I Am A birth mother who choose a same-sex couple for her son in an open adoption. AMA! (First post, as well!)

Not a question, but thank you for proving gay couples can raise kids just fine.

You are very welcome. I whole-heartedly agree. I honestly couldn't imagine better parents.

How can you tell they are gonna be good parents?

They love him with everything, even their extended family. When he was born, they flew in from as far away as Greece. They're just all around amazing people.

As the sister of a gay man, THANK YOU!! I've told my brother multiple times that I would happuly surrogate for him when he meets Mr. Right! I am so anry at the stigma and delusional fear that same sex couples evoke.

That's an amazing gift! I hope you get the opportunity some day. Not many people can say they've changed someone's life forever.

Did you know the couple beforehand?

How much of a quagmire is the adoption/foster process, when the adopter/foster is a male?

Is it easier or harder for a Male/Male SS couple than just a single Male (well I live with my GF but legally am single).

I ask because I've wanted to foster troubled kids since I got sent to juvenile "rehabilitation" center when my parents tried to scare me strait.

Seriously these kids are getting completely screwed, they're part of a machine, they have NO advocates and if I can get my financial shit together I want to get as many out as I can.

1) No! But I chose them from their profile on the adoption agency's website.

2) The agency I worked with was fantastic, and my experience was as "easy" as they could make it. I know that it is a bit more difficult for adoptive couples, because they require bi-yearly home visits with a social worker even if you just apply to adopt. In the case of my son's adoptive dads, they'd been waiting almost five years.

I completely agree with you about the foster system, and that's why I was so involved with my son's adoption rather than handing him over to the state and having them place him with a random family that may not be as open as I'd have liked to have. I think it's great you want to foster!

I want to say thank you for doing this. I have friends who were only able to have their daughter by finding a surrogate willing to carry a child for them, and other friends who are hoping to adopt (but who live in Texas and the process is slow). M/M and F/F couples are available and willing to be wonderful parents, and I hope more people will step up and give them a chance to do so. :)

Thank you! I wish your friends the best of luck :)

Not really a question, but as a gay male in my early 20s who may want a child one day, it makes me smile that there are people like you out there who have an open mind and are willing to help someone find happiness.

Thank you :) I wish you the best of luck.

Could you please explain what an "open adoption" is? Do you get to see your son?

An open adoption is not legally enforceable, but the adoptive dads have welcomed myself and the birth father in to their family with open arms. I get pictures every month, we skype, we talk on the phone, etc. There's two thousand miles between us, but we're flying up in July to celebrate his first birthday together! It'll be the first time I've seen him since he was 5 days old.

Have you gotten more positive or negative backlash from your decision? Was your family supportive?

More positive, I would say, but I tend to ignore the negative. I've gotten some nasty comments before, but I'm confident in my decision.

My family is fantastic. I couldn't ask for better support.

That's great, a good support system is important. You're an awesome person :)

Thank you :)

Oh my...There is something in my eye! :>) What a wonderful thing to do. I'm touched.

Thank you!

Do you think Ian and the future kids can have a relationship? Don't you think Ian will feel odd being the one who you didn't keep?

I am hoping so. Ian's birth father and I just celebrated our two year anniversary on Wednesday, and an engagement is hopefully in the near future, so my dream is to be one big, blended family. I think that, because of our open adoption plan, he won't feel like we "didn't keep" him, but more like we let two people love him and give him more opportunities than I could dream of. He's 10 months old and has already seen more of the united states than I have!

As I'm reading this I'm realizing that your situation is very similar to mine and my husband's. We were young, in love, and had an unexpected pregnancy as well. We placed our son in an open adoption and have a very close relationship with him and his family. Our son is 14 now and things are great, but there were some difficult periods. For example when he was younger (like 9), he saw how happily married we are, saw that we were financially stable, had a house and 2 dogs, but he wasn't quite old enough to grasp the concept that we weren't always this way. He doesn't remember/understand how different our life was when we had him just out of high school and were trying to find our place in the world. Just something to think about. If you ever want talk about with someone who's been there, feel free to hit me up. My name is Heather :-)

Thank you so much! :) That's awesome that you're still in contact.

