams.

SubcommanderShran14 karma

Favorite American rock band from 1970-1989?

Diamond_Joe_Biden28 karma

Right now, I gotta go with Whitesnake. I'd love to get Tawny Kitaen writhing around on my hood.

TheStigsWife13 karma

Yo Diamond J,

How did that poor bastard Patraeus get busted? Where did he go wrong? What tips do you have for aspiring adulterers around the world?

Diamond_Joe_Biden27 karma

You go showing off your nutsack too often and sooner or later people are going to recognize you.

Ever get a load of Poontraeus' wife, old helmet head. That guy went all right with Paula "Sweet Knockers" Broadwell.

Jill rarely finds out about who I get down and dirty with unless she walks in on me tongue deep in a tight little honey.

AlabasterWaterJug12 karma

What made the Summer of '87 such an important time in your life?

Diamond_Joe_Biden29 karma

The doobage was dank, the babeage was bodacious, and the tuneage featured bad-ass shredding that was a bountiful 20-course feast for the ears.

atcoughlin12 karma

diamond, how did you score a first-class babe like Dr. Jill?

Diamond_Joe_Biden44 karma

Two in the pink, one in the stink, and the rest is history.

mrpoopistan10 karma

The biker chick from the campaign photo: be honest, didjya?

Diamond_Joe_Biden50 karma

Now Joe don't kiss and tell and even if he did, you wouldn't hear what he was saying cuz he'd be so deep in that muff

readcommentbackwards9 karma

Would you rather fight 50 duck sized horses, or 1 horse sized duck?

Diamond_Joe_Biden103 karma

are those real things???? if I answer this question do I have to fight those things, because those both freak me the fuck out. I want no part of this shit.

jrizzi8 karma

Mr Vice President you're a Catholic. What's your reaction to the Manti Te'o/Notre Dame controversy?

Diamond_Joe_Biden41 karma

I'd definitely be down for bonin' that dude's fake girlfriend.

gradeahonky7 karma

I've got to cook a meal to impress a date; Biden, I need your help.

Diamond_Joe_Biden29 karma

Just take her to Popeye's, that shit's delicious. Their biscuits can get you into any lady's biscuit.

fuckkarmaimchristian5 karma

wat do you hope will be your trademark piece of legislation during your presidency?

Diamond_Joe_Biden26 karma

Whoah, man. Where the fuck am I? Is it 2016 already? Shit last time I looked it was still 2009