IamA 25 year old male who went through 5 families in the terrible foster care system AMA!

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Good question. I never really thought about this. I would say, let the child know his/her opinion really, really MATTERS. And if you can, let him/her know of their situation. For me, I thought for the longest time that what I was doing was completely normal. Not that everyone else was doing it, but I thought it was completely normal. Everything that came with my process. I wasn't really aware that I was different and that it was okay to be different. I sort of figured that out the hard way by saying things i shouldn't have or messing up something, and then maybe getting bullied for it in school or laughed at. When you're in a system like that, it's just people constantly telling you what to do. Like "you're with us now, you do this this and this". It was like my new homes never took into consideration that it was actually a HUGE change and could take some getting used to. Therefore the way I would respond to that "getting used to" was sometimes welcomed with punishment or visits to the doctor or therapist. Just in general be understanding. I'm kind of going off on a tangent here but to return to my original point of making sure they know their opinions matter, I'll give you an example. So I would visit my therapist and social worker every few weeks or so, and they would always ask me the same questions. Like, how are you, what did you do this week, blah blah. My 4th family was actually super abusive (they had 7 other kids in the house all but 2 adopted, and it was clear they didn't like children so I've thought in recent years they did this for some sort of government pay off, but i could be COMPLETELY wrong here). And so I would tell these people about my family, and how I hated them and wanted to leave. I swear to god, that never amounted to anything. EVER. Those are the adults. They're supposed to help. If they can't help, who can? i would think. And so I just gave up. I didn't know about other methods of communication besides my family, the social worker, and the therapist. One time I told my brother I hated my father and wanted to leave, he then told my father, who then beat me. So I just grew up thinking everything I said was useless. So yeah, sorry for the long story, but just make sure they realize they matter, even though they're in a system that makes them feel like they may have no control.

I'm adopted myself. The main thing I would consider is don't treat a Foster/adopted child any different than your natural children. No lesser Christmas presents, more chores than the other. I was forced to do my homework at the kitchen table every night when the others weren't. I was blamed for everything that broke or was damaged whether I did it or not. I was forced to keep my room spotlessly clean when the others were a disater. When my parents went out of town for the weekend, I was forced to go to Grandma's while the others stayed home alone even though the age difference was only 6 months a 2 years. Every year, even well into my mid-teens I was forced to go to summer camp while the others didn't have to go. The last 4 years I went I hated it.The last year I went I was like almost the oldest kid in camp surrounded by 10 and 12 year olds. I grew up thinking I was less important than the other children. This applies to step-families, too. Please, just treat them the same. I'm 49 now and believe it or not, when talking about it, it still fucks me up.

Yeah, my 4th family would send me on respite. Basically they send you to another family who takes care of you for a couple weeks. It's funny, because they did this like 5 times, so you could say I've lived in even more homes really. I looked at some respite websites years later and it made me sick that they were like, happy parents in the advertisements just hanging out with kids. Yeah, at some of those homes that did happen, but the context behind it was so dark for me. My parents would basically get sick of me, and then take a break from me. How messed up is that? They did this to me one christmas and new years as well. i still remember the kids from that family opening presents while i just sat there. Ohhhh it kind of cracks me up that something of that nature even exists. I was the only child they sent away like that too, so in that way i also felt very different.

If like to add onto this as a 25yo female who grew up in foster care and was never adopted. Never hold the fact that they are foster kids and are seemingly disposable to you over their heads. It's the reason I have such bad anxiety today. Anytime I would smart off or forget a chore foster parents are never shy to say 'I can have you shipped out of here with one phone call' and as a kid who already feels unwanted it's the worst thing you can do. Don't treat kids like the puppy you just got from the pound and if you decide you don't like it after a week you can just send it back or send it away. All too often this is the case.

I can have you shipped out of here with one phone call'

God, that's like out of a movie. I'm sorry you had to go through that as a child.

So realistic too. I'm not even kidding when I say that foster parents really DO threaten with that line OFTEN. Of course not all of them, but literally all of mine did.

I was just looking at "lists of kids" in the system today and it kind of makes me sick that some families actually pick out kids like that....I mean i don't know. I met someone like you in real life once after I was adopted. Being adopted for me, unlike in the movies, wasn't all it was cracked up to be. As i said, even after being adopted i was still threatened to get booted out, and still had issues obviously. Still felt disposable. The thing was, at least in the one particular instance of meeting this girl, who was maybe 17 and not adopted (while i was also 17 at the time) I couldn't talk to her. I just couldn't. I tried, but it was a totally different relation. It would be different today if I talked to her, but i was out with some friends, and she was also out with some friends at a park. She was just in with the wrong crowed, doing the wrong things and talking very sadly about her foster situation. She was joking to look cool but i knew it hurt. I wasn't really in the position to tell her my own story. I knew if i brought up the fact that i had been adopted, it would have, at the time at least, made her feel like i one upped her. She was just in a totally different world than me at the time. I remember her walking away, saying literally the craziest of things, and i walked away. both in our similar, but completely different worlds.

