I am Ken Hoinsky aka TofuTofu. I am the author of a book on how to get awesome with women that started as posts here on reddit. AMA!

...Don't you think a lot of girls would get insulted that you seduced them through a guide or a technique?

To me it honestly looks like a set of instructions for interacting with a dangerous animal. Women get objectified enough already, feeling akin to an animal to be tamed is incredibly insulting.

Don't you think a lot of girls would get insulted that you seduced them through a guide or a technique?

Possibly. But only because of their preconceptions about PUA advice and culture.

But do I think a sane, rational woman would get offended that I took the time to read self-help material and work to better myself? Absolutely not!

It's not "Press up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, select, start and you will receive a blowjob." It's a set of steps you can follow to become a more outgoing and attractive version of yourself.

Does that make sense?

If it's to build self-confidence, why is it centred around getting women? Why is women's attention so important to you as a person?

And why does it have to be multiple women and not just one?

Hell, I'm the first person to protest the sex-shaming but I'm all for being honest with your partner. If you cannot get laid without emotional manipulation, perhaps you shouldn't get laid.

Making someone fall for you just because you want to get laid is cruel and unnecessary. Perhaps be upfront with your wants? Women can want sex for sex too.

If it's to build self-confidence, why is it centred around getting women? Why is women's attention so important to you as a person?

Most men are not happy with their love life. Like it or not, it's something that is on the minds of millions of men. I'm all for generic self-help but I write about what I know and that is specific to helping men be better with women. In the future I might focus on other areas but not for now.

And why does it have to be multiple women and not just one?

First off, what's wrong with sleeping with multiple women if you want to? Secondly, if you want to get better with women you pretty much have to meet lots of women. It's important to understand how to deal with different personalities and situations. Not to mention that everyone should have options to choose from. How else will we find our ideal partner? And how will we know what we really want out of a relationship without experience in relationships? And how will we be confident in our ability to attract our ideal partner if we don't have practice attracting women? Do you see my point?

If you cannot get laid without emotional manipulation, perhaps you shouldn't get laid.

I don't understand what part of my guide involves emotional manipulation. Can you point it out to me?

I love having these types of conversations but I feel like you might be projecting something else onto me.

I'm not against sleeping with lots of people, I'm against using people for sex. If she isn't aware that you want it to be a casual fling, then you're a cruel lying sob.

A lot of what I've read involved some sort of longer-term involvement, like getting her number, flirting for a while, dating, and ultimately a relationship. Except you talk about multiple women, and many guys mention getting numbers from multiple girls, hitting on multiple girls etc.

I might be oldfashioned or a product of another culture, but if you only want sex from someone you don't fool them like that. And if you want a relationship with someone, you don't go around flirting and getting numbers from other women. Dating implies relationship, and you have to be explicit if you want the relationship to be open (or not a relationship at all). In my country, if you're dating, you're in a relationship. If you don't want a relationship, you have to say so.

And if you want a relationship with someone, you don't go around flirting and getting numbers from other women.

I'm sorry, but I'm really not following you here. You think it's realistic for a guy to put all his eggs in one basket before he's even in a committed relationship? That is a very, very risky move, especially if he's inexperienced with women.

All eggs in one basket? Fuck, American culture really is fucked up.

My country has a fairly casual sex culture, ie you can sleep around and not be degraded for it... IF you do not fool people you're sleeping with that you want something more. Dating someone implies something more.

When you find a person you want to be in a relationship with, and you are dating, all sexual advances towards other people are considered cheating. Just because you haven't fucked or haven't explicitly said that you're in a relationship doesn't mean that the other person doesn't think that they're in a relationship with you.

Even casual relationships are exclusive unless explicitly told otherwise.

Dating multiple women is straight out cheating in my book, and if you confessed to dating someone else while dating me, I'd leave and never come back. Probably tell all of my friends to never talk to you either.

Wanting sex is fine. Lying is not.

Even casual relationships are exclusive unless explicitly told otherwise.

Yeah, that's definitely not the case in the USA. Thanks for teaching me about your culture though. May I ask which country?

Have you seen that one guy who claims to be the end-all be-all of male dating advice, and author of Tao of Badass? It's the most sexist nonsense I've ever seen - so much so that I wrote a college paper on it.

Hah, I've never heard of it but I'd love to read your paper!

Nothing is more lonely that puppeteering your partner. In the end it's just you and a human that doesn't realize you are calculating your every move to manipulate their every move. It starts to become an uncanny valley scenario.

OK?

Is what you do different from "the game". If so, in what way? (I haven´t been to /r/seduction, but I´ve read the game back when it was all that)

That's a great question.

In a word: yes. The type of seduction advice that was popular in the time leading up to the publishing of The Game couldn't be more different from what's espoused today. It was a LOT of memorizing routines, complicated processes, "negging" (backhanded compliments), etc. It was great at getting guys to take action but the advice was harmful to a lot of guys.

Nowadays it's much more about honesty, being direct with your intentions (that's the key to avoiding the dreaded "friend zone"), and retooling your beliefs so that you don't put women on a pedestal. It's just as much about learning how to develop self-confidence as it is about learning what to say to women.

