Comments: 20 • Responses: 5 • Date: 2019-10-14 14:15:22 UTCsource
antiheaderalist10 karma2019-10-14 15:17:43 UTC
Thank you for doing this!
I know many OB/GYN's and one of the things that makes them cringe the most is when people post very early pregnancy announcements. They know how common it is for things to go wrong, and how awful it is to then be forced to share that publicly.
Mostly I wanted to say thanks, but do you have recommendations on how people should discuss their pregnancy issues with friends and family?
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dtatbfilm12 karma2019-10-14 15:29:09 UTC
Thanks for your question!
It's interesting that you mention that, because we really wanted to get to the root of why a couple feels awful sharing an early loss publicly. They didn't do anything wrong, so why does it feel embarrassing and shameful? We hope we share some of that in the film.
I think that people should talk about their pregnancy issues with their family as much or as little as they feel comfortable, but no matter what they share they should be sure to relay what they need from the other person. Do you want your best friend to check on you and ask how IVF is going? Tell her. Do you want your dad to remember the anniversary of your pregnancy loss and call you? Tell him.
I think it's so critical to reach out and tell people what we want and need to feel seen, and that goes a long way in taking the taboo away from these issues.
antiheaderalist5 karma2019-10-14 15:44:00 UTC
I haven't watched the movie yet, actually trying to get some of those OB's together tonight to watch it together! Really looking forward to it.
I think from their perspective it's more about the patient being able to deal with their loss on their own terms, but the guilt and shame is clearly there (and probably much worse because society doesn't recognize how common pregnancy loss is!)
I know "bringing awareness" is a bit cliche, but this really is an issue that can be made better just by being discussed publicly.
dtatbfilm5 karma2019-10-14 15:45:47 UTC
I'd love to hear what your OB friends think of it, please shoot us a message to let us know how it goes if you have a moment.
Thank you for helping to spread awareness!
ZAX27178 karma2019-10-14 16:11:02 UTC
Thank you for posting this information. I had lost my twin son a week after he was born. My kiddos were born at 27 weeks and my son was 1 lb 15 oz and my daughter who is almost 3 was only 15 oz. my wife still has a hard time with it every now and then worried that our daughter might die (she is medically fragile but should be able to overcome her issues) my question is what can I do to help my wife through this? We had a little therapy right after his death but haven’t been back. I’m just not sure what to do for her.
dtatbfilm3 karma2019-10-14 17:15:46 UTC
I'm so sorry for your loss.
From what we learned in our interviews, counseling seemed to be the best thing not only for dealing with your own grief, but learning how your grief style is different than/complements/acts different than your partners. It can be incredibly upsetting for one partner to be actively feeling grief that prevents them from living their normal lives, and see their partner seemingly unbothered, when in reality that partner is just trying to stay strong for the other. We had one man say he was just trying to keep it together for his wife, but counseling helped BOTH of them learn that he was also grieving. We dedicate an entire section of the film to talking about men's grief, how it might look different than a woman's, and how they need to be acknowledged, as well.
My personal advice is to let her know, verbally and specifically, that you're also hurting and that you're there for her. Ask her what she needs from you and to see from you.
Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.
EatMoreArtichokes6 karma2019-10-14 16:02:27 UTC
My friend and his wife lost their daughter in utero a few days before the due date. Other than going to hang out with him, listen to him and drink beer, what are other good ways to be supportive of fathers going through this?
dtatbfilm8 karma2019-10-14 16:14:57 UTC
That's so tough, thank you for being a good friend to him. I hate to plug the film, but we included a whole section about fathers about 40 minutes into it, including how we can include men in the conversation. Too often they're left out of it completely, and that doesn't help anyone.
I would suggest finding out the name they gave their baby and using it in conversation ("How are you doing since Bryce passed?") It means so much to these families when you use their baby's name. I'd also recommend flat out asking, What can I do for you? Maybe it means listening for the upteenth time while they talk about things that might be really sad. Maybe it means remembering the anniversary. Mainly it's being there, and letting them know specifically that the memory of their baby won't be forgotten. Too many people forget, and it's devastating to the parents.
Spartanfred1041 karma2019-10-14 14:52:16 UTC
What is your opinion on people who choose to be child free in a world based around children? You mention the stigma about miscarriage and infant loss what about the men and women who choose to not to have kids yet are expected to in a world that revolves around children?
dtatbfilm8 karma2019-10-14 15:00:56 UTC
Thanks for your question! I think we live in a very family and child focused society, and it can often be very difficult for someone (or a couple) to make that choice and not receive any pushback. Women are expected to be mothers, they're expected to be maternal and want to nurture children. Men should want to be fathers and be surrounded by little children and the floppy eared family dog. It's a completely valid choice to choose to be child free, but many people around the couple or person find that hard to accept.
In my experience with the people that we interviewed for the film, there were several couples who made the decision to stop trying to conceive and live "child-full" lives. They parent in the way they feel comfortable, whether that means being incredible aunts and uncles, parenting four legged friends, or even just nurturing their hobbies and traveling. They then need to deal with the annual holiday "So when are you having kids?!" and then the judgmental looks from Aunt Polly. It can be very difficult and very crappy.
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