I Am Daniel O'Brien, the Head Writer of Cracked.com and author of How to Fight Presidents. Ask Me Anything!

What controversial opinion that you hold would do the most damage to your career and personal life if it became public?

Cracked.com's David Wong, everybody!

Are you writing this from a federal prison after today's column?

Nope! Writing it from the safety of my free country, which I love. America is best. America is life. Government is love. Flags for everyone!

Hi Dan!

You're a documented fan of Presidents and Spider-man, so I have to ask you Which President would make the best Spider-man?

Conversely, which Superhero would make the best President?

Ooooh, that's a good question. President Obama shares Spider-man's nerdiness, Lincoln shares his self-deprecating wit, Franklin Pierce shares his scrawniness (and Pierce and Parker were both followed by tragic loss their whole lives). Lot of solid options.

Super President would make the best President.

Hi DOB! I dressed up as you for Halloween a couple years ago and tagged you on Facebook. The fact that you responded made my year! I bought your book this morning, best of luck!

Hi Gretchen!

Daniel, I just want to wish you a huge success with the book. While I have you, may I ask you to punch my son on the arm for me? I believe you know who I mean...

I'm all over this, Cody's Dad.

I'm Portuguese and there is a general consensus that our president is an android created in a lab to drown us in melancholy. Does your book offer any help in fighting synthetic heads of state?

Is that seriously the general consensus?! Man, I don't know anything about Portugal.

Does Swaim really have a weird looking dick?

It's totally normal looking, it just hums constantly, which some people find off-putting.

How many prostitutes have you accidentally picked up in the last year?

• The Government

Source:http://www.cracked.com/blog/its-surprisingly-easy-to-accidentally-pick-up-prostitute/

This is going to sound hard to believe, but in 2013 I picked up my second accidental prostitute in Vegas.

What led to the recent influx of articles about more serious topics that are co-written by people on the inside? I really love it and I hope it continues

That's the brainchild of my former intern-turned-coworker-who-will-eventually-surpass-me Robert Evans. He's always been a journalist trapped in a comedy writer's body and we've found a way to bring his journalism instincts to Cracked. I'm glad you like the articles, they're some of my favorites.

Mr. O'Brien, what was your experience playing the iconic Charlie Brown on stage? How do you relate to the character?

This is one of my friends from back home but I can't tell who. I love you very much, as long as this isn't Caruso.

Hi there, Hollywood. Why have you chosen to spit on all the high school peers that voted you "Broadway Bound" and become an author instead?

I was operating under the assumption that "aspiring Broadway actor" wouldn't help my chances with women but that "presidential trivia scholar" would.

How do you respond to allegations that Cracked is unreliable and doesn't check their sources thoroughly when posting a history/science related article?

We do our best and have never claimed to be the final authority on anything. We've always thought of ourselves as a jumping-off point inspiring readers to do further research on their own.

Are you and Swaim pretty good friends? Are your guys personalities similar to the over the top characters you play on Cracked videos?

Michael and I are buddies for life. I trick him into clicking on this gif once every three months or so:

http://media.tumblr.com/cd60836a437cad9b44d4b26d1d3122a3/tumblr_inline_mtiwclTpr21rdx2qc.gif

You write about former presidents a lot. Where did your interest in them come from?

Also, if Andrew Jackson and Teddy Roosevelt were to fight, who would win?

I've been interested in presidents since I was a freshman in college, when my American Government professor told the class that no one in the room was going to grow up to be president. I was so fucking pissed that I went straight to the library, where I started reading about presidents. I thought if I read enough, I'd be able to isolate some common thread among all presidents. Figure out what they all had in common, apply it to myself, become president, tell my American Government professor to suck it, and then resign.

Obviously, I never became president (and never will, sadly), but that early fascination with presidents really stuck with me, so I just kept reading and writing about them and will continue to do so until the government inevitably shuts me down.