Just stopping by to recommend you read The Kid by Dan Savage- it's about his and his partner's open adoption.

Awesome! Thank you!

I am an open adopted son. My sister is also an open adopted daughter from a different birth mother. Finally, my adoptive mother is an adoption attorney. From my perspective, open adoption is one of the best solutions to unplanned pregnancies, under certain circumstances that is. For example, I wouldn't recommend open adoption with a birth mother and father who are mentally unstable and/or abusive or the birth family in general produces a harmful environment.

In my case, my birth mother was in a similar situation as yourself. She was 19 and was barely capable to provide for herself at the time. I have no recollection of exactly when I was told that I was adopted, I have just grown up knowing that I was adopted. Our families (birth family and adopted family) would always get together for the holidays at least once or twice a year (as a child it was always nice having my birth family live near Disneyland). I have been fortunate to have both families to be very open and loving. I would say that my relationship with my birth mother is analogous to an aunt-nephew relationship. We usually keep in touch via phone or Facebook. Last month I visited my birth family to celebrate my birth grandmother's birthday.

I commend you for having the courage and responsibility to put your child up for adoption. Especially in your case for providing the same-sex couple such an amazing opportunity to to provide a higher quality life that you're unable to provide at the time. I have had many conversations with my birth mother about her experience, and it is not easy an easy task. I wish you and your families the best.

If anyone has any questions regarding the other side of the adoption feel free to ask. I may need help figuring out this commenting and messaging process because I literally just made an account to provide insight on this subject.

Thank you for sharing your story!

1. How did you get pregnant?
2. Did you actively seek a same sex couple?
3. If so. Why?

1) It definitely wasn't planned. Failed birth control.

2) Yes, but I didn't discount m/f couples. We were just on the same page with the adoption plan we wanted.

3) I was babysat in my younger years by a m/m couple, and they never were able to adopt. I saw how happy it made them to kind of "play parent" me, and it never struck me as unusual because I was never told that it wasn't ~traditional~. Basically, I wanted to do as much good as I could with the hand I was dealt.

Props to you for being that open minded. Did you know them before?

I have a gay work colleague in that same situation and he is a much more dedicated Father than I could hope to be.

How active are you in your kid's life?

1) I did not, but I was given the opportunity to meet them before I made my choice.

2) I get monthly emails, and we Skype and talk on the phone occasionally. I'm seeing them in July for his first birthday!

Sounds like a very brave decision. Some follow ups if you do not mind.

1. Boy or girl?
2. Do you plan a long term relationship with the kid?
3. How old are you?
4. Was it a financial decision?
5. Will you have more kids?

1) Boy. His name is Ian.

2) Absolutely.

3) I was 19 when I got pregnant. I'm 21 now.

4) Somewhat, obviously. I was making $400 a month, living with three roommates in a college town.

5) Yes, absolutely. But not for at least another five years.

Who chose the name?

They chose the first name, I chose the middle, and his last name is hyphenated.

Props to you, and to your parents for starting the dialogue years ago by having a gay couple babysit. It was surely more taboo then.

My dad is the best and most open-minded person I know. Thank you!

You are a very selfless person, and I commend you on your very generous act.

Thank you so much <3

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It would have been 10x more selfish to keep him in a run down apartment with three other people and parents who make a total of $900 a month and don't have health insurance.

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You are allowed to speak directly to me, especially if it is criticism. No need to reference me in passing. I'm still very much lurking the post.

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Thank you! And I understand where you're coming from. I'm not saying I'm a saint or a super-hero, but I think it may be different from a woman-to-woman perspective. I formed an attachment to Ian from the moment I found out I was pregnant, and leaving the hospital empty handed and empty bellied was one of the most difficult moments of my life. I wanted to keep him, but I knew it wouldn't be the best for him.

Do you have any regrets?

None whatsoever.

How does it feel to be responsible for the corruption of the American Family?

Just kidding, thanks for doing the AMA!

Oh, that was my initial goal, of course. Next I'm planning a super virus.

You're welcome ;)

I just want to say thank you for what you did and for sharing your story! My partner and I have been trying to adopt for a few years now. We had some pushback in the beginning of the process because people just couldn't understand why one of us just wouldn't get pregnant ourselves. The odds were against us from the start because neither of us can carry a child.

