IAmA father falsely accused of abusing his twin daughters who won!

Any idea why she would make this awful lie up? To get you to lose custody? Or just to be evil and ruin your life?

Congrats on clearing your name!

As with most things in life it's multi faceted. She has some major control issues and I think the thought of not being in complete control of the girls in a split custody situation is terrifying to her. I also suspect she herself was abused in her childhood. You combine that with the know how and the thinking I would just cave in and give up and you have my case.

Thank for the congrats. Unfortunately, I still have a closed domestic violence cases sitting out in public record but i've got my girls back

Have you looked into getting the records sealed/expunged?

I can have them sealed but not expunged sadly.

You were married to this woman and you're not aware whether she was abused or not?

Some shit is buried deep, like way down deep. Kinda how the cycle perpetuates itself I think.

Far too nice, Slander is still a civil charge you could bring against her and I suggest you research it.

I've thought seriously about it that's for sure and spoken to my attorney. This thing only recently got finished too, the first priority was getting my girls back. There were also several institutions up here who broke a ton of ethic codes due to her being involved in the psychology field. A malpractice suit might be in my future as well.

I'm going to go ahead and say that this would be a good idea... And you might want to reconsider letting your ex wife have 50/50 custody. If she is as damaged by her control issues as she seems to be (judging from what you've written), she will eventually do something to turn your daughters on you, hurt them in some way (maybe not physically) to keep them under control, or even turn them into huge control freaks themselves.

Having a mother figure is important, but it has to be the right one. Not having a mother around will do less harm than having a crazy (excuse wording) one.

Yep. Making the case will take time and money and my sainted girlfriend and I have been building evidence under the guidance of my attorney. She is also really really good on the stand and perfectly willing to lie under oath. I would need to get a good stack going in other words.

For now, I record every conversation with her that's not in text or email and always always take the adult side. The last thing any judge wants is to see the legal system being used for vengeance with kids as the leverage.

Its good to see your building a case. I really hope it goes well.

Vengeance? No, I'm talking about justice and protection for your girls.

If you can prove that she has lied on the stand, I'm pretty sure she looses all credibility as a witness. I'm guessing your lawyer already told you this and that this is why you record everything.

Again, best of luck.

Luckily her lie was very provable based on her testimony during early hearing and our discoveries later.

Just time, effort and money and i'll be going forward once things look hopeless. I tend to believe the best in people most of the time so i'm hopeful the bat shit clears outta her system. Doubt it, but hopeful and guarded.

Thanks for the encouragement :)

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Criminal charges require a grand jury and thankfully up here there never were any criminal charges. I tend to think the justice system worked for me. I got my day(s) in court and every professional who reviewed my case immediatly returned a big fat negative. The trouble is there just aren't enough resources for the case load we have. there are only 2! custody investigators up in my part of Alaska serving a giant area. It took for 6 months alone for the CI to do their report.

I think we need to stop, as a society, arresting everyone for every minor thing. The courts are a machine chewing through DUI's and drug possession charges which leave little room for major things that really affect people.

As I said above though, it's important to take your time with kids. Damn important.

I hate to take away from your story and I'm really glad you decided to share as I had a very similar thing happen to, almost exactly word for word. It started with false domestic violence allegations and ended up with false molestation allegations after my ex began to feel like she was "losing".

Looking at both of our experiences, I ended up with pretty much the same amount of custody, still have to pay child support, drive a couple hundred miles to pick my daughter up (my ex moved away illegally and which was the reason we were back in court in the first place) and even though my ex was proven to be nothing but a liar, she faced absolutely zero consequences for her life ruining behavior. Even after getting a fair share of custody, I still don't feel that the situation was a "win" at all.

Anyone who is willing to destroy the lives of someone and their children is not fit to be a parent.

You're not taking away at all! Similar stories and support is why I took the risk of posting this. WE'RE ALL PART OF THE SAME COMPOST HEAP! :)

Do you have custody now? I would count that as a win, your children will see you fought and grow from it.

Yeah, like you I ended up with 50/50 shared custody after a couple thousand dollars worth of lawyer and court fees, a year on supervised visitation, and immeasurable amounts of grief, anger, sadness and despair.

