My short bio: I live in a big college town known for the good football team. Ask me anything!

My Proof:

Edit: Thank you guys so much for the questions! I'm going to sleep now but I'll be back in the morning if you're still interested.

Edit: Thank you guys so much for the attention! This was a lot of fun! Also, thanks kind strangers for the gold!

Comments: 4012 • Responses: 78  • Date: 

nebunic2673 karma

Do people ever answer the door naked, like in the movies?

Average_banana3657 karma

Yeah, on occasion. Normally, its when I interrupt people in the middle of doing it. One time, I delivered to a party and there was a drunk guy with his pants down pissing out the front door when I walked up.

nebunic310 karma

And how does one react to that?

Wantfornothing778 karma

Let him finish first.

Average_banana1087 karma

What you said

DancingFurniture1837 karma

I know you can add delivery instructions to the order for dominos, what is the weirdest one you have received?

Average_banana6317 karma

Most of them are "Draw such and such on the box", which I love doing. Somebody asked for coffee, and tipped well when I brought it. One time, they put "The secret passsword is ballsweat". When I got there, I had to yell ballsweat before they would opened the door.

firmkillernate1825 karma

Biggest tip?

Ever got offered sex/drugs for pizza?

Any scary experiences?

Best day on the job? Worst?

Average_banana3559 karma

Biggest tip that I can remember is $35. I didn't even have to take a delivery. A guy walked in from the bar across the street plastered out of his mind. I love goofing around with drunk kids and apparently he loved it too.

I get offered bong hits on the weekly. I took one once, and regretted it immediately. Every car turned into a cop after that.

The scariest experience is when I delivered to a basketball game. I had to give the pizzas to the bus driver and he sexually assaulted me. I noped out of there real quick and had to go to the police.

The best days often mix with the worst days when coworkers leave. My favorite part of this job is the friends I make working there. So when they leave to better places, we always throw a party and have dick cake. Always bittersweet.

tootie872 karma

No one is going to ask what dick cake is? Am I out of the loop?

Average_banana1591 karma

A dick shaped caked with several more dicks drawn on it

TractionJackson715 karma

Is your pizza place just really gay or run by cougars?

Average_banana1169 karma

Probably a little of both

funk-it-all632 karma

Did you press charges?

Average_banana1627 karma

Yes but unfortunately nothing came from it

joshanaitor1593 karma

What's the number one thing you dislike when dealing with a customer?

Average_banana3431 karma

So many things. When they act like its my fault when something happens that they don't like. It's either too expensive, or they had to wait too long for their order. Look man, I'm just delivering pizza as fast as I can, don't yell at me.

coopdekill1393 karma

Do you have a goal past pizza slanging?

I used to move pies and got out. one thing i did was grab two 2-liters and keep them in my car (one diet Pepsi and one mountain dew) if i ever forgot something trivial like a drink or even a sauce cup or napkins people would always take one of the drinks instead and I would pay for it with my employee discount and return them at the end of the night cost me a dollar and i didn't have to drive 30 minutes for some stupid shit.

Average_banana1884 karma

I am actually going to college for my computer science degree. Graduation is so close yet so far!

I always like to keep a couple of extra sauces in my car. If somebody orders a drink we're out of, I always bring them 2 extra drinks because fuck it. I should start keeping extra drinks in my car too. Its a brilliant idea

kagrrakid1267 karma

Do you get stiffed on tips a lot, being in a college town?

Average_banana2124 karma

Oh yeah, no doubt about it. There are some nights when I'll work 8 hours and only make 30 bucks. You learn who does and doesn't tip in the years.

Saarlak2444 karma

Apparently my wife and I were borderline famous with our Dominos. They were at most a mile from us so we always had hothothot pizza and the deliveries took maybe fifteen minutes from order to received. Well I was in Culinary School while we lived in that apartment so I was constantly cooking and/or baking. You can only eat so much so we would give cookies and pieces of cake to the delivery people (we also tipped a lot because we had a bad habit of ordering when it was snowing). I never considered that an entire restaurant would know us by address but they did.

Average_banana3211 karma

I would fight somebody to take your delivery if you gave me cookies.

