IAMA Bouncer who has been shot at, tazed, stabbed, maced, punched, and clawed by enormous women. AMA!

A bouncer at a bar I frequented often weekends came up to me one night and told me my girlfriend was shady when she went out without me. Making out with randoms in the middle of the club...often. Shady stuff. I loved him for telling me. Saved me heartache.

Question is... Do you notice shady girls\guys betraying their S.O. and say something?

All the time. There's lots of girls at the bar that will make out with a different dude every night. This is America, so they can do what they want. If they're dating one of my friends though, I'll let them know. Otherwise, sluts will be sluts.

So...don't date sluts?

Date? No. Fuck? Well yeah, this is America

Would you rather bounce 1 shitfaced enormous woman, or 100 white girls who can't find their friend in the club?

One shitfaced enormous girl. They're always way easier than drunk skinny bitches who can't find their friends.

Finding the forklift for those Hams is the hard part though.

Well aren't you a charmer.

"Who needs charm when you have swag"

I'm a short pudgy guy and know nothing about martials arts. What are the odds of me getting work as a bouncer?

None. Let's be honest.

Bartender here. Thank you for all that you do. You make our lives so much easier. But I have to have a question so how small was the smallest person you've ever had to actually fight to get them to leave?

Hey dude, I get tips based on what you bartenders make. You keep making money, and I'll keep you from getting stabbed. We got this

While on the job, what's the weirdest thing you've seen someone do?

Two dudes fucking in the men's bathroom. I had no idea what to do so I pulled the "I don't get paid enough for this" and nope'd out of there

And then you went back in?

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not scream

I'm going in dry

The story behind the stabbed incident seems interesting. Care to tell ?

Drunk dude pulled a knife on me. Stabbed me in the knee. Something something Skyrim. He got tazed and arrested. Surgery is not fun.

Tl;dr. Titties and America

Still have any problems with it?

Oh yeah. Once a powerlifting powerhouse, now I look like Johnny Bravo. But I take life as it comes. So it doesn't bother me.

Tell us about your powerlifting career!

2 time national champion in high school, 1 time national champion in college.

Was Squatting 606, benching 480, and deadlifting 690.

It was pretty cool.

Do you mind sharing your worst experience while on the job? Most bouncers that I've seen are very polite to drunk and rude idiots, kudos to you!

Imagine 2000 ghetto black people breaking the door off the hinges of a bar, and then your boss telling you "Go be the door." Now imagine you got accidentally maced by a cop because he has terrible aim. Then imagine 9 ghetto ass bitches ripping each others' hair out on the dance floor. Fuck that night.

What was it like the first time you got to punch someone on the job?

I've only ever hit a guy once while on the job. He was wearing a shirt that said "I love Crystal Meth" and he was punching the walls. We asked him to leave and halfway through he turned on us. He swung at my boss first so I jawed him. I knocked him down and then put him in a headlock. I like my boss.

The best part was that wen we had him pinned down, the really small bouncer, who was there the whole time, came out of nowhere and pulled a flying knee straight out of the WWE to the dudes stomach. It was badass haha.

That sounds awesome. Dude's already out stone cold on the floor, you and your boss are figuring out what to do with him, when all of a sudden "Jeremy, NO!"

Dereck is very pro-violence, and there was no way I was stopping him..

Captain Falcon??

Ganondorf

Do you practice your fighting skills through smash bros?

Yes. Samus, fox, and Donkey Kong are my teachers

What is your favorite type of tree?

Tree fiddy

How realistic was Roadhouse? Was your bouncing mentor a Sam Elliott-type?

I beat off to Roadhouse every night

Holy shit reddit gold. Thank you to whoever gave me gold! Fuck North Korea!

After I watch Roadhouse, I'm able to bench press Jeep Wranglers while Motley Crue is blasting at 11.

I'm proud of you

Sorry for my bad english:

For how long do you plan to continue working as a Bouncer? Do you have other career plans? What is the profession of your dreams, and why are you not fulfilling it?

Edit: In short, what are your future plans?

Hey man, the fact that you speak more than one language is awesome. Don't apologize. I'll be here for a few more months. I'm about to graduate with two degrees. I have applied to several colleges in Australia and Europe for grad school. I backpacked through Europe this past summer and now I'm addicted to travelling. So we'll see!

