IAMA best-selling author who has sold over 500,000 books, originally via traditional means and now via self-publishing. I have a new audio book out and am here with Jeff Machado, the narrator. I am Warlizard – husband, father, Gulf War veteran, an...

Would you rather moderate one reddit-sized gaming forum or 100 gaming-forum sized reddits?

Lol. Fucker. This will probably get deleted, but the answer is one Reddit-sized gaming forum.

Followup question: 1 horse sized scorpion or 100 scorpion sized horses with scorpion tails, instantly lethal venom, and an insatiable thirst for your blood.

1 horse-sized scorpion. I'd hit it with my car.

How's your son doing?

He's doing great, thanks. He's still doing the breathing treatments in the morning and evening but we're watching him closely.

The little bastard didn't like taking the pills and was hiding them. We had a serious talk...

Follow up question. How do you balance taking care of him and fighting off the black light scorpion horde?

I'm very good at killing.

And what about the scorpions? ^{I'm so sorry.}

Them too.

How come the scorpions in your Snapchat stories are glowing green?

They naturally react that way to the UV light. I wish we had a friendly scientist to tell us why. RIP /u/unidan.

This motherfucker messages me on Facebook to ask about scorpions.

HAHAH. Yes I did.

Now fucking answer.

He'll be back, and in greater numbers.

I hope.

He may have been a karma cheating, self righteous, egotistical sack of shit, but goddamn if he wasn't good at explaining stuff that the literally thousands of other degreed biologists on Reddit could just have easily explained.

I just think of him as a friend.

Well you're pretty popular on Reddit, so it's very possible that you might have been friends with him through multiple accounts

I'm friends with him in RL.

/u/unidanx still shows up from time to time.

I miss him.

kill them all

Yep.

/u/warlizard, are you aware of the surging price in scorpion venom?

I was not. Are you saying they are worth money to me? I have a gold mine in my backyard?

OMG HAI /u/Warlizard! Darn, this is something I never knew (yes, I do browse reddit a lot but... still.)

Anyway, a couple of questions:

1. Traditional means? Does that mean through a publisher, or is it some other kind of a process?

2. What inspired you to take up the task of writing? Is this your first book? (I guess I'm just too lethargic, maybe that's why deciding to write a whole book seems crazy to me)

3. What is self publishing like? Is it much harder or much more exciting? I don't know, I am always impressed by any self-published author for some reason, I feel they gotta do a lot more for the book. (Maybe that's a ridiculous myth? I don't know.)

4. I hope I give a good reason for a code. Do you like hidden messages?

That's all I have. Thanks a lot!

ಠ_ಠ

How big is your new TV?

80"

Hey Warlizard! This has nothing to do with book publishing, I'm sorry, but it has been nagging me for a long time.

Why do you reply with a timestamp to certain variations of the question?

I'll answer that question in this AMA.

EDIT: Here's the answer and there's no TL;DR.

In November of last year, Redditmade was up and coming. The idea was that you could create a t-shirt and Reddit would sell it for you, taking some of the profits. The problem was that few people knew about it and it was buggy as hell.

People had been asking me for a "Warlizard Gaming Forum" shirt for years, ever since I had one made up for my comic con trip, so I contacted the Redditmade people and we worked for a few weeks to get something up and running.

We thought it would be funny to help promote the site by linking my "Look of Disapproval" to the Redditmade campaign. After all, it's all Reddit right?

Wrong.

I did it in /r/askreddit and /r/funny for about an hour and was promptly banned in both.

Whoa. WTF? Why in the hell would I get banned for linking to a Reddit property? Well, the mods said I was spamming. I didn't look at it that way, but hey, I didn't mod there and you have to follow their rules, right?

In the course of the discussions I had with the mods, something kept coming up that made no sense. The /r/funny mods kept saying I was "spamming" the Look of Disapproval and that was against their rules.

I didn't see how, naturally, I was only replying to what other people had asked me and it was a site-wide Reddit joke, so what was the harm?

I asked for clarification on the rule, because it didn't make sense to me and they said that giving the exact same answer over and over again broke their rules.

