psychotrowaway

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.

Not really a question, just had a similar experience and wanted to share with you.

My family has a history of schizophrenia, the onset of which occurs either during puberty or around the 40ies. My grandmother, both my aunts and a cousin "lost their minds" at some point in their life. The sad thing is that none of them accept their disorder.

My mother has some mild fluoride phases where she becomes delusional and incoherent. Even though she was the one who put my grandmother and my aunt in a mental institution, she won't accept she might be affected as well.

I started losing my mind at age 12 (as far as I can recall), though I have occasionally hallucinated before that. By that time I was under a lot of stress. I was stuck in a shitty school were I was seriously beaten on a regular basis (had to be rushed to the hospital twice); was beaten and constantly yelled at at home; and had no friends since we had moved recently.

From time to time I'd hear my mom yell at me when she was not around (e.g. during class or when walking home from school). The voice was so real, I'd turn my head and flinch (that did not help with my popularity).

From then on everything went downhill. Like you, I'd zone out and do things "subconsciously"; I found it increasingly difficult to have a conversation since my mind would wonder or simply "turn off" despite the fact that I was making a conscious effort to stay focused. I started seeing things, having "false memories" like being absolutely certain some said or did something when in reality they didn't. I once spent the entire weekend writing a report on venomous snakes only to have my biology teacher ask me "what is this?" when I handed it over on Monday.

I left the country alone at age 17 (long story) and ended up in a boarding school. Once I was removed from my previous, highly stressful environment, the symptoms started to dissipate until they finally disappeared completely when I was 20. I regained my consciousness and intelligence. I was so happy when I passed the Uni entrance exams and would have the opportunity of doing something other than manual labor (throughout my teens, people constantly told me I was dumb. I believed it).

I've got a decent job as a software developer in a research institute and things remained more or less stable ever since. Occasionally, in very stressful situations, I'll have some thought intrusions and say something like "shuttup" out loud or slap myself in the face. Fortunately, I still have the self control not to do it in public.

Some years ago, I had "the talk" with my gf since she caught me slapping myself. I told her about my family's history with schizophrenia and that in 10 to 15y time I might lose my mind as well. We're still together :)

So far I had 3 acquaintances who "developed" schizophrenic symptoms in their late twenties and mid thirties. I sends shivers down my spine every time I hear about it because I know the same is likely to happen to me, and I know what is like to be insane.

Thanks man, and I'm sorry I intruded your AMA making it about myself. I never told this story to anyone except my gf; I never felt the need to.

But somehow after reading yours I fell compelled to share mine with you. It feels surprisingly satisfying to shared this with someone who had a similar experience.

Oh, and btw, get your brain checked. These symptoms might also be caused by something else, such as a parasite, infection or blood clot. It would be foolish not to rule those things out, first.

Thanks again man.