I'm happy to say that after 6 years if trying to have our own and trying to adopt, we have finally found a wonderful birth mom who has picked us to adopt her baby. She is due in September! We can't wait to become parents!!!

That's awesome! Congratulations.

if it were two females raising your offspring, would you be worried about them raising him as a lesbian?

jk congrats

Hahahah <3 Thank you.

• Have you experienced sadness, depression, or any other negative emotional issues from the adoption?
• Why did you choose adoption over abortion or parenting?
• What was your parent's reaction to your decision? (Both to adopt and to adopt out to a gay couple)
• What are the pros and cons you've found in placing a child?
• Were there any costs you had to pay during the adoption or pregnancy?

1) Occasionally, but it passes quickly. I know how happy I made the adoptive parents and I know he's 100x more spoiled!

2) Abortion was an option, but I decided ultimately to turn an (for lack of a better word) unfortunate situation in the best thing that I could.

3) My dad hugged me and told me that his friend Rick (who was a gay man who babysat me when I was younger) would have been proud. He died of brain cancer about five years ago.

4) The pros are obvious: -A better life for the child than I could have provided -I can grow my career before I have a dependent

The only con is that some people have a hard time grasping the concept that adoption doesn't have to be a traumatic and heartbreaking thing. It's about what you make it.

5) No, the adoption agency covers all of the medical bills.

Interesting AMA! I'll ask a couple :)

Did you have to put up with people who should have been keeping their noses out of your business in the first place giving you a hard time? If so how did you respond?

Did you have any sort of couple in mind when choosing potential adoptive parents or did you specifically want to help a gay couple have a family?

Did anyone's reaction to your decision surprise you?

Thanks :)

1) Yes, absolutely. There are always people who try to give their two cents to change your mind. I was always confident in my choice, and I made two people extremely happy, so I don't really pay attention to the nay-sayers.

2) I wanted a couple with no specific religion (or none at all), who wanted an open adoption and would give my child more opportunity than I could provide, and not just financially. His adoptive dads are cultured, world-travelers who both have masters.

3) I was surprised by the fact that I had so much positive feedback, honestly. I expected the taboo of, not only adoption, but of same-sex couples adopting, to turn a lot of people away from me, but I'm happy to say I've not lost any friends or had any harsh reactions from family!

Sounds like you didn't give the haters the time of day! Thanks for answering :)

You're welcome :)

Why?

Because gay couples have the hardest time adopting a child, and I believe that because it's such a rare opportunity, that they'll make exceptional parents. Many states give the birth parent a say in the placement of their child, and most choose to place with a "traditional" couple.

I would think gay couples would be more open to an 'open adoption' as well, right? Seeing as the child would be able to figure out that they're adopted at a much younger age.

Well I don't think that the majority of parents who adopt children really hide the fact that they're adopted, and it's not like kids understand reproduction as toddlers. Their sexual identities had nothing to do with their adoption plan.

Good on you!

So did you choose to get pregnant for this reason or did you get pregnant by accident then decide?

I became pregnant due to failed birth control, though I wouldn't be opposed to the idea of being a surrogate.

Do you sometimes worry that your son will perhaps face more difficulties with peers when he grows up because he has two dads? Or do you think that in another ten years, what gender your parents are might not even matter that much anymore in your peer group? (I also want to say I honestly think you did a great thing, I'm just wondering whether that was sth you worried about when choosing a same-sex couple)

Thank you :)

Obviously it crosses my mind, but I honestly think (or hope, at the very least) when he's old enough to understand, that people's perceptions will have changed. Besides, his fathers were both ridiculed heavily as teenagers, so they're going to prepare him well. Even his birth fathers' families are 100% supportive of their lifestyle. One of the dad's mother's (how's that for confusing?) actually flies a rainbow flag outside her house year-round and when someone asks her, she proclaims "I have a gay son, and I want everyone to know I'm proud!"

The censor blob on the baby's face is for some reason adorable.

He's the cutest blob.

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I named him Aspen when he was born, because they hadn't decided on a name and I didn't want him to be nameless. They changed it to Ian and kept Aspen as his middle name.

