I am a teenager who believes I am going insane and nobody will realize; AMA

Please get help. You sound pretty lucid otherwise, and a decent person to be going through this mindfuck and still be worried about what it could do to the people around you.

I'm honestly not sure what type of help I need... I'll look into it. If you guys have any ideas I'll try to follow through.

Medical would be first. Could be some type of trauma or possibly even cancer. A small brain tumor can cause hallucinations, headaches, and your inability to structure sentences/thoughts.

After medical the obvious choice would be paychological. The reason I am leaning towards medical first is that you are aware of the things that are happening and are not a constant state. If you are able to find a "trigger" that is causing one or all of these things (headaches/hallucination/scratching) I would log it in a notebook, phone, or computer.

At this point any help is better than hoping for the best. If you are more comfortable with psycholgical before medical, that is fine. If they suspect it is possibly medical, they will direct you. Same if you go medical first. Even your doctor (general practitioner) should be able to give you some kind of direction.

Not nowing is worse than nowing. Seriously. I was really sick in high school all the time. Found out I had liver scerosis and insulin resistance after pneumonia, double pneumonia, bronchitus, and than an intestinal virus. I was "sick" for 3 years after, all the way into my senior year. I was then told by others I was psychosomatic after several doctor visits, biopsies, etc. Psychologists, psychotherapists, none of them were able to determine the cause.

Thrns out it one of the simple things is what was making me ill. Metformin, a medication I had been taking the entire time, is known to cause severe stomach pains. Mine were so severe no one thought of it as a cause until one doctor changed my medication to Glumetza.

This all happened in 2 years. It was hard. It would have been easy to believe one person and stop and being told "it is all in your head" is a hard pill to swallow. Thankfully, I found a doctor that figured it out, but they wern't all wrong. At first Glumetza didnt help, because I was so use to feeling ill it became my natural state. I needed both kinds of help. Psychological and medical. While this may confuse you more when trying to decide, possibly even scare you, not knowing what was wrong with me was much scarier than the 2 years of hell it took to find out.

Tl:dr - get help. Med or psych. Just start somewhere, because nothing is worse than nothing.

Thank you, I'll try to get help.

I'm not a doctor, but you need to see one.

You might be bleeding in your skull or have a lump of the cancer or some shirt like that. Go, go now and get that shit sorted.

I'll try to get more attention soon. It's really difficult to talk to people about it besides my friends, so I'll have to talk to them about it. I'll ask them to help me consult with a doctor.

Try taking to your family about it. They'll probably know what to do.

I honestly don't like my family very much... I don't love them like I do my friends. I feel bad for that, but I've spent very little of my life actually connecting with them.

Next time you see couch person slap the magazine out of their hand and report back with their reactions.

If you don't report back we thank you for your sacrifice.

That sounds terrifying... I don't think I could actually go through with this.

Have you ever had something akin to an MRI? If so, what if anything was noted as out of the ordinary?

I haven't, but I wanted to get one when I thought I had a brain tumor a few months ago. I might get one soon if the headaches continue.

I would love to study your brain.....

Would you kindly sit over here?

I wouldn't mind. I'd love to be studied, I want to know what's going on too.

Have you been taking any drugs or narcotics?

I've read "incognito" by David Eagleman. He looks at the unconscious and how in the past people have "felt" that their great works were made by someone else while under the influence of strong drugs. He thought that the subconscious was the factor that allowed them to actually achieve the works. The people or the conscious just receives the end result and takes the glory of the brain. Maybe your just one step ahead of us.

I can't remember the people, and it may be all bullshit, but if you, mainly your subconscious, could kick out a way to teleport we could be pals.

Now, would you kindly sit back in your chair. So we can begin the procedure.

I haven't ever done any drugs or drank alcohol

That seem pretty interesting though.. I don't think I'm one step ahead, however

What is the craziest thing you've ever experienced?

When was the turning point when you realized you were going insane as you would put?

My first panic attack was definitely the craziest thing I've experienced. I felt like I had absolutely no control over my body. I wasn't hallucinating, but I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I scratched myself so badly that I have a few scars on my arm which people are often curious about; I usually just tell them that I fell and scraped it while riding my bike.

