My mother was murdered by my father when I was 18. AMA

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Thank you.

sorry.

Thank you.

Sorry for you loss.

What did you do to help yourself recover from such a traumatic event?

I always said I wouldn't allow him to "take" my life too. i didn't want it to destroy me; he would have liked that.

Currently, I've finally found a great therapist. He tells me it might take a years but that I can heal.

Sorry you had to deal with that, I'm glad you found someone that can help!

Thanks. It's been a long road, but I am determined to be the best person I can be and to use the knowledge of my experiences for good.

I'm glad to hear. I friend of mine lost both her parents. She developed a really strong bond with her sister. They are both very successful in professional life now. Good luck!!

I'm so happy to hear that your friend and her sister are doing well.

i didn't want it to destroy me; he would have liked that.

he would have liked that.

Why do you think this is?

The last time I interacted with him he cursed me and told me I was just like my mother. So in my head if he wanted her dead, he would have liked me destroyed as well.

I can only imagine how devasting this is. I'm sorry for your loss.

Is it just you and your brother now? Do you have a relationship at all with your father or his family (grandparents, cousins, etc)?

Yes, from our nuclear family it is just my brother and I. I do not have any communication with our father, but he does. I remained close with my paternal grandmother until she passed away. I am close with my aunts, uncles, and cousins.

So you were in the house when it happened...? was there any commotion / did you wake up and realize what was going on?.. sorry if these bring up bad memories

It's OK. I didn't have to do an AMA. I expect questions.

He broke into our house when he came to pick up my younger brother. I came home that night from college for my Fall break. There where ambulances and police cars outside the house.

How's your little brother doing?

He is a tough cookie. He struggled for awhile, was withdrawn and untrusting, didn't appreciate relationships. He finally enlisted. His final year he spent in Afghanistan. I thought it would ruin him (PTSD and all). But to my amazement, it made him better. He came back wanting to be involved in our lives and wanting to have a relationship. He got married and his wife's kids call him Dad.
I always told my (ex) husband that no matter what if my brother needed me then he came first. Always.

Wow that's good for him>

Yes, he is hardcore and totally awesome! :)

no matter what if my brother needed me then he came first. Always.

Absofuckinglutely

Thank you.

Have you talked to your Dad since?

Just once on the phone. I went into a fair amount of detail about the conversation in a post on this AMA. Maybe tomorrow I can find it and copy and paste for you.

Very sorry for your loss and happy to hear you are healing.

Did he ever, at any time in the past, seem violent or have any violent tendencies what-so-ever, not just to the family, but in general? And how have all of your friends reacted to such gruesome news and have they helped you along the way? Again, sorry for your loss.

Yes, he shot and killed a male dog that kept getting in the pen with our female dog who was in heat. (don't even get me started on how many things are wrong with that sentence)

I had started my freshman year of college 6 weeks prior, so I didn't really have established friendships there. My high school friends were all dealing with starting college themselves. I did have one amazing friend who I had met the weekend before. He took a week off classes and came to be with me. We ended up dating for 18 months. His presence in my life helped saved me from suicide. It's been almost 2 decades now, new friends don't really know what to say when they find out. Thank you.

I'll be your friend! hug. You have amazing strength, not everyone can be as strong as you. It's a gift!

Thank you! :)

I'm sorry. Was how did you deal with it? Was your father charged?

He was charged and convicted of first degree homicide and breaking and entering with the intent to do harm.

Currently, I am seeing a therapist that is helping me. I tried many over the years. But mostly I deal with determination not to let him destroy my potential like he did my mother's.

My advice would be to keep your head up and keep trying to find a therapist you "click" with. There are lots of therapist who aren't the right one for you.

I'm glad you found a therapist that works for you. I can't imagine how that felt. My dad pulled a gun on my mother and brother when my parents were in the middle of a divorce. He didn't shoot them, my brother grabbed the gun from him. It could have ended a lot worse.

I'm sorry you had to live through that as well. It still puts a ton of stress on you to know that your parent could even think of doing something like that. Your brother is a hero. I hope is getting the support he needs.

As someone whose parents are going through a divorce and whose dad is a complete asshole, this scares me. Sorry you went through that shit man

I'm sorry you are living with that fear. My mom wasn't afraid and at the time neither was I. I sometimes wonder if she had been afraid if she would have done a better job of protecting herself.
Thank you.

