(Throw away account, of course.)

Today marks the longest period of time I've gone without it since I started. Four years of snorting and smoking. I never fixed, not once. I don't like needles and never particularly wanted AIDS. Even at my lowest point, the idea of fixing skeeved me out.

I had the help of Prince Valium for the first couple days. That helped me sleep and maintain a bit of my sanity.

The worst part, the part I was dreading most, rather, were the super intense muscle aches. It hurts down to your bones and makes you grit your teeth until you feel like they're coming loose.

But those have since passed. My nose is still a little runny and I'm shitting like a fire hose. So basically it feels like I'm getting over a bout with the flu. I never puked or itched, two nasty things I was expecting.

I'm a little depressed. Nothing very serious. I went out today for the first time since Wednesday. I forgot how much more laborious everything is without smack, everything requires so much deliberation and patience. This is absolutely not an endorsement, but that's the one good thing about the shit: it makes you incredibly passive to life's minutiae.

I find that I have to pump myself to do small things. Yesterday, I watched an hour of a movie I hated because I didn't want to get up and look for the remote.

I've "tried" a few times in the past to kick smack. And, yes, those quotation marks imply sarcasm. Those attempts were ill-fated from the get-go.

Anyways, if you're curious or you're looking to kick it, ask me anything and I'll be as forthcoming as I can be.

EDIT: Someone just sent me an anonymous subscription to Reddit gold. It's sort of hard to find words to how much that means to me. To know someone else is looking out for me even though I'm just a faceless username to them. That's big. Reddit is good people.

EDIT 2: Check out straightedgefred's original song about me here. I cried when I listened to the first time. Huge happy tears.

Comments: 1508 • Responses: 29  • Date: 

SnailHunter164 karma

Congrats, but unfortunately what you just went through was the easiest part of getting sober. You need to get involved with some kind of recovery program or you will go back to it. Try to find an NA meeting in your area and get a sponsor and take it from there. Good luck.

burnt_fingers246 karma

Yeah, I spent most of yesterday getting rid of anything that reminded me of dope. I threw out a pipes and a tons of baggies I had in my desk drawer. I considered licking them before throwing them out-- but that just seemed so pathetic that I got sort of irritated with myself for even thinking like that.

There's NA meetings at this church around the corner from my house but I'm fearful that they'll try to impress some Christian agenda on me when I go in. I'm not very, eh... spiritual, to say the least.

[deleted]148 karma


burnt_fingers37 karma

I fucking love it. That's easily the most amazing thing that's happened to me all week. Linking to original post for sure.

EdgarVerona142 karma

I have to know... where did you get the money to keep up the habit? Were you able to sustain a job in your condition?

burnt_fingers257 karma

I'm a fairly functional addict. I've held a steady job the last few years. I'm not CEO material or anything but the position allows me enough leeway to work around my addiction. My boss is basically a burnt-out remnant from the hippie era. I doubt he knows anything, but if he does, he's fairly passive towards it.

I also gig with my band (a musician on dope? Well, I'll be) and pick up extra money there.

So I make enough money to support myself modestly and nurture a full-fledged addiction to smack. I actually budgeted for it, like it was the light bill or groceries. I know that I'll consume roughly X-dollars in dope for a month and I'll plan for that.

zidane_116 karma

How much on average did you budget per month?

burnt_fingers163 karma

About $300.

[deleted]248 karma


burnt_fingers68 karma

That's because one drink leads to another and another. My experience with H wasn't like that.

I knew that I liked to get high in the morning, maintain that with one hit during the day and settle in at night by smoking some. The night was when I used the most because I smoked it.

[deleted]29 karma

I did exactly the same. Just enough to be comfortable during the day, and tried not to overdo it in the evening.

Why did you not get proper treatment? I don't know how you did it on valium alone. Did you reduce first? Or use subutex/methadone?

Well done. It gets easier after a while. Get help if the low mood persists, it can be a cunt.

Also, go get laid.

burnt_fingers47 karma

Why did you not get proper treatment? I don't know how you did it on valium alone. Did you reduce first?

The quality of my shit has fallen off drastically. Up to about six months ago, I was getting some very good shit. So I think that's helped me kick significantly.

