IAmA Russian Mail Order Bride living in US. AMA.

Is UPS as rough with delivery as I constantly hear about?

not when there is a russian woman inside

Why is russia full of lonely women? I understand that alcoholism is rampant over there, but is it really that bad?

alcoholism is very bad, life expectancy for men is terrible. women used to be economically disadvantaged - to get ahead in life you need a man. so women were treated like cattle - any blemish (old (over 20) age, former marriage, etc) and your value as a mate deteriorates.

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Yes

Did you bang the first night you met him?

Maybe.

1.) What part of Russia?

2.) How'd you get into it?

3.) Why get into it?

4.) Sex? Was he doing it for sex? Did you put out? How was the sex?

1) One of the stans 2) Played around online and signed up for paypal service 3) I was young and didn't have clear intentions, just curiosity 4) He was doing it for many reasons and I'm sure sex was one of them. He said I looked like every man's fantasy.

Edit: sex was OK.

I just got back from a trip to the -stans.. there are definitely some gorgeous women there. A friend of mine married a Russian girl (he was much older), they are still together and have three kids. His is one of the success stories I'm guessing.

yes, most Russian women just want to create a family. that is all.

I have a friend who's Russian, she came over to the US after high school. Everything going for her, wrapping up her PhD from MIT, and yet all she talked about is starting a family. She finally got her wish!

Yes that's how we are programmed :)

Are you a Biggie or Tupac fan? Or both?

Tupac

What would you say is the percentage of mail order brides who take the money and disappear?

I've met one. She got $100k after being married for 2 weeks to a guy worth $20M. Most others do not get much if anything - they are unfamiliar with laws, do not speak the language, and do not have any support system.

Did you have a plan B in case the marriage didn't work out? If yes, what was it? and would you ever go back to Russia if you got the American citizenship?

I was 21, so I didn't even have a plan A. And yes, I would go back to Russia - I had a good life there. Aside from being embarrassed, of course.

Is becoming a mail order bride in Russia an embarrassing thing?

No.

so whats there to be embarassed about if i may ask

that I couldn't make a success of my new family and my new country

I applaud you saying this. It isnt easy to admit you failed at something so important. It wasnt your fault though. A marriage is a partnership, and one person cant do it all themselves.

Dont worry. Im sure you will have another chance.

Thank you. I did have another chance and are happily married now. Just don't want to keep trying five times! :)

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Initially it was a honeymoon-like relationship. He treated me well and we had a brief dating period. I did notice him mistreating service staff (very rude) once and thought about leaving right then, but decided that I should be an adult and not bail on someone so easy.

What were your perceptions of the US before you came? Has your experience been anything like what you were expected since your divorce?

Perceptions before I came were shaped by Hollywood - so white picket fence and two story house with two kids and a dog. Or Manhattan. And all kinds of freedom for all. Turned out to be the opposite of that.

Since my divorce - yes, I live the American dream now. But I had to make it by myself.

The America depicted in film is still around. Just pockets of areas, though.

I know. I've seen it since.

Did you ever develop genuine affection for him?
What was it like at the beginning living with a stranger?
Did you feel forced to be intimate very soon after meeting?
Thanks

I did develop genuine affection - in his good/ sane times he was very fascinating and charming. He also travelled the world and had great taste. It all was like a great adventure. I didn't feel forced to be intimate.

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thank you for saying this.

Did you have a backstory ready for people who asked how you met or did you just tell everyone you were paid for?

I just said we've met online. Which is how we've met.

Hypothetically, If I'm looking for a mail-order bride:

• Are there any reputable websites I should check out?

• Is this arrangement typically done through a sort-of broker-esc company?

• Or is it more unstructured and casual?... meeting in a chatroom, etc.

My biggest fear is that I would somehow get involved in the world of sex slavery. I wouldn't want to support an organization that fostered that.

• How did you know you weren't being led into a trap?

