I am Stuart Ashens AKA "Ashens", YouTube-based comedy human. AMA

Due to a cut and paste error I have spelled my own surname wrong in the title. Already this is the greatest AMA ever!

It will only convince people that Ashens is your actual surname, haha.

I feel my credit rating will suffer as a result of this confusion one day.

Hi ashens, what is the funniest video you've done and why is it the one with the violin?

It's the one with the violin, because it's the one with the violin.

Who is your girlfriend and is she Dan?

Christ, have you SEEN him in a dress?

How often is the famous brown sofa cleaned?

Technically it can't be cleaned as it is now comprised of over 75% dirt.

Hello Stuart.

Any chance of a Nerd³ - Ashens crossover?

Cheers!

That would be difficult - he lives in Latveria now or somewhere.

Will you post more pop-stations reviews?

Yep, there's going to be a POP Station renaissance in 2015.

1.) Where did you get your PhD 2.) Why don't you use it anymore?

1.) I'm not telling. So ner.

2.) I don't think I've ever really used it in a meaningful sense. It just makes me sound scarier when I write complaint letters.

Would you use it in say, applying for a job?

Only if it was directly relevant. If not you get your application chucked in the box marked OVERQUALIFIED, as I have discovered to my cost.

Has anyone ever sent you a food item that you would't eat or started to do a video of but stopped because of how inedible it was?

Not yet, but I refuse to open surstromming due to the possibility of STINKY DEATH JUICE - my understanding is it's like the Bog of Eternal Stench from Labyrinth.

Anyone else say you remind them of Simon Pegg? or is it just me...

Nobody has ever said that in my entire life. Also, I am a crazy liar.

Hi Ashens! I'm happy I've finally managed to be on time for an AMA, so here it goes:

How much storage room do you actually need for all the tat you haven’t reviewed yet?

What was the single most disgusting thing you’ve ever eaten?

The garage is full. The spare room is full. The office is full. One cupboard in the bedroom is full. HELP.

Disgusto-thing = far too old baby food.

Is the sofa your actual sofa? Or is it now kept for the videos only?

It has to be an actual sofa as it's too big to keep as a prop!

Do the people at Poundland/Poundworld/99p ever recognize you?

No! They have hundreds of people go in every single day, and I only show my face once a week. I'm just one in a very big crowd.

Has the sofa ever caught fire in an unfortunate tat burning incident?

A blob of melting My Little Pony burned a hole in it. This led to SAFETY PROTOCOL OMICRON being enforced at all times.

What made you decided to pursue a feature film, given that the majority of your content was previously tat reviews? (Not to nock the tat reviews, they are of course amazing.)

Scripted comedy is something I'd been wanting to get back into for years. And if you have a chance to make a feature film, and you do not make a feature film, then you are Poo-Head McWasteLife.

What is the current state of the brown sofa?

0.7 on the Mank Scale.

Do you still own the AirPhone?

I don't know! Maybe. Have a feeling we may have given it away to one of the GameChild movie backers though.

How did you come to the conclusion "I'm going to review tat on the internet"?

Head injury.

Are you happy the A11 is now a dual-carriageway?

Did you see that crazy special edition of the EDP with the wrap-around cover and free glossy magazine commemorating the opening? It was like something out of The Day Today.

If YouTube content creation wasn't your full-time career, what would you a) want to be doing and b) likely be doing?

a) Millionaire playboy

b) Not being a millionaire playboy

What is the strangest piece of tat that you've reviewed? Also: What's your favourite tat?

Some of those knock-off He-Man figures give me the heebie jeebies. My favourite is probably the Stay Fresh Cheese Bags, as they are both functional and hilarious.

Hi Ashens! What is one worst thing that you know of (or could imagine) that you haven't reviewed yet?

Piers Morgan.

Hello, my name would be Bed8 or BedVega depending on what I want to be called these days, and I have a couple questions for you since I've been following you since the beginning.

1) From what I know, another youtuber that I follow named Nerdcubed took some inspiration from you, have you ever met him or spoke to him?

2) Do you have any methods of how you pick up "tat" at pound land and 99 pence stores?

3) What gave you the inspiration to become a youtuber?

4) Why did you go for Psychology as a PhD and if you were to do college over again would you go for another PhD?

5) What movie and music genre is your favorite and why?

6) Where you a good student in school?

7) Can you allude to any of the projects you are working on as of the moment and if so, give us a bit of context on why?

8) What video games are you playing as of the moment?

9) Have you ever thought of turning off the comments section in the future if you keep growing in channel size.

10) Have you ever thought of starting a gaming channel, and if so, why?

