Hey, It’s Nick Swardson, AMA, throw some questions at me. I might be nude.

I know you're a huge Minnesota sports guy, and as an LA Clippers fan, I'm also an alcoholic. So my question for you is what's the best way to numb the pain?

I like the Clippers. Bummed Redick is gone.

How is Gay Robot doing these days?

He's surviving. Bless his metal gay heart.

What is the most fucked up thing that a fan has done/tried to do to you?

Someone sent me a Barbie doll once that had my head on it.

What's the favorite thing you have done so far in your career?

Grandma's Boy and Bucky Larson. But I'm proud of all of it. Zero regrets in roles.

Hey Nick! Thanks for doing this. You've worked a lot with Adam Sandler over the years. There's a lot of critics who haven't been so kind to his films from the last decade or so. Do you think they're being unfair, or maybe missing out on what he's going for? Also, what do you enjoy about working with him?

Critics attack him. Makes no sense. He truly makes movies that make him laugh and that he knows his fans will like. He's genuine guy. He's a legend. You look at his body of work. Albums, SNL, all the movies. Annoys me when people shit on him. Everyone has an opinion but comedy is subjective. If you don't like him, move on. Critics like to feel like they've accomplished something taking shots at him.

just was listening to you on Joe Rogan's podcast!

Please come to NC or SC on your tour soon, would love to check you out.

any plans for a Grandma's Boy 2?

No GB2. We just don't want to taint the first one and I might be in SC soon. My boy Danny McBride just moved there.

I love you Nick Swardson. I sent you a pint of my blood. Did you get my blood?

Copy that. Got it right here. Chugging it.

Are you as miserable as your voice makes you sound?

Ha. Amazing question. My voice has cause problems cause girls always think I'm being sarcastic. Everyone thinks I'm annoyed or bored all the time but it's just how I talk. Oh, and all of those things are true.

Can the Vikings be the first team in NFL history to win a Super Bowl in their home stadium this year? Is Bradford or Bridgewater the future of the Vikings?

Ugh, that's tough. We could be a sleeper this year. It's all O line. And we'll see about Teddy's knee. I like him a lot but that injury was horrendous.

Have you ever eaten corn?

Hate corn. No joke.

How bad is your diarrhea?

Volcanic mess

Hiiii Nick, how are you? A+ hopefully. My question is, will there be a Meatsward Day 3? Bummed I didn't get to see you guys this year but when you're when with a big star like Meatsauce I get it.

YES of course. We'll do it till armeggedon

What's the most effective way to mask the sound of a fart?

Yell "fire"

Hey nick! Big fan of your tv show Pretend Time. Sad it was cancelled. So, my question would be: What is your daily morning routine? And, am i still creepy?

Depends. I tour a lot. Write every day. Try to work out. Some weeks I'll just get hammered. Depends on my mood and whether I have to fart.

Wanna get black out drunk and ask chicks to read us the time on our watches?

Duh

Are you gonna do another stand up special anytime soon? I loved your last one, and Seriously, Who Farted? is one of my favorites ever. Would love to see you get a Netflix special!

Developing new special for Netflix now to be taped next year.

Nick when is the last time you farted?

Haven't yet today. Might start to worry.

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Of course. Saints opening day game.

I saw you at my school years ago. A girl in the back kept screaming "take off your pants." You compared her to a pterodactyl and told her not to have children until she is elderly. Do you remember this?

Also, which side character of yours from an Adam Sandler movie most deserves a spinoff?

Haha. Sounds about right. And Billy Madison or Wedding Singer.

Am I out of line when i say the vikes are going 16-0 this year? cuz i dont think so. Im ready to skol my dick off this season

Bless your heart.

Do you think Adam Sandler should keep making movies?

Yes of course. I love Adam. People hate on him and it's like "if you don't like him than don't watch his movies" but he's funny and great.

Do you like ponies?

A lot. too much

Who looks better in the nude: Meatsauce or Mark Rosen?

Rosie. Delicious.

Do you see yourself making another movie with the guys that made "grandmas boy" again? Also....nobody can obsess like I can obsess Jimmy.....

