I have a humorist special called American Ham premiering on Netflix this Friday, 12/12/14, and my book Paddle Your Own Canoe is always a swell holiday treat.


Comments: 4526 • Responses: 58  • Date: 

Pop_Quiz_Hot_Shot3086 karma

Which do you prefer, Chubby Pratt or Six Pack Pratt?

NickOfferman5705 karma

Christopher Pratt is one the most beautiful creations of Mother Nature's that I have countenanced in my lifetime. Whether the bear is lean from the winter or fattened by sweet summer berries and springtime salmon, it makes me no never mind in the love I bear for him. He's still a magnificent beast.

NickOfferman2544 karma

I'm afraid my time is up. Thank you kindly for tolerating me in your house, and please enjoy this holiday times/daymoons.

Yours sincerely, Nick

wesknowsbest1857 karma

What's the most challenging part of being Nick Offerman?

NickOfferman4609 karma

Penis is wider than it is long.

richard-karn1782 karma

So I was watching an old episode of 24 the other day, and all of a sudden you showed up. How did it feel to get yelled at and threatened by Jack Bauer?

NickOfferman4506 karma

It was very arousing, he kept locking us in the bathroom where the cameras couldn't see and whispering dialogue from LOST BOYS. He made me pop thrice.

akirokatie1460 karma

Is that you saying Fremulon?

ginalo1458 karma

Nick! If you could be any other character on parks and rec who would it be and why?

PS you are the man

NickOfferman3806 karma

L'il Sebastian because then I would be the universe's MOST GLORIOUS CREATURE.

DisPick1342 karma

What is it like being married to Megan Mullally? You both are hilarious!

NickOfferman3401 karma

I never dreamed my life could be so full of bounty. It keeps me vigilant to mind my manners so that I will not anger the greater powers. (Gandalf, Galactus, Patton Oswalt)

dsorrells091222 karma

How do you control that wonderful mustache of yours?

NickOfferman3312 karma

It is I who am controlled by my whiskers.

NickOfferman1825 karma


obviousstatement1196 karma

Nick, how do I please my lady?

NickOfferman4676 karma

Infrequently, sounds like.

slivers4191132 karma

Good evening Mr. Offerman, I am about to embark on my first wood working adventure making a small, tall table and chairs. What are your thoughts on black walnut or red cedar? Thank you for your time and happy holidays, sir.

NickOfferman2634 karma

Two beautiful species, but I'd go 100% with walnut, as it is a cabinet wood, meaning it is dense and strong enough to withstand the stresses that are enacted upon furniture. Cedar is beautiful, with a high tensile strength, making it great for boats and guitars and siding/shake shingles, but it's also very soft, so your table and chairs would be fragile and easily scratched and gouged.

YourNig1091 karma

Mr. Offerman,

My book will be published soon and, should you reply, I will quote your response on the dedication page. What have you got to say?

NickOfferman3026 karma

If a warm mate is not at hand, a melon will serve just fine.

valalanta1089 karma

What meat are you having this Christmas?

NickOfferman3613 karma

Tammy 2.

Handsome_J1061 karma

My friend Austin finds you absolutely amazing, any wise words to give to him?

NickOfferman3410 karma

Austin, change friends.

birdsaresodumb840 karma

If you could pick only one whittling knife to learn with, which would it be?

Paddle Your Own Canoe was fantastic, by the way. I thoroughly enjoyed it, thanks.

NickOfferman2082 karma

Just get a knife that will hold an edge and get to work. The knife matters little, it's the user that makes the shavings.

Fred_the_Moose805 karma

Mr Offerman, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. My apologies for arriving late, the wife's needs come first, as you know.

Last month I had the good fortune of becoming a father to my firstborn son. He is a stout lad, and strong. I hope to instill in him the value of hard work, the pride that is found in fine craftsmanship, the deliciousness of a fine whisky, and the pleasure a man finds in knowing his word is as valuable as his signature.

On his 18th birthday, I intend to give him the best advice I can offer on being an upstanding man. As one of the finest of these yourself, what do you suggest I say? Much obliged.

NickOfferman2995 karma

Practice promptness, tell the truth, don't start a job you don't intend to finish, and treat all creatures with kindness excepting the mosquito and the Frenchman.

AGallagher410782 karma

What's your favorite ride in Disney?

