Broke down, lived naked in a mountain cabin for a bit. Tricked a bear. AMA

Yogi bear is smarter than the average bear. Yogi bear is frequently put in jail by a park ranger for stealing picnic baskets. That's pretty dumb. So the average bear must be vaguely retarded. How did you trick a retard?

I was fishing in the river, and after a while I realize I'm not alone. I pick up my fishing kit and the two fish that I caught and hurried back to the cabin. BAD MOVE. Yogi decides to stalk me and I realize I'm pretty much fucked. I'm naked, with 2 fish and a fishing rod. I was never going to survive. Also you must know I had no satphone with me and the only way back I knew was a two day hike. I threw the fish at the bear and he left me alone. I did not fish in the same area again.

No offense, because I think what you did is awesome and your user name is glorious, but that's not a trick. That's like saying "I tricked some burglars by throwing my valuables at them when they broke into my house to rob me."

Doesn't matter; survived.

checkmate, ashmaht

True. He wins this round. And life, I guess. I mean, I've never escaped from a bear.

That you know of...

They're everywhere....

This is a fact. I think I've seen that bastard in my neighborhood once or twice. My wife keeps hearing noises in the house as well.

The fish sated his hunger for a while, but he's still on the hunt for dat ass.

ಠ_ಠ

Well at least you know how you're going to die.

I keep a bucket of distraction fish near the bed at all times. And if that fails, I'll throw my wife at it, same smell.

And the bear is all like DM:HS (doesn't matter, had salmon)

And all was well in this world.

Like a coked out Walden.

"I was determined to know shrooms"

What did you do to pass the time? Did you do a lot of hiking outside? If so, what did you do to protect your twig and berries from other twigs and berries?

I got food from hunting and fishing. Mostly fats and proteins during my time in the mountains. I walked a lot, but never further than 5 miles from the cabin.

Either you missed my play on words or forgot to answer, so I'll be blunt.

How did you protect your penis and testicles from dangerous objects like branches, insects, and other outdoorsy things.

The naked thing sounds awesome but I would constantly be walking around cupping my junk for protection.

I didn't. It was hard at first, but you seem to adjust yourself to it. You become more careful around your nether regions.

Also, before you ask, pants won't help when you nearly get an axe to the crotch.

edit: to clear up, you start cupping the boys quite a lot.

so, pretty much played minecraft

Did anyone ever run into you when you were running naked around the woods?

Edit: Fixed my punctuation so you don't have to!

Not once. I did find traces of other people (like scraps of trash). But never saw someone. The cabin is very secluded and not accessible by anything other than horse or by foot.

Thanks for the speedy response.

I got about 40 mins before the missus will make me sleep on the couch. I like you guys, but I do not like you guys enough to do that.

Sleep on the couch with you? Why not!? We are awesome!

Seem legit.

As long as you're naked I'm down

I have a natural coat.

You lived naked in a cabin, but a night on the couch is too much?

I like sex. A lot.

Did you entertain the thought of a beautiful woman happening upon you and living happily ever naked?

Nope. I was done with women for a bit after I had a terrible breakup. I did masturbate though, often and vigorously.

I imagined a bearded man grunting on a stump surrounded by shocked and appalled woodland creatures.

No a bad mental image if I say so myself.

[deleted]

This is how I will describe my weekends now.

[deleted]

Nope. But you get used to being more careful. I did have a tick or something on my gonads. Fortunately no disease from that (checked when I got back).

I got a tick on the head of my penis once while playing naked in tall grass. Had to go to the hospital to get that sucker off. 6 foot 5 muslim doctor plucked it out with tweezers.

When I was little I had a similar experience. Except the sucker climbed in. Fun doctor experience. Also made peeing very red and suck

Tick in urethra.

Blast it with piss.

except it didn't come out :(

I understand the need for seclusion but why the nudity?

Didn't mosquitoes attack you? What about sunburn?

It felt right. Not too much issues with mosquitos, never have. Little vampire bastards don't seem to enjoy my succulent blood.

Sunburn is a topic I do not want to talk about. Ever had sunburn on your testicles? No? You should consider yourself lucky. Then again you will never have the pleasure of tearing a ballsack sized piece of dead skin of your gonads.

Sometimes when I travel from a humid place to a dry place the skin on my shaft starts peeling and if I masturbate it comes off in a flurry. So I have had that pleasure, thank you very much.

Nice.

Your witty responses make me smile :) There is nothing I miss more than going out info the wilderness with the sole goal to just continue surviving.

I have the biggest smile on my face now.