11) What was your favorite Project you have done on your channel and why is it your favorite?

12) If I was a first time viewer of your channel, what video would you suggest me to watch first and why?

13) What is your favorite thing to do outside of YouTube?

14) Have you ever had to eat anything on your channel that made you get sick?

I believe these are most of the questions I have as of the moment and it would be gladly appreciated if you answered them though I understand why you might not. Anyway, thank you very much for taking the time out of your night to answer my questions.

1) Yes! I met him and spoke to him at the GameChild premiere. He has great hair.

2) I take it off the shelves then carry it to the cashier, who makes me give £1 (or 99p depending on location) for each item before I'm allowed to take them home.

3) Cut & paste from a comment in an old thread:

In 2005 an Ebay link for a fake PSP was posted on a forum I used to frequent. I ended up buying it, and ad-libbed a quick video to show it to the other forum members who were interested. (These was the days before YouTube was a thing, so I had to post a wmv file on a file sharing site like some kind of barbarian.) Somebody must have sent it to b3ta as it was in their newsletter the following Friday. I only expected about twenty specific people to watch it, so didn’t introduce myself or put my website address on it or anything. The main reason I made a second video was to prove that I’d made the first one, as many American teenagers were uploading it to every site under the sun and claiming they'd made it. (I still forgot to put my website address on it. I am brilliant.) Using my innate ability to always pick a winner, I then uploaded everything I'd made to Google Video. And then to YouTube shortly after for obvious reasons. The review videos were still popular so I made a third one thinking everyone would be sick to the gills of my interminable droning, but it proved more popular still so I just kept going. Now I've been on YouTube for nearly 9 years and it's my main job. And thanks to YT, during that time I've co-written and acted in a feature film, written and presented comedy for the BBC, and all sorts of other groovy writing / acting gigs. I now own seventeen diamond-encrusted aircraft carriers and Zeus himself cowers in my stead. Also Google sent me a little silver plaque for reaching 100,000 subscribers, which was nice.

4) I was an idiot. And no.

5) This is two questions. SHAME ON YOU. I like such a diverse range of stuff that any answer would be meaningless and false, much like any TV programme involving Simon Cowell.

6) Yes. But no! But yes.

7) GameChild sequel? Maybe. Book? Definitely.

8) Legend of Grimrock II.

9) Yes. Once a month I accidentally let a photon of light from a comment hit my eye, and I consider that course of action.

10) Nah. Diluting the brand, innit.

11) GameChild movie. Hell yeah.

12) The intro one that automatically plays for non-subscribers.

13) Stun giraffes with space rocks.

14) Not yet. The sofa is enchanted and gives me +5 constitution.

I also live around the Norwich area, what's your favourite part of the city?

Blimey, this is like a speed dating question.

That bit. No, not that bit, next to it. No, the other way! NO, NO, LEFT A BIT! OH GOD IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING

Have anyone visiting you mistaken you for a hoarder with all the tat? Also, are you a hoarder? (You do have a lot of tat)

Probably. My house is a museum, where people come to see 'em. I do have a slight whiff of hoarder gene so have to be very careful.

What was it like working with Robert Llewellyn and did you quiz him at all about Red Dwarf?

Robert is probably the world's nicest man. Seriously. We mostly talked about renewable energy!

Would you rather fight one Silver Skull sized Warwick Davis or a hundred Warwick Davis sized Silver Skulls?

100 Warwick-sized Silver Skulls. Because Warwick is excellent and I would never fight him.

Hey Stuart,

As a long-time viewer (at at least 6 years) I've always enjoyed your electronic tat reviews. What happened to them? Did China stop pooping out cheap knock-offs, or did they get too not-shit? Also, what games (if any) do you currently play?

~ Pi

They all turned into weird handheld NES emulators a few years back. Either that or they're just the same bloody POP Stations.

I have got some interesting new stuff for the new year, though.

How did you come into possession of the Mr Noseybonk mask?

It was made for me by a proper special effects guy. It's made out of fibreglass and old-fashioned car paint, and would likely survive a nuclear war.

Would you ever do a meetup in Norwich? I'm sure there are many locals (myself included) who would love to see you

I think it's a very unsafe idea to host a meetup where you live. Somebody might follow me home and kruple my blutzon.

Have any of the manufacturers of a piece of tat you have reviewed ever got in contact with you afterwards?

Nah. I did help some lawyers track down the makers of those horrible Gears of War Knock-off figures though.

hey Ashens, first off thanks for doing this and thanks for saying hi to me at the Manchester Comic Con (I'm guy who asked about the joystick round-up video, didn't ask you to sign anything nor did I buy any merch, sorry!)