NickOfferman2718 karma

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. It's fucking wild, guys.

lvest714 karma

How much do you bench?

NickOfferman2823 karma

Go outside and look at a maple leaf. If it's winter where you are, look at some icicles.

b33fm8710 karma


NickOfferman1134 karma

Mr. Belvedere or Don Deluise

BeardsAndScotch8332619 karma

Dear Lord Offerman

if a man came up to you in the street and asked you to sum up the perfect life, what would you answer with?

NickOfferman1934 karma


sandym2000603 karma

Hi, how was it to work on Last Week Tonight? I was pleasantly surprised when you popped up on the screen. You were really funny

NickOfferman1524 karma

I honestly think that is the most effective news program happening today, or this week rather, and it's also britches-shitting funny. It was an honor.

Thedirtyone522599 karma

You are stranded on a desert island. You get to choose one animal for complete sustenance. What non mammoth creature do you select?

NickOfferman1205 karma

Billy Eichner?

djb85511539 karma

I saw you in one of your first comedy standup/motivational shows in Hollywood about 3 (maybe more) years ago. I was with a girl at the time that I have loved since I was 13, we'd been off and on for the past 15 years of our lives. This past June we had one of the worst fights we've ever had, and I thought I was being a man by leaving and never looking back. That night of your show, you had made a point of demonstrating that building something with your hands is so powerful and fulfilling, and it has made me want to build something. I don't know if its a cabinet, a machine, a business, a family or a municipality, but I want to build something grand. I need to find this thing and build it, I'd like to fulfill this emptiness I have, and try to win this woman over again. Any advice?

NickOfferman2453 karma

Build yourself a horse, ride it over to her house, and repeat the sentiments you relayed in your question. Follow it up with an apology for acting like a pig-headed male, which is in our nature, and get busy eatin that pussy.

dafukisdat537 karma

Mr. Offerman,
When a bear sees you, do you wait to see if it will attack, or do you charge it and assert your dominance?

NickOfferman2418 karma

A bear does not see me, due to my stealth.


Mr. Offerman, huge fan of your work. Question, where would one start when wanting to get into wood working?

NickOfferman1273 karma

Get Fine Woodworking Magazine or visit Finewoodworking.com and start reading. Find some beginner project that you like, like a box is always a good starting point. Get a decent chisel and a block plane and learn to sharpen them. Sharpening is the most important skill to master, because it makes the rest of the steps flow like butter.

freddiescalise513 karma

Hey there! I had privilege to meet you in 2011, I was your waitress in a sleepy tourist town. I was wondering if Ron Swanson will ever do bong hits? He seems like he could use some relaxation.

NickOfferman1343 karma

Interesting question. I think Ron would be up for trying most things in the right setting. Perhaps if he were stranded in the woods with Ron Dunn (Sam Elliott), he could be persuaded to check it out. I think Swanson would appreciate the efficacy of the bong delivery system.

Roxstein494 karma

If you could give one piece of advice to a budding facial hair enthusiast, what would it be?

NickOfferman2143 karma

Go learn a skill for 5 years. Come back after that and check progress in mirror.

Booty_Connoisseur473 karma

Who wins a fight...You or Aziz Ansari?

NickOfferman1860 karma


Aziz. He would disarm me by saying something super hilarious, then whilst I giggled he would nimbly kick me in the bean bag and scurry away. This has happened. He's a funny man.

courtiebabe420390 karma


NickOfferman1325 karma

I still have a key to the bell tower at Busey Hall where my pal worked in the math library. If you climb into the belfry and face the direction of Rapha-El, walk until your forehead is illuminated on the level, then employ a church key atop the largest face of Carpathian Elm in sight, then you too can find my stash of Mahomet Kush. Mind the Fnord.

manetto351 karma

Are you in touch with your feminine side?

NickOfferman1629 karma

When she'll have me.

DrinksYourMilk331 karma

What would "Nick Offerman: The Video Game" be about?

NickOfferman1875 karma

It would be a map to the local forest, with the instruction: MEMORIZE THIS.

It would remain onscreen for 15 seconds, then the unit would shut itself off.

odyeiop317 karma

The best thing I'd ever heard in my life was at your book signing in Toronto. It was near the end of the day, you were looking completely worn down and exhausted. I made it to the front, and you looked at me and said, "Son, that is a mighty fine set of whiskers." Of all the comments, from all the people, from all the places, yours was the one that meant the most. Thank you for that. I hope the trip to Vancouver afterwards was relaxing.