I'd go with Jackson in that fight because he's more desperate, which is very handy in a fight. BUT my answer will change tomorrow. I think about those two fighting all the time. More than I'm supposed to, frankly.

What's your ideal pizza?

Two pizzas.

Hi Dan! Loved Agents of Cracked and currently love After Hours, Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, and of course your articles.

How did you come up with your ideas for the Agents of Cracked episodes. So many of them were so utterly ridiculous (and hilarious) I always wondered how someone could come up with stuff like that. Also which was your favourite episode/part of AoC that you filmed?

Also are you actually as socially awkward in person as your character in After Hours/OPCD? Or is it exactly that, a character?

The idea-generation stage for AOC was super fast and fun. Michael and I were just starting to get to know each other and we didn't come into the brainstorm meeting with any expectations. It was really free and fast and fun and it felt like we were just throwing stuff at each other to see who would blink first, like a game of creative chicken. "What if Michael channels Blake from Glengarry Glen Ross because he poops too much?" "A normal episode, except there's a bomb in it." "Dan loves horses! An entire episode about horses!"

Plain and simple: Favorite TV show and why?

The Simpsons and obviously.

What is the best column you've ever written, and why is it Taxes Chainsaw Massacre?

That was certainly the most fun I've ever had writing an article.

What would you say has been the hardest subject for you to write about?

I was fed up with Jenny McCarthy going around telling people not to get vaccinations for their children years ago. I ended up writing like six different versions of this column because it's such a sensitive subject. On the one hand, I wanted to yell "SHUT THE FUCK UP JENNY McCARTHY," but on the other hand, we're dealing with autism, and children. And a lot of parents who are sad and scared and looking for someone or something to blame. McCarthy isn't, she's just an idiot. But a lot of these parents who believed her (and others like her) were just looking for closure and meaning in something that didn't lend itself to being tied up neatly with a bow.

I had a really hard time balancing "Don't listen to Jenny McCarthy because she's a crazy idiot" with the understanding that sometimes life is hard and people look for meaning wherever they think they might find it, and they're not ALL idiots for doing so.

Which Cracked writer would be the worst to be locked in a room with?

John Cheese, but only because his dick is actually skeletons.

Dear DOB,

I received a note from you informing me that you are my best friend (Exhibit A). However, I received another note from Cody saying that I am his best friend and that you are lying (Exhibit B). Please help! Can I have you both as my best friends?

(P.S.: Thank you, and the rest of the team for signing that book. It was totally awesome and made my day.)

I love your username, a lot. I'm here to tell you that, and to strengthen our friendship. And where's Cody? Where's Cody's commitment to you? Fucking nowhere.

What movie do you hate the most and why?

I'm an easy movie fan. Even when the movie is bad I still think "Whatever, a lot of people put a lot of work into a thing and then I got to sit down in front of a GIANT SCREEN, who cares, life is pretty, nothing's supposed to be perfect."

But sometimes I still wake up mad at Benjamin Button. It's the only movie I wanted to scream at in the theater. It's just so fucking shitty and suddenly it's about Hurricane Katrina? Shut the fuck up, don't pretend your stupid movie even means anything and why didn't Benjamin Button turn into a giant old-man baby at the end that's what you god damned promised me with this premise.

If you had to pick one cellmate, would it be David Wong or John Cheese?

John Cheese, but only because his dick is actually a skeleton key.

How old is your dog today?! Also, can you post cute photos and/or anecdotes about your dog?

He is two! He's such a good little guy. His name is Jackson President and was part of what ended up being a very important stretch of time for me. I ran my first marathon and then a week later, adopted him. A week after that, I sold this book. I make him wear sunglasses and he hates it! We go to the dog park every morning, except the first Saturday of every month, because that's apparently the official "Bring your pug to the park" day at my dog park, and neither of us want "He drowned in a heaving pug swamp" in our obituaries. He's my whole world.

