It's been a year since the end of DADT. IAmA gay Marine. AMAA.

Have most people in the military accepted the repeal of DADT and started to treat out servicemen/women as they would anyone else, or does a culture of intolerance remain within the military?

How often do you and your spouse get to see each other and do you anticipate being able to be together full time anytime soon?

I can only speak for my observances with the news and my unit. My unit has been completely supportive of my family. I was even heavily encouraged to bring my husband to last year's birthday ball. I was thinking about doing it, was hesitant because the repeal had just happened, but my Marines all urged me to do it. It's been a great experience. I feel very loved and supported.

Based on my observations of the Marine Corps, I can only say that the Corps is very much just a "print screen" of America. You have many Marines who are happy about repeal, many who are indifferent and there are of course many who still think it's terrible and will destroy our Corps. To my knowledge, I haven't heard of any violent reactions to the repeal.

I can tell you that we in the recruiting command make it a point to address the issue with enlisted applicants and officer candidates before they even go to basic training, and strongly urge that our personal feelings never get in the way of our mission: winning battles and taking care of each other.

I try to see my husband at least once a quarter. We won't be together before my EAS (End of active service), but after that, I will be living with him permanently.

Thanks for the questions!

Were there more or less dick jokes, considering the circumstances?

More. Now the challenge is to see how uncomfortable we can make each other.

I was even heavily encouraged to bring my husband to last year's birthday ball.

This made me smile! Aw, I'm so happy for you that you have a supportive unit. :)

It's humbling. I'm very happy here.

You have many Marines who are happy about repeal, many who are indifferent and there are of course many who still think it's terrible and will destroy our Corps

Same deal in the Army, glad to hear you're happy.

What part of Iraq were you in?

Al-Anbar. Mainly Fallujah.

Describe your experience before the repeal of DADT, and after. Were there any specific experiences that you found surprised you, were reaffirming, or completely unexpected as a result of the repeal?

My experience before repeal was one of constant fear, doubt and growing resentment. I was an angry person. I was expected to die for my country, and couldn't celebrate coming home openly with my family? It was infuriating. And scary. Always watching my back to see if some Marines followed me to the bar. Always saying things to myself before saying them aloud to make sure I didn't "tell". Always afraid pictures would show up. Always afraid to make friends, have fun, be human.

After, I am open, I am happy, I'm a family man, I'm a good Marine, and I'm a damn good guy to hang out with on the weekend. IMHO, of course.

Surprise: So many Marines are just so okay with it or indifferent to it. I had actually expected some blowback. I found none.

Reaffirming: Some Marines who did have a problem confronted me about it professionally and I was able to "show them the light" per se, that I was still the same Marine they had always known.

Unexpected: The Family Readiness Officer is constantly trying to get me and my husband to do more spousal training, and my Commanding Officer addresses my husband as my husband.

Thank you so much for your service. I am honored and proud to have you defending my rights as an American citizen, and humble that it took us so long to offer you the recognition that you so rightly, rightly deserve.

thank you.

This is awesome. You are awesome. Thank you for sharing.

No, you are awesome. Thank you for existing.

You sir, are my favorite person today!

blush

Reaffirming: Some Marines who did have a problem confronted me about it professionally and I was able to "show them the light" per se, that I was still the same Marine they had always known.

Can you elaborate?

One of my bosses took me into his office and explained that he was fervently against repeal. But since he met me and my husband, he's come to realize that repeal is a great thing, because it's bringing families together and encouraging Marines to have something to fight for.

What were his reasons for being against it?

He didn't know any gay people and grew up with very strict beliefs about homosexuality.

As an AD marine who has supported the repeal since before they talked about repealing it I'm glad to see this post! I actually joined the marines with a lesbian (now openly) but haven't had anyone come out in my unit yet. Still whenever someone makes an slur in front of the marines I'm quick to shut that shit down in case any of them would like to come out its a safe environment. Good for you man and congratulations! Now let's work on the repeal of DOM act and get benefits for spouses!

Thank you. Semper.

So with that said. -how did your unit react?

-did you work with any known bigots beforehand that act differently now?

-has it effected your ability to get promotions/billets.