The turning point of going insane was probably the second panic attack. It was the next day, when I was with my friends, and I again had no control over my body. They tried to comfort me but I just couldn't stop zoning out or scratching myself. I couldn't focus on anything and they were really worried. They weren't as worried as I would've expected because a lot of them have frequent panic attacks.

This may sound weird, but have you ever moved your bones around? Not like exercise, but like tried to shift their position with your hands? I fucked myself up pretty bad this way and am experiencing something that feels like a loss of sensation, I feel less in control of my muscles and sometimes I just lose all feeling in my neck and an extreme dizziness occurs and I feel like I'm being erased. I try to ease it by grabbing onto something to feel grounded. It's the most terrifying sensation I've ever felt, and I constantly don't feel "real" anymore.

I haven't except for my wrists when I had carpal tunnel. That sounds really odd though.

Why dont you see a doctor? If you're worried about what other people will think the doctor has to keep your information confidential. Please seek help.

I'm mostly worried about how my family will react to this

What do you think would happen to you if you kept your secret from any specialist/doctor for about, let's say, the next year? Would you improve? Worsen? Stay the same? Thanks and hope all gets well.

I think I'm worsening. My friends help a lot but I really don't believe there's anything they can do to cure me. I'll check up with a neurologist and psychiatrist frequently though so that shouldn't be the case.

Do you consume caffeine?

See a different doctor. There's probably something, or some condition you're experiencing, or multiple things adding up to what you're feeling.

Very rarely. I don't like coffee and I usually can't sleep at night if I have any amount of caffeine during the day.

I'll try to see a different doctor, thank you.

Best of luck to you good sir/madam.

Just so you know, if you calculate a very high power of 2 and a very high power of 3, and they are close to each other, then you have a very good approximation for log base 2 of 3. I used to do this in my head when I was painfully bored and stuck in my head in an unpleasant situation.

For example, 2²⁰ = 1048576 and 10⁶ = 1000000 which are almost equal, this means that log base 2 of 10 is almost exactly 20/6 = 10/3. The actual value is 3.322.

Good luck, keep hanging out with friends, and try to become more open with the important adults in your life!

Interesting. Thank you for that, I'll try to find some more patterns like the one you've said; I never thought to look at patterns between the two.

I did, however, want to try to find an equation to find the number of digits in an exponent. I never followed through with that, though.

n    Digits in 2^n
1           1
2           1
3           1
4           2
5           2
6           2
7           3
8           3
9           3
10          4
11          4
12          4

Hint: This actually has to do with what log_2 10 is!

ceil[log_2(n)]? I'll look and see if that's right later

You don't necessarily need to consciously feel or understand that you have anxiety or that you are stressed. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and depersonalization and I was only complaining about the latter. I never worried about a thing, deadlines were just dates for me and problems were something that could always be fixed or go away. I was as carefree as possible.

Well, turns out it didn't matter. After treatment on SSRI-s and benzodiazepines which I still take when needed, the depression is gone and the anxiety/depersonalization episodes under control.

I doubt you are schizophrenic, there are many other things similar to it, including schizotypal personality disorder, which is similar, but even then there are still countless things that it could be, if not multiple things.

Have you tried Seroquel? It's an anti-psychotic, I take very small doses of it to fall asleep sometimes, but at larger doses it's meant for just that - schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

I don't think I'm schizophrenic either. I haven't tried any medications... I've had trouble trying to do anything biologically to help myself. I've always felt like trying to solve my problems by thinking through them is the best solution, because it's usually permanent. I evade most types of medication for this reason, besides antibiotics and allergy medication.

[deleted]

I'm 17 and still trying to get through my life... So no, I haven't.

[deleted]

I have never done any drugs

I also haven't had a brain scan yet, but I may get an MRI soon if the headaches don't go away

Do you still have the ability to relate and empathize with others?

Also, does it feel like auto-pilot when interacting with people?

It does feel like auto-pilot, my responses aren't thought out, they just come out. Honestly I say things I regret because of this, but nothing too bad yet I suppose.

I still empathize with others pretty well. I've talked to people about the panic attacks they have, and a few friends feel comfortable only calling me when they have panic attacks and need help. I don't think I'm a sociopath by any means, I understand other people fairly well.

When was the first time your symptoms started showing up?