I'd say Part 4 of my reddit guide is a pretty good example of what "modern advice" looks like.

Thanks for the question!

Most informative, thank you.

This then leads another question. Since I have no idea who you are and reddit has taught me to always question the source of facts, how did you gain these skills and what makes you an authority on the matter (sounds negative but it´s not)? From what i gathered from your opening text you have no formal training in relationships or people-interacting skills (psychology and what not).

Edit: spelling

I don't have a psych background but I do have a background in recruiting & sales and leading organizations, so I've spent a lot of time refining those skills in a business environment.

But if someone wants to, they can go back through my posting history and see years of advice and first-hand accounts and stories (we call them "field reports"). I was a very active member of /r/TokyoSeddit, /r/BayAreaSeddit and /r/GothamSeddit which are local communities of guys who are trying to get better with women. So I've been out with with hundreds of people from reddit over hundreds of days and nights in multiple cities. So it's not like I've spent my whole posting career hiding behind a keyboard!

Great question!

I've gotta admit routines work great-- they also make you feel like a hollow shell of a man. Good to hear people are pushing a better way now. I tried a few routines and decided random hook-ups weren't that important to me for how it made me feel-- I'd rather just build my confidence and let the connections develop naturally-- or not, as the case may be. You win some you lose some.

So true. Also, just build your own routines if you enjoy them. That's what normal people do, they're constantly retelling the same stories. You don't need some random guy on the internet telling you word by word what to say. It's demoralizing and doesn't lend itself to long-term success.

How do you feel your book is different than such books as "How to Become an Alpha Male" by John Alexander and various other books put out there?

I am not familiar with that book, but the biggest difference is twofold:

1) Because I have no ulterior motives of upselling expensive training and coaching packages, I am just putting all the best info in the most concise manner possible in one book. The current MO of seduction companies is to rehash and rehash and rehash the same knowledge base so they can keep you in their marketing funnel and eventually sell you $3000 bootcamp packages. I sorted through years of others' material, seddit posts, and my own personal expertise and insights, to consolidate it into one book.

2) Every chapter has Action Items which give a clear step-by-step guide to implementing all the theories. You don't see this in a lot of books, for whatever reason.

Reading some PUA stuff, gave me a the idea that for these people (people active in the seduction/game) men wants to get lots of woman, and then find a almost virgin to marry, and that women wants to get many men, while maintaining a chastity appearance, and then find a "alpha male" (defined as above) to marry (and keep a monogamous relationship). Well, this sounds very selfish and unproductive. I know that there are different kinds of people, and not everyone is like that. My question is: How frequently do PUA people think like this? Thanks in advance.

I've been seeing that type of mindset with the men who spend time in what's known colloquially as "The Manosphere." It's a specific subset of PUA culture that I don't identify with. If you google about it I am sure you can learn more.

What do you think about Steve Martin's approach to meeting women?

I just walk up to 'em and I say, "Hi, I make a lot of money".

I think that's hilarious! That's the type of shit I would say if I was rich and famous :)

Can you talk a little bit more about SimplePickup? Are Jason and Jesse really short? Did any of them seem natural? Kong and Jesse come off as quite awkward. Thanks!

Sure. I think I met them twice. They're not super short but certainly a bit under 6 feet. Not really memorable, to be honest.

I think they've come a long way but they aren't really masters by any stretch of the imagination. You can tell they felt a little in over their heads, which makes sense considering their rapid success online! I can imagine they weren't 100% prepared for all the people scrutinizing their every move.

They are doing a great job showing guys that you can do pretty much anything as an opening line, but that's where it ends. I haven't seen their pay products but I would be surprised if it's anything mindblowing. I haven't been hearing much about it, to be honest.

I wish them well! They definitely understand social media which is cool.

They didn't seem natural, but definitely well practiced. They do have game, for sure.

Cool, thanks for the answer. Unrelated tangent:

Do you expect any blowback from revealing your full name online? PUA is still quite stigmatized. Do you think that this might affect your professional life?

I doxxed myself to remove that power from others.

Professionally speaking, I am proud of the work I've done helping and teaching others. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm trying to make the world a better place for men and women. Most women, when they take the time to understand what I'm teaching men to do, are completely supportive. They are sick of mediocre men and I am trying to rid the world of them. :)

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I took some time really trying to get to know them early on. I had a lot of chats with their mod staff, just trying to learn more about it.

My ultimate conclusion was that pretty much all their problems can be solved by working on yourself and developing good game. Part of that means getting in touch with your values and seeking those qualities out in others.

So if good game is the solution, I don't understand the need for their community. I'd rather spend more time focusing on learning how to be a more attractive man. A lot of the redpill guys seem to put a lot of energy complaining and ranting about the "state of society" which I don't think is helpful nor necessary. It leads to a lot of meta-circlejerking and "Haha look at this loser!" type of negativity. It's just not productive.

But it's serving as a great honeypot to draw out the real misogynists (not ALL of them, but some of redpillers are misogynists) from the mainstream seduction world, so they are doing me a service as far as I am concerned.

So you got 10k on the kickstarter. Does this mean you are releasing the book for everyone on seddit for free?

Yup! As a PDF.

