First, let's get the proof out of the way. So, now, I am managing our company's largest store, and am swamped with managerial duties, training employees, and dealing with annoying vendors. But, I'm taking some time out for all of you guys.

There are lots of new, exciting things that have recently come out/are coming soon!

For those who NEED the most power, I've got just the Crack you need! Since we last talked, there are new bagless and cordless vacuums on the market, and some other exciting things.

So, on to's the copypasta.

First AMA

Second AMA

Last AMA

YouTube Channel Here's some basics to get you started:

  • Dollar for dollar, a bagged vacuum, when compared to a bagless, will almost always:

1) Perform better (Actual quality of cleaning).

2) Be in service for much longer.

3) Cost less to repair and maintain (Often including consumables).

4) Filter your air better.

Virtually every vacuum professional in the business chooses a bagged vacuum for their homes, because we know what quality is. Things you should do to maintain your vac, regularly:

1) Clear your brush roller/agitator of hair and fibers. Clear the bearing caps as well, if possible. (monthly)

2) Change your belts before they break. This is important to maintain proper tension against the agitator. (~ yearly for "stretch" belts)

3) Never use soap when washing any parts of your vacuum, including the outer bag, duct system, agitator, filters, etc. Soap attracts dirt, and is difficult to rinse away thoroughly.

  • Types of vacs:

1) Generally, canister vacs are quieter and more versatile than uprights are. They offer better filtration, long lifespans, and ease of use. They handle bare floors best, and work with rugs and carpets, as well.

2) Upright vacuums are used mostly for homes that are entirely carpeted. Many have very powerful motors, great accessories, and are available in a couple of different motor styles. Nothing cleans shag carpeting like the right upright.

3) Bagless vacs are available in a few different styles. They rely on filters and a variety of aerodynamic methods to separate the dirt from the air. In general, these machines do not clean or filter as well as bagged vacuums. They suffer from a loss of suction, and tend to clog repeatedly, if the filters are not cleaned or replaced often.

4) Bagged vacuums use a disposable bag to collect debris, which acts as your primary filter, before the air reaches the motor, and is replaced when you fill it. Because this first filter is changed, regularly, bagged vacuums tend to provide stronger, more consistent suction.

My last, best piece of advice is to approach a vacuum, like any appliance; Budget for the best one you can get. Buy one with idea you will maintain it, and use it for many years. And, for the love of Dog, do not buy from late-night infomercials or door-to-door salesmen! Stay out of the big-box stores, and visit your local professional who actually knows what they're talking about.

Comments: 3335 • Responses: 42  • Date: 

MattBaster1192 karma

Did you see this clever comic by u/lolnein?

touchmyfuckingcoffee674 karma

Thanks! I hadn't seen that before. I chuckled audibly.

shadowsizzler1040 karma

What are your thoughts on Roombas??

And have you ever had to fix one?

touchmyfuckingcoffee1600 karma

I think they're okay for doing light cleaning throughout the week, between regular deep vacuuming (assuming carpeting). I think Neato and Miele robots are better systems than Roomba.

I worked on an early model Roomba and it felt like a crap product. They've since made their machines into modular systems that the consumer can diagnose and replace components easily, so I don't see them come into the shop so much.

kaganos481 karma

I just bought the Roomba 960 for the wife. We have a very large single floor home with refinished hardwood floors. I tested it out on the tile at work yesterday and it seems to do a reasonable job. I think letting it run constantly will keep the floors looking cleaner longer, especially with a small pet (we have a 19lbs dog). I hope I didn't drop $600 for nothing.

touchmyfuckingcoffee632 karma

I hope it serves you well for a good, long time.

TuckerMouse829 karma

How do you suggest cleaning out the hose? I have a vacuum with an accordian hose and a wife who routinely vacuums up wet things that should have been cleaned up by other methods.
For everyone that inevitably tells me to fix the wife problem, I have tried, and that would still leave me with my dirty hose that had build up from when it got wet then was used on more dry things.

touchmyfuckingcoffee904 karma

Soak it in vinegar overnight, then rinse it out with just water with a hose sprayer or something. Set it out in the sun to dry completely.

