I'm pretty honest with myself.

Comments: 1238 • Responses: 34  • Date: 

IntellectPrevails330 karma

How did you not get your ass kicked after releasing "The Amazing Racist"?

AriShaffir53 karma

People are mostly pussies who stand for very little except in terms of talking about what they stand for.

I knew a hundred people who said if they were on those 9-11 planes things would've been different. Really? You'd have courage where hundreds of other people didn't? Based on no previous experience in a similar situation? Good for you.

I used to get threats all the time on MySpace that people were going to kill me. I usually wrote back that my tour schedule was posted on my page and they could surely scrounge up enough money to take action instead of just randomly threaten a stranger for making a funny video. No one ever took me up on it.

Also, every once in a while I'd just get someone's account deleted because terms of service are pretty clear about death threats.

AriShaffir28 karma

BTW, I'm one of those pussies who stands for very little except in terms of talking about it. Unless we're talking about my apathy. Then my lack of actions back up my words.

AriShaffir113 karma

Alright, it's 6am. I'm going to sleep. Jesus.

what_os109 karma

What Operating System(s) do you run in your computer(s)?

AriShaffir139 karma

I've been a non-computer savvy Mac guy for the last 7 years.

Thebaconbull97 karma

Is it true, you secretly hate Brian Redban?

AriShaffir127 karma

And, no, I don't hate Brian Redban. We've been friends for, like, 7 years.

[deleted]84 karma

Pumpkin Pie

AriShaffir177 karma

Pumpkin pie? Did somebody say pumpkin pie? What's the difference between pumpkin pie and pussy?

trisight31 karma

Pumpkin pie doesn't taste as fresh after a few days in the refrigerator.

AriShaffir4 karma

It should be, "Pumpkin pie tastes way fresher after a few days in the refrigerator.

wackyninja78 karma

Could you tell me a joke based around pie, by any chance?

AriShaffir272 karma

What's the difference between pumpkin pie and pussy? That's actually a thing they used to do at some open mic I used to do when I started. It was at a coffee shop in the Valley on Lankershim called Kindness of Strangers. It's not open any more.

The MC would do a thing where he'd say, "Pumpkin pie?" and then the other comics would say, "Did you say "Pumpkin pie?'" and the comic would start a joke by saying "What's the difference between pumpkin pie and pussy?" and the crowd of comedians would repeat, "What's the difference between pumpkin pie and pussy?" and the comic would say, "The difference between pumpkin pie and pussy is..." And then you'd fill in whatever you wanted.

Like, "The difference between pumpkin pie and pussy is, I've never eaten my mother's pumpkin pie, wiped my mouth and said "More, please.""

It was pretty fun. And I guess the more established open micer comics in the crowd could preemptively start it up by saying "Pumpkin pie."

That would put the onus on the guy on stage to repeat, "Pumpkin pie? Did someone say pumpkin pie? What's the difference between pumpking pie and pussy?" and they'd go from there.

Years later I found out the whole game was stolen from one of the Kings of Comedy guys and I felt like a part of my innocence drank too much and had to vomit.

lolowhat74 karma

Would you rather be trapped on a airplane with Joe Diaz where you both are on acid or have redban make your financial decisions for 6 months?

AriShaffir97 karma

Hahaha. I would love to be on an airplane on acid with Diaz. It's a funny question but an easy answer.

ArbeitMachtFreefall12 karma

Is Diaz ever just too much to take? You seem like a pretty chill guy, and he seams pretty intense much of the time.

AriShaffir5 karma

I've never really gotten tired of him. He also has the shortest conversations on the phone of any person I've known. Guaranteed to last under 40 seconds at least 50% of the time.

frequentrip52 karma

Why are you awake this early?

AriShaffir210 karma

I'm a comedian. It's only 4:35 am. I'm going to sleep soon.

In_Beds49 karma

Did Joe Rogan hook it up with a free flesh light?

AriShaffir9 karma

I need less clutter in my life. He's offered me one plenty of times. But if I sometimes leave used condoms on my floor for days at a time, when am I ever going to clean that thing? Before or after the mold starts?

CertifiedBA49 karma

Is going to LA really the only way to make a hard push into comedy? I know there are of course exceptions.

AriShaffir86 karma

No. Start somewhere else. Put a couple years in a nurturing city with any scene and then move to LA or New York (or Toronto or London if you live in other countries) when you have a base with which to work.

FenwayFranks43 karma

Portland OR is very nurturing.

AriShaffir4 karma

Yup. Good scene in Portland. I'll hopefully be back with my storytelling show, This Is Not Happening, during Bridgetown in April. Last year we had Pete Holmes, Mike Burns, Moshe Kasher (who told one of my favorite stories ever and we didn't record it so there's no record of it anywhere in the world but luckily he later included it as a chapter in his book, Kasher in the Rye), Margaret Cho, and a recently relapsed Andy Dick. Margaret went on after Andy and saved the show.