Since I've done it so many years ago (in 1999), I don't know how it's done currently. If I were you, hypothetically, I would google as much information as I can and read reviews for various agencies. The website I used was not specifically for Russian mail-order brides, but rather, just for people from all over the world to meet and converse.

So...you're saying that you're single?

No. I married another American. Much better this time! :)

Does your new husband know your last husband paid for you?

Yes

Does he feel like he got sweet deal getting you for free?

yes, he did

Did you actually have feelings for the guy?

Yes. He was charming and worldy and told me many things that sounded great. Later he explained that puffery is American culture.

Do you regret it?

I thought about it a lot and decided that I do not. When I married him I was a stupid little girl and after this experience I grew into a strong adult.

I had a terrible first marriage as well. I got married because I was young, stupid and irresponsible. We had a kid. When that happened I grew up quite a bit, my spouse did not. It ended quite badly and was dysfunctional throughout. Still, I got a lot out of it as a person and I got my daughter who is the most wonderful thing in my life.

Good luck to you and I am glad to hear that your current husband is a substantial improvement. I have not been brave enough to try those waters again myself, but it is nice to see it working out for someone.

Thank you. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

As a strong adult, do you ever work the phrase "I will CRUSH you" into conversation? If not, can you start?

I actually do use that.

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No but he gave me a complete makeover.

How do you mean. Clothes, makeup and hair? Or did he want you to have plastic surgery?

Clothes, make up, hair - and even removal of a small birthmark I had. After he was done I could probably be a model. It was weird, I know, and I complained. But he begged for me to trust him saying that I am going to a new country where women look differently.

Here is a before/after picture

the mark was on my face. Monroe-esque

Did you ever feel like you were using him just to come live in America? Do you think he ever felt used?

I didn't feel like it - I was going to create a family, we had a kid. I supported him through crushing poverty and disability and only left him after he was OK again. He probably feels he was used - he tends to blame other people for his problems.

How do you perceive men that "order" their brides? Is there an outstanding difference to those that look for their wives themselves?

It depends on a particular man. If he is looking for something submissive and is going to abuse her - very negatively. But if he just wants to have a family and is out of luck in his own country - why not?

Interesting stuff, sorry about the shit bag first husband. Have you since remarried? And what's your current occupation?

Thanks. Yes, I remarried. I am an attorney now.

Good for you! happily married I hope.

very. :)

I'm curious to know how he introduced himself to you and how much in the way of communication (and kinds of communications) you had with him prior to him coming to Russia and marrying you.

he kept saying he was an American (i was unresponsive at first). he kept writing and messaging me for months. i don't recall how many months we communicated, but it was more than 6 and less than a year.

What's the postage?

same with any marriage - 1/2 of your assets.

not in my case though as I traded the assets for custody of our kid.

I think that says a lot about the guy, more interested in his belongings than his child.

yup

What did you do before you joined the mail order service?

i just graduated from college.

Do you know how much he paid for you?

I know he spent $10K to fly over and have a wedding. Not sure how much he paid to the agency. May have been a free online service?

Did you get any money from the agency or just the cost of moving to the US?

it was just a website, so no.

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It is not as bad as US media depicts. Politically it is backward and it is extremely corrupt. But people are great and the culture is rich.

Is there a typical age preference for Russian/Ukrainian women wanting to marry an American?

How popular are other countries as opposed to America (Canada, UK, etc)?

There is no age preference. Perhaps older women are more interested because their chances of marrying at home are declining.

Other countries are popular too. But not as much as US.

Are pre-nups common for these marriages?

Also, I'm asking on behalf of several people right now. More questions to follow, if I may.

Pre-nups are common, especially when men are wealthy.

What was the appeal to the US?

Biggest cultural difference between Russia and US?

Russians have a romanticized vision of US - that is free, cool, and a land of opportunity.

Biggest cultural difference - Americans are quite patriotic and think they can effect political change. Other than that they are very similar to Russians.

What was your first experience in America like? First impression?

How fluent in english were you before meeting him?

