I Am Michael Ian Black, Sexy Bitch

I have a picture of you sleeping on the floor of the New Orleans airport after Mardi Gras this year.... http://imgur.com/nKTz3

Edit: Also, big fan for like 7 or 8 years now

Edit again: yeah if you can tell i don't post so often...thanks for the help, now i'm less likely to be stalked. And my boyfriend wants you all to know he took the picture. I say his fault sleeping until noon.

This is indeed a picture of me sleeping. Not pictured: I was dreaming of these. http://bit.ly/MhKhp6

I just wanted to thank you for getting me laid once. Some drunk girl said I looked like you. Thanks. By the way, I look nothing like you sir.

Cool. Can I smell your fingers?

MIB, I'd just like to say that your father's day story on This American Life was one of the most moving stories I've ever experienced and resulted in me calling my dad sobbing at 6 in the morning. How difficult was it to perform this story and how were you approached by TAL?

Thank you. I really appreciate that. It was kind of tough to perform because I'd never read that out loud before. I kind of knew Ira through a mutual friend, Mike Birbiglia, and he asked to read an early draft of my book, which I showed him. From that he asked me to do the piece for TAL.

I haven't listened to it all that much recently, but have you ever been a panel member on Wait Wait...? You should be.

This is the greatest bit of brain lightning I've experienced all day. You'd fit in awesome on the panel. I'd love to see the interaction between you and Paula Poundstone. I would vote for this

I would just say something filthy and get disinvited. Then I'd feel bad. Then I'd cry. It always ends in tears with me.

I'm in the hospital at the moment on public internet, and link to americayousexybitch.com is blocked for "pornography".

Is this true, and if it is, how urgently should I get this book?

Depends how sick you are. If you're really sick, you should get it pretty urgently.

This is my cat Michael Ian Cat http://i.imgur.com/EPHyY.jpg

That's a pretty good cat.

if you're in nyc, can we hang out tonight? i have no plans but dont want to stay in. just throwing that out there...

Absolutely. Meet me on the corner of 46th and 10th ave. tonight around nine. If I'm not there, it just means I'm running a little late.

How much for just a pee-pee touch?

I'll let you touch it for $35.00

Why did they cancel Michael & Michael have issues?

The traditional reason: not enough people were watching for their tastes. But fuck them.

My friend and I find you insanely attractive. Good on ya Michael.

Thanks. I'm okay at boning.

Why do all of your shows keeping failing when you're so hilarious? You're doing it wrong.

You know what? I think maybe I care TOO much? Does that make sense? I think maybe I'm TOO sensitive?

Can you tell the difference between Butter and I can't believe it's not Butter?

If I can't believe it's not butter, then obviously I believe it to be butter, therefore it would be impossible for me to tell the difference. If I could tell the difference, I would know one of them to be butter and the other to not be butter.

How much of Mike and Tom Eat Snacks is scripted? You and Tom seem to go on such wildly coordinated tangents that are equal parts hilarious and bizarre. Anyway, big fan of all your work and just finished your book about two weeks ago.

Scripted: zero. We just turn on the little recording machine and start talking. So glad you like it, Matey.

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I wasn't unhappy. If you look at the picture, you will clearly see that I was taking a shit.

Did "the State" ever hear back from Chelsea Clinton when you tried to contact her?

We ran a train on her. It was okay.

I've long followed your work. I also follow politics. Now that gap is being bridged and it's freaking me out. How closely do you follow politics, what did you learn in writing the book and what does America need at this point?

I follow politics pretty closely for a civilian. I learned a lot while writing "America, You Sexy Bitch." Mostly that our system is fucked. The problem, as I (and many, many others) see it, is that the bedrock of our system, representative democracy, has become so corrupted with money that we are slipping from being a democratic nation into being a corporatized nation. Corporations do a lot of things well, but not run nations, for obvious reasons. The first thing we need to do, above all else, is somehow disentangle money from our political process, at least to the extent that a few loud voices are drowning millions of softer voices. How do we do this? I don't know. But Citizens United and the like aren't helping.

between movies, TV, books and podcasts, what medium do you enjoy working on the most?

I'm least known for this, but probably my radical feminist poetry.

Do you and Bradley Cooper still hook up? Or was that just a beautiful, one time thing?

His lawyers have asked me not to talk about this topic.

Did you get excited when Meghan said she was strictly dickly?

Emailed her immediately to tell her how much I loved that.

How was working on "Tom Goes to The Mayor" with Tim and Eric? Are they as ridiculous in real life as they appear to be in their work?

They're pretty normal, down-to-earth guys. That's the misconception about comedians: that they're bizarre human beings. They're not. Most of us are pretty quiet and low key.

I have a question for you..... Why do Comedians like yourself give quality jokes away for free on twitter?

Because, like oil, there is an endless supply.

