I am Stuart Ashen AKA "Ashens", YouTube comedy-bloke. AMA

Hello from Japan! ...where it is 5am right now.

I want to thank you for taking time out to do an AMA. I hope you don't mind me asking three questions, I promise they are good ones.

1. How similar is the Ashens character, both in your regular YouTube work and in the upcoming film, to the real life Stuart Ashen?

2. How has reaching this level of popularity affected your daily life? (For example, do you constantly find yourself hunting for material? Are you more cautious now as not to have stalkers following you home? Do you feel pressure to be funny?)

3. Living in Japan, I have access to quite a wide variety of items that may not be widely available in the UK. I would love to send something interesting, but don't want to end up spending huge amounts on postage just to send something you already have ten of. What sort of items do you most appreciate receiving? What do you receive far too much of? (Interested in Wonderswan cartridges? Late 70s Japanese portable LSI games?)

Thank you again! If you ever come to Japan and are in need of a professional interpreter, or even just need a translation for some bit of electronics, I would be happy to volunteer my services.

1) It's not really a character when I review things, just a certain way to use language. The film Ashens is a slightly different beast to me - he's more obsessive and insular.

2) I'm still very low on the ladder of popularity so it's made no difference at all really.

3) I have access to Wonderswan cartridges, but old LSI games would be great!

Hi Stuart!

1. What did you do for a living before YouTube? Did you use your psychology PhD?

2. Have you ever recived something too wierd/disgusting in your P/O box to be put in a video?

3. How did you obtain your Mr Noseybonk mask?

4. Are you still in touch with Charlie Brooker following your Noseybonk cameo on Screenwipe?

5. Am I right in thinking that the famous brown sofa set is at your father's house? If so, why do you choose to shoot them there instead of your own home?

6. Will you ever get bored of parading crap around in front of a videocamera? Or do you plan to keep making videos for ever and ever?

7. Can you explain the faces that show up for a couple of frames in some of your videos?

8. Why don't you have a car?

9. What are your views on The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim?

1) Loads of things! I've had about five distinct jobs. And no.

2) Yep, the dead duck was just horrible.

3) It was made by a friend who is a professional special-effects person.

4) I've never been in touch with him - you deal with the producers for TV stuff.

5) You are 100% of correct. And because it's funnier!

6) I don't think I could stop now if I wanted. It gnaws at my very soul.

7) Eh?

8) Because they're very expensive to run and I haven't driven for 17 years.

9) I liked it and played it for about 35 hours. Found it a bit samey after a while.

Hi Stuart!! I'm a big fan, so thanks for doing this AMA. I have a few questions for you:

1) Have Poundland staff ever recognised you? (or anyone else?)

2) What is your favourite film or films? (I've heard you mention The Blues Brothers and Fight Club, which are my favourites)

3) Are you aware of the subreddit /r/ashens?

4)I just got past page 192 of your book, 'Fifty-Thousand Shades Of Grey'. It completely blew me away. I was wondering where you got the inspiration for such a riveting storyline?

Once again thanks for doing this AMA!!

1) I've never been recognised in Poundland. Occasionally people spot me out and about.

2) I love so many films. Good psychological horrors are a particular favourite - today's recommendation is obscure Canadian frightener "Pin".

3) Yes - I post there sometimes.

4) I'm gonna be honest here - it's actually page 43 reversed!

Any plans for Poundland Food Special in the near future? (Fingers Crossed!)

Not really - I've got a lot of dodgy food to go through, but none of it came from Poundland. Their food is generally high quality, they just sell it in small amounts.

What's the best part of reviewing absolute shit tat on youtube?

Have you had any gripe from the poundshops for your commentary?

Big fan.

1) The money, of course! (Points into camera, winks, smiles as teeth glint with audible pinging sound)

2) Nope. What would they care?

What's your next video that will be going up on your channel?

That's never a certain thing, but it's currently looking like a packet of 24-year-old gummi sweets.

What arcade cabinet main board do you have in the oven at the moment?

They're in the garage now. I bought some waterproof plastic boxes.

If asked to host 'Have I Got News For You', would you?

No Englishman could turn down that gig.

How many officers did it take to arrest you after using the PCP Station?

Bill, Gerry, Jon, and that special constable guy with the missing finger who nobody can remember the name of.

What were the best and worst tasting things you have eaten on the show? (not counting the thousand year old egg)

Best - Probably the salmiakki. Worst: Those hideously foul German creme-egg looking things that tasted of bitter lemon. (I got loads of e-mail from Germans saying they hate them too!)

What toy from the 70s/80s/90s do you think should make a comeback?