Anyway, looking at your videos, you seem to just make them whenever you like however you like, I would have thought you would make a bunch of them on the same day, that way if you're ill or unable to film later in the week you have a backlog to dig into. Or do you actually do that and I just haven't noticed?

Also, any more retro video game stuff in the works? please say yes. Cheers!

I don't like to store up videos as I like to remain as reactive as possible. I do backlog ones with Dan though, as he can only travel over once every few months.

Retro games wise, we're currently hammering out a publishing deal for a Terrible Old Games You've Probably Never Heard Of book.

What would you do, if you reviewed a product that ruined your sofa :O?

Be very annoyed, then get a new sofa. I might have a sandwich somewhere during that process.

Hey Ashens. You may have gotten this question many times over already but I can't be bothered to read ALL the comments so off I go: Do you think there's any possibility of a Gamechild sequel? I'd love to see one.

Yes. Yes there is. We're going to pursue that avenue in the new year.

Around how many pounds do you waste spend on all the tat in your videos?

Only one at a time.

How would Chef Excellence rate your show?

8.4 quirkafleegs. (This roughly equals "An Excellent Show.")

Can you come to Australia and eat some of my mum's cooking on camera? Bound to create a century-egg level reaction for sure!

That's not a particularly inviting offer. Plus it's a long journey on the old space hopper.

Have the grass masks assimilated you yet?

Is the ghost of Sara what has protected you from dying from eating all the expired foods?

What will you do when the old couch gives up the ghost?

1) Eh?

2) I think she may be the guardian angel of YouTube food idiots.

3) Decommission it in a lavish ceremony. Then buy another.

Can we have sweet, loving, penetrative intercourse in a pile of baby food and teddy bears?

I'm not falling for that again.

What are the limits of how old something must be for you to eat it? How old is too old?

No no. No no no no. No no no no. No no THERE'S NO LIMIT!

1. Are you ever going to release the "Covert" Poundland Video? Or was the advice not to release it?

2.A More personal question which you don't have to answer if you are uncomfortable. In your first 10 Reviews in Ten Mins video you said one of your lungs does not work probably. Is that a Genuine problem? and has it got better?

3.Why did you steal the ultimate golden terminator ninja warrior dragon?

My understanding is we can release it pretty soon. But then again, that's been my understanding for over a year.

Yep, my left lung is a bit under capacity but nothing serious. But if I was fighting James Bond, he would use that against me by removing all air from the vicinity so I blacked out a bit quicker than he did. It's a constant worry.

Hi Stuart! First of all, thank you very much for doing this. Here's my questions:

1. Did you get anything cool for your birthday?

2. What is the weirdest thing you have received in your PO Box since the last time?

1. Yes. Thanks for asking!

2. You'll see. Oh God, how you'll see.

If all the strange knock-off action figures you've EVER reviewed had a fight, who'd come out winner and why?

Whichever wrestler had the biggest metal insect to help them.

What has been your favorite video to do so far?

Does the movie count? If so, the movie. If not, it's the movie anyway.

What're your favourite pubs in Norwich? Mundane question but we have so many good ones and I'm interested in what you think.

Also you should do an Anglia Square special.

That's a dangerous question as answering it increases my chances of being stabbed by a maniac by 233%!

Nothing is special in Anglia Square.

I have 2 questions...

1) What did you think of Nerdquest?

2) Read any good books lately?

1) Ask Mikki.

2) I'm going through a newly published book of Grimm's Fairy Tales that sticks closely to the original legends. It's darker than the centre of a black hole.

Hello Ashens! My question is, are we going to see any more weird and quirky videos, such as the noseybonk videos?

Oh yes. MY WORD YES.

What item of 'tat' that you bought to review has actually been surprisingly good?

Those plastic pot covers are probably the best example.

I've met you a few times. What's the likelyhood of me starring in your next big picture?

It's directly proportional to the likelihood of you being George Clooney.

This is the first time I've made it to an AMA on time!

• do you write a script before you make videos or is it all improvised? If it's improvised, you're really good at that.

• how bad does the couch smell?

All improvised. Well, the sofa stuff and Ideas Men, not the movie or Tech dump!

Febreze is my jam.

How do you deal with unreasonable feedback on your videos? Does it gnaw at the back of your mind when people say what you do isn't good enough for whatever reason, or can you deal with it and actually read a comments section without it harming your self-confidence?

IIRC, you know about psychology? I wonder if that helps you deal with it as well. I know some e-famous people have the "solution" of ignoring most viewer input, but I never would want to do that... so I wanna know how you do it!