I won't make decisions, necessarily, but they do ask me questions like "What do you want to see him do with his future?"

• Did you receive some kind of compensation OR ?
  
• What was the first opinion of your SO on the ADOPTION of your child?

No compensation. My s/o was completely supportive.

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They were the best fit. The perfect fit, in fact.

Why open adoption? Why not cut ties and allow the parents to raise him without the confusion?

My daughter was adopted by her step-father....she had never......ever met her biological. We never hid that she was adopted, infact, we spoke of it openly, but did not share with her his information until she was an adult. Not that my situation is relevant to yours, just curious why you made this choice.

I don't believe there will be confusion. The adoptive dads will always be the parental voice in his life, but he needs to know where he came from, and myself and his bio dad will be there to answer any questions he has. We are going to be there for every major event, and that's the way that everyone involved wants it to be. If Ian decides he does not want to have contact with us at some point, that will be his choice and we will wait and hope he decides to welcome us in to his life again.

Sooo delving a little further, I am still looking for the why you made this choice. Was it because you couldn't give him up completely? I am not being controversial, I understand what an open adoption is and why they are done. I am asking why you chose this method for you. And how are you introduced? "Friend" "birthmother".

And thank you for opening up for these tough questions. This is a difficult situation, lots of questions.

Partly, it's because I didn't want him to be completely out of my life, of course. I think the bigger thing, though, is that I wanted him to be able to have comfortable communication with his biological parents. People don't realize how strange it is growing up not knowing who you get your height, nose, eyes, etc. from. I noticed from the moment he was born that he made the same faces when he slept as his bio dad does. I wanted an open adoption so that he never had to wonder.

Reading this ama just prompted me to call the hall of records in my birth state, because it is sometimes difficult for me to go to doctors and tell them that I have no known medical history besides my own past. It would be far easier if I knew of possible drug allergies or pre-dispositions to certain cancers and such... I'm 25, and maybe some day I'll meet my birth mum and tell her how much I appreciate the opportunities she gave me by letting me go. I doubt a teenage parent would have been able to provide me with so much life opportunities as my parents were able to.

I hope you get the chance to meet her, and I'm glad you're grateful! Things like that make me so happy to hear.

Do you have any advice as to the best way to proceed in my hunt? I know very little about my birth parents... Any good websites you could recommend or something?

An adopted child would be able to give you wayy more information than I could. I'm sure there's plenty on here!

Also, I'm introduced as the birth mother. To my son, I'm his "mhibu", which is a word in Swahili loosely translating to "dear one". His bio dad is "afeeni", which means the same. We all felt it would be awkward if he called us by our first names.

I think you're great for doing something like this.

How do you hope his fathers (or how would you, yourself) deal with him getting bullied in school about this?

And I'm sure this will have a kind of obvious answer but I have to throw it out there anyways.. Do you think he will grow up confused about his own sexuality? How will his fathers react when he asks something like "Am I gay too?"

1) They live in an area with many families (some same-sex) who have adopted children. I hope that, by the time he is in school five years from now, people will be more accepting of different types of families. If children are told that it's just as okay to have two dads as it is to have a mom and a dad, he should encounter no cruelty. I know that it isn't entirely avoidable, but I know he will be well-prepared for it.

2) I don't think so. I'm sure the subject will come up, and whatever path he takes, he will be 100% supported. I, however, don't believe the "gay parents influence children to be gay" theory.

D you plan on seeing the child in the future to see how he turns out?

I plan on being a constant in his life always, but that also depends on how receptive he is to me. His adoptive fathers do a great job in making sure everyone understands that we are one family.

I am curious to know if the sex of the child was a factor in this decision. If it were a girl would you have been more inclined to keep her? If it were a girl would you still have chosen gay males as opposed to a lesbian couple?

Sex wasn't a factor, of the couple or of the child. I would've chosen a straight or f/f couple if our adoption plans were the same.

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I'm trying to reply to every comment quickly, and when explaining this particular type of family, it can be hard to keep it all straight. My apologies if minor grammatical errors hinder your comprehension so drastically that you can't understand my replies.

How does this work do you just get knocked up and choose some fitting parents? Is this your first?