Lost my father at 7 from cancer. Not quite the same circumstances, but did lose a parent. Anyways, I understand how hard this is and being 16 now, I can tell you that you'll only get better and better. Best of luck to you.

Thank you. This happened almost 2 decades ago. In some ways it does get better. Sometimes I hear my friends talking about their parents as grandparents to their kids and it really stings. I'm sorry for your loss as well.

What was your mom like?

My mom was always positive. She got sad and felt frustrated with aspects of the divorce process but she was always confident that it would work out. She was generous and compassionate. So many people told me, "She was my best friend." and so many more said "She was my favorite teacher." She was wise and strong. When I was in high school we had a code. Sometimes your friends put you on the spot and make you ask permission to do something you don't want to do like go to a party and you don't like the other people there. . . so our system worked like this: If I wanted her to say 'yes' I would ask "Mom, May I.....?" but if I wanted her to say 'no' I would ask "Mom, Can I.....?" It worked perfectly, my friends never caught on. She always had my back. I need her.

That's so sweet. I'm sorry she was taken from you far too early and in such an unimaginable way, but it sounds like she was able to impart some of her strength to you before she left. She sounds like a truly wonderful person.

Thank you. She was!

Any contact with your father after the episode? He gave any excuses? Did you forgive him? Also: Sorry for your loss...

I spoke with him once on the phone. Really just because I wanted to find out how to cook something he made when I was a kid. He still claims he is innocent of is full of reasons why. I don't carry any hate towards him. I have forgiveness for him but I believe to truly be forgiven he would have to admit to his wrong doings. I wish he would do that; it would be incredible closure. Thank you.

That must have been an odd call.

I was at my grandmother's house (his mom) when he called her. I asked for the phone. She warned him that she was handing it to me. I had three questions to ask him regarding memories I had that I wanted to clarify. One was the dish that I needed ingredient info, another had to do with the location of a memory, and the last had to do with how old I was when something had happened. That kind of information is something you lose when you don't have parents.

My baby was crying in the background and he had the nerve to say "I heard grandbabies crying." I ignored him. He hasn't been told about my family and I don't want him to know. As far as I am concerned my kids aren't "his grandbabies"

He also told me a bunch of stuff about prison that I'd rather not know because it made me really mad at how unjust the world is.

Oh this makes more sense. I thought it was you getting in contact with him just for the recipe.

I can understand your choice about not telling him about your kids/family. I would do the same. How will you go about telling your kids about their grandmother/grandfather? (Sorry that might be a sensitive/emotional question).

Could you share more about what you said about the prison stuff he had told you about.

My kids have always known who my mom is/was. I've talked about her since they were tiny and refer to her as Grandma her first name. Over time they have asked enough questions that they know my father killed her. They haven't asked a lot of questions yet about the circumstances but when they do I will answer them. I tell them just enough to answer their question and hopefully don't give them more information than they are ready to deal with.

At the time my (now ex) husband wanted to get an HVAC certification so he could make more money at his job. We couldn't afford the classes. But coincidently, my father shared that he had just earned his in prison. All he had to do now was tear down the HVAC unit he had built. I asked him why he would tear it down and he said "I don't know. I guess so the next guy can learn from building it." I was furious that this man has a double major and my tax dollars are paying for him to get more training. At the same time my (ex) husband can't get that same training to better provide for our kids. Also, Why the HELL would the tear down the HVAC unit? Couldn't the prison sell those things and use them to profit to feed the prisoners? It was all totally illogical to me.

That's a good approach. I guess it wouldn't be any good in hiding it from them since eventually they will be old enough to figure it out themselves.

And oh yes, it is surprising to know what our tax dollars go to. In one aspect, it is good that those in prison are given the opportunists to better themselves and become active members of society upon their release. However, when you look at the example you gave, it does become a little hard to justify why a prisoner has it easier than any other person to obtain the same education/certification.

I understand educating prisoners who will be released while they are young enough to work. My father has a life + 10 year sentence.

You do have a point there.

Ahhhh, someone who understands logic. So refreshing.

You are good person. Have a big heart. It is probably also good for you to not carry hatred.

Thank you.

He still claims he is innocent of is full of reasons why.

What are his reasons?

Since I'm not in touch with him I hear these things second hand. I really don't care. The last lie we heard was that the FBI was doing an investigation and was going to get him exonerated. It wasn't true.

