Hi Reddit. I am Crawlerz and I have not had a very interesting life (outside my numerous and painful disabilities all my life) but I posted some things to Reddit before and a couple of people suggested I do an AMA. Now I lived most of my life (that is to say ALL of my life) in a suffocatingly sheltered environment so I don't really know a anything about anything, so I decided to give it a shot on this subreddit where the atmosphere is a bit more casual.

A bit about me: I was born in Russia in 1983 and came to USA in early 1994. When I was 3 I had a fever spiking for a few weeks that didn't want to go down, and finally when I saw a doc I was told I had arthritis. Since then it's been going downhill nonstop. I stopped growing, in a couple of years I stopped walking (even on crutches) and then joint damage set in. Now I cannot straighten my legs and my hands and fingers look hideous and are weak. After I came here (to USA) I was given prilosec daily for my ulcer not to bleed (again) because of all the harsh crap I was taking for years and years (mainly prednisone). Noone told me prilosec should not be taken more than a couple of months and may lead to calcium deficiency... A couple of years later severe back pain and an XRAY showed I had a fracture. In a couple months it got unbearable and fractures because severely painful (I could actually hear the celery-like crunch inside me when it happened). Over a to year period I suffered over 2 dozen compression fractures and was unable to even sit up. I honestly do not know how I pulled through, but I did. It was a dark time for me. If I had the least bit of strength I would have suicided without a doubt. A couple years after I pulled through, I finished high school with honors (I was home schooled here and in Russia because leaving the house presents a lot of problems for me.) and a couple years after that I found I had trouble swallowing/breathing so went to an ENT and found a gigantic cyst in my throat that was closing off most of my passageways. It was the very first time I had surgery done (actually they had to go in twice because the first time they just hoped to drain it, but it turned out to be solid so they left it in and tried again 2 days later.) Major props to my surgeon - a very skilled man who stayed with me for 5 hours trough each of the 2 surgeries and did not mess up anything! (There were obvious problems because of my small stature, and my brittle bones/neck that they were afraid to manipulate so as not to leave me paralyzed and such). He accomplished everything and very well. He deserves a medal.

Since then I have "found" youtube and started doing commentaries more and more frequently. At first I was severely shy. I froze when it came time to speak into the mic or with anyone I wanted to play with online. I don't use the phone unless the house is on fire.

Why youtube, you may ask? Well because it gave me an outlet and it is a chance to have fun and poke a little humor here and there. It also sort of helped me come to terms (even if not completely) with my voice (of a 7yo girl).

As you can imagine, I did get a few disgusting comments about my voice at first, but having made a commentary about my shitty existence, people seem to have started taking me a wee bit more seriously. Since then I've gained a lot of subscribers and my channel is steadily but slowly growing (a incredible shot in the arm happened last summer when Robbaz the king of vikings commented on this video and the viking army stormed through my channel leaving nothing but broken chairs and spilled mead. I got an all time record of 250 subscribers that day!!! Since then I've gotten partnered (with a small-time very green shitty network unfortunately).... so let's see where we go from here. Also edit today Chaboyy commented on one of my videos - so my day is pretty much made.

proof if you want: http://imgur.com/p51CdXC

my WTF hands (especially my right one): http://imgur.com/xl4HoPd


Comments: 162 • Responses: 62  • Date: 

gerryhanes12 karma

Doesn't it suck to be 30? I am too

crawlerz246812 karma

it does. biology is calling mah name!

pat13110 karma


crawlerz246815 karma

nothing actually. nothing meaningful, because most of the time I have too much stiffness and pain to survive. am trying out this partnered youtube thing - hoping it will turn into something - even a little income. I don't care if it's tiny, as long as it's constant

pat1315 karma


crawlerz24686 karma

thanks! so far it's only enough to buy BK once a month

zombie_dragon3 karma

You play video games, have you tried farming or whatever and selling the characters?

crawlerz24682 karma


not sure I am familiar. explain?

Royal-Al2 karma

How many views are you getting a month? Because it seems you should be making considerably more than that if you're pulling 30-50,000 views a month unless your network is completely ripping you off.

crawlerz24683 karma

I'm getting about 30-35 000 views a month and as a general rule I don't see networks really helping channels out that are under them. they mostly just make money off you and provide like emergency backup support, maybe free music if you're lucky. unfortunately I joined a very small very green network when I should've held out for something bigger like machinima or fullscreen or broadbandTV. maybe at least the pay would be better. but really networks don't help spread your videos... I mean who the hell reads their twitter anyway?