A few months ago. It's been probably three months now, but they worsened only recently, maybe a month ago.

I think it is quite possible that you have a brain tumor.

I've thought I had a brain tumor twice before. My body produces too much adrenaline naturally, and I pass out/vomit when I run, so I thought so as well

Can we get something going so that we can get updates from /u/Eyeownyew as he/she gets this figured out?

I'd be happy to set something up for updates if you want. I don't know how to let anyone know about it, though, as the AMAs/comment have already passed. If you have any ideas I'd be happy to keep you guys informed.

Latest update is that I have an appointment with a neurologist at 7:30am on Thursday. It's lucky that someone cancelled their appointment because no more appointments were open until late June.

Hello Eyeownyew! Your post has been removed because this topic isn't suitable for /r/IAmA. Try posting in /r/CasualIAmA instead. Sorry for the inconvenience!

:(

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/wiki/index#wiki_8._what_topics_are_and_are_not_allowed.3F

Stories about fetishes, abuse, addiction, relationships, sexual behaviors, sexuality, gender identity, religion, or psychiatric disorders are too common and generally unprovable. These topics are better suited for /r/CasualIAmA. Consider also /r/ControversialIAmA.

I understand, I posted in /r/casualiama.

It's late here so I may have missed it, but do you talk yourself at all? Whether aloud or in your head?

I do both frequently but I'm told that's quite regular

Have you had a dreams you would consider odd or out of place? Can you describe them if so?

I've had many. I dream about very odd things, and they usually involve both math and the people I love.

The most recent dream I've had involved fractals. I dreamt of a castle in a courtyard. I could pull the castle sideways, and the size of it would increase rationally. Once I made the castle bigger than the courtyard, there was a bigger courtyard outside it.

I repeated that a few times, and the castle was bigger than mountains. Only, once it hit this point, I looked and saw a lot of people I loved; then I pushed the castle over, and it crushed a lot of them.

I was really sad I did this, though. One person, the person closest to me that has been helping me through this a lot, was angry at me. What I remember from the dream is that they were riding their bike, running from me, looking in the opposite direction as though they were about to be attacked. I ran and grabbed them off of their bike, and hugged them. It was forced, though, they weren't reciprocating it. They told me to get away, they didn't want to talk to me. I woke up shortly after this, and I cried because I was so sad.

I told them about this dream and they promised that would never happen, they loved me. It was a terrifying dream.

I've had a few others if you're interested to hear more. I usually have very vivid dreams, and remember them well. My mom wanted me to write all of them down and sell them as books because of how absurd the stories are, but I never did. Not all of them are so dark, either.

Oh yes I'd love to hear more if you have them! Thanks so much for the responses!

A lot of dreams I've had have been about distorted versions of games I've played, such as final fantasy or league.

A recurring dream I've had a few times:

I was on a battlefield (one of my worst fears, I hate combat of any kind) with one of my friends (not one of the ones I've talked to) and we were heavily outnumbered. I don't know where we were, it wasn't an area I recognized at all, but it was sort of like large hills -- very nearly mountains -- covered in grass for miles in every direction. Behind us were really large mountains and a lake in the middle of them (sort of like a valley).

Anyway, when we saw how heavily outnumbered we were, and with only a lake to retreat to, we ran to the lake in hopes of finding some sort of hiding place. Since it's only two of us this can't be that hard. As we were running toward the lake, I vomited and passed out (which happens when I run in real life, too). I've never actually woken up in the dream after this happens, I always wake up immediately after, shaking. I'm not really sure why, because the dream honestly wasn't that terrifying, but every time I've had the same reaction. I've also never been able to control this dream, so I've never been able to stop myself from running and passing out. There hasn't ever been an alternate ending and I'm not really sure why I've had the dream.

If you want to hear more, maybe weirder ones, I'll tell you more

Sounds like you're worried that your condition (the castle) will grow beyond your control and will hurt and turn away the people you love and who love you. It's good they promised you, in real life, that that wouldn't happen. It's a scary dream but that promise must have been comforting.

I am very worried that I could hurt the people I love. Not my family so much as my friends, I love them a lot. I don't think I would actually hurt them, but then again I don't really feel like I'm making those decisions at this point

That man on the couch thing is creepy as shit haha

I agree. I actually can't tell if it's a man or a woman though.