My first experience was very surprising. I've never seen an ATM machine or ate at a fast-food restaurant. It felt like being on another planet. He lived in a rural area so people there were nice but very uneducated.

I could read and write English but did not speak it too well.

What's the average age of the husband?

I'm assuming you know a few people that also married Americans

Usually older - 40s, 50s.

Why don't women who are interested in this sort of thing ever go to the US dating sites (OKC, POF, Match, etc) and look for their ideal husbands and contact them through those instead of the mail order bride sites since most people tend to think they are scams?

I don't know. Maybe because your average US male is not interested in a long-distance relationship?

What percentage of Russian brides would you say are mostly in it for money or citizenship in your experience? Also, is it really so much better in the US compared to Russia? I travelled much of Eastern Europe and never met any females who were eager to leave.

Edit: in fact many females I met seemed to actively dislike America, though they were still very friendly to me as an American, that's why I am curious.

Only small percentage of women are in for money or visas. In fact I've only met one - she specifically targeted rich American millionaires and was a serial bride. Most women genuinely want to have a family. And many of them are better off in Russia.

Thanks for doing the AMA. What do they tell you when you sign up? Do they paint a picture that everyone finds their prince charming on the other side of the water or do they tell you straight up that some of these men could be psycho? Also, why did you stay with him so long if it was so terrible?

Back when I did it we didn't hear all these horror stories and had no expectations. Besides the website was not specifically for Russian brides, just for people to meet each other.

Also I stayed with him because culturally that's what Russian women are taught to do - to support their men through thick and thin.

What year was this? Are you still a US citizen?

1. yes.

Formatting messed up what you put in for the year.

1999

OK, so you say that you have some friends who are russian mail order brides with happy stories. What made them stand out, were they looking for rich older men who will just pay for their existences, or did they find husbands who created a normal (American) life, with 2 incomes, children, a normal family life, etc.

Their husbands were decent people who treated them like equal human beings.

What's the best success story you've heard of in regards to their life in America?

I have to think about this one. The initial few years are rough for all of us. But now over ten years later - most of my friends are doing well - they went through schools, started businesses, own properties.

What I mean is, are there any ones that, unlike you, moved in with and got married to a very successful person (e.g a millionaire, a rich heir to a business, a genuinely lovely person)

my childhood friend married a real estate developer who worships her, had 3 adorable kids. i know a few more who married millionaires and heirs but those didn't turn out that well :(

I don't see it as being a horrible thing if the terms are agreeable and there's no abuse. Like any relationship, two people have terms for staying with each other. There are tons of factors.

1. Will we be sexually exclusive?
2. Will we share all finances, or keep some/most/all separate?
3. Will we live together? Where will we live?
4. Will we have kids, if so how many, are we adopting, etc?
5. Will we both work, or if not, who is going to watch the kids, do the household stuff, etc?
6. If one of us lets ourselves go and gains a bunch of weight, will that be an issue?

The list goes on and on of things couples discuss during the formation of their relationship. I can easily see a financially successful, but socially awkward / unattractive person who just wants companionship working out an agreement with an attractive person who would be grateful to work out a relationship with someone who will provide for them. In the end, as long as some good paperwork is laid down for the marriage, what's wrong with that?

A lot of people have this bullshit bliss-ninny view of marriage being happy and based off of love, but typically after the first few years, the dynamic shifts from romance to pragmatism. Most marriages, at some point or another, lose their flair, and become bound by the practicality of staying together for financial and social reasons, so why not simply put it all out there in advance?

In the end, one person gains financial support and citizenship, while the other isn't lonely. From this, some genuine affection can grow as well, as both people feel like they are getting something from each other.

If both people genuinely desire family it tends to work out. If one of them looks or sex slave house maid and another one for money, then there will be problems.

We should become friends, so I don't have to order a Russian Mail Order Bride and I can just meet your friends from Russia. Bam, single lonely russian woman problem has been solved. Everyone can thank me later.

OK

Did you try dating Russian men? What was that like?

yes. I was very young, so I just remember being constantly pressured to have sex.