It's so nice to have a calm AMA in here.

It feels like I've walked out of a noisy club with a load of arseholes into a calm quiet side-room where a small group of people are discussing what has been an interesting AMA.

722KL It's really good to see that you're able to deal with this in such a level headed way, I admire you for that. I hope your experiences benefit you, and your kids for the better

Thank you.

I am sorry for the loss I know how it feels to lose a parent. I lost my father from Cancer when I was 10. Very traumatic at the time. My parents split when I was 2 and at the time lived with my father. When he passed it was really hard not only because he had passed but I now had to live with an abusive step-father (it has been 15 years and him and I are actually on good terms now) When I lost my father I was completely lost being a male. I had noone to go to. I missed out on being able to play the sports I wanted or learning how to work on cars. Once I moved out is when I was able to start learning things on my own. I am now 25 and the only male left in the family to carry on the name. I miss him dearly.

Thank you. I know you do miss your Dad. Never quit trying to be the person you are inside; the person your Dad knew. More than anything, I'd like my Mom to advise me how to be a good parent to my kids. I understand how it is to have missed out on a parent's knowledge. It sucks. Stay strong. I'm sorry for your loss.

I just want to send you some love. I don't have a relationship with my father either, but mine's definitely not as traumatic as what you had to go through :(

Things like this never really leave you, it just gets easier to deal with, so I hope these 2 decades have done you wonders <3

Thank you. I've definitely done some things I'm really proud of. I have a lot more that I want to accomplish.

What do you mean your family kept her life insurance money? How much? Were they legally required to pay you or how did they get it? Spare no expense on the details.

Copy and pasted from a precious answer: The policy listed the relative as the beneficiary. My mom had told me that her will stated that since I had turned 18 I was to get my half and that the relative would get the other half to take care of my brother. The will was never found. The relative had access to the house and I believe they took the copy that was in the house. The relative was also good friends with the attorney who drew up the will. The attorney denied drawing up a will for my mother. I contacted my state's expert on estate law and she said without the will there was nothing I could do. I have no idea; I was never told. Through my mom's job it could have been 1-5 times her salary. I don't know what she was signed up for. The relative also got named executor of my mom's estate and took mostly everything: at a minimum around 100,000 and a maximum probably 200,000. They also took or gave away many of my mom's possessions.

yikes. i would have hired a hitman if my lawyer didn't kill them first. have you seek any legal routes for this?

Well, there was evidence to suggest that my father put a hit out on my brother and I the year between the murder and his trial. That was a really unpleasant thing. Plus, it would only put me on his level if I killed someone for monetary gain. Nope.

I sought legal counsel many times. The end result was this: I contacted my state's expert on estate law and she said without the will there was nothing I could do. siiigh

i don't know why but this pisses me off more than your father killing your mother.

Pretty much. Being at a financial disadvantage with no resources to pull from has made it hard to recover. I never got a degree because I couldn't swing it financially. For a long time therapy wasn't an option either. In many ways I feel like this "crime" (that goes unpunished) has been just as harmful if not more so than the murder.

I don't understand how someone could do that. Especially in a situation like that. I'm so sorry for all this

I don't understand it either. Thank you.

I'm sorry to hear of the horrible loss of your mom at the hands of your dad. I lost my mom at the age of 6 (she had some serious depression/psych problems and committed suicide via gunshot). My dad was an adequate, if somewhat indifferent, parent. I believe he was just overwhelmed by raising 6 kids alone, so no harm, no foul. He's been gone about 10 years now. One thing I took away from this less-than-ideal situation is that I have the freedom to make decisions about raising my kids without the undue influence of a bad parent... that I'm free of bad examples. I'm sometimes strangely thankful she died and did not pass her issues on to her kids, and that my dad didn't take his problems out on us. I now that seems mean, but.. well, it's true. I try to remain free of bad influence and protect my mental health by not tolerating fools or unnecessary drama in my personal life and avoiding substances that cloud judgement or impair clear thinking. I consider that protective of the potential mental health issues that seem to run in the family. With raising the kids, I did have to do some research and find good examples to emulate, but it has worked very well. You dad sounds like a person I would not like or put much effort in to, and might actually avoid, if I were to meet him. I'm sorry you can't have those great parents you deserve, but I hope you get the great kids and good realionships you do deserve. Enjoy your freedom!