-does your chain of command recognize the legitimacy of your marriage and do you bring your husband around family events?

-how did coming out go down?

Thanks for the AMA!

-Unit already knew and started a pool to see when I would come out. I came out that day. Brought cupcakes. Rainbow frosted with plastic butterfly toys rings. Everyone ate a cupcake, and everyone has a ring on their desk. lol

-None that I'm aware of. I had a Marine tell me he was against repeal simply because he's never known a gay man, and was happy that I provided such a shining example. Borderline offensive, but I'm glad I could help.

-Not at all. Picked up sergeant the normal way, and my job is just as irritating and hard as it was pre 9/20.

-My chain does recognize that I consider him my husband, and thy have invited him to family events. Most notable was the first Ball post 9/20. I was hesitant to bring him, but all my Marines urged me to do it. And we had a great time. In the photo above where my husband is pinning me, that was actually my boss' idea. "He's pinning you, right?"

-Like I said, coming out was a festive affair with cupcakes. lol. But it's still a process. I'm still getting used to the openness. Only started to recently hold my husband's hand in public.

I came out that day. Brought cupcakes. Rainbow frosted with plastic butterfly toys rings. Everyone ate a cupcake, and everyone has a ring on their desk. lol

I honestly think that would have turned Chesty Puller's frown upside down.

That was my goal. I wanted to take the edge off the day, if there was one, and just keep morale high.

Isnt that sad? 'I'm against the repeal because I've never known a gay man' I hate that people are so afraid/against the unknown. Congratulations on a successful coming out! I hope you like abq I just moved away and I desperately miss the chili.

Awesome, thanks. Now I know what to have for dinner.

Until recently, I always felt a little uncomfortable around gay military until I was introduced to a married airforce friend of my wife's, who I think is an awesome guy. Now I find it a lot easier to be comfortable around him, and other military members like him. I realize now that I was ignorant, but from your point of view can you also tolerate people like me? Do you think the rest of the military is capable of learning the same lesson?

I tolerate everybody because I expect the same. One of my bosses was like you, and he actually told me the same thing. He was uncomfortable, I came out, he likes me, he likes my husband, now he's comfortable.

I have strong faith in the professionalism and family-orientation of our military. Especially the Marine Corps.

Would you rather fight one horse sized duck or fifty duck sized horses? Also thank you for your service

Are we talking Herculean flesh-eating horses or just normal horses?

Hmm let's just stick to regular horses

Ah. Then fifty duck-sized. I can kick pretty hard.

If he said Herculean flesh-eating horses, would your answer have changed?

Yes. I wouldn't want to be torn apart by Compies.

You said you and your husband met by accident. I want to hear the story of how you met.

Where did you get married?

How difficult is a long distance marriage?

Love this story.

I first met him while cleaning the outside of the barracks. He was a corporal at the time, and I was a lance corporal. I can still hear the first words he ever said to me:

"Hey, Lance Cpl, pick up that trash and move faster." Poetry really.

I didn't know he was gay, though. Turns out, we shared a mutual friend who told me he was gay. He didn't really mean to. He just kind of said it while I was complaining.

"That corporal's a dick," I said. "Yeah. He's gay, though, so..."

So, we arranged a meeting to watch movies in my friend's room. My husband was shy at the time, and hated hanging out with people, so I had to coax him up. He said he didn't have time because he had to roll his sleeves, so i said I'd do it for him. What does he do when he first sees me? He throws his blouse at me without even saying "hi". Seriously, such a dick.

Then, at the end of the night, I told my friend to eat the rest of the cookies I had brought. He didn't want to, so we fought about it, and my husband walks up and takes the cookies and then leaves. SUCH AN ASS! lol.

so, the first time we hung out wasn't that great. But my friend thought we had chemistry, so he arranged a date night. we went to Buca di Beppo's, where I showed off my dickish side by yelling at him for putting the red-sauce spoon in the white sauce. It's a serious pet peeve of mine. Then we went to the gay bar.

I noticed he was hating it, so I, drunkenly and thinking with my groin, invited him out to his car to get away from the noise and talk. I just wanted to get with him, but we ended up talking to each other for 4 hours, waiting for our mutual friend to finish his fun and drive him home.