Easy Fix.

cbelt3797 karma

Why in God’s name do they still sell that stupid carpet powder stuff ? Every vacuum I’ve ever cleaned that saw it was just clogged with that crap.

touchmyfuckingcoffee748 karma


Aquinas26313 karma

I work as a repair technician for a goodwill type organization in Europe, my job is to test and repair pretty much everything in your kitchen/living room. I pretty much learn on the job with some courses on the side, so I have a lot to learn. Vacuum cleaners come in all the time, and usually the 'fixes' we do is simply cleaning out the filters and replacing a bag if needed. If there's an actual defect chances are it is too time-intensive to fix, as we do need to make 'some' money.

Have any general tips that could help me salvage more of them rather than forfeiting them to recycling?

touchmyfuckingcoffee372 karma

Man, I don't know what your margins are like, but I can tell you that Youtube is a great recourse for repair tips. I go there when I've got a real odd ball that even my veteran techs in the company are stumped on.

Vanzai281 karma

What is the best Portable Vacuum to have in the car? I do Lyft and Uber and it would be nice to have something small in the trunk.

touchmyfuckingcoffee390 karma

You might like Dyson's V7 or V8 cordless stick vacs. They're pretty good for that kind of thing.

leeancheal273 karma

It seems like every time I buy a vacuum cleaner, they lose all suction within a week. My dirt devil just happened to have this problem. I tried cleaning out all the ports on it and still nothing, bad suction like all the other vacs I get. What's going on you think?

touchmyfuckingcoffee712 karma

You're buying shitty vacuums.

Seriously, spend more for a higher quality vacuum that has better performance. Also, I'm not saying you're a dirty person, but vacuuming at least once a week can help alleviate clogs.

Also, take your time vacuuming. Racing through the job can cause lots of debris to come rushing in and causing a blockage.

One last manually pick up any objects larger than dirt, dust, and hair to avoid those clogging your vac.

A1A5KA268 karma

I have 3 large dogs and 2 cats. What floor cleaning device do you suggest? I've murdered three different vacuums and am in need of advice.

touchmyfuckingcoffee418 karma

If you have a lot of carpeting, a carpet rake can be used prior to vacuuming to save on bags or having to empty dust bins as much.

Also, with that kind of heavy duty environment, you really should invest in a premium vacuum and then have it serviced regularly. You should also do monthly maintenance on your brush roller, to remove any built up hair on the brush and around the brush bearing end caps. This will greatly increase the lifespan of the brush roller and belts. Change your belts once a year.

A1A5KA124 karma

Thanks for the info! Top 3 recommended make/models?

touchmyfuckingcoffee310 karma

The top three brands in the US are Riccar, Miele, and Sebo. Not necessarily in that order. Obviously, with all three, the more you spend the more vacuum you're gonna get.

A1A5KA41 karma

Thank you

touchmyfuckingcoffee71 karma

You're welcome. I hope it was helpful.

abbarach208 karma

So based on your previous threads, I bought a Miele C3 cat/dog. Love the vacuum, but I'm a little confused about setting the height for the powerhead for our carpet.

Obviously too low and it's too hard to push around, and too high and it's not touching the carpet at all. But there seem to be two settings that "work" for each of our different carpets (we have carpeted rooms with a 3/4 inch pile, and then some rugs that are lower).

Is there any more accurate way to determine the ideal height? If there are two that seem to work, is it better to pick the higher or lower one? Am I just way-overthinking this?

touchmyfuckingcoffee424 karma

With every vacuum that has height adjustment there is only one proper procedure to determine the best height.

Always start on the highest setting and work it down just until it starts to vibrate the rug/carpet, an NO lower. This allows for ideal agitation in the fibers and airflow into the vacuum. Also, with your Miele, keep in mind that the ideal power settings are the rug settings whenever you're on carpeting.

Kaydotz20 karma

Oh shit, I've been doing the complete opposite! I thought that getting the bristles deeper in = deeper clean. 😫

touchmyfuckingcoffee33 karma

Exactly the opposite of what you intended. It wears out your vacuum and your carpet.

hugh_Jayness183 karma

My budget is $150.

Mostly laminate floors with a couple of thick rugs. No pets, couple of kids.

Which vacuum do you recommend?

touchmyfuckingcoffee518 karma

Anything under $200 is gonna be pure shit. The best bang for your buck @ $200 MSRP is Fuller Brush's Easy Made. It's a helluva lot of vacuum for the price and won't fall apart as fast as the shitty ones.

