Nick Offerman, Chanticleer, Ready for another AMA

Which do you prefer, Chubby Pratt or Six Pack Pratt?

Christopher Pratt is one the most beautiful creations of Mother Nature's that I have countenanced in my lifetime. Whether the bear is lean from the winter or fattened by sweet summer berries and springtime salmon, it makes me no never mind in the love I bear for him. He's still a magnificent beast.

I'm afraid my time is up. Thank you kindly for tolerating me in your house, and please enjoy this holiday times/daymoons.

Yours sincerely, Nick

What's the most challenging part of being Nick Offerman?

Penis is wider than it is long.

So I was watching an old episode of 24 the other day, and all of a sudden you showed up. How did it feel to get yelled at and threatened by Jack Bauer?

It was very arousing, he kept locking us in the bathroom where the cameras couldn't see and whispering dialogue from LOST BOYS. He made me pop thrice.

Is that you saying Fremulon?

http://doesnickoffermansayfremulon.com

Nick! If you could be any other character on parks and rec who would it be and why?

PS you are the man

L'il Sebastian because then I would be the universe's MOST GLORIOUS CREATURE.

What is it like being married to Megan Mullally? You both are hilarious!

I never dreamed my life could be so full of bounty. It keeps me vigilant to mind my manners so that I will not anger the greater powers. (Gandalf, Galactus, Patton Oswalt)

How do you control that wonderful mustache of yours?

It is I who am controlled by my whiskers.

AVOID SCISSORS.

Nick, how do I please my lady?

Infrequently, sounds like.

Good evening Mr. Offerman, I am about to embark on my first wood working adventure making a small, tall table and chairs. What are your thoughts on black walnut or red cedar? Thank you for your time and happy holidays, sir.

Two beautiful species, but I'd go 100% with walnut, as it is a cabinet wood, meaning it is dense and strong enough to withstand the stresses that are enacted upon furniture. Cedar is beautiful, with a high tensile strength, making it great for boats and guitars and siding/shake shingles, but it's also very soft, so your table and chairs would be fragile and easily scratched and gouged.

Mr. Offerman,

My book will be published soon and, should you reply, I will quote your response on the dedication page. What have you got to say?

If a warm mate is not at hand, a melon will serve just fine.

What meat are you having this Christmas?

Tammy 2.

My friend Austin finds you absolutely amazing, any wise words to give to him?

Austin, change friends.

If you could pick only one whittling knife to learn with, which would it be?

Paddle Your Own Canoe was fantastic, by the way. I thoroughly enjoyed it, thanks.

Just get a knife that will hold an edge and get to work. The knife matters little, it's the user that makes the shavings.

Mr Offerman, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. My apologies for arriving late, the wife's needs come first, as you know.

Last month I had the good fortune of becoming a father to my firstborn son. He is a stout lad, and strong. I hope to instill in him the value of hard work, the pride that is found in fine craftsmanship, the deliciousness of a fine whisky, and the pleasure a man finds in knowing his word is as valuable as his signature.

On his 18th birthday, I intend to give him the best advice I can offer on being an upstanding man. As one of the finest of these yourself, what do you suggest I say? Much obliged.

Practice promptness, tell the truth, don't start a job you don't intend to finish, and treat all creatures with kindness excepting the mosquito and the Frenchman.

What's your favorite ride in Disney?

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. It's fucking wild, guys.

How much do you bench?

Go outside and look at a maple leaf. If it's winter where you are, look at some icicles.

[deleted]

Mr. Belvedere or Don Deluise

Dear Lord Offerman

if a man came up to you in the street and asked you to sum up the perfect life, what would you answer with?

Dog

Hi, how was it to work on Last Week Tonight? I was pleasantly surprised when you popped up on the screen. You were really funny

I honestly think that is the most effective news program happening today, or this week rather, and it's also britches-shitting funny. It was an honor.

You are stranded on a desert island. You get to choose one animal for complete sustenance. What non mammoth creature do you select?

Billy Eichner?

I saw you in one of your first comedy standup/motivational shows in Hollywood about 3 (maybe more) years ago. I was with a girl at the time that I have loved since I was 13, we'd been off and on for the past 15 years of our lives. This past June we had one of the worst fights we've ever had, and I thought I was being a man by leaving and never looking back. That night of your show, you had made a point of demonstrating that building something with your hands is so powerful and fulfilling, and it has made me want to build something. I don't know if its a cabinet, a machine, a business, a family or a municipality, but I want to build something grand. I need to find this thing and build it, I'd like to fulfill this emptiness I have, and try to win this woman over again. Any advice?

Build yourself a horse, ride it over to her house, and repeat the sentiments you relayed in your question. Follow it up with an apology for acting like a pig-headed male, which is in our nature, and get busy eatin that pussy.