Unfortunately YouTube comments reached a kind of bullshit event horizon when Google started putting the 'controversial' ones at the top. I generally only look at them now to remove overly horrible ones that people warn me about.

Is there anything (Non-Toxic) you wouldn't eat on camera for that glorious Yotube money?

Plenty! Surstromming. And non-poisonous hats.

How many videos worth of tat do you have stored away?

Currently: One. It's an old food thing I had to film at a certain point for logistical reasons.

Have you been sick after eating anything that's out of date for one of your videos?

Nope. I AM INVINCIBLE! (Also I only put teeny tiny bits in my mouth to minimise chances of death.)

What goes though your head while you are halfway through eating a vomit flavoured jelly bean, or taking your first whiff of something that went off decades ago?

That is the best time for zen-like emptiness.

Hey there, do you perhaps remember my friends the Moss look alike from comic-con in may this year? He claims you posted it on the twitters

I did! That was my fave cosplay ever. Not only did he look the part but he could do the voice exactly.

But the best thing was he knew exactly when to be in character and when to drop character, so it never got tired or weird. Top bloke.

I thoroughly enjoyed the Game Child film, has to done well enough to make a sequel possible in the future? Would you even do a sequel even if you could?

How did you get Warwick Davies to be in the film? How does one go about hiring him? Thanks for all the laughs Ashens, merry Christmas!

Yes. Yes. We asked his agent. Ask his agent. This sentence is superfluous.

Who is your influence for your Youtube career?

There wasn't one really. I started out making videos just before YouTube was a thing so there was nobody else.

I'm pretty sure I was inspired to make weird things in the first place by old TV show Takeover TV. (Adam Buxton & Joe Cornish started out on it.)

how is Todd Carty's Fat Mate?

He's dead, Sergeant. He was pierced incredibly slowly by spikes :(

Best place to find tat in Norwich?

Poundland / 99p Stores / Poundworld.

What's the worst food you have ever eaten?

Easy! The ancient baby food I tried with Barry recently. I almost panicked when he put slightly too much in his mouth.

Which part of YouTube fame surprises you the most?

That people queue up to meet me at MCM. And none of them realise I split profits 50/50 with the pickpockets!

How long have you been collecting useless shit, and can we have a photo of the room where you store your useless shit?

Too long - and yet, not long enough.

And no. It's just a garage full of plastic crates.

Any more streaming/live stuff planned?

Yes! Going to do some old game stuff in the new year.

What is your guilty pleasure song?

I don't believe in guilty pleasures. If you like something then you like something, damnit!

What is the weirdest thing someone has given you at a Con?

Someone gave me a tiny toy My Little Pony with a flag stuck up its arse.

Hello there Stuart!

First of all I wanted to thank you for doing all these videos. I watched them when I was sad, I watched them when I was depressed, I watched when was happy, too. You never ceased to make me smile and laugh. They just have something in it, you know? They are very relaxing - even with some basic stuff that you've done. Of course I watched the movie as soon as it came out - brilliant stuff there mate! I've been watching your stuff more or less often for about three years - and you never dissapoint. Good job!

So, very first question: Will you do a sequel to the movie? Or are you planning to do another movie? It was really nice to see your movie, and we want more!

And a little bit personal - Do you have your favourite football team? Or do you even like football?

Erm, what more... How much tat do you have collected so far and it's waiting to be reviewed? And how many food stuff do you have? Are you planning to surprise us with another 10+ year old... undescriptable something?

Also, what's your favorite game console of all time? And what's your favorite game, too?

I think that's enough for now, I wanted to wish you a happy holidays, and a very best new year! Cheers mate!

Sequel - we're looking into it. FORECAST: HOPEFUL.

Football bores me more than a 20 hour lecture on potato skin. I'd probably support local team Norwich City, and what a life sentence of misery that would be!

I have so much tat and food that I could open a small but disproportionately disappointing museum.

My fave game console is a toss-up between the Sega Saturn, Original Playstation, Neo Geo Pocket Color and the Xbox 360.

MERRY THINGMAS!

What is your greatest 'failed' review?

The Violin of course!

Just realised I capitalised "Violin" like it's some kind of legendary item...

[deleted]

I've actually got some filmed that we never put up anywhere. Might edit them together one day.

If you weren't reviewing tat, what do you think your YouTube channel would consist of?

Minecraft videos and despair.

Is there anything you won't eat?

I'd probably draw the line at human flesh. Or a filet-o-fish.

Hey Ashens!

Being from Norwich - how tried are you of 'webbed feet' jokes?