And you know what? It was worth it. Not only for my daughter, but it was a huge psychological blow for me ex who frequently and proudly stated on several occasions that she has always had "full custody".

In addition, I've seen that you touched upon it in several other threads where people asked you why you thought your ex did it. Other than being a despicable human being, I too ran many scenarios in my head about why she did it (none of them ever justified). One thing I would like to add as a possible reason is that a divorced dad without his kids is just another divorced dad. However, a mom who doesn't have custody makes people automatically think that she has done something terrible. If your ex was anything like mine, she cared a lot about what other people thought of her.

Again, thank you for sharing your story. Even with an excellent lawyer I felt alone many times during the ordeal and even still suffer from PTSD I feel as a result. Glad you were able to gain a semblance of custody like I did.

Yeah the run was a hard one for sure. I spent about a month or two sleeping maybe 2-4 hours a night jumping at every car that drove by. After awhile you start to even wonder if you should just give up and maybe the nightmares will go away. Winning was worth it.

I'm glad you know it was worth it, your daughter will see the truth given time.

What were the accusations?

Did friends/family stick by your side?

The accusations were based on something one of my daughters supposedly said in the store "spontaneously" while shopping in front of my ex and her friend. My daughters are very smart and have incredible vocabularies for their age. Given that and what looks like some coaching from my ex wife, a trained psychologist, you have a shit storm.

Missed your other question :)

It's times like this that you find out who your real friends are. My family at first didn't want to believe it and it wasn't until I was presented with the restraining orders that they really came around. My retainer was paid by my father who to this day won't speak to her unless he has to.

perhaps this movie is based on your life story then: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2106476/

Well we would need to change my occupation, make my daughters boys, and have my leg get snapped in two as the starter of the divorce. I'm afraid this isn't an uncommon story as we've seen even just in this post.

Why did it take so long? Couldn't the twins have just testified that they hadn't been abused?

They were 3 and 4 at the time, the courts of Alaska, correctly in my opinion, do not consider them able to be witnesses. Instead they are given a "forensic interview" by someone trained in interviewing young children about potential abuse.

They were 3 and 4 at the time

How are your twin daughters different ages?

:) The case occured through their birthday. I lost their 3's and early 4's

So nothing came out of them being interviewed then?

It turns out in cases like mine, with girls as young as mine, they ask rather specific questions about the setting and the scene to guage if it really happened. My girls could recall nothing of the sort of course. They both denied the allegations when asked in a neutral setting almost right away.

So what made it take 2 years, when you had both of them acknowledging that you never abused them? Seems dumb that they both testified against, but that one bitch could keep 3 others involved in legal issues for 2 years...

There are a host of reasons really.

• A clogged legal system chewing people up with every arrest
• A major shitstorm in the courts up here with some corruption at the time and a lack of judges
• A lack of custody investigators (kinda like the courts kid PI's)
• A need to go slow and make sure because well it's fucking kids and we need to make damn sure.

I could go on but really it was because they were 3 at the time of the accusation. Try asking a 3 yr old what he/she had for dinner 1/2 hour later and see how it goes :)

Good for you.

When my parents' marriage had just fallen apart, my mother did the following:

accused me (14F) of sleeping with my dad;

told my brother (8M) of the above;

accused my dad of molesting my brother.

Thank God she never said any of this craziness to an outside party.

I have a friend who's wife worked in the child abuse investigation field. She even ended up recusing herself when my ex was in there making demands at one point. He tells me our western culture is one of the only ones in the world who use children as weapons to hurt others, it's fucked up when you really think about it.

Gotta be something in the water. Thanks Obama...

I'm so sorry it happened to you, i'm glad you were old enough to be able to see the bullshit and hopefully you helped your brother.

That really resonates about using children as weapons. I remember one time when I was about 11, my mother and I having a row as per usual. She went into another room, dragged out my brother and said to me HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO [FLIFCAT'S BROTHER]?

I wasn't really able to help my brother, something he and I discussed recently (also the first time I heard that my mother told him about the 'flifcat's sleeping with dad' fantasy). I hope he never heard that my dad was accused of molesting him.

