I am James Veitch, mediocre prop comedian ＆ professional golfer. One day I decided to start replying to email scammers, and I put the funny and often weird exchanges in my new book DOT CON. Ask me anything! (except stuff I find embarrassing or isn...

Hey James Veitch I was stopped on a plane once during a layover in El Salvador by someone who thought I was you. My middle name is James so when he asked 'James?' I said yes for some reason and he proceeded to confuse me and other passengers around by talking about my funny scammer stuff. While stopped in El Salvador.

I thought I'd better pass this compliment along as it doesn't belong to me and is rightfully your property.

Holy SHIT BALLS I was in Dubai and this guy yelled “Karl” and I was like wtf? And then he was like “Kristmas Karl” and I was still like “wt actual f” and then he said “Khristmas_Karl” and he actually SAID the underscore so then I realised he thought I was you and he then proceeded to bang on about all your equivocating about your Tiaguan 2013 Treadline and how cool your sourdough was and, tbh, I didn’t have the heart to tell him and to this day he still thinks he met you.

Am I LITERALLY HAVING TO RELOAD THE PAGE for more comments?

You can switch to show posts as LIVE instead of BEST under your intro text.

Hero.

But can we get a toaster with each reload?

what kind?

Hey James. What happened to all those ducks from your apartment?

they are upstairs in a bag in my bedroom taking up space

OK EVERYONE my publishers say I've "put in a solid hour" and I really need an Aperol Spritz if i'm being completely honest. I shall pop on here again and answer follow up questions I expect because - again, candour - I conflate attention with love. Please buy my book because it's ̶a̶n̶ ̶i̶m̶p̶o̶r̶t̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶p̶i̶e̶c̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶l̶i̶t̶e̶r̶a̶t̶u̶r̶e̶ um just buy it plse.

What does it take to snag a date with a man such as yourself?

just bring maltezers

Hi James! Thanks for taking the time to do this. I have a few questions, feel free to answer any or none:
a) How long did you spend rehearsing every line of the TED / presentation style bits you did?
b) When answering the scammers / supermarkets / swimming pool companies, did you reply already thinking about what would be funniest for your stand-up?
c) When stuttering, how much of it is for comedic effect and how much is unintended e.g. because of nervousism?

Thanks!

You're super welcome; and I want you to know I was in no way coerced into doing this by the publishers who are publishing my book which has a few new scams in it from the one before.

I'm gonna use your a, b, c thing but I don't like it one bit.

a) I mean I was performing it at gigs way before the talk so, I don't know, I'd probs performed it about 50 times before then. Honed it down into a polished gem; that's what I do. If you hone something into a polished gem you basically don't have to think creatively again.

b) yes and no. I find when I think about it too much I get tight and tightness is the opposite of what you want when trying to be funny. What I'm saying is you want to be loose. I could have said that far more succinctly but you don't understand what it's like; I'm playing animal crossing and I am having significant problems with diagonal bridges.

c) Ok. Nervousism? I let another guy above get away with "proposterous" but nervousism? Basically, it's not really stuttering; my family does a lot of it. It's like keeping on saying things until the right thing comes out. My sister's called Hannah and, to this day, my mother will say "H'James" bc she was going to say Hannah. I don't know what i'm saying so let me clarify;

I have always spoken like this; I've discovered, though, that allowing it to happen in certain places is funnier than others. Often times it works really well with the slides because I am deliberately preventing myself from saying the thing that I'm meant to be saying so that people are forced to read it for themselves rather than hearing it from me. So I basically heighten it sometimes but I'm always buffering.

Unless you think it's comedic genius in which case it's entirely contrived.

What's your ratio for started sentences to finished sentences? 🤣

probably fifteen to

The real question is how do you find all these emails to reply to? Some of us want a share in the fun

Yeah... my spam box is empty.

I've had the same email address for probs 15 years so that helps. alTHOUGH I also have loads of fake accounts and they also get spam so, basically, make a fake email address and then when the person at the checkout asks you whether you have an email address for "marketing," give them that one.

What are you proud of, but never have an excuse to talk about?