Hmmm.... Exact same answer...

Well, many people answer the same way on multiple occasions, but rather than try to fight it, I tried to think of a way to respond to people who, by now, goddam well expected "The Look".

See, if I don't respond, people get mad, insulted, irritated, and PM the hell out of me. In addition, I've received countless PMs from people who say how much they enjoy the silly interchange of "Are you from the Gaming Forum" and my response of the Look.

So what I needed was a response that would be recognizable yet still conform to their rules.

That's when I noticed that there was a timestamp in RES and it hit me -- it would NEVER be the same twice. I could effectively respond with the timestamp and it would be just as good as the look, since it would be the same every time yet different every time.

I messaged the /r/funny mods and asked if that would be acceptable, since hey, I wasn't looking to be a dick to anyone.

They said it was and I could do it and we all wondered how long it would take for someone to figure out why.

Anyway, I was unbanned in /r/funny and /r/askreddit and started doing timestamps in /r/funny. People started asking why. I didn't respond except with the shrug.

Not long after, someone messaged me that I wasn't responding to their "gaming forum" question in /r/askreddit and it looked like the mods had written a script to ban those responses.

Well, no one had approached me, but I figured I'd rather not tempt fate and switched to timestamps there as well. /r/askreddit did have a rule about novelty accounts not being allowed, but hey, I'm not a novelty account. I've been here nearly six years and I think I contribute in dozens of subs, so I'm hardly a one-trick pony.

Anyway, I kept doing timestamps, but only in /r/funny and /r/askreddit.

A few weeks back, I got a message from the /r/askreddit mods that said I'd been banned for "spamming" timestamps in a [Serious] thread.

Ok, my bad, I get hundreds of messages daily, I must have missed the thread was serious, no big right?

Nope. Permabanned. The mods said that since I'd been banned for spamming before, plus a host of other issues, it was permanent. I didn't know what the "host of other issues" were, since I think I'm pretty nice to everyone and do my damndest to contribute, but what are you gonna do?

You can't fight city hall, but I wanted to know how I was spamming. Another mod linked me the reddit rules that say that answering with the same response in multiple subreddits is considered spamming. (https://www.reddit.com/rules)

Well, I was worried that I could get a site-wide ban for something that's a harmless joke, so I messaged the admins and asked for clarification.

They responded that I wasn't spamming, that the Look was fine, and that my account was safe.

So basically, /r/funny mods thought it was funny that I could do timestamps, /r/askreddit mods didn't like it, and if I had to guess, they permabanned me so that they wouldn't have the distraction and derailing that the whole meme creates and they thought my contributions weren't worth the hassle.

Not long after that, I got a message from /r/history mod who asked me if I'd simply not reply to gaming forum jokes in their sub, since they would only have to delete it anyway.

I said, "Sure, np."

So now, I answer with the Look of Disapproval in all subs except /r/funny where I use timestamps and /r/askreddit where I've been banned.

And now you know why I do timestamps.

In Reddit Enhancement Suite there's a macro for the ಠ_ಠ face, and right under that is a macro for the current time. Easy to mis-click.

Nope. It's a very long answer, but I promised I'd answer today.

Aren't you that guy that spelt your name wrong?

No, that was /u/katie_pornhub

Which fatality did you use to kill Scorpion?

My foot.

"Footality"

rofl

I'm a bit confused on your relationship towards scorpions. Are they your favourite animal, or your most favourite animal?

Easy mistake to make. Fuck scorpions.

Hey man, Love your snap stories. I feel like this may be an obvious question or it's been answered somewhere before but what is the deal with Warlizard? Where does this name come from?

It was the nickname of my unit in Desert Storm.

Ours was sheepdog :(

Ouch.

Yeah. Infantry too. Goddamn Major Charter...

omfg...

That's just wrong. My CO wouldn't let us name our hummer "Cunning Linguists" so we went with "Charlie Don't Surf".

How do you feel about being a Reddit celebrity?

I'd say it's cool being known here, but it doesn't get me anything in RL.