We talked about everything, and I fell for him. He wasn't truly a dick. He just put up a tough front because, well, DADT kept us from being who we truly were. We had to act.

Anyway, the next day he took me to Chipotle and we hit it off. Best day of my life.

We haven't had a wedding yet. We've just joined our bank accounts, and got powers of attorney for each other. We may as well be married. We do plan on having a ceremony sometime down the road, but we are inclined to wait for federal recognition.

It's very difficult. But we have skype. We have video games. We have date nights through World of Warcraft. lol. we also spend our leave visiting each other. So, we're keeping it together. We've lasted two years apart, and just have one more to go.

[deleted]

I could get mine done in 3 minutes. Pretty sure he was just reaching for excuses.

Mad respect for being a Marine. Us Army boys and girls think yall gotta be crazy for doing what you do, but mad respect for you guys too. Marines made our formations look llike a gagglefuck.

So my question for you is are you religious at all? And as for gay people in the military what do you think about transgender people being enlisted?

Your formations are a gagglefuck, Hooah. :P Just kidding. One team, one fight.

I used to be a devout Muslim, but I've become more atheist lately.

There are way too many questions to ask about the transgender issue, but, in my opinion, I do believe it will be addressed eventually.

Gay and Muslim Marine? A lot of rednecks are convulsing right now.

Used to vote democrat too, and I'm part native!

Ever think about getting into politics?

I have. Probably couldn't. I'd throw things at other candidates during the debates.

You got my vote devil!

I'll keep that in mine. Semper.

edit: meant to say "mind", but a comment below wouldn't make sense if I corrected it.

Were you "out" before DADT ended? If not, what was the transition like from that to where you could be openly gay?

What were the toughest challenges to over come during that time?

I can actually break it into periods. For the first 3 years, I wasn't "out" at all. I was anti-social, reclusive and hated hanging out with people. When I changed stations and picked up for rank, I began to be reckless and didn't care who'd find out. Between the stress of hiding, and meeting my husband, I felt rebellious and just wanted to live my life. When I pcs'd (permanent change of station) to Albuquerque, I again began to hide it, only because I knew the end of DADT was right around the corner, and wanted to not create turbulence in the mean time.

Becoming more open is a gradual process. I've only recently begun to hold my husband's hand in public, but still feel weird talking about him to people. There's still the 6-year-raised stigma that I could get in trouble. It's going away though. I belong to a very supportive command, and they see me and my husband more and more as family.

Toughest challenge had to be not bursting with excitement when my husband and I started dating. I wanted to tell everyone, like a giddy schoolgirl dating the football team captain, but couldn't. It was hell. I'm a very giddy, happy person.

Your husband must be lucky because you're the most adorable guy ever. Have an awesome life!

Oh, you. blush Thank you.

No question, just a heartfelt thank you for your service.

OK, I lied. A question just came to mind...

Being gay and knowing the climate you might encounter in the military when you joined, why did you decide to enlist?

I enlisted because I felt a higher calling for myself. My patriotism took a front seat, and my personal life fell behind.

Ok, so this question is going to make me sound bad, but it is something I have always wanted to ask a homosexual who was in your situation. Let me preface this by saying that I have nothing but the utmost respect for homosexuals, as long as they aren't bad people, just like I would with heterosexuals.

When it is shower time, and you are in a room full of naked, wet, soapy men, how do you not get an erection? I know for a fact that if I were in a room full of naked, wet, soapy women who were close to my agegroup and in decent shape I would not make it more than a minute or two without getting a raging hardon no matter what I tried. So seriously, what is the deal with that?

This is a legitimate question, I am not trolling in the least.

Ok, what if they were all your sisters?

Most difficult time in the Marines related to your sexual orientation?

Were things better before or after DADT ended?

Thanks for the AMAA.

Most difficult time was when I began to date my husband. I was very giddy about it and wanted to shout from the rooftops, but couldn't. It was hell. Now I can, and do often, brag about how great of a guy he is and how wonderful our marriage is.

Things for me are much better post repeal. I'm a much happier person, and much more motivated Marine.

