IamA black guy adopted and raised by a white family, AMA!

You're the guy who proposed via scavenger hunt! I remember that thread.

Yep! We just got engagement pictures done, here's one :)

http://i.imgur.com/u5uagNu.jpg

How do you feel you get along with or relate to other black people?

This is a tough one. In my high school I was one of like 5 black kids, and so I didn't really interact with any of them a lot until college.

Since college started, I've noticed that I don't really connect with them. I have trouble understanding them and that just is...so weird to me. I know I don't have an innate ability to understand 'ebonics' but it feels like I should.

As someone who wants to foster children and perhaps adopt one day, I think about mixed race families fairly often. I have heard many people say that white people shouldn't adopt black children because it causes them to lose their culture. Do you think you lost something because you were raised in a white family?

Ugh. This is a tough one.

Culture is a really interesting thing to me. Being raised where I was(the Ozarks of Arkansas) there's not a lot of black culture to begin with, and it's hard to say what is 'black culture' without delving into stereotypes like drugs, alcohol, 99 problems, etc.

That being said...I believe that your culture isn't something you're assigned with at birth. It's something that grows and develops as you grow and develop. I don't feel like I've lost anything because I never had it.

If I was adopted later in life, then maybe. But I still think that your culture is about you, not about people like you. Does this help?

Good luck in fostering/maybe adopting someday! It takes a big heart but it has a lot of benefits.

I'm also from the Ozarks, Missouri though. You had FIVE black kids? We had like one... for a month.

5 sequentially, I think the most my parents had was 3 at a time. We were in Pennsylvania at the time, I doubt we'd find that many black kids around here :)

What do you mean by "your parents" had three at a time? I thought we were talking number of black kids in your school?
Side note: I find the lack of diversity to be interesting, I went to high school in metro Detroit, we had all kinds of different races.

oh crap my bad. I thought Alpha was talking about my parents' fostering experience.

We had more latinos/asians but white people had the most.

Do you talk "black"?

I am half black myself, and I was raised to speak without any slang or accent. I've been given grief over this fact by other blacks my whole life.

With you being raised by a white family, has that ever been an issue for you?

Edit: I should have clarified, by accent I meant an Ebonic accent. I understand that every language can be broken down into multiple accents.

I asked "talk black" because that was how I was always asked, by black and white people, growing up.

I firmly believe that accents and slang are determined by education, location and socio-economic status.

I want to thank BaconBoy and everyone involved in the conversation. It's nice to know that there are other people, regardless of race, that deal with stereotypical views of how one should speak. It's also nice to see so many people interested in the topic.

I am right there with ya. I've tried to inject some blackspeak/accent into my every day conversations to no avail. People who know me just laugh. :(

Growing up in a rural area with mostly white girls, how was dating in high school? Did white girls treat you any differently or did you ever get the vibe some girls weren't "allowed" to date you?

I grew up with a lot of them so they didn't really treat me differently. Even when I got to college a lot of people were friendly and didn't throw off any bad auras.

Thanks for the reply and ama! Like others ITT, I'm interested in adopting one day.

No problem! My parents have told me stories about when I was little and would throw tantrums at like the mall or something... The mall cops got called and my parents had a hard time proving I was their son.

Now we can look back on it and laugh though! there are tons of little stories like this that I hope made it worthwhile for them. Good luck with adopting if you decide to do it!

Nature vs nurture. Can you dance?

I'll let you answer that for yourself. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWqjqrPSGMw

(re: kind of, at least more than 2 white guys?)

So that's a no.

To be fair my baseline for dancing is this: http://i.imgur.com/IZ5EsdJ.gif

Have you ever met your biological mom? If no, would you want to?

She was around when I was little. She would send me cards, come visit, but after I was about 2 she just seemed to drop off the face of the earth. I think I would be interested in it(I've looked for her several times), but I'm not sure she's alive anymore.

What makes you say that? Was she a serious addict? What is your opinion of her?

She was addicted to meth, heroin and was HIV positive. Additionally the only reason that I could see her not keeping in touch is because she fell back into it. My parents both said she was really sweet and was interested in watching me grow(although this could've been 50% lip service).

I don't mean to spin her in a negative light, I'm really thankful for her. Without her I wouldn't be here at all :)

How were you able to be adopted so quickly?

Not positive, but my parents were foster parents to 5 or 6 children previously and so they were good friends with a social worker.

IIRC, my parents said the social worker contacted them like a month in advance and asked if they wanted me. spoiler alert: they said yes.

Did your parents continue to foster after they got you?

Nope, I was the last one. It had a big effect on my family though, one of my sisters is trained/ready to get a foster child and one of my other sisters runs an after-school program.

Are all of your siblings adopted?

Nope, they were all born to my parents.

You all are beautiful. What a good vibe coming through from all of you.

Thank you! I really love our family.

Have you ever seen "The Jerk" with Steve Martin?

Haha nope! The last time I did this people were telling me to go watch it but I just haven't gotten around to it. I've heard enough quotes to get the basic idea though :)

Watch it NOW! Great flick. Parts of it are the exact opposite of your story. You might find it funny.