I mean absolutely no disrespect with what I am about to say, as I am sure that your methods work for you. However, as someone who read "The Game" by Neil Strauss, I have to defend it.

I don't agree with you when you say it is outdated. I read the book a year ago when someone mentioned how interesting it was and I decided to actually try the stuff that was discussed in the book. Now, with any type of pick-up, I had to gain the confidence to try it out, and at first, I didn't have a ton of luck cause I was so nervous about it. Once I started getting the hang of it, though, I had a shocking amount of success with it. I pulled off spectacular "pick ups" in front of my friends using the lines and routines in "The Game" verbatim. Everything in that book still works; nothing in society has changed, and girls still react to that stuff now like I assume they did 10 years ago.

Again, no disrespect and I'm sure your methods work or you wouldn't be sharing them, but "The Game" is most certainly not outdated and absolutely is still effective.

Oh, I agree with what you're saying! When I say outdated I mean it's not the "be all, end all" of pickup. Things have continued to evolve.

I am good "talker". How do I become good in communication? My problem is that after a couple of interaction with anyone (M or F), I become kind of court jester. Someone who is not respected, the one who should do the errands, etc.

Gotcha... I call this "Dancing Monkey Syndrome." You end up being the entertainer instead of the seducer. Part 7 of my reddit Above The Game guide specifically covers this topic. I'd recommend giving it a read.

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Club game is all about building social proof and having a lot of fun. Go out to have fun with friends and you'll have a much easier time picking up women. Also if you can bring girls with you in the first place (they can be your cousin if they need to be, who cares!) then you will have an easier time opening women in the club. It's that whole social proof/preselection thing.

As for the physical approach itself... Just be self-entertained and do whatever you find the most hilarious. The "stop and point at a girl and then gesture for her to walk over to you" is pretty funny. I know another guy who does a ridiculous over-the-top dance as he approaches.

Anything fun and unique to disarm her will help your cause.

What should you do after you get the girls number? In what direction should the next step be? I always just text her and flirt around but usually end up getting friend zoned, thanks!

That's a really common problem.

I would recommend reading Part 6 of my reddit Above The Game guide. It is focused on getting the number and following up.

Thanks for posting your guide. Very insightful stuff. One of my few successes I have had in life is with women, and I mostly agree with the things that you discuss.

However one thing stands out that I do not agree with about setting boundaries. You say to call out women on things even as little as being 10 minutes late to something. I find that confusing because in my experience being forgiving and understanding yields better results than being firm.

Would you mind clarifying/elaborating a little more about that as I assume I am stupid and misinterpreting your meaning?

Keep in mind the audience of the book as well... I need those words to resonate with everyone from the more successful ladies man to the nice guy doormat virgin to the guy with crippling social anxiety.

Those words can be interpreted with some leeway once you have more experience with women, as it sounds like you have. But for the guy who has gone his entire life supplicating and letting women walk all over him, it's a big step to call a woman out on her bullshit.

So yes, don't go ape-shit on a girl who is 10 minutes late. But if she's an hour late and doesn't call and this is a regular thing, you'd better believe she needs to hear about it. Having a vagina doesn't give her permission to be a lousy human being!

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I like to be opportunistic when it comes to day game, as opposed to going out for day game sessions. It's good to do when you're just starting out, but standing on a street corner just to hit on girls feels strange to me.

You might not like the advice in the book on the number-close situation, but... It sounds like you need to work on your game BEFORE you get the number. The best text game is making her absolutely attracted to you before you ever get her number. So that's how you solve that problem.

As for how to do that... That's basically the content of the entire book!

I'm a 20 year old college student, I'm decent looking, and am in fantastic physical shape. I'm fairly outgoing, I'm pretty smart. Because all of these things my friends always tease me about my lack of ability to get girls. For as long as I can remember I could talk to them with ease but was constantly "friendzoned" I've been reading a lot of seddit lately and mostly by learning how to kino I have become quite a bit better with a few closes. Now though I have finally figured out my original problem, I only know how to talk to women as friends. What would be the best way to learn to keep the conversation more then friendly?

Sounds like you have a lot of great things going for you! I'm jealous, I wish I was in the shape I was in when I was 20 :)

You NEED to sexualize your interactions. Not letting your intentions be known is a one-way ticket to the friend zone. Part 7 of the reddit Above The Game guide covers this topic. You need to man up and start escalating with these women. And there is no way to learn this other than practice.

Hi Ken,

I'm unfamiliar with your work, but I just read Part 1 and was pleasantly surprised to find it wasn't insulting. In fact, it was pretty great advice. I apologize if this is something you've discussed previously, but I wonder about your views on pornography. Specifically, whether you think it's harmful to, helpful for, or has no effect on the way young men (teens-30s) treat women.

Thanks for your kind words! It always frustrates me when people judge what I do based on their preconceptions, so the fact you took the time to read it means a lot to me!

I think porn addiction is a major problem affecting men today. I don't have the time to dig into all the negatives it causes, but let's just say it's BAD. It also makes them terrible in the bedroom (most women do not want to be fucked like the women in porn.)

