My husband of 6 years was arrested for distribution of child pornography. I thought maybe someone out there was going through it too, or you guys were curious. So AMA :)

Edit: Proof submitted to mods.

2nd edit: Verified

Last edit: I've answered as many as I can, I'm just not fast enough to keep up with the internets anymore, and I needta sleep. Thanks Reddit.

REALLY LAST EDIT: I have done all I can, I can do no more. Any posts made after 7 hours of this post being live will not be answered. If you have a personal story you need to discuss, message me. I'll get there eventually. Thanks Reddit. Have a great day.

Comments: 4328 • Responses: 60  • Date: 

meninist1194 karma

At first I thought your husband was a pedophile who took pictures of children, and you distributed them.

Tesia1676 karma

Oh fuck no. Fuck that noise.

Hotwir3720 karma

Woah, how old are you? I can't picture a female older than me saying that.

Tesia1110 karma

Mid 20's :)

Japanistan1053 karma


Tesia884 karma

Oh hi.

PinkNoodles989 karma

Teacher here! Interesting fact from the horrible meeting I attended two days ago: If I find inappropriate pictures on a child's phone, then take the phone and show the pictures to the principal, I can be arrested for distribution of child pornography. WTF, right? Protocol states I have to shut the phone off and notify the principal.

Tesia699 karma

That's stupid, but I guess they can say YOU took it. Best to protect yourself, I think.

catcatherine977 karma

Is he in jail?

Did you have any idea?

Are you divorcing him?

Tesia1396 karma

Yes, he's awaiting trial.

None. He did these things while I was asleep or at work.


catcatherine714 karma

Do you guys have kids?

So what happened, you were just at home doing whatever and the police burst in?

Sorry you're dealing wiht this, it's a bit like he died in way, I guess?

Tesia1137 karma

No thank god.

I was actually asleep. They entered my home (without a warrant) and woke me up. Guns in my face. I was so shaken it took me about 20 minutes to ask to see credentials.

Really it'd be easier if he died. People would understand why I was sad and upset. He left and never came home, ya know?

catcatherine550 karma

Shit that is terrifying. How long had you known him altogether? Do you think he has ever molested any children? (I know you said he was making plans to)

Tesia714 karma

I'd known him 5+ years.

No charges were brought against him for molesting children, and he claims he never did..

thritr3483 karma

You knew him 5+ years yet he is your husband for 6?

What black magic is this?

Tesia709 karma

I'm trying to stay obscure. I don't want people finding me, as the internet tends to. 6 is more than 5, hence 5+, but the 6 was a slip :)

thritr3353 karma

Okay. Was just wondering. Great IAmA btw. Sorry about what happened.

I've got one question though.

How did you cope when you found out?

Tesia580 karma

Honestly? For a long time I've faked being ok.. until being ok felt normal. I'm not always ok, but most of the time I am. I have great friends and family that help me through too.

zombiesingularity304 karma

They searched his computers without a warrant? Elaborate please.

Tesia590 karma

They didn't touch his computers until the warrant came through. They did enter before having the warrant, as they were before a judge. But they didn't touch anything untill the warrant was served. I gave them permission to start clearing my PC and phone early. I handed them electronics they didn't know about, and everything I could think of that he could have used.

zombiesingularity349 karma

Hmmm, I wonder how that'll fare legally. Sounds shaky.

Tesia497 karma

It is. It's why I told his PD. I think they believed no one was home. I take sleeping pills to sleep, so I slept through the knocking.

Drunken_Economist876 karma

OP has verified this thread with the moderators.

Tesia647 karma

Thank you! Have another beer for me. ;)

Roastmasters548 karma


Damn. Just turned single and hitting the ground running?

Tesia643 karma

I've always been flirty. It's not a bad trait.

Nefarious_Lobster1309 karma

Until you accidentally marry a pedophile unbeknownst to you.


Tesia1070 karma


KenByRequestOnly760 karma

Did you see it coming? And by it, I mean the child porn.

Tesia971 karma

No. I had no idea. We were talking about children, and we were married 5+ years. When I think back on all of it, I can see the sneakiness that happened. Him being overprotective of his PC, not letting me use his phone.. Extra gas spent.