Lt_JimDangle352 karma

Damn I've always heard college towns suck but 8 hours and only $30, is that with mileage? I deliver in the burbs where all the rich college kids parents live and work 8 hour shifts and make on average $100-$150 sometimes more! Worked last night a Sunday with the football playoff and our state hockey team played and made $200!

Average_banana300 karma

Dude, I need to move to where you live

5h3p5103 karma

Does know who does and doesn't tip make a difference? You still have to deliver right?

Average_banana255 karma

Not really. If you're up next, you have to take the delivery no matter how shitty. Sometimes you can strike a deal with your coworkers and get them to take it for you.

NEBMAN271130 karma

Hello, is this Papa John?

Average_banana3735 karma

No, this is patrick

Cynical_Jingle982 karma

What's the funniest story you care to share that you haven't already?

Average_banana2514 karma

Some of the best moments happen inside the store. I've seen many of fights break out in my time. One girl picked up an industrial printer and threw it at a dude.

Another time, a worker hid in the freezer to avoid doing work and our manager found him and gave him a black eye.

Once, a pair of drunk girls came in and tried to buy some pizza. When their card declined, they got really upset and started screaming that her father invited 4square. They then proceeded to walk to the oven and picked the pizza up with their bare hands, burning the shit out of them.

Our store shares a parking lot with a UPS store next door. On a big game day, the owner came outside and drunkenly harassed our drivers about parking in front of his store. He then threw some pallets at one of their cars scratching the shit out of it. The workers at UPS said they found him the next morning passed out on the floor in the back of the store.

MrsChickenPam823 karma

What's the weirdest situation you have delivered to?

What's the largest order you have delivered?

Average_banana2808 karma

Oh man, there has been tons of weird deliveries. There is always the classic drunk pass-outs. One that sticks out is the time I delivered to this party going on. When I got there, everyone got quiet and I was told I had to sing for my tip. I sang happy birthday while everybody danced and clapped along. Totally worth it.

As for the biggest order, we deliver to all the local sports teams all the time. Just yesterday, I had to deliver 150 pizzas to the college football team. If you're wondering, no, they didn't tip.

Cubidomum258 karma

Oh man, one time I ordered a pizza drunk and passed out immediately afterward. I was super embarrassed when my roommate the next day was like dude...I paid for your pizza. Does it happen often?

Average_banana429 karma

It happens all the time. The only time its annoying is when nobody answers the door at all. I normally just bang the shit out the door or call them 47 times in a row.

alien_clown_ninja-1 karma

You have so many cool stories. I slung zas for 2 years in high school and I can't remember any specific strange instances, no beers, no bongs, no sex, no naked people. Maybe cause I was 16-17. Do you get free food from Dominos? My joint was a local ma and pa shop and I'd always get free pizza as long as I made it myself, I ate so much pizza in high school.

Average_banana13 karma

A lot of weird things happen in a big college town. Most of them involved drunk people.

Technically I get a 50% discount on pizza and drinks, but I've been there long enough that I can just make things for free. That's the perks of sticking with it for so long. Although, being in it so long, i rarely eat pizza anymore.

mfb-645 karma

How many deliveries do you do in a typical day?

Average_banana968 karma

It depends. On a regular 8 hour shift, I probably take 25 to 30. If its a game day, its probably more around 35 to 40.

Reedit_girl631 karma

Have you ever been scared for your safety while delivering?

Average_banana820 karma

Yes, many times! Luckily, I've only had to go to the police once in my two years.

Reedit_girl340 karma

What happened?

Average_banana1393 karma

I took a delivery to a basketball game. I had to give the pizzas to the bus driver. We talked for a bit and he seemed totally normal. Then, as I was leaving, he put his arms around me and led me to the bus. He tried to force me in and take my shirt off. I have no doubt that he would have raped me if I hadn't ran when I did.

FairyOfTheStars407 karma

You said you went to the police after--did they catch him? That's frightening.

Average_banana1443 karma

It was actually a terrible experience haha. The cop made me feel like it wasn't that big of a deal and that I was just some more paperwork he had to fill out. They wanted me to do a line-up and pick the guy out but I didn't really want to see him again and i opted out. Even if I had done it, the most he could have gotten was a small fine since there was no evidence.

