I am a British policeman of 10 years. AMA

Ever said 'ello ello, what's all this then?'

Yes and it brought me a great deal of satisfaction. I'd literally been waiting years for it

What about "You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty!", a la Life Of Brian?

I shout "your nicked" as often as possible. But try and refrain from swearing... Unless they made me run. I hate running.

Don't you ever get pissed off that you can't give a smack to some of the little cunts?

Frequently. But I'm Supposed to be a pacifist.

how about "Open up, its the pigs?" like Neil from the young ones

Nope not yet. But now you've mentioned it it'll happen by the end of the week.

Can you comment on the circumstances in which you got to say it?

Came across a car with 4 lads smoking weed. I was on foot Patrol at night. It made us all chuckle.

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Warnings all round.

from /r/trees we love you!

I love you too stone man.

Is it true there is a place on a mans head, that if you shoot it, it will blow up?

Didn't you listen to a thing I told you in class?

What's your personal opinion of the British police not carrying weapons in normal situations?

Luckily we don't need them yet, however I would feel safer if I had an a option of a taser. I gun crime is on the up, but we have very few handgun crimes But I imagine in the future we will need to arm officers. Hopefully not in my lifetime.

Ever seen Hot Fuzz? and if so, ever reenacted anything from it?

I love hot fuzz. So much. The fence chasing hit is pretty realistic. As Danny of course. And I have chased a swan for the best part of an hour.

I noticed that you characterized yourself as a policeman. However, official vocab guideline states that men in the service are be referred to as officers.

Force of habit. Difficult to teach an old dog new tricks.

I hear that the paperwork is the most realistic bit in the movie. Care to comment?

True. But they realise this now and are trying to improve things. There will always be a lot of paperwork if you want to put bad guys away.

Would you (or other policeman you know) mind if I made a reference or two to Hot Fuzz, when seeing you around?

Some guy said I was like the cops out of superbad. I loved it. I'm a movie geek, so anything like that is cool.

do you wear one of those hats that look like a boob?

Yep, actually quite comfortable. Not great in the sun though. I and the silver nipped keeps falling off.

Has a pregnant lady peed in it?

Nope. That's never been a real law. The just happened at the London County fair once.

I am going to be in England for a couple weeks later this month. What is one thing foreigners, especially Americans, do there that they are shocked to find is illegal?

Drive on the right! Joke, normally the yanks are very respectful and ask first or ate very cautious. I suppose we can be strict with arresting people for public order offences. If you say anything, do anything, display any sign that is offensive, harassing, alarming or distressing it can be an offence under the public order act. A lot of tourists