CoverYourSafeHand135 karma

Which one wins in a fight, a roomba or a Corgi? The Corgi has heterochromia if that affects the odds at all.

touchmyfuckingcoffee175 karma

I mean, Roombas are kinda cheaply built. I think a Corgi could take it.

ObscureReferenceMan127 karma

What are your thoughts on Simplicity? (Still good? Maintenance issues to be aware of? etc.) I got a Simplicity canister more than ten years ago, and love it. I think the only thing I've replaced on it was the hose.

touchmyfuckingcoffee227 karma

Simplicity is a very good brand. You might not know that Simplicity is Riccar's sister company and the two brand's vacuums are almost identical.

Flemtality105 karma

What are your feelings in regards to hard wood flooring/tile/linoleum?

touchmyfuckingcoffee345 karma

Bare floors are certainly cleaner than carpeting. Carpeting is the single filthiest thing in one's home.

45Monkey252 karma

Ugh, and the weirdest of people that have carpeting in their BATHROOM! How can anyone think that is ok? I can't even keep a bath mat in there...

touchmyfuckingcoffee315 karma

That is fucking disgusting! I actually have a customer with a carpeted kitchen for fuck's sake.

hbarSquared157 karma

I had an apartment with carpeted kitchen. Week 1 I dropped an egg, and from that day on I could never walk barefoot in my own kitchen for fear of what else was in there.

touchmyfuckingcoffee93 karma


throwawayproblems198102 karma

Who makes the good (see; not too f'ing expensive) shampoo vacuum cleaner?

Here in England, you can rent a "Rug Doctor" but no idea if they are any good or not.

touchmyfuckingcoffee217 karma

I don't recommend any consumer level shampooers. Hiring a professional with heated extraction is ideal, renting is better than nothing.

Emfuser69 karma

We've been pretty happy with Bissel's Big Green Clean Machine, but it's not as good as paying for heated extraction. I think a home unit is great to have for pet stains and kid stains when paying for professional cleaning every time is impractical.

touchmyfuckingcoffee98 karma

I agree. At least the Big Green is a decent machine. Just ALWAYS do a full rinse run after the shampoo run.

pienocake97 karma

What are your thoughts on built in vacuum systems for homes? I have a Miele vacuum that I love but will be building a home soon and some people are suggesting it would be a mistake not to get one built in. If I do go that route, what are the better brands?

touchmyfuckingcoffee174 karma

Central vac systems are great if you're building a home. That being said, because of the long, heavy hoses most systems use, just about everyone I know with a CV system also has a conventional vac because the don't enjoy lugging around the hoses.

pienocake39 karma

Brand suggestions? And yes, the suggestion was that if we do get a central vac that we get a hose for every floor (which makes me think we might as well get a vacuum for every floor if we do that).

touchmyfuckingcoffee90 karma

The only system I know well that is available today is by ProLine. They have systems big enough for just about any home.

The price to have a system installed, complete with a high-end power brush head is gonna cost roughly $1300-$2000.

SoManyWaysToDie69 karma

how did the vacuum cleaner cross the road?

touchmyfuckingcoffee400 karma

With a really aggressive agitator and a self-propelling transmission, I assume.

HillarysFloppyChode29 karma

I love an overly aggressive agitator, nothing is more funny to me then when my Riccar head for my CV hits a weird carpet and sounds like a wookie getting fucked by an oddly shaped cactus.

touchmyfuckingcoffee39 karma

This guys vacuums...

Th3Roman63 karma

Kirby vs dyson?

touchmyfuckingcoffee166 karma

Not a big fan of either. The Kirby lasts forever, but has shit filtration. The Dysons have shit airflow, choke on everything, and fall apart with ease.

Dr_Hotpants54 karma

We have a Rainbow (not my choice, husband bought it some years before we met) and I fucking hate it. I hate its big heavy dumbshit canister, I hate its stupidly short hoses, I hate dumping out carpet soup when I'm done with it. Given the option I'd happily fill the water reservoir with kerosene and light the bitch on fire.

Unfortunately, a quality vacuum isn't in the budget right now. Any tips on keeping this big dumb sonofabitch in good shape?

And thanks for doing another AMA! Never thought vacuum cleaners could be this interesting.

touchmyfuckingcoffee45 karma

Thank you for the kind words. I'm sorry about your Rainbow woes.