Hey! Good on you for those 2 degrees! What did you major in? You should travel to the Azores , really good natural tourism here! Stay safe.

English and Communication. Most people say theyre useless, but I like to hear myself talk, so why not get good at it. I'll keep it in mind! I would like to travel everywhere!

How painful was the stabbing, macing, punching and tazing?

Very, very, very, and very

I'm assuming the downvote came from someone who has never been stabbed, maced, punched, or tazed. I've been all but stabbed and I think your answer was perfectly adequate.

Haha thanks. I was trying to be specific.

What about your job helps motivate you to go back?

Ever been puked on?

I make good money and I get paid to be big. It's a solid job.

Yep. Several times. It's only been really bad once. Some drunk dude took a shit on the dance floor and then puked on me as I was kicking him out. My boss stopped laughing for 5 seconds and told me to go home.

I think I remember reading about that. Did he kick the shit on everyone else on the dance floor?

He did. That guy sucks.

Former bouncer here, getting puked on is kind of like a baptism.

I've been baptized twice. While both of the liquids are very thick, the smell is incredibly different.

Former bouncer here. I call BS on the good money.

Then you need a better bouncing job. I get paid very well.

Have you ever had to throw someone out whilst laughing so hard it's impossible to maintain the appropriate decorum?

Yep. I laugh a lot, so it's all the time. This guy who was around 80 would always come in. We called him Uncle Larry. He would get incredibly shitfaced and then puke on the floor. As I would kick him out he would try to hit on every enormous black girl he could. It was hilarious.

A) are you allowed to carry at your job?

B) was the guy who shot at you caught? What was he shooting with?

C) what're prices like where you work? Anything you recommend or would avoid?

Allowed? No. Do I? You'll never know until someone pulls a gun at the bar

Yes. They were pulling a drive by and thought I was a member of the gang. They were caught a few hours later because of our security cameras.

$4 for a whiskey and coke. Pregame st your house then come to the bar.

$4 drinks and they pay you well?

Shieeeeet I need to find that state. I get shit and they charge these yuppies $16 a drink here.

Hey man, south Louisiana loves to drink

Who was the nicest person you had to kick out? Why did they have to go?

He was just really drunk because he had found out his fiancee was cheating on him. He stumbled into the girls bathroom, and we have a no tolerance policy about that. I felt bad for the guy, but there was nothing I could do.

Do you ever skip leg day?

I did after I had knee surgery. It fucked me up. Now I look like Johnny Bravo.

Do you pick up chicks like johnny bravo?

And Babes

How do you tell if an id is fake?

What's the biggest giveaway?

Fake I.D's collect more dirt of the edges and they look newer. And if I'm in Louisiana and you're ID is from Pennsylvania, it's probably fake.

[deleted]

Drunk bitches and dudes who think they're entitled to fuck those bitches. There's always a fight. That's about it. People who want to fuck, fighting other people who want to fuck.

Have you caught anybody having sex on the dance floor/at the bar?

Did you let them finish?

Yes.

No.

We can't have two dudes fucking in the middle of the guys bathroom. Do what you do, but my gosh the bar bathroom is not the place to do it.

How much sex do you have?

My balls are deflated more than the Patriots' are.

Why do you piss off enormous women like that?

Because they're obnoxious and won't stop screaming when they see someone they know.

hey, I'm a bouncer too, in Southern WV. I once asked a guy to leave for being trying to get people to fight... it turns out it was his girlfriends birthday... while walking him to the door she was yelling at him for fucking up her birthday, so he decided he was staying and pulled his pocket knife out. His girlfriend pulled her pepper spray and COVERED his face. Then proceeded to hit/kick him...

I just stood back and watched for a bit before grabbing her up and throwing her out, then him. I'm not sure what happened to them after that....

What's the funniest thing you've seen while working?

Fuck that whole situation haha. That sucks.

Funniest? Probably when a dude was getting kicked out, fell on the floor, and then tried to inchworm his way to the door. His commitment was impeccable.

What is the highlight of your bouncing career, funny or otherwise?

When I got my elementary school bully arrested. Check /r/prorevenge for the details. I'm one of the top posts of all time. Seth can suck a dick in prison.

Perpetuating the stereotype of a picked on kid turning bouncer.

That's exactly what I was. I was picked on very hard in elementary school, then I got big.