Royal-Al2 karma

You could apply for a youtube partnership without a network. I agree, at this point networks generally are not needed unless they offer some supreme benefits for people with large channels. In any case, I do not know your contract but if you can get out from it, you will probably be making at least double what you are now.

crawlerz24681 karma

yes - but I'm a little afraid of dealing with adsense directly. I know they ban most accounts even before their first payout and at the very first hint of what they think is impropriety

gimmeSUMdoge9 karma

/u/crawlerz2468 Try medical marijuana since you are in the US. It can really alleviate some of your pains. And take it seriously, I'm not recommending you get stoned and forget you are in pain.

crawlerz24688 karma

I fucking would - I don't think it's legal in PA yet though?

malcolypse7 karma

Kudos on your attitude, most wouldn't make it to acceptance and humor with your past, you're a hell of a man.

Do you have any basic advice for others who have become disabled, how to get through/accept it and learn how to go on with your life, whatever limits it may have?

crawlerz246814 karma

hm... idk if I should be giving out advice. I'm having a hard time as it is. my parents are awful people, I live at home (unfortunately) and it's plain all around weakness, pain, and misery.

I do have a wonderful dog though. I love her to death (more than any human). my advice is get adopt a pet - they will love you forever. also find a hobby. I like to build model planes. it can be anything corny as long as it takes you away - like video games. who's wasting his life now, huh, dad?! stillme

notimeforidiots7 karma

How have you fared with the ladies?

crawlerz246811 karma

I haven't. Hell I don't even get to see live people of exit the damn house unless I get help from the likes of my dad or something to transport me. Internet is my window to the world

notimeforidiots6 karma

Well, maybe you will find love on reddit. Maybe even in this AMA.

crawlerz24685 karma


JEMerc3 karma

I was gonna ask why don't you leave your house but then I realized I do the same shit.

crawlerz246812 karma

graphics on my monitor are waaaaay better anyway

maxhooper2 karma

whats your favorite porn site? since you must be a connoisseur...

crawlerz24685 karma

lol good one. nah I don't really have a porn site that's "favorite". I troll about every other day just searching googling. maybe the big list of porn of fuskator but I'm not a connoisseur

Omegaile2 karma

Wait... You're 30... That means you are a Wizard!

Unless of course, Dwarves can't be wizards.

crawlerz246818 karma

I'm a level 4 grand master dwarf. that's better than a wizzard

Derails7 karma

This might be a bit touchy, but you said you're open to it all -- would you rather have a serious mental disability (such as schizophrenia) or have a physical disability?

crawlerz24686 karma

good question. I probably would be very much afraid of a mental disorder (even a functioning one) - because fuck knows what kind of hell would that be. 1 thing scares me like no other in this world - life as a vegetable. I cannot do that. my family has very bad genes health-wise. my mother is arguably bipolar. he father was always sick with something. my other grandparents each have cancer and my grandmother has diabetes other weird shit. she's a fat stupid obnoxious cow. I apologize to cows. my dad has psoriasis (which is likely the cause of my fucked up existence)

itsorange1 karma

30 and you've still got grandparents. Not that bad.

crawlerz24682 karma

yeah they're old as you might expect and have cancer so... probably not for long

Chispy5 karma

Keeping in mind the accelerating social, political, cultural, and technological changes that are happening, where do you see humanity in 50 years?

crawlerz24685 karma

Hopefully I'll be dead by then. That's the best improvement I can think of. No meaningful improvements will come within me lifetime

ithreadalotofscrews5 karma

Hey man. 21 year old living with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Ulcerative Colitis here. So many feels towards you. Having any form of degenerative arthritis is the worst. Hold on brother, much love <333

crawlerz24683 karma

goddamn you man. yes - much kudos to you

lespaul22135 karma

Favorite color?

crawlerz246810 karma

blue. I've been told it goes with my eyes. Ihavespecialeyes!