Yes, me and the director of Grandma's Boy developing a couple new movies.

What does David Spade's dick taste like?

sea breeze

On a scale of 1 to Norovirus diarrhea, how high was Rogan during the podcast?

Haha. He smoked the fires of Mordor (spelling)

There have been some regulars you work with, like Sandler and Spade. Who is most enjoyable to work with?

Those two and Danny McBride.

Whats your favorite Sandler memory?

Fuck. too many. He's hilarious. We always laugh a lot. I've truly never gotten a long with anyone so well.

Everyone from Minneapolis has a Prince story. What's yours?

To long to type. Fack.

Grandma's boy is in my top 5 fave comedy flicks of all time! my question is: is there plans for a blu-ray release? My DVD looks like poop on my nice tv.

Ugh, we've been pushing blue ray for a while. Annoying. Sorry.

Do you still fuck with Minnesota?

Always and forever

Any advice for new comedians?

Write every day. Be original. Find your voice, that'll take years. Commit your life to it with no guarantees and smile through bombing.

Whats the worst poop you ever took? Please specify the reason for the disaster poop and location of deification.

I took a shit in Vegas that looked like green alien barf. It's amazing what drinking a lot does to your body. So bad for you but still sweet. In moderation.

Dear Nick, can you guess my favorite joke? If you guessed "I have this cat and it's puking every where. So I took it to the vet, and I was like, hey my cat wont stop puking. So the vet asked me what I was feeding it, and I was all "puke..." you'd be right.

But it's not puke

Going straight to the butt stuff. Finger in the butt during a bj, yay or nay???

Hooray. Duh.

At what age did you start comedy? And As a stand up comedian how long was it in your career before you could call yourself successful?

Started at 19 and success is subjective. Maybe 23 years old I started to feel confident about not sleeping in an alley.

Hi Nick,

Love your shit. Did God ever end up blessing vodka?

Yes, of course. ha. Still laughing that I said that on air. Josh was like "what the fuck"

What's your favorite bar in MN and why?

Green Mill uptown closed. Sad. That was my jam. I like a place with good bar food and TV's. I have to have sports on or I panic.

Hey Nick, have a similar problem of being sick way too much. Heard you mention cutting out all Dairy on Rogan's podcast and it working wonders. That's pretty fucking awesome, how long did it take for that to start working and how often do you get sick now that you've completely cut it out?

Cut out dairy and sugar. It's immediately feeling better. Do it.

What should I eat tonight?

Food. Cat food?

What are your thoughts on ?

Exactly

How much pot do you smoke? What's a funny memory you have from filming grandmas boy? Do you do any charity work? Loved you in grandmas boy- one of my classic go to stoner films. I just learned about your show via this AMA so I'll be sure to check it out!

I actually don't smoke weed. Haven't for maybe 25 years. Everyone thinks I do even though I've said I don't on specials.

I don't smoke pot. Everyone thinks I do.

Have you ever eaten pizza from the Tin Shed in Shakopee? It's good.

No. But I'll change that.

Your MN stand up shows always sell out so quickly, any thoughts on a longer stay in the future?

Yeah, I should do a long run. Good call.

Who is your favorite celeb/friend to go to twins or Vikings games with?

I don't even know who I'm with at the games. I'm always shit faced and screaming. I could have gone to a game with Abe Lincoln and I'd have no idea.

How would you rate your roller skating skills?

About the same as my figure skating. Olympic.

Did u ever really say "sucks" around grandma?

yeah

How was your Flag Day this year?

I had diarrhea soooooo........ GREAT

So do you remember taking this photo after you performed at Cal U of PA back in September 2013? http://imgur.com/a/4dXii

Vaguely.

What was your dream apart from being an actor?

That's all I had. No other dream. Truly. When I was a child I wanted to be an architect cause of the movie Three Men and a Baby.

How high did Rogan get you??

I didn't smoke. But Joe smoked enough for all of Narnia.

Why do you think Bucky Larson was snubbed by the Emmys?

Robots, man, robots.

Ever thought about writing a book?

Yes for sure. I will at some point if the lord doesn't decide to 86 me from earth.

Hi Nick, what are your next goals and dreams to accomplish?