In your earlier columns/articles you used to take on the persona of someone overtly abrasive/degenerative (albeit hilariously - i.e. sandwich guns, fucking with Jack O' Brien, cell phones specifically dedicated to calling hookers). Articles past the 2008/2009/2010 era seem to have much less of the obscene language and behavior.

Was that just a phase/experimentation in your writing style? Or have you come to a point in your career where taking on the identity of a crazy, obscene, narcissistic asshole (in a good way) just doesn't thrill you anymore?

There was some experimentation to it. It was a voice that I wanted to play with that didn't exist on the site. Then it stopped being fun and also didn't feel super authentic. Like, I started appearing in videos and my image (nerdy, balding, sweaty all the time) didn't seem reconcilable with the wild character from the columns. I just didn't buy it anymore.

How similar are you in real life to your "character" in After Hours?

We look a lot alike.

Hey DOB! If you could spend an hour with one president, which would it be? What would you do--fight them, just chat, etc? Also, what's the dynamic like in the Cracked office? Have a nice day!

I'd love to sit down and listen to Teddy Roosevelt. It'd be a reverse of what he did when he was president. He would invite thinkers and writers and speakers and other various intellectuals and just sit and listen to them to learn whatever he could, because he was just fascinated by people. I would love to just sit near him, let him talk and try not to get in the way.

Cracked is owned by a larger parent company. We always feel like the loud idiots in the office while everyone else is doing real work. All of Cracked is confined to a weird little hole in the back of the office. It's fine.

Hey Dan, out of all the places you did After Hours at, which place had the best food?

We've never eaten food from the actual diners, because the kitchens are closed when we film. The food you see is food purchased from a store and heated up on set. EVERYTHING IS AN ILLUSION.

Why is it so funny when you refer to yourself as Daniel instead of just Dan?

My boss Jack laughs every time I call myself "Daniel," like he thinks it's one of my best recurring bits. It's legitimately the name I prefer. He won't stop laughing.

How do you come up with your ideas for After Hours episodes?

(Also, I love you)

We all read a lot and write a lot and consume pop culture in any of the other ways one consumes things. Then we sit in a room and talk at each other until some kind of thesis forms. After Hours brainstorming sessions are just louder, longer and less coherent versions of the show.

I love you too.

Dan, I've wasted spent a good bit of time on Cracked. What are some of your favorite websites to peruse when you have time to kill?

I spend a stupid amount of time on Reddit. I also love The AV Club, Splitsider and Grantland.

DOB- I love you?

Please respond.

Vinfox- There you go again. I love you with a QUESTION MARK. You don't know what you want, you never have, that's always been your problem, everyone agrees.

How did you get to be such a cool guy and what can I do to emulate you better?

You already sound pretty cool to me, Sludgefactory.

How much non-work writing do you do on a daily basis? By that I mean writing either for your own pleasure or writing that you're not immediately planning on selling/turning into a book/reading for money on a street corner?

I'm always working on SOME non-Cracked stuff. Not, unfortunately, as much as I should. Four hours of non-Cracked writing on a bad week, ten on a good.

Hi DOB! Do you often get sexually suggestive comments and private messages? Does it compare with the amount I'm sure Soren Bowie gets? Or any of the women who publish online that you know?

Are you ever flattered, or just creeped out?

This is a true story, women just send Soren pictures of their butts all the time. He hasn't even written a column for us in months and he'll still just get butts.

No additional text in the emails or anything. Just a nice butt, sometimes with the word "Soren" written on it, I guess so the sender can guarantee that he knows it's for him.

[deleted]

An upcoming OPCD has a pretty dope double DOB ODB tribute.

What's the funniest way you've replied to a complaint about your columns?

I used to go into the back end of Cracked and change the names of negative commenters. Someone would write some angry, hate-filled message and I'd think "You're pretty cranky for a guy whose name is about to be 'PoopPoop.'"

hey daniel o'brien. why does a show titled "obsessive pop culture disorder" have its episodes out of order?