Jugg3rnaut3 karma

Hey I'm posting this as a reply to your comment so you get a notification otherwise you won't see it, but you should try software development. Many companies allow you to work from home, you never have to show up at a physical location, you can start learning at any point in your life (you just have to be good at logic and math and stuff) and it pays really, REALLY good money.

crawlerz24682 karma

I used to love math and took a couple of programming courses in high school as well as on my own... trouble is right now (I'm strongly thinking this is a side effect of all the meds I've been taking for 27 years) I have short term memory problems and sometimes basic math takes me a while. it's really pitiful. I mean I used to be good! I read the 11th grade geometry textbook in my spare time in the 7th grade (and this was a Russian textbook, not American namby-pamby shit with pictures and glossy paper)

JEMerc5 karma

What would you say is the hardest part of having your condition?

crawlerz24689 karma

the humiliation of having wait and have someone help you through anything and everything. to be 100% dependent on someone that if they just take off you're literally dead

JEMerc4 karma

Who are you usually dependent on?

crawlerz24687 karma

well my dad if I need to get out of the house just sort of lifts me up (obviously not a picnic). my grandmother came to USA about 10 years ago and she been instrumental in my surviving the horrors of spinal fractures. she mainly started cooking homecooked food every day. w/o her idk where I'd get good food.

groggboy5 karma

Why do Russians drink so much

crawlerz246812 karma

seems right when we do it

rock_sailor5 karma

"I'm not touchy about the subject" how did you reach to this conclusion? neighborhood isn't nice though.

crawlerz24687 karma

this came about because my overbearing mother has all my life tried to distance me (literally) whenever she talked about me - even becoming hostile sometimes. but where she became hostile every time a new doc or nurse asked about my condition or history, I suddenly realized that I really don't mind or get hurt talking about this - at least not to her imagined extent. as you can see I've lead a super sheltered life so the box I found myself in was built by her.

tizzyizzy4 karma

Hello! Now, I'm going to attempt to make this as non-cliche as possible. But really, you seem like quite the lovely person, and from what I can tell, you have some incredible self-strength that I seriously admire. It has been wonderful to read about someone like you. Thanks much!

crawlerz24683 karma

Dude thanks for saying

HokutoNoChen4 karma

do you play dota 2

do you main Tiny?

crawlerz24684 karma

I've not played dota 2, although I've been told I should by others. I used to love piloting planes with good realism. IL-2 Forgotten Battles was fucking EPIC! it literally spoiled me for any other flight sim out there. DCS is good but goddamn hard

theinfamous994 karma

Do you watch Game of Thrones and if so is Tyrion Lannister your fictional hero? He's one of mine for sure.

crawlerz24685 karma

Do you watch Game of Thrones

I do not. are they on netflix? if so, I'm there

Phyrion013 karma

Game of Thrones is nothing short of awesome, and Tyrion Lannister (the resident dwarf) is probably one of my favorite characters in it. I know a lot of people feel that way.

You really should check it out.

crawlerz24683 karma

OK I will

spvcecvdet1 karma

The books are really good as well. Not sure if you read but if you do I would check them out.

crawlerz24681 karma

aye. reading on me iPad is so much more convenient. except I hate iDevices.

Haharight4 karma

Did you notice people treating you differently since GoT started airing?

crawlerz24684 karma

I don't really see other human that often. I go months without leaving the house - it's really fucking difficult.

Eldrazi3 karma

How often are you offered what may be considered a demeaning job for your condition? Ex: Christmas Elf, Dwarf extra for a movie, etc.

I've always wondered this.

Also, what benefits do you find you have over others because of the condition?

crawlerz24689 karma

I'm not offered any job because I don't leave the house LOL. too weak and stupid I suppose.

no benefits that I can see right now. it's just pain morning to night. maybe the fact that I don't work? although I gladly would if it meant I'd be healthy

Eldrazi2 karma

What sort of things do you do to keep your mind off all that pain? I know myself having a relatively low pain threshold (I can't even wash my hands in slightly above luke warm water without twitching in pain) that I could not deal with that.

crawlerz24685 karma

gaming takes me away temporarily. if it's just low level shiz. when I had spinal fractures - it was indescribable. they gave me morphine shots to use intramuscular-ly - they burned like fire and did NOTHING. fucking useless twats.

dog is also a huge help. something that loves you unconditionally that will stay with you and be petted.