I want to give the inventor of diazepam a big, wet kiss. I couldn't imagine how awful I would have felt those first few days without it.

tightirl127 karma

Benzos can be an amazing tool if the individual is properly educated. One must realize, though, that all benzos are extremely physically addicting and habit forming. The withdrawal from benzos is even worse than heroin if you can imagine...Tread carefully and use them for the right reasons. Also if you are running low or can't find stuff, grapefruit will significantly potentiate and prolong the benzos. If you want details let me know. Some might be asking why in the world would I be telling an addict how to potentiate a physically addicting drug. My answer is that it seems benzos aren't his drug of choice and that the OP is leagues more responsible and truly self-motivated - I think he can handle this information responsibly.

burnt_fingers21 karma

I don't want people thinking I traded on fix for another. I used the Valium as a tool to help me over a hurdle. Jonesing fucking sucks, it's the number one cause of people getting back on the gear. If I can have a tool to help me over that hurdle, I'm going to use it.

Besides, downers aren't my bag. H was like fuel for me, it kept me going. I very rarely got the drops on heroin. Benzos make me feels sluggish.

tightirl152 karma

Wow that is an extremely light addiction. I am not belittling your struggle or anything but let's just say $300 a week would be an average for a lot of people living in my area. I live in San Diego - we only have black tar and it ranges anywhere from 40-80 a gram. I've made many many observations about opiate addiction and have researched the topic extensively - I think I even have some ideas/theories about opiate addiction that haven't really been discussed at all that could definitely help people trying to quit. If you have any questions at all let me know. I know what it's like to try and quit, fail, see all your friends spiraling to rock bottom.

A few questions out of curiousity: -How much valium did you use to help quell your anxiety/help you sleep? -What part of the country do you live in and what kind of prices do you have? -Are you quitting without the assistance of a program (inpatient or outpatient) -Are you quitting by yourself and do you know andor have friends that are addicted? -What was the catalyst that made you decide to quit? -Do you have a significant other/do your parents andor friends know? -What instrument do you play? :)

Honestly, and again I am not calling you out at all I am just impressed, I have never met a single opiate addict (not somewhat addicted I'm talking 'junkie' which I would think you qualify as - I don't mean this in a berating way it's just the term) that didn't end up carrying their habit as far as they could. What I mean is however much money someone has, all of it goes towards dope. This inevitably leads to some sort of crime whether it be blatant robbery/violence or discreet crime like skimming off the top of your parents' monies (college funds, bank accounts, rifling through purses I've heard it all). I, fortunately, was one of the only people besides another good friend from childhood that got wrapped up in opiates and didn't end up at rock bottom and didn't resort to theft. This was because I was in a similar situation - I was a (relatively) functional addict making money and going to school.

This is a very sensitive topic for me as it consumed the majority of my life for a good 3 years. Again I am really happy that you have taken the first step man. The only issue is that even if the ego/conscious mind rationally realizes addiction is negative no matter what way you look at it, those damn reward pathways and chemical dependencies make things challenging. Also trying to assimilate back into the 'real world' (don't necessarily think this is a good thing but realistically it must be done if you are going to quit), have relationships, obligations and most importantly all the free time. IDLE HANDS ARE THE DEVILS PLAY THING. Out of all the many tidbits of advice I can/could offer you, this is #1. DON'T SIT AROUND; do whatever you can to stay busy even if it means pacing around the block. Boredom, depression, and anxiety resulting from thinking about using are often the triggers. Anyways I have been rambling for quite a while now so I think i'll relinquish the floor lol.

This is not a throw-away acct.

burnt_fingers31 karma

How much valium did you use to help quell your anxiety/help you sleep?

I scored ten 10MG Valiums. I took four the first day, four the second and one yesterday. I have one left but I don't really feel like I need it right now. I might use it if I can't sleep.

What part of the country do you live in and what kind of prices do you have?

Major souther city with a decently close proximity to the Mexican border. I was getting decent quality from a dealer/friend for $75 a g when I bought four grams. The shit I was getting at the end was $80 a g and it was bad, no cut on price for multiple gs.

Are you quitting without the assistance of a program (inpatient or outpatient)


Are you quitting by yourself and do you know andor have friends that are addicted?

Best friend and former roommate is still addicted but I don't see him often anymore. A few of my band mates dabble. I see this as a potential problem.

What was the catalyst that made you decide to quit?

Quality dried up. Tired of chasing around to scored. The junk-based portion of my life started bleeding over into non-affected areas.

Do you have a significant other/do your parents andor friends know?

I plan on telling my dad when I'm one week clean.

What instrument do you play?

Lead and rhythm guitar.

hobard27 karma


burnt_fingers26 karma

Nah, my monkey never got that big. I'd burn maybe $300 in a month. Maybe a little more if I came into a bit of cash and was looking to party some.

undeadj13 karma

How in the world did you keep up a habit with only $300 a month? I used to spend at least $40 a day on it and I had the lightest habit of anyone I knew. Some people I knew spent up to $300 a day on it. I mean, I am not trying to call you out, but if you were getting a good price that is still only about 4 grams. which comes to about a tenth of a gram a day. I needed at least a quarter to get high. How much were you using?

burnt_fingers22 karma

A bump or two in the morning. A little to keep me going during the day and then I'd smoke a little at night. When I was budgeting for it, $300 was what I planned for. There were months when I was flush and I'd spend well over $400-$500 bucks. But $300 a month was my bare bones operational floor.