A lot of people in the "NoFap" world benefit tremendously from the placebo effects of cutting out all masturbation. It forces them to stop objectifying women and then using porn as a substitute for talking to real women. I hate all the bro science, but it definitely helps a lot of men.

I need some help on being more outcome independent. I'm in the early stages of seeing this girl and I feel like I'm concentrating on my success with her too much. How do I reframe my mindset so I'm constantly not thinking about this girl?

Don't stop working on yourself and don't stop going out! You need to be talking to more women on a regular basis unless you guys go fully exclusive (even then, you should be talking to women all the time, just don't hook up with them!) That's the real world activity that leads to outcomes independence.

The few times I've actually tried to talk about how PUA theory is a thing with people, it either looks incredibly creepy or just a scam, I'm fairly certain that in all this time you have probably found people which simply didn't believe in PUA theory, how do you deal with this?

People who feel that way tend to have only been exposed to either scathing exposes or the marketing messages, which unfortunately are "BANG TEN HOT WOMEN THIS WEEKEND WITH THIS ONE MAGIC LINE!!"

But if you explain that it's no different from very mainstream self-help advice about getting more confident and comfortable, they'll get it. To put it in other words, Dale Carnegie and Tony Robbins are basically master pickup artists. If they can wrap their mind around that concept, they'll get it.

Hey Tofu, I've hit a plateau that I'm trying to get past.

I've learned that the biggest thing that distinguishes a beginner from someone who is intermediate at gaming is just being comfortable (experience), social (fucking open), and outcome independent (have fun). What would you say separates the intermediates from the advanced seducers?

Two things:

• Desire and Passion for women
• Physical escalation

There are men who absolutely adore women. They love everything about them. Women are like oxygen for them, they have to be in their lives. That's the inward piece.

The outward piece is how quickly, often, and aggressively they escalate physically. The most successful guys are also the ones who take the most chances with their advances. Sometimes they get called out as "too grabby" or "too touchy-feely" but those tend to be the guys who have the most success with women.

Would you be willing to record the seminar and post on either youtube or reddit, for those of us who can't attend?

Likely what I will do is record it and then review the footage and see what's usable. I am trying to avoid doing it super formal but I think that might not lend itself well to a video. It's definitely something I am considering, though!

Where might a crowd avoiding, non-bar/club-hopping, introvert find success meeting women?

Anywhere women go! That includes: coffee shops, bookstores, the beach, the park, the mall, the grocery store, the oil change place, etc.

There will be exercises in the book outlining how to start, but you need to start approaching and talking to them. The good news is they tend to lower their shields during the day, so you might get a lot of success!

Biggest difference between Japanese and American women?

Also where in Tokyo are the Gaijin Hunters?

More traditional gender roles are still in play in Japan, so the women tend to be a bit more of the homemaker types than in the US. It's much more common for them to cook and clean for their partners while the men slave away to bring home the bacon.

If you're looking for gaijin hunters, you want to head directly to Roppongi.

どうもありがとうございます。

どういたしまして～

What do you think about approach anxiety due to a different ethnicity ? I know so many guys who aren't able to approach due to an inferiority complex due to their race, and also because of general stereotypes. What advise would you give to overcome this ?

Just realize that it's bullshit. Like everything else, go out there and force yourself to confront these fears head-on. It won't be fixed overnight, but through increasingly larger tasks you will develop the reference experiences necessary to start rebuilding your foundation.

Hey TofuTofu, I'm a lesbian and I've loved all your advice in /r/seduction for a long time. Do you know of any Lesbian PUAs? and from what you've seen of their game, what advice could you give to me?

/u/LesbianPUA was a very active user on seddit. There is also /r/fPUA which is specifically for women. I would definitely default to their expertise.

I am by no means an expert on lesbian game, so the best advice I can give is to put yourself out there! Go out and actually meet people as much as humanly possible. It will dramatically increase your chances of finding whatever it is your looking for!

Sorry I don't have better advice for you :(

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I didn't. I feel horrible AA all the time. The truth is it doesn't go away.

But you can logic your way through it... You KNOW, from experience, that fighting through the approach anxiety and just manning up leads to good things. So you suck it up and approach. After 2 or 3 warm-ups you're usually feeling pretty good and ready to go!

It's interesting that 1. you are good at the game, and 2. you happen to be in (and are good at) sales as a career. I dabbled in sales back in the early 2000s and I was f*****g terrible at it. My inner game was shit, complete shit. I am still convinced that I am not meant to be in sales, and what made me reach that conclusion was that all the guys who were good at their jobs were just natural with people. I was not. It seemed like the good ones were "quick on their feet", always having something good to say just flow out of their mouth, whereas I just analyze it and try to think of something to respond with.

(or it was a girl salesperson who was hot- thus her success). So part of me wonders....

If some people are just not cut out to be in sales, and thus won't really reach the level you are at in game either....

or...

If we got good with game, with people, if almost anyone could be good at sales.

Basically I see a strong connection between the two, and hearing you be in sales and being successful at game, I am not surprised. So I naturally question whether I would be good at it like you.

Not really a question, more so just thinking out loud.

Yep, there is definitely an overlap between sales & pickup skills!