Dad moved out and I followed him after a few months, but getting my brother out simply wasn't practical. He was too young. At least my mother's rage wasn't directed towards him although he did have to listen to her paranoid ramblings.

All of us are OK now though. As, happily, are your family.

Can't really speak to Obama's link to this since my family are not American and it happened 15 years ago.

Glad your out of it and it sounds like your dad is doing good by ya. All you can do is let the crazy float by and try not to get any on ya.

We're in MURICA, we blame our president :)

Goodness, who can I blame?

The EU and fallout from WWII?

So what happened to your ex-wife after it was proven that you didn't do it? I really hope she got in a lot of trouble for the accusations.

She ended up sharing custody with me and $1400 a month in "child support" even though it's 50/50 custody. Other than her court costs which were substantial I imagine, no real consequences to her.

Damn, why no legal repercussions for her?

Good question. If the table was turned and I needed to accuse my spouse, who had more access to resources than me, I would want to be taken seriously. In her mind, she might have even began to believe her own bullshit. I wouldn't want the state making anyone think twice about coming forward in the case of real abuse. She burned plenty of bridges and I doubt she'll have any professional career in psychology after beyond a low paid counsellor or academia at this point so there are consequences.

I hope you'll be able to work your way up to 100% custody.

It's a thought but that thought is also balanced against the needs of my girls first. The equation is not easy considering how much they would hurt losing her, something she never considered.

What makes you think that she won't pull something like that again, when the kids are even more influenceable? You are way too nice about this. What she did is 'psychopath' level IMO, and I can easily see her cause more problems. Forcing those kids to go through all of this was extremely selfish of her. In some cases, losing this type of parent isn't the worst thing (I've seen/experienced a lot of shit).

That said, I'm very impressed! It's obvious your kids' wellbeing is really important to you, which is really nice to hear (nowadays, too many kids having kids, and are getting this really wrong).

I don't know for sure. I was just debating this with my girlfriend (not you honey is it?). In the end, the question is, will her having joint custody cause as much pain as the girls not having their mother? Not an easy answer.

She burned a ton of bridges with the various agencies up here, she'll have a real hard time accusing me again.

I posted on this on another comment. What your girls need is a good female role model. Sure, usually its the mother, but in this case she is far from a role model. Bad role models make huge impacts on people and having them be an influence on young kids all their life will cause great harm.

Your girls might not understand everything now, but the message you seem to be sending is, in my eyes, something along these lines:

"I can do anything I feel like and if I get called on it I just get a slap on the wrist."

Sure your ex might lose her career, but she keeps what she really wanted unless you take action. Mother figures can be replaced, but the damage made by a bad one will probably stay for life.

hyper_sloth you have a very good point and luckily i've met a wonderful girl who is very good with the girls and turning out to be a great role model. Their step-grandmother kicks more than a little ass too. For now we're making sure they have the best time they can while they're with us and learning healthy habits.

Not the gf, just someone who has seen a lot of crazy stuff.

To be honest, I wouldn't be as worried about legal problems (you definitely seem to have that under control), I'd be more concerned about her slowly planting really bad seeds in their head, which can do more damage in the long run, and can be more difficult to control.

Yeah, I tend towards seeking 100% most days after i've recovered financially and built a good case. In order to get 100% though in Alaska you have to show damn well she is causing harm, and my ex is damn smart about this shit.

Basically, if there were legal repercussions to accusing someone of rape and having them found not guilty, the already incredibly low reporting rate would go even lower.

Yep and poor women may really think twice about coming forward in the case of a real rape. Rape kits are awful (I know, they did one on my little girls, stuff of nightmares). If you've been violated and hurt that badly you want to curl up into a ball and be left alone. Imagine adding the fear that the whole thing could snap back at you and leave you even worse off.

How many months of "child support" until your court costs are reimbursed?

Ha! Never, tis a sick sad world isn't it?

she pays you CS?

Bahahahah!!! You're funny :)

The great state of Alaska believes in a leveling effect of child support. I make a good living at 33 and so she gets 1400 a month from me due to income disparity between us. It's a silly thing.

