I am Aziz Ansari. Comedian/actor. Thanks for having me again. AMA.

Hey sorry I left abruptly, was using wifi on a plane and we landed. I'm back now. Sturgeon25 still no word for Rashida but I let her know you were interested.

You think you could hook me up with Rashida Jones?

Yeah I'll text her that sturgeon25 is DOWN.

Just wanted to say I love doing these things. You all ask better questions than almost all regular interviews.

What does Nick Offerman smell like? This is important.

This is true. He smells like cappucinos or something cause he uses these lozenges to stop smoking. It's kind of warm and comforting. He also eats a lot of bacon and does woodwork stuff just like Ron Swanson. He's the best.

Aziz for SNL! Any interest in hosting?

I really would love to. Hopefully it'll happen soon.

Can you get Harris to do an AMA?

Holy shit that's a good idea. I'll ask. He's super lazy though. He'd probably rather sit around crushing people at Scramble with Friends and eating Chobani strawberry yogurt.

What if you gathered a list of questions to ask him, randomly ask him said questions over the course over anywhere where between a day and many year, while carefully documenting his responses, and then post the aforementioned responses after you have gathered a sufficient amount?

That's a good plan.

Tell him he's living his life wrong. Best Chobani flavor is by far Black Cherry.

and Scramble with Friends is so last week. It's all about Draw Something.

DUDE EVERYONE KEEPS GETTING ON ME BOUT DRAW SOMETHING, I JUST GOT MY SCRAMBLE ON DAMN!

I really want to play Harris at Scramble now. Even if I get beat, I'll just giggle thinking of a chubby Indian kid on the other side slamming down strawberry yogurt and all will be good.

Dude is so good. Like 800-1000/round average.

My question is how do Harris and Darwish feel about all these jokes you do about them? How do their parents feel? I mean... I have a t-shirt with Harris' face on it.

Also, love your work man. You're one of my favorite comedians

Hahaha I forgot I made those shirts. They are supportive. I have a crazy of photo of Darwish getting a cheek kiss from two girls while wearing a Darwish shirt on Halloween. It's amazing.

This would be the time where you would post that picture on the internet.

I'll check if Darwish is cool with it

In real life, do you call chicken parm "chicky chicky parm parm"? Please say yes.

No but I do say sammys.

Shit. I actually gotta go now. Thanks for all your questions. We'll do it again soon? Also thanks to everyone that bought the special. I'll work on getting Harris to do an AMA, if you all plant those fake Dangerously Delicious torrents with either Jingle All the Way or Rampart.

If you were able to write yourself into the next season of Breaking Bad, who would your character be?

Oh my god. Great question. Maybe Tuco's lil' nephew? Or Saul's intern?

Where does Obamas shoutout rank on your list of accomplishments?

That's up there. I can't believe that happened.

The last celebrity that did an AMA on reddit wound up naked and masturbating in public. How do you plan on topping him?

WHOA IS THAT TRUE?? He did??? I got a lot to live up to. Maybe Stugeon45 dared him to do it?

I can't stop reading all of his replies in his voice.

Whaaaaaaaaaaat hahahaha

When did you decide to go with the 5 dollar stand up on your website?

I recorded the special in June and paid for it myself, knowing I wanted to release it online. A few months later I was with Louis CK watching his special while he edited and he told me his plan. I wasn't sure if it would work. It clearly did. People loved that method and immediately I was asked if I would do it so, it seemed like a smart move.

I just bought it, I had only heard of you, never watched your comedy but 1) the clip was funny 2) it's 5 bucks 3) I fucking love this new model and hope it catches on.

As someone who has pirated a lot, if you give me an opportunity to buy something whenever I want for a fair price I will pay for it!

Thanks for doing it! I hope it's really profitable for you!

Edit: Its for it's. Surprised nobody has pitchforked me yet!

Wow that's awesome. My one worry was that I'd just be preaching to the choir with this type of release, but I'm glad you found it and grabbed it. Thanks so much.

What happened to Human Giant?

We did two seasons, they asked for a third, but we decided to move on to other projects. I hope you enjoyed it.