He didn't produce the porn, just distributed it. He was also trying to work out deals to have sex with children.

Gmm022532 karma

How does extra gas being spent hint to child porn staches? Sorry if I sound like a dick, I'm just curious.

Tesia787 karma

The gas is more linked to the cheating.

Eat_a_Bullet713 karma

Sorry, I think I'm extra confused. He was a pedophile, and he was cheating on you?

In for a penny, in for a pound, I guess.

Tesia684 karma

You're understanding it correctly.

Robbie7up407 karma

It is just another indicator that something was up, not necessarily towards the CP.

Tesia481 karma

Exactly. He was acting outside his normal.

Boobwatcher673 karma

Afraid to click any links for fear of child porn

Tesia777 karma


DeeJayLiz497 karma

How has your family reacted to this? And his family?

Tesia821 karma

His family was crushed. His father was pissed and angry, and his mother blames herself.

My family vehemently hates him.

Arswaw489 karma

"and his mother blames himself."


Tesia703 karma

Shit! I was doing so well with the typing!

guy_fleegman115 karma

Still worried about it...did she molest him or something if she is blaming herself?

Tesia227 karma

She feels like she should have known.. Should have been able to see it.

Pixelated_Penguin85 karma

It's really common for pedophiles to have a personal history of molestation in their childhood. She may "know" (but be unwilling to admit) something.

Edit: I see below that you mentioned he was molested as a child, so that's not an unknown. Still, it's possible that she put him in the situation and didn't listen to warning signs (i.e. "Mommy I don't like that babysitter/school/priest/stepparent" "Don't be silly dear, s/he's a perfectly nice person, now go give him/her a hug").

It's true that moms often feel a greater sense of responsibility for what happens to their kids... but also true that they're often literally more "in charge" of the kids' activities.

Tesia129 karma

We all know. I've confirmed he was molested several times.

jvanlente324 karma

Did your family have any negative opinion of him before this was discovered?

Tesia570 karma

Yep. Hated him. They all did.

DanOkami202 karma

That's interesting. Did they bear any grudges against you for marrying him? How do they feel about you now?

Tesia396 karma

They did hold a grudge. We are fine now. It's like it never happened, until we all have a few beers.

Kennyist244 karma

What does His side family think of you? As you known them for 6+ years, Do you still talk to them?

Sorry if this is stupid question, Just don't know what happens after something like this, After knowing those people for a long time.

Tesia375 karma

I'm basically gone in most of their heads. Too worried about him I think.

weregonnamisshim207 karma

Have they reached out to you at all?

Tesia334 karma

Only for things they needed.

random5guy452 karma

Any weird behaviors that may have given a hint?Did you have children?

Tesia654 karma

Only looking back on it. Hindsight is 20/20. No children thank god.

indiefangs299 karma

Do elaborate on the weird behaviour that may have given a hint.

Tesia526 karma

When I think back on all of it, I can see the sneakiness that happened. Him being overprotective of his PC, not letting me use his phone.. Extra gas spent.

I said that earlier, but to elaborate further.. We were a very open couple. We didn't hide things from each other. What was mine was his and visa versa. That all started to go away, I didn't think anything of it. He glossed over it well.

m_s_m388 karma

  1. Do you think you could ever forgive your husband?

  2. Do you think your husband could be "cured"?

  3. Do you think he deserves to be "cured"?

  4. What are you views of paedophillia generally? Do you consider it a disease? A compulsion? A crime one wilfully comits?

Tesia718 karma

  1. Forgive, probably. That's who I am. Allow him in my life again? No.

  2. I don't think it's an illness persay. I think that with enough treatment he could know how to manage it. He's agreed to take chemical castration so that he doesn't have the urges.

  3. Yes. He's a good man when you take all this away.

  4. I think it's a compulsion, but one that should be controlled. If you're having it, seek help. Everyone knows it's illegal, so seeking it out is absolutely willingly committing the crime. I think people need to understand that they need help, medical help. It's not an urge that will go away. Something like 85% of sex offenders reoffend, but chemical castrations lower that reoffense rate.