I think he did lose his job as the school bus driver though, which is a small win in my favor.

_forever_alone24 karma

I'm so glad you got out of there! I had a friend high as a kite and blackout drunk that tried almost the same thing. He tried undressing me several times, hands down my pants, etc. But I knew he'd not rape me and I only put up with it because I knew he was so far gone and probably didn't register all the "no's" I kept saying (and I was drunk enough to not drive for a few hours and figuring out why uber was broken on my phone was too hard for me in that state) I can't imagine how it works feel knowing he'd have raped me and how scary that must have been for you.

I'm truly glad you're ok! It hit me pretty hard but I think that's more because I lost all trust in one of the few friends I have vs me being scared for my safety. It was definitely sexual assault but I got over that part fairly easy because I knew he'd not have tried actual rape. /shudder why do some people have to be so shitty?

Average_banana40 karma

I'm glad you're okay too! It was a eye opening experience for sure. I think I'm stronger because of it though.

viol8er580 karma

Any sexual favors given in lieu of payment or tip?

Average_banana1143 karma

I get offered from time to time, but I've never accepted. I would rather have money.

PoppaDR3W367 karma

Why not both? ;)

Average_banana2211 karma

Money can buy me sexual favors.

honeycakes573 karma

Have you read the book Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson? If not, you should!

Average_banana366 karma

I have not! I love to listen to audio books while I'm driving so i'll definitely have to look it up.

abzze454 karma

Is pizza delivery a min wage job?

Average_banana810 karma

I get paid minimum wage while in the store and half minimum wage while on the road. I get tips and get my gas compensated through mileage.

gdq0241 karma

Is gas compensated at the standard rate (around 54 cents per mile)?

Average_banana400 karma

28 cents per mile

1z22406 karma

What was your biggest tip?

So what story do you want to tell?

Reccommended delivery vehicles?

Favorite pizza?

Average_banana1206 karma

My biggest tip so far has been $35 bucks, and I didn't even have to take a delivery for it.

One time, I took a delivery and this girl asked for exact change. Well, as a sub-par pizza delivery employee, I don't carry around coin change. She got real butthurt and went inside to find exact change. She came back out and handed me a wad of cash with some change. When, I got to the store, I opened the wad of cash and counted it. Turns out, she tipped me $20 by accident. That's what you get for being stingy.

A car that works is cool. It's always awesome to have a nice sound system to jam while driving.

Ham and pineapple, all day every day.

chootee133 karma

I delivered to a house asking for exact change in the comments. The comment mentioned needing change for a 50. We aren't supposed to carry that, but I had it. I gave him his change for his $12 order, and he gave me $20 for reading the note. Pretty solid guy haha!

Average_banana47 karma

Sometimes people will ask for plates and cups. They'll always tip generously if I bring them

Shagyam393 karma

Biggest pizza order you had to deliver? Smallest?

Is there any customer who orders pizza way too much? Does your car have a pizza aroma?

Average_banana847 karma

Biggest is probably 150 pizzas to the college football team. In order for a delivery, the order has to be at least $10. So the smallest would be an order of lava cakes and a bag of Doritos.

We definitely have our regulars. There is an old man who orders a buffalo sandwich every morning. Another man orders two pan pizzas, double sausage, double beef every day. How somebody has the money for that beats me.

I'll never get the scent of pepperoni out of my car.

ballsinthosewalls354 karma

I really loved slanging pizzas. Time flew by and cash on hand every night. I quit because although i delivered in a "safe town" felt worried for my safety at all times.

How often do you ever really feel like you need to worry about your safety?

Average_banana392 karma

Maybe I'm over-confident in my ability to defend myself or just plain oblivious, but I've been delivering for almost three years, and could count on my fingers the amount of times I've been genuinely worried for my safety.

mdude04291 karma

What's the biggest blunder you ever made? (i.e., forgetting to load a pizza or soda or whatever in your car) And how did the customer react?

