I am comedian Judy Gold. AMA.

Do you still let Colin Quinn touch your breasts every time he sees you?

I have let him, recently. But they're really not what they used to be.

You die and go to heaven. You are allowed to view any statistic from your life that you want. What do you look at?

That's a good one.

Probably how many times I hugged my kids.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, "Smoking Gun Presents: World's Dumbest" became one of my favorite shows to watch and unwind to. You were definitely my favorite and in my opinion funniest cast member. How did you get involved and how are your relationships with the other cast members?

First of all, I never saw the other cast members. Everything was done on a green screen. So everything was sort of taped separately, except with me and Brad. I just - the executive producer asked me to come in and do it, and I loved it.

And thank you!

how often does lauren fuck up your coffee?

Lauren's pretty good about the coffee.

He forgets important things, like calling people back.

But sometimes my coffee is cold. He does not know how to make a good pot of coffee. He needs one of those automatic coffee-maker-brewing things.

He knows how to buy a nice bagel, I'll tell you that much!

What's your favourite joke to tell?

My favorite joke - OH MY GOD.

That's a good one.

I think my all-time favorite joke would be my Anne Frank joke, about when I visited the Anne Frank house, and I imagined my family there.

What in your profession do people think is easy but is actually difficult?

I think people think that we sit around all day, and only work the hour we're onstage.

And I also feel like people don't realize the amount of rejection that we have to deal with.

Very true, the best jokes just seem like natural observations anyone could make in their daily lives, so people think they could easily make such jokes on stage, when in reality, you need to observe these things in a certain way which makes you unique and have a kickass delivery. I've heard Seinfeld talk in a Howard Stern interview about how a set can take 20 years to create.

Um, listen, thank you and what are you doing tonight?

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OH my god. OK, I wasn't really serious about that.

How was it having to be in the same room as Andy Dick when you were on The View?

I love Andy.

It was fine. He's funny. Pretty hilarious. You never know what you're gonna get with Andy, I'll tell you that much.

Fancy going to my local for a pint?

ABSOLUTELY.

You buy Trans-atlantic air fare. A hotel & associated costs and ill buy you the beer 😅

Okay.

How much is first class?

Colin Quinn or Louie CK, who's funnier? On stage and in person? Also, which show was more fun to be on "Louie", or "Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn"?

(Sorry, I just wanted to fuck with ya a bit with these questions hehe, huge fan of yours since I first saw you on Tough Crowd years ago, and love your Podcast (: )

Do you honestly think that I'm going to answer that fucking question?

OH MY GOD. Just completely different, both. Immensely, immensely great experiences.

Aww, thank you! Let's get a pint together at that guy's bar.

LOL, Well I had to try <3 Love ya Judy, and thanks much for doing this AMA.

Ah! Love you back.

How did you come up with the concept of your podcast?

Well, I'm always pissed off about something. And I didn't want to talk about the same - I don't want people to come on and tell the same stories they tell on every other podcast or radio / TV show - so I wanted to talk about something that people were passionate about, and people are REALLY passionate about things that piss them off. And I'm always pissed off, so...

How do you feel about the stigma womaen comics get?

I feel like women have it hard in every profession, except for teaching and nursing. But it's more of a reflection on the person who is creating the stigma than it is on the comic. And those people who have issues with female comics should go fuck themselves.

Who would you really want to work with (living or dead?).

That is a good one.

That is a fucking good one!

Who would I wanna work with?

I think...I've worked with so many great people... I think I would like to... I'm gonna say the first person that comes to my mind is Eleanor Roosevelt. But I don't think she was that funny. So I'm gonna go with Fanny Brice.

She's what the movie FUNNY GIRL with Barbra Streisand was about. I probably would've loved to have worked with Eve Arden. They're all old fucking performers though.

It's so fucking annoying. There's so many people I wanna work with. But I've worked with so many people!

I know this is weird, but Angela Lansbury. I mean, she's so fucking amazing. And also, I'd like to work with the one trainer who can get you to lose like 30 pounds in a week.

What was your best time in your life?

Well, I hope I haven't experienced it yet. But thus far, best time? I think when I was a young mom, and I used to take the kids to the park, and we'd play baseball.

Was Worlds Dumbest supposed to be really corny and lame on the jokes?

The network definitely had input about how risqué we could be.

I think you (whomever you are) would enjoy the stuff they didn't put on the air.