[deleted]48 karma

How often does being a comedian get you tail?

AriShaffir125 karma

I've done it with a few people I know from comedy, so it depends if that counts or not. I wouldn't count it.

Otherwise, not very often. I need the girl to put it out there a little strong. I'd way rather go home alone than be stuck talking to somebody's 4 friends while I find out there's no way to separate her from the others (either by bad luck or design).

It's happened a few times, though. Always makes me feel like a winner. Always.

[deleted]127 karma


AriShaffir5 karma

I need them to put it out there a little strong and be within my range of what I'd usually go for. I have gotten some of the internet before but ALWAYS with a picture first. That makes the 5s not try so hard and the 6s justifiably nervous.

LA scale.

resutidder9 karma

Is pulling your penis out a regular part of your act? It's weird talking to a celebrity after I've seen their junk.

AriShaffir3 karma

Hahaha. It's not a "regular" part, but it's happened so many times at this point, it doesn't seem shocking at all to me. I've done it, maybe 150-200 times. I just find flaccid male genitalia to be about the funniest thing on the planet.

Where did you see it?

RadicalBro40 karma

How many prostitutes have you had sex with?

AriShaffir185 karma

The correct grammar is, "With how many prostitutes have you had sex?" The answer is; two.

enigma2g38 karma

I just wanted to say that the episode of skeptic tank about Joey Diaz's time inside was probably the most interesting podcast I've ever heard. My question is why do you think there are so many redban haters on the Internet?

Edit: For those people asking it's episode 18 and it's on youtube in its entirety Here

AriShaffir132 karma

A lot of people concentrate more on what they don't like than what they do like. I try to give very little time to the things I don't care for. If some comedian sucks, I'll just leave the room. I certainly won't stay inside for his whole set just so I can have more to hate about him. Or her. Probably her.

SOulde8935 karma

How do you feel about Natasha and Duncan?

AriShaffir58 karma

I'm friendly with both of them. I used to be a way angrier person than I am now.

Big_Adam33 karma

Its probably bad I have little to no idea who you are.

AriShaffir51 karma

It's not bad. Not everybody comes in contact with everybody. Also, I'm pretty unknown, so a really high percentage of people have never heard of me.

beef_taco28 karma

Carlos Mencia is a douchecanoe. Do any comedians actually like the man?

AriShaffir60 karma

A shockingly small amount. Mostly only new comics who look up to any comic they've heard of and comics who once were employed by him and now say hi when he shows up but never calls him on their own.

Duug24 karma

I've watched your first time doing stand up on youtube before. You think you'll ever re-post that? Unless you hate it

AriShaffir55 karma

I hate it. And I started thinking people thought that was just me doing standup now. And I hated that even more. Plus, some people commented that it was really good, and that made me hate THEM. So I made it private or took it down.

Pudding_Inquisitor22 karma

If you could be any kind of pudding, what kind would you be and why? Conventional to theoretical and inedible puddings are acceptable answers.

AriShaffir51 karma

I have pudding in my fridge! I almost forgot! Be right back.

bdaniel4420 karma

what is your own personal favorite joke?

AriShaffir70 karma

Street joke? Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

AriShaffir62 karma


AriShaffir97 karma

Because it was dead.

KjeGra20 karma

Can you tell us something we don't now about a deathsquad member? Preferably something juicy :)

AriShaffir74 karma

Joey Diaz is Duncan Trussell's father. Don't spread that. Duncan doesn't know.

BigCatTherapist17 karma

Heard a story about you pooping your pants. Rough man, really is. However my question is, for aspiring comedians, was the amount of laughs you received due to that story worth the pooping? Would you recommend those who are considering a similar vocation to do the same?

AriShaffir26 karma

Totally worth it for the bit but I've never understood the idea of intentionally putting yourself in a bad position for the sake of a possible bit.

Robstaley7 karma

says the guy who walked into a black-owned dry cleaner dressed as a klansman...

AriShaffir4 karma

Haha. That WAS the bit.

houseofbacon16 karma

Do you intend to maintain the same stand up/cameo/tv career path you have now, or are there other areas you would like to branch into?

AriShaffir36 karma

Nobody intends a cameo tv career. It's just gotten me by. I'd love to do some fun part in a tv show or movie. I've never quite been far enough into Hollywood to get that stuff going, though.

whatever_idc16 karma

Lindsay Lohan will participate in InAPPropriate Comedy; How much of a train wreck is she?

AriShaffir23 karma

What's InAPPropriate Comedy? I'm dreading this answer.

Sarcastic_Samurai14 karma

What's the best perk of being a comedian?

AriShaffir39 karma

Getting to do comedy in front of cool audiences. You have no idea what it feels like.

[deleted]13 karma

What do you do when you're onstage and you just cannot connect with the audience? Just do your time? Any secrets or shortcuts you've learned?

AriShaffir41 karma

Sweat. A lot of sweat.