Average_banana1305 karma

I've forgotten a few drinks in my years. Sometimes we have to take multiple orders at once. Once, I took a double and gave the wrong people the wrong orders. They just called and explained what happened. They were pretty cool about it, they got a free order and their orders.

One time I backed my car up into a ditch while trying to leave an apartment complex. That was a pretty big fuck up. I called a tow truck and they said it would be $100 plus $20 for every mile. So, I ended up just backing more into the ditch and driving through it until I found a spot I could get out.

panda_encounter247 karma

Have you ever received a tip in a non monetary form? If so, what was it?

Average_banana576 karma

All the time. My favorite so far has been an unopened tub of cheese balls. I also get offered bong hits and beers on the weekly.

imnotquitedeadyet302 karma

Damn, I'm jealous. I also drive delivery in a college town but

  • I deliver sandwiches
  • I live in a dry fucking county
  • I live in the Bible Belt south

Average_banana392 karma

I live in the bible belt as well! College football brings out the bad in everyone.

GreatBlackShark_246 karma

What led you on your path to becoming a pizza delivery driver?

Do you regret taking on this role?

Average_banana533 karma

Peter Parker is my hero.

Not at all, its a pretty cool gig. The shittiest part are the long shifts working to 5 am.

forava7220 karma

what is the best delivery trip you have ever had?

Average_banana627 karma

A good trip is one when I get tipped more than $3. I love delivering to drunk people most of the time, they're always friendly and will goof off with me.

One time I delivered to a Christmas party and got to the be a judge on who made the best Christmas tree. I got tipped $5 and a mini-bottle of fireball.

Cubidomum234 karma

I almost always tip $4 or 5. I feel much better about myself now. I just can't bring myself to tip like my friends do. They normally give $1 or 2 and it just seems so 1990s to me.

Average_banana222 karma

$2 is pretty average from the rich kid college students around here

ConfusedGeeker166 karma

I've watched online 'girl models' order food from online. When the food gets to the door, the customer strips naked before answering the door. Have you ever encountered this; if so, were you propositioned and took part?


Average_banana377 karma

The only naked people I've seen delivering pizzas have had dicks attached to them. One time, a naked man opened the door while on the phone with a woman. When she heard my voice, she got very upset and started yelling at the man threatening to hurt him and me. I quickly exchanged the goods and got out of there.

Masr_om_el_donya141 karma

Most interesting delivery?

Also, do you use a Motorcycle as a delivery vehicle(Not really a motorcycle I mean like a scooter, here in Egypt we call it Motosekl/Makana).

Second scariest story?

And finally what was the weirdest delivery experienced?

Average_banana355 karma

There are so many to chose from. One time, I delivered to a crazy cat lady. There were cats all in her yard and house. When I tried to leave, several cats jumped in my car. I had to get them all out before I could leave.

No, I drive a small compact SUV.

The second scariest would have to be when I was delivering to the bad part of town. I was stopped at a stop sign when a man walked up to me. He pulled out a gun and asked for all of my money. I quickly drove away before he could do anything, but I was pretty spooked.

I've had so many weird deliveries. One time, I delivered to a house with a bunch of drunk dudes. When I got there, the guy who ordered the pizza apparently got paranoid and locked himself in his room. His roommates tried knocking down his door and yelling at him. They even made me come in and try to coax him out. They didn't have any cash so I ended up having to take the pizza back.

stomskit138 karma

why did you get kicked out of the marching band? Also can I deliver pizzas at the age of 16?

Average_banana218 karma

Long story short, I got with some friends who were eating vodka gummy bears at a game.

No, you have to be at least 18 and have had your license for at least a full year

TheOne27272797 karma

Who/ what is your spirit animal?

Average_banana409 karma

John Cena

MX95688 karma

Do you ever get invited in to places to watch the games? Are you a big fan of the team?

Also, would you rather deliver on gamedays or non-gamedays? I'd imagine tips are better during games, but you're fighting traffic/huge number of orders.

Average_banana149 karma

I've never been invited in to watch the games but 90% of the time, I see the tv from the door.

You can make so much money on game days, but like you said, traffic is horrid. I personally would rather work non-game days, only due to the fact that when you work game days, you should expect to stay at least 3 hours after you were scheduled out.