How is your poison ivy doing? How'd you get it? Don't pick your nose or scratch your balls or try to get any ear wax out because I feel like those would be the three shittiest places to have poison ivy.

Thank you for asking about my poison ivy. My fingers have now stopped oozing pus and are now just kind of crusted over, which makes them less itchy. That's the good news. The bad news is I have it on my neck. The other bad news is all the massacres in Syria.

Do you have a feud with Daniel Tosh? I remember one time he made fun of you on his show for having a bunch of cancelled shows.

No. I don't know him. I think he was just making a joke at my expense. I didn't get offended or anything, though, because it was true. I do have a lot of cancelled shows under my belt. The belt I have to keep tightening because I cannot afford to feed myself or my family.

Michael Ian Black, you and 'the ole guys' with your shenanigans and hilarity from Stella made my sense of humor more acceptable in public and amongst friends. You are great and awesome for the NY comedy scene!

My question, is there ever any hope of Stella returning? For anything?

Thank you. I'm sure Stella will reunite at some point to tour. We all like doing it, so when we all have some time, I'm sure we'll get together and hit the road.

Thanks for doing this, you doing Capt. Monterey Jack is one of my favorite sketches of all time! Before The State, what things did you do to get actively involved in comedy? Any advice for someone interested in comedy writing and performance?

I have only one piece of advice, which mimics Nike's advertising slogan: just do it. If you want to make comedy, make comedy. Nobody is stopping you. If you want to write, write. If you want to perform, perform. There are innumerable outlets for comedians, so quit being a little bitch and do it.

i love you in the league, taco is so hilarious.

Thanks. "The League" is my best work.

Dear Michael, I am a boy. I think I am in love with a girl. What should I do? I've already asked her out. We will be going out tonight. How do I M.I.B the shit out of her tonight and see if she feels the same about me. Thank.

As you hold the door for her, wait until she is passing in front of you, then whisper the word "Anal?" to her. Frame it as a question. Her response will tell you what to do next.

How did your roadtrip/book project with Meghan McCain come about? Is she as down-to-earth and not-as-nuts-as-her-last-name-implies as she comes across on Twitter? Also, since you were part of MTV in the 90's, what's your take on the shitshow it has become now?

One night, I was on Ambien and got on Twitter. Saw that she was on too, and asked her if she wanted to write a book together. (We'd only met, one time, over satellite.) So we didn't know each other before we agreed to write "America, You Sexy Bitch." We just decided to do it on a whim and hit the road together for a month. And yes, she is both as down-to-earth and crazy as you would think.

If you could go back and do one thing over again what would it be?

I would probably take a little bit more time to answer this question.

If you were asked to contribute a guest verse for any rapper who would it be and what would the first line be?

I would go with Vanilla Ice:

Yo, Ice, let's sing this. I'm gonna melt with you, Like Modern English.

I'M OVULATING. come over. do me the honor of having sexy children.

Thanks, but I already have two VERY sexy children.

Did you really change your last name from Schwartz to Black?

Totally.

Burning Love is amazing! You're my favorite person on that show. I can't wait for more episodes to be posted. Keep up the good work :)

"Burning Love" is a new web series created by Ken Marino and Erica Oyama. It's on Yahoo and, I have to say, hilarious. I had nothing to do with it other than show up and say the words they gave me. Glad you enjoy it.

I think we all know who you are, but what are you about?

WHO I am is a comedian. WHAT I AM ABOUT is respect for women.

I just want to say that you were awesome when you eviscerated that audience member who called Obama "Hitler". Did you know that moment went viral?

Yeah. I didn't feel good about that. Was not pleased with my own reaction to him. I was immature and let my emotions get the better of me. Even so, I was pretty awesome.

Oh shit, this may be the only time my username has ever been relevant!

Speaking of my username, I was playing Modern Warfare on Xbox Live recently and some kid kept calling me johnnyqueerfags. I didn't have a comeback. Any advice for the next time someone calls me that?

I would say this is probably going to be the only time your user name is relevant, yes.

As far as comebacks go, I would have said, "No YOU are."

When hanging out with your friends, what do you guys normally do?

This is going to sound weird, but we usually talk about you.

what's the most you've won in a game of poker?

I won $40.00 once.

How often are you stopped during a normal day? Are people usually polite or are they total douches?

People are usually very polite and respectful. I don't get stopped very much because most people do not know who I am. Which is upsetting. Especially because I wear a big pin that reads, "I am Michael Ian Black!!!"

If you were financially set up for the rest of your life, how would you spend your time?

Assassin. http://www.vice.com/read/mind-thoughts-with-michael-ian-black---i-will-kill-you

Not so much a question, but as someone who transcribes closed captioning for a living, thank you for your ability to finish a thought.

