IAmA Bouncer in a bad neighborhood who has been stabbed, tazed, maced, punched, and clawed in the face. AMA.

How many times have you had to pick up a bitch's weave?

8 or so. They're like dead raccoons. One I had to pick up the other night had blood on it. It was intense.

How does being tazed compare with being stabbed? Which was more painful?

Stabbing hurt a lot more. Mostly because I took a knife...to the knee. I had to have stitches and almost surgery because of the stabbing. Thank goodness that dude was drunk or else it may have been worse. Tazing hurt for about 10 minutes but there was no after effect. Immediate pain goes to the tazer. Long run pain goes to stabbing.

Dude, girls love you and the men..well the men are drunk.

I have a few questions, if you can spare the time. 1. Have you ever refused anyone just because they gave a bad vibe.. 2. What happens if things "kick off" (I mean if you get a person saying there fighting in there". 3. Any perks? 4. I use to buy doormen drinks all night because I thought if they were happy, they would look after me..was I just young?

Thanks for a great AMA.

1. Yes. Every night. There's always that one dude who is too sketchy to get in. We just tell him no or that the cover is stupid high. He doesn't argue because we're a lot bigger. 2. If somebody says they're going to fight me I wait for them to throw the first punch, by law I have to. Then I fuck with them and yell "You fucked up now Wheat Thins! I'm about to push your shit in!" They try to figure out what that means as I hit them and/or drag them out of the bar. And my fellow bouncers usually come to my aid quickly. 3. Women/liquor/tips. And if I let some waiters I know in for free, they'll usually give me a free meal at their restaurant. 4. We always help the guys who help us. You scratch our backs, and we'll make sure you don't get killed. Thanks dude!

"You fucked up now, Wheat Thins!"

Amazing. I'm not a huge bouncer dude but I'm gonna use this somehow anyway.

We always throw in food to mess with people "Hey Lucky Charms! You and ya boy Cool Whip are outta here!"

Dude. I go to the University of Houston. I've seen a game with the folks from Grambling. You've got balls. Kudos to you.

Yeah buddy, I've got some fraternity brothers in Houston, so I know how y'all do to. I appreciate it.

Do you have any type of training? Forms of martial arts or other fighting methods, weapon training, etc?

I'm an ex D1 offensive lineman and National Champion powerlifter. Other than recreational boxing, I'm just a big guy. So no, all I do is lift.

How much did you lift?

Squatted 680, benched 487, dead lifted 724. It was in kilos, so that's why its weird numbers.

Initially I read that as you benched 487 kilos, then I realized it was unlikely you were up there with the world record holder, and that's only with a bench shirt.

I'm an ex-national champion with my bench press, and yes with a bench shirt. But no, by no means am I a contestant for World's. Those Lithuanian bastards are strong.

What's a bench shirt?

A shirt that powerlifters wear that forces their arms forward as to bench press more weight.

What are some of the good experiences you've had there?

I get piss drunk after everyone leaves and I call a girl who's number I got that night and go spank one out. For some reason drunk girls like to flirt with me while I'm working. Its easy after that. Also one night some dude came in who was an orthopedic surgeon and tipped me $300 for no reason. He was fucked up. Its good nights like that that make it worth it.

Grossest story you got.

Dude came in went to the middle of the dancefloor shit on the ground and kicked it all over people. Then threw up on my buddy as we were kicking him out. What an asshole

Do you think there's a limit to how long you can pursue this career realistically?

Well yeah. I've been accepted to LSU law school. I'm not bouncing for forever. I'm

Lawyers aren't finding jobs these days. There are a lot who wish they had something short-term and semi-decent like bouncing. Just a thought.

Already got a job lined up boss. $220,000 a year to start off.

You ever see upper class white people start fights with people they shouldn't be messing with because they got too drunk?

Once a long time ago. Some lady from D.C. came in acting all uppity around us "Stupid, inbred, rednecks" and tried to fight me. I didn't know how to act around a girl causing trouble, so I kind of hugged her real tight and threw her out. She said she was gonna sue me and stuff but she was a bitch. Don't come from the north expecting us to take shit about where we're from.