It sounds like you've found a really good place to move on from your less than ideal childhood. I'm glad. What I'm taking from your post is: I am damn luck to have had 18 years with an incredibly loving mother. I won't forget it. Thank you.

What happened to your father?

He is serving a life + 10 year sentence in the state penitentiary. Our state passed a "life means life" law several months before my mom's death but it didn't go into effect until the first of the coming year. So, that does not apply to him. He comes up for parole once a year, unless the victims are granted a deferral. If we are granted a deferral he doesn't come up again for 3 years. I have to request one every time.

Wow. Sad that they offer parole to cold blooded killers.

I agree. Every time I testify to the parole board. It is a very stressful time for me. I have a hard time understanding the process. I need to testify for the best chance to get his parole denied, but that feels like it punishes me.

What does life + 10 year sentence mean? Doesn't life cover the rest of his life?

In this case, no life doesn't cover the rest of his life. He is eligible for parole. (I've written more about that on this AMA). The "+ 10" was accounted for in how long he had to serve before he was eligible for parole. Mostly it was just the courts way of saying we are punishing you for the crimeS you have been convicted of.

1st degree homicide = life

breaking and entering with the intent to do harm = 10

So does the life sentence mean the only way out is through parole? If he doesn't get out with parole he's stuck in prison for life?

Honestly, I'm not 100% positive. The odds are in his favor that eventually he will be paroled. I think in my state life means 20 or 25 years. So there could be the possibility that after 35 years they would let him walk. That is still a 75% percent increase over the time he has already served so I haven't given it too much thought. Thanks for the question. I'll have to look into it.

Hey thanks for doing this AMA. My condolences to you.

You're welcome! Thank you.

I'm sorry you had to go through that :c

Do you think you'll ever forgive him for what he's done? Would you ever consider speaking to him again?

EDIT - I forgot how to spell.

Thank you. I have forgiveness for him. I don't think I will ever give him that forgiveness unless he admits what he did. At this point (nearly 2 decades later) he still denies it.
I'd be interested in hearing a confession and to have the opportunity to ask questions. I'm not holding my breath.

Please tell me he received life in prison. A man like that does not deserve to walk free.

He received a life sentence, but he is still eligible for parole. I think he comes up for parole again this year (ugggg).

Is there anything you can do to get him locked up forever.

I can keep going to parole hearings and asking for his parole to be denied. I can also ask for the parole board to grant me (a victim) a deferral. That means he won't come up for parole again for 3 years instead of coming up for parole every year.

If you think that is bad, I can tell you something worst, but it is complicated and a tad long.

I have time but you need not share it under the condition that it pains you to do so. I cant even imagine the pain you must have felt upon discovering this. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you.

The summer before my mom died (in the fall) my state passed a "life means life" law, so no parole if you are given a life sentence. BUT, the law didn't go into effect until the first of the year. So even though my father was convicted the following year, the crime happened before the law went into effect and the law doesn't apply to him. (damn it)

Some lawmakers were worried that this law would turn prisons into nursing homes and hospice care which would be very expensive. They added a clause called "geriatric release" which means the prisoner can submit for parole and if their health is poor enough that they require a nursing home or hospice then they will be paroled from prison.

The bad part- my father does not fall under "life means life" but "geriatric release" applies to ALL prisoners. WTF, right? It gets "better".

When I go to parole hearings I request a deferral; I don't want to go through that shit every year. This past time I was informed that my father was over the age of 60 and now qualifies for geriatric release. If they grant me a deferral that would legally supersede geriatric release and therefore would deny him his rights. Holy shit, I thought I was going to blow a gasket!!! In the end, I had campaigned for the Attorney General (the parole board works under him) and I have friends who know the AG personally. I wrote him a letter. I'm not sure what happened but I got my deferral. We'll see what happens this year. I can't believe it has been three years already.

That would stress me out too much. It must be so hard to do this. I feel like you could present this case before a court and have his sentence changed to no chance of parole or at least moved to the life means life plan. One thing important to remember is that you should make sure he does not know where you live. This mat sound crazy or whatever but just in case he wanted to hurt you for revenge or whatever.I doubt it would happen but it's better safe than sorry. If you are ever overwhelmed, remember my motto for life: the sky is blue, water is wet, the world keeps turning.

Thank you for that motto. I'm feeling like it would be a good thing to paint on the wall. You are so right about being careful. There was evidence to suggest that he tried to put out a hit man on my brother and I the year between the murder and his trial (we were witnesses). Is was never proven but it still scares the crap out of me.