Human Giant was one of my favorite things that MTV ever put out.

Wow thanks, I'm glad you liked it.

Hi Aziz Ansari!! Huge, huge fan. Tell us a bit about how it felt to see the President of the United States of America not only talking about you, but teasing you about your Twitter follower count? That just sounds like it would be the most surreal moment ever.

Edit: Link to video for the curious.

It was insane. I'm going to talk about it on Fallon next Wednesday, I'll tell the whole story.

How much of your personality is incorporated into Tom Haverford?

We both love hip hop and suits. And are small bearded Indian men.

Not a question, but I bought your special and it's hilarious. Thanks for releasing it the right way.

Thanks so much!!!!!!

Tell us a funny story about Amy Poehler.

She's randomly happens to be sitting next to me on this plane. For real! We haven't spoken a word.

How likely is it that we can smoke together at Bonnaroo?

I'll run around shouting "IS JAKEDOWNS ANYWHERE HERE? I'M READY TO SMOKE WITH YOU!!! IT'S ME AZIZ!" Keep ya ears open.

What's on your personal Oh No No list?

Rudeness. A propensity to commit hate crimes.

How are your $5 sales doing?

Also, why are your suits in Parks & Recreation always too large? Is it a new fashion trend we're not aware of or not?

Good. Its been really fun and interesting.

What are your thoughts about Rampart

Man Woody Harrelson really fucked himself here huh??!

How close is the Parks cast? Any awesome stories you can share?

We are very close. Amy is actually sitting next to me on this flight I'm on. They just showed the bowling episode of Parks. Very weird!

best brunch place in NYC??

I really like Five Points for brunch.

What do you make of today’s news that R. Kelly is officially coming out with a new “Trapped in the Closet” DVD? (http://pitchfork.com/news/45867-r-kellys-trapped-in-the-closet-returns/)

WHAT???!

How do you feel about Donald Glover's career, careers I should say, as a rapper, comedian and actor?

Donald is a friend from back in UCB-NY days and he's a really nice dude. I wish him continued success.

You never really talk about your time on Scrubs. Was that meant to be a more permanent role with their new cast? I loved Big Ed.

Yeah Ed got abruptly fired because I hard to start work on Parks and Recreation. It was a lot of fun. Bill Lawrence and everyone there are really nice.

Why did you put out your new special in .MOV? :(.. and why no RAAAANNNNDDDYYY? Are you over that character?

I told em to switch it to .mp4 after reading some comments on Twitter and stuff. Randy I just did when I was filming Funny People and felt I did all I wanted to do with him for now.

That's awesome! Please ask them to re-encode the .mp4 from the source instead of simply changing the container from .mov --> .mp4 as the quality of the video in the .mov was not great at all, it had quite a bit of pixelation and video noise/artifacts throughout, way more than a 1.6GB file at 720p should have.

Ok I forwarded that to the team. Any other thoughts/ideas?

Come back to Montreal, plz?

Dude Montreal has the tastiest food, of course I'm coming back. The dates haven't been announced but trust they're coming.

What would you have done if the comedy thing didn't pan out?

I don't know, probably just be a fat Indian man that eats a lot of food and lives at home.

What happened to Randy?

he died eating a girl out underwater.

Yep.

What is your favorite book?

I don't have a favorite. I finally read Outliers and really enjoyed that. Also Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

What are some of the new shows that Harris is watching?

Pretty sure he's watching Suits and White Collar. I love there's 2 USA shows with vague titles based on clothing. Leather Belt, Thurs at 10/9c on USA.

Hello Mr. Ansari! I'm a big fan of your work. I first discovered you through your episode of Flight of the Conchords and have since followed you through projects. My question to you is which of these projects has been the most personally rewarding to you and why? Thank you sir!

Doing standup comedy is the most rewarding, but I love the other stuff too.

Dude! What's your favorite spot to eat in LA?

I really like Ricky's Fish Tacos and Guisados right now.

Is there one routine that has become your “Free Bird”, in that everywhere you go people request to hear it, and you just don’t enjoy doing it anymore?