And to be honest, I've only worked 2 or 3 game days in my 3 years. I used to be in the marching band and would get to go to all the games for free before I got kicked out, but that's another story haha.

joeker978781 karma

Looks like you drive for dominos. I'm about to start driving at a dominos in a college town. Anything I should know?

Average_banana198 karma

You will never go home on time. Ever. Also, don't forget drinks. Its extra annoying when you get there and realize you have to drive all the way back to the store to go all the way back to the house.

Quest4life77 karma

What's the process of getting your neighborhood added back to the delivery route? Back in the 90's my neighborhood was big in crime now it's really chill but none of the good pizza shops deliver here and when I ask they say it's because we're out of their coverage range but they drive right past my house to get to the new neighborhood that they do deliver to...

Average_banana100 karma

I honestly have no idea. I would try telling them that. The manager can over-ride the computer and put your address in the delivery zone if they feel inclined to do so. But that's only if the manager isn't a dick head.

murdershroom55 karma

Hey, fellow delivery person here (scarily swift sandwiches are my forte). I've been driving for a year and a half now and I've become the main night driver on the weekends. Like you I'm working my ass off while I'm in college (nursing school) so that I never have to work food service again in my life.

My question is: who's your worst regular? Mine is an obese woman at a local retirement home who orders stupidly specific sandwiches and sides on the daily. She demands we remake her food if it's cut in half instead of in thirds, for example, and wants us to chop her pickles into chunks by hand.

Average_banana39 karma

We have a dude who ordered two pizzas every single day. Double sausage double beef. He would complain every time, no doubt about it. Either, its not cooked all the way, or it was burnt. He demanded we remade his pizza if the smallest thing wasn't to his satisfaction. Girls weren't allowed to deliver to him but I had the pleasure of taking his phone order on the regular

venividivigo48 karma


Average_banana70 karma

That depends on how busy your store is. In my town, I can make around $100 a night, but some stores aren't that busy.

big_papa_pump38 karma

Average banana seems like an interesting username for a women. You packin, and if so, is it really average?

Average_banana171 karma

I'd like to believe my mom when she tells me all bananas are special and above average in their own ways.


Do you know mad marijuana connections?

Average_banana90 karma

What delivery driver doesnt

LolsEUW29 karma

There's a lot of talks about tipping in this comment section, and as a Swedish guy it kind of seems unfair that your wage depends on where you live/which days you work and how "lucky" you are. I assume that you have a set payment too, is that good enough to live off of?

Average_banana39 karma

If at the end of the year, when taxes are due, if i don't end up making at least minimum wage, they will compensate me. But that rarely happens

white_star_3227 karma

what would a pizza say if it even became sentient?

Average_banana104 karma

Please don't eat me

--Hello_World--13 karma

I sometimes tip $40. Do you love me?

Average_banana32 karma

Only if I get the tip

shardie88611 karma

Hello is this Pizza Hut? also love domino's in the UK we get £1 personal pizza on Monday with mobile provider anything like that in America?

Average_banana16 karma

No, that's a steal! I secretly judge people who order a small personal pizza. They pay $15 for it when they can just order a large costing $8

HelenGon11 karma

Probably out of your purview, but why the hell is it still the same price or MORE to order a cheeseless pizza? I mean, it's less of something, for crying out loud. And it's not my choice--I would vastly prefer a regular pizza, but my dairy allergy says nope. So I feel like I'm being penalized for a disability. Yes? No?

Average_banana13 karma

I agree with you! Dominoes will do anything to take your money. We recently had a price increase. Its $2 to add one more topping, which is ridiculous. But if people will keep buying it, Dominoes will keep doing it

YoungHeartsAmerica6 karma

Have you seen a guy shoot up heroin via hid penis?

Average_banana16 karma

Is this code?

RedDevilsEggs5 karma

Might have been answered, but not seeing it... Do you get any slice of the delivery fee? Most places have a set fee as well as expect tips, I basically always tip around 10% because I sort of assumed that money goes to the drivers as well. (Realizing I may be a cheap asshole and that makes me feel bad now)

Average_banana24 karma

No, we don't see a dime of it. I think the fee is for dominoes insurance in case a driver gets hurt or something, so that dominoes doesn't get sued. But in all honestly, I could be pulling that out of my ass.