I'd like to see a Teddy Ruxpin that only recites creepypastas in the voice of Gilbert Gottfried.

I ordered a copy of Ashenthology and kept the envelop it arrived in. I've still got it now and refuse to get rid of it. Is this weird?

Yes. I have informed the authorities.

Do you think the pop stations will ever stop being manufactured? And if not, do you think they will one day reach critical mass and take over the world?

I think fake electronics are here to stay. Some of the phones are actually getting quite good!

Hey!

1) Do you still own your PS Vita and 3DS? If so, Why so? If not, why not? You could so a "one/two year on" review of them!

2) Who is your favorite fictional character?

1) Vita - No, 3DS - Yes. Occasionally there are 3DS games I want to play (got my eye on Fire Emblem next) but there's been absolutely nothing that's interested me on the Vita. My main hope for the Vita now is that they hack it to play PS2 games at some point in the distant future...

2) Bixby Snyder.

Hey thanks for doing this Stuart, big fan from the UK since the Popstation. What made you want to start doing the reviews and did you forsee the couch as a major part?

It all happened to by accident - An Ebay link for the original POP Station was posted on a forum I used to frequent. I ended up buying it, and ad-libbed a quick video to show it to the other forum members who were interested. Somebody must have sent it to B3ta as it was in their newsletter the following week. I only expected about twenty specific people to watch it, so didn’t introduce myself or put my website address on it or anything. The main reason I made a second video was to prove that I’d made the first one!

(I didn't foresee anything as being involved as I didn't plan any of it.)

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1) Too many to list. Things like HDMI cables and spare phone cables and soap and...

2) Mister Perry is as Mister Perry does.

Hello!

The Couch. Does anyone use it for couchy purposes or when you're not filming is it sealed off and studied by scientists considering the amount of truly out-of-this-world crap that has landed on it over the years?

It's a real sofa - people sit on it and wonder why it's covered in Terminator bio-flesh.

Two questions!

1) What's the weirdest thing someone has sent you?

2) Have you kept anything you bought to show in a video, if so, what was it?

1) A stuffed duck, presumably sent by an unhinged taxidermist. I'm not a fan of dead animals so was less than amused.

2) Yes - most of the things! (Especially retro gadgetry.)

Is your home overrun with stuff to review?

Yes. I've moved a lot of stuff into the garage but it's still tat central here.

Hi Dr. Ashens,

Got several questions for you:

1. What are you going to wank to since Cameron decided to be a dickbag?

2. Will you ever travel to the US for conventions?

3. What was your inspiration to make Henry Pickles, will he appear again, and most importantly will he get a whippet dog?

I also thank you for the content you have produced over the past few years. They have shaped me into the man I am today, a twisted man waiting for death like a baby wanting the teat of it’s mother.

Much love, itsimplyis.

1) I'll be fine - Fortunately I'm sexually aroused by governments sneaking in control systems under the guise of moral authority!

2) No plans for that. It's super-expensive and I'm always hearing horror stories from people suffering at the hands of US customs. And to be frank, I don't think I've got a big enough fan base to make it worthwhile anyway.

3) I think Henry came out of a daft conversation with an ex-girlfriend. I might bring him back one day, but even simple animation is such a pain in the arse that I could do five other things in the time it would take to make one video.

Isn't it about time to buy a new sofa?

No, that time was around twenty years ago.

Hi, I was wondering if it'd be possible for you to get a set of those "the goose" from wholesalers and sell them on your blog or something? I've been looking everywhere to get one :<

Also I love your videos and all, I hope you never stop!

No chance - the minimum order is 1000 pieces! (Imagine if they all went off at once...)

Firstly, I love all of your videos so thanks for making them.

Secondly, what is your favourite piece of technology?

Thirdly, what is your most hated product of all time?

Good luck on Quest for the Game Child!

1) THAT IS NOT A QUESTION >>ERROR

2) Probably my phone. I literally carry it everywhere!

3) Anything that simply does not do what it's supposed to. The ultimate example is probably Syncronys' SoftRAM.

As you are (no offence) getting older, are there any plans for having a baby, let's say an Ashens 2.0?

Nope!

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Nope!

What is a piece of tat that you actually like?

Also can you tell us your role on the comeback episode of Knightmare?

DUNGEONEER. I got to wear the bucket Helmet of Justice!

Hey Stuart! I've been watching your videos ever since!

Couple things:

1.What was the worst thing you ever ate?

2.How long is the Gamechild movie?

1) Probably some lobster I had in a restaurant once that gave me severe food poisoning.

2) From memory - the final cut is about 84 minutes.

Since you have moved your blind bags to your main channel, what are you going to do with your 2nd channel now that its not been used in awhile?

