Third day this week, maybe 8 hours total rest since Monday, doing this AMA to keep myself awake, hoping for the strange and bizarre, come on reddit I know you've got it!


It is currently 12:31 AM, and yes the clock behind me is fast, unfortunately... Fire at will.

Edit: my shift ended 9 hours ago, I finally slept some, and I'm still here to keep answering questions! Keep 'em comin!

Comments: 272 • Responses: 73  • Date: 

[deleted]59 karma


D0Z13R76 karma

No! Some stupid fuck called in last minute! Bunch of savages in this town, I swear to god.

Promotheos8 karma

Try not to suck any dicks on your way to the parking lot

D0Z13R11 karma

But 37? Really? She sucked 37 dicks?

skellyton324 karma

Do you play League of legends? If you do, what rank are you and who do you play?

What web browser do you use?

What is your favorite type of lego?

What is the most BS essay you have ever written?

What is the most venomous animal on earth?

What creature can jump higher than any other relative to its body size?

Can a match box?

What is the best way to cook a cup of Ramen?

What is your favorite board game?

What is your favorite TV show?

What size shoes do you wear?

Are you married?

What type of lights do you have at your store?

What is your favorite musical?

Have you played Metroid Prime?

How long have you been working at your store?

What is your Zombie plan?

What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Do you prefer pigs or sheep?

How many pencils can be made from one tree?

What is the joke you hear most often by customers?

What is the thing you like most about your job?

What is the thing you like least about your job?

How far away from your store do you live?

Why am I still writing these questions?

How long has it been since you have showered?

What is your favorite sandwich condiment?

How often do you go swimming?

Would you prefer to fight 1 horse sized duck, or 100 duck sized horses?

What is your spirit animal?

how many tabs do you have open atm?

What is the last thing you searched on google (or another search engine)

Of Newtons laws of motion, which is your favorite?

So, Can you pogo?

What is your favorite mid evil weapon?

How many people are in the store at the moment?

If you could have a lame super power, what would it be?

If you could have an awesome super power, what would it be?

Of my questions so far, what has been your favorite?

What is your favorite you tube video?

What inspires you to keep going in life?

What is your preferred style of trash bin?

Did you read the rules and FAQ before posting?

Have you done an AMA before?

Would you rather be blind or deaf?

How is the weather?

What exactly was your relationship with pikachu?

What is your favorite type of cereal?

Explain the second law of thermodynamics?

Do you speak any language other than English?

Why is your clock fast?

What color is your hair?

What do bats smell like?

How long did it take you to read this?

The better question, why the fuck did I spend the time to wright this, I have class in the morning...

D0Z13R77 karma

1: no 2: n/a 3: Firefox 4: red 2x4 5: all of high school 6: box jelly 7: flea 8: no but a box can match 9: coffee maker 10: sorry 11: walking dead 12: 11 13: nope 14: fluorescent 15: les miserables 16: on and off for 5 years 17: I don't have one 18: 28.3 mph 19: pigs 20: depends on the tree 21: have a good day 22: free coffee 23: making free coffee 24: 6 miles 25: no clue 26: 14 hours 27: male 28: never I hate fuckin water 29: 1 horse sized duck 30: fox 31: 2 32: what do tigers dream of when they take a lil tight snooze 33: gravity 34: yes I can pogo 35: the mace 36: 4 37: never having to wipe my ass 38: weather control 39: the horse question 40: Harlem Shake 41: my son 42: open top 43: nope 44: deaf 45: fuckin cold 46: I was his trainer 47: fruity pebbles 48: I'm not a ducking physicist 49: nope 50: ask the owners 51: brown 52: shit 53: bout 30 mins 54: who needs school?

TheLonelyPotato-15 karma

Weirdest customer you've had come into the store?

D0Z13R36 karma

I had an elderly gentlemen come in last night wearing a flannel coat and a black top hat. He bought brillow pads and a glass rose. 1 guess to what his intentions were.

thndrstrk13 karma

How many pots have you smoked?

D0Z13R28 karma

Finally a challenge! I've lost count, but I am on my 3rd pot of coffee and I just bought a redbull.

Tactically_Fat2 karma

You're stuck there...why'd you BUY the redbull?