Actually, that's not true. There are hundreds of people I talk to that are flat-out awesome, and that makes my day better, so I'd say that's a big deal.

Oh, and you sold 500,000 copies of your book because of your internet status on Reddit. ;)

No. This book has sold about 6500 copies. The rest are under pseudonyms and I never told reddit those names.

DAMN that's cold

It's not worth crossing the streams.

Meaning the rest are porn books.

Nope. The problem is my wife and I used our real names, or variations thereof for many of them. They're linked with other books under total pseudonyms and it would be easy to put the whole thing together fairly easily.

Therefore, I keep Warlizard completely separate.

Hi Warlizard,

You're obviously Internet-famous (or at least reddit famous). Do your kids/wife know about your internet fame? And particularly your kids, do they really understand it? What's your favorite restaurant in Scottsdale?

Yes, they know, but my kids don't understand what it really means, because it doesn't really mean much.

So yeah, it's fun, but it doesn't do much for real life, with one notable exception -- because I'm reasonably well-known online, companies are more likely to be accommodating when I have an issue with them.

How viable is a career as an author? Money-wise, that is? Not expecting you to declare your finances, of course.

Btw thank you for your congratulations the other day (I sent you a snapchat about getting the job). That meant a lot

Very. My wife and I work with multiple authors whom we publish who are now making a living off of it.

We had computer stores and sold them when the self-publishing gig took off.

What's the best snapchat you've ever gotten? Or the worst. Or both.

Worst was a guy who sent me nothing but pictures of his shit.

I put a snapbomb on him and asked everyone to send him the most disgusting things they could.

He stopped immediately.

Reading this while taking a shit.

...wanna see?

ಠ_ಠ

What'd they send him?

Videos.

....videos of their shit?

And worse.

Did you get "CC'd" or were you spared?

CC'd?

It means "Carbon copied".

Youngster...

can i have some of your fries?

┌∩┐(◣ _ ◢)┌∩┐

How many snaps a day do you receive and have to ignore due to the sheer volume? Allowing people on your snap account is really cool of you but I can only imagine how flooded it must be.

Hundreds, but it's cool. If someone directly addresses me, I respond, but if it's another cat running in circles, I assume I was simply copied and don't bother responding.

Hey, love your snaps, hope you son is doing better? Specific questions:

• Any tips on writing a book? Or what worked best for you when writing?
• Have you considered a colder climate? We don't have scorpions...
• Should I be deadly afraid of scorpions?
• What's the best way to kill scorpions?
• Any more thoughts of gathering a Chicken-Army® in the fight against the scorpion hords?
• Why should I visit Arizona?
• What should I eat for dinner tomorrow?

Thanks.

1. Write what sells, plot the entire thing out first, fill in the gaps later, like an interlaced GIF. Begin with the end in mind (sorry Covey). Drink a lot.

2. Fuck that. I like the dry climate -- keeps me healthy. Plus, I've lived where it's cold and I prefer the heat.

3. No. They aren't fatal to adults and mostly it just hurts.

4. With a foot.

5. Turns out we're not zoned for chickens...

6. I'm here.

7. Steak. Always steak.

How goes the war on the scorpions?

It never ends.

Can you detail your military experience?

Hard to consolidate 4 years of the military into a short answer. What did you have in mind?

Just your job, what you did/saw, how was the experience, some highlights.

I was in SIGINT, specifically electronic warfare, signals intelligence, foreign voice intercept as a German linguist.

Honestly, it was crazy. I spent 2 years in training, then finally got to my duty station in German only to deploy to Desert Storm.

I have a million stories from that time -- it was madness.

Arabic linguist here! Did you go to DLI for your language training?

Yep. What a fantastic time.

What is the last thing you licked?

My finger.

I know that's not true.

ಠ_ಠ

Well after adding you on snapchat I was going to ask you what the fuck you did for a living, seeing as you are completely loaded, but that was answered in the title. Sooo... how old are you/how long have you been an author/publisher?

Old as fuck, but not 50 yet, so there's that. Author since 2009... I think it was.