PresidentSantos15 karma

Do you write music? How did your habit affect your musical creativity? Are you worried about the effect being clean will have on your music?

burnt_fingers28 karma

Do you write music?

Yes. Me and my singer are the writers in the band.

How did your habit affect your musical creativity?

Again --not an endorsement to use-- but I feel like it helped me write. It fueled me and I feel like it made me interesting. I feel like it gave me something to say, a perspective. I've always been a fairly creative person and I feel like smack gave me an outlet.

Are you worried about the effect being clean will have on your music?

Yeah. This is a big one for me. I haven't played since I cleaned up and I feel like I won't have anything interesting to say when I do start writing again. Time will tell, I guess.

EdgarVerona12 karma

Wow, I had no idea that these kinds of things end up being well planned out. That is interesting insight.

So what's your plan now? Are you going to try and quit for good, and if so are you looking for advice or do you already have a good idea of how to proceed?

burnt_fingers51 karma

Taking it one day at a time, really. I know that sounds tired and cliche but that's all I can do.

I'm looking at getting into a NA meeting some time next week. Maybe start exercising once I get feeling alright again. I have a nice bike my roommate left me with (no, it's not stolen) so I might take that up.

[deleted]98 karma

Did you steal my Sirius radio?

burnt_fingers182 karma

'98 Accord? Was that you?!

[deleted]86 karma

Good job. Keep at it. My best friend from high school died 3 days ago from an overdose on heroin.

Whatever you do. Never touch the thing again, and don't be around those that were around you when you were taking it. The strongest person in the world can't hold up to every single friend pressuring them to do something. Set yourself up to success, don't think you'll be able to resist all pressures, make your life so that you don't have a choice to ever use it again. Just please don't fall back into it... please...

And keep pumping yourself up for the little things. Thats all life really ever is.

God damn if you ever feel like you want to do it again message me and I'll give you my number so you can call me and I can come over and smack you in the face.

Never again.

burnt_fingers125 karma

God damn if you ever feel like you want to do it again message me and I'll give you my number so you can call me and I can come over and smack you in the face.

I'm trying to keep the smack out of my face, thankyouverymuch.

Kidding. Thanks for the kind words (and the promise of violence if I use).

[deleted]75 karma

I can't think of any good supportive words so I simply upvoted you to show my support for you. I hope that is ok.

burnt_fingers49 karma

Works for me. Thanks for sentiments.

[deleted]63 karma

Don't start patting yourself on the back just yet. It's the number one cause of relapse.

burnt_fingers138 karma

Not one single pat thus far, sir.

flyingcarsnow60 karma

is your sex life ruined? I learned of that side effect through Dr Drew on Loveline.

burnt_fingers168 karma

Admittedly, it adversely affects you sexually. That's not bullshit. It curves lust and sorta makes you passive towards getting ass. Getting a full-on, raging, hard-as-steel erection was... well... not impossible but pretty improbable.

I mean, I wasn't a monk for the past five years. I've had women. Whether or not I rocked their world is a completely different issue.

Is it ruined? No. I've jerked off three or four times since Wednesday. My dick feels like it's sixteen again. So... that's a plus... right?

soupcon34 karma

What's the worst thing you've done to pay for a hit? (if relevant) Why don't you start on a methadone program?

burnt_fingers123 karma

I never did anything skeevy (or, hell, even illegal) for a taste. Like I said, I work, I pay bills. I do a lot of semi-normal shit you probably do. I just also do heroin.

My dad got me into a methadone program. That was one of those ill-fated attempts at quitting I talked about. I guess the reason is because, compared to smack, methadone sucks. It's nowhere near the same high. My first taste of methadone sated me for about two hours, then I did a bump.

Also, the clinic is insanely depressing. You want to feel like a real fucking junkie? Go to a methadone clinic. That's the worst banquet of human misery I've ever seen.

febreezeman33 karma

is this 96 hours and counting or are you totally ripped right now?

burnt_fingers81 karma

Going strong.

Itbelongsinamuseum24 karma

Explain to me in detail the days when you first ever tried heroin up until the point you were hooked. How long did it take and what was going through your mind?

burnt_fingers60 karma

My roommate had been playing in a three piece blues band and their drummer used. He was given some before a show and it was a curtain call for him, instant chemical love.

