IAmA father of an 8 day old baby dying of a rare genetic disorder AMA.

First, I want to tell you that I have the deepest respect for you and your family and I want to express gratefulness for your choice of doing this AMA. That said, my questions could and will probably be considered disrespectful or worse, but I ask them with no ill intentions.

If you and your wife had the opportunity to know in advance that your baby would be born with this syndrome, would you have aborted?

Did you and your wife have plans to have multiple children? Did they change?

Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate the difficult questions. If no one asks then we don't learn anything useful.

My wife and I have been wanting to have kids since we met. Our first pregnancy unfortunately ended in a miscarriage.

If we were to know in advance I don't think I could abort the fetus. Don't get me wrong this process is incredibly painful. My daughter is blind, deaf, and has a severely underdeveloped brain, but she is still my little girly. We will only have her for a short time so we are trying to spend as much time with her as possible. I don't think I could judge anyone that would abort if they somehow knew ahead of time.

If my wife and I try to have another child there's a 25 percent chance this will happen again. Our dreams of having a family are effectively destroyed. Adoption in the US is roughly 20k. Fostering a child is also difficult because our current state doesn't favor military families because of how often we move.

Thank you for your honest answer. I can't even imagine how hard it is - life is strange, tomorrow the same could happen to me or someone I love - I hope that in such unfortunate case I find the strenght you showed here, opening this thread.

It is an incredibly odd feeling. The diagnosis was established after an MRI. Before the test we were told there was probably nothing wrong. Then the doctors had us come to an afternoon meeting.

My wife and I immediately knew something was wrong. We were waiting in a conference room when around 6 doctors walked in. A few of the doctors were crying before they began talking. It felt weird like a movie. From that day on it's been a blur.

Some days are better than others. The hard part is wondering how we should proceed. Do we treat her like we are having a normal day? Or do we try to do something special? My wife and I are toying with the idea of having all of her "firsts". We have our camera so we will begin to buy her a toy car, a prom dress, a wedding dress etc. It feels odd but how do you live a lifetime in a few months?

Oh, I had never thought about doing her "firsts" . That is a unique way to approach it (in a good way). I think you guys should just follow your hearts and it sounds like that is what you should do! I've never been in your situation so I cannot imagine going through what you two are going through. I work with special needs children, some with significant disabilities, but would never say I know what it is like. Enjoy the moments you have.

Thank you. I appreciate the kind words. It will be sad but I hope it is fulfilling for her.

"It feels odd but how do you live a lifetime in a few months?"

Just wanted to say, this brought tears to my eyes. Me and my wife have had multiple late term miscarriages (not in anyway a comparison, but I find grief is relative and perspective is reality) and your question brought something up some familiar shit, man.

Our son is three now, and I've come learn every day you can spend with your baby is a gift. I'd take the hurt and the pain and the shit for one day with them, every time. Every piece of your soul it carves away it replaces with memories that are twice as strong as your soul ever was. Doesn't make it fair or right, and everyone will try to relate (grief is relative, right?), but if you can put the blinders on and focus... You can make a month feel like a lifetime. It will be for you.

Best wishes.

Thank you so much for posting. My wife and I also had a miscarriage. They can truly be terrible.

We will definitely cherish our time with our little girly. :)

Good God man you two have courage. What a wonderful idea. There's no right and no wrong. Only you three matter.

Thank you.

I have no questions for you. Only love and support for your pain, she is a beautiful little angel and I am so deeply sorry you will only have her here for a short time. Even if it is longer than forecast, it won't be long enough for such loving parents.

I hope you have a good support system around you and that you find strength in each other to face your challenges together. When her time comes to be eased from her physical limits, she will soar free from pain and be with you forever.

I appreciate that. Thank you.

Adoption costs $20k, but so does raising a child for the first year of their life. Sure the cost is more upfront, but it's not outside of the realm of what you would be spending anyway, so it really shouldn't stop you.

We've planned to pay for a baby over the course of a year. Adding an extra 20k upfront is a bit too much for us right now.

Wait a extra year, and adopt a 1 year old?

Don't get me wrong, your situation sucks. It really, really does. You just shouldn't give up on your dreams of having a family. It's not be the path you wanted, but it's still attainable, and I really hope you get there at some point.

Wife here... the main issue is it's much much harder to adopt as a military family. We aren't ruling it out but it's not easy. It also depends on the state we are in and who we choose to adopt from. We move... a lot. So that affects a lot of this process.

As far as the money goes... we don't pay for health care, it is all covered; except for a very few amount of things. So medical expenses is something that we don't pay for. All of our baby stuff was graciously given to us. So coming up with 20k isn't that simple for us or something we can do within a year.