What's the most satisfying moment you've had as a bouncer in terms of kicking somebody out?

Check /r/prorevenge. I'm one of the top stories of all time on there. Fuck you Seth.

Any updates on how that court date went?

It went well. Let's just say Seth got fucked. And is still being fucked.

What was your job before bouncing?

What do you plan to do after? (no offense but I assume you'll be too old at some point)

Before- Waiter at Logans Roadhouse.

After- Lawyer

Everyone will have a shit job at some point. Doesn't mean you have to have a shit job forever.

What are your reasons for continuing to bounce even after going through so much?

Also, I can't imagine bouncing is something you want to do for the rest of your life (no offense if you do), but is there something else you'd like to pursue later on in life?

I believe Stanley from the Office said that he loves jury duty because he gets to sit around and judge people and get paid. It's like that.

And no, I'm on my way to law school, and hopefully Congress to change the world. I only have one life, might as well make the most of it.

What is the best thing about being a bouncer?

Half off of all my bar tabs on my nights off

How tall and big are you? How enormous are the women you are talking about?

6'5, 260 pounds.

The women are of various heights and over 280lbs. They're all annoying is the thing though. Like my gosh, act like you've been in public before.

What's the strangest thing someone has done to get thrown out?

We have a tree in the middle of the dancefloor. They climbed it and kept throwing branches at people. I lost my shit.

Ever get hit on by beautiful women?

All the time. It's awesome

It's because you're 6'5

Exactly

Death by Snu Snu?

I never imagined, but I always hoped

Have you ever witnessed a mass brawl at a bar/club and if so did you get involved?

At least once a month.

And yes. It's my job to get involved.f

How's your bar's relationship with the police department?

We're boyz

Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?

Ive tried, but it was with shotguns and I broke my fingers

How heavy can you squat and deadlift?

Squat 600. Deadlift near 700.

Hi! Do you have any particular strategies to quickly defuse a situation? Thanks!

Headlock then bring them to the police outside. That diffuses the situation every time.

Anyone else read these answers in hulk Hogans voice?

Yeah Brother

What's your favorite video game?

Windwaker

Witness any good "pick up" strategies used on guys/girls ?

"Damn gurl, you shit wif dat ass?"

Has anyone tried (or claimed to know) kung fu, or something like that on you?

Yep. And then I threw them out. They often know how to get thrown out more than anything else

Favorite power ranger?

Tommy, like every 90's kid

What is your opinion of subreddits like /r/fatpeoplehate, /r/fatpeoplestories, and /r/fatlogic?

I live in the south, so there's a lot of fat people. If you're okay with being fat, awesome. If you use the words "fat-shaming", fuck you. Being fat is not a disease.

There's a bouncer at a local bar who is 5'7" and about 160lbs. He takes on guys much bigger than him. Have you ever met small bouncers and how effective are they?

I used to work with a guy who was 5'5. He was a strong mother fucker and knew how to do his job. They're very effective.

Great responses so far!

I always wondered about the bouncer mentality. Do you get nervous before approaching someone who needs to be put in line or thrown out?
OR are you just 100% badass?

When you've bee bigger than everyone else your whole life, it just comes naturally. There are some special cases when I get anxious, but most of the time it's just business.

Have you ever met a bouncer with a stutter?

Yep. My coworker. But he's a good bouncer, so it's all good.

So, explain why there's so many fat women at your job? Is it a Chubby Club or something?

Nope. Fat bitches need loving too, and drunk dudes are looking to give it out.

Seriously nobody's asked?

How the hell did you end up getting tazed? What's the story behind that, OP?

Sometimes cops swing their arms too hard. Everytime, a tazer hurts. Thats what happened

Are you LGBT friendly? Some of your comments seem to say homophobic.

I don't give a shit if you suck dicks or eat pussy. Just pay your taxes, and fuck North Korea.

How often do you receive sexual favors, offers or advances from women at the bar?

Ive seen a lot of titties. And it's awesome.

Iama patron of a bar where I watched 3 bouncers ram this guy, at full fucking speed, into the center divider of the door out on purpose and then proceeded to whip his ass in the parking lot.

My consensus is that bouncers are the lowest of scum and attracted to that line of work for expressly this purpose. Much like cops.

• Do you feel good when you do it? I'll bet you're too chickenshit to admit it or too stupid to deny it.

lol