When I divorced my first wife and got shared custody with my ex, I learned about child support in my state (Oregon). First, if one parent is unemployed, but not disabled (in the legal, can't work sense) they are presumed to have a minimum wage, full time job. Then, the state just looks up both parties income in a table, and the amount of support decreed comes right out of that. It's non-negotiable and purely based on any income disparity. Either party can request a review and possible adjustment every 2 years. Fortunately, my ex never did that, because of course over the decade since the divorce I now earn quite a bit more than 2002, and she's still in a minimum wage situation.

Yeah, up here it's based on a change of 7% in the support amount.

post unclear; brain stuck in child support.

Couldn't really bring myself to use the standard 'instructions unclear' line, since it could be horribly misconstrued.

Anyhow, if anything needs to be worked out it is the CS system.

Seems like it really does. There are way too many people living off of it with the other person a slave to it. The trouble is if you ask for an accounting of every dollar spent from CS it still means that's more money for "other things".

The child support laws in this country are disgusting. I'm sorry to hear of everything that's happened, and I hope you are able to work out a better deal to get that psychopath away from your girls.

It is a bit silly but it's pretty clear it'll take some time to undo. A lot of jobs are built around keeping people on various forms of assistance and the support office is no different in that way I think. There are cases that should have judgements from dead beat dads but when a father has joint custody and is taking care of his children he shouldn't pay her simply because he makes more.

State and Federal assistance only should serve to help you get moving but instead it seems to keep people dependent on the state and unmotivated to use their skills to advance themselves. I'm afraid i've become very libertarian through all of this, keep the state and fed out of my business. Unless it's protecting kids, then it makes sense but the system is being abused in a big way. Children should not be a source of income.

The feds pay the states to collect CS so the state governments have a financial incentive to collect as much CS from as many people as possible.

And thus the circle continues. And so it was that the empire fell also.

What would you suggest to someone who works in/with Child Protective Services to improve detecting and dealing with possible false accusations without endangering children who are actually being abused? (remembering that basically all abusers claim they are being falsely accused)

That's tough for me to say. First of all thank you for what you do! You are helping our kids, our future and saving the babies! The system is fucked up and you'll see people abuse it for sure but it's the best we can do right now.

Major factors I think were the lead investigators experience and the professional neutral nature of most everyone involved. I can't say I felt anyone wasn't treating me badly but instead they asked the hard questions and verified with each other. I know that when people started comparing notes and talking "over lunch" they all began to understand what the truth was.

I suppose that's what any investigation is, a pile of people all looking at the same event and trying to find the truth. Liars and the various forms of asshats all burn up when you start cross referencing.

Stay in it, gain experience and then retire knowing you probably did the right thing, most of the time. Booze helps too but don't drink too much, too many carbs :)

although you have been cleared of the accusations, some people take everything on face value and believe anything even after the truth has come out so my question is...... is there anyone who has completely cut contact with you because of these accusations?

Members of her family which hurt. Anything like this you'll lose friends but you'll gain real friends. That and a sardonic view on reality.

Can you expound on that? Do you consider anyone who believed it was possible to not be a true friend? What you were accused of was terrible, and I'm sure terrifying for people that knew you to think it was possibly true. Are they bad friends for distancing themselves from a possible child molester? You are obviously not, but they didn't know that at the time.

Most people when things get bad for a friend will help them move a box or two out of a house. A real friend will stick by you even when you look the worst. Anyone who saw me with my girls knew damn well I never would do anything to my girls. With that said, I don't blame anyone who decided to back away I just know there are other people who are more loyal.

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I haven't fully decided. Her nature has already started to become apparent to them. With as young as they are, they may not remember any of it other than "daddy wasn't around for a bit there". I think when they head off on their own for the first time I may offer to tell them if they want to know.

Karma is a real bitch, kinda like space is unforgiving. I know she'll end up where she needs to be.

Same thing happened during my custody case where my ex falsely accused me of molestation. The scary thing was, the judge just took everything she said at face value and put me on supervised visitation. During this time, my daughter started seeing how much her mom was full of shit, and actually wrote me a letter letting me know that she thought her mom was a liar.