Do people ever dress up as Naruto as a way of getting into the bar?

I would honestly let them in for free if they did

If you weren't a bouncer there, would you go there for fun?

I have before. Last time though I had to shit and there was sex going on in every stall so I had to go out back and shit in the woods drunker than a one-eyed catfish swimming backwards in a bird bath. It was hard. It all depends on how drunk I am I would say.

Do bouncers like yourself like or dislike people who help you out?

I ask because, I was once denied entry to a club once before, because the previous week, me and a mate helped out a bouncer restrain a bloke who was uber violent, and the bouncer was struggling (we were outside waiting for a mate to come out to give them a lift, neither of us had been drinking) The bouncer thanked us for the help after the cops got there.

But a week later, both me and my mate were both denied due to 'violent behavior' by the same bouncer that we helped out the week before hand

He was probably just butt hurt. I would like the help if I'm about to get my ass whooped. Im not looking to get killed in a bar by some alcoholic.

What is your craziest story from your job?

About 2000 people tried to get in one night at once and they broke the door off the hinges. I had to act as a human door. The cops came and one tried to taze the guy next to me but hit me instead. It fucking hurt. I saw over a dozen people get arrested and maced. I stopped a 9 girl fight at one point. I got tipped out $100 that night. I almost quit because of it.

When you said 'maced' I thought someone had hit you with a mace. Wow, that must be a bad neighborhood!

That would blow my mind. If some dude whipped out a mace, they win. I lose.

What's ur take on Duck Dynasty, Breaking Amish, and Honey Boo Boo. Thank u 4 ur time kind sir.

I live 20 minutes away from the Duck Dynasty guys. They all have Ph.D's in engineering from LA Tech except for Si. They're millionaires, really smart, and very nice guys. I like Duck Dynasty. Breaking Amish is stupid and I hope no one watches it. I've seen one Amish village in Arkansas, and they were okay guys. I'm dating a pageant girl, so I have mixed feelings about that show. I think that making those girls go through that shit is awful, and Honey Boo Boo is the worst portrayal of any of us.

U have a gf? I thought u were out gettin em bitches numbers.

It started 2 days ago. Before though, bitches. Bitches everywhere.

Is Swamp People a pretty accurate portrayal of life in the South?

Depends. I know people like that, and I also know CEO's who make a bunch of money. We're very diverse. I love hunting and fishing, and I also wear polo, sperrys, and a Rolex and I made a 32 on the ACT. And Troy from swamp people s a millionaire. He owns thousands of acres of crawfish farms. We're not stupid by any means, there's just some weirdos.

I always ask the first thing that pops into my head. Do you tend to have more trouble from men or women?

Women. Women are dirty fighters and think they can get away with it because of their tits.

How many times have you seen Roadhouse?

I beat off to it every night

I think he would love to respond to your questions but is currently suffering form one of the above actions.

Yeah its getting a bit hectic. I'm doing what I can though. Thank you smoke breaks.

What's the policy on fake id's? It seems to me like bouncers know when they're fake and just choose to let kids in if they do? Does it vary by bar/bouncer?

Depends on the I.d. I had a fake I.D. that black lighted and scanned and I never got caught. Most people just use other peoples I.D.'s though. I don't play that game.

What are some of your values that you live by? Like what kind of words keep you going?

Pussy Money Weed

was always interested in how was the life in such places... Can you even go out at night? Do you think places like Detroit and other crime meccas (like your place) are doomed or there's hope? I'm in Europe , central , nothing really ever happens here!

I go other places to go out at night. There's a town adjacent to Grambling, that's where I go party. They're gonna flourish longer than other places because everyone knows how to deal with the worst, I.e. living in a crappy town. These people are tough and know how to survive. Come to Grambling, get drunk, buy some heroin, find a prostitute that'll work for some Churches chicken and you'll understand the lifestyle.

What's the best way to get a job as a bouncer? I'm a big guy (6'6" 260lbs) and need a job

Apply. Get to know the bouncers in a bar on a friendly level then ask if they're hiring.