Just keep creating. New show and more movies. But I'd like to travel the world more and help out more. Help drunk people walk home in other countries. Train squirrels to give rim jobs. Typical dreams.

Happy to see you back on CC, man. Will you and Rogan really do a companion podcast soon and watch Laserblast?

Fuck yeah we will.

Which do you hate more? The Saints, The Packers, or Packer Fans?

great question. Packers the team.

Who do you like to collaborate with the most? Also, when are you going to do another stand up special?

I'd love to do some on camera stuff with Stiller. New special next year. Netflix.

You come into my restaurant all the time! Can I introduce you to kanye?!

Which one?

Do you watch ricky and morty?

Yeah, really funny. Original and brilliant. Inspiring when new stuff comes out.

If you wernt an actor what job do u think youd have/want?

School teacher. Grade school. I like making kids laugh and I'm not that smart so I could teach easy shit and look like a genius. And they'd be as immature as I am. I'd teach fart noises.

Who are your favorite comics at the moment?

haven't seen anyone in a while. I've been doing this 21 years. The last thing I do is watch stand up.

What's one of the best things about filming a TV Show/Movie in your opinion?

If you have creative control!!

Who is your favorite person to co-star with?

Sandler or Danny McBride

If you could work with anyone who has passed that you never got a chance to, who would it be?

Charlie Chaplin. Worship him.

I'm gonna see your standup at the Chumash casino in December we're gonna drink beers after right?!?

Rad. Sure.

How will you find meaning in life, without Chris Hardwick yelling "points" to let you know something you've done was worthwhile?

Also, I'll promise you unlimited points for life if you can talk Hardwick or Lennon in to giving me a shot at hosting @midnight, instead of canceling it.

Bummed out. that show was so fun. Daniel Day Lewis is hosting now. Way different vibe.

Pro-circumsize or nay?

Pro

Going to any wolves games?

Got season tix. I'll be there for sure.

Some would describe your clothing as young & reckless, what clothing line would describe your naked body?

Pale and smelly

Whats up Nick! Big fan, been going through some tough times and just started watching Typical Rick and all i can say is your awesome and thank you for the laughs! Hope you make it back to the islands as I was working during your last visit.

Who the hell thought of Alligator Repair Dick lol?

Hang in there bro. And I thought of alligator repair dick ha. And I'll be back on the islands this fall just chilling. No shows. Oahu. Aloha.

Can you tell us about your STD from the silent film era?

For real though, whats your favorite pizza topping?

Pineapple

Hey Nick! Thanks for doing this!

So I was able to go to your show at UCF (which was fucking hilarious I might add), and wanted to ask:

1. What did you think of the whole Orlando area?

2. Would you consider going back to perform at UCF?

Thanks again for doing this!

Yes I would, I like Orlando. I'm a rare person that likes Florida. A lot of people hate on it but I like that it's rogue as shit. And I like the weather. All my Florida shows have been great. They show me a lot of love.

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Sorry. We'll make it happen soon.

Hi Nick, big fan. If you were going to build a desk out of wood, how would you go about constructing it?

Blindfolded on vodka.

Pearl Jam and the chili peppers. Favorite songs?

Tooooo many greats. Impossible. In Hiding is one of my fav PJ songs.

How's your health?

Great. Working out a ton. Gained weight for TR2 so now losing that. Been eating vegan to try something new.

Would you trade Wiggins for Irving why or why not? Much love from MN 🤘🏻

No, I'd like to see this squad as is.

If you looked in a mirror, what would you kill yourself with?

A toilet seat

Have you been up to Duluth?

And

Do you want the TWolves to trade Wiggins for Kyrie?

Yes, a long time ago. And don't want to trade Wiggins. Love Kyrie. I want to see this squad play together. Kyrie feels like he'll be coming in rogue.

Hey, Nick! Thanks for doing this.

Have you considered/will you PLEASE start doing a podcast?

I've been hearing you on a few lately and they've been unreal funny.

Edit: also, my friends and I still quote the Mr. Creepy skit.

Not going to do a podcast. I like doing other peoples. and Mr. Creepy was the best. So disturbing.