But the truth is that either one can be learned and mastered. The big difference is that it usually doesn't make sense for someone who is not naturally gifted at sales to focus on it because there are a multitude of career options.

Whereby pretty much everyone wants to date, fall in love, have sex, so they have to confront that problem head on.

Do you have a girlfriend or wife? How many girls have you slept with?

Haha, I choose to keep certain information private now that I'm in the public :)

Hey tofu.

Scenario: A girl you casually dated for several months doesnt want to date anymore because she sees nothing come out if it. Youre totally fine with it and understand her. Some days in you realize you like her alot more than you thought.

Did that ever happen to you, and if so what did you do about it?

That's tough... You kinda blew it once, it sounds like (sorry bro).

This is kinda where the playbook gets thrown out. Call her up, invite her out, tell her you fucked up and you want to see her again. Then make sure you don't fuck it up next time. Part 8 of the reddit version of Above The Game covers relationship game. It's worth a read if you haven't seen it.

Good luck!

I notice that when you give advice to someone being really negative and antagonistic, you always come back with positivity over and over again. It's easy to understand why, but my question is: Do you get annoyed with these guys (thus bringing down your positivity) or are you such a generally positive person looking to help that you ignore the negativity? Seems useful out in the field when some girl is having a bad night.

Hey thanks for noticing that! I do try to be as positive as possible. Positivity trumps negativity every time.

I only get annoyed with people when they completely refuse to acknowledge their limiting beliefs. I have no problem having a dialogue with someone who then decides to stick with their original beliefs, but the refusal to recognize them at all drives me a little nutty :)

I have no interest or desire in pursuing women, or even socializing I guess. I've had a few women show interest in me, but I'm not interested in escalating even if they were attractive.It could be anxiety but I don't really feel anxious.

Any advice? Thanks

You have no interest in socializing at all? Are you sure about that? Is it out of frustration or something else?

I think I don't really care about it, or going out of my way to do that. However, I do feel worse if I don't. I have a couple of friends now. Last year when I try to invite some people out they hang out once but never seem to reciprocate, so I'm not sure whats wrong there

I have started college now, but I haven't had much social experience before that. In particular it's been difficult for me to balance school and social/other things. Last semester I just spent all my time on school. In high school I couldn't go out so balance wasn't a problem.

I recently stopped watching porn/masturbating and it seems to have positive effects but maybe that's placebo. This might sound ignorant, but I don't understand the point of dating. What's it for? Furthermore, why should I go out and meet women?

Life is better with friends in it... That's why it's worth trying. Also your stories will be better with others in them to contribute :)

What do you do for fun in Connecticut? Where do you pick up women in CT?

I play a lot of basketball, hang out in friends' houses, BBQs, the beach :)

Also I've been doing a lot of bar trivia recently. Come join sometime! We do it in New Haven.

Hi TofuTofu, I first want to say thank you for everything you've done. It truley put things into prospective and I cannot wait for the book to come out.

Question - I come from a very traditional family. How do I find a girl for marriage and have her be attracted to me without having sex with her? (sex before marriage is frowned upon)

How do I find a girl for marriage and have her be attracted to me without having sex with her?

The simplest solution is to find a girl who comes from a similar background and would be most likely to be understanding of such a thing.

Tofutofu, Are Asian guys at a disadvantage to white guys in the seduction world in the US? I've been recently told to give it up because of this from a few other people in "the game".

(Note: I've been reading seddit for 2 months)

Don't worry about things you can't control. It's a completely pointless waste of your mental energy.

any dating advice for a woman?

Make yourself approachable! So many women stare at their cell phones with a scowl on their face and then wonder why guys don't approach them! Don't be one of them :)

Hey Ken, I 'm not an active seddit member but I remember reading a couple of your posts over the last few years and you seem like a real genuine guy.

For PUA/Self-actualization related stuff I visit RSDnation and have found a lot of value there, I was wondering if you were familiar with RSD and if so what are your thoughts on that community?

I'm very familiar with RSD! I love a lot of what they do but they jumped the shark a couple years ago IMO. They purposely obscure and complicate a lot of relatively simple concepts. This is so they can keep generating gobs and gobs of free content to keep you in their marketing funnel. Their business is about selling expensive coaching packages, not in selling material. From a business sense, it makes more sense to stretch all their knowledge out as much as humanly possible and sell you coaching to make sense of it all.

I read a similar claim a while ago and even though I understand where you are coming from I really wonder if it's their actual strategy to obscure things.

Anyway I admit a lot of the stuff is obscure intended or not. I just filter out what is valuable to me. I'll be sure to look to your series of posts next.

On a completely different note, what's your stance on meditation?

It's just content marketing 101... Give away lots of content for free to keep yourself in front of your customers. The issue is there is a finite amount of knowledge on social dynamics so they have to keep rehashing the same stuff. Also every year they have to come up with a new marketing angle to keep it fresh. It leads to a lot of fluff.

On a completely different note, what's your stance on meditation?

I think it's awesome! Learning the difference between your ego & true being is a critical part of self-development. Meditating is one of the best ways to strip the ego away.

thanks for doing this ama. you are great.

you are in an open relationship, when is the best time or moment to tell a girl about this in order to keep things fun and simple?!

have you expierences that girls judged you for that?

how do you deal with it?

you are in an open relationship, when is the best time or moment to tell a girl about this in order to keep things fun and simple?!