This does not sound like a good job to me. Maybe you love it, I don't know, but it sounds tedious. What can I do to help you get a better job? If you need money for tuition or something, let me know. I'm not going to give you any money, but I do want to know if you need it.

What TV shows do you watch?

Mad Men, Game of Thrones, The Killing, Boardwalk Empire, The Yankees.

Is Marc Maron as mean to you as it comes across? I'm a big fan of both of you, but every time I've heard the two of you together I've found myself liking him less and less.

Marc and I have known each other for twenty years. Our relationship has never been exactly warm and fuzzy but over the years I think we've grown to understand each other a little better. In many ways, we're similar. We're both neurotic, self-hating, depressives. The difference is that he's old and embittered whereas I am young and zestful.

Sir Michael Ian Black, what is your favorite type of cereal?

I guess, breakfast cereal?

Just how close were you and the chimp from "Monkey Sports"?

That poor chimp. His owners were always yelling at him. His name was Murray.

Are you working on any film scripts at the moment?

Yes.

Any new children's books on the horizon? Do they really take you 90 minutes to write? I always get a kick out of the videos you do for them.

Yeah, there's one coming out in September called "I'm Bored." And obviously I was exaggerating when I said they take ninety minutes to write. More like 60.

Other than Ed, everything I've seen you in has been Viacom related. Do they own you like Disney owns Selena Gomez?

Ed was also Viacom related. It's not that they own ME so much as they own the world.

So sharing an RV with Meghan McCain... would you do it again?

Maybe not an RV. Maybe a touring bus. The RV smelled like ass. (My ass.)

Fact: When I was 14, my AIM screenname was MichaelIanBlkLvr. Can't believe I'm admitting that to anyone, especially Michael Ian Black.

Now everybody knows and feels your shame.

How did you meet Tim and Eric - what do you think of their comedy? Also, is this now the preferred form of celebrities to interact with fans, because you can't smell us through the computer AND we won't take cell phone pictures of you?

I met them in Philly years ago when Stella was doing a show. They gave us a DVD of their early stuff and we all thought it was amazing. I could not be a bigger fan of those guys.

What is your favorite sexual position?

Dick in pussy.

What can we , as fans , do to encourage the state to reunite for a tour?

$$$

So I just want to appologize for the time I met you at a radio station in Louisville Kentucky and had no idea who you were. It was the second day of my first professional job and I was there assisting someone who was being interviewed. I know you don't remember any of this but you walked in to the reception area and you looked really familiar to me. We chatted breifly and then you went back. That's when the receptionist was like "You know that was Micheal Ian Black" and I was like "Who?" Then I got home and told my roomate who instantly made me watch Wet Hot American Summer... which is now one of my favorite movies ever. My friends and I even had a Wet Hot themed party recently. Hopefully I will meet you again one day and this time I maybe I will get a picture with you.

It took me a REALLY long time to get over that and here you go bringing it all back up again. THANKS FOR NOTHING!

HI! I read your book "You're not doing it right" and the part in the end where you wrote to Martha made me cry. I heard you on DC 101 on my way to school a couple months ago and have had a crush on you since I was 12 because you were the one that said the funny stuff on I love the... And now I am 20. So if you could just type back a couple of letters...It could even just be ahgakljg it would make my week

I will do even better than random letters. I will say "thank you," which could be described as random letters if you didn't read the language. To that person, they would look like random letters. You and I know, however, that they are not random at all. Although, who's to say, ultimately, what's random and what's not? I mean, how random is it that we're even communicating in the first place. Random implies the lack of design, but everything - EVERYTHING - is the product of some other occurrence. Either everything is random or nothing is random. I don't know which. All I know is you are my best friend.

I loved run fat boy run, did you go to Simon with the idea or him to you?

I wrote the original draft, then he rewrote it to set it in London and also to make it better. We didn't really work together on it, although we did hang out a little in London when they were shooting and I wrote a blurb for his book. Honestly, though, I'm not sure he knows who I am.

One time on twitter you changed your picture and I said your wife had a lazy eye and you told me I only had half a face. Do you remember this? It was September 2009.

That is a really good memory for me.

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1. Sure.
2. I don't watch that much comedy but there's so much great stuff out there. Children's Hospital, Community, Parks and Rec, Girls, etc. etc. etc.

My fiancee and I have started watching Ed recently. You are really funny in it, good work! Did you have any career experience that helped you play someone who works in a bowling alley?

*fiancee not fiance

I've always been good with aerosol.

What is your view on meadows?

About twenty meters away.

Pretty interesting to see your diversity from Fox News early in the week to Reddit later in the week. Big fan ever since "IT"S COLDER THAN A DEAD PIECE OF VAGINA OUT THERE!"

I guess the only question I've really ever wanted to ask you is do you like quacomole? Heard you did.

Great question: I DO like guacamole. Thank you for giving me a chance to finally get that out there.