"part of my compensation, bossman. I've kept a running tally!"

D0Z13R3 karma

The bottom bit is actually true. I do have a store credit.

MCradi12 karma

What time will you be leaving work?

D0Z13R9 karma


MCradi8 karma

Do you plan on going to sleep after your shift?

And damn. You've got like 6 more hours to go.

D0Z13R13 karma

For sure sleeping tmrw. First off day from both jobs and my kiddo will be with his mom. So my ass will be in bed indefinitely.

Jenc178 karma

What's your other job?

D0Z13R12 karma

I am a karaoke DJ 3-4 days/nights a week.

illitizen6 karma

Is it great?

D0Z13R13 karma

I've had better.

MCradi6 karma

Damn dude. I'm not sure how the hell you're awake. There's no way I could live on that little amount of sleep.

D0Z13R13 karma

Redbull, stackers, and my unnatural fear of clowns (thanks Steven King)

Kungpaomatthew11 karma

How long do those hotdogs really stay in those things before they're tossed?

D0Z13R33 karma

Literally days...

skyscraperdream11 karma

Do you get paid more to work overnight? If so, what is the difference?

D0Z13R22 karma

I get paid $7.50 hourly with a 50ยข bonus every hour that gets paid in cash at the end of the month if I don't call in. 1st and 2nd shift employees only get $7.50

JFSOCC26 karma

that's a shit wage.

D0Z13R11 karma


alcoholking7 karma

Wow, and I'm here thinking $10.25 is a shit wage. (Min wage in B.C)

D0Z13R9 karma

Shit, might be movin to Canada then.

WinterSon3 karma

cost of living may be higher though, don't forget to take that into account.

D0Z13R3 karma

Exactly. I pay $500 a month for rent on a 1 bed apt. Utilities included.

sockgorilla9 karma

hahaha, been there done that. Have you had any strangely talkative people that you were convinced were going to rob you yet?

D0Z13R37 karma

Several times. And the unusually quiet ones that browse the candy aisle for like 15 minutes, you're convinced the entire time they're casing the place for cameras, then they finally pick up a snickers and pay with a $100 dollar bill. People are strange.

TrueKnot2 karma

Have you ever seen someone actually stealing from the candy aisle and been like fuck it, I'm too tired to care?

D0Z13R3 karma

No, I always care. It's not worth my job to let someone steal.

SirWinAPot8 karma

You look like you smoke weed. Do you smoke weed?

D0Z13R18 karma

Not for a while now. Might have to pick it up again if you fuckers keep assuming I'm a pot head.

hrmshort4 karma

I work midnights too! Weed is essential.

D0Z13R5 karma


I_Will_Try_More7 karma

If you had the choice to go to the moon or the bottom of the ocean what would you choose?

D0Z13R25 karma

Bottom of the ocean. There's been like 15 dudes on the moon, ain't no one been to the bottom of the sea. The moons wack!

Dahoyt7 karma

D0Z13R10 karma

I stand corrected. Still the amount of men at the bottom of the ocean is fewer than men on the moon, so I'm still interested in the sea floor.

TopShelfTommy7 karma

Based on the consistency of your last turd, how would you compare that to your life?

D0Z13R25 karma


brttnyrm7 karma

Can crop circles be square?

D0Z13R9 karma

Depends on the crop.

brttnyrm3 karma

Let's go with a corn field. Can crop circles in a corn field be square? Or are they no longer considered crop circles if they're square ?

D0Z13R5 karma

Corn and wheat fields will always be circular, alfalfa and soybean fields are more likely to have crop squares.

brttnyrm1 karma

Okay, follow-up question: do you have a favorite crop shape?

D0Z13R9 karma

Spirals yo!

tram2886 karma

Ever had any crazy interaction moments with customers?

D0Z13R14 karma

I once helped an officer make a DUI arrest right in our parking lot. The arrested subject actually ran the rear of his car into a fuel pump, could have been very dangerous.

imnotshort6 karma

What would you guess are the racial demographics of your customers?

D0Z13R14 karma

97% Caucasian hick 2% African American 1% other

noidios6 karma

Would you cut off the ring finger on your left hand for 4 weeks paid vacation for the rest of your life?

