Hi Reddit! I am a 22 year old Stage IV Lymphoma and lung cancer survivor, as well as a former PTSD sufferer because of it. I'm in remission three years on the 24th of February. AMA!

When you were going through chemo, did you ever act like sméagol in front of a mirror and scream "my precious"?

Dude. So many fucking times you wouldn't believe it. My mother used to ask me to do it for people.

Other favourites included Lord Voldemort and Sinead O'Connor.

Hey, absolutely congrats on being here to host this AMA.

Seeing your "Ask literally anything, it doesnt matter if... (etc.)" I am curious about the PTSD.

I tried googling PTSD as a result of cancer and it seemed to be a fuzzy topic. Some people seemed to claim it was just stress and bad memories while others had an acute reaction based on one event (such as the diagnosis).

As an interested party, can you inform me about PTSD in regards to sickness and Cancer? PTSD is usually tied to a specific event, so I am curious what would trigger this during a prolonged ordeal.

Hi there! Thank you :) I hope my answer helps inform you a bit because before it happened to me, I didn't ever know someone with cancer etc. could develop PTSD as a result.

There's no information on it and cancer together that I could ever find by Googling, but I'm living proof. Even I didn't believe it at first because "only vets and victims of trauma get that" - but cancer is a trauma. Like spending months at war and coming home. There'll be moments from those months that fuck you up. You can't forget them, you close your eyes and you're there again, crying, scared, lost and panicking like fuck.

My formative years as an adult revolved around chemo and death and sickness, so I'd imagine that was also a factor. It was kind of all I knew. Left school, rolled up to the chemotherapy ward. Then I was released to the big bad world with no education, no college place, no more friends, no job, nothing to go home to but my family and myself.

Smells, sounds, "trigger words", being in hospitals, cancer on TV - all of these things had the ability to bring on crippling panic attacks anytime, anywhere at the drop of a hat.

For instance, I was visiting a friend once and we were all laughing, joking etc. I was really stoned which at the time meant no flashbacks, usually. We were watching some show and someone mentioned a bone marrow biopsy. Straight away like a cutaway scene from Family Guy, I was back on an operating table with a doctor shoving a biopsy needle into my hipbone. I excused myself from the room and sobbed in the toilet while trying not to vomit until my boyfriend came and got me to go home.

This was constant. Depression took hold and I stopped leaving the house unless I had to or I was with my boyfriend. Or stoned. (Weed helped a lot, I would credit it for pulling me out of my funk as much as my anti-depressants. )

I couldn't let go of the idea of being sick. It consumed me. I clung to it because it was the only "real" thing about me. I replayed scenes over and over in my head until I wanted to bleach my brain clean. I developed hypochondriac tendencies. A cough or a pain was enough to send me running back to the doctor again.

One day, I told my GP everything I'd been feeling and she told me it was PTSD. Had me referred to a therapist who has been brilliant from day one. After extensive counselling, I've been able to let it go.

No more flashbacks, no more crying in public places, no more smashing dishes when someone on TV has cancer. It's all g.

What would you most like to tell us that no one has asked about?

Oooh, that's a hard one!

I guess I thought someone would ask if cancer is the same as in the movies or on TV. It's not. Not even slightly. The only show I've seen come close to portraying that internal struggle so well is Breaking Bad and the cancer story-line was forgotten about pretty quickly in that.

Forget everything you think you know about cancer sufferers and survivors. We are not delicate flowers or rays of fucking sunshine. Cancer turns life into a battlefield, not a Nicholas Sparks novel.

We have seen death, tasted it, slept beside it night after night in crowded hospital wards. We've felt it burn in our veins and protrude through our skin, trying to kill us from the inside out. It is a part of us now, mapped out in old scars and stubbly heads no matter how quickly we announce our second chances to the world.

We are the ones who knock.

Wow, no wonder you're a writer.

I'll take that as a compliment. Thank-you. 😊

Stop waiting, write your book please

with writing like this, i'd buy it in a heartbeat

Omg thank you. I'm actually blushing!