Also, how are you doing now? I would like to PM you if that's okay btw. I have a friend who is 26 and went through the foster program himself but is homeless now and I wish I could understand/relate more in order to help him more.

please pm me. I'll try to help

So... What would you say were positive/negative experiences for you?

Are there benefits in being in 5 different families?

What's the biggest change/effect these changes had on you?

Thank you for the AMA!:)

oh my god this would be a huuuuge answer and so I'm going to try to make it very short, and if people want to branch off of this, it's fine.

I would say there aren't really benefits to being with 5 different families really. None that anyone would enjoy having anyway. I'm used to saying goodbye and moving. So moving is like, no huge deal for me at all. (my brother is the complete opposite of this) Relationship are easy (and very hard at times, (complicated topic)) to break off of. You're getting 5 very different, and in my case i mean VERY different families, who all have an opinion about you that matters very, very much.

Positive experiences: I can't really think of any. I met a lot of people, and had a lot of going away parties.

Negative experiences: Abuse, depression, i was on very strange medication that the doc took me off of as soon as i moved to the 5th home. Lots and lotttts of questions on my mind for years. Extremely jaded when it comes to love. For example, I'm 25 and have yet to been in a serious relationship. I'm a decent looking guy, girls like me, but it's just so hard to trust love after being thrown away so many times. At least, that's my excuse. Not ever feeling like a part of a family/culture. I know it sounds weird, but I feel like I've never felt real family love. It's just like, people who took care of me. Even though I love my father now and am grateful to him, it just feels like he doesn't know me. In fact, it feels like I really can't relate to anyone based on experience. This makes talking to people or feeling accepted kind of hard sometimes.

I'd say the BIGGEST effect right now is probably just my own brain being strange. I'm doing well now but it just feels like there's a void in me sometimes. About my biological family I guess. I have two sisters that were separated from me and my brother and i haven't talked to them in like 17 years. This kind of thinking effects me every day. As far as positive things go, I have friends that obviously i would have never made without moving. I'm in graduate school which trust me, would have most likely NEVER happened in any of the other homes. So yeah.

Did any of the families try to push religious values on you and your brother? If so, has that affected your beliefs?

yesyesyes. Ironically my father now is a pastor and he really doesn't push religion on me. I mean i went to church when i was younger, but it isn't pushed on me now. He isn't a freak about it, which is strange because you'd think he would be. The third family me and my brother were with can be classified as religious freaks i suppose. I don't intend that as a slur there. The first time i was with them, i saw a huge building and said "oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my god" and the mother immediately reprimanded me and told me to never take the lord's name in vain.

Are you planning to accept Foster kids of your own to fix it for one kid at a time?

I've thought about this. It's not a decision I can make currently, but I'd be so happy to do so.

Hey. So what was the main reason of so many families? Was there one where you wanted to stay, but were unable to?

Hello. In foster care, families don't need to adopt you immediately or at all. They basically keep you for a while and decide whether or not they want you in the end. I assume it isn't ALWAYS this decision process. Some families most likely know they are going to have to give you up, and may be doing a favor, taking care of you for some time. But in my case, every family would tell me (and my brother) that we'd be staying with them forever. This promise was never actually kept until the 5th home. I wanted to stay at all the homes actually. Moving was brutal as a kid because you had to make friends and start all over every single time. And I mean ALL OVER. It wasn't like moving today. If I were to get a job somewhere and move, I'd still be in contact with friends etc. Back then it was like "okay bye everyone forever", which happened 4 times. It's like living 5 totally different lives. So to avoid this, I really just wanted to stay with every one, with maybe a tiiiiiiny exception to the 4th home because they were physically abusive parents.

What do you know about your biological parents?

I basically found them (not my parents, but the rest of my family) a few years ago when technically i wasn't supposed to. Basically, they had been looking for me and my brother but the agency kept telling them for years that me and my brother weren't ready to meet with them. I remember hearing this for the first time and thinking it was so weird that the agency would make decisions like that, even after me and my brother were adults, but my god were they right, for me at least. It would take too long to explain right at the moment, but the curiosity quickly turned into reality. Trust me, you can't just accept a brand new family, and a brand new life. Brand new people that love you and you don't even know them, brand new people you feel you need to act excited for. Stories you don't want to hear (my sister was raped in some big case and my parents were sort of....bad people). Just things you don't want to hear/don't have the slightest clue how to deal with. And so it was a mistake. I actually sort of shut them out. I only messaged them on facebook a few times and then realized i couldn't go through with it. And this was years ago and i STILL can't. I just feel really terrible because the first thing my aunt told me was that my grandmother wanted to see me so badly and technically i could have went to see her. She passed away while i just shut them all out. I just looked out the window one morning and sad I couldn't do it. It's not like i didn't try. It just felt impossible. Strangely though, my brother can. I told him and he was all about it. He's told me most of what I know. We don't talk about it anymore, really though. I know next to nothing about my biological parents though besides they were into some bad stuff. I don't even know my mothers name.