He is my first. And I suppose, yes, though that's not the most eloquent way to word it.

Do you feel that by making such a big deal about allowing a gay couple to adopt your kid you're not helping the gay community in any way? Wouldn't it have been better to just allow them to adopt and act as if it is a normal thing to do, rather than to portray yourself as some sort of savior to gays?

I'm not portraying myself as a savior at all. Most people in my day-to-day life have no clue, and most days I feel like I'm the lucky one to have such wonderful people parent my son. I would have the same feelings if they were a straight couple. I wanted to do this because people would not normally get the chance to ask a birth mother such direct questions without feeling rude.

you are a very smart grrrl ... I really like your style!

Thank you :)

So is there a reason you can't take responsibility for your own kid? Are you working? I see you have plenty of time for reddit...also your kid is going to be very confused.

Plenty of time for Reddit? I spent ~an hour answering questions last night, then woke up and worked a ten hour shift as a hairdresser.

Okay, thank you for answering one of my two questions. So you have a job, great. Now for my other question: is there a reason you don't take responsibility for your own child? Assuming you are supporting yourself with a job I fail to understand why you would give away your own blood to strangers.

Would you want your child to have to live off of less than $400 a month? I don't think so. I understand this is a hobby for you or something, but you're honestly not going to get to me. Trust me buddy, I've heard it all.

How much did you net from the sale?

Nothing. Monetary compensation is illegal in most states.

Most states? Where is it legal (or possible) to receive money for an adoption?

I am surprised the baby selling question was down voted; surrogates and egg donors make money for their services and it is hardly regulated in the US. Great ama and congratulations on your positive experience and for helping such a loving couple have a family!

My question is what are your thoughts on surrogate mothers?

Thank you very much :)

I'm not too well-read on other states' adoption laws, but I think most of (if not all of) it is done illegally or implied as a "gift" (Not that it's a totally accurate depiction...but for example, the scene in Juno where Jennifer Garner asks what she would like in return).

My thought on surrogate mothers is that it's a great and selfless thing for someone to do, if they possess the strength. I always tell the adoptive fathers that I feel more like a surrogate, because in my mind, he was always "theirs", even though I had three days of exclusive bonding time before they were introduced to him.

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Thank you so much :)

I would definitely consider it, if the right couple came along. It would be years down the line, however, and after I'm done having children of my own. Of course, I'd probably be spending any money I would make being a surrogate on breast lifts and tummy tucks, haha.

Does it bother you that the baby is going to grow up ridiculed by their peers and develop a flawed perception of gender roles?

Gender roles are bullshit. I was raised by my father my entire life, and I can cook a mean pot roast and load a gun just fine. As far as being ridiculed by his peers, I know he'll grow up understanding that he should return their ignorance with patience, and understand that sometimes people are just afraid of having their perceptions challenged.

Gender roles are not complete bullshit. Men are big and manly and built to do manly things like hunt. It's in our DNA. Sexual dimorphism exists for a reason. Not saying that one gender cannot take on roles of another, but there is a difference between adaptation and instinct.

And with that being said, there's no reason my son won't turn out just fine ;)

A child being raised by a same sex couple is child abuse. There is proof via case studies that show children raised by same sex couples are developmentally disadvantaged in many ways. There is something that both a man and woman give a child when they are raised. Ex: Children without a father are vastly likely to get in trouble with the law and end up in jail. You always hear the prison interviews. "Our father walked out on us"

And they're gay. They'lll probably end up touching him.

Downvote me, I know you reddit liberals hate the truth.

This is a disgusting way to look at it. I was living in a two bedroom apartment with three male roommates (one who was severely alcoholic and one who was violently bipolar), making $400 a month. Giving my child to parents who own their own home in a wealthy suburb, both have masters degrees, stable jobs (I don't even have health insurance), and are world travelers is FAR from child abuse. If you want to talk statistics, my child is more likely now to graduate from college.

So kindly, suck a dick.

wow you're a double fucktard..... that poor kid has to grow up adopted, with gay parents. here you are trying to get attention for being irresponsible. fuck you

Attention? And what's wrong with being adopted or having gay family members? I don't quite follow.