D0Z13R23 karma

What if I've already lost it to a tragic gardening accident?

halcyont5 karma


D0Z13R22 karma

Mattress-Tempurpedic Pillow-The one my gran made me before she passed. It's shaped like a dog.

Hendrix15645 karma

What's your favorite part of working 3rd shift or just being a store clerk in general?

Do you get some free stuff once in a while?

D0Z13R12 karma

Gives me lots of time to catch up on netflix shows. I just finished the second season of The Peaky Blinders. (If you haven't watched it yet I suggest you give it a whirl) and my boss is pretty chill, sometimes I get free smokes, and food. Coffee as cokes are also free.

Ringothefuckingdingo4 karma

You ever have baby mama drama? If so, what's the craziest shit she's done?

D0Z13R8 karma

Dude all the time! Maybe I'll just set up another AMA for that.

Ringothefuckingdingo3 karma

Can you tell just one story here???

D0Z13R27 karma

You want one with fairies and princesses? Or a legit experience?

Edit: I spent 7 hours in mediation on Monday to resolve issues with visitations. By the end of the day her attorney was on my side.

Jenc173 karma

Any truth at all to the movie, "Clerks?"

D0Z13R6 karma

If you know anything about Kevin Smith then you'd know most of that film comes from actual experiences with customers. I've never had a 'milk maid' or the crazy high school guidance counselor, but there are plenty of other freaks in the world.

helloyes_iamdog3 karma

Do you sometimes feel like you're in the movie Cashback?

D0Z13R6 karma

Is it bad I've no idea what the fuck you're talking about?

helloyes_iamdog1 karma

It's a movie about working the late shift at a 24-hour grocery.

D0Z13R2 karma

I'll have to check that out.

JayMoots3 karma

Aside from the hot dogs, what are some other foodstuffs we should avoid from your store?

D0Z13R13 karma

The spicy chicken sandwiches, talk about some ferocious farts.

TheGeorge3 karma

There's plenty /r/gonewild girls and boys who seem to take stealth pictures of themselves in stores with no underwear and a sex toy in bum.

They often are asked "do you think anyone notices?" And often reply "no, maybe the clerk, but no."

So, have you ever noticed sneaky nsfw behaviour?

D0Z13R6 karma

I've had some fun in the walk in cooler before. ;)

TheGeorge6 karma

With a girl or alone?

D0Z13R2 karma

You decide.

cupcakeaffair2 karma

Be honest, who "cleans" the bathrooms?

D0Z13R16 karma

I do when I'm bored, thankfully there's a dude doing an AMA right now about being a clerk.

Ewok_Soap2 karma

You been robbed on your shift yet?

D0Z13R11 karma

Not yet but I swear, you bastards are gonna jinx me.

Ewok_Soap1 karma

Great. Now i potentially might have part of the blame! Haha!

What's weirdest combination of purchases you've seen? Like a shovel + rope + bleach

Edit: words

D0Z13R6 karma

Cheddar lays, ambesol, and a pack of shaving razors. I've learned to not ask questions.


Have you ever got robbed? Sorry for sounding so blunt.

D0Z13R19 karma

There's been an attempt at my store, it was unsuccessful. The to be bandit was chased off with a broom. We deal with a lot of meth junkies where I'm from

Edit: Words and shit.


Thank you for answering! I got one more question if you don't mind. Why did you decide to apply and why haven't you quit yet?

D0Z13R13 karma

Gotta pay bills, the owners and I go way back, they've always taken care of me, this keeps my child support paid.

illitizen6 karma

You're so concise, I love it.

D0Z13R12 karma

Thanks, I take pride in my ability to quickly and effectively answer strangers questions.

thecheat4202 karma

Where are you located and how long have you been at your store?

EDIT: have you had people stranded in your store? We had quite a few in mine.

D0Z13R3 karma

We get the occasional strandee, thankfully we have a few tables and a tv that plays local news and the weather.

Duality_Of_Reality2 karma

If you could you could sleep wherever you you wanted to in the entire world in the entire country where do?

D0Z13R6 karma

The burj khalifa, naked, with a parachute pillow.

_yeast_2 karma

If you had to kill a coworker, which one would you kill and why?

D0Z13R6 karma

I like my coworkers. But the owner does remind me of the old man from pawn stars. Hateful old prick.