I forgot to add to this... I tried to take a picture of the person with snapchat and they showed up on the screen when I took the picture. I sent this to another person, however, and they asked why I sent them a picture of my living room... Which really confused me. I was trying to tell them that it was creepy that one of my sister's friends just didn't even respond to conversation and was probably high.

It was creepy to realize that I was hallucinating through the picture though.

If things get much worse, what are you going to do?

If things get any worse, I'm going to ask my friends to tell my family and I trust whatever they do to be best.

Superman or Batman ?

Neither; I'd prefer a superhero that tried to work really hard at justice, rather than buy it or inherit it.

In other words, a police officer. Officer Gordon, there's your answer.

Hi. I don't usually reply to posts on reddit but I do read posts everyday. However this post compelled me to comment.

Please listen to the people suggesting a MRI and go see a neurologist. I have had quite a few myself. They really help to seeing the inner workings of the brain. I feel I should explain...

I have had very similar or if not the same experiences you have had through out the years. Have you ever considered that you may not be crazy but may have a neurological disease? I am epileptic. I was diagnosed with the disease when I was 13 years old. I was having the same out if it experiences that you have explained in social situations. Also the same as it causes me to have a panic attack or a panic attack caused because of the mini seizure.

For me what caused this are kind of like mini seizures. It would feel like my life would hit pause for 20-30 seconds but to other people it would seem like I was day dreaming or not paying attention.

I also suffered/suffer from headaches/migrains all the time. No painkiller would fix them.

Also I do suffer from full complex seizures and have done for years. But I have been on my best run since I was about 10 years old as I have not had one since new years! :) I hope to be able to get my drivers license next year as I'm now 31 years old.

Also epilepsy can affect your vision as well as motor skills. I have had hallucinations just before going into a fit and I also would have a aura around me. Then sometimes I will also have a special scent that I can smell that no one else can that won't go away.

Please go see your Dr or another one ASAP. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. If you have any questions or want to discuss further then please feel free to pm me. There is a lot more I can go into.

Thanks.

Thank you for sharing :) I'll see a doctor about it soon, a lot of people have said that's the best route. I don't think I'm epileptic but I guess I really have no idea what's wrong. I'm happy you're getting better, good luck in the future.

I'll keep you updated.

I had suffered from similar symptoms in my late teens, I had night terrors and mild hallucinations. I was paranoid and often thought my friends were just waiting for me to leave because they hated me.

Eventually I developed severe migraines and I would itch uncontrollably. Constantly. Even in my sleep I would claw at myself and eventually had to go to the hospital because I had clawed through my scalp in my sleep. It all eventually caused me drop out of college because I couldn't cope.

I'd been to doctors dozens of time and the all told me it was my depression manifesting itself as physical symptoms. But nothing seemed to work and I was ready to kill myself because I felt like I couldn't control my body or mind.

But eventually I found a great neurologist and come to find out I had a nerve disorder caused by Lyme disease I had as an adolescent. Now I take one pill a day and I'm fine.

Don't give up. Be persistent and talk to someone. It's worth it in the end.

Thank you, I'll try to find help

Have you tried Excedrin Migraine for your headaches? I ask because I've experienced chronic headaches since childhood (had a MRI at age 8 to find the cause). I never received an official diagnosis, or my parents never shared it with me but my headaches have slowed as I've gotten older. I still get a lot of headaches but I've greatly narrowed down the causes and can largely avoid most of them. I used to take vicodin, imitrex, and some other prescription headache/migraine but unless I have an actual migraine, Excedrin Migraine dulls 95% of my headaches. I can't recommend taking them for 4 headaches a day, since you'd go over the max dose of Acetaminophen, but if they work as well for you as they do for me, then you could use them for the really bad headaches.

I haven't. I can try migraine medicine if you think it would help.

What were some of the causes of the headaches you experienced?

How long have you been feeling like this? Have you considered that you might be manic depressive? Also, did you try to interact with the man you hallucinated at all?

I really think you should see a doctor and maybe a different psychologist. I hope things get better for you.

A few months. I don't think I'm actually depressed, but I have had suicidal thoughts. I didn't try to interact with them besides taking the picture with snapchat.