I did 74 days in the high desert between utah and nevada... Had friends meet me and resupply me with rice and dehyrated beans in the event i wouldn't be able to support myself. No nudity... but i taught myself how to build a proper shelter and fire with nothing but a knife. It was truly rewarding.

Edit: also ended up hiking around 200 miles... Those resupply points were 30-50 miles apart so i had a map and compass to get me from A to B.

Nice. I'm not big on deserts though. I like the woods.

How hairy are you? Is it possible that the bear mistook you for its lover?

It's a good possibility. I'm a bit like a gorilla body hair wise.

Looking back, was this an experience that was worth undertaking? In other words, would you tell a fellow man to give it a shot if he was in the same situation as you were?

Only do it if you know what the bleep you are doing. I've been an outdoorsman for as long as I can remember. By the time I was able to walk I went with my dad to nature. It's not survival then, it's a holiday. I did have emergency rations in the cabin (mostly cans), but it could be nasty. I did not bring any technology. I could have been severely injured and NOBODY besides 1 friend and the cabin owner knew I was there and I told them not to contact me for two months until I got back, and only come for me after 3 months.

Plus, you have to be pretty strong minded I think to undertake something like this. It's hard on the body, I hiked 50-ish miles over two days to get there using a map and compas, not for the amateur woodsman I guess.

It was worth it, and I want to do it again. Maybe for longer, half a year. Not naked anymore though, maybe a bit.

Any advice for learning these sort of skills? id like to hike camp, but i have never had a chance to do it

What was the best experience, what was the worst?

Worst: bear stalk. Best: Going back with an empty head and the energy to take on a psychological army.

Did you sometimes talk out loud to yourself/others(real/imaginary) ?

Did you still have internal monologue (in the form of words) ?

Did you have access to a mirror or another way to see your image ? How did it feel to see yourself again after you left ?

How did you cope with loneliness ?

I do, I still do. I talk to my computer, tv, cat, wife, etc.

I do, I still do, and I am reading all of this outloud in my mind.

There was a mirror in the cabin. I covered it up for the first 7 weeks. Then I looked at myself and smiled.

I did not feel lonely at all. Not for 1 second.

This is fascinating, so I asked quite a few questions. Thank you for taking the time.

You're more than welcome.

What was it like returning to the real world after two months of total solitude? Did it take readjustment?

Talking to people was a bit odd at first. Also clothes were uncomfortable for a bit. I hired back naked the first day (just shoes) and wore clothes on the second day again. Didn't feel right, but hey, being a hairy bearded woodsman is okay when you are in the woods, but people in towns don't want to see my glorius scotus and hairy belly. Gotta fit in yo.

You mentioned in one of the comments that you should know what you are doing. I'm an indoorsman, how do I become an outdoorsman?

DOn't be a pussy and go out.

No, really, take it slowly. Start with grouphikes, and work your way up from there. Do not attempt that Discovery Channel survival shit on your own, you'll die.

Did you get food entirely from the natural environment? If not, how did you get supplies without putting on clothing when you went to buy them?

I was about 50 miles from the nearest town that I knew off. I lived of fishing and hunting.

How much experience did you have in those areas beforehand?

Not a great fisherman, but I can manage. Hunter with bow and arrow I have been pretty good at since age 12, no worries there.

I believe there is a luck factor involved. I had a few good catching/hunting days. One catching day lasted me one and a half weeks of pretty much, feasting.

You could hunt with the bow and arrow since you were 12? Holy batman.

This is some Hunger Games shit right here.

Fuck your hunger games. BATTLE ROYALE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=-I29Xp3KqDE

edit: also: the greatest movie of all time.

That's very impressive. Most of us are very out of touch with the land our food comes from.

Beef comes from a tree right?

You would know better than I. Just kidding, I know beef comes from bushes, that's why we have ground beef.

Does that mean you didn't have any food besides lean protein? But maybe that is a stupid question. I assume you didn't grow wheat, harvest it, grind it into flour, and then find some eggs and water and bake bread.

Did you lose a lot of weight?

I became much more cut. I believe I entered ketosis and started burning up fat. I lost quiet a bit of fat mass but gained muscle mass.

What did your family and friends know/think while you were gone?

I told them all that I went on a regular holiday. I didn't want them to worry.

How did you keep from chafing?

You don't.

would you do it again?

I intend to do it again.

Are you taking the missus with this time?

Nope. A man should be alone with himself for a bit. She doesn't mind, she's more the beach holiday type of girl anyway.

How does your wife feel about that?

Not bad.

Is this the... naked truth?