Mattyhandier3 karma

Such a rough story, as ridiculous as it may sound hopefully things can start looking up for you in the future. Just watched one of your youtube videos and can honestly say that it was an pretty entertaining watch so I'll keep an eye out for future uploads. Hopefully the partnership will pay off for you at some point, buddy. =]

crawlerz24687 karma

Hopefully the partnership will pay off for you at some point, buddy.

me too. I rushed into it - joined a loser network though.

taffboy133 karma

I hope you have a long and happy life.

crawlerz24685 karma

let's not say something we can't take back

ravenlocks3 karma


crawlerz24686 karma

on PC?bad company 2, bf3, bf4, a tiny bit of racing. I honestly am on the fence with titanfall. yes the beta was fun but cmon $60 for a 6v6 game? with no destructability and sorta COD-like? (I'm a battlefield fanboy)

ghsioghsfe3 karma

Do you ever feel like the world is against you? How do you find meaning in life?

crawlerz24685 karma

How do you find meaning in life?

I don't. it's an existence at best. this is no life. "life's a pitch. then you buy it." the great Billy Mays

world may very well be against me, but I don't give a shit. I'm not trying to please anyone. what sickens me if more often than not, my own parents are against me. that I did not expect growing up. turns out assholes are everywhere. even in your family.

maxhooper2 karma

What is your best piece of advice you could give someone, disabled or not, that you have derived from your experiences in life? It can be about anything, but something you believe your story has taught you in particular.

crawlerz246810 karma

one thing that comes to mind - even before all this shit is think before you have children. do not just have kids because you "want kids". look at your family history, get screened for diseases. even with my messed up existence, my little brother had photosensitive epilepsy as a kid (started around the same time I became sick - also at 3) - so very obviously there's something wrong with my parents. they didn't think. I am very angry at that. they messed up their kids' lives forever (thankfully he outgrew his problems. I didn't).

also - adopt a dog. as my father said (he had stray cats and a couple dogs growing up) adopted pets will love you forever. and it's true.

don't give up. never give up. no matter what. live kicks you in the nuts? start swearing like a lumberjack who hacked off a limb and continue

mrsworser4 karma

i appreciate you being honest and brave enough to say this. for years I've watched my parents cope very differently to my (very younger) brother's various health problems. they never admit that they regret having him, but i know they do because of what he goes through. they had him by accident, btw, they thought they were too old to get pregnant. my father feels guilty and wallows in sorrow. my mom can't face her guilt and instead gets angry and resents not being able to enjoy retirement like her friends and siblings can at their age. they love him dearly but they cannot reconcile the issue of having a child who will knowingly suffer for years, maybe forever.

thank you for saying what you said ^ because it's very real and people don't have the balls to talk about it.

crawlerz24685 karma

This is another god point you make. My brother is 14 years my junior and my sister is 16 years my junior. I don't care how fucking politically correct or feminist you are, having kids after 35 puts their lives and their health at risk. You are giving birth to a person that may be sick the rest of his life, because you are too stupid or stubborn and selfish to only "want a kid". This is not an excuse!

maxhooper3 karma

thats some good shit. just heard your commentary as well, and dude, there does not exist a better voice for youtube commentaries. flat out. inspired by your story. peace

crawlerz24683 karma

thank you, random redditor.

unknowndatabase2 karma

Has assisted suicide ever been an option? What are your thoughts on the subject in any case?

crawlerz24682 karma

it would be - if I ever saw people or talked to them.

Hows_the_wifi2 karma

hows the wifi?

crawlerz24684 karma

Shitty and crappy especially with the sheer amount of vireless devices. Comcomunists throttled me horribly. Switched to FiOS and bought a 5GHz router so I could have an interfierence free line. Somewhat better but still not wired quality. Again I'm limited by my mobility. If I could stand up, I'd just wire it up

BuggaloBill2 karma

What has you experiences taught you? Expand if you want.

crawlerz24684 karma

it has taught me that doctors can be morons, sometimes even dangerous, in any country. and most importantly of all family is not immune to being assholes. that one I didn't expect tbh, but they will kick you when you're down.

life's lesson: you cannot depend on anyone

BuggaloBill3 karma

As I sit here thinking of something...idk...profound or nice or sentimental to say towards your situation I think of another question;

Is there anything that you hate to hear people say to you, in regards to pleasantries?

crawlerz24682 karma

Hm good question. I hate when people take one look at me and decide I'm 10. If they do, I like to fuck with them. Was in a movie theater for like over two hours once and at the end when everyone's leaving some dumb cow drops "oh look! The kiddie has endured to the end!" grrrrr

ZZZlist2 karma

You seem very sweet. Thanks for doing this AMA.

