I am a wife of a pedophile who distributed child pornography. AMA.

At first I thought your husband was a pedophile who took pictures of children, and you distributed them.

Oh fuck no. Fuck that noise.

Woah, how old are you? I can't picture a female older than me saying that.

Mid 20's :)

Hi

Oh hi.

Teacher here! Interesting fact from the horrible meeting I attended two days ago: If I find inappropriate pictures on a child's phone, then take the phone and show the pictures to the principal, I can be arrested for distribution of child pornography. WTF, right? Protocol states I have to shut the phone off and notify the principal.

That's stupid, but I guess they can say YOU took it. Best to protect yourself, I think.

Is he in jail?

Did you have any idea?

Are you divorcing him?

Yes, he's awaiting trial.

None. He did these things while I was asleep or at work.

Absolutely.

Do you guys have kids?

So what happened, you were just at home doing whatever and the police burst in?

Sorry you're dealing wiht this, it's a bit like he died in way, I guess?

No thank god.

I was actually asleep. They entered my home (without a warrant) and woke me up. Guns in my face. I was so shaken it took me about 20 minutes to ask to see credentials.

Really it'd be easier if he died. People would understand why I was sad and upset. He left and never came home, ya know?

Shit that is terrifying. How long had you known him altogether? Do you think he has ever molested any children? (I know you said he was making plans to)

I'd known him 5+ years.

No charges were brought against him for molesting children, and he claims he never did..

You knew him 5+ years yet he is your husband for 6?

What black magic is this?

I'm trying to stay obscure. I don't want people finding me, as the internet tends to. 6 is more than 5, hence 5+, but the 6 was a slip :)

Okay. Was just wondering. Great IAmA btw. Sorry about what happened.

I've got one question though.

How did you cope when you found out?

Honestly? For a long time I've faked being ok.. until being ok felt normal. I'm not always ok, but most of the time I am. I have great friends and family that help me through too.

They searched his computers without a warrant? Elaborate please.

They didn't touch his computers until the warrant came through. They did enter before having the warrant, as they were before a judge. But they didn't touch anything untill the warrant was served. I gave them permission to start clearing my PC and phone early. I handed them electronics they didn't know about, and everything I could think of that he could have used.

Hmmm, I wonder how that'll fare legally. Sounds shaky.

It is. It's why I told his PD. I think they believed no one was home. I take sleeping pills to sleep, so I slept through the knocking.

OP has verified this thread with the moderators.

Thank you! Have another beer for me. ;)

;)

Damn. Just turned single and hitting the ground running?

I've always been flirty. It's not a bad trait.

Until you accidentally marry a pedophile unbeknownst to you.

i'mgoingtohellforthis.jpg

youandmeboth.png

Did you see it coming? And by it, I mean the child porn.

No. I had no idea. We were talking about children, and we were married 5+ years. When I think back on all of it, I can see the sneakiness that happened. Him being overprotective of his PC, not letting me use his phone.. Extra gas spent.

He didn't produce the porn, just distributed it. He was also trying to work out deals to have sex with children.

How does extra gas being spent hint to child porn staches? Sorry if I sound like a dick, I'm just curious.

The gas is more linked to the cheating.

Sorry, I think I'm extra confused. He was a pedophile, and he was cheating on you?

In for a penny, in for a pound, I guess.

You're understanding it correctly.

It is just another indicator that something was up, not necessarily towards the CP.

Exactly. He was acting outside his normal.

Afraid to click any links for fear of child porn

ME TOO

How has your family reacted to this? And his family?

His family was crushed. His father was pissed and angry, and his mother blames herself.

My family vehemently hates him.

"and his mother blames himself."

0_0

Shit! I was doing so well with the typing!

Still worried about it...did she molest him or something if she is blaming herself?

She feels like she should have known.. Should have been able to see it.

It's really common for pedophiles to have a personal history of molestation in their childhood. She may "know" (but be unwilling to admit) something.

Edit: I see below that you mentioned he was molested as a child, so that's not an unknown. Still, it's possible that she put him in the situation and didn't listen to warning signs (i.e. "Mommy I don't like that babysitter/school/priest/stepparent" "Don't be silly dear, s/he's a perfectly nice person, now go give him/her a hug").