Nobody has ever explained it better than that.

❤

On a personal level what are since of your favorite films?

Oooh! Pulp Fiction, The Virgin Suicides, Ondine, Silver Linings Playbook, Juno, 50/50 (a cancer movie but they did it right), The Wolf of Wall Street, Natural Born Killers, The Breakfast Club, Girl Interrupted, The Little Mermaid, Trainspotting, Whip It, Clueless, Inglorious Basterds, The Wind That Shakes The Barley, The Great Gatsby...

I could go on but I have dozens 😂 I'll watch anything and I love horror, thrillers etc., but soft, nostalgic, Sofia Coppola-esque movies will always be my favourites.

It might be a stupid question, but I actuaöly don't know a single person who has/had cancer... how did you find out you had cancer? What are the symptoms? What made you go to the doctors office? (because obviously not everyone just calls up the doc to check for cancer...) What was the one thing that made you think "uh oh.. Sth is not right..."

Not a stupid question at all! :)

Well I was consistently sick for a year and deteriorating rapidly. Spent 16+ hours a day asleep. I had all the B symptoms of Hodgkins which I listed somewhere else here. Every cancer has different symptoms but a lot of them overlap like lumps, weightloss and fatigue.

I asked my then-doctor what was wrong so, so many times. Over 20 GP visits in 8 months. And she kept bullshitting me with things like anaemia, low vitamin D levels and eventually she told me I was making it up in my head and being "over dramatic" (her words) so I stopped asking.

I got a real bad chest infection the end of August 2013. I still had it two weeks later. I woke up at 4AM and was coughing so hard I couldn't breathe. It felt like my lung had collapsed. I asked my mother to call an ambulance but she convinced me to wait til 9 and see my GP.

I had a different doctor that day, and thank God. Something felt different this time - I was really fucked up that day, grey in the face and panting when I walked. She sent me to casualty after listening to my lungs. Four hours in casualty later and I was put on a ward, in a bed, and being told nothing about what was wrong.

The next day they told me they suspected it, and I just knew in my heart they were right. The rest is history.

Y'know, more and more, I feel that doctors don't give credence to women's pain as much as they should. Not that I have nearly the symptoms you have, but I have an old injury acting up in my hand and the doctors I've been to think I'm absolutely ridiculous. Like hey, dude, I wouldn't take off work to drive all the way here just for fun. Do you wonder if it all would have been caught earlier if they had just listened to you in the first place?

Literally! In Ireland it's every gender under a certain age, but women would have more onus put on them to say they're imagining their symptoms.

Without a doubt I would have been fine and dandy much quicker if my GP had taken me seriously. Over the course of eight months I visited her 20 damn times, and every time it was the same thing - blood test, more vitamins, exercise, see a therapist, try to calm down. Meanwhile I was wasting away as the cancer grew.

In Ireland, if you're not 40 with a massive lump sticking out from your breast or leg or something they just don't seem to be too bothered. My GP freely admitted to me she didn't send me for further tests because "people your age don't get cancer". It's a disgrace.

Can you sue in these kind of situations?

I probably could have sued, but what would have been the point? Dragging myself through courts while trying to recover from cancer just didn't sound like fun to me at the time.

I regret it sometimes, but I know that that particular doctor has definitely learned her lesson from my case. She cried and called me to apologise when she found out about my diagnosis.

I don't know how it is in Ireland but in the US there is a certain amount of time you have to sue depending on the situation, sometimes it's years so you may be able to still. Also, sueing someone isn't always about "punishing" that person in particular, it's about setting an example and bringing to light a certain problem, in your case it's the fact that your doctor didn't take you serious because of your age. Ageism. There are many laws in place to protect elderly people from ageism but maybe not for younger people since it usually isn't an issue… Anyway, really glad you are doing well and thanks for sharing everything, it's really interesting and important.

Y'know something, since this was brought up earlier I haven't stopped thinking about it. I'm considering my options now more than I ever have and thinking about getting in touch with a solicitor to see if I have a case.