Was there a particular family you wish you had stayed with or miss? and have you stayed in contact with any of them?

I basically answer this above. There was one family that gave me their contact information and a photo book to remember them by. I actually did contact them after moving into the 5th home and they visited once. I haven't seen them or talked to them since then. it's a weird situation because current parents usually are understandably uncomfortable with such a thing and the agency thinks it's unhealthy (i'm pretty sure)

What was your attitude toward school? What would be your advice working with students from foster care as a (teacher, counselor, administrator, etc)?

Well, I did horrible in school at first. Like, really bad. When I'd move, I would focus on making friends and fitting in. I had been bullied etc, and so this came first. The transitioning period would consume most of my thoughts. Actually, even after getting adopted i switched school districts a good 4 times. I would say they need to take into consideration that what i said above could be reasons for lack of interest in school work. My brain was just filled with other thoughts. Also, i wasn't even always on the same things the other students were getting taught when i switched, so it made things very difficult. I wasn't really compensated for my troubles i suppose. I really buckled down in my last years of highschool and actually got straight A's. After that, I was used to that sort of discipline, and so I tried to continue with that. Before, I was used to being a failure and so i just continued failing. During my last school switch, i told myself that was the time i would change it all, and I did. I seriously don't even belong in graduate school and it's a miracle I'm even here. So all and all, I'd be a little slower with those children if they need it. Realize why they may be struggling and show them that they actually matter instead of brushing them off as that one bad student. This last part should really be applied to all teachers and students, though.

I'm considering foster children in my long-term future. How many of the families had their own biological children, and did that make the environment of the family different than those who do not have biological children? How did it finally feel to be adopted after going through multiple families? Did you have any say in your adoption?

They all had biological children besides the last home. It's different, yeah. because this way, you kind of know what the norms are through the children and it can be a bit easier to assimilate. They are your first friends (usually) and they are right there all the time. Usually they were nice and accepting even though we did feel "different". I honestly didn't really feel anything getting adopted. The word had been thrown around so much with no results it was just a word with no meaning to me. My fathers a great person, but even he would randomly get super mad and threaten to give my brother and i away as punishment even AFTER we were adopted. So it basically had zero meaning to me. I would say i had no say, or at least didn't know a say was available to me.

I hope you don't mind me posting this here. This is what I posted in another comment, but felt maybe I could answer your question with it. Sorry if it's out of place. Let me know and I'll delete it if so.

I'm adopted myself. The main thing I would consider is don't treat a Foster/adopted child any different than your natural children. No lesser Christmas presents, more chores than the other. I was forced to do my homework at the kitchen table every night when the others weren't. I was blamed for everything that broke or was damaged whether I did it or not. I was forced to keep my room spotlessly clean when the others were a disater. When my parents went out of town for the weekend, I was forced to go to Grandma's while the others stayed home alone even though the age difference was only 6 months a 2 years. Every year, even well into my mid-teens I was forced to go to summer camp while the others didn't have to go. The last 4 years I went I hated it.The last year I went I was like almost the oldest kid in camp surrounded by 10 and 12 year olds. I grew up thinking I was less important than the other children. This applies to step-families, too. Please, just treat them the same. I'm 49 now and believe it or not, when talking about it, it still fucks me up.

post away please, i'm glad you're here.

Were there any characters in fiction - books, films, TV or anything else - with whom you felt a particular affinity? I don't necessarily mean that their situation was specifically similar to yours, just that you felt they were a kindred spirit in some way.

This is a great question and sort of a funny story I tell sometimes. I feel similar to Casshern from a show called Casshern sins. Anyone who knows the premise of the show will probably think it quite sad. He is an immortal that watches all his new friends die or turn on him. I sort of felt that way in the system. Also, in my 4th home, it was abusive and there were 7 or 8 other children, and also the family HATED me for whatever reason. They even sent me on respite for christmas and new years. And so really, they weren't raising me at all as parents. I never talked to them. I also didn't pay attention in school. I watched toonami religiously though. And so the host tom, with his speeches, and goku/vegeta as a duo had HUGE impacts on who i became. It's hard to explain, but funnily enough i mentioned this to one of my best friends years later and he said that it actually explains a lot. The joke is that i was raised by goku and vegeta. It's sort of hilarious, but in a way it's true. I took what they said and did VERY seriously but also realistically at the same time.

Have you ever met your birth parents? If not do you have any desire to meet them?

I answer above.

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Lots of fights because of lots of bullies. Maybe if I'm up to it I'll share the fight stories later. They're mostly of me getting beat up. I wouldn't say fake brothers and sisters though. I didn't like all of them at every home, but i mean they were alright. Loved most of them dearly, actually.