Yep. I've been a bouncer for a few years in the south at several establishments. Here's a picture of me behind the bar afterhours. Sorry about the paint job, but I'd rather not have my current company known.

Here's another picture of me in my early years, just in case you don't have enough proof. Also, check the username.

If the mods do not have enough proof, please DM me, I couldn't find a way to message yall, but I think I provided enough proof this time.

Here's some random guy dancing with a fat girl just for giggles.

Edit: I like how this post is tagged as "crime/justice." Badass

Comments: 1010 • Responses: 74  • Date: 

ShaBrah957 karma

A bouncer at a bar I frequented often weekends came up to me one night and told me my girlfriend was shady when she went out without me. Making out with randoms in the middle of the club...often. Shady stuff. I loved him for telling me. Saved me heartache.

Question is... Do you notice shady girls\guys betraying their S.O. and say something?

IAmABouncer811 karma

All the time. There's lots of girls at the bar that will make out with a different dude every night. This is America, so they can do what they want. If they're dating one of my friends though, I'll let them know. Otherwise, sluts will be sluts.

ShaBrah311 karma

So...don't date sluts?

IAmABouncer930 karma

Date? No. Fuck? Well yeah, this is America

scrabs92441 karma

Would you rather bounce 1 shitfaced enormous woman, or 100 white girls who can't find their friend in the club?

IAmABouncer756 karma

One shitfaced enormous girl. They're always way easier than drunk skinny bitches who can't find their friends.

Finding the forklift for those Hams is the hard part though.

Cockwombles376 karma

Well aren't you a charmer.

IAmABouncer564 karma

"Who needs charm when you have swag"

carl2k1142 karma

I'm a short pudgy guy and know nothing about martials arts. What are the odds of me getting work as a bouncer?

IAmABouncer568 karma

None. Let's be honest.

IWantToGoToThat399 karma

Bartender here. Thank you for all that you do. You make our lives so much easier. But I have to have a question so how small was the smallest person you've ever had to actually fight to get them to leave?

IAmABouncer590 karma

Hey dude, I get tips based on what you bartenders make. You keep making money, and I'll keep you from getting stabbed. We got this

HEMAJOMA364 karma

While on the job, what's the weirdest thing you've seen someone do?

IAmABouncer901 karma

Two dudes fucking in the men's bathroom. I had no idea what to do so I pulled the "I don't get paid enough for this" and nope'd out of there

lostpatrol254 karma

And then you went back in?

IAmABouncer1478 karma

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not scream

I'm going in dry

troll9025353 karma

The story behind the stabbed incident seems interesting. Care to tell ?

IAmABouncer1262 karma

Drunk dude pulled a knife on me. Stabbed me in the knee. Something something Skyrim. He got tazed and arrested. Surgery is not fun.

Tl;dr. Titties and America

ImperiumOfMankind70 karma

Still have any problems with it?

IAmABouncer233 karma

Oh yeah. Once a powerlifting powerhouse, now I look like Johnny Bravo. But I take life as it comes. So it doesn't bother me.

badgerX3mushroom18 karma

Tell us about your powerlifting career!

IAmABouncer51 karma

2 time national champion in high school, 1 time national champion in college.

Was Squatting 606, benching 480, and deadlifting 690.

It was pretty cool.

ethniciteapot323 karma

Do you mind sharing your worst experience while on the job? Most bouncers that I've seen are very polite to drunk and rude idiots, kudos to you!

IAmABouncer799 karma

Imagine 2000 ghetto black people breaking the door off the hinges of a bar, and then your boss telling you "Go be the door." Now imagine you got accidentally maced by a cop because he has terrible aim. Then imagine 9 ghetto ass bitches ripping each others' hair out on the dance floor. Fuck that night.

irona1317 karma

What was it like the first time you got to punch someone on the job?

IAmABouncer925 karma

I've only ever hit a guy once while on the job. He was wearing a shirt that said "I love Crystal Meth" and he was punching the walls. We asked him to leave and halfway through he turned on us. He swung at my boss first so I jawed him. I knocked him down and then put him in a headlock. I like my boss.

The best part was that wen we had him pinned down, the really small bouncer, who was there the whole time, came out of nowhere and pulled a flying knee straight out of the WWE to the dudes stomach. It was badass haha.

Granito_Rey598 karma

That sounds awesome. Dude's already out stone cold on the floor, you and your boss are figuring out what to do with him, when all of a sudden "Jeremy, NO!"