It's true that moms often feel a greater sense of responsibility for what happens to their kids... but also true that they're often literally more "in charge" of the kids' activities.

We all know. I've confirmed he was molested several times.

Did your family have any negative opinion of him before this was discovered?

Yep. Hated him. They all did.

That's interesting. Did they bear any grudges against you for marrying him? How do they feel about you now?

They did hold a grudge. We are fine now. It's like it never happened, until we all have a few beers.

What does His side family think of you? As you known them for 6+ years, Do you still talk to them?

Sorry if this is stupid question, Just don't know what happens after something like this, After knowing those people for a long time.

I'm basically gone in most of their heads. Too worried about him I think.

Have they reached out to you at all?

Only for things they needed.

Any weird behaviors that may have given a hint?Did you have children?

Only looking back on it. Hindsight is 20/20. No children thank god.

Do elaborate on the weird behaviour that may have given a hint.

When I think back on all of it, I can see the sneakiness that happened. Him being overprotective of his PC, not letting me use his phone.. Extra gas spent.

I said that earlier, but to elaborate further.. We were a very open couple. We didn't hide things from each other. What was mine was his and visa versa. That all started to go away, I didn't think anything of it. He glossed over it well.

1. Do you think you could ever forgive your husband?

2. Do you think your husband could be "cured"?

3. Do you think he deserves to be "cured"?

4. What are you views of paedophillia generally? Do you consider it a disease? A compulsion? A crime one wilfully comits?

1. Forgive, probably. That's who I am. Allow him in my life again? No.

2. I don't think it's an illness persay. I think that with enough treatment he could know how to manage it. He's agreed to take chemical castration so that he doesn't have the urges.

3. Yes. He's a good man when you take all this away.

4. I think it's a compulsion, but one that should be controlled. If you're having it, seek help. Everyone knows it's illegal, so seeking it out is absolutely willingly committing the crime. I think people need to understand that they need help, medical help. It's not an urge that will go away. Something like 85% of sex offenders reoffend, but chemical castrations lower that reoffense rate.

Do you know how long he had been distributing it for?

How old is he now?

He said less than 2 months. The FBI wouldn't tell me. They did tell me he was soliciting people online for sexual acts.

Mid 20's (for the sake anonymity)

I'm very sorry that you've had to endure this. I'm labouring under the assumption that you were unaware. People rarely consider the repercussions that family/friends experience.

Did you have any suspicions? Do you have children? Are you particularly youthful looking? How was your sex life (please don't feel pressured to answer this but I ask since its an AMA.

Will you have to deal with any legal issues?

I'd also like to add that there are legal routes to protect you (ex. Changing your name; getting an accelerated divorce like the BTK Killer's wife). I hope that you are getting or seeking counseling. All my best to you and thank you for doing an AMA.

I didn't. Everything was normal and happy for me. I thought we had the best marriage. Some bumps along the way, but normal ones. I don't think I am, my friends say I am.. So take that as what you will. Our sex life was.. Meh. I'm into bdsm (you reddit people would find that anyways), and he appeased me.. but our sex was like.. once a week and my drive is much higher than that. A lot of the time he didn't have interest (should have been a red flag maybe?).

I asked if any charges would be brought against me, and they said no. They had to scan my electronics.. and if I had so much as a baby in a swimming pool I could have been looked at. But nothing so far, and I was cleared to leave the state.

I've looked into accelerated divorces, and my state doesn't offer them. It would be great if they even offered a cheaper route. They don't, which sucks because he made the bulk of our money so I had to move home, and start completely over.

Again, I'm sorry for your experience. As far as BDSM goes, there is nothing pathological or wrong about that. We all have our own tastes :).

Do you think he used that to attain a wife and image of normalcy? Meaning he figured you'd have difficulty finding a mate (in your mind) and you'd be more likely to gloss over certain aspects of him?

How do you feel about all of this?

My family does think I was a cover. I don't know. He says he loves me, and that he understands now more than ever how much he loves me. But with all the lies, I don't know that I can even start to believe it.

It depends on the day for how I feel. Some days I'm ok. It's been a couple of months, and I've dealt with all the crushing weight.. Other days I don't want to get out of bed and think about my life. I've lost everything I've built, and everything I was aiming for. It's all gone. It's a very sad state of mind.

Talking just the pornography, I think he's a piece of shit.