I mean I've been ignoring this question because each time I see it I think I must be able to come up with something less infantile than the thing I want to say and each time I come back to it I realise that, no, I just want to say something incredibly childish that I will find slightly amusing. So I guess I'm probably a bit proud of the fact that I haven't come on here and just written my huge sceptre or whatever because that was 100% what I wanted to come on and say. Stay humble.

what do most people think when they find out you reply to spam emails?

"oh there's this guy on TED who did just that"

Are you open to dating an American? Willing to move to London and can provide the malteezers mentioned in another comment.

Hands off! 😂

I feel we could do a solid half hour unscripted series about this.

When/how did you decide that you want to become a comedian? Love all the stuff you've done so far?

I believe I was not loved enough as a child.

That explains the the why but not the how...

Oh yeah. I was going to reply to this seriously and then forgot and then got a phone call. I don’t know why I told you all that.

answering this bc I always liked to know other comedians’ origin stories when I wanted to be a comedian.

I always wanted to be a comedian. Since I was very young, I don’t know how young but I do know that it was young enough that I would say “chameleon” and my mum would correct me but by the time she’d done that I’d already blended into the furniture.

Anyway, it took me forever to work up the confidence to try it. When I say forever; I did my first standup gig when I was 29. Most comedians are gigging before university and then all the way through university. I did not. But I really really really wanted to be on stage being funny. People would sometimes say “oh you’re really funny you should be a comedian” and my reaction was always one of dismay; a sinking feeling because I wanted to and every time someone said it, it just made me feel so sad that I hadn’t had the courage to pursue it.

Anyway; I ended up doing it. And it meant dragging my friends along to gigs where I did five minute sets to 11 people at a quarter to midnight on a Tuesday in the downstairs of pubs and not being funny for a while and then being ok and then getting a bit better.

I could say loads about this and I still struggle with confidence basically, guys, basically I’m saying follow your dreams. Or don’t. Tbh it’s a lot safer if you don’t. And most people who think they are funny are not, in actual fact, funny. So I think, upon reflection, best to just let it rest and just do something else that guarantees an ok wage and leave it at that. Do not follow your dreams. Bc it’s better to be working for a pay check than waiting to win the looooooooott—-eerrrrryyyy eeee eeeee eeeee

Buy my book.

Do you still reply to spam, or was that only for the duration of the initial experiments?

I do occasionally. But mostly I got bored of it. I mean for the book. The book. Btw have I mentioned I have a book? It's really great and I think the publishers are on here so I just want to say they're awesome and you should all buy at least six copies of it. Anyway. Let me find one recently; hang on.

Wait, can I literally not upload a picture here?

Don't give me markdown I want a big fat upload button.

OK here's one I was replying to recently; I got an email from Oxfam:

for the LOVE OF GOD HOW DO I EMBED AN IMAGE?

OK here's a thing I was doing. I've cropped out my "fake" name bc I have to stop using it if people find it out. You wouldn't believe the number of people emailing me PRETENDING to be SCAMMERS.

​

https://imgur.com/a/O9a4l0q

You can't!

oh

Use the Apollo Client on iOS.

Edit: Yay! An own badge :)

Oh I do. But faster to use my mac for this.

How are you?

bit lost tbh

James you are a refreshing act in the crowded market of British comedy. I've loved everything you've done so far, and Lockdown the Game was spot on.

My question is, what do you have planned going forwards? Do you want to do standup or TV or Internet videos or something else?

I mean "planned?" I basically follow my bliss; I go where the wind takes me or my agent tells me to go. I basically am in financial peril and need cash quick. I'll do adverts, television. What I want to get across to you is that I have zero integrity.

Hi James.

Where did you get your giant duck from? I might want to, um, get one. You know. For the bathroom. And to annoy the wife.

I used the internet to find it. I don't think I'll ever say "the wife."

Do you actually play golf ?

I've been to a driving range once and the instructor watched my "form" and said "we might make a golfer of you yet." I have not been back but, with that sort of praise, do I need to?

When is your comedy special coming out?

V soon I'm told. HBO max. I mean I ask this very same question all the time. Soon. I mean I've pretty much forgotten I've done it btw.

What about us UK peasants who can't get HBO max?