The best thing I can tell you to keep it in tip top shape is to always empty and set the bowl aside to dry when you finish vacuuming. Take off the separator and rinse it off every time. If the separator is caked with scale, soak it overnight in a cup of vinegar.

Wipe the motor gasket (the part that sits on the bowl) and keep it clean and supple.

Change your belt on the powerbrush nozzle once a year, and take the brush roller out once every month or two to check for hair around the bearing end caps.

Good luck.

Techwood11143 karma

Do you know the song from Once, "Broken Hearted Hoover-Fixer-Sucker Guy"? It is a gem. I hope you don't have a similar sad tale.

touchmyfuckingcoffee30 karma

That is a great song. I have a sad tale of my own.

KiNGMONiR25 karma

You're a legend!

Thoughts on hand vacuums? I'm looking for something for the car mainly. :)

touchmyfuckingcoffee58 karma

Thanks! There's a lot of options out there. Try visiting your local vacuum retailer. Support your locally owned small businesses.

rrw031221 karma

I have inherited a rainbow vacuum that I am pretty happy with, with one exception. I have a Cane Corso (big dog), and even after thoroughly cleaning the vacuum, it smells like heated dog funk every time I run it. Is there anything that can be done to get rid of that??

touchmyfuckingcoffee20 karma

Take it to your local vac repair shop for a cleaning service.

shatteredjack13 karma

I wanted a Riccar Butler, but it seems to be discontinued. Should I buy used or is there a better product in the car-detailing segment?

touchmyfuckingcoffee41 karma

Tacony still makes a commercial version of the Butler under the brand name Clean Max. Your Riccar dealer can order one from his supplier for you.

kernell3211 karma

If you use a vaccum cleaner to clean another, does it become a vacuum cleaner vaccuum cleaner?

touchmyfuckingcoffee51 karma

It makes you a vacuum cleaner cleaner and your vacuum cleaner cleaner.

holden1478 karma

My parents are looking for a bagless vacuum around $300-400. The upstairs is carpeted and the downstairs is bare floors. What would you recommend?

touchmyfuckingcoffee8 karma

I'd recommend a bagged vacuum.

If they go bagless, Sharks clean better but a shit, Dysons have the best warranties.

turbulent_energy4 karma

what are your thoughsa about the roomba and similar devices?

do you have any tip for general maintence and good care of those little electornic friends?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

I think they're okay for doing light cleaning throughout the week, between regular deep vacuuming (assuming carpeting). I think Neato and Miele robots are better systems than Roomba.

Read your owner's manual and perform maintenance at least as often as recommended by the manufacturer.

turbulent_energy3 karma


we have hard foors thou.

touchmyfuckingcoffee11 karma

You're welcome. Robotic vacuums are certainly helpful with bare floors. I just worry about them dragging around animal waste or vomit. (See: youtube)

headtattoo3 karma

I purchased a used Kirby g4. Cleaned it up as best as I could, and replaced the bag. I feel like it's missing some suck compared to other Kirby suck sticks I've used. Any thoughts?

touchmyfuckingcoffee5 karma

My first guess would be a bad belt, possibly a worn brush roller. It could also be a worn fan.

sledge82342 karma

Can you make people disappear?

touchmyfuckingcoffee6 karma

With this personality? It happens all the time.

iamwithithere1 karma

Is it true that Vacuums have a light in the front because originally when vacuums were first introduced you had to plug it into a light socket which meant removing the light bulb?

touchmyfuckingcoffee1 karma

If that is true, it's news to me. I'm not aware of any vacuums that were ever designed to be plugged into a light socket.

CaptainInsane-o1 karma

So robot vacuums are very popular now and are getting pretty cheap. What are your thoughts on them as a supplement to an upright? Any suggestions on brands? Neato vs Roomba?

Also last year I bought a Bissell 9595a and have been pretty happy with it. I know it's not what you recommended but for a budget vac, what do you think of it?

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

I think they're okay for doing light cleaning throughout the week, between regular deep vacuuming (assuming carpeting). I think Neato and Miele robots are better systems than Roomba.

As far as your Bissell goes, I don't want to insult you, but it is a cheap vacuum that does not clean well nor does it filter well. I'm glad you're happy enough with it. Just know you deserve better.