As early as possible! If you're into poly stuff as a lifestyle, you really should be working this into your qualification questions when you are "screening" a girl. Asking her if she's into other girls, if she'd ever consider an open relationship, etc... It will scare off a lot of women but that's kind of the point! You will have a VERY difficult time trying to convert someone who isn't open to it to being open to it. It's better to tackle it before you get too involved.

People will judge you, but fuck 'em. It's your life and you have the right to live it as you choose.

Okay, here's a problem I've run into: For whatever reason, women I get with think I don't get with a lot of women. Must be my personality, maybe they just want to feel special-- whatever. But every time, I make sure to make it clear I'm not interested in anything exclusive. "Oh yeah of course me too." Problem is they never really believe me, they think I'm just trying to talk a big game.

Then they end up getting hurt when they find out I wasn't lying.

...

Help!

Wow, that's a situation I haven't heard before! (And that's saying something.)

I think you need to be more direct with it early on. "Listen, I absolutely cherish you but full disclosure, I have other women in my life. I hope this isn't a problem."

Extreme honesty is warranted here IMO. As a man, you have the power to color all her future interactions with men. Take that responsibility seriously.

What would you consider the best way to improve and to improve quickly?

Get my book and actually follow the action items in each chapter. (Sorry to be blunt, but I wouldn't have written it if I didn't think it was a step up from all the current advice.)

I read up to "cut out friends who don't fit your self-image" and didn't agree. Reading further, a lot makes sense, but who can just do that?

What I mean by that is... If you have people in your life who contribute nothing but misery, think long and hard about why you allow that to be.

I guess that makes sense, I was interpreting it as "I can't be friends with X because he's not as cool as me" or similar douchebaggery.

That's great feedback, thank you! I agree, it's a little unclear right now. I will reword for the book!

Pancakes or Waffles?

I have a soft spot in my heart for a stack of 3 pancakes with tons of butter between each layer... So good... I think I need to get some.

How do you feel about taxi drivers named Muhammad?

Ahahaha when are we jamming again?

What are the best places to meet girls if under 18? All I know of right now are malls.

School, the park, the beach, malls/department stores, Froyo places, the bowling alley... Why don't you find some girls your age and ask them where they like to hang out? Seems like a good opener to me! :)

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Yeah, adding her on facebook is a fine idea. That's always good for "missed connections."

Next time though, man up and pull the trigger, dude! I cannot tell you how many times I've missed chances like that. There's no time like the present to get her digits :)

Whats an advice you give about getting better with women, that many people would be surprised to hear?

Something where people dont usually say 'yeah, that makes sense', but rather 'wait, what? are you serious? this works?'

Oh man, where to begin!

One is genuinely being PLAYFUL. I'll see it all the time in bars & nightclubs especially...

One guy is talking to a woman, being polite, courteous, keeping a safe distance, not really moving much, talking to her about deep stuff... He's not doing anything wrong per se, but he's... boring...

Then some other guy who is confident and playful will come in, ask her the silliest question you could imagine, maybe grab her by the hand, spin her around, pick her up in the air, and just be silly, like a little kid. And women will very often start giving their focus to the new, fun, exciting guy and start ignoring the nice guy who was trying to play "by the rules."

Seriousness has its place, but playfulness will win over seriousness almost every time, especially in a high energy environment. being playful demonstrates that you don't take yourself too seriously which is a key indicator of confidence. And confidence is attractive.

Please, men, really think twice about spontaneously flipping around a woman or picking her up in the air. I'm not saying it couldn't work out great, certainly there are women who would enjoy this a lot, maybe try this out first with someone you're fairly familiar with already.

I had a guy friend who was really into this literally picking up women thing and let's just say more than one time it ended with him and the woman crashing into a row of barstools. Definitely don't recommend, especially after both parties have been drinking for a bit.

Hahaha I did it once recently in a nightclub in NYC. The woman, umm... let's just say she was a lot more dense than I thought she was. It was pretty fail.

Of course. Thanks for pointing that out! Calibration is key.

great AMA. Thanks for taking the time to write indepth answers. One more, if I may:

Youre texting, everything is going great, and then she stops replying, out of the blue. Next course of action?

You can always call her. She probably won't pick up, but it never hurts.

But really... Sometimes people are flakey or don't want to text. It can be for a million different reasons, so don't waste any brain cycles trying to analyze it. Just give her some time and reengage at a later date when you have something of value to offer her (aka invite her out to do something cool). That's the best you can do!

What was your best experience while you were in Japan - be it the nature, the cities or picking someone up?

Without a doubt, it was my going away party. I am so fucking proud of it...

As late as October 2010 I was more or less friendless in Japan. In May 2011, after 6 short months of working my ass off to build a social circle I was able to throw a full day mega-party (Lunch -> Dart bar -> raucous dinner & drinks -> karaoke, bowling, ping-pong -> best nightclub in Japan with guestlist entry). I had over 40 people I am proud to call dear friends to this day come through and party with me. It was one of the greatest days of my life.