Rebins310 karma

Do you know how long he had been distributing it for?

How old is he now?

Tesia386 karma

He said less than 2 months. The FBI wouldn't tell me. They did tell me he was soliciting people online for sexual acts.

Mid 20's (for the sake anonymity)

bodhi30256 karma

I'm very sorry that you've had to endure this. I'm labouring under the assumption that you were unaware. People rarely consider the repercussions that family/friends experience.

Did you have any suspicions? Do you have children? Are you particularly youthful looking? How was your sex life (please don't feel pressured to answer this but I ask since its an AMA.

Will you have to deal with any legal issues?

I'd also like to add that there are legal routes to protect you (ex. Changing your name; getting an accelerated divorce like the BTK Killer's wife). I hope that you are getting or seeking counseling. All my best to you and thank you for doing an AMA.

Tesia382 karma

I didn't. Everything was normal and happy for me. I thought we had the best marriage. Some bumps along the way, but normal ones. I don't think I am, my friends say I am.. So take that as what you will. Our sex life was.. Meh. I'm into bdsm (you reddit people would find that anyways), and he appeased me.. but our sex was like.. once a week and my drive is much higher than that. A lot of the time he didn't have interest (should have been a red flag maybe?).

I asked if any charges would be brought against me, and they said no. They had to scan my electronics.. and if I had so much as a baby in a swimming pool I could have been looked at. But nothing so far, and I was cleared to leave the state.

I've looked into accelerated divorces, and my state doesn't offer them. It would be great if they even offered a cheaper route. They don't, which sucks because he made the bulk of our money so I had to move home, and start completely over.

bodhi30185 karma

Again, I'm sorry for your experience. As far as BDSM goes, there is nothing pathological or wrong about that. We all have our own tastes :).

Do you think he used that to attain a wife and image of normalcy? Meaning he figured you'd have difficulty finding a mate (in your mind) and you'd be more likely to gloss over certain aspects of him?

How do you feel about all of this?

Tesia294 karma

My family does think I was a cover. I don't know. He says he loves me, and that he understands now more than ever how much he loves me. But with all the lies, I don't know that I can even start to believe it.

It depends on the day for how I feel. Some days I'm ok. It's been a couple of months, and I've dealt with all the crushing weight.. Other days I don't want to get out of bed and think about my life. I've lost everything I've built, and everything I was aiming for. It's all gone. It's a very sad state of mind.

Talking just the pornography, I think he's a piece of shit.

bodhi30131 karma

Was it only porn or did he actually act on his sexual desires with children? I hope I'm not monopolizing this. Pedophilia is a subject I'm very curious about as a former clinical psych student. How old are you both? And do you feel that possessing pornography prevented him from acting on urges? (if he in fact did not act on them)

Tesia232 karma

You're not monopolizing at all.

He said he never acted on them. The FBI didn't bring up any charges for it, so I have to assume that it didn't happen.

We're both mid twenties.

I think the porn was a gateway, for him at least. I know he started at porn, and then had videos.. and at the end was arranging meetups. I believe if they hadn't had grabbed him when they did, he would have hurt someone. I would have forever held that guilt.. That I didn't find it and save a child. Even though I know logically it wasn't my fault.

bodhi30165 karma

You're still so young. The difference in positive changes from 20s to 30s for me were huge.

The areas of psychology I study the most are the more avoided ones such as pedophilia. When I discuss how, as a society, we should handle it, most people fight me because they believe we should eradicate them altogether. While I loathe what they do, I try to be impartial. There are certain things we all desire that the majority do not agree with. A good example is you preferring BDSM. It's not for me, but it is a preference that harms no one else. Pedophilia is usually the result of someone else having been molested so it's sort of taught. A young child's only exposure and understanding of sex involves an older person doing that to them. Much like a fetish (philia) for feet is tied to an early sexual experience involving feet. I know many pedos end up committing suicide because they know it's wrong but it's like a regular male giving up sex. You should read up on the subject extensively as it will, in my opinion, help you separate yourself and who you are from him and possibly gain some peace.