Also, what other youtubers do you regularly watch?

Thanks for making me laugh!

I have never heard a 'webbed feet' joke!

I watch Mentski, because I feel I should keep an eye on him at all times for my own safety.

What inspired you to make The Quest for the GameChild?

I'd had an idea for years to make a strange road-movie that followed on directly from a review. We ended up splitting that in two - the road movie was GameChild, and the follow-on conceit was used in The Proxy.

Have you ever immediately thrown anything (particularly food stuffs) you received in the mail away because it was too gross and or broke in transit?

Yes! Packets of crisps always explode and thus go straight in the bin. Glass bottles tend to leak. And some things fail the "Has this been tampered with and poisoned better to be safe than dead" test.

What is your favourite superhero film including the non-marvel/dc ones (such as "chronicle")?

I really enjoyed the Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy (Is that superheroes? Meh, close enough.) Not exactly life-changing films but super good fun.

Chronicle was interesting and beautifully made. As was Super.

Collaboration with Nerdcubed possibly? Would make my holiday season more than -HAIL GRASS MASK GRASS MASK IS LIFE- cough cough what was I saying?

I dunno - that would be difficult now he's living in Peru or somewhere.

Opinions on Chris Morris and his shows?

The Day Today is probably my favourite TV thing ever. Love nearly all his stuff.

Anecdote: On the way to the GameChild premiere we passed Chris Morris who was getting on a bike. We considered that the best possible omen.

Dear Stuart, when you film your video's, is your sofa just really high up or are you on your knees?

I kneel down. Sofa elevation is an art for fools.

Hi Stuart,

I've been watching your videos ever since the PopStation days, but I've got to ask - what on Earth got you into making videos about poundshop tat? Did you go into B&M Bargains one day and think "THIS NEEDS TO BE ON YOUTUBE"?

I spotted some real joys in Poundland and thought the world would be entertained if I pointed at them and laughed. And I was almost right!

Hey Stuart!

thank-you for keeping me entertained for all these years! truly, I am a big fan of yours!

My question:

Do you plan on ever re-releasing "Ashenthology" or considered making "Ashenthology 2"?

We did print another thousand or so for the GameChild crowdfunding campaign. No chance for Ashenthology 2, as it takes far too much time for little return!

Evening, Mr Ashen! Do you think your dilapidated brown sofa will ever get an upgrade..? Or are you now stuck with it for life? And also, what do you think has been the biggest surprise of all the things you've reviewed/eaten? (Good or bad, up to you)

One day the sofa will die and a nation will mourn. And I'll bugger off to Ikea or somewhere.

Biggest surprise were those German creme eggs. I was not expecting a bitter lemon taste.

What is your favorite movie?

So, so many. How to choose?

Would you ever do a video with Nerdcubed where eachtime he died in a game, say GTA V, you would both eat something horrendous, like those awful jelly beans, or ancient baby food?

Hmmm... No. That would be a needless combination of ideas. Would smack a bit of desperation, actually.

Where's the Poundland tour? And the PS4 + XBone review?

Poundland tour is all finished but awaiting advice before release. PS4 + XBone reviews are coming never as they bored me, and I can't bring myself to just do stuff for the views. I think audiences can feel apathy.

Are you thinking of making any more full length films now that gamechild is long over?

Yep. Watch this space! ---->

Is it alright if I use Kenneth Lightly (and Breakfast Mess) on an album cover? I'll happily send some New Zealand tat/food-crap in exchange...

That depends - if it's a commercially released album designed to make money, then I will destroy you and everything you care about. But if it's free then go for it!

So, Ashens, ahem...how's things? Erm. Gamechild 2? No, that's been done...I know! Ashens! What video games are you currently addicted to?!

I am spending far too much time on various card and board games on the iPad. Finally I can play Carcassone and Settlers of Cataan and Ascension! Because I don't know anyone else who will play them!

If you had to permanently lose one, which would it be. The facial hair or the sofa?

Also, can you record some sort of audio tape aimed and aiding sleep. Preferably reading awfully translated item descriptions or something.

The sofa! As I could get another, and one day it will need replacing anyway.

Audio tape?! Are you a time traveller?

What is your favorite song to sing in the shower?

The Litanies of Satan.

Do you have a day job or is YouTube a full time thing now? Will you ever do anything for the BBC again, like Tech Dump and Backspace a few years back?

It's been a full time thing for years. No idea on BBC stuff, I've got no plans in that direction.

Should I drink tea or Coca-cola right now?

Mix them both together for a unique treat!

How many brown sofas have there been? They must wear out with all the crap you chuck at them.

There can be only one.