That motto is something my World History teacher told me a while back. It has helped me out a ton. Try to put distance in between you, and if you do end up forgiving him, make sure you don't stay in contact to the point where you're visiting each other often. It probably isn't safe at all.

Oh I haven't had contact with him for 8 years now and that was only a phone conversation. Prior to that was 10 years with no contact. I have forgiveness for him but I can't give it to him until he confesses. He has always denied his actions. He isn't a safe person, never has been.

I just want to say my mother died about a year ago, I was 20 years old a the time. It's hard to wake up everyday and go to class, do homework, and all that stuff, I'm trucking through it but it's extremely difficult for me because all day I will be fine, then when I try to sleep I just stay up thinking about stuff forever, especially my Mom. Would be awesome if something like your talking about got started. Anyway, hope everything turns out good for you in the end man.

It sounds like you are staying strong. Do you have a support network? If you'd like send me a pm. I'm happy to be a listening ear, send care packages, and help you figure out a game plan to get through the hard patches.

You really are an amazing person. Hope you realize that every day you wake up.

Thank you.

What sort of physical evidence did they have against him?

No physical evidence that I know of. If there was physical evidence it was that his hands matched bruising on her body. I'm not sure since I wasn't in the courtroom (witness aren't allowed to hear other testimony).

There was very strong circumstantial evidence. The neighbor was moving her sprinkler every 10-15 minutes. She knew her timeline cold. She hadn't seen anyone else at the house and she could place my father and brother there. Also, my brother testified that my father went into the house alone, extremely unusual.

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I'm so glad you did write. Every day. . . . every day I am acutely aware that my life would be so much better with her. Every day the hell I've lived hurts. Every day I fight to be the person I think I would have been, should be. Every day I fight to make her proud with no assurances that I am successful. Every single one of the 6,714 days. (Or a few days short of 18.5 years.)

How long has it been for you? I'd be happy to join forces with someone on the non-profit/charity work if you'd be interested in talking about it.

How are you? Do you need anything?

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Has your mom confessed? I'd write to my father if he has confessed, but he still denies it.

It is really exhausting. That is one of the things I'm hoping therapy will improve- my energy levels.

I'll write you a longer message tomorrow about non-profit/charity stuff. I'm getting too tired tonight to think.

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My father was convicted by the court but he has never confessed.

I lost my mother 3 years ago in exactly the same way,when I was 16, with the exception that I was present and watched it happen. I know exactly how your felt and I can empathize... It's tough but you can't let him win. Good luck to you, my friend!

I may be speaking out of place, but I feel for you, so I figured I'd let you know that OP seems to have responded to most posts of victims of similar circumstances. She may have overlooked yours, but I get the impression she'd be open to receiving a private message from you if you wish to talk to her.
I'm sorry to hear what happened to you both and I wish you lots of strength to overcome these experiences.
(note: I've had this page open for hours, reading through it in between work, so if she's already replied I apologize for my redundant post)

Hey lisa-work, thanks for having my back! I appreciate it.

Good luck to you as well. Stay strong and feel free to contact me if you ever need someone to listen.

You state you have finally found a great therapist. In your opinion what makes a good or bad therapist?

Most therapist I've been too either told me that they weren't able to help someone with such a serious background or they gave me that impression. This left me feeling ruined and destroyed, like there was no hope for getting better.

This therapist is able to make me feel validated, important, and special. He is not scared to help me tackle my past and is good a finding tools that are helpful to me.

A good (for you) therapist is helping you improve. A bad (for you) therapist is not achieving progress or is making things worst.

Sorry for your loss. I have a huge heart so I shed some tears :(

Thank you.

First, I'd like to say I'm sorry for your loss, it must have been hard losing your mother at that age. I'd like to know, though, how your father killed your mother, if it's not too tough to answer. I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything. Was it a shooting, or something else? Thanks for doing this AMA, it's interesting to read, as sad as it is.

Thank you.

Her death certificate says "blunt force trauma and asphyxiation". Her hyoid bone was broken according to the autopsy. That is not an easy thing to do. There were also many (in the 50s, if I remember correctly) deep bruises all over her body.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyoid_bone#Fracture_and_applied_anatomy (of note- the "fracture and applied anatomy" section)

Thanks for doing this AMA! Where are you in the process of starting the organization?