“In negotiations”

Hey James! With all due respect. Do you have any day job or is this your job? Btw, I love your stuff man! Been a fan since that Ted Talk. ❤️❤️

If someone says with all due respect you know the next thing they say is not going to reflect well upon you

Hello James, any chance of more James' Tech Review videos?
Also, my friend JP is a big fan, can you please tell him to check if his tomatos are ripe yet (he'll understand)?

Yeah. I want to do them but I need to have an idea first. I mean, yes, put me in front of a camera and I'll mess around but i've yet to find a video editor who has the same sort of comic thing I have. btw I had about 7 million sentences go through my head just then but they all were pretentious "yeah i've yet to find an editor who has the same aesthetic as I have" what a dick

Anyway so I just mean that it requires lots of time for me editing which is to say that I'm insanely lazy and if i film something I have to edit it so the idea had best be good.

Hi James,

I think I heard somewhere you started your career working in the Genius lab of an Appel store, or something like that.

Did you already know then that you wanted to be a comedian ? And while still working for Apple, were you already doing some comedy or anything related ?

Yup. I was working there in New York and doing open mic gigs sometimes in the evenings and then, when I came back to London, I was working in the covent garden store and began gigging more and more. I have a big soft spot for the place and the people I worked with.

I was always trying to do funny things at Apple; mainly for my colleagues. I was on the genius bar and probably once every few days I'd have a loud phonecall with Steve Jobs; "Steve, yeah? This guy wants to know when the iPhone 5 will come out. Should I tell him? etc etc.

:)

Hang on are you my cousin?

Regarding that proposterous lock down board game you came up with: Did you plan to do a board game some time, or did you just decide to put something together quickly, based on the circumstances? It seems really polished for something so recent!

I was at my friend Charley’s and I’d brought this game called “Agricola” with me which I wanted to play and I had heard it was good but, after dinner, when I got it out and tried to work out the rules to teach everyone, I was not able to. Tbh the wine had not helped. I pulled up YouTube tutorials and they were all insanely complicated. Anyway, never did end up playing it but I had a to do in my phone since then that just said.. hang on I’ll find it .. ok I can’t find it. Maybe I ticked it off the list. Anyway it said something like “make a boardgame tutorial but incomprehensible” so that was what I was thinking about. It was going to be a tutorial for a ridiculous game.

And then when COVID-19 and LD happened I realised that I had bought ages ago a boardgame called Pandemic but it was for two to four players which I think was shortsighted. So I began to think what a boardgame that was actually bout what it was like during a pandemic would be like. And that’s what became lockdown.

Another question... what's that thing with Mister T. ? Are you genuinely a fan ?

Na. But I bought a copy of his auto-biography in that lovely book store near union square in new york. And it makes me laugh.

I disagree - what you do is important in the bigger scheme of things. There must be a big venn diagram crossover between people who fall for email scams and those that are currently falling for other misinformation.

How do you respond, irl, to subtle things like 5G=covid or “masks are tyranny” or “WHO is evil” “Gates is mindcontrol” etc etc. Sincerely a healthcare worker who wants to know wtf people are thinking?!

I mean, I've been making sure Im only using 4G but I don't think anyone who wrote My Generation could be called evil.

Hey James, thanks for taking the time to do this AMA.

My question is: What’s your favorite part about what you do?

It's being able to stay grounded so I can talk to all the little people like you guys

I will ask the only real question that matters... How many ducks are enough ducks?

the ducks?

Hi James! How is your character in Stardew Valley doing? Is he still alive? And the cow?

I mean I've sort of moved on but one day, perhaps, Jam Jam Farm farm will live

Hi James! You're an amazing comedian and one of the funniest I've ever seen!

Is that computer programming sending Dan from SafeMart case numbers still running to this day? And if so, what number is the case number up to now?

I mean probably a zillion zillion by now. I like to think those two computer programs will be talking to each other until the heat death.

Hi James, what happened to “I’d melt my brain for your love” and the entire project in general?

Formerly Visible; a musical of science and adolescence.

I was writing a musical for a while; had a bunch of songs. I had another one about the pre-raphaelites. The thing is that I only work really well when I'm around people and inspired so I think I stopped working on it because it was just me, you know? Perhaps I'll pick it up again.

I've seen multiple of your bits. Are they real?