What it was originally designed for - little extra things. A bit like DVD extras, except somebody might actually watch these.

So have you had another 1000 year egg?

No. Very much no.

If you had to create some piece of tat, what would it be?

Probably a book that just repeats the same phrase over and over.

Hi Ashens! Been a fan since your Neo Double Games review. Love your videos. Now here are my questions:

• Do you take any safety precautions when you blowtorch something?

• Did you ever get legitimately ill from any of your Food Special review items?

1) YouTube wasn't even a thing when I did the first review - it was originally uploaded to some kind of file storage site.

2) Of course! FIRE KILLS. THINK ABOUT IT.

3) Not yet...

Hello Stuart! I have been watching your videos for years now, since the Neo Double Games review in which you said a naughty word (which I was completely oblivious to at the time.)

I just want to say thank you for you continued effort; you've inspired me to do the odd video myself. A few questions though:

What do you do with all of your tat after you have finished the videos?

Roughly what percentage of the tat do you end up keeping after you film it?

Thanks for everything!

1) I either keep it, bin it, or give it to the charity shop near my house.

2) I'd say about 20%. It's only the electronic stuff and things for the shelf of interesting items really.

Weirdest video that you made?

Breakfast Mess takes some beating.

Two today:

1. Do you ever get funny looks while picking up crap in Poundland?
2. Have you ever been recognized by any of the staff?

Thanks Ashens!

1) Nope - The sort of people who would give you funny looks in Poundland would never go in Poundland...

2) Nope!

Will you attend gamescom this year? And if so, will you sign my copy of your novel?

Nope - nobody's paying for me to go this year!

Will there be a sequel to game child if it is super popular? or is this your last film

Also i love you

We'd love to do a sequel but it would have to be super-popular. I hope it's at least popular enough to prove the idea works, then it could lead to a slew of professional quality movies starring YouTube people more famous than me.

Why Noseybonk?

Like he gave me a choice...

Hey Stuart. Are you making any plans to be at anymore cons? I met you onstage at London gaming con and it was a lot of fun. And no, I still wouldn't give you any of my food :p

Pfft. That rice looked terrible anyway.

No plans for any cons at the moment.

HI STUART!! Probably the biggest question that is going to be asked, but Who is the random person who flashes up in your videos from time to time?

Eh?

Did you have any unpleasant encounters with tat toys in your childhood that you remember/regret?

Chargertron. Fucking Chargertron.

I have one - I'll do a video on it one day.

What is your day job? Does it utilize your Phd?

I write and perform comedy, and act. Keep up, fella!

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Probably the NeoGeo Pocket Color. Used to be the Atari Lynx, and I'm enjoying the TurboExpress more and more. To be honest I love most handheld consoles.

What was it like working with Tim Burton in Planet of the Apes?

Wait a minute... You're not Mark Wahlberg. Where the hell am I?

I know your face...

Hello Stuart. I think I am your youngest fan, probably not. (15) Here's my questions: 1. What do you think of those Spitting Image-esque Tony Blair mask thingies? 2. I bought a horrible PC version of Vectroids from Poundland recently, have you also encountered it? 3. Will Popstation Watch be revived in the future 4. Is this IAmA rated 0-3 sad onions?

1) I have never formulated an opinion on them.

2) Don't remember that one! I miss the good old days ten years ago when Poundland had old PC games overstock like Hexen 2 and that War of the Worlds RTS.

3) Yes. But true POP Stations are slowly dying out.

4) Of course!

1) What is Chef Excellence doing? Will he be appearing again?

2) Century Egg or Hunger Breaks Bolognese?

3) How much abuse has that couch taken?

4) I miss the POP station watch. Any return of it?

1) Much like Pinocchio, Chef Excellence has become a real human being! He will be appearing in the feature film 'Ashens and the Quest for the GameChild.' And then in some videos later when I tempt him with gin.

2) Bolognese.

3) Too much. Far too much.

4) Yep, but they'll be few and far between as there aren't that many left...

Would you mind people sending you completely random tat that might not cost the equivalent of £1? I know I have some stuff that might prove interesting for one of your reviews but doesn't cost £1.

They do that all the time! The pound rule only extends to Poundland Specials, and then I'm probably breaking it as I have no idea of the price of most donated items.

Any plans for another Ashenthology DVD/betamax in the near future?

Nope!

How did the Silver Skull come to exist?

Same with Nosybonk.