Just beginning. I'm sort of ashamed to say that. I know this is my purpose in life and I can't be truly happy unless I make it happen. It has been formulating in my head for a long while. I want to: have scholarships, for some colleges provide housing, have a support forum, have a hotline, have a resource that tells you how to do things you parents would have told you (buy, insure, register, maintain a car), send birthday cards and care packages, how to explain your situation to professors so if you get in a grief cycle they can make a plan with you to stay on track with your course work, provide a place to go when the dorms close, help with finding a therapist, etc-

Honestly, I would like in a box and eat uncooked ramen (gross)if it allowed me to send care packages to college students who had lost a parent.

I'm working on filing for 501c3 status now. Then I hope I can start to raise money, build a website, and start helping people. Paperwork sucks.

You mentioned an ex-husband. How did your situation affect your own divorce? In general, how did it affect your attitude toward marriage?

They say you will subconsciously recreate the relationship you had with your parent when you marry. I also married someone who is emotionally abusive and narcissistic. I left because I finally realized what was happening. My oldest was 4 years younger than I was when my mother left my father. My kids' dad has actually really stepped up to put the kids first and I believe the divorce has made him a better dad for my kids.

You are one of the best kind of people. Good job not becoming your father from the grief, but instead rising up to help others in your shoes. Thank you for turning tragedy into saving grace.

Thank you.

you're so brave. it's amazing that the people that suffer the greatest tragedies in life become the most strong-hearted and kind.

Thank you.

I don't actually have a question, I just wanted to reïnforce the encouragement that others have also conveyed.
From the way you reply and the content of your replies, I have the strong suspicion that you're a wonderful, worthwhile person. How different your personality could have been shaped by this..!
Thank you very much for talking about this. I hope you and the people who've replied with similar experiences will continue to grow, find peace within yourselves and maybe even find a constructive way of bonding together and make the world a better place by starting the charity you've mentioned.
Love! ♥

Thank you! And thanks again for the back-up earlier too :)

So where is the dad now?

state penitentiary

If you had the chance would you kill your father?

I wish I could say yes. But, NO. I want to be better than him, not stoop to his level.

I'm sorry for your loss. What had led to the divorce? Do you think that was the reason which made him act that way?

My father has a history of taking his money and putting a down payment on something (usually real estate), again and again and again. Sounds great right? But he never paid any of it off, or he did so extremely slowly. We were in big time debt. All he needed to do was sell a few things and pay off the others. But he couldn't because to him his value was tied up in possessions (my diagnosis). He was also a compulsive liar. One lie he told was about medical bills. He told my mom he had taken care of them. In reality, they garnished my mom's wages to pay for the medical bills. Now, my mom was really pissed. She was working to keep the electricity on, provided health insurance, and to feed us while my father used his money to buy us more debt. This was the proverbial straw and my mother said "no more". My mother wanted 1/2 the marital property. But remember, my father can't give up anything that is "his". So hell ensued. My mother was the rational one and the courts saw things her way. In the end, he had less stuff so he killed her.

The simplified version of the story. The long version might be a novella.

Did you ever want to kill your father? (I say did, because you seem to be handling this pretty well) Do you worry that you might inherit these violent traits due to you being his offspring? I am sorry this happened to you, I hope you can start your non-profit soon.

Yes, I wanted to kill him for being an asshole before he murdered my mother, and instead I got a dead mother. I learned really quickly that that kind of energy is no good.

I used to tease my ex that I would kill him and that I'd get away with it too because it is genetic and I couldn't help myself.

I think my brother struggles with this more that I do. I really look like our mom but he looks like our dad. One of the greatest things someone ever said to me is "You are so much like your mom."

Thank you, I hope I can get it off the ground soon too.

I am very sorry that you lost your mother. Why did your mother and father get a divorce?

I've told the story in more detail but. . . he lied told my mom he had taken care of some debt, but he was lying. They garnished my mom's wages which was compromising her ability to provide for my brother and I. That was the proverbial straw.

[deleted]

Two reasons- The first is to connect with people in similar situations. I want to use my non-profit to meet the needs of those people/people like them. My own experience and my own needs are a valuable source of information but to do the work well I need to learn from others as well. The other is I hate writing. Doing this AMA has allowed my to document many details of my story for the first time. The words I've written here will be a good foundation for any further writing I choose to do.