Thank you for your suggestion I'll try to get help

[deleted]

You may also want to try and get help. It seems to be the general consensus... Better safe than sorry I suppose

How fucked up/ well is your sleeping pattern? With all this going on in your head I can only imagine what night time is like for you

Very fucked up. School starts at 7am, so I wake up at 6, and I usually don't fall asleep until 2-3am. On weekends I sleep about 18 hours a day, though... It kind of balances out, I suppose. Nighttime is definitely hell, though, because the symptoms get a lot worse when I'm alone. I scratch myself most at night.

Please heed the advice below. Never underestimate the mental effect of prolonged sleep depravation. Trust me, I know. Buy melatonin pills--you can get them without prescription and they work by activating a natural chemical in you--and try to sleep well for at least a week, see if it helps.

I have melatonin, and I'm very frequently tired, I'm just unable to sleep while panicking. Once school stops I'll try to adjust my sleep schedule; it's just one more week. Thank you.

What do you do for fun?

Programming and video games. I love to learn, so I've been learning languages recently (German in school, Korean on my own). I also read math books frequently because my brother has them from college and never uses them.

I spend a lot of time with my friends, we hang out frequently.

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.

Not really a question, just had a similar experience and wanted to share with you.

My family has a history of schizophrenia, the onset of which occurs either during puberty or around the 40ies. My grandmother, both my aunts and a cousin "lost their minds" at some point in their life. The sad thing is that none of them accept their disorder.

My mother has some mild fluoride phases where she becomes delusional and incoherent. Even though she was the one who put my grandmother and my aunt in a mental institution, she won't accept she might be affected as well.

I started losing my mind at age 12 (as far as I can recall), though I have occasionally hallucinated before that. By that time I was under a lot of stress. I was stuck in a shitty school were I was seriously beaten on a regular basis (had to be rushed to the hospital twice); was beaten and constantly yelled at at home; and had no friends since we had moved recently.

From time to time I'd hear my mom yell at me when she was not around (e.g. during class or when walking home from school). The voice was so real, I'd turn my head and flinch (that did not help with my popularity).

From then on everything went downhill. Like you, I'd zone out and do things "subconsciously"; I found it increasingly difficult to have a conversation since my mind would wonder or simply "turn off" despite the fact that I was making a conscious effort to stay focused. I started seeing things, having "false memories" like being absolutely certain some said or did something when in reality they didn't. I once spent the entire weekend writing a report on venomous snakes only to have my biology teacher ask me "what is this?" when I handed it over on Monday.

I left the country alone at age 17 (long story) and ended up in a boarding school. Once I was removed from my previous, highly stressful environment, the symptoms started to dissipate until they finally disappeared completely when I was 20. I regained my consciousness and intelligence. I was so happy when I passed the Uni entrance exams and would have the opportunity of doing something other than manual labor (throughout my teens, people constantly told me I was dumb. I believed it).

I've got a decent job as a software developer in a research institute and things remained more or less stable ever since. Occasionally, in very stressful situations, I'll have some thought intrusions and say something like "shuttup" out loud or slap myself in the face. Fortunately, I still have the self control not to do it in public.

Some years ago, I had "the talk" with my gf since she caught me slapping myself. I told her about my family's history with schizophrenia and that in 10 to 15y time I might lose my mind as well. We're still together :)

So far I had 3 acquaintances who "developed" schizophrenic symptoms in their late twenties and mid thirties. I sends shivers down my spine every time I hear about it because I know the same is likely to happen to me, and I know what is like to be insane.

Thank you for sharing your story... I'm sorry you have this burden. I really hope it improves, for both of us, and I'm glad that you still have people in your life that care about you (your girlfriend). I think we'll be okay even if we do go insane :) We have people that love us.

How easy is school for you? Multitasking? Any subjects or activities you're great in?

School is very easy for me. I'm in the IB program at our school and most of the people in it complain that it requires a lot of effort and time, and that they rarely have free time. I've been able to get through it quite easily (not with straight As, but the exams are easy to me).

I don't think multitasking is easy for me, but I don't really know. I usually just try to do one task at a time, but often I can talk to people about a different topic than something I'm actively engaged in and still offer valid responses. I think that's pretty regular though.