Mr. Offerman,
When a bear sees you, do you wait to see if it will attack, or do you charge it and assert your dominance?

A bear does not see me, due to my stealth.

Mr. Offerman, huge fan of your work. Question, where would one start when wanting to get into wood working?

Get Fine Woodworking Magazine or visit Finewoodworking.com and start reading. Find some beginner project that you like, like a box is always a good starting point. Get a decent chisel and a block plane and learn to sharpen them. Sharpening is the most important skill to master, because it makes the rest of the steps flow like butter.

Hey there! I had privilege to meet you in 2011, I was your waitress in a sleepy tourist town. I was wondering if Ron Swanson will ever do bong hits? He seems like he could use some relaxation.

Interesting question. I think Ron would be up for trying most things in the right setting. Perhaps if he were stranded in the woods with Ron Dunn (Sam Elliott), he could be persuaded to check it out. I think Swanson would appreciate the efficacy of the bong delivery system.

If you could give one piece of advice to a budding facial hair enthusiast, what would it be?

Go learn a skill for 5 years. Come back after that and check progress in mirror.

Who wins a fight...You or Aziz Ansari?

Duh.

Aziz. He would disarm me by saying something super hilarious, then whilst I giggled he would nimbly kick me in the bean bag and scurry away. This has happened. He's a funny man.

[deleted]

I still have a key to the bell tower at Busey Hall where my pal worked in the math library. If you climb into the belfry and face the direction of Rapha-El, walk until your forehead is illuminated on the level, then employ a church key atop the largest face of Carpathian Elm in sight, then you too can find my stash of Mahomet Kush. Mind the Fnord.

Are you in touch with your feminine side?

When she'll have me.

What would "Nick Offerman: The Video Game" be about?

It would be a map to the local forest, with the instruction: MEMORIZE THIS.

It would remain onscreen for 15 seconds, then the unit would shut itself off.

The best thing I'd ever heard in my life was at your book signing in Toronto. It was near the end of the day, you were looking completely worn down and exhausted. I made it to the front, and you looked at me and said, "Son, that is a mighty fine set of whiskers." Of all the comments, from all the people, from all the places, yours was the one that meant the most. Thank you for that. I hope the trip to Vancouver afterwards was relaxing.

Having gushed enough for the next couple years, on to the question. After having released a book on your life, have you thought about writing something in a different style? I ask this, as Bruce Campbell comes to mind. His first book, "If Chins Could Kill : Confessions of a B Movie Actor", was autobiographical, and a wonderful look at what he had gone through. He followed it up with, "Make Love! The Bruce Campbell Way", which was more of a really well done satire.

Just curious as to whether or not you had considered writing a bit more, or if the one was enough.

Sorry for the wordiness. Keep 'er handy.

My second book is coming out in the summer of 2015. It is not about love making, as I am no Bruce Campbell. He is a STALLION.

Have you ever considered playing batman in a live action movie?

I would love to take on that role, but I believe I am in the "too many chins" file.

Favorite holiday scent?

Mullally.

Who is your favorite Disney princess? Who is Ron Swanson's favorite disney princess? Also, while Joan Calamezzo is hung over, Ron Swanson takes over her talk show. Would you ever host a talk show of your own and if so what would you do on it?

My favorite Disney princess is Ryan Gosling.

Swanson's I guess would be Ariel, because it's his daughters favorite. They love that wacky crab, Sebastian!

What would you recommend for a 20 year old man with no background in theater who wants to get into acting? Not to get famous just something I want to do.

Read Paddle Your Own Canoe, your question is covered.

Mr. Offerman. I just needed you to know that you are an idol of mine that I look up to as how a man should live his life.

That being said, I wanted to share with you the fact that I have a bronze bust of your head with the quote, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have." inscribed on it on my desk at work. I look at it every day, as do my co-workers-- with great jealousy.

I recently became an engaged man. What is one piece of advice you may offer up to help lead to a successful marriage? I see you and Megan seem to have quite a happy, healthy relationship many must be envious of.

Thank you, and salutations, Sir.

Listen. Learn to listen as well as possible.

Swallow your pride in a fight. The sooner you can release your need to be right, the sooner you can come out from under the table.

Veneer. Good or bad?

Depends on the application, but it's amazing for saving trees and achieving kickass grain-layout patterns or just exhibiting gorgeous woods/grains/figures without cutting down the whole forest.

What is the most beautiful song you've ever heard?

When my wife and I met doing a play at The Evidence Room in LA, we were backstage and she whisper/sang In The Gloaming into my ear. I busted out my MetroCard and hopped the express train to BONER TOWN.