But suing takes money too, so that's another unfortunate issue. I'd have to be reaaaally certain I'd win, and with the sate of the Irish court system I doubt I would.

Thank you for commenting, I appreciate it. :)

Damn..so sorry to hear of what you've been through, but thrilled that you are alive and ok :)

Thank you pal. :) I'm thrilled too!

Do you have any advice for families and friends of those suffering from PTSD or serious illness? What support helped you the most?

I answered something similar already, but it's all about finding the balance between suffocation and isolation. Don't try and micromanage everything they do, but don't leave them feeling as if they have no one.

The greatest support for me during cancer was my best friend. She never let me wallow in self-pity; instead she just let me be who I was in that moment. She'd call around and we'd sit up all night shit-talking girls we didn't like and watching movies, just like always. And when the shit hit the fan, she was there; surgery appointments, shitty chemo days, every single day she was only a phone call away.

Throughout the depression and PTSD, my boyfriend was my support. He helped me take care of myself when I couldn't even find the will to get dressed or brush my hair. He made me laugh, took my mind off it, and when the time came to get help he actively encouraged it.

Be the person you've needed in hard times. That's all. <3

That's so scary, were you certain it was cancer right away? How quickly did you adjust to beating it?

I had a scare late last year for a different kind of cancer but luckily it was just a scare.

Well I was sick for about a year before the diagnosis, and my GP kept telling me it was just anaemia and eventually hypochondria. I knew inside something wasn't right, so I googled it one day and my cancer came up. I shut the laptop, pretended I didn't see the result. Don't self-diagnose via Google right? That's what a hypochondriac does.

When the word cancer was mentioned first by a doctor, I knew. They ran more tests to be sure and everything, so my parents held out hope. But I knew. I screamed and cried and had to be sedated and cried some more. That lasted about a fortnight. Then I grabbed my diagnosis by the balls and set to work beating the shit out of it.

I'm sorry you went through that, but I'm really glad that you're okay and it was just a scare. It's not a nice experience! <3

what were your symptoms?

I had all the classic Hodgkins symptoms as well as a few more serious ones, as the tumours grew.

• Swollen, lumpy armpits/groin.
  *Night-sweats - I'd have to get up at night and change my PJs as well as the towel under me
  *Sudden, inexplicable weight-loss
  *Fatigue
  *Wracking, perpetual cough
  *Anaemia
  *Fevers or chills
  *Itchiness in my legs and arms
  *Constant chest infections
  *Shortness of breath when walking short distances or climbing steps
  

What was the funniest moment during your ordeal with cancer?

There were honestly so many!

My BFF used to put her hands on my head and pretend to be a faith healer when we were in public. She'd be saying things like "Praise JesusAH! Exercise the demons from this sick child!" and I'd roll my eyes and pretend to speak in tongues.

Not a lot of people found that one funny. I did.

Another fave was when I got drunk and ripped my wig off at a Drake concert to get him to notice me.

It worked. Got a shout-out. Regret nothing.

Did you watch Breaking Bad, and if so, what did you think of it?

I flat-out refused to watch it when I was ill because of the cancer storyline.

I started it last year and finished it about three weeks ago. I loved every minute of it and I'm sorry I didn't watch it when I was sick. Heisenberg was a bad-ass and I could have learned a lot from him, attitude-wise.

What are your goals after you recover?

I've been in remission for three years, so cancer-wise I'm about as recovered as they come.

I had a lot of goals and had many hours to carefully build them up in my head, imagining how great my life was going to be when I was certified Healthy Again™️️. College, partying, casual sex, holidays, a job, all of it!

In reality I got depressed, dropped out of college after one year and lost most of my friends.

Now, my goals are as simple as this: stay healthy, travel lots, and make my money. Outside of that, I tend not to plan any more.

What were the odds of a positive outcome for you?

Because I was so young and "mentally fragile" at the time, nobody would ever give me a straight answer on that one in case I had a second emotional breakdown. Instead they used flowery language and dressed it up to make me think I had a really good chance.