I'm really good at math, I'm okay at programming but I really like the math portions of programming. I really want to go into cryptography for this reason

Initially, with the scratching and such I would have thought it could be some form of conversion disorder (you take trauma, bad experiences,etc and turn subconsciously turn it into a psychological disorder) but the math thing doesn't make sense for that.

Questions:

1. Any head trauma you can recall?

2. How are your social skills?

3. Are you able to express and actually understand and recognize feelings appropriately?

4. Do you ever have visual or auditory disturbances (not hallucinations)?

5. You need to see a neurologist.

1. I had a greenstick fracture in my jaw a few years ago from tripping on concrete, I had a really bad concussion from it. I also played soccer for a few years so probably more I can't recall

2. My social skills are fairly good but declining because I can't respond intelligently very often anymore

3. I can't really understand my own emotions but I think that's related to being a teenager

4. My hearing goes out frequently if that's what you mean? Nothing visually I can recall

5. ..Alright

I just want to say you are doing the right thing, going to a specialist and all. Keep on talking to people about what's happening, keep them updated. Over all, worrying about family should still be a priority but your well being is very important.

Okay, thank you.

You don't need to hear voices to have schizophrenia, you should really go and see either a doctor or a psychiatrist, the brain is a magnificent thing and if it's playing up there is usually a reason for it. Can I ask how old you are and what gender?

17, Male.

This all sounds rather scary. Im no doctor but I do work in a hospital for mental health, this does not sound like a mental disorder and I would strongly suggest seeing a neurologist and getting an mri scan before going down a mental health route.

As for my question, what other hallucinations have you experienced? Is there a correlation between the frequency of hallucinations and the headaches?

The person on the couch is the only hallucination I've had yet that I've noticed. The headaches are very frequent and the hallucinations are infrequent so I don't believe there's a correlation between the two

If you can consciously and decisively state that you "believe you're going insane," doesn't that mean you're sane enough to discern between sanity and insanity, and therefore not be insane?

I don't really know. I'm able to interpret my actions sometimes but not control them, and I don't think that's regular. I've not really been able to figure anything out.

What did the description say?

All quoted

Hello, after a response to an ask reddit thread (which can be seen here) where I posted mentioning I think I'm going insane, I got a few AMA requests and decided to follow through. So, ask me anything pertaining to my insanity you'd like to hear about. I'll be up all night, so I'll try to respond to everyone individually.

I'm not really sure how to submit proof for this.. If anyone has any ideas I'd be happy to follow through.

This is the copypasta I sent to everyone who responded to me in the thread (over 100 PMs, thank you very much for your concerns everyone):

I won’t be bothered if you skip your way through this and read what you believe to be the more important and relevant portions of the response, it’s quite long.

I feel like I’m going insane for a few reasons. At times, I’m completely unable to control my actions – when I’m alone, I’m often scratching myself. I don’t really know why, I know it’s bad, but I can’t stop it. I bled a few times, and the wounds are taking a while to heal. Second, I’ve hallucinated twice so far. I walked downstairs one morning and saw someone sitting on my couch. I said, “Hello” to them, and they didn’t look up or respond. They were reading a magazine. I live with my sister and mom so I figured it was one of my sister’s friends as she often has people over, so I wasn’t too disturbed. They were there reading that magazine all day, and I was really confused. I began to think they were on some odd type of drug.

The next day when I came downstairs, they were still sitting there, though now reading a different magazine. They hadn’t changed clothes or anything, and they still wouldn’t respond or move except to flip pages. I asked my sister who was on the couch later that day, and she said that she hadn’t had anybody over. I think she thought I was kidding when I asked, but her response really freaked me out.

Third, I find it really difficult to think. Lately I’ve been unable to do most types of thinking or reasoning. I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve had such bad anxiety and panic attacks lately, and when I try to think about what could possibly be the cause I just zone out and stare into space. I stop thinking. Most of what people say to me now goes right through my head, and it’s kind of hard to find an appropriate response. Most of my conversations with people are relatively dull now; not because I’m bored or don’t want to talk to people, but my responses are just delayed and most of the people I acquaint myself with now know I’m trying to deal with this.