It's...meta?

ok, i'll accept a cop-out answer if you answer another question: what is your favorite kind of ice cream?

I am lactose intolerant.

Hey Dan I read cracked literally everyday. Your columns are always some of the best. I've already read your column from today and enjoyed. I also remember the column that got deleted. Hilarity. My question is how much of today's column was truth and how much was farce?

All of the column was true except some names have been changed and some of the dialogue probably isn't word-perfect.

What's the craziest idea anyone's submitted to Cracked?

Someone in the early days submitted a pitch that was just "I'm going to do a British accent and read rap lyrics, would that work?" And he sent over a sample before anyone got a chance to say "We actually don't do just audio files, here."

Thanks for replying! I really thought it'd have been me. Now that you do audio files, would you be willing to give the guy another shot?

But like why wouldn't we just get an actual British person to do that.

My fiancee asked me to ask you to come to our wedding. How busy is your September?

I'm fucking great at weddings, where is it?

Hey, remember when I was the receptionist and we were best buds?! I saved all the best candy for you. I miss your stupid face. - Ex-Demand Media Receptionist

I ate so many fucking Snickers under your watch.

[deleted]

That's incredibly sweet. Thank you!

Hi Dan! This is Ray from those email interviews a few years back. Thanks again for that, by the way, I really appreciate it. Sounds like you’ve been really busy since then, between your Cracked responsibilities and saving lives and whatnot.

Out of all the (personal or work-related) projects and ideas and creative endeavors you’ve been working on, what’s your biggest desire at the moment—what would you most like to see come to fruition?

Today’s article was a great read; it was nice to see another narrative from you. Which reminds me; thanks to you, it’s now one of my life goals to go to NJ and eat a fat sandwich. I just want you to know that. My eventual death is on your hands. Just know that I will die happy.

Oh, and Happy Birthday to Jackson!

Hi Ray!

About a year ago, I wrote a very weird ten-minute play because I was feeling creatively boxed in and wanted to write something that was completely unsellable and not for a wide audience at all. So I wrote a ten-minute play about a detective whose noir-style inner monologue is dramatized and projected on a screen that runs simultaneous to the action on stage. A femme fatale enters and it becomes clear that she can see, hear and interact with the detective's monologue.

And then it gets weirder and silly and stupid. My biggest desire right now is to put that stupid fucking show up somewhere, just to see if it works. I've already got Soren and one of the guys from 5SecondFilms (Paul Prado) on board to be in it.

The plan is for Michael Swaim to write a different but also weird ten-minute play, and then we'll find some theater dumb enough to let us take over for a little while.

Hey, Dan. You have an absolutely impressive amount of output for cracked and also writing books on your own time. What sort of creative schedule leads to that sort of productivity?

The not-having-a-social-life kind. I don't recommend it!

Hey Dan! When I first started visiting Cracked, I thought you were my friend from high school who shares a name with you. (This was prior to the video content.) I complimented him on his writing, and he of course had no idea what I was talking about. (You DO have similar senses of humor, so my mistake was understandable...plus I SWEAR I got to Cracked.com the first time via a link he posted.)

Congrats on the book! I just read your article about the SS interview, that's crazy...have you heard from them again since?

No! Let's all be cool about this.

Do you often find yourself getting lost in Soren's eyes?

His pupils are tiny butts.

So, there have been several times I've considered submitting articles to Cracked, but I never could find the time to finish the articles I started.

Before working at Cracked was your full-time job, did you ever have issues finding time to write? How did you deal with them?

Figure out how to make it happen and then make it happen. I did a lot of writing in class in college, when I was supposed to be paying attention. And when I was bartending, I would write stories in the notepad I was supposed to use for taking down orders.

Try not thinking about it as time that needs to be found and instead treat it as something that is part of you in the same way that eating and sleeping and taking care of yourself are part of you. You never ask someone "How did you find the time to eat," because most people treat eating as a given. Pretend writing is like that. If you want.