On a serious note, it's really cool that there are people out there like your foster parents. I hesitated to even use the word 'foster' there. Were you ever mad at your biological mother? If so, how did that affect you growing up?

I've never been mad at my bio-mom(much cooler way to say it ;) )

I feel like her decision to 1) Not abort me, 2) Have me and give me up for adoption was done out of love.

Even if it was just a selfish thing(which I really doubt, she visited me when I was a baby), her decision to give me up for adoption is one that I'm totally thankful for.

(also, adoptive != foster. Foster parents just watch kids for a short time while their parents get things sorted out enough to take them back. Adoptive = the kid's theirs for life. Just so you don't feel like ya have to hesitate :) )

Thanks for the AMA! Did you ever have the moment where you realized "Wait I'm not white!" / what significance did it have?

I don't ever remember having it, my parents told me from a really young age that I was adopted(i'm sure because it was obvious I was, haha). No "YOU MEAN I'M GONNA STAY THIS COLOR?" realization from me :)

What was it like growing up with such a big family? Did you ever miss your own space?

All 3 of my sisters are 9+ years older than me, so by the time I could really NEED space they were out of the house. If anything I wished more people were around, haha. It kind of made me want to have a big family when I get older.

Ok are you my brother!? (I know you aren't, he's 16 and luckily not engaged at this point in his life) but my (white) family adopted him (black) and I'm the oldest of his 3 sisters and we too live in Arkansas. :)

I'm actually your bro from the future. Don't drive home from work on Thursday, ask your Callie to bring you home. You'll meet her Monday.

I can see that your girlfriend is white and she's beautiful ! But have you always felt more attracted to white people than black ? From what I know, a large portion of white people tend to feel more attracted towards people of their own ethnicity than other skin colors, and same for people of other another ethnicity, have you felt more attracted to people of your skin color, more towards white, or equally balanced ? Thanks for doing the AMA ! EDIT: Thanks guys, all your responses were useful to this comment !

*fiancee ;)

Good question though. I would definitely say that I like how white people look more. I feel like it sort of goes with who you're raised around. It's really interesting!

I realize you're part of the family, but while growing up, how was it like? Like in your teenage years? Was it any different than how everyone else grows up?

For example, did you feel like you didn't belong with them at times, or maybe you felt a bit uncomfortable being a different skin color than the rest of your family?

I didn't really notice it until I was in highschool. There were times I was embarrassed to be in places with my family because I knew I stuck out, and I didn't like to tell people I was adopted because of what they might say or think.

A popular joke was like, "Hey Joe, guess what?" "What?" "You're ADOPTED" -riotous laughter-

That kinda made me insecure but I learned to shrug it off.

How long was it before you noticed that people might treat you differently because of your skin color?

8th grade. I was mostly homeschooled up until then, and when I went back to public school it was like a culture shock on both sides. Everyone was wanting to touch my hair and mispronounce my name, while I was just trying to deal with seeing so many people at once.

Did your parents homeschool you for religious reasons, because the local schools were so bad, or some other reason?

That's a good question. A group of church friends moved to my town and started a homeschool group when I was in 2nd grade, my parents put me in it the next year(they asked me and I said "Sure! School + Home = GREAT").

I went back to public school for the 2nd semester in 4th grade, and then a combo of christian/homeschool up until 8th.

It looks like you ended up with a great family. Did you ever experience racism in the community from outsiders over your being the only black member of the family?

Nope, not really. Everyone was really cool about it.

Did you ever feel like the odd man out with your family?

In high school I did(lol self image), but now I just appreciate us for who we are! I'm obviously different and that's cool with me.

Have you ever felt the need to find family members you are directly related to?

Less of a need to find them and more of a desire to find someone that looks like me; same nose, eyes, ears, something. One of the reasons I can't wait to have kids.

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Ahhh man. This is challenging.

I think there specifically that was just an easier way to reply, but in general I do feel more like a typical white person than a typical black person. I would go as far to say as I feel uncomfortable around more black people than I do white people.

And I would definitely say that being black is a cultural thing and not a skin color thing. It just depends on how you were brought up and what you PERSONALLY took a liking to. Cause I mean, there are black people who are top businesspeople and were raised in a crappy, black household, similarly there are white people who have fell for the drug game who were raised in great, white homes. Their decisions made them who they are, not a label.

What kinds of music do you listen to?

Some of my Starred Spotify tracks:

The Books

Lecrae

Viceroy

Neon Indian

RJD2

Bonobo

Pretty much everything but Country.

Lecrae is awesome! As a white guy from Oklahoma, I'm glad to see him on there.

Church clothes 2 is too legit!

Did your parents ever catch any flak for adopting a black child? Also, was there ever any conflict with "regular" black people? I remember some African Americans saying that Obama wasnt "really black" when he first ran for president. Did you experience something similar at one point or another? Also: Thanks for doing an AMA.

I don't think my parents were ever looked down on for getting me, and if they did they didn't tell me about it. :P

When I moved to the Ozarks when I was 4 a lot of people just found me unique so it was a good talking point for them. They're really social and love to tell stories so they pretty much told everyone about me and didn't hide anything.