I always do new material when I do a new tour. In Dangerously Delicious I do give an update on Harris which people seemed to appreciate.

Favorite part of your career to date?

Releasing this special directly to fans has been pretty cool. Performing at Carnegie Hall in NYC. First time I did Letterman.

Favorite comedians?

Hannibal Buress, Chelsea Peretti, Doug Stanhope, Louis CK, Patrice O'Neal (check out Mr. P, the bit about bread is so funny)

Could you describe your "first big break" into the world of comedy? Also, you are phenomenal.

I don't know if there was a real "big break," it was just a bunch of years of working on stuff leading to bigger projects. But maybe Human Giant on MTV if I had to pick one?

Why were you not in town for SXSW? Don't you miss Torchy's Tacos!?!

I'm coming to Austin for the Moontower Festival in April. I'll definitely take down some Torchy's.

Tom's singing to Ann in Parks n' Rec recently seemed to really win her over. Are there any smooth RnB jams you'd recommend to win over that special someone?

Boys to Men - On Bended Knee Seal - Kissed by a Rose

We know you love fish tacos, but how do you feel about shrimp tacos?

Personally, I am in favor of them.

Dude Ricky's in LA makes a mean shrimp taco. I'm in favor.

Do you think you'll ever become so successful you'll no longer do stand-up, or do you view stand-up as a necessary part of your career?

I love standup and hope to do it when I'm old as fuck. Its the best.

Has Harris revised his college essay?

I think he sent something even stranger in about playing Halo but I couldn't turn it into a standup bit. It was just fucking weird. He goes to NYU now.

Loved Dangerously Delicious! Really hoping to see an animated GIF of the sign language for "jizz everywhere" sometime soon!

Oh man, tweet me a GIF, I'll post it.

What kind of music do you listen to lately?

I like Beach House a lot and am anticipating there new album!

I met you at SXSW 2011 and you talked with me for a little bit. It was totally awesome. Does it get annoying getting stopped by fans, being asked for autographs, etc?

People are always super nice for the most part. I don't mind. If I'm in a hurry and need to get moving, people are usually pretty understanding.

On Parks and Rec we've seen bloopers of you guys doing "fun runs" where you just take a joke whereever you can.

Have there been any episodes in season 4 where you added your own joke to a scene that made it to final cut?

Yeah there's a lot of random jokes but hard to remember. Most of the stuff is the writers. I did write most of that R&B song I sing to Anne. They always give me a lot of leeway with the "singing bits."

Have you ever had sex with a Pharaoh?

No but I once delicately placed a pussy inside a sarcophagus.

Hey man, I'm a one shot wonder Indian comedian who just sort of gave up on comedy and joined the Marines instead. I was wondering if I could just ride your coat tails or be your stunt double or something. I want to be the Aziz to your Kanye.

There is a dire lack of Indian stuntmen. I always get white guys that have to get browned up with makeup.

Was your decision to do the special and sell it directly online pretty immediate after seeing the success of Louis CK's? Was it any more difficult to put it together than going through traditional means?

Do you own any furniture, canoes, etc. made by Nick Offerman?

Yes it was my decision. I funded the special myself and shot it last June with the goal of releasing it online. Louis found a great way to do it and since it was so successfull and well liked, it seemed like the best route.

What are the first 5 songs I would hear coming from your own DJ Roomba?

Drake - The Motto Meek Mill - I'm a Boss Jay Z - Can I Live? French Montana - Shot Caller (Remix with Diddy version) The Throne - I Love You So

What was your favorite meal in the last few months? I know you love food, which one really stood out and where was it?

Cochon in New Orleans. Rabbit and dumplings???!?! ARE YOU SERIOUS!!

How do you deal with shitty crowds during your standup set? Do you just plow through and hope that the awesomeness of your set will win 'em over or do you start fucking with the crowd?

99.99% of the crowds are awesome. There's usually like 3 or 4 idiots who aren't even heckling (which doesn't really happen) but they just yell nonsense (example in Miami a dude just randomly yelled "Cocaine!" for no reason), but those people eventually stop most of the time.