The Silver Skull was intended to poke fun at an odd trend in review videos, where the presenters started adding dramatised storylines. They often featured some kind of incompetent arch-villain, so I came up with one so incompetent that it doesn't make any sense. For some reason the audience took a shine to him so he keeps popping up from time to time. He's now gained a sidekick, Malvolio, and appears on the YouTube channel "The Multiverse" where he's gearing up to be the arch-nemesis of their resident superheroes Knighthood and Decoy.

Noseybonk was a real children's TV character from the eighties. He made me carry him back from the dark place.

Hey there Mr Ashen, I'm a big fan of yer videos, they're just fantastic!

My question is, what inspired you to start reviewing cheap tat?

Thanks for the AMA, I'm sure it will be insightful! :D

There's a hefty answer to that floating around elsewhere on the page.

What's the worst thing you've ever bought from a poundland?

A set of screwdrivers that immediately broke.

If Poundland were to offer you the starring role in an ad campaign for their shops what would you say?

I'd say "Pull the other one mate, it's got bells on."

I remember you saying in one video that you were shy before. What has changed in your life that made you not?

The usual - got older, stopped caring about what other people might think.

Are there any videos you've filmed that have never seen the light of day? If so, why?

Not really - I can usually work out from an item whether it'll make a good review before I film.

I do have a really long review of an o2 Joggler that I recorded and somehow forgot about! Might put it on the Extras channel.

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I really like 5 Second Films at the mo.

Hey Stuart - you're awesome - here's a serious question. - If you could explode one thing, what would it be?

The moth that's fluttering around this room as I type.

Why do you review on your couch When you (probably) have a table?

Tables suck.

I've seen all your videos for two reasons; I'm a big fan and I'm a masochist.

Answer me these questions three:

1. Who is the child at the end of this video? It's like the ransom video super villains make after they've taken hostages, only a bit nicer.

2. Have you heard of this chap?. He makes toy review videos too except he's charming, lovely, posh, reviews good toys, and his videos are short and concise. So more or less your exact opposite. I'd love to see some sort of meet-up/collaboration video with you two, will you make my dream come true? Look, just do it, alright?

3. And if you were to make a game what would it be like?

Really looking forward to Ashens and the Quest for the GameChild.

1) That's Ryan from the Soda Stream video (Also 'Chef Control' from the xmas video) when he was much younger.

2) Not encountered him before. He seems like an upstanding fellow.

3) The best game ever! Or just Rise of the Robots with altered sprites.

Do you warn anyone who wants to sit on the sofa?

People don't need warning. Have you seen it?

One more. Do you think doing this in reddit comments was a bad idea?

No. It's how it's done, man!

Have you ever heard of the mega duck, (the hand held game console not some sort of monster duck)? If so would you want to review one?

Yes! It's also known as the "Cougar Boy". And yes.

Big fan, fellow Norwich Dweller. What do you honestly think of Norwich, and how often do you go to poundland?

I love Norwich. I go to Poundland at least once a week.

Are you trying to bring back Knightmare or is it a one off?

It's a one-off, but if it's successful then who knows?

How big is your penis?

Not as big as the one in your ear.

Hello!

1) Are you worried about inhaling anything dangerous from all the crap you burn?

2) Do you wear a gas mask or anything when your burn things?

An excellent AMA.

1) + 2) I actually wear a mask and record the spoken audio later. MAGIC OF TELEVISION, INNIT

Hey Ashens! I was wondering what it was which spurred you to start reviewing what is best described as 'tat'?

There's a big fat reply to that very question floating around this page somewhere.

What achievement in your life are you the most proud of.

Completing Dungeon Master on the Atari ST.

How did you find out you was going to be in Knightmare, or did you audition? Was it like a childhood dream come true?

I was asked if I wanted to do it, so of course said "HELL YEAH!" immediately. Then I got a bit worried in case it was some god-awful parody where the game wasn't taken seriously. Then I found out it was being done properly so I said "Phew!" and had a sandwich.

It was indeed a childhood dream come true, although I'd have been too shy & scared to have done it at the time.

Would you ever even contemplate getting a new sofa ?

God yes. This one's knackered! But I'd need to keep one part for review purposes.

as we know you are a huge gamer, what is your opinion on the PS4/Xbox One? what is my generation of teenage gaming compared to yours?

1) No idea. Far too early to tell - it's all down to the games, innit?

2) I don't understand this question, so here's a picture of a happy man wearing a big green hat - http://static.neatoshop.com/images/product/44/7144/Giant-Leprechaun-Hat_37956-l.jpg?v=37956

What's up with all those random millisecond second shots of some guy's face in certain videos?

Eh?

Hey Stuart, huge fan!

My question is, out of all the food people have sent to you, has any of those ever make you physically ill or get food poisoning.

Thanks!

Not yet...