It just proved what a little bit of introspection and effort can accomplish in a short amount of time.

Hey Tofu! I've also got a background in headhunting and sales management. I'm great at opening groups, keeping momentum, smiling and being fun/ slightly challenging while building rapport. In sales, when I was young, I had closing reluctance. Now I know the exact times to close and how to do it. How do I learn more about recognizing moments of opportunity and proper escalation/closing for either same night lay or number close. PS: first night out at a club last night and got 2 make outs :)

first night out at a club last night and got 2 make outs :)

Haha sounds like you could teach me a thing or two ;)

How do I learn more about recognizing moments of opportunity and proper escalation/closing for either same night lay or number close.

Honestly, just go for it. Stop waiting for the exact moment. YES it's always better to try to escalate when her buying temperature is at its highest, but unlike in sales, escalation attempts in themselves are a turn-on!

She may rebuff your advance, but (unless she's really not into you, which will be pretty obvious) just the fact that you demonstrated and acted on your desire serves to raise her buying temperature by itself! The act of being desired is a fundamental turn-on.

tl;dr: don't be shy

What exactly do you talk about with the women it group when you approach them? Do you become the center of attention? I've read above the game and love it man. Keep the good work up man, I really appreciate what youre doing here

As a group... It really depends on the environment and personalities, but as a general rule, if you can make an effort to get to know each and every person and not focus on one individual (at first) you will have a lot more success. If you win the group over they will become your best wingman! Nothing's better than having a woman's friends pushing her to be with you!

Thanks for the kind words :)

Big fan of /r/seduction, even though I don't browse it much anymore. Definitely helped me a TON in my life. No real question, just want to give my support for what you do.

Glad you took value from it, man!

So u was wondering is there a way to unfriendzone yourself or are you there for good once you are there. I have a situation that is long and drawn out so I thought this was the best question to ask about it

Great question! Of course it's possible to get out of the friend zone, but it's a lot of work.

Here is the good news, though... My advice for both getting out of the friend zone and what to do if you don't care about getting out of the friend zone are exactly the same:

Go meet more women! Start dating! Get some phone numbers! Put yourself out there! When she sees that other women desire you as a sexual being, it'll paint you in a new light.

As for avoiding the friend zone... You need to be more direct with your intentions early on. Don't just do nice things and hope she'll magically fall for you. Make MOVES (this means, kiss her damn it!) and force her to either accept or reject you as a lover. Otherwise you're just friend-zoning yourself.

Thoughts on being successful as an introvert?

Yes. Don't use introversion as an excuse for living in unhappy life.

It sucks to hear, but you need to get out there and talk to people or you will not solve your love life issues. I've seen so many self-identified introverts basically morph into extroverts over time because of their newly found self-confidence and friendships.

So my advice is to get out of your comfort zone. And meet people in places where you genuinely enjoy going. In other words, if you're not a bar guy, don't feel you have to be a bar guy. But be a [something] guy! Maybe you like to play board games... Well join a meetup group for it!

But you need to get out and actually talk to people. All my advice applies equally to introverts as it does to extroverts, it's just you might have a bit more of a hurdle to overcome. So work that much harder to do it!

What/when was your turning point?

Who was the girl who hurt you the most? How old were you when this happened?

What was your college major?

What/when was your turning point?

It was December 2010/January 2011. I had gotten pretty deep into this stuff while living in Tokyo and I took a one month trip to the USA for the holidays. I went out and practiced this stuff nightly with my closest friends in CT, NYC, Miami, Washington DC, and Las Vegas. I started seeing some massive success in different environments and realized I had reached the level where I hoped to be.

I actually live-blogged the whole thing if you go back through my post history you can see the stories!

Who was the girl who hurt you the most? How old were you when this happened?

Definitely my first girlfriend. We dated for 5 years from high school and college. Her cheating on me sent me into a pretty nasty depression. I was 19 when it happened.

What was your college major?

I started in Computer Science but I couldn't pass Calc 2 (I dropped it 3 times!) I switched to Asian Studies after a one year study abroad in Japan and never looked back.

It says on your kick starter(http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/tofutofu/above-the-game-a-guide-to-getting-awesome-with-wom) you will be doing a free seminar in NYC.

When? Where? And could you give us a small primer on what you are going to talk about?

Thanks!

Thanks for asking about that! Location is still TBD. I want to do it someplace more fun and relaxing than a conference room, but logistically it might be tricky. It also depends on headcount. Gonna try to do it in July or August, so maybe an outdoor venue would be cool.

As for the content... I'm not gonna walk through and cover all the material in the book (that's what the book is for). The focus will be on coming up with a style that is unique to you, and the steps and methods to actually achieving that.

Just a note, the seminar will only be open to backers of the campaign, so if anyone wants in, you know what to do! I will also be doing one in San Francisco later in the summer.

Congrats on the Kickstarter and I look forward to the book and consultation. I'm curious, though, any thoughts to when the book is done to what you'd want to do next?

Thanks for your support! I'm really enjoying the publishing process so far... I have a couple of book ideas that have nothing to do with seduction that I'd like to write in the next couple years.