What did you do in the Gulf War? Did you kill any Scorpions there too?

I was a German linguist in Military Intelligence. Yeah. German Linguist. Military Intelligence. Persian Gulf. Go figure.

Yes I did. Fuck scorpions.

What made you join reddit in the first place? And what's your favourite pizza topping?

I came from Fark.com and thought it was the most amazing place - I had to join.

Pepperoni and Mushroom.

So I heard you recently became a Cardinals fan...

Have you ever met any of the other Reddit "celebrities" in real life? Do you and u/katie_pornhub hang out? Have you bonded with u/Jstryor from your mutual experiences?

:)

I'm friends with Kleinbl00 in RL, as well as a few other people who you may or may not know. Unidan and I are acquaintances, although we've never met in person.

Katie and I have never met, but we've talked and she's awesome.

How bad do you hate scorpions?

One put my son in the hospital when he was 6, so a lot.

Oh wow I had no idea! I can understand your hatred for them then

Yep.

What's your opinion on the news of a scorpion uprising against the savage who is killing their kind?

Bring it on.

Has anyone stopped you in public because of your reddit fame?

Only once. It was bizarre. I was in Fry's electronics and some guys were debating buying an SSD for one guy's computer.

I went into a big spiel on SSDs and why they were awesome. The guy looked at me strangely so finally I stopped talking and he said something like, "I guess you'd know. You're Warlizard."

WTF>....

So why are SSDs awesome I have one which I just find to be meh

Because they are the single greatest way to improve your overall computer experience. Things load faster, you don't have to defrag, they're more reliable, and they're rapidly coming down in price.

Hey Lizard! I'm currently in my programming class and was wondering if you have a possible estimate on all the scorpions you've murdered in cold blood? Thanks.

Hrm. Maybe 50-100. Hard to tell.

Ya gotta get that kill confirmation. You should also collect their poison glands and trade for bottle caps.

Using V.A.T.S.?

I'm a semi-lurker and one day someone commented about you being the snapchat guy so I added you!

Couple of Q's:

1. What's the #1 best tip for writing a book?

2. Saw the snaps about your son in the hospital. What prompted that visit?? Hope he's okay!

Thanks :)

Thanks.

1. First, write what sells, not your passion project. Be slightly remote and let the market be your guide.

2. We were doing some stuff around the house and some combination of paint / mold set him off. He had status asthmaticus, essentially, an asthma attack that wouldn't stop. For 34-35 hours the doctors kept him on a constant albuturol flow and that brought him out.

Heya.

How do you think reddit has affected your writing? And you cannot deny that reddit affects you, Mr. Millionaire.

In many ways. Writing is all about conveying information, so the faster you can do that the better. Reddit forces us to inform people as quickly as possible, and the constant practice has helped my writing.

First of all, I hope your son has fully recovered from his asthma attack.

On to the important questions:

Do you like cole slaw?

If no, then why not?

If yes, do you prefer a vinegar based or a mayonnaise based cole slaw?

I like cole slaw.

Fuck scorpions.

Thanks, he's much better.

1. Hell yes.

2. Mayo based.

3. Fuck 'em.

How hard is it to get someone to want to publish your works?

It depends on the subject matter.

If your goal is to get your poetry out to the world, well, good luck. But if you have a current and relevant topic, then there are many publishers who are looking for that type of thing. You have to do your homework and be persistent.

I prefer self-publishing, personally. I don't like relying on others.

Thank you for replying! I'm a self-recording artist who is thinking of how to get his stuff out there. Maybe I could do start with self-publishing digitally.

PM me tomorrow if you want and we can talk. Might be crazy today.

What kind of convertible do you have?

Mercedes SLK-350.

You have a child. How did you get good at baby making?

Practice.

What's the weirdest snapchat you've received from a redditor?

An orgy of fat people.

Has anyone ever told you that you look a bit like Vladimir Putin?

No. I should get the photoshop gurus to have me walk away from an explosion.

Why snapchat?

It's tons of fun. I've met people all over the world and seen things there's no way I could easily see.