Sad situation, because I don't want my kid to dislike her mom, but then again, I'm not the one making life ruining allegations.

Yup, first step is to remove the kids from any danger and if I was a judge I would do the same. The assumption is system will work fairly fast which may not be the case but at least no kids are getting hurt.

Sounds like you won though too. I really feel the same about not wanting my girls to dislike their mother but i'm leaving that judgement up to them.

I'm so glad that everything was sorted out eventually! It's so sad this happens...

Did your ex-wife genuinely suspect you or was she lying for an ulterior motive?

I think, in the end, she let her own monsters out of the closet. As to if it was planned or a major over reaction on her part to something my daughter said I don't think i'll ever know. SHe certainly looks like she coached and attempted to set me up, at least that's what my lawyer thinks.

What did your daughter say that caused all of it?

It's too hard for me to say really. I will say it was something way more verbose than a 3 yr old should be able to say.

Who accused you?

My now ex wife accused me. It turns out she began making accusations while she was still sleeping next to me in bed. This was around the time I started suggesting divorce.

Were there any 'warning signs' that she would falsely accuse someone before it happened to you?

Yes. She at first told me she suspected my boss, who's daughter was babysitting at the time. She then used the words "your daughters need you here to protect them" after I separated from her. Her very next step when that didn't work was to accuse me and the nightmare really began.

Her codependency issues also was a warning sign. I was strong enough to realize it needed to end and got out but not unscathed.

Did all of this effect your girls, and if so, how?

Any divorce will be a marker in a kids life. I still have nightmares about what they went through during the "rape kit". I do know the girls know i'm much happier now and love them. When I got back into their life I was darker and broken but still standing and I think they see that. We have fun on our custody days and i'm able to provide them a good life.

In short, I think they're fine but only time will tell and we'll cross that bridge together if it comes.

This is really nice and sort of relevant to me. Before I was born my father had a little girl by his first wife. They got divorced and when they did the ex-wife accused my father of sexually abusing their daughter. There was never any evidence to suggest that her claims were true and my father was never even convicted of anything but in the end he decided to give up his daughter completely. Maybe he was just tired of fighting and wanted out, he was a young man and wanted a fresh start with another girl who ended up being my mother. I'm really glad you kept fighting and kept your kids. My dad didn't and he regrets it now and I regret it too because I have a half-sister I never got to know. Interestingly enough when my father and mother got divorced he did fight and ended up with custody of me and my brother so I guess he learned something from the first ordeal.

I feel like channeling Churchill "We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender".

In all seriousness though, it's a hard choice sometimes to make. I feel like you have to realize it's your kids for the rest of your life. Either way, he learned :)

So sorry that you had to go through that. Did your work/employer know about this whole situation?

Yes, I took pretty much all my leave and I was a wreck half the time.

How are your daughters doing now? Were they alright through all of this?

Kids are tough and resilient and they love their parents. It was hard on them especially while in supervised visitation but you have to stuff your own pain down deep and make sure they see you, that's the most important part.

They're happy bears now, they just had a great christmas and love terrorizing daddy's cat.

When your girls are older,would you explain the situation clearly to them? Cause they deserve to know their mom is crazy,no matter how she loves them.

I answered this above already but yeah, I think when they move off to college or their first home i'll let them know if they want to know i'll tell them. I've thought about recording something for them in case i'm not here but haven't yet.

Even though you said you want the girls to have their mother, karma is a bitch, and it will eventually catch up to her.

I just hope for my girls sake, she gets hers when she comes back as the boil on the ass of an abused camel.

First of all, I'm sorry for the pain you've gone through and hope that you aren't a bitter guy after that. I have two questions for you.

1) Were you able at any moment to think in your ex-wifes shoes or was it clear that she's looking for a reason to destroy your life?

2) While you are fair and fair about your girls seeing her mom, don't you fear her manipulating your daughters against you?

Thanks! This post has turned out to be very good for me to get this all out here.