All real. I mean I'll say this; for every one (let's say: scam) that you see there were about 15 that didn't make the cut. The scammer stopped replying or they had their email account shut down. Or it just wasn't funny enough.

Then there's the fact that I sometimes combined 2 scams into one for expedience.

​

And regarding my other material, I mean there are SO MANY THINGS that I do that don't make it or I don't show or do but only once. I have a folder called material with about 60 folders in it; each one was an idea that i'm either currently working on or did a bit on and stopped and may return to.

I think I was at a WIP show that devolved into letting the audience dive through your folders. 1) You have a lot of weird shit on your mac. 2) I have never laughed so hard in my life.

Super glad!

Thanks for being here :)

1. What has been the starting idea which led to SuperHyperLiteral?

2. After the pandemic, are you considering an Europe tour with your program?

3. Did you have any luck regarding your Ex-GF? :/

4. Will formats like "James' Tech Reviev" or "Stardew Valley" be continued and did you already finalize your work on new content?

Greetings from Germany. Stay healthy!

i) It began as a silly title for a parody of a documentary by Adam Curtis. Then I just wanted to make a mockumentary and then I figured if you're going to make a mockumentary why not do it with some style.

ii) I will go anywhere that pays me.

iii) obvs not.

iv) I have a show I premiered in Adelaide of new material and I did four shows of it before I was sent home. So I sort of have new stuff. But now I think I probs need to work on more online stuff.

obvs not

F

But now I think I probs need to work on more online stuff.

Better plan for the next two years then, as Corona won’t go away anytime soon. But we'll support you - as always.

Thanks for answering thou. It’s a lot of fun watching your content or just reading your twitter feed after being torn apart.

Have a great evening. Until we meet again...

F

...did you just comment on your own AMA on another account?

I did not but that's not a bad shout. But what comment makes you think I did. If it's sycophantic it could be the publishers of my book which I haven't mentioned in a while but it's nice and hardback and it has me on the front and I pushed back on the design until they began to hate me and then I sort of just relaxed and let it go and we really need to sell as many copies of this as is possible.

What do you enjoy doing outside of work?

Btw, your lockdown game made me laugh so much, I'm also not isolating with a partner or family and I choose the hammock perspective :D

I am v much looking forward to escaping from reality for a bit with upcoming game The Last of Us 2 which is about a deadly virus that sweeps the globe.

Also, I play music and I just bought tap dancing shoes.

Same here, it’s all a matter of perspective... and sin of course ;p

lots of that.

Pineapple on pizza. An offense to the senses, or socially acceptable?

How long do I need to do this AMA for?

What was it like touring with Conan O’Brien?

Really frustrating. Do you know that he has this routine before every gig where he makes all of us stand in front of him and we have to literally tell him our best joke and then he sort of parades in front of us (he calls this the C-shuffle) and decides which one he’s going to take for his own. He does this every gig. So whomever has had their bit taken by Conan has to write another bit just as good for the next day because during the Shuffle, if he doesn’t think your best bit is good enough, you have to ride to the next gig in the boot/trunk of the car. We’re not allowed to talk about it and, as far as I know, I’m the first person to speak out.

More superhyperliteral?

Probs not.

Which comedians and/or what types of comedy make you laugh the most? In what ways have they influenced you, and if they haven't really, then what or who has?

Name some and I'll tell you whether they influenced me. I can't think of any when the pressures on.

What was your first stand-up gig?

At grad school in the USA. A very nice crowd.

What is your favorite tea to drink? Also, are you still single?

Builders. Yes.

Would you consider moving to the US for your career ?

I sort of like London.

My 9 year old son and I are fans! We especially loved the duck routine, how much did all those ducks cost?

I mean not a lot; they're small. It was more the time!

Hey James! Love your new quarantine game! How long did it take for you to put it together?

I mean it genuinely isn't put together; but I spent ages coming up with the ideas. It was going to be more about the political stuff initially until I told my friends Charley and Max about it and they didn't laugh at those bits. These were notes I made on the initial game which was going to be about global response.

https://imgur.com/XllC3tT

Hi James,

Love your work. Here's a question not directly pertaining to your work. How long did your episode of 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown take to film? Also been curious about the approximate time it takes to film an episode.