I had a beard at the time, so partly. No jizz in it though, in contrary to popular believe. ಠ_ಠ

Ah. Well thanks for clearing that up.

You're welcome.

strokes beard

What was your job beforehand? I'm guessing finance of some sort.

Management.

Can't help but think of you as Michael Scott now...

I have fashioned my hat back into my pants.. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant..making it about...2:30

How much cocaine does a stunt like this require?

http://i.imgur.com/pyE94.jpg

Were you prepared to live in the wild? What equipment, knowledge, etc. readied you for the trip?

I ask because your story reminds me somewhat of Into the Wild - ultimately in what ways were you better prepared for surviving in the wild than Christopher McCandless (acknowledging the increased intrinsic dangers of the Alaskan wild)?

I don't know that show, but for as long as I can remember I have been around wilderness with my dad. I can recite the SAS survival manual (which is pretty good) and I'm in good physical health.

I brought a small hand axe (big axe at the cabin), an assortment of knives, flints and tinder, bow and arrows, and believe it or not, 4 lbs of ground coffee, a map of the area and professional compas.

safe to assume this was during the summer months?
"hiked to a rented mountain cabin"--assuming you paid the rent? how much?
Was there a bunch of food there already? Or did you bring a bunch with you? If you didn't wear clothes for two months, I have to assume that means no going to the store either?

It was high summer, but when I checked later the warmest was about 75F. The cabin belonged to a friend of a friend. I paid him about 500$ for 2 months of usage. There were emergency rations, but I didn't use them. No going to stores.

Water?

River + boiled.

Fuel? Light? Internet??????

Wood, Wood Fire + oil lamp, Nope.

My god, man...what did you do all day? What did you use to put not so funny captions on the bears and trees and such?

Exploring, walking, chopping wood (no joke, I chopped so much wood that it will last the cabin owner years). Thinking, meditating etc.

I'm going to start a new school of therapy wherein all people do is chop wood.

kind of like that budhist? saying,

Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water,

After enlightenment, Chop wood and carry water

Did you only have your spank bank, or did you bring some reserves?

My mind is my spank bank.

That's what I was assuming. Seems like an interesting concept...masterbating outdoors. I feel like I'd go hit up the creek and chill, maybe check out the "talent".

I masturbated while sitting in a tree, fell out, hurt myself, finished anyway.

Aha! You actually did one. thanks

You guys insisted even though I had my reservations about this. GoodGuyJizzBeard.

Did you build much stuff while you were there? Not necessarily buildings, but traps, or something like that.

I fixed up the cabin a bit.

edit: also traps, but nothing fancy, mostly deadfalls and snares.

Not sure if you've ever heard of the author Dominick Dunne (he recently died). He basically did the same thing you did for the same reasons, except he wasn't naked the entire time.

Never heard of him, but I'll read up on it though, thanks!

Any problems with bugs or no?

Nothing too bad. Some sort of tick on my scrotum.

What made you decide to return to civilization?

Cabin needed to be returned to the owner, plus I liked it enough and felt like I was ready for society again.

were you ever scared being up there all by yourself?

Not really, I'm pretty much a hermit when I choose to be, I'm happy to be on my own. Unfortunately this happens way too little lately.

Bear scared me shitless though.

Were your parents/family worrie about your safety and mental health?

They didn't know, I told them I went back to europe for a few months.

http://i.imgur.com/1EyRu.jpg

do they know now and if so, what did they think about it?

They know, my dad told me he'd break my legs if I did it again without at least telling him.

I intend to tell him if I do it again, because that old coot is still perfectly capable to break my legs if he pleases.

Judging by vernacular alone I'd say you're much more qualified to attempt this than myself.

Thanks, I guess.

Where you a scout? If do what troop and tank.

Yes, but in the country I grew up in it worked differently than in the US. (I did scouts till I was 15). I prefer not to identify the scout group if you don't mind.

Which country are you from, if you want to say?

did you read survival books, bevore getting inside the cabin

I can pretty much recite the SAS survival handbook since I was a kid. My dad lectured me about it a lot.

Did you end up going to a psych after you returned?

Nope, I felt amazing when I got back. I went to a hotel in my departure town, had an insanely good bath. Went to a barber, got cleaned, shaven and cut. Bought some simple clothes and headed back into society. Got a great job also soon after.

so how did you trick a bear? answered

Replied to another user. tl;dr threw fish at it.

Nice try Bon Iver.

Thanks. Buy my record.

Do you realize how many people would love to do this?? If I could just find the place and time....I 'd be there!!

Be careful when you do. Don't die.