One guy, KaranKaran snaps me from Mumbai. How else could I see that?

What's your favorite short story?

Oooh. Good question.

I'd have to go with a short story collection called "City" by Clifford D. Simak.

Brilliant stuff.

Hiya! Glad to hear your son is doing better.

Since you enjoy posting nice cars you see to your story, which one is the coolest/most memorable one you have seen?

I saw a McLaren on the road the other day. Mind-boggling.

And thanks.

If you could change one thing about reddit.com (the site, not the community), what would it be and why?

Ooohhhh. Trying to get me in trouble, eh?

I would focus on the mechanics of the site, then try to build a community, where redditors could easily communicate.

Tags. Motherfucking tags. I would love to search for, or remove certain things from my feed.

And it sure would be nice to be able to search.

What's it like having people follow you around Reddit asking you the same question no matter what you post?

I imagine that has got to get annoying

Ha.

Not really related but I follow you on snapchat and was wondering how your son's doing. Is he okay?

He is much better, thanks.

Can I get a code for the audio book?

Aw man, put some effort into it. Tell me a sob story or SOMETHING.

Sob story? I'm a poor little boy from Africa. Time stamp to prove it: 21:43:51 GMT+0200 (South Africa Standard Time)

Do I need to lay it on more?

Points for creativity. PM me.

Thanks for this :)

What is your favorite life memory?

Also, how do you put up with us?

If I could, I would like to get a copy of your book. I would love to learn about your experiences.

Thanks again! Keep being awesome.

Favorite life memory...

That's a hard one. The most recent was when the nurse took the IV out of my son's arm and I knew he was going to be OK.

Traveling around the country with my wife and kids was spectacular -- we were gone for 7 weeks just seeing sights.

Coming back from Desert Storm and spending 5 hours in the shower was pretty good too.

I don't have to "put up" with Reddit. I love Reddit and the people here. Well, MOST of them, anyway. It's fun.

As far as the book, what format? Audio or ebook?

If you had to choose one event that you could take back, or go back and change it, what would it be?

I never would have started smoking.

Why do you hate scorpions?

One put my son in the hospital.

1) Do you have any other books in the works or any future books planned?

2) Have you considered funding a book via kickstarter and have you supported any kickstarter project?

3) How many snapchat folks follow you/do you follow?

Yeah, I'm always working on something.

The one I think will be the most fun and I just need to goddam do it is a paranormal detective story about a woman whose phone lets her talk to dead people. I think it's pretty cool.

1. No, I wouldn't even know how to do it. I think I helped fund someone a while ago but not in a significant way.

2. No idea. About 5000-6000 people watch my stories and I friend everyone who friends me, as long as the app lets me.

What's your favorite copypasta?

Penguin of Doom.

Has this book changed you, and if so, how?

Significantly, in that prior to it, we didn't know it was possible to make a living off of self-publishing.

Outside of that, not really. Very few people in RL know me as Warlizard, so meh.

If you walked out one morning and found a scorpion on your drivers seat, how would you kill it?

I would first be surprised that one got into my car, then I'd smush that fucker.

Have you ever tried cooking and eat scorpions?

I have not. There's a grocery store by my house and they have tons of non-scorpion food there.

What's your favourite part about Arizona? I've always wanted to visit.

Sedona. It's magnificent.

Hey man, I snapchatted you once and asked you how your son was doing. Glad he is doing much better. Anyways, how fun is it scorpion hunting?

Thanks.

Killing scorpions is actually a ton of fun, tbh. Fuck their creepy claws and their nasty tails.

Gib fries pls!

/s

How are your scorpions doing mate?

Also, what car do you drive? Haven't been able to tell exactly :P

No fries for you.

Fuck scorpions.

SLK 350

When it comes to catching scorpions, Mr. Warlizard, got any pro tips?

Catching them? No, I don't have any useful tips there. Just get a black light, go out at night and crush them.

[deleted]

No.

How many times do you think you'll get "that question" before this is over?

Hopefully not too many. The mods are going to delete them if they are asked.