IAmABouncer171 karma

Dereck is very pro-violence, and there was no way I was stopping him..

The_Lamb_Man108 karma

Captain Falcon??

IAmABouncer270 karma


The_Lamb_Man80 karma

Do you practice your fighting skills through smash bros?

IAmABouncer219 karma

Yes. Samus, fox, and Donkey Kong are my teachers

TheCoolman78299 karma

What is your favorite type of tree?

IAmABouncer1483 karma

Tree fiddy

its_lance_mannion263 karma

How realistic was Roadhouse? Was your bouncing mentor a Sam Elliott-type?

IAmABouncer1069 karma

I beat off to Roadhouse every night

Holy shit reddit gold. Thank you to whoever gave me gold! Fuck North Korea!

DKFShredder269 karma

After I watch Roadhouse, I'm able to bench press Jeep Wranglers while Motley Crue is blasting at 11.

IAmABouncer256 karma

I'm proud of you

Xeno87250 karma

Sorry for my bad english:

For how long do you plan to continue working as a Bouncer? Do you have other career plans? What is the profession of your dreams, and why are you not fulfilling it?

Edit: In short, what are your future plans?

IAmABouncer620 karma

Hey man, the fact that you speak more than one language is awesome. Don't apologize. I'll be here for a few more months. I'm about to graduate with two degrees. I have applied to several colleges in Australia and Europe for grad school. I backpacked through Europe this past summer and now I'm addicted to travelling. So we'll see!

sierramaster72 karma

Hey! Good on you for those 2 degrees! What did you major in? You should travel to the Azores , really good natural tourism here! Stay safe.

IAmABouncer172 karma

English and Communication. Most people say theyre useless, but I like to hear myself talk, so why not get good at it. I'll keep it in mind! I would like to travel everywhere!

futureshoutouts101241 karma

How painful was the stabbing, macing, punching and tazing?

IAmABouncer520 karma

Very, very, very, and very

DJ_L3mtastic128 karma

I'm assuming the downvote came from someone who has never been stabbed, maced, punched, or tazed. I've been all but stabbed and I think your answer was perfectly adequate.

IAmABouncer50 karma

Haha thanks. I was trying to be specific.

suprafreak236 karma

What about your job helps motivate you to go back?

Ever been puked on?

IAmABouncer542 karma

I make good money and I get paid to be big. It's a solid job.

Yep. Several times. It's only been really bad once. Some drunk dude took a shit on the dance floor and then puked on me as I was kicking him out. My boss stopped laughing for 5 seconds and told me to go home.

N8theGr8215 karma

I think I remember reading about that. Did he kick the shit on everyone else on the dance floor?

IAmABouncer356 karma

He did. That guy sucks.

BourbonBeezlebub132 karma

Former bouncer here, getting puked on is kind of like a baptism.

IAmABouncer153 karma

I've been baptized twice. While both of the liquids are very thick, the smell is incredibly different.

utspg198013 karma

Former bouncer here. I call BS on the good money.

IAmABouncer66 karma

Then you need a better bouncing job. I get paid very well.

HereSirTakeMyUpvote223 karma

Have you ever had to throw someone out whilst laughing so hard it's impossible to maintain the appropriate decorum?

IAmABouncer635 karma

Yep. I laugh a lot, so it's all the time. This guy who was around 80 would always come in. We called him Uncle Larry. He would get incredibly shitfaced and then puke on the floor. As I would kick him out he would try to hit on every enormous black girl he could. It was hilarious.

Hanako_lkezawa196 karma

A) are you allowed to carry at your job?

B) was the guy who shot at you caught? What was he shooting with?

C) what're prices like where you work? Anything you recommend or would avoid?

IAmABouncer304 karma

Allowed? No. Do I? You'll never know until someone pulls a gun at the bar

Yes. They were pulling a drive by and thought I was a member of the gang. They were caught a few hours later because of our security cameras.

$4 for a whiskey and coke. Pregame st your house then come to the bar.

EastGermanJudge81158 karma

$4 drinks and they pay you well?

Shieeeeet I need to find that state. I get shit and they charge these yuppies $16 a drink here.

IAmABouncer210 karma

Hey man, south Louisiana loves to drink

Dukmiester157 karma

Who was the nicest person you had to kick out? Why did they have to go?