For example, if I asked the odds I would get "your cancer has the highest odds of survival out of every kind!" instead of "in stage 4 cases, the odds of survival drop from 90% to 65%."

Due to my lung tumour, I would imagine I had a 50/50 chance.

I must ask my oncologist the next time I see her!

Also, Hodgkin Lymphoma does actually have the highest cure rate of any cancer - 90% in the first two stages, 80% in the third and anywhere from 65% below in the fourth.

Are there different odds of it coming back? All the best to you tho man!

The odds of my cancer coming back in the same place, same manner are virtually none.

If I'm gonna get it again it'll most probably be somewhere else. Which is both comforting and terrifying, but hey - variety is the spice of life.

Thanks dude!

So if you get cancer again, its legit just bad ass luck.

Yeah, that or shitty genes. Cancer is rampant on my mother's side of the family.

My dad's side is all fine tho, so I'm hoping the first bout of cancer was the cruddy genes and the rest of my life will be dictated by the good ones.

This is completely unrealistic and impossible but hey, a gal can dream.

I'm sorry, this isn't really a question, just me being baffled. Your family has a cancer history and your doctor still didn't take you seriously? That should be enough reason to get at least some testing done.

But I'm glad you're okay, and you're an amazing writer. I'd love to buy your book when you get around to writing it.

Yeah, just not a history of Hodgkins. Breast, bowel, liver, skin and brain, but not Hodgkins. And all of the relatives were in their 40s-60s when they got it, so in a fucked up way I can see her reasoning.

If I could go back and speak up about my google findings, I would. It was unprofessional on her part and unfortunate on mine. But oh well!

Thank you so much! This AMA has definitely given me the kick I needed to start. I was very apprehensive before as it's such a personal topic, but I think I'm ready.

What advice would you give to relatives/people of those who have cancer?

During treatment: don't smother them. They're the same person, they just happen to have a tumour. Nothing else has changed. If they need help then they will ask. Trust them to make their own decisions, including on support groups, treatment courses etc. Trying to dictate everything feels like you're taking away the last bit of freedom cancer left behind.

Try to keep them busy. Idle hands are the Devil's work, and so is an idle mind IMO. Chemo is boring, staying at home all day is boring, being sick is boring. Get them Netflix and nice blankets, puzzle books, video games, whatever it is that'll give them something to look forward to on the nights where they can't sleep. There'll be plenty.

If they need to scream/cry/rant, let them. Don't try to soothe them if they're having a rage about cancer - it's therapeutic, and no one will ever understand it exactly like they do.

Always, always ALWAYS visit them in the hospital if they're in for a long-term stay. My town was 40 mins from the hospital and I spent so long wishing more people would visit. :(

Post-treatment: don't expect the world. Let them take their time. If they say they're not up for drinks at the bar etc., don't be mad because "hey, they beat cancer months ago, they're fine!" That's not cool.

If you think they might be depressed, encourage them to see a professional. Mental health post-cancer can really take a nosedive if it's not taken care of properly.

And most importantly, don't take any of it personally. If the person was snippy/upset one day, demand an apology because they're being an asshole and then brush it off.

PS: Don't forget to take care of yourself either! It's hard having a relative or loved one who's going through this. My mother struggled a lot when I was sick and it hurt me to see her in pain. Self-love, seeing a support group or a therapist, and taking care of your own needs is v v v important. :)

Storyteller and writer? Sounds good! Did you have a favourite author/genre?

Haha it makes for interesting work anyway!

I'll read anything. Literally any book you hand me I'll give it a flick through as long as it's not something ridiculous like Nazi sympathizing or automotive repair or some other really specific niche.

Lately its been fantasy series like ASOIAF, but I do love me some Stephen King. Goddamn that man can write a creepy book.

In terms of poetry, it's a tie between Sylvia Plath and Charles Bukowski. Cliche, but I love them both. I've also been feeling some Rumi lately, and Jim Morrison's poetry is a trip from start to end.