But you should also know that for the people that were not joke writers - like the Tonya Hardings and the people who weren't comedians on the show - had jokes written for them. So... yeah.

Judy Gold , what was your take on Marc Maron interviewing the President?

I haven't listened to it yet. But I have to honestly say I was really shocked. I couldn't believe he got the fucking President. I mean... it made me love the President more. And then I guess the word I would be looking for is "jealous?"

When are you getting your own TV show?

PLEAAAAAAAAASE!

Goddamnit already. I've been trying forever.

I guess when I'll be playing my grandmother?

Will truTV's World's Dumbest ever return? If not, why not? I loved you on World's Dumbest.

I have no idea. I have NO clue.

Thank you very much!

I wish. I really wish. It was a really fun, fun show to do. And I have no idea why the hell - I mean, people love it. I don't know what their problem is.

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Well, check out my podcast (http://judygold.com/podcast/) if you really wanna know who I am.

Hi Judy, love what you do, you're a fantastic comedian.

Do you regard comedy acting as a different discipline than club comedy? Why or why not?

Separate question, who are some of your favourite road comics?

Absolutely.

There's no fourth wall in a comedy club. There are also people drinking, and talking, and wait-people, you know, servers... they're completely different, one's scripted and one's not. You're saying other people's words, when you're acting. And you're being directed by other people.

Oh my god, SO many. I mean when I went on the road, it was... you know what's a treat, is being able to go on the road with other female comics. Because I've always been on the road with male comics, but when I get to work with Kathleen Madigan or Wendy Liebman, Cathy Ladman, that's a real treat.

How is it working with Louis CK?

OH MY GOD, AMAZING. He's so smart. And an incredible director. And I've known him for almost 30 years. So it was just incredible. He's so - I just, I dunno - he really knows what he wants, and it's so satisfying when you can fulfill a director's vision. He's great.

I love the fact that he can do his own humor. A lot of companies are scared to do certain humor because it's too "risqué". Then they try to shove their own brand of comedy and expect comedians to follow along. For example. Dave Chappelle and comedy central Aaron Mcgruder (creator or the boondocks). It's nice to see Louie doing his own brand of comedy than some board approved comedy.

It's amazing. You know, he does it himself. Look, I've been on many sitcoms on the networks, and it's not the artist's show. It's the network's show. So it is nice to see these places on the internet or networks, wherever, where artists can really, truly be true to their art.

What inspired you to become a comedian?

Someone dared me to do it in college. And I did standup on the floor of my dorm, in the lobby.

And I never wanted to do anything else again.

What was it like on 2 Broke Girls?

OH MY GOD, so much fun! The creator of 2 Broke Girls has been a friend of mine since I was 22 years old. And I just loved it. Garrett Morris and Jennifer Coolidge. That was just such a treat to work with them. And Beth and Kat were amazing.

What's your creative process when creating a standup set? Do you have a specific routine? Do you write out your jokes? Where do you get your inspiration?

I actually always have a notebook with me. And whenever I have any idea - I don't care where I am - I will write it down immediately, otherwise I'll forget. And then I will look at all my stuff, before I go onstage, I have a list with the topic and specifics, it's like an outline, and I just do it onstage, and I'll bring them up onstage. You NEVER know. I could think something is hilarious, and then I get onstage and nothing. But I'm one of those comics who never stops trying the same joke if I think it's funny. It's hard for me to give it up, yeah.

I like your hair. What's the daily routine to keep them look good?

I only wash it twice a week.

And I don't towel-dry it. I just let it do its own thing.

Believe me, I have plenty of bad hair days.

What does it take to be a successful standup comedian? What advice would you give to a woman considering "trying it out"? Does funny in daily life, always translate to the stage?

Absolutely not.

It does not translate. The one thing you need to do, when you're a standup, is get onstage as MUCH as possible. You can sit and write jokes all day, but you can only learn to be onstage by being onstage.

Do you ever feel guilty because of some joke that was a bit inappropriate? And if so, is that joke out of your scenario in later performances?

I don't feel guilty about jokes. But I have had times where I'm like Oh, what are you guys celebrating? and they're like "Our mom just died last week, and we just wanted to have a laugh."

The other one that's really good - there was a guy once in the front row wearing sunglasses, and I was totally picking on him, and then I looked down and saw a cane and realized Oh my god, he's blind. And then I made fun of myself like, "I knew you were blind." And I made blind jokes. Like "I am blind to a LOT of things." But there are certain things you have to acknowledge. You can't just go "Oh, sorry!"