IAmABouncer366 karma

He was just really drunk because he had found out his fiancee was cheating on him. He stumbled into the girls bathroom, and we have a no tolerance policy about that. I felt bad for the guy, but there was nothing I could do.

nickdaisy148 karma

Do you ever skip leg day?

IAmABouncer445 karma

I did after I had knee surgery. It fucked me up. Now I look like Johnny Bravo.

RandomDudeOP87 karma

Do you pick up chicks like johnny bravo?

IAmABouncer207 karma

And Babes

cahillrock141 karma

How do you tell if an id is fake?

What's the biggest giveaway?

IAmABouncer277 karma

Fake I.D's collect more dirt of the edges and they look newer. And if I'm in Louisiana and you're ID is from Pennsylvania, it's probably fake.

Amish_cableguy140 karma


IAmABouncer306 karma

Drunk bitches and dudes who think they're entitled to fuck those bitches. There's always a fight. That's about it. People who want to fuck, fighting other people who want to fuck.

Iyamnotdead120 karma

Have you caught anybody having sex on the dance floor/at the bar?

Did you let them finish?

IAmABouncer220 karma



We can't have two dudes fucking in the middle of the guys bathroom. Do what you do, but my gosh the bar bathroom is not the place to do it.

ieatbabies1118 karma

How much sex do you have?

IAmABouncer719 karma

My balls are deflated more than the Patriots' are.


Why do you piss off enormous women like that?

IAmABouncer285 karma

Because they're obnoxious and won't stop screaming when they see someone they know.

anickles105 karma

hey, I'm a bouncer too, in Southern WV. I once asked a guy to leave for being trying to get people to fight... it turns out it was his girlfriends birthday... while walking him to the door she was yelling at him for fucking up her birthday, so he decided he was staying and pulled his pocket knife out. His girlfriend pulled her pepper spray and COVERED his face. Then proceeded to hit/kick him...

I just stood back and watched for a bit before grabbing her up and throwing her out, then him. I'm not sure what happened to them after that....

What's the funniest thing you've seen while working?

IAmABouncer224 karma

Fuck that whole situation haha. That sucks.

Funniest? Probably when a dude was getting kicked out, fell on the floor, and then tried to inchworm his way to the door. His commitment was impeccable.

Monolithic_Zebra98 karma

What is the highlight of your bouncing career, funny or otherwise?

IAmABouncer239 karma

When I got my elementary school bully arrested. Check /r/prorevenge for the details. I'm one of the top posts of all time. Seth can suck a dick in prison.

jjeezy46 karma

Perpetuating the stereotype of a picked on kid turning bouncer.

IAmABouncer93 karma

That's exactly what I was. I was picked on very hard in elementary school, then I got big.

Jerbattimus95 karma

What's the most satisfying moment you've had as a bouncer in terms of kicking somebody out?

IAmABouncer165 karma

Check /r/prorevenge. I'm one of the top stories of all time on there. Fuck you Seth.

TheBlackCrowes63 karma

Any updates on how that court date went?

IAmABouncer101 karma

It went well. Let's just say Seth got fucked. And is still being fucked.

homie_jesus64 karma

What was your job before bouncing?

What do you plan to do after? (no offense but I assume you'll be too old at some point)

IAmABouncer133 karma

Before- Waiter at Logans Roadhouse.

After- Lawyer

Everyone will have a shit job at some point. Doesn't mean you have to have a shit job forever.

zeWoah58 karma

What are your reasons for continuing to bounce even after going through so much?

Also, I can't imagine bouncing is something you want to do for the rest of your life (no offense if you do), but is there something else you'd like to pursue later on in life?

IAmABouncer242 karma

I believe Stanley from the Office said that he loves jury duty because he gets to sit around and judge people and get paid. It's like that.

And no, I'm on my way to law school, and hopefully Congress to change the world. I only have one life, might as well make the most of it.

penguoverlord58 karma

What is the best thing about being a bouncer?

IAmABouncer170 karma

Half off of all my bar tabs on my nights off

carl2k157 karma

How tall and big are you? How enormous are the women you are talking about?

IAmABouncer125 karma

6'5, 260 pounds.

The women are of various heights and over 280lbs. They're all annoying is the thing though. Like my gosh, act like you've been in public before.

haz-man55 karma

What's the strangest thing someone has done to get thrown out?