Perhaps you can get some people to graciously donate towards adoption? If that is the path you decide to go down, I would be more than happy to give what I can.

Thank you. That is very kind.

It may be an option in the future.

As someone who recently became a mum for the first time, my heart breaks so much for you and I just can't imagine how difficult this all must be. My throat starts to close when I try.

I'm so sorry.

At the same time, and I know this might sound odd, but congratulations on your beautiful baby girl. Even with the pain of inevitably losing her, you have surely glimpsed the infinite pleasure that is meeting your child. I'm sure she is a special little girl to be carrying the heavy task of touching your lives for such a short time. I wish you every extra snuggly second you can have with her and then a few more.

My question is: do you have a belief system that is helping you through this?

Thank you. Your kind words mean so much. My husband will most likely respond as well.

She's amazing and beautiful and we love her more than words can describe. I never knew I could love someone or something so much as I love her. And I will continue to love her even after she's gone.

To answer your direct question: yes we do. My husband and I are both Christians and believe in God. It took a lot for Lily to be here and I firmly believe God placed her here to teach us something. She was uniquely created by Him and we may not know in the moment why she came to us this way. But we have faith that God will get us through this and that she has a purpose even in her short time here on earth.

Lol you're response is so positive and mine is terrible.

I still love you ❤❤

We sound like teenagers texting. :]

Thank you! We are absolutely ecstatic to be new parents even if it is only for a little while.

Yes my wife and I are nondenominational Christians. This may make some folks point out that this seems incredibly unfair. I agree. It is a daily struggle to see terrible parents have multiple children while my wife and i suffer through this. I do get jealously and even angry.

What helps me stay centered is my religion. In Christianity God doesn't promise that life will be fair or even comfortable. Many seemingly good people are hurt in terrible ways. If all that mattered to me was this life, I would be a salty SOB. This doesn't overwhelm me because I know the goal is the afterlife.

Thank you both for your answers. It is good that you have your faith to guide you through a trial such as this, but also to help you see Lily in her own divine context, which is important. Your family will be in my thoughts.

Kia Kaha (be strong)

:) thank you.

Let me start by saying this may come off as EXTREMELY insensitive, but I hope you realize it is not meant that way. Now for the question.

How would you feel if she surprises you? One of my cousins was given less than a month to live at birth due to how underdeveloped his lungs and heart were. He managed to pull through and is now a pretty normal 6 year old boy. Given that your daughter is blind, deaf, and mentally impaired, would you consider it a blessing if she made it to say, 10 years old? I honestly only ask because I've always wondered what goes through a parents mind when faced with what many people would see as a burden.

That's a great question. It's one I used to wonder myself.

I am seriously conflicted. On one hand I love her so much. I would absolutely be thrilled to see her live. Would it be a burden both financially and mentally? Yes. I still think it would be worth it for selfish reasons to have her around.

I don't think the best outcome for Lily is survival. Her disabilities are so severe that according to our doctors she will not be able to interact with the world in any meaningful way. Assuming this diagnosis holds true I think it could be considered cruel to keep her alive.

Again my opinions could change and my state of mind isn't the clearest right now. I would rather deal with the suffering and loss than watch her in pain.

Thank you for your reply man. Just thinking about what you are going through makes my heart hurt:(. All I can really say is I hope the time that you have left with her goes as well as it possibly could.

Thank you. It's definitely a crazy situation .

I work in a pediatric hospital with newborns and infants who often have significant life limiting conditions. I've personally worked with families on both ends of the spectrum as far as what their goals of care are. I have families who decide to forgo medical intervention in order to prevent their child from potentially suffering, even when it means having their baby in this world for a shorter period of time. I also have families who decide to pursue certain medical interventions that may extend their life, but sometimes result in suffering or perhaps a quality of life other parents wouldn't want for their child. Neither is right or wrong, these aren't easy decisions. A lot of the parents I work with express fear of being judged, so I truly hope you never feel judged by the medical team for the decisions you make because I promise we aren't judging you.

Luckily the specialists here have been nothing but supportive. We hope to strike a balance between a comfortable life and helping research.

I have worked with juvenile ALD and it’s absolutely devastating. It’s so rare most people never hear of it. I worked on a bone marrow transplant unit that specialized in ALD. Thinking of you and your family. I never had the opportunity to care for an infant with the same disorder, but I understand the depths of what it does.

Thank you for what you do. The medical professionals here have been outstanding. The difficult situations they work in on a daily basis are absolutely amazing.

There weren't any tests that could be done before she was born?? I'm so sorry

The standard testing that most women receive doesn't catch Zellweger. It's so rare that the specific genetic test is seen as a waste. Standard ultrasounds do not penetrate deeply enough to show any problems.