Do you have any siblings? If so, are they of average height?

crawlerz24682 karma

I have a brother and a sister nearly half my age. Yes they're normal, praise the flying spaghetti monster. He did have photosensitive epilepsy when he was a kid though and it came about also at 3 yo as did my problems. He outgrew his, I didn't. This is why I'm saying it's important to think on family history and get screened before having kids

ThatsNotGucci1 karma

Я хотел бы знать, говорите ли по-русский?

crawlerz24681 karma

ещё бы! конечно - хотите поговорить, добавьте меня в steam - crawlerz246

qbak1 karma

You know I have met many Russian / Slavic people in life. I have the impression that they tend to be sort of negative. Is that your impression as well?

crawlerz24681 karma

negative how? pessimistic? maybe. it wasn't an easy life back home, the little that remember so some people may have that baggage still

FatRexhadSwag1 karma

are you offended by the term "midget"?

crawlerz24681 karma

I really don't know - I'm not that touchy talking about it, it's just that the term is mighty stupid

myotherlog1 karma

Oh, I have questions.

Does being a dwarf qua renter health problems?

How so people treat you? What is the worst, and what is the best?

What is getting a job like?

I imagine most men prefer a shorter woman, is this the case for you as well?

And the most personal of all, does the body size effect the penis? The most curious rumor I ever heard was that the more compact a guy looked (short but thick muscles and all) the thicker and longer the junk. What would you say?

I wanna hear it all, so please feel free to go on about anything you wanna say. I'd treat you to coffee if you live in az

crawlerz24681 karma

let's see. no one really officially ever told me that I was a dwarf actually - I kinda gathered that one. with all my other health problems I was sorta always too sick or too young to notice it though. as far as job/women/people treating me some way - I really don't have experience because I don't get out of the house much, and if I do it's because my father lugs me to and from the car/wheelchair like a sack of shit.

and the piece de resistance. my dick is normal size for my body I suppose - I mean it's just as scaled down as the rest of it. would be weird if I was a trypod. here is is http://imgur.com/z2P4p94 [NSFW] OBVIOUSLY. sorry no banana for scale but according to a ruler it's about 3.75"

myotherlog1 karma

I couldn't look! I'd only take someone's word for it, if I had to ask in the first place. I'm one of the few people who's "modesty" applies online or anonymous, as well s it would in person.

Are you a game of thrones fan? Read the books? Enjoy creepy pasta? Ever seen the "don't hug me when I'm scared" videos? The most recent really fucked with my head.

From what I see, I think we have similar taste in humor, although yours may be a bit darker. Tell me if I am wrong, but I would place you at enjoying almost all humor, but favoring dry and parodies when done right.

And did you read about this law they are trying to pass in az? Sb1072. I'd rather the state claim we are gods chosen people, and must have our butts wiped by Mexicans. So embarrassing. If it passes, I'll start a church I know liberals will join.

crawlerz24682 karma


no I have not. explain?

I did not see GoT yet (I know I'm way behind the times). believe it or not I don't have too much free time on my hands, and when I do I try to watch good series (right now binge watching House of Cards season 2, before was watching Breaking Bad like a maniac).

believe it or not, I am a paranoid person when it comes to privacy (or at least used to be before this photo?). that and growing up basically without leaving my apartment or house in like ever - it screwed my world understanding a bit.

myotherlog1 karma

I can see the paranoid, I was that way and would randomly gamble.

What do you do? I'd imagine you'd have some kind of work at home job, even if on and off.