How did you and your husband meet? And please take my most heartfelt Thank You for your service.

We met through a mutual friend who knew both of us were gay. The story is somewhere in this AMA.

Nothing to ask, I just have to say that as someone with gay relatives, gay friends, and who is attracted equally to both genders (I consider myself attracted to the person rather than their "equipment"), I am proud to have someone like you protecting our country and proud that you are able to be proud of who you are: a gay man and a Marine, both.

Thank you.

Has anything changed?

More comfort. More safety. More pride. Less fear. Less anxiety. Less resentment. Personally speaking.

What about end of the world? Or people trying to marry their goats? Has that happened yet?

Some of the spouses look like goats. OOOOOh, buuuuurn!

But really, everything's just the same as it was. For me, at least. really hoping another gay Marine will pipe in with their experience.

What's your opinion on transgendered folks in the military....namely a mtf...I'm struggling with the fact that i'm stuck in the military for a couple years

edit: clarification

There are too many questions, and too much I just don't understand to give a real opinion on the matter. I would recommend you put any transitioning to the side, though, if you'd like to join. If you start transition before you enlist, you can ruin your chances medically. And if you do it while you're in, you can be separated for medical reasons as well. So, if you want to do the military route, at this point I'd recommend you come in, do your four-or-twenty and then carry on after.

I'm currently in the army and i didn't realize that i am transgendered until after i joined. I'm struggling with my decision of joining. I feel like i regret it and i feel like it was a mistake. I feel like i have to hide the way i am and i hate myself every day.

I love the military though, i love my friends and my unit. I wish that i could come out with it one day. Much like you did.

for now I just sit there and wait.

edit: expanded my comment

Ok. Well, I would advise you talk to a therapist if you are having an anxieties. Just hang in there. Like I told someone else, get through the enlistment and the rest of your life is there waiting for you. Very much like high school. It will get better.

feel free to message me if you ever would like to talk.

The problem is that the military is the only place i ever felt like i belonged, and i don't want to leave. i love it.

I know that feeling. I hated that feeling. Your time will come around.

I forgot about the death of DADT! +1 for equal rights!

Me too until one of my Marines mentioned it. Then I thought, "hmm, perhaps I should let the outside world know what's going on."

I was in the Navy on subs and one of our cooks was openly gay (this was back in 04-05). He was kicked out of the military for "personal issues" shortly after we got back from a sea tour. They did a barracks check and walked in on him and his BF going at it. He was discharged shortly after that. He was a damn good sailor too, glad to see the environment is more accepting.

That's unfortunate.

Do you still participate in all the fake gay horseplay/joking that Marines substitute for showing each other actual affection?

I can't see other Marines turning that off just because there's an actual gay Marine around.

It's definitely lost its shock value, which is all it ever was for in the first place. But the tables are turned, and now we play "Let's make "your mom" jokes into "your dad" jokes." It's my turn to be shocking. lol.

balls of steel for doing this ama dude

Just a desire to educate and get rid of a a taboo. Six years in the closet was long enough.

Thank you.

It's already on the internet, so realistically it's too late, but you need to take down the picture of you with your ID card Sgt. It's against TITLE 18 U.S.C. § 701: U.S. Code – Section 701 to photograph your ID.

even if I cover the important part that can be copied?

What do you think would be the best way an officer could handle a situation where a marine is being singled out due to his sexuality?

Simply give the direct order that any harassment or assault will not be tolerated, and then carry on.

Albuquerque, NM

Yo Bryan I'm really happy for you, I'ma Let you finish, but I just started watching Breaking Bad and I was wondering if Albuquerque is really like that?

Short answer, yes, with an "if" Long answer, no, with a "but"

I was in the military so I know you get made fun of, how much do you get made fun of?

I only say this because the official military pass time is shit talking where you make fun of everyone for anything and something like being gay is definitely an easy target. So is that stache thing you have going on. Oh and the glasses.

It's an easy target, but like you said, it's just shit talking. I know when someone crosses the line from playing to attacking. Hasn't happened yet. And I can fire back just as hard as I receive.

And the mustache is gone. Never again.

And I can fire back just as hard as I receive.

Because you're gay.