Was it only porn or did he actually act on his sexual desires with children? I hope I'm not monopolizing this. Pedophilia is a subject I'm very curious about as a former clinical psych student. How old are you both? And do you feel that possessing pornography prevented him from acting on urges? (if he in fact did not act on them)

You're not monopolizing at all.

He said he never acted on them. The FBI didn't bring up any charges for it, so I have to assume that it didn't happen.

We're both mid twenties.

I think the porn was a gateway, for him at least. I know he started at porn, and then had videos.. and at the end was arranging meetups. I believe if they hadn't had grabbed him when they did, he would have hurt someone. I would have forever held that guilt.. That I didn't find it and save a child. Even though I know logically it wasn't my fault.

You're still so young. The difference in positive changes from 20s to 30s for me were huge.

The areas of psychology I study the most are the more avoided ones such as pedophilia. When I discuss how, as a society, we should handle it, most people fight me because they believe we should eradicate them altogether. While I loathe what they do, I try to be impartial. There are certain things we all desire that the majority do not agree with. A good example is you preferring BDSM. It's not for me, but it is a preference that harms no one else. Pedophilia is usually the result of someone else having been molested so it's sort of taught. A young child's only exposure and understanding of sex involves an older person doing that to them. Much like a fetish (philia) for feet is tied to an early sexual experience involving feet. I know many pedos end up committing suicide because they know it's wrong but it's like a regular male giving up sex. You should read up on the subject extensively as it will, in my opinion, help you separate yourself and who you are from him and possibly gain some peace.

The FBI agent I worked with said that it's a cycle. He was molested for a long time as a child. He was passed out, to be honest. And so his first encounter was as a child by adults. So his preference as an adult for children is understandable. He knew it was wrong, and sick, and he regrets all of this. These are the only reasons I continued to speak to him after he was arrested. I knew his remorse. I know him so well, that I could hear it, see it. But his remorse doesn't mean that I have to maintain a relationship with him. I love him, who I knew of him, yes. I think I may always will. However, instead of asking for help when the urges came, he hid it and lied. For that reason, I'll never be in a relationship with him again.

I've been doing a lot of reading, and my biggest complaint is that it's very one sided. It's all "It's bad, make it go away". There is no actual understanding that a person is on the other side of that.

Also, there are no support groups for the family of pedophiles. I am the biggest victim of his at least, and I have to hide it. I can't talk openly about what happened. Most family members are the victim of hate crimes (probably my biggest worry with this AMA), and have no where to turn. So one day, my husband never came home, and no one helped me deal with it. I have to box each and every thing up when I moved. His family was so busy worrying about him, everyone forgot to worry about me. I'll be stronger for it, but that's something I want to one day change. This happens every day to families, and no one is there to help them.

Did his arrest make your local news? Did you have to deal with news agencies or reporters calling you to try to get interviews?

Yes it made news. No one contacted me to discuss it.

Do you enjoy this time alone to think or would you rather have people to call you and comfort you?

Alone.

wait, i'm sorry to interrupt the thread like this, but did you just use dft.ba dot com? nice to see fellow nerd fighters here. french the llama!

French the llama indeed! DFTBA friend :) (We have a subreddit you know! /r/nerdfighters !)

fuck yeah nerdfighters!

:D

They weren't consensual. It was parents bringing their kids. Early teens, as far as I know.

Is this a thing, parents selling (?) their kids to molesters?!

Yes. I know it was done to him.

Your inlaws sold your husband to be molested?

Not his parents, no.

can you elaborate a little more? you made it sound like his parents sold him off to molesters in that previous comment, but now you are saying they didn't. what happened to him exactly? did you know he had been abused as a child before he was arrested?

A family member passed him out to friends.

Yes I did.

What the fuck? I'm not exactly well read in the things-pedophiles-do category, but that is super shocking.

I am having a hard time believing that a parent could do such a thing, much less an entire group.

Yes, yes I know that parents get convicted all the time, it's still shocking.

The FBI agent told me she arrested a man who's wife was 9 months pregnant. She actually called the paramedics in case the stress forced her into labor.

What the fuck? Do you know if the parents knew what would have gone down?

Also, you mentioned that his parents were angry/blaming selves, which implies that it was someone else that molested him. Do you know his story/care to elaborate?