I haven't had a lot of interaction with the black people of norm, but there was one time in high school where this transfer said I was "embarassing us real blacks" and a "disgrace", because of someway my hair was styled that day? Haha everyone basically pounced on him and no one really liked him after that.

Have other black people treated you differently as they knew you had a white family? Asking because I had a friend also black and bought up in a white family and he said the other black kids at school called him something (i forget the word) meaning he was black outside but white inside. You and your family look very happy, nice to see when I know of so many unhappy adoptions.

I haven't been around a lot of black people, but surprisingly white people treat me a bit differently when they find out I'm adopted/get to know me. They get shocked when I do 'black things' like saying "ERR" for "air". Kinda strange!

How do you like your bacon?

Baked to that delicious, melt-in-your-mouth crisp.

My brother is black and I am white. My parents adopted him when I was very young, and he was roughly 4 years older than me. When I was 17, he left us without any contact for him. I'm 33 now, and I've talked to him twice and he's made it clear he wants no future communication from any of us. I feel this has to do with the nature of the family dynamic- my parents not able to offer him the kind of family he had spent the first 9 years of his life with. How do you feel the "tradition" of the two races has affected you? Do you have any resentment towards your family? Just in case anyone wanted "proof": Us as kids http://i.imgur.com/T3Vuajh.jpg

That is really interesting. I'm sorry that this situation ended up this way. :/

Since I was adopted so young, I never really had a chance to adopt the tradition you talk about, and honestly I feel more at home with my family than I would with any other. I have no resentment.

What are you/ did you study in college?

Looking to get my BFA in Graphic Design with a minor in Marketing + Studio Art. 1.5 more years!

Serious Q: can you dance? I'm black, but grew up around pretty much nothing but white kids. All of my friends are white, and I'm still a better dancer than all of them. For clarification, I don't have very much family, but my parents did not teach me to dance. It's just innate.

In general(aside from the few kids who had practiced dance) I was a hit at prom.

My buddies and I did this for our Sr. Year talent show : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWqjqrPSGMw

Do you still have contact with your mother? If no would you have contact if you could?~ This is coming from someone who has never met their dad.

No, she stopped coming around when I was about 2. I think that I would like to see her, but like I said somewhere else I'm not sure she's alive, and if she IS alive I'd be worried to see her in bad shape.

What stereotypical black things do you find yourself doing?

Watermelon is pretty much my lifeblood.

Do you think you music preference and fashion was affected by the change of parents?

Well, yes and no. I think that a lot of that develops as you grow up but if I was raised in a home in the ghetto filled with drugs/alcohol I would probably have liked different stuff.

I've no idea how to say this in a way that won't sound...not quite right but here goes: do you feel like there's any "culture" that you've missed out on by not being raised in a family of color? If so, is there anything your actual adoptive parents could have done to mitigate that? I ask b/c I really want to foster and/or adopt an older child in a few years, & I don't plan to be picky about race. But even though I'm like, ultra-white, I grew up outside my own culture (I'm Irish by birth, & yes, I get that being Irish & black are not super similar), & always found it a bit lonely. I'd like to be able to give a child who needs a home a safe & stable family (like your parents obviously did), but I'd also like to make sure they...know their own? I'd want them to feel confident no matter where they are. argh, I hope this makes sense.

also, I remember your proposal post awhile back, I generally dislike cute things but it was very sweet; congrats on your engagement!

I answered something like this in another comment:

"Ugh. This is a tough one.

Culture is a really interesting thing to me. Being raised where I was(the Ozarks of Arkansas) there's not a lot of black culture to begin with, and it's hard to say what is 'black culture' without delving into stereotypes like drugs, alcohol, 99 problems, etc.

That being said...I believe that your culture isn't something you're assigned with at birth. It's something that grows and develops as you grow and develop. I don't feel like I've lost anything because I never had it. If I was adopted later in life, then maybe. But I still think that your culture is about you, not about people like you. Does this help?"

ADDITIONALLY, you can always change some of your personal culture to fit your child's if they think they would like it. I remember we celebrated Kwanzaa a couple times(mostly because I wanted more presents, haha)

We just got our engagement pictures done, here's one(hope it's not too cute ;) ) http://i.imgur.com/Nhha3bX.jpg

Do you know why your parents wanted to adopt? After three girls, did they want a boy?

That's the story! I'm pretty sure that's the reason they wanted to adopt. They also didn't like when foster children had to leave and wanted something more permanent.

How long did it take you to realize you were adopted? Honestly now.

I don't ever remember NOT knowing. It's just been part of my life.

Serious Question here!

Did they urge you to play sports? Like they got you a basketball for Christmas or something.

Did they ever stereotype?

Did they ever Spank you?

What kind of music did you listen to in the car?

They never really urged me, I always wanted to! I played everything, basketball, soccer, baseball...I played football in HS and could've got a scholarship if I wouldn't have had 2 concussions Sr. year.

Never stereotyped, just treated me as one of their kids.

They did spank but I think when I was like 9 my dad an agreement to never do it again. I'm sure that was an emotion-driven decision rather than a racially-driven one, though.

Growing up, it was mostly Christian Contemporary, but I listen to pretty much everything now.