IAmABouncer166 karma

We have a tree in the middle of the dancefloor. They climbed it and kept throwing branches at people. I lost my shit.

ElysianRose151 karma

Ever get hit on by beautiful women?

IAmABouncer124 karma

All the time. It's awesome

PhaliceInWonderland68 karma

It's because you're 6'5

IAmABouncer92 karma


awoogatron400047 karma

Death by Snu Snu?

IAmABouncer107 karma

I never imagined, but I always hoped

substanceamuser43 karma

Have you ever witnessed a mass brawl at a bar/club and if so did you get involved?

IAmABouncer120 karma

At least once a month.

And yes. It's my job to get involved.f

fruition_facilitator42 karma

How's your bar's relationship with the police department?

IAmABouncer123 karma

We're boyz

JoeLouie40 karma

Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?

IAmABouncer102 karma

Ive tried, but it was with shotguns and I broke my fingers

ozbax40 karma

How heavy can you squat and deadlift?

IAmABouncer83 karma

Squat 600. Deadlift near 700.

Soupmaster4432 karma

Hi! Do you have any particular strategies to quickly defuse a situation? Thanks!

IAmABouncer117 karma

Headlock then bring them to the police outside. That diffuses the situation every time.

Puck_U_Madame30 karma

Anyone else read these answers in hulk Hogans voice?

IAmABouncer94 karma

Yeah Brother

ANonWittyNewbie29 karma

What's your favorite video game?

IAmABouncer163 karma


Lisaista27 karma

Witness any good "pick up" strategies used on guys/girls ?

IAmABouncer131 karma

"Damn gurl, you shit wif dat ass?"

Str8M98baller22 karma

Has anyone tried (or claimed to know) kung fu, or something like that on you?

IAmABouncer64 karma

Yep. And then I threw them out. They often know how to get thrown out more than anything else

sgtwonka21 karma

Favorite power ranger?

IAmABouncer83 karma

Tommy, like every 90's kid

ExileOnMeanStreet19 karma

What is your opinion of subreddits like /r/fatpeoplehate, /r/fatpeoplestories, and /r/fatlogic?

IAmABouncer118 karma

I live in the south, so there's a lot of fat people. If you're okay with being fat, awesome. If you use the words "fat-shaming", fuck you. Being fat is not a disease.

Rihannas_forehead19 karma

There's a bouncer at a local bar who is 5'7" and about 160lbs. He takes on guys much bigger than him. Have you ever met small bouncers and how effective are they?

IAmABouncer43 karma

I used to work with a guy who was 5'5. He was a strong mother fucker and knew how to do his job. They're very effective.

MrSpreddit17 karma

Great responses so far!

I always wondered about the bouncer mentality. Do you get nervous before approaching someone who needs to be put in line or thrown out?
OR are you just 100% badass?

IAmABouncer26 karma

When you've bee bigger than everyone else your whole life, it just comes naturally. There are some special cases when I get anxious, but most of the time it's just business.

RickyTheRipper17 karma

Have you ever met a bouncer with a stutter?

IAmABouncer36 karma

Yep. My coworker. But he's a good bouncer, so it's all good.

StarbuckPirate16 karma

So, explain why there's so many fat women at your job? Is it a Chubby Club or something?

IAmABouncer14 karma

Nope. Fat bitches need loving too, and drunk dudes are looking to give it out.

ThePsych1814 karma

Seriously nobody's asked?

How the hell did you end up getting tazed? What's the story behind that, OP?

IAmABouncer21 karma

Sometimes cops swing their arms too hard. Everytime, a tazer hurts. Thats what happened

Zeparmint5 karma

Are you LGBT friendly? Some of your comments seem to say homophobic.

IAmABouncer18 karma

I don't give a shit if you suck dicks or eat pussy. Just pay your taxes, and fuck North Korea.

tombreck25 karma

How often do you receive sexual favors, offers or advances from women at the bar?

IAmABouncer4 karma

Ive seen a lot of titties. And it's awesome.

JimBulloosheet-25 karma

Iama patron of a bar where I watched 3 bouncers ram this guy, at full fucking speed, into the center divider of the door out on purpose and then proceeded to whip his ass in the parking lot.

My consensus is that bouncers are the lowest of scum and attracted to that line of work for expressly this purpose. Much like cops.

  • Do you feel good when you do it? I'll bet you're too chickenshit to admit it or too stupid to deny it.

IAmABouncer20 karma