Having gushed enough for the next couple years, on to the question. After having released a book on your life, have you thought about writing something in a different style? I ask this, as Bruce Campbell comes to mind. His first book, "If Chins Could Kill : Confessions of a B Movie Actor", was autobiographical, and a wonderful look at what he had gone through. He followed it up with, "Make Love! The Bruce Campbell Way", which was more of a really well done satire.

Just curious as to whether or not you had considered writing a bit more, or if the one was enough.

Sorry for the wordiness. Keep 'er handy.

NickOfferman556 karma

My second book is coming out in the summer of 2015. It is not about love making, as I am no Bruce Campbell. He is a STALLION.

Ohgodwherestheowl0_0313 karma

Have you ever considered playing batman in a live action movie?

NickOfferman1142 karma

I would love to take on that role, but I believe I am in the "too many chins" file.

jsm85296 karma

Favorite holiday scent?

NickOfferman1468 karma


knopeforprez278 karma

Who is your favorite Disney princess? Who is Ron Swanson's favorite disney princess? Also, while Joan Calamezzo is hung over, Ron Swanson takes over her talk show. Would you ever host a talk show of your own and if so what would you do on it?

NickOfferman1564 karma

My favorite Disney princess is Ryan Gosling.

Swanson's I guess would be Ariel, because it's his daughters favorite. They love that wacky crab, Sebastian!

nidokingman55247 karma

What would you recommend for a 20 year old man with no background in theater who wants to get into acting? Not to get famous just something I want to do.

NickOfferman625 karma

Read Paddle Your Own Canoe, your question is covered.

Mischlecht244 karma

Mr. Offerman. I just needed you to know that you are an idol of mine that I look up to as how a man should live his life.

That being said, I wanted to share with you the fact that I have a bronze bust of your head with the quote, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have." inscribed on it on my desk at work. I look at it every day, as do my co-workers-- with great jealousy.

I recently became an engaged man. What is one piece of advice you may offer up to help lead to a successful marriage? I see you and Megan seem to have quite a happy, healthy relationship many must be envious of.

Thank you, and salutations, Sir.

NickOfferman863 karma

Listen. Learn to listen as well as possible.

Swallow your pride in a fight. The sooner you can release your need to be right, the sooner you can come out from under the table.

AristotleKnowsAll232 karma

Veneer. Good or bad?

NickOfferman576 karma

Depends on the application, but it's amazing for saving trees and achieving kickass grain-layout patterns or just exhibiting gorgeous woods/grains/figures without cutting down the whole forest.

justkeeponlivin216 karma

What is the most beautiful song you've ever heard?

NickOfferman1351 karma

When my wife and I met doing a play at The Evidence Room in LA, we were backstage and she whisper/sang In The Gloaming into my ear. I busted out my MetroCard and hopped the express train to BONER TOWN.

archju01194 karma

Your AMA's are always entertaining. I've had a beard off and on for the past 12 years but this will be the first time I've had one while both hearing of beard balm and having a fiancée. In advance of the gift giving season of Christmas, do you have a recommended beard balm that the fiancée might be interested in gifting me for my and her pleasure?

Side note: I really enjoy this short film which you narrated earlier this year: The Gunfighter. Everyone I've showed it to has laughed throughout.

NickOfferman236 karma

Thanks for the nice compliment. I have not heard of Beard Balm.

scottyb83187 karma

What is your favorite meal?

NickOfferman674 karma

In Belly.

Turrrrrr159 karma

What other actor would you most like to have a brawl with?

NickOfferman467 karma

Josh Brolin because he is my pal, and I could say, "Whoa, Josh, hold up. What if instead of brawling we share a hug and then enjoy a couple cans a'suds?"

Rayce93151 karma

Hello! First, I would like to say that you are an immensely interesting individual with a manliness that can't be matched. As for my question, what is the most valuable piece of knowledge you are willing to pass on to a young man like me?

NickOfferman855 karma

Find people to inspire you in sources that aren't television.

boobiebanger150 karma

Who's your favorite European?

NickOfferman517 karma


jessicaQ142 karma

Could you be any sexier?