This has to be very hard. Are you going to try for another baby too?

Right now we are unsure. There's a 25 percent chance it'll happen again.

I am currently a 31 yr old man. My brother was diagnosed and died of ALD (adrenoleukodystrophy) when I was 4. As his brother, why did he die and I lived? We have almost the same genes. Sometimes life is weird. Take happiness as it comes. Laugh. Love truly. Be sincere, for it may be gone as soon as it is given.

It's odd isn't It? Sometimes shit happens.

What are the types of help friends could offer that would be the most useful?

A lot of friends have asked that question. Most people want to help and I appreciate it unfortunately there isn't much anyone can do.

The doctors were very nice and helpful. They pointed us to caring bridge. It's a website that you can use to post updates on your situation. It allows you to post what's going on, what you need, etc. Here's ours: https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lilycostello

Realistically money is one of the few ways friends can actually make a difference. Visiting is nice, but forces my wife and I to put more effort into organizing people and visitation times. Food baskets arrive in mass and then spoil.

Is any part of you holding back in your love for her because you know how painful it will be when she passes?

I would be lying if I told you I hadn't thought about it. Honestly my mind is going a mile a minute over here. I've thought about everything.

Even I if I wanted to forget her I couldn't. The second I see her my world is happy again. She's just too sweet for me not to be enamored by her smile.

I admire you and your wife’s honesty so much. And your response is wonderful. I’ll be praying for you all.

Thank you so much:)

I am so sorry for what you're going through. I can't begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you two. I have another tough question meant with the most respect...if it's a possibility, will you donate her organs?

I don't think it's possible because her disorder has destroyed most of the organs. If I could I absolutely would.

We are trying to include her in every study possible to help others. We won't be able to save her, but getting information for doctors could help prevent this in the future.

All of that is incredibly selfless and noble of you and your wife. To choose to help during the worst time of your life, leaves me speechless. Peace and blessings to all of you.

Thank you. That's very kind.

I'm so very sorry. I've always thought our goal as humans should be to leave the world a slightly better place than when we came into it. It sounds like she has already done so.

She certainly has. :) thank you.

Are you spending time with your daughter? What is she like?

Yes my wife and I spend as much time with her in the NICU as possible.

Due to her condition she is pretty lethargic. She sleeps quite a bit. We hold her and often read to her. Since she can't hear I rest her on my chest while I read so she can feel the vibrations. She is very quiet and calm. She also really loves snoop dogg, probably because of the bass :)

You taking another chance?

We may try IVF or adoption but it's just so darn expensive.

What are your guys' favorite ways to spend time together with sweet little Lily? Based on her reactions and responses, what do you think her favorite things that you do together are? Do you know when you'll be able to bring her home? What are your plans if/when you do? Will you have a nice little housewarming party for her (not necessarily with other people around), or do something particularly special? She sounds truly lovely and you guys are doing an amazing job at everything. A+++ parenting. Sending lots of love and positive energy your way! You guys are doing great. :)

Also, in regards to adopting (and all the extra burden that comes with it being military), having another kid and risking that 25%, I don't think you guys should think about it yet. Just focus on Lily and enjoy her while you have her. You guys will make that decision someday, but it isn't a priority to stress right now, yanno? And I hope you two have a wonderful weekend. 💖

We love giving her kisses. Two days ago she was on a monitor for her brain activity. My wife and I were able to see which interactions Lily reacted to the most. She seems to like kisses and raspberries on her tummy.

Thirty minutes ago she went into surgery. If everything goes well we should have her home in a week or two. Idk if we will have family over or not. It may be too much.

Aww, that's adorable. And I wish you guys and Lily well on the surgery! Sending prayers and blessings, always. c:

Thank you.

Is she in constant pain? If so, how do you know?

I just want to say I am so sorry you are going through this. I SOMEWHAT understand what you are going through in the fact that you had a child with a rare genetic disorder. When I was 20 weeks pregnant, my daughter was diagnosed with CCAM (Congenital Cystic Adenomatoid Malformation). It affects 1 in 30,000 pregnancies. She was my third pregnancy but my first living baby. I had 2 miscarriages before her. So, I understand how heartbreaking it is to be given a grim prognosis after trying so hard. I was advised to have an abortion or a stillborn. Abortion was never an option. I ended up going to CHOP (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia) and I now have a happy, healthy 4 year old little girl who is just missing a lobe of her lung. Best of luck to you guys and I am so sorry for your circumstances. I will keep sweet Lily in my prayers. Good luck with surgery!

She isn't in any pain but that could change as her disorder progresses.

I'm so happy for you. It's nice to hear of kiddos beating the odds.