Dr_Richard_Burke1 karma

How many pennies are in the "take a penny, leave a penny" tin?

D0Z13R2 karma

One short of a dime.

Dr_Richard_Burke1 karma

One short of two nickels?

D0Z13R4 karma

Half of a dime, a nickel and 3 pennies.

Dr_Richard_Burke4 karma

I have two coins that total 30 cents and one is not a nickel, what are the other coins?

D0Z13R2 karma

You stumped me. What are they?

justbegucci1 karma

Which did you like better, Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?

D0Z13R2 karma

Empire, duh.

Ihmhi1 karma

Have you ever closed the store and played street hockey?

D0Z13R4 karma

We never close, for anything. Actually I'm pretty sure we lost the key several years ago.

Ihmhi1 karma

Surely you have to close at some point though? Disasters or emergencies and the like? Holidays?

D0Z13R3 karma

Ice storm? Power up the generator, Christmas? Holiday pay. We don't close. Ever.

[deleted]1 karma


D0Z13R1 karma

160+ comments, kind of late to change isn't it?

waynejonbrady1 karma

On average, how many wipes does it take to get an entirely clean asshole? I'm trying to figure out the norm.

D0Z13R3 karma

I use baby wipes 3 strokes usually get it.

_andone_1 karma

How many times a day do you have to clean the bathrooms?

D0Z13R3 karma

3 times a shift. More if needed

Anablue1 karma

Where is the store ? By the looks of the background prices of cigarettes and the Bass Pro Shop sign, it seems like your in the South.

D0Z13R1 karma


imnotshort1 karma

What city do you work in?

D0Z13R3 karma

Not sure if I should answer this one, I'll say Louisville. That's pretty broad.

moondra151 karma

Have you ever ate at the pizza place Coals Artisan Pizza?

D0Z13R4 karma

No I have not, I enjoy mellow mushroom quite a bit though.

moondra151 karma

It's real good,I was in Louisville a couple weeks ago with my dad,and it's great

D0Z13R2 karma

I'll be sure to stop by there soon.

am_alpha_as_fuck1 karma

Ever had the drunken lady stagger in and hit on you late at night?

D0Z13R12 karma

Hahaha yea, was that you?

SuperDuperCereal1 karma

How old is the oldest hot food item you sell?

D0Z13R6 karma

In all honestly, items in the hot case are tossed after 6 hours. No matter what.

Don_Zardeone1 karma

You know how when you're taking a poop, you start to ponder the meaning of life?

Do you do that a lot while on your shift?

D0Z13R6 karma

That's all I ponder during my shift. Why are we here? what's the point of life? is there an afterlife? what about reincarnation? I never come to a conclusion, but I guess that's a good thing, gives me more to mull over next time.

jefferey13131 karma

Do you work in a state with break laws? How do you manage to get your breaks in with you being the only one shift if you do try to follow the break laws? Also how often are you trying to take a huge dump but someone comes in and no one is there to help? Do you just yell at them from the crapper?

D0Z13R3 karma

Yes we have standard break laws, technically I get half an hour to every 8 I work, but this jobs such a cakewalk it's like being in break all the time. If I need to drop a deuce I grab my coworker from the kitchen and go do my business and vice versa.

jefferey13131 karma

Oh okay. I was curious how it works for breaks/poops when it's the type of place where only one person is on shift.

D0Z13R2 karma

There are always 2 people on a shift.

dabbin710errlday1 karma

Isn't it funny when drunk people come to buy condoms?

D0Z13R3 karma

It's more funny when they all buy magnum sized condoms, knowing they all can't be hung like that.

Bolognaous_Monk1 karma

How can you tell how well someone is endowed without seeing their junk?

D0Z13R3 karma

7 out of 10 buy magnums, only 3 out of 10 need them.

Edit: words.

ringonmya1 karma

What's your go-to karaoke jam?

D0Z13R7 karma

Yellow Ledbetter - Pearl Jam

JFSOCC1 karma

what do you think of the movie Clerks?

D0Z13R3 karma

One of my all time favorite flicks

jmf81 karma

What was the strangest combination of items bought over the last 3 days?

D0Z13R2 karma

Cheddar lays, razors and Ora-gel