After I get over my fantasy obsession I have a stack of classics I want to get through. I don't like being an Irish writer who's never read Ulysses.

The only Nazi book I ever read was Mein Kampf... but just for a research :P

I much prefer novels than poetry. Classics are good... can I suggest you Il Decamerone by Boccaccio?

I'd probably read it out of curiosity to be honest - but no other pro Nazi books hahaha

Really? I think poetry is good for a short, sharp burst of emotion. You can pick a collection up and put it down a thousand times over and you'll always get something different from it.

I'm always open for book recommendations! I've bookmarked it for later purchase. :)

What's your favourite food?

I'm all about the carbs. Pasta has my heart. Any kind really, but I love lasagna - so basic, I know.

I love fruit and my favourite thing to have for breakfast is porridge with berries mixed in.

Also a fan of pineapple and ham pizza. Fuck the president of Iceland, he doesn't know shit.

Do you have a lingering fear that the cancer may come back? I feel like I would. On a lighter note, what is your favorite whiskey?

Sometimes, especially if I've been having recurring symptoms that remind me of my pre-diagnosis warning signs. But I've learned to let it go for the most part. When I get a gentle cough now, the first thing I think of is no longer "shit fuck shit it's cancer again oh god someone help me". So that's nice.

My favourite whiskey is Jim Beam. I'll drink it over ice or with cherry coke.

I gotta say, I was not expecting someone from Ireland to pick Jim Beam! I like it too though :-).

Jim is my one true love. <3

I like Jameson, but as far as Irish whiskies go I can't say I'm a patriot.

To help me become a more paranoid person, what were some of your pre-diagnosis warning signs?

All of the B symptoms of Hodgkins Lymphoma including but not limited to fatigue, lumpy armpits, excessive drenching night-sweats, anaemia, constant cough for 6+ months, pains in my neck when I drank alcohol (still get those), breathlessness when I walked short distances or climbed steps, and dull aching chest pain when yawning/coughing etc.

I answered this somewhere here already, I know I missed a few there. Other people's paranoia makes me feel better about mine! 😂

So your blood test results through out the year that you felt symptoms and were called a hypochondriac never showed any signs of something being wrong? Red blood cells/ white blood cells, etc?

I was severely anemic and my vitamin D level dropped to 14, whereas a regular level is up around 70-75. I was dying and all she could do was tell me to get more exercise and hand me vitamins. My white blood cell count started to fluctuate too. But Hodgkins Lymphoma won't show up on any blood test, only scans, which I was never sent for despite asking.

I also had severe bowel issues at the time which she put down to IBS, and then tried to blame everything that was wrong with me on a bad diet.

How has your attitude and general perspective during daily life changed after having come so close to death?

Honestly? It hasn't really, aside from a healthy dose of empathy and humility.

Everyone expects you to come out the other side with the scales fallen from your eyes. You've been given another chance, don't waste it! Appreciate every day! etc.

The reality is a lot bleaker. Between dealing with the fallout of the illness both physically and emotionally, and trying to rejoin civilization after months of isolation and hospital corridors, there isn't a lot of room for new perspectives. Not when you're trying to rebuild your old ones.

Today, three years post-chemo fog, I can say that the only way my perspective has permanently changed is through empathy. I am much more empathetic than I was before. I donate to charities regularly(especially the ones that helped me!), help anyone that needs help, listen to anyone that needs it without judgement etc.. We're not gonna be here for long, so why be a dickhead to people who are already struggling?

Did you smoke a lot of pot / eat edibles during your chemo?

Nope, as weed is illegal here it was difficult for me to get my hands on. I smoked once the entire time and it did nothing for the pain tbh but then again it was hash, not green.

My dad was hellbent on getting me to try cannabis oil, but I refused out of stubbornness.

Today I smoke a lot though, surprisingly enough.

Do you live in the USA? Are you or your family in a load debt? Do you have pain daily? Did you ever want to just pull the plug?