Tesia437 karma

The FBI agent I worked with said that it's a cycle. He was molested for a long time as a child. He was passed out, to be honest. And so his first encounter was as a child by adults. So his preference as an adult for children is understandable. He knew it was wrong, and sick, and he regrets all of this. These are the only reasons I continued to speak to him after he was arrested. I knew his remorse. I know him so well, that I could hear it, see it. But his remorse doesn't mean that I have to maintain a relationship with him. I love him, who I knew of him, yes. I think I may always will. However, instead of asking for help when the urges came, he hid it and lied. For that reason, I'll never be in a relationship with him again.

I've been doing a lot of reading, and my biggest complaint is that it's very one sided. It's all "It's bad, make it go away". There is no actual understanding that a person is on the other side of that.

Also, there are no support groups for the family of pedophiles. I am the biggest victim of his at least, and I have to hide it. I can't talk openly about what happened. Most family members are the victim of hate crimes (probably my biggest worry with this AMA), and have no where to turn. So one day, my husband never came home, and no one helped me deal with it. I have to box each and every thing up when I moved. His family was so busy worrying about him, everyone forgot to worry about me. I'll be stronger for it, but that's something I want to one day change. This happens every day to families, and no one is there to help them.

MzScarlet03233 karma

Did his arrest make your local news? Did you have to deal with news agencies or reporters calling you to try to get interviews?

Tesia315 karma

Yes it made news. No one contacted me to discuss it.

Sandi31530 karma

Do you enjoy this time alone to think or would you rather have people to call you and comfort you?

Tesia55 karma


Ronald_McFondlled212 karma

wait, i'm sorry to interrupt the thread like this, but did you just use dot com? nice to see fellow nerd fighters here. french the llama!

Tesia235 karma

French the llama indeed! DFTBA friend :) (We have a subreddit you know! /r/nerdfighters !)

[deleted]72 karma

fuck yeah nerdfighters!

Tesia48 karma


BrownieBawse202 karma


Tesia333 karma

They weren't consensual. It was parents bringing their kids. Early teens, as far as I know.

nongoloza314 karma

Is this a thing, parents selling (?) their kids to molesters?!

Tesia392 karma

Yes. I know it was done to him.

Jen_Snow118 karma

Your inlaws sold your husband to be molested?

Tesia203 karma

Not his parents, no.

otterhugs85 karma

can you elaborate a little more? you made it sound like his parents sold him off to molesters in that previous comment, but now you are saying they didn't. what happened to him exactly? did you know he had been abused as a child before he was arrested?

Tesia178 karma

A family member passed him out to friends.

Yes I did.

Xephyron109 karma

What the fuck? I'm not exactly well read in the things-pedophiles-do category, but that is super shocking.

I am having a hard time believing that a parent could do such a thing, much less an entire group.

Yes, yes I know that parents get convicted all the time, it's still shocking.

Tesia118 karma

The FBI agent told me she arrested a man who's wife was 9 months pregnant. She actually called the paramedics in case the stress forced her into labor.

isleepyx336 karma

What the fuck? Do you know if the parents knew what would have gone down?

Also, you mentioned that his parents were angry/blaming selves, which implies that it was someone else that molested him. Do you know his story/care to elaborate?

Tesia51 karma

They did, they made the meetups.

It's personal, and I believe his family could figure out who I was and would be angry.. so I won't share it.

I_smell_awesome194 karma

What's your favorite restaurant?

Tesia365 karma

I love mom and pop Mexican places. Where they still make Menudo, and serve you lettuce on your enchiladas.

AwesomeAsian135 karma

Do you know if he had any experience in his childhood that may affected his decisions in adulthood? Do you believe that pedophilia is a mental disorder or a choice?

Tesia269 karma

He was molested as a child. I think it's both. You can have the urges and not act on them.

NightOfTheHunter125 karma

My daughter counsels offenders. You have to be trained to contain your urges, and to focus on appropriate urges. It takes a lot of effort to change the desires that are imprinted by our original sexual experiences.

Tesia105 karma

It's good to know that they can be trained to do it.