XBigDaddyJoeX4 karma

Your college part of the Big 10?

Average_banana9 karma

Nope, we're the underdogs. This was their biggest year since 1981.

raylngladue2 karma

You slug nugs? how many piff kush nugs do you toot on in a day?

Average_banana17 karma


evenios2 karma

do you think these AMA's are getting out of hand? "hi i am a guy who lives in a red house...AMA?" just saying?

Average_banana1 karma

I actually live in an old remodeled church. It was built in 1910. AMA (:

TheMightyJuan1 karma

Have you ever been offered sex for a pizza? And have you seen a lady naked while delivering?

Average_banana3 karma

Nope, not yet anyways. And unfortunately, all the naked bodies I've seen delivering so far have had dicks attached.

rapstartobe2 karma

Average_banana5 karma

Haha sexual favors, not sex. I've had dudes offer to give me head, but never to outright stick it in me.

sour_creme1 karma

Well, I guess 98% of people originally interested in this iama, for any stories of sex and any oddities, will read no further.

Average_banana1 karma

I've seen plenty of oddities and sex, I've just never been offered it myself.

show_me_your_titty1 karma

Thanks! What's your favorite pizza? And weirdest combination of toppings? Have you ever been part of pizza dare?

Average_banana6 karma

My favorite pizza is definitely ham and pineapple, although I have people tell me its blasphemy.

Some of the weirdest pizzas I've seen have been no sauce, no cheese, no toppings. So basically, they just want bread. I've also seen olives and hot sauce. One time, a woman came in with her own anchovies and eggs asked for us to put them on her pizza.

I just googled what a pizza dare is, and I got a bunch of pictures of naked people. I have delivered to naked people before, most of who are not pleasant to see naked. I try to hold eye contact as much as possible.

bannaja1 karma

Do you deliver to the college the most or another place?

Average_banana2 karma

Its around a 60-40 ratio. 60% of the time is college apartments around town, and the other 40% is the outskirts of towns and houses.

eskemosabe1 karma

Are you a pizza brand loyalist?

Average_banana11 karma

Not at all. When I'm home and don't feel like going anywhere, I'll order pizza anywhere but dominoes.

ksalaway1121 karma

State College, Pennsylvania?

Average_banana3 karma

Not even close ;)

forava71 karma

Have you ever been robbed? or carjacked?

Average_banana6 karma

One guy once pulled a gun out at a stop sign and tried to robbed me but I just sped off before anything could happen. I'm only allowed to carry $15 at a time, so even I was robbed, they wouldn't get very much.

sour_creme2 karma

People kill for much less. Delivery personnel is considered the 5th most dangerous job in America. Some people will order, have good delivered to some housing project, get killed, and all the robbers care about is food, and not care whether the person had any money. Chinese food delivery personnel have it worse.

Average_banana4 karma

There have been times where I refused to take the delivery because it was down some sketchy dirt road. I trust my gut when it comes to my safety.

dkoch06081 karma

If someone tried to rob me and I only had $15 on me, I'd just give it to them! What if he shot at you as you drove away?! ...though I guess if someone pulls a gun on you it's probably best to gtfo of there asap. Either way though, glad you got out of that situation ok.

Average_banana5 karma

I just kind of reacting on instinct which was to nope out.

Huardy1 karma

What is a tip you are satisfied with getting?

Average_banana5 karma

$3 or more is pretty damn good in my book. I'm on cloud 9 if its $5 or more.

Also, let me pet your dog

MrTorben1 karma

Any "secret menu" items you know about?

Average_banana3 karma

Not that we can sell to customers. I can make a mean calzone from our stuff though. I can also make some cinnamon pretzels.

Fun fact, when I first started working, I was really pumped to get to learn how to make lava cakes, only to be disappointed to learn that they were pre-made.

WhoNeedsNostalgia-5 karma

Do you usually deliver large pizzas?

Average_banana11 karma

I don't know, sometimes there are mediums.