I've spent many nights thinking on the issue of what her motivations were. As of today I just don't know if she either thought it was true or was trying to destroy me. She's a very manipulative sad person at heart and really I just feel pitty for her most of the time. I can say I was able to understand why the courts and laws are setup the way they are up here, especially with the rate of abuse we have. I do understand why it took so long to get my girls back but I still don't know how a mother could hurt her children like that.

I do also tend to worry about her manipulation of my girls. Gathering evidence to argue they should be in my care primarily will take time and more legal work but i'm always on guard.

Good to hear the nightmare is over my friend but the fight is never over because even tho it's 50/50 she'll be watching you like a hawk for any little fuck up that she can use to sue and change the custody agreement.

I'd have a journal or something to record things around your ex cause the courts are as you've seen very biased against men so she can literally do anything if she's truly a control freak.

Yep! We journal, record, and do everything we can :)

I wouldn't say the courts are biased against men. One of my attorney's told me that most men just give up too early. Or they run out, buy a sports car and get someone who violates the ($age/2 +7) rule and not ever show up to visitation. Or show up to visitation liquored up and off the rails. My trick was to never ever give up and never let them see me bleed

He's right also divorce and child custody is expensive, very expensive so men see the costs then run away. This is where a lot of women's groups get their information cause it's easier for a woman to gain custody than it is for men. I try telling people to go for it even if they land up in debt cause what's a bit of debt when you have custody of your kid.

Men get custody removed from them easily, a guy lost custody of his child because he refused to take the child to mcdonalds of all places. The child whined to the mother and the mother used that ONE occurrence to get custody removed.

I think there is also a tendency for guys to think "well shit, that broke. Let's start over!" Usually this comes along with a violation of the ($age/2 + 7) rule involved.

What became of the accuser, if you already haven't been asked this 1000 times?

In the FAQ at the top. She's the other half of the custody arraignment and playing as a drug and alcohol counsellor trying to tell people how not to shot opiates. Pretty fucked up when you realize she's never been high in her life....

That's fucked up, especially when you consider that you're daughters will one day find out about what she did to you. Then what?

We'll cross that bridge together :)

What was her reaction hearing the verdict? Was she confident on getting her way?

Well there never was a verdict gavel hitting wood type thing. The judge, who carefully explained when he rules one of us wasn't going to like the answer, accepted our settlement along with the attorney for the girls (Guardian Ad Litem. Yay, now you know a legal term!). She actually smiled at me when we walked into court that day.

I would have loved to see her face when she read the custody investigators report though. It was perfect and explained things very well with plenty of proof and examples and basically argued what we were saying all along.

Didn't any medical professional test your daughters for sign of sexual abuse?

For every man falsely accused of rape , 2 real rapists and child molesters get away.

Did you ever get an apology from your wife?

They did a rape kit on both girls which was negative to any sign. They were potty training at the time so there was some redness but nothing out of the ordinary. I would argue she did more trauma by putting them through that.

No apology ever. She may still be trying to convince herself the justice system failed her.

Has it changed the way people see you, like say, finding a job, keeping a job, interacting with people who might've seen the case, etc?

Nope, i'm a proud union member who is working under a contract. I'm also very skilled in a unique field, that really could be it's own IAmA. I do worry about security clearance and background check paperwork in the future though but everything can be explained.

After you were cleared, did you ever ask your ex why she did what she did?

Aside from the abuse accusations, had she ever done anything else so bat shit crazy?

I've asked a couple of times but she just shut the conversation right down and quickly changed the subject. The truth is i'll probally never know.

I don't have any questions...

I'm just here to warn you about the massive flood of weirdos that are going to hit this thread from mensrights.... It's going to be misogynistic, crazy-sounding, ill-informed, and make you ashamed to be a fellow male... There will be terribly framed statistics, frantic searches for evidence to back premises that are artificially created, massive leaps of logic and false equivocation and a big ol' heap of good old fashioned sexism.

Just warning you. I see it coming.

Well I did cross post in there. I feel like it's time for men to standup and stop being pushed around like this case illustrates. This was one of the reasons why I did this post. Too many guys give up.

We do have to be careful though not to step down to a poorer level of emotional maturity though.