Hey D.O.B. Long time, first time. My question is this: If Swaim were to become the next Spider-Man, and inevitably turn evil, how would you take him down? This is important.

I don't want Swaim to be Spider-man, because it will hurt his chances to star in a DIFFERENT comic book series that I'm desperate to make happen. If anyone reading this makes important decisions, I want HBO to turn Y: The Last Man into a miniseries and I want Swaim as the star. Please.

What about fighting Vice-Presidents? I feel like this is also very important.

I don't know if I'd focus on fighting, but I've been toying with the idea of writing about all of the almost presidents. Vice Presidents and the other guys who ran so often and were so damn close but the right combination of events never came together. Henry Clay is a super interesting character, to me.

How has this video helped you with the ladies?

(sorry about the format the Cracked site wasn't letting me link it directly)

Source: http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-17-craziest-tweets-yoko-ono_p2/

Great question! It has not.

Hey, I think you're great, "Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder" is one of my favorite things. I'm also looking forward to purchasing and maybe even reading your book, "How To Fight Presidents" (free plug, you're welcome) whenever I can scrounge enough change together.

So are there any fiction novels in your future?

No one should scrounge for this book. PM your address, I'll send you a free copy. You won a contest, or whatever.

What is your favorite pop tart? Do you like toaster strudel? Are your possible competing loves for breakfast pastries a source of personal contention?

S'mores. I almost didn't answer this question because it's obviously S'mores, come on.

Hey Dan! I don't actually read cracked, but I always seem to miss the good AMAs, and since its the rules...If you had a chance to bang Whitney Huston or Marsha Brady, who would you choose?

Whitney, all day.

What does Robert Brockway smell like?

Science and rage.

Which conspiracy theory involving a president do you think is true?

There's a lot of evidence to support the fact that Harding was a stack of eight-year-old children in a trench coat.

Look.. I just like you a lot, okay?

Okay!

What's the most difficult part about writing and/or publishing a book? What's the easiest part?

Apparently some jag is stealing pitches out of our workshop, publishing them before we get a chance to and accusing US of plagiarism. It's sickening and annoying, but my rage for plagiarists has sort of calmed as I've gotten older and balder. Because people who plagiarize rely on other people's creativity and thoughtfulness, and that just seems like a really stressful and nightmarish way to live.

I'm also from NJ. Keep neurotic self-deprecating humor alive.

Also Obsessive Pop Culture turned out to be a good series.

A question: Every episode of After Hours has different writers for each character. Do the four of you have any input on your characters' or are they all written by others?

There's one writer for every episode. When you see a name credited "as Katie's Brain" or "as Daniel's Brain," that's the animator. Every character has a different artist that does the illustrations that augment the episode. Mine is Nedroid (Anthony Clark), Michael's is Winston Rowntree, Katie's is Starline Hodge, Soren's is Matt Barrs. They are all talented and lovely people.

You and your dog seem to be bros. Is he also an excellent wingman?

Probably? I never use him to try to pick up women because I care more about running around with my dog and making him happy than I do about getting laid, because I am a bad member of our species and am doomed to die having contributed nothing to the population.

How would the Spider-man movie franchise be different if DOB was the creative force/producer/all powerful godfather?

I'd have Brian Michael Bendis write the dialogue.

Hey DOB! I've been a fan of yours and Cracked's for a long time, and I'd like to think I've read as much of your work as the government has, but I have to tell you that I think my favorite piece of yours is Bartender. (Link: http://obrienfiction.blogspot.com/2007/04/prologue.html)

This paragraph had me raspily, breathlessly laughing like a cartoon dog:

I'd say she was about 5'9, but I'm terrible at guessing a person's height.. She could have just as easily been 5'4 or 6'3, for all I knew. I was almost %100 certain, however, that she wasn't a midget. And that's what's really important.