Again, love you work.

We rehearsed for four days but only filmed for six so it was a quick shoot.

Mate! You're funny as hell. First thing I ever saw of yours was about the ducks. Absolute legend!

So my question to you is about British humour. I find that some of the best comedians are the ones who are very subtle and natural with their delivery. America seems to lean more towards openly outward delivery with their jokes.

Seeing as you've had gigs in America, is it more difficult to engage an audience because your comedy style is not really the sort of thing they would gravitate towards?

I have a bigger following the states than I do in the UK I think. Go figure. I do have to change things but not as much as you might think.

Planning any vids with the Kaiser Chiefs?

Bloc Party are coming over.

What have you been up to? seems like you disappeared after the ducks.

This is what I call "good exposure" and it's exactly the sort of thing my agent takes 15% for bringing to the table.

Which actor/actress would you like to hire for an autobiographical movie?

I want to play my own kooky best friend

Hi! What was the last show you watched?

DEVS. Which was ok.

Ok, several questions just to get them all out at once:

• When did you start playing music?
• What is your favorite type of music to play? (I absolutely enjoy your "InstaJams," and you're literally the only person aside from Spaceman himself that I've ever seen play Spiritualized songs. ❤️ )
• What is you favorite geek fandom?

%) february

%%) I like 10CC

%%%) Spider-Man

Will there be a season 2 of your podcast?

There is a season 2, it started last week on Saturday and we will get a new episode once a week for I would believe another 6 weeks

what?!?!?! how did i not know that? well thats what i was here for. i guess ill go listen to his podcast thanks.

Oh yes. It began last weekend with an episode that's pretty just one long whine of me pining for my ex to which she responded with a text saying it was "lovely and sad." the next one I just finished and it's on on saturday and then on podcasting apps. It's about Mind Reading and then the one that I have not even begun editing yet is about Animal Crossing.

What was your motivation for the ducks? Was it purely for the potential bit or just because you’re cheeky and fun?

As with all my bits they just begin as things I find fun. I mean, perhaps that’s a little disingenuous. Lately I do think “oh that might be a good bit” but I try to stop myself. Anyway so the thing with the ducks was just because they had those boxes and I had no toiletries and THEN while I was getting my key cut (for the apartment I’d moved into), while I was waiting, I looked to my right and there was a packet of ducks for sale for a pound or something. And that’s what started it. I just thought it was funny.

People always ask whether my bits are real but there are always about ten thousand things that I do that I don’t put on stage or, at least, don’t make it to the stage. Obviously, this moment I’m struggling to think of one but, trust me, there are loads.

Are you touring South Florida any time after the pandemic lifts?

Obvs. [your current location] is super high up on my list of places to visit and I will see you in [colloquial name of you current location] soon! :)

Which email is your favorite?

the one called Keith.

Hey James, Im a big fan. What happened to the DayZ video you had planned? Any chance it might still happen now that the game is "finished" ?

Also, how much of your content (scam emails etc) is scripted from the start or at least altered like the DayZ video you had written?

Oh I did it. And I put it in a show? I'd upload it here but I've barely worked out how to do *italics*

I live in France, near Paris, and I'd love to take advantage of spending a week-end in London, to come to one of your shows. I think there's still a date to come in September, but it's not possible to buy a ticket when you live outside the British Islands, because: they only sell physical tickets !!! We're in 2020 for God's sake. To whom could I complain to ?

I mean tbh I don't think there are going to be any proper gigs for a while now; I can't see this ending soon. Though I really do want to do gigs.Who only sells physical tickets though? Who are you talking about?

It's a link that I've found on your website leading to: https://www.livenation.co.uk/artist/james-veitch-tickets

Oh yeah. That gig still hasn't been cancelled. I mean I expect my agent is hard at work on a vaccine right now just so I can do that one.

Scamalot season 2 when? Rubber duck season 2 when?

There was a season 2!

How have your epic pranks impacted your dating life?

in an epic fashion

I loved your piano and wine broadcast recently! Can you tell us more about the situation with the girl ❤️?

Na. I'm over her. I'm totally over her. Hey; where's that gif from friends when you need it?