They did, they made the meetups.

It's personal, and I believe his family could figure out who I was and would be angry.. so I won't share it.

What's your favorite restaurant?

I love mom and pop Mexican places. Where they still make Menudo, and serve you lettuce on your enchiladas.

Do you know if he had any experience in his childhood that may affected his decisions in adulthood? Do you believe that pedophilia is a mental disorder or a choice?

He was molested as a child. I think it's both. You can have the urges and not act on them.

My daughter counsels offenders. You have to be trained to contain your urges, and to focus on appropriate urges. It takes a lot of effort to change the desires that are imprinted by our original sexual experiences.

It's good to know that they can be trained to do it.

[deleted]

No. I wouldn't. He did something very wrong, and very illegal. I think if they were to let him out right now, he'd do it again. If he's to get help, he needs to stay inside.

I'm happy for you that this came to light before you had children of your own.

1. Did he ever mention fantasies that in retrospect sound indicative of his...tendencies?
2. How long did you know him before you got married?

1. No, or else it would have thrown a red flag for me. I have worked with children in the past and have a big heart for them. So a daddy/daughter extreme play would have made me raise an eyebrow.
2. About a year and a half I'd say.

As someone who was molested, I hope he gets what's coming to him. I'm sorry YOU had to go through all of that.

What was your reaction when you found out?

How did you find out/who "told" or "discovered" the porn?

How do you feel about him now?

Do you still support him?

Edit: Some of my questions were answered already.

The FBI came in my door. That's how I found out. I woke up to 4 guns in my face, and was patted down for weapons. I didn't find them.. if I had, I'd have turned him in.

I love him.. but not this version of him. I love who i knew of him. This pedophile? Well I hate that guy. No I don't support him.

What is your future with him? Divorce or counseling?

I'm divorcing him. Over the course of 4 months he cheated on me several times, and start this whole child porn thing. I can't trust him at all. I don't think I ever will. Last week I told him that I wanted to cut communication.

Cheated on you with an adult? If he's not attracted to adults and used you as a cover, why did he do that, do you think?

He told me he wanted to be used, like his molester made him feel.

That... is unbelievably heartbreaking. His psyche is really broken.

As someone who is divorced because the man I loved became someone I didn't know capable of doing things I never imagined (though nowhere near the severity of yours) I can commiserate. The hardest part is wondering where that good man with whom you fell in love went, how he disappeared from existence.

No question. Just lots of love and support.

Thank you.

How have your family and friends reacted to this?

My family has been fantastic. I mean, I can't talk about him to them because they go off on a tirade on what a piece of shit he is. Yet, in every way a family can help one of their own down on their luck, they have. They just don't understand my emotional aspects.

My friends are hit and miss. Some people have stopped talking to me, and some people have rallied around me. The people I lost, well good ridden.

Why would your friends stop talking to you because your husband turned out to be a pedophile? o.O

A lot of people blame the family.

First off I'd like you to know you are not alone. It is such a horrible horrible thing that was going on but hey in a good light at least you never had children with this man! I would really like to ask you, how long was the marriage/dating, did you ever question some of the things he did? Or even think maybe he was cheating rather than doing something like that? I'm sorry its such a sensitive topic and I hope I have not come off as offensive in any way I am just curious :)

I really did this AMA so that other people would know that they aren't alone too. So thank you. We knew each other around 8ish years (which is more than 5 for people paying attention to other posts!), and no. Not really. He wasn't affectionate, but I thought that was normal. I knew he had demons from being molested. He cheated while I was at work, and I knew nothing. He was home when he should have been, and I didn't track the miles on his car, or anything like that. I was clueless.

It's sensitive, yes.. But if I wasn't alright talking about it, I wouldn't be here.

how old were these children he was exploiting? do you still have feelings towards him now that you know?

Apparently CP offenders have an "age" that they tend towards. His was 8 or 9. The meetups were for early teens.

I love who I knew, not who he is. If that makes sense.

Do your friends know about the arrest? Did they have any suspicions at all about what he was doing?

They do now. I had to inform everyone. That was basically torture. Every once and a while, I still find a friend I haven't told. (There is one that I am intentionally not telling, too.)

No one knew anything. He hid it incredibly well from everyone.. except the FBI.

How long ago did he get caught?

We're within 6 months of his arrest.