I'm sorry if this causes a trigger in any way: but did your father ever explain to your brother and you why he did this? Especially when a divorce was already imminent?

My father has never confessed and still vehemently proclaims his innocence.
In my opinion, he always believed he was above the law. He is very narcissistic. I think he killed her because he maintained a life insurance policy on her and he wanted the money.

I'm so sorry :( sending strength and love your way.

Thank you. I really do appreciate it.

Money isn't evil; it's the LOVE of money that will get you into trouble. Keep your priorities straight and you'll be good.

How did he kill your mother? What nationality are you? I'm also very sorry, it was heartbreaking to read everything.

Thank you.

I'm American.

I answered that one before, so I'm just going to copy the answer- Her death certificate says "blunt force trauma and asphyxiation". Her hyoid bone was broken according to the autopsy. That is not an easy thing to do. There were also many (in the 50s, if I remember correctly) deep bruises all over her body. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyoid_bone#Fracture_and_applied_anatomy (of note- the "fracture and applied anatomy" section)

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Does your dad know about your testimonies to deny him parole? If so, do you know how he feels about it?

I'm not sure. I know they don't tell him the details of what I've said. I don't think he knows I've testified either. Really it is just a meeting with a member of the parole board with a stenographer/court reporter present. I do have to drive to my state's capital to do it (not really that far).

I certainly don't know how he feels about it and to be honest- I don't care.

Yeah, I would have guessed you wouldn't care.

I'm sorry about all that. I'm glad you seem to be in/getting to a good place.

Sorry, if that was abrupt. I feel if I knew how he felt it might affect my life and I don't want that to happen. If I found out he was angry I would probably worry that he would attempt to put a hit out on me again. So I care; I just don't want to know.

No, your post wasn't too abrupt. I know what you mean.

Glad to hear it!

Do you want a relationship with your father in the future or do you simply want him to go away and rot in jail? I'm sorry for you and your sibling loss. :(

Thank you.
If my father would confess, honestly answer my questions, and make an effort to help his children (he still has assets), then yes I would want a relationship with him. If he can't even give his own children the truth and the gift of closure, then no; he can rot.

But he isn't rotting. He gets AC, heat, cable, 3 meals cooked for him, clothing, a gym, and education. He as a double major but in prison he has earned several certifications that would allow him to make good money (if someone would hire him) on the outside. (I learned this from my brother.) Our tax dollars pay for that.

You are a better person than me. I probably would cut off all contact with him and move on with my life after he decided to kill my mother. The fact he was hiding child support tells me he's not a very responsible person. How was he as a father growing up? Abusive? Supportive? Loving?

In retrospect I know he was an emotionally abusive narcissistic asshole. He was horrible to my mother, not in a violent way but in a soul destroying way. I'm still in awe that she managed to be such a beautiful, giving person and a first rate mom while she dealt with him. I was in therapy before she died to deal with the fact that my dad wasn't who I thought he was. Every positive memory I have of him was a situation that was orchestrated by my mom to help establish a bond between us.
I've also learned from my current therapist that this situation caused me to grow up in an unusually stressful environment which has effected how I cope with life.
Thanks dad (dripping with sarcasm)

Do you know if he gets internet access? How weird would that be if he was on Reddit and reading this

I think they do have some access but it is extremely limited. I pretty sure they can't see the public interacting (forums, comment on news, etc).

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Non-existant. He had a relationship with my younger brother. At one point he told me "if you want me to fight for you (custody in court) I will, but if you don't them tell me now and I'll save my money". What kind of parent says that? He should want me no matter what. He was going to fight for my brother anyway, adding me to the court paper wasn't going to cost him more. Around that period of time I starting seeing a therapist to deal with the fact that my father had never been who I thought he was. I started questioning my mom and family members about positive memories I had regarding my father. I quickly learned that in every case the situation had been orchestrated by my mother to encourage a bond between us. The last interaction a had with him before he killed my mom, he cursed me out because I called him on not paying support.
The last live interaction I had with him, I was holding my little brother on my lap after telling him that our mama was dead. We were sitting on one side of a couch at my grandmother's house, my father was at the other end. My brother and I were both crying hard and clinging to each other. My father reached over and pulled my brother from my arms and left me alone. Several days later, he was arrested.

I just want to hold you so tight. Even now. You are a precious and wonderful person. You are worth fighting for. You are important and you are stronger than titanium.