Without giving too much away, I have experienced some things that give me a perspective on some stories that only a handful of people would have the knowledge to tell (and even fewer have the ability to do so). I know I'm a pretty gifted writer so it would be a shame to put that skill to waste. Plus it's something I can do on the side of my full-time job :)

Do you plan on using Kickstarter for those projects as well? I'm sure you'd have a lot of backers who just want to help you out. :]

Kickstarter has been amazing! I'd love to use it again. I've also been approached by some traditional publishers so I will consider that route as well.

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I had the same girlfriend for all 4 years of high school so I wasn't doing any sort of gaming. Also I went to an all-boys high school!

As far as high school goes... Just be outgoing and friendly. Talk to everyone, especially girls. Just by having the balls to approach in the first place you will have more success than 99% of your peers.

Also, play sports if you're physically gifted. That will go a long way :)

But seriously, don't get too bogged down worrying about seduction theory and advice at such a young age. You'll miss out on some pretty awesome experiences if you're constantly analyzing everything through a pickup lens.

I always freeze up and can never think of the next topic of conversation. Any tips on how to keep the conversation flowing?

I always freeze up

Why do you freeze up? Does that happen a lot? I hate when I freeze up. One time I froze up when I was giving a presentation and the whole classroom laughed at me. Did that ever happen to you?

and can never think of the next topic of conversation.

I hate when that happens. It's just like a lull. Awkward silence is a weird thing. Let's spend the next 20 seconds in awkward silence. Have you ever seen that late night host do that? It's really funny. Conversation is a funny sounding word, I wonder where it came from. Any ideas?

What I did there is called "conversation threading." The other person is giving you material to work with in a myriad of ways. Try to take their words and create conversation threads based on them. It's easier than it sounds! You just need some practice :)

Go spend some time talking to people. They can anyone, your butcher, a salesman in a store, some random old guy at the bar, the bartender on a slow day, the man next to you in the elevator, anyone!

Just wanted to say congratulations on taking it to the next level!

Thank you!

You should probably get a new publicist because 3/4 of reddit doesn't even know you who are let alone your book

That's why I'm here :)

I would love a publicist hah. I'm definitely not gifted in the dark arts of PR!

Huge fan of your work. My question isn't directly related to seduction, but undeniably has a relation: do you know of any really good ways for a person to build their self-esteem up? I have huge issues of thinking that I'm inferior to most other men, and do not stand a chance when competing for their attention and affection.

As always: thanks for this, and am really looking forward to your book.

Thanks for your kind words.

I think finding a support group will definitely be helpful. There is no shame in talking to a therapist, counselor, or mentor about these issues. We all feel low self-esteem from time to time.

But outside of that, I think that putting yourself out there is the ultimate solution. You NEED to get over the fear of rejection. A lot of what I talk about in the book involve incremental steps to callous yourself against rejection. Rejections should be funny and hilarious, not crippling and demoralizing!

Once you do that, you will invariably experience SOME level of success and you will start building reference points to build upon. This requires applied effort but this is your long term happiness we're talking about! If that's not worth taking the time to work on it, I don't know what is!

If you want to learn more about this approach, read up on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Hi Ken. Huge fan of your book, you have my backing for sure, and I can't wait for your SF seminar. It's interesting to see the evolution from back when Mystery's Method reigns to now the new wave of honesty-first direct approach seduction philosophy introduced by Mark Manson and yourself, to name a few. My question is, how much merit do you see in Ross Jeffries pseudo hypnosis NLP techniques such as eliciting value, anchoring and the usage of trance words? Also I know you guys aren't big on routines but things like palm reading, cold reading, and silly kino games(e.g. thumb war) are golden. Never failed me before.

So... I've tried to dig into the NLP stuff. Since you follow me on seddit, you know I'm a knowledge junkie.

That being said... The amount of work it would take to become an NLP master is absolutely absurd. I 100% guarantee your time and efforts can be better spent doing other things (like going out and talking to women!)

I definitely believe all those tricks have merit, I just don't think they are a great use of your time. But if you genuinely enjoy those things, study away, my friend! They are pretty well known to be what Ross Jeffries calls "chick crack" and my understanding is they work pretty well!

I backed your book earlier and psyched to receive it! Though you work with translation primarily in the industry, do you know basic paths to get in to voice acting? I've been working in radio for over a year now and I wonder how to transfer those skills over to this industry if I feel like it.

Awesome question. There are 3 hubs for voice acting:

1) Los Angeles 2) New York City 3) Texas

You need to be in one of those locations to get any real traction. Anime is definitely a way to get in and then you can transition into videogame work and other things that (hopefully) pay better.

In NYC or LA you need your SAG card. This is pretty much non-negotiable. Texas is a non-union state.

From there you need to get to know people in the industry and get a chance to audition. Get your demo reel ready and hit up some of the conventions/social media/old-school telephone and talk to people at the right companies!

In NYC this means NYAV Post. In LA this means Bang-Zoom. In Texas this means Section23/Sentai Filmworks in Houston and Funimation in Flower Mound (outside Dallas).

It's not that difficult to do assuming you have talent and are willing to work cheap to start. They are always looking for fresh faces! Good luck!