I am Irish so no, I was covered by the Medical Card - I guess it's like Obamacare. I would have died otherwise because I'm from a low-income family.

No pain anymore. When I was sick I was in constant pain that was usually solved with codeine and Valium. Many blissed-out afternoons spent watching cartoons and drooling on myself.

And yeah, a couple of times I wanted to rip out the IV and call it a day. But I didn't have the luxury of it, so I ambled bravely onward.

Well god bless your brave soul. I'm a 22 year old male in America and I'm curious, what is the most important thing in life to you, if any one thing?

Are you active? Can you run or play sports?

The most important thing I guess would be being happy in myself. Self-confidence and contentedness with my life take top priority.

Yes, I pole dance as a hobby. I can run and play sports, but I've never been any good at either.

I wasn't physically able for a long time, it took about two years for me to rebuild myself.

You said one of your goals is to travel lots. Where do you wish to travel or where have you already travelled?

Since recovering, I've been to Vienna and Budapest as well as places in Ireland that I never visited before.

My list is loooong. Top three currently are Venice, Bali and Machu Picchu. I'd like to do every major city in Western Europe, as well as a driving tour of Italy (my boyfriend and I are currently planning this one!)

I want to do the cliché cross-US roadtrip, and I'd like to do a historical tour of the world as well - concentration camps, catacombs and everything in-between. Asia, South America and Africa all have places on the list too.

If I get through a quarter of the list before I die then I'll be doing well.

Does your BF know your BAF?

Come again?

BAF = bad as fuck

I presume he knows, yes. :P

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Firstly, high-five on the remission status. Excellent news. ;)

Secondly, I sought help from my GP. I was 1.5 years in remission when I knew I needed help. I was prescribed antidepressants and went to see a therapist. After about 8 months, I was coming back to myself and today I'm finally okay.

Don't be afraid to seek support. It's there, waiting for you. Find a medical professional you like and trust, and tell them. And if you ever need someone to talk to, inbox me. <3

I have struggled with the fear of having cancer and heart problems or any deadly disease for that matter, for the past 2 years and I've been tested for pretty much everything! And "all is fine" but I am convinced I have something wrong almost like I feel too good for it to be true. And as soon as I start feeling a bit off I go see my doctor to get checked. I guess what I'm trying to say is what should I be looking out for as a "sign" and is there any way for me to stop worrying?

Best thing to do is divert and distract. If it enters your head and you know it's not logical, push it out with something else like getting up and moving around or singing your favourite song in your head. If you're really panicking, say it out loud to someone else - hearing it out loud can sometimes make you re-assess.

I know how horrible hyper-awareness of your body can feel, and it's not nice to think that every other mole is cancer or every chest pain is a heart attack.

If you've made it this far though and you trust your doctor, then there's no reason to be worried. Keeping an eye on these things is important but don't let them consume you. There are so many other more interesting things to worry about. ;) ❤

what 5 things would u try to experience if u could be the opposite sex for a day?

1. Masturbate
   
2. Walk down a street alone at night without putting my keys between my knuckles as a weapon
   
3. Do the dick helicopter bc why not
   
4. Pee standing up without soaking my thighs
   
5. Get a blowjob because they look fun

Conversely, what advantages (physically) do you see being a girl instead of a guy?

Again, completely off-topic but I did say ask anything.

We get to play with our own boobs.

According to some guys a female orgasm is way more intense and complicated - I like the complication of it.

Also very hairy backs, faces and chests just seems like an awful effort. Shaving to the knee is an effort for me alone, can't imagine having to tackle my titties and my back too.

And penises just hang there, like do they not stick to your leg or flop around a lot? Everything we have is tucked away safely. Mother nature's pocket.

would you try the bad stuff, like getting hit in the nuts or a boner in public?

These questions are incredibly off topic even if they're making me giggle like a schoolgirl. But no, I would not try the bad stuff.

I only get 24 hours to play with my penis, I'm not gonna fuck that up with a kick to the sack.