Thank you. No one has ever fought for me. Those words mean so much.

Wait, so there was a matter of days between him killing her, and him being arrested?

Did everyone know he'd done it?

She died on a Friday night. I believe he was arrested on Tuesday afternoon. Her wake was Tuesday night and the funeral was on Wednesday. Wow, that detail is a little sketchy in my mind right now. I remember being hugely relieved to hear the arrest had been made and he wouldn't show up at the wake or the funeral.

Many people "knew" or had a strong suspicion. Most of those were either his family or hers.

How did they keep your mom's life insurance money and was it a lot?

The policy listed the relative as the beneficiary. My mom had told me that her will stated that since I had turned 18 I was to get my half and that the relative would get the other half to take care of my brother. The will was never found. The relative had access to the house and I believe they took the copy that was in the house. The relative was also good friends with the attorney who drew up the will. The attorney denied drawing up a will for my mother.
I contacted my state's expert on estate law and she said without the will there was nothing I could do. I have no idea; I was never told. Through my mom's job it could have been 1-5 times her salary. I don't know what she was signed up for. The relative also got named executor of my mom's estate and took mostly everything: at a minimum around 100,000 and a maximum probably 200,000. They also took or gave away many of my mom's possessions.

that's awful. Do you have any plans to sue that relative and take it back?

I tried: "I contacted my state's expert on estate law and she said without the will there was nothing I could do."

I've always thought that by default if a parent dies their inheritance and processions went to their children or wife/husband even with out the will. weird. Sorry for your lost and for having a really shitty relative. Edit: spelling

Thank you. If your next of kin are minor children you need a will. If you die without one the courts will name an adult to be the executor of your estate. If a family member volunteers they can do it for free or they can take some money claiming it as their fee for doing the work. If a family member doesn't volunteer the courts will appoint a professional who will also takes fees out of your estate. If minor children are listed as the beneficiaries on your life insurance the courts will typically hold the money, or put it in trust until the children are 18. Who ever is taking care of those minor children have no financial help unless they petition the court to release some of the money (pita). Or you can list the adult who will have custody of your children and the beneficiary and in the will stipulate that they must use the funds to provide for the children.

Any way you go, it is ugly. Bottom line, if you have kids you need a will! Please, please, please don't let this crap happen to your kids. Give sealed copies to multiple people.

Also, this is my non-professional knowledge based on my limited experience in the U.S. Talk to a professional.

Don't answer if this is a touchy question, but, in what way did he kill her?

I'm going to copy and paste a previous answer. I hope you don't mind.

Her death certificate says "blunt force trauma and asphyxiation". Her hyoid bone was broken according to the autopsy. That is not an easy thing to do. There were also many (in the 50s, if I remember correctly) deep bruises all over her body. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyoid_bone#Fracture_and_applied_anatomy (of note- the "fracture and applied anatomy" section)

Fuck me. Hopefully they throw away the key.

I wish they had, but nope. The story about parole crap has been posted.

After living such thing what advice can you give us to get over such events? Hope you have gotten over that and i am realy sorry for the loss

Thank you. I'm still not sure I'm over it. Advice:
1-Get a "good" therapist (helps you make progress, does not let you remain stagnate or makes things worst)

2-Develop a support network figure out what you need and keep asking/fighting until someone fills that need.
3-Come up with a mantra that works for you. Mine is "I will NOT let him destroy my potential too." It is irrefutable (in my mind at least).

4-One foot in front of the other, never stop, never give up.

Very sorry for your loss, I lost my younger brother to epilepsy when I was 15, four years on I am almost certain I have found an appropriate degree of peace with the situation. My question to you is, were there any particular 'vices' that you adopted to deal with the emotional pressure? I often consider my own weakness and wonder if I could have dealt with my feelings in a more positive way.

I have some serious Spidey senses about vices. I always felt like I was on the edge of disaster and I was determined to win that battle, I never wanted to stack the odds in the favor of Disaster.

My biggest vice is probably a long hot shower. I also get strength from sitting beside large bodies of water, especially when it is warm outside. Is winter over yet?

I'm not going to ask you how you felt, it would be silly, it surely was very hard for you I just cannot imagine it. Here's my question: after all this time, did a part of yourself forgive to your father?

I've written here many times. I have forgiveness for him but I can't give him that forgiveness until he confesses.