Your AMA's are always entertaining. I've had a beard off and on for the past 12 years but this will be the first time I've had one while both hearing of beard balm and having a fiancée. In advance of the gift giving season of Christmas, do you have a recommended beard balm that the fiancée might be interested in gifting me for my and her pleasure?

Side note: I really enjoy this short film which you narrated earlier this year: The Gunfighter. Everyone I've showed it to has laughed throughout.

Thanks for the nice compliment. I have not heard of Beard Balm.

What is your favorite meal?

In Belly.

What other actor would you most like to have a brawl with?

Josh Brolin because he is my pal, and I could say, "Whoa, Josh, hold up. What if instead of brawling we share a hug and then enjoy a couple cans a'suds?"

Hello! First, I would like to say that you are an immensely interesting individual with a manliness that can't be matched. As for my question, what is the most valuable piece of knowledge you are willing to pass on to a young man like me?

Find people to inspire you in sources that aren't television.

Who's your favorite European?

CUMBERBATCH or IAN MACARTHUR

Could you be any sexier?

You would change your tune if you were reclining here with me in this roiling cloud of BEEF-FOG.

So my boyfriend is starting to get really into wood working and I must know what would be a good gift for a beginner slowly reaching intermediate? I've already bought him your book so I'm not sure if there's anything else that could top that. Thanks in advance!

PS: You're amazing.

I love Jim Tolpin's Table Saw Magic

What is the best number and why?

69, obviously, because 3x23

Oh shit, you're still here? That was going to be my first question. Since my follow-up question is based on your answer to the first question I'll wait to ask it. But since I don't usually make IMA's in time I might ask anyway, since the psychic I called hung up on me. What do you suppose crickets mean in my life? I've given them rides on my driver side window four times. One time was a day I got a flat tire on the freeway. The next time I saw a cricket on my car, a car had blown out it's tire on the same road that I noticed the cricket (after I got my tire fixed) answer at will, if you wish. Cheers.

Crickets are delicious and not an inconsiderable source of protein.

Your book was fantastic. It instilled a great desire to see live acting. Where is the best place to see things of this sort in NYC besides Broadway?

Chicago.

How long have you played the Saxophone for?

up to 35 minutes.

Just wanted to say I loved your book and I can't wait to get one of the Offerman Rockets! I've had a 24" board for a decade and it will be great to be able to put that beautiful thing on the wall and take the Rocket out on the streets!

My question is, what made you guys want to make a skateboard?*

*Full disclosure, I have to ask a question to post!

Matt Micucci at Offerman Woodshop is solely responsible for the ROCKET. He is in charge of hip items, also neato-keen trinkets and fly shit. He makes the Pop Top and the Kazoo, he plays the ukulele, operates puppets, and he's cute as shit.

Meat and whiskey alone: ?/10 Meat and whiskey rice: ?/10 ?

If you're taking whiskey rice, PLEASE GET HELP. That shit is no joke. ZERO OUT OF TEN!

Hello Du... I mean Mr Offerman... What is your favorite musical instrument?

Hurdy-Gurdy

Bong, joint, bubbler, vape, homemade Swanson wood pipe? What's your favorite way to smoke?

In the woods.

What's favorite kind of steak?

EDIT: What's your favorite kind of steak?

In Belly.

Dear Mr. Offerman. if you read, I would just like to say thank you. I know you are an actor that has had a very interesting life and a decent about of luck getting to where you are, and thats one of the real things I look up to you for.

Firstly, Im currently reading your book and it is delightful.

Secondly, it was you as inspiration that I got began woodworking a few month ago. It is delightful and my first true hooby

Lastly: My Female companion said she sent you a letter in the mail a while back hoping for a response but that never came and was quite saddened by this. Would it be possible to see if you did receive the letter? I could message you her name. Thanks!

I try to answer all mail but I have been too swamped so I have a mountain of mail to get to. Apologies for tardiness, I truly do my best.

I just watched Somebody Up There Likes Me today. Great film. You were hilarious in it!

What do you think is the biggest difference between acting in a film or an on-going TV series such as Parks and Rec?

Thank you, I am very proud of that film! The filmmaker Bob Byington is smart as shit and also really funny and one of my favorite writers. Megan's too. A lot of similarities in film and TV acting, but I guess a film moves more slowly, so you can try and make each moment a bit more of a work of art, whereas TV you're doing the same thing but just much faster. Also a TV role on a series that lasts is nifty because you get to keep creating the character with the writers over years, which is incredibly satisfying.

I love all your work and your book is amazing! If you could say one thing to someone who is struggling trying to decide what they want to do with their life, what would you say?

Figure out what you love to do, then discern how one may be paid to do it.