And I think I meant an 1062. Basically, it allows people to refuse service (maybe more?) based on religious beliefs. If I owned a restaurant, I could refuse service to anyone. Tell them I will not hire them, because the got a divorce. Enforce a women in ankle length skirts dress code. And it just opens doors for ignorant asshole who hate because their family line did, or want to blame normal economic fluctuations on a Mexican with a shovel. I worked an at home office for a bit while babysitting (I wasn't filling even one of that woman's shoes) and handed these "cartel drug mules" their pay. Not one didn't look light they were waiting for INS to pop out, because I was a new face. They kept glancing around. They know they are surrounded by people who hate them and can get rid of them. Now the steps are started for other groups unfavorable to white Christian males. An inch is a mile to the extreme conservatives. This is the same state a senator was shot for being liberal. Literally just being democrat in az.

crawlerz24682 karma

WTF?! that's complete horseshit. how can people be this dumb? even considering this BS.

as far as work - I don't have any. right now I'm mildly successful on my youtube channel and got partnered a little over a year ago - so I'm hoping it can turn into a tiny income - even if just enough to but a PC game here and there.

myotherlog1 karma

Have you thought about twitch as well? Some people make a great living. I think the secret is just always be available or constantly uploading.

crawlerz24682 karma

I looked into Twitch. but they don't allow monetization unless you got 100K subs I believe and it's pointless spending that much resources for free (I tried livestreaming thru youtube - it was horribly laggy. nonplayable)

myotherlog1 karma

My email is [email protected], if you wanna keep in touch.

crawlerz24682 karma

ok. do you have steam? I'm there all the time and chatting's easier cuz I don't use MS msg or skype

add me crawlerz246

bpetrie881 karma

two questions:

1) Have you ever grown a full beard or thought about wearing silly hats? and,

2) Do you live in a normal sized house or is it "dwarf sized"?

crawlerz24682 karma

legit questions all of them.

I never really though of growing a beard but maybe I should. I don't have silly hats

I live in an oversized 2 story house with my dreadful parents. although we try to exist on different planes.

bpetrie881 karma

Thank you for responding! It wasn't until after I posted that I saw the AMA had completed. If you do grow a beard, please make a post with it.

crawlerz24681 karma

I still kinda answer questions... but yeah I guess it's been nearly a day - idk if there are time constrains here

theshadowofdoubt1 karma

What's the process for receiving disability like? Are you satisfied with the services available to you?

crawlerz24681 karma

I get SSI (or rather my mother gets it and hides it from me) and I don't really get any services because again getting out of the house is a chore (and I need my dad to lift me in the car and drive me and obviously he has work. benefits of living out in the boondocks) but even if I did - what good would that do? my legs will never be straight again. so fuck it

mjh841 karma

Who were you rooting for in the Olympics...Russia or USA?

crawlerz24685 karma

Russia definitely. not because I want USA to lose anything. because I feel like Russians need to believe in athletes again. they need to be proud of their achievements - after everything was fucked up in the 90s and all arenas and clubs became fucking markets.

moldyfig1 karma

Look into applying to your county's paratransit system. You should be getting SSI sent to your own bank account.

crawlerz24681 karma

You should be getting SSI sent to your own bank account.

hindsight is 20/20. I never imagined in my wildest dreams I'd get fucked by my own mother.

Garry-The-Snail1 karma

Have you ever had sex?

crawlerz24681 karma

technically no. mean whom with?

wh5771411 karma

what do you mean by "technically no"?

crawlerz24682 karma

"technically no"

John_Q_Deist1 karma

Here's my honest, ask anything question:

Given your pain/disability, do you at least get the good drugs? I know trees have already been mentioned, but I'm talking opiods.

crawlerz24681 karma

oh christ this is a constant fucking uphill battle! insurance companies constantly try to deny me (and it's not like 'm a pill popping addict. don't even have painkillers now). but things like prilosec I need in brand form or my stomach starts hurting like a motherfucker. I constantly have to prove this shit!

John_Q_Deist2 karma

Sorry to hear that man. I'm surprised that brand name is different from generic, though. I always thought they were identical.

crawlerz24681 karma

it's fucking nightmare. having to prove every few months that I need this shit in a flurry of phone calls and emails and... facepalm

IvanPistoff1 karma


crawlerz24681 karma

because it was russian and used to wear an ushanka hat?

allahsnackbars0 karma

Have you ever had sex with your mom?

crawlerz24687 karma

lolololol. no but ty for asking