I've always been adventurous, drug-wise and I had a pretty healthy attraction to cocaine at the time. But heroin scared this shit out of me, that shit killed Morrison, it killed Cobain, it killed Joplin. He coaxed me with a bump. "Just bump it."

You know that scene in movies where a character has a revelation and their face lights up and a choir sings behind them. Well, maybe I'm making that movie up-- but that's what happened. It was like being kissed on the mouth by light. Heroin pours itself into you and it says, "Everything's going to be okay. I'm here now."

I bought a little. And a little more. And then it was just a thing I did. Something I maintained. That explosive feeling of wellness diminished but I never upped the quantity of my hits to match it. I knew that's what killed people and I never got greedy.

gastomania18 karma

"It was like being kissed on the mouth by light. Heroin pours itself into you and it says, "Everything's going to be okay. I'm here now.""

Suddenly i get an urge to do heroin :o

burnt_fingers101 karma

Yeah. Then you stop and it feels like darkness shitting directly into your soul.

Don't do heroin.

njckname218 karma

What determined you to finally quit this time?

What long term effects did the drug have on you?

Did you do other drugs?

Will you continue taking (other)drugs?

burnt_fingers37 karma

What determined you to finally quit this time?

The supply turned to fucking garbage. My dealer left town and I started scoring from his friend and his shit was just nasty. I decided I'd rather do nothing that scrape by with that shit.

What long term effects did the drug have on you?

I still wake up every morning and the first thing in my mind is a doing a bump to start my day. The second morning, I went into my dresser and took out my vial only to find it empty. It's sort of auto-pilot stuff like that.

Will you continue taking drugs?

I've Never been a big drinker and don't particularly like marijuana. Speed makes me feel like I'm going to die. I might eat mushrooms on the rare occasion-- but there's not a massive market for those in my neck of the woods. So probably not.

NeoSlasher18 karma

You say that what determined you to quit was the fact that your good supply dried up. What will you do if/when a good supply shows up again?

EDIT: Fixed phrasing

burnt_fingers31 karma

Hopefully I won't find it-- or it won't find me. I honestly haven't planned for that inevitability just yet. I'm hoping sobriety will give me some perspective.

njckname211 karma

These questions might have obvious answers but I want to know the answers. Interesting AMA btw.

Do you regret ever starting taking heroin in the first place?

While you were taking the drug, weren't you thinking "What the fuck am I doing, I'm a heroin addict", weren't you scared by that thought?

burnt_fingers55 karma

Do you regret ever starting taking heroin in the first place?

Yeah. Absolutely. Right now I do.

While you were taking the drug, weren't you thinking "What the fuck am I doing, I'm a heroin addict", weren't you scared by that thought?

Nah. Heroin allows you to put those thoughts away. You don't think about it, really. You don't take inventory like that. If it comes up, you compartmentalize it or marginalize it. "I'm not a junkie. Now Steve, that motherfucker is a junkie. I'll get clean if I ever get like Steve."

gregshortall10 karma

Why are you making a real effort to give it up this time around?

burnt_fingers18 karma

I got tired of tracking down a good supply and settling for garbage. It started interfering with the non-smack related aspects of my life. I realized I'm devoting a lot of time to scoring. It'd be something I'd agonize over.

nateking18 karma

Marlo Stanfield and the Barksdale Crew is hiring Omar to Get You Back. Every Customer Counts.

burnt_fingers11 karma

Oh shit! Omar comin'?

[deleted]5 karma

Congrats on kicking it, I've heard how crazy it can be. Question wise, how much does heroin usually run? And did that interfere with the rest of your life money wise?

burnt_fingers3 karma

I had a connection that would hook me up with four grams for $300-- I could minimally get by using set intervals with that amount. I stocked-up about once a month because I didn't want to be one of those scabs that hangs out at my dealer's house.

As far as money goes, yeah, there were times I passed up doing something or buying something I wanted because I needed the money for shit. I looked at it like a bill, something I had to pay to continue functioning.

Put it this way: if it came down to keeping my power on or scoring, I'd choose the power. But it'd be a difficult decision and I'd agonize over it.

thehoodie5 karma

What is your opinion on legalising heroin/other illegal drugs? I only ask because I just had a debate with a friend about this, and it would interesting to hear the opinion of a former user.

burnt_fingers11 karma

I'm not going to be one of those people who kicks and shits all over everyone else that uses. I know guys like them and I want to break a chair over their head.

I'm fairly sure if we legalized drugs, the government would find some way to fuck it up. It wouldn't be the free-wheeling utopia users make it out to be.

mmmggg4 karma


burnt_fingers5 karma

That's very sweet. Thank you.