Good morning all!

Ms. Gold, you've just been offered your dream job. What would it be?

Oh god, what's my dream job?

I'd love to be a late-night talk show host. Really. I think I'm more late-night.

Judy,

I'm a waiter

I ask this in the most sincere, non anti Semitic way but why do jewish women do all those things they do when they are at a restaurant?

I mean with the sauce on the side and the steam this and no salt on that and the this and the that

feh

Well, first of all, that is Anti-Semitic.

I think that I guess these women, Jewish or not, know exactly what they want. And they don't want someone choosing how much dressing to put on their salad. And they should be able to have it any way they want.

And yes, that is Anti-Semitic. You should ask every woman that does this if they're Jewish. And I guarantee you that they wouldn't all be - there'll be plenty of Christians that like their dressing on the side.

couldn't you have just called me an "asshole"?

Yeah, but I'm trying out some new material.

in spite of all of this, I still hope you get that sitcom where you slide down that curved lady side burn you used to have

Thank you. Me too!

I heard you on a podcast (it was WTF, I believe) and you said you were from Clark. I'm from Colonia! You talked about summers at the swim club -- was it Ashbrook by any chance?

It's either Ashbrook or Oakbrook. It mighta been!

Whichever one it was, I hated going there.

I remember your guest appearance on 2 Broke Girls! Cronuts or cakefries?

Both really, really disgusting. I mean, they're just fried BREAD.

I'm going to go with a nice piece of Challah. Or a nice plain croissant over both of those things.

Plus, they were like sitting around, like they'd get 'em in the morning, and we'd shoot later, so they were not... They were good, but it's like Ugh, how many pieces of fried fucking bread can you eat?

Would you ever consider being a co host on the view?

DUHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Are the Republican candidates running for the upcoming presidential election a comedians gift from the gods? And who's your favorite?

Oh, they're all so terrific.

Definitely a gift.

I mean, the best one, the Chris Christie jokes will never end. Especially with that photo of him in a baseball uniform.

Would you ever do celebrity apprentice? You and Kathy Griffin would be great on that show once Donald Trump drops out of the race.

That one looks like a really tough one.

The thing that I have a problem with doing that show is that you have to raise so much money. I'm not good at asking people for money. I'm good at asking people to laugh, just not for money.

You know, I've done so many competition shows, and they're really anxiety-provoking! I already have fucking anxiety!

So maybe not. But never say never.

What is your spirit animal?

The fuck is a spirit animal?

Probably a giraffe.

Hi Judy, your my favorite female that comes on the Opie and Jimmy show, I was just wondering, Kill, Marry, Fuck. Jim Norton, Greg "Opie" Hughes, Sherrod Small?

Oh god. Well, I'd definitely marry Opie.

Oh my god, I don't know!

I mean, I'd have to fuck Sherrod. But I love Jim, I can't kill him. If I was going to kill Jim, it would have to be after he farted in my face like 12 fucking times, because all he does is fart.

With marriage equality being allowed by the courts, what do you think your activism will focus on next? (Thanks for that too, as someone who can get married anywhere as of Friday!)

There's still a lot of battles to be fought in states like Alabama, and Texas. A lot of these people aren't abiding by it. But I do think we need to focus on getting our leaders to make decision based on facts, science, and not the Bible, or their Bible. I think if people could trust their own thoughts, instead of reading that book, read a million books, and you could use that as a moral compass, FINE, but not as the basis for every moment you live and breathe. There's other evidence and facts. That really pisses me off, especially on the Supreme Court. I mean, you gotta remember, there were still 4 Justices that said just the most horrible things.

What happened to the spit curl? Every time I hear you on Opie & Jim, I belt out "IT'S JUDY'S SHOOOOW!".

That's right, 20 year career and I latch on to one dumb joke you did about your hair in the 90's. What?

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.

Well, it's long-gone, and it's never coming back. But i do love when people come up to me and sing "IT's JUDY'S SHOWWWWW!"

Hey Judy I love when you are on Opie & Jimmy!!! Before you became a comedian, who would you say were your 3 main comedic influences?!

Definitely Joan Rivers.

I'd say Richard Pryor. I love Phyllis Diller. And I love Toty Fields.