NickOfferman574 karma

You would change your tune if you were reclining here with me in this roiling cloud of BEEF-FOG.

yarsbars72 karma

So my boyfriend is starting to get really into wood working and I must know what would be a good gift for a beginner slowly reaching intermediate? I've already bought him your book so I'm not sure if there's anything else that could top that. Thanks in advance!

PS: You're amazing.

NickOfferman127 karma

I love Jim Tolpin's Table Saw Magic

wisconsinrules861 karma

What is the best number and why?

NickOfferman206 karma

69, obviously, because 3x23

pregnantbaby58 karma

Oh shit, you're still here? That was going to be my first question. Since my follow-up question is based on your answer to the first question I'll wait to ask it. But since I don't usually make IMA's in time I might ask anyway, since the psychic I called hung up on me. What do you suppose crickets mean in my life? I've given them rides on my driver side window four times. One time was a day I got a flat tire on the freeway. The next time I saw a cricket on my car, a car had blown out it's tire on the same road that I noticed the cricket (after I got my tire fixed) answer at will, if you wish. Cheers.

NickOfferman171 karma

Crickets are delicious and not an inconsiderable source of protein.

yorepresent53 karma

Your book was fantastic. It instilled a great desire to see live acting. Where is the best place to see things of this sort in NYC besides Broadway?

NickOfferman178 karma


EpikWarlord50 karma

How long have you played the Saxophone for?

NickOfferman192 karma

up to 35 minutes.

Eletheo34 karma

Just wanted to say I loved your book and I can't wait to get one of the Offerman Rockets! I've had a 24" board for a decade and it will be great to be able to put that beautiful thing on the wall and take the Rocket out on the streets!

My question is, what made you guys want to make a skateboard?*

*Full disclosure, I have to ask a question to post!

NickOfferman76 karma

Matt Micucci at Offerman Woodshop is solely responsible for the ROCKET. He is in charge of hip items, also neato-keen trinkets and fly shit. He makes the Pop Top and the Kazoo, he plays the ukulele, operates puppets, and he's cute as shit.

b33fm833 karma

Meat and whiskey alone: ?/10 Meat and whiskey rice: ?/10 ?

NickOfferman177 karma

If you're taking whiskey rice, PLEASE GET HELP. That shit is no joke. ZERO OUT OF TEN!

Poc4e28 karma

Hello Du... I mean Mr Offerman... What is your favorite musical instrument?

NickOfferman80 karma


str8faced33324 karma

Bong, joint, bubbler, vape, homemade Swanson wood pipe? What's your favorite way to smoke?

NickOfferman111 karma

In the woods.

Dadebayo8421 karma

What's favorite kind of steak?

EDIT: What's your favorite kind of steak?

NickOfferman143 karma

In Belly.

Soggy0ates18 karma

Dear Mr. Offerman. if you read, I would just like to say thank you. I know you are an actor that has had a very interesting life and a decent about of luck getting to where you are, and thats one of the real things I look up to you for.

Firstly, Im currently reading your book and it is delightful.

Secondly, it was you as inspiration that I got began woodworking a few month ago. It is delightful and my first true hooby

Lastly: My Female companion said she sent you a letter in the mail a while back hoping for a response but that never came and was quite saddened by this. Would it be possible to see if you did receive the letter? I could message you her name. Thanks!

NickOfferman41 karma

I try to answer all mail but I have been too swamped so I have a mountain of mail to get to. Apologies for tardiness, I truly do my best.

Bgnarly2110 karma

I just watched Somebody Up There Likes Me today. Great film. You were hilarious in it!

What do you think is the biggest difference between acting in a film or an on-going TV series such as Parks and Rec?

NickOfferman27 karma

Thank you, I am very proud of that film! The filmmaker Bob Byington is smart as shit and also really funny and one of my favorite writers. Megan's too. A lot of similarities in film and TV acting, but I guess a film moves more slowly, so you can try and make each moment a bit more of a work of art, whereas TV you're doing the same thing but just much faster. Also a TV role on a series that lasts is nifty because you get to keep creating the character with the writers over years, which is incredibly satisfying.

anarchyismymistress10 karma

I love all your work and your book is amazing! If you could say one thing to someone who is struggling trying to decide what they want to do with their life, what would you say?

NickOfferman51 karma

Figure out what you love to do, then discern how one may be paid to do it.