And Bartender kept getting funnier and funnier. So, do you have any plans to publish Bartender? Because I think it's on the level of Christopher Moore for funniness, and the world needs more funny books, as you've pointed out before. (Thanks for recommending Moore in your article on funny books by the way) Also, where do you get the ideas for your articles? Is it organic and something where you never have a dirth of ideas to write about? Or is it a struggle? Thanks for being a funny, sweaty person. Specifically for the funniness. The sweatiness is also funny, but it's not the primary tthing that makes you funny. (Your love of spider-man, who is clearly inferior to Batman, is the funniest thing about you)

Thanks for the kind words! I have very loose plans to edit and release Bartender some day, but I haven't had the time to really sit down and fix all of the many things that are wrong with it.

Do you still parkour?

I go to Tempest once every few months just because it's a fun way to exercise and humble myself straining muscles that I don't use/can't find.

DOB, I have been reading Cracked for years, and cannot thank you enough for all the giggles I've gotten reading your articles. It was a much needed break from having my nose against the grindstone(anatomy is no joke!!). That being said... Who is your favorite disney princess? :)

I don't think Meg from Hercules gets enough credit (though is she technically a princess?).

How's Tom doing? I used to be one of his students and he mentioned you all the time.

Super great!

Hi Mr. O' Brien! My question is pretty basic. I find that a certain kind of atmosphere helps put me into the mindset to write, or that I seem to be more creative when a certain music is playing, etc. Do you have a preferred environment to write in, or something in particular that helps get you into the zone?

I like putting on music that is easy to not pay attention to. I usually listen to the score of Sonic the Hedgehog on loop.

Who is a better Spider-man? Tobey Maguire or Andrew Garfield?

I like Garfield a whole lot more as Spider-man, I was just bummed that his movie was another origin story.

Goddamnit I was actually present for an AMA for someone I like and it was for the deleted thread.

What is your least favorite thing that's made it up onto the site? What is your shoe size? What is your favorite season of Arrested Development? What do you wish someone will ask you during this?

My least favorite thing that I've done for the site is probably the solid year where all I did was complain about Miley Cyrus. My shoe size is 10. My favorite season of Arrested is 2. I wish someone would ask me the exact questions that you asked.

I'm a huge fan of your articles! We both share a love of Spider-man, though I certainly can't say that mine matches yours.

Anyway, what are some of your personal favorite Cracked articles by other writers?

Jack O'Brien wrote a really weird article years ago called "Yer Gramma Was Built Like a Brick Shithouse" and I re-read it several times every year. Wong's stuff always makes me think and Seanbaby's stuff always makes me want to quit comedy because he's already written the funniest sentences.

Hey DOB!Congrats and good luck with your book! Who do you think would make a better current president, President Jackson the person or President Jackson the dog?(Happy Birthday!)

Thanks! I think my dog's tenure as president might not immediately be welcomed with open arms and paws, but history will vindicate the actions of his administration. President Jackson President's treat-based economy-- while controversial in its complete upheaval of the current system-- will yield sweeping dividends down the line.

Oh my god he's such a good little guy.

are we ever gonna get more episodes of Agents of Cracked?

it was my favorite thing

There have been some preliminary conversations.

I'm waiting impatiently right now to get home from work so that I can get your book from the mail and start it! You're one of my favorite people/writers ever in the whole world so I have a bunch of questions (sorry). What was the most difficult part of working on HTFP and what was your favorite part of the process? I haven't been able to see any of your standup because I live in Montana, but has that been successful enough to make traveling more for that a possibility, or would you want to do that? Also, do you still have your mug of pens? Thanks for everything!

Hi! Thanks!

Most difficult part of working on HTFP was probably the crippling self-doubt and what ended up being a very tight deadline. My favorite part was Winston Rowntree, my illustrator, whose work was so good it inspired me to try harder every step of way.

The mug of pens is on my desk!

You used to frequent a breakfast joint growing up called Olen's Place. WHAT DID THE "P" STAND FOR?!

Olen.