I got him good right guys?

Guys..?

Took you long enough. :)

No questions, just stopping by to salute your heroism. Thank you sir

Thank you.

As a gay man. Your opinions of Freddie Mercury's level of attractiveness?

Does this opinion change with the addition or removal of a moustache?

^{As a straight man I would rate him an 11/10}

He is very attractive. But he needs the mustache.

Did you see the clip of the audience at a Republican primary debate boo a gay veteran? If so, what were your thoughts? For me, it was absolutely cringeworthy.

Totally. It infuriated me so badly. And what was worse was that none of the candidates said anything! Not even Ron Paul! WTF???

As an E-5, what is your take on the officer corps? Do you believe that route of commissioning makes the officer or that good officers are just good officers? I'm sure you've seen some Naval Academy Grads what is your opinion of them?

And officer is definitely made, not born. I've never had an officer I didn't respect, and I've had a few I consider to be father figures for me. The key to a good officer, is their trust in their NCOs. An officer who listens to his sergeant will always be successful.

One of the best officers I've worked with was an academy grad. She was intelligent, an inspiring leader and could out run a horse.

How are lesbian women treated in the Marines? Do gay and lesbian Marines band together to support each other?

The one lesbian Marine I know went through similar experiences. She would also get into just as much trouble as I would, after all. And we did band together. We had thanksgiving and other family events together. She and her wife and I and my husband.

Army boy here and different country. I've always been confused by so many peoples misguided view about the military in general. Especially on issues like this. I'm a straight guy so I guess I've never seen it from the other side.

Do you think there is any basis in fact the Military was/is homophobic? Also Do you feel that after the DADT people treated you differently after you were able to be more open about your sexuality?

In my opinion, the military has just always been a very machismo culture, and homosexuality, especially male homosexuality, challenges that machismo. So it's understandable that the boys' club doesn't want to accept "sissies" into the ranks. However, that feeling is quickly going away because gay Marines are constantly proving that we deserve to be Marines. We earned the title, and we share the burden. We are Marines.

The only difference I'm finding is the hesitancy of some to make jokes around me. Someone will tell a gay joke, and then immediately apologize to me. I have to let them know that I will say something if I get offended. They don't need to apologize. Just carry on.

What country are you serving?

Yeah I can see that. I mean its the same with women in defence to a degree. They used to have it pretty hard and while things are still not 100% they are improving. I've joined at a time where all these sorts of culture changes and things are now in some cases 2 decades old. So I've never seen the homophobia or the sexism occur. We just judge on the merits of the person. Like you said you've earned your place who gives a fuck about anything else?

Must admit when one of my friends came out(always suspected but didn't really care) I was also a little hesitant about making those jokes. But like you he just told me if he got offended he'd tell me.

I'm in the Australian army reserves at the moment but transferring full time soon. Just put in for reposting hopefully finding out next week.

Good luck to you, then. I recently received an invite to move to Australia and join your Marines. It's tempting.

...except, you know, the monsters that swarm your country.

edit: your you're

Air Force here. In my unit, pretty much nobody had to "come out" after DADT. We already knew and didn't give a fuck. Seems to be the general consensus in this branch at least.

Happy Birthday!!!!

As a former Marine (2003-2011), good on you. Also, I like your username, but of course, I have to ask which you are.

If I answer that, which one would I be?

Spring 07 or Fall 07? If it was fall I was in TQ in a motor t unit and I may have brought you pop tarts!

I was there Oct 06 to March 07. If you brought me poptarts out there, I must know who you are. You're a god.

:( that was the rotation before mine sorry I missed my chance! Semper Fi and all the best to you!

Thought that counts. Semper.

How do immigrants get to service in the army or the marines? I've read of this and is kind of confusing.

thanks for your service.

You have to be a resident, with a green card or a visa. Just go to your local recruiting station. They'll help you, if you are qualified.

Have you ever turned someone gay, messed up a mission because you were gay, or caused a nuclear holocaust because you are gay?

"Turned" someone gay, yes. But only because I was the first man he had ever been willing to do anything with, and after me, he had the courage to come out.

Messed up a mission, nope.

Nuclear holocaust...that's classified.