JarSquatter247110 karma


Tesia235 karma

No. I wouldn't. He did something very wrong, and very illegal. I think if they were to let him out right now, he'd do it again. If he's to get help, he needs to stay inside.

indiefangs102 karma

I'm happy for you that this came to light before you had children of your own.

  1. Did he ever mention fantasies that in retrospect sound indicative of his...tendencies?
  2. How long did you know him before you got married?

Tesia120 karma

  1. No, or else it would have thrown a red flag for me. I have worked with children in the past and have a big heart for them. So a daddy/daughter extreme play would have made me raise an eyebrow.
  2. About a year and a half I'd say.

emmapkmn100 karma

As someone who was molested, I hope he gets what's coming to him. I'm sorry YOU had to go through all of that.

What was your reaction when you found out?

How did you find out/who "told" or "discovered" the porn?

How do you feel about him now?

Do you still support him?

Edit: Some of my questions were answered already.

Tesia145 karma

The FBI came in my door. That's how I found out. I woke up to 4 guns in my face, and was patted down for weapons. I didn't find them.. if I had, I'd have turned him in.

I love him.. but not this version of him. I love who i knew of him. This pedophile? Well I hate that guy. No I don't support him.

Factions76 karma

What is your future with him? Divorce or counseling?

Tesia202 karma

I'm divorcing him. Over the course of 4 months he cheated on me several times, and start this whole child porn thing. I can't trust him at all. I don't think I ever will. Last week I told him that I wanted to cut communication.

ShesGotSauce95 karma

Cheated on you with an adult? If he's not attracted to adults and used you as a cover, why did he do that, do you think?

Tesia233 karma

He told me he wanted to be used, like his molester made him feel.

motorcityvicki376 karma

That... is unbelievably heartbreaking. His psyche is really broken.

As someone who is divorced because the man I loved became someone I didn't know capable of doing things I never imagined (though nowhere near the severity of yours) I can commiserate. The hardest part is wondering where that good man with whom you fell in love went, how he disappeared from existence.

No question. Just lots of love and support.

Tesia118 karma

Thank you.

Rebins72 karma

How have your family and friends reacted to this?

Tesia188 karma

My family has been fantastic. I mean, I can't talk about him to them because they go off on a tirade on what a piece of shit he is. Yet, in every way a family can help one of their own down on their luck, they have. They just don't understand my emotional aspects.

My friends are hit and miss. Some people have stopped talking to me, and some people have rallied around me. The people I lost, well good ridden.

grenadia113 karma

Why would your friends stop talking to you because your husband turned out to be a pedophile? o.O

Tesia185 karma

A lot of people blame the family.

netherwarper57 karma

First off I'd like you to know you are not alone. It is such a horrible horrible thing that was going on but hey in a good light at least you never had children with this man! I would really like to ask you, how long was the marriage/dating, did you ever question some of the things he did? Or even think maybe he was cheating rather than doing something like that? I'm sorry its such a sensitive topic and I hope I have not come off as offensive in any way I am just curious :)

Tesia111 karma

I really did this AMA so that other people would know that they aren't alone too. So thank you. We knew each other around 8ish years (which is more than 5 for people paying attention to other posts!), and no. Not really. He wasn't affectionate, but I thought that was normal. I knew he had demons from being molested. He cheated while I was at work, and I knew nothing. He was home when he should have been, and I didn't track the miles on his car, or anything like that. I was clueless.

It's sensitive, yes.. But if I wasn't alright talking about it, I wouldn't be here.

maddampussyfarts40 karma

how old were these children he was exploiting? do you still have feelings towards him now that you know?

Tesia120 karma

Apparently CP offenders have an "age" that they tend towards. His was 8 or 9. The meetups were for early teens.

I love who I knew, not who he is. If that makes sense.

Arswaw37 karma

Do your friends know about the arrest? Did they have any suspicions at all about what he was doing?

Tesia97 karma

They do now. I had to inform everyone. That was basically torture. Every once and a while, I still find a friend I haven't told. (There is one that I am intentionally not telling, too.)

No one knew anything. He hid it incredibly well from everyone.. except the FBI.

JayTbo30 karma

How long ago did he get caught?

Tesia61 karma

We're within 6 months of his arrest.