I’d like to say that my friends have been very helpful in helping me through this. They’ve been inviting me to do things a lot, and I spend most of my time with them, which is great because I love them all. Anyway, when I have panic attacks I feel comfortable and I’m able to call and ask people to come help me. So, I do have people that are watching me and making sure I’m okay, though nobody in my family actually knows this is going on (which I’m not really bothered by).

Fourth, I have chronic fleeting headaches. I have, usually, around five or six headaches per day that last about three hours each. This is part of what makes it really difficult to think. My head constantly hurts. It’s really difficult to cope with. Nothing helps, either; I’ve tried most forms of medication and nothing has helped even slightly. The headaches are very painful.

I’ve never heard voices or anything, so I don’t believe I actually have schizophrenia or anything. It just feels like I’m no longer in control of my body, I’m no longer acting like a human. When I’m alone, I spend my time scratching myself even while doing my hobbies (I do it subconsciously at this point), and when I’m with people, I spend my time staring off into space. It feels like I’m slowly drifting away from reality. What’s peculiar is that around certain people I can still manage to act normal, even if I feel like I’m not controlling my actions. Around my family, my actions are completely regular: I rarely zone out, I never scratch myself, and I can elicit appropriate responses from my mind. I’m still unable to think or focus on anything, though, so intelligent discussion is becoming increasingly difficult.

I’m still able to do certain tasks oddly well. Math is one example of this. The other day, I was driving home after getting dinner (while I was alone), and I started zoning out while I was driving. Just staring off into space. I was still driving correctly, staying in my lane, turning where appropriate, but I never looked away from the same spot. Anyway, while this was happening, I wasn’t thinking about what I was doing, I wasn’t thinking about anything – but I was still doing math in the back of my head. I managed to calculate 2⁴⁴ and 3²⁰ in my head through multiplication and I was able to keep track of all of the figures accurately. I checked when I got home if my answers were correct, and they were. I don’t understand how I was able to do it when I haven’t actually been able to reason through anything, but I did it. We’ve also had math exams recently, and I managed to get the highest score in my class, but the entire time I was taking the test I was zoning out. It feels like I’m able to complete tasks subconsciously but I’m not focusing on anything with my actual attention.

So, every day, I wake up, do my normal routine, go to school, usually scratch myself some there under the desk or something subconsciously, notice I’m bleeding, carry through the day, etc. I can act pretty regularly, my grades are doing well, and I manage to get through the day. Only, the entire time this is all happening, I cannot think or control my actions. It just feels like I’m wearing a mask. Nobody can tell I’m doing any of this, not even my own family. My friends didn’t know this was happening until I told them.

I went to see a psychiatrist about it, and they think it’s just really bad anxiety because of the stress I’m going through in life. Even though I was hallucinating, they told me that I should wait a few weeks and return to see if it gets any better after exams. It hasn’t still, even though I finished my exams, and honestly I’m not stressed about anything. I understand when things are going to be difficult, and I can tell when my body is increasing its effort, but emotionally, stress does nothing. If I know I have an essay due in a few hours that needs to be 2,000 words, I laugh, zone out, and it gets done. I don’t worry about anything and it just happens. What’s terrifying about this, though, is that I don’t think through any of my actions. I’m just afraid that I’m going to hurt someone or myself severely and not even realize what I’m doing because I don’t process anything anymore.

Thank you for your interest in this. If you have any more questions I’d be happy to respond; I’ll try to respond to all of you individually. It means a lot to me that you guys care.

Edit: As requested for some proof, these are some of the more recent scratches. http://i.imgur.com/6EshuR9.jpg

They're mild but very frequent. I have spots like these in various locations; forearms, upper arms, shins, shoulders and my neck. I can post more if required

For some reason I believe this is complete bullshit.

That's okay. I didn't plan on doing this, but a lot of people were curious. I don't know if anything here will help me at all anyway; it shouldn't actually affect me in any way.

Hope this makes you feel better, but you are not going crazy, you are simply thinking on a higher level. How old are you? What are your interests?

I'm not thinking, though. Consciously I do very little, which is upsetting because I use to find a lot of entertainment in sitting and thinking about the world.

I'm 17. I spend a lot of my time learning, still. I've been learning Korean. I do a lot of math, programming. I'm really interested in cryptography and it's what I hope to do when I'm older.