So basically anyone under 6' that lifts is out of the picture? Just curious.

Nah I work with guy whos 5'6 and he's a bad mother fucker. Just prove you can be a bad mother fucker. He lifts though, a lot.

What drink do you think makes people act the worst?

Alcohol.

^Beat me to it

Why don't you get a new job?

Its the perks that keep me here. Free liquor after hours, I get girls numbers, I get paid very well, and I enjoy doing it. And bitches love scars.

I am confused. You keep mentioning random girls, and then switch to girlfriend, and then back to random drunk bitches.

"It started 2 days ago" So i guess gf thing is pretty fresh

Indeed. 3 days ago now.

Other then the stabbing and tazer. What's the worst that's happened to you? KO?

You should get a GoPro and go mall cop on everyone.

Do you have any weapons or aid on your side?

I broke my wrist 2 months ago hitting a guy. I can usually dodge the hits that are coming by drunk people, and the ones that land I can shake off because of the adrenaline. My wrist HURT.

I've contemplated it before.

I carry a knife and two big ole arms.

Do you ever skip leg day?

Nope. My real friends dont let me.

Good friends. From what you are saying I feel like you work near where I live. I'm visiting all the bars in all the bad neighborhoods near me until I find you. If someone comes up to you and asks "Why don't you skip leg day?" You'll know it's me.

Look for the devilishly handsome and enormous bouncer by the name of Sweet Lou. And when you ask I will respond with "It was as the prophecy foretold"

How do you deal when there are more assailants than the immediate security team? Can you go into "fuck shit up" mode and start knocking dudes out in self defense?

Usually when I hit one or two guys the others back down. And I'm always in a fuck shit up mode. ALWAYS.

Ever get hit on by a guy?

Yep. A couple of times. It's weird and I politely tell them that I am a straight male who loves TO SLANG UP IN DAt POOSY! But I appreciate the compliment sir.

What is the best story someone has told you in an attempt to get in?

That he lost his job, his wife, and his house all that day and that he couldn't afford to get in. I asked him then why was he wearing ralph lauren and how was he going to afford drinks? He promptly left.

What kind of qualifications did you need to become a bouncer?

Did you take any kind of self-defense training? Did you get any training from your bar? Or are you just a tough mofo

Under the qualifications section of the application I wrote: "I'm really big and I'm an ex powerlifting champion. I'm Alpha" Under the activities section I put: "Wrestling bears and moving big rocks from here to there." My boss is a redditor and thought it was funny.

Damn, that seems painful.

How much do you make? Do you make more then Bouncers in a good neighborhood, as I'd imagine your job is more difficult.

It depends on the night. I usually pop out with about $80-$120 a night when I work. There are no bars in a good neighborhood. Bars are what make them bad neighborhoods.

Hey, have you ever thought you might want to get a safer career, like librarian or accountant?

Yep. But I like the action of the bar. It makes my life interesting and I get to meet a lot of people. Plus, I'm a big dude. I might as well use what I've got.

Has anyone bigger ever started a fight with you and got the better of you?

Well I'm 6'5 240. There aren't too many bigger dudes. But when there are we usually end up broing out. Its the small scrappy ones you've gotta look out for.

Good idea to do this AMA!

What are the top 3 things one can do to get in ahead of the line?

You can't really unless you know the bouncers. If somebody were to pay me $20 a person to get in or so when its $5 cover, I'd scoot them to the front real fast.

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Yep, all the time. That's probably the thing that bothers me the most about my job. But we also have cops on duty at the bar, so I feel a bit safer.

Are you allowed to attack first if you think something is going to kick off or do you have to wait until someone else throws the first punch?

They don't have to throw the first punch, but they do have to make an attempt at harm before I can hit them. A push is an attempt at harm. If they push me, I'm gonna hit them. If something big is about to kick off, I usually just get in the middle of it and break it up before it starts.

I know Grambling is nearly 100% black. Is the night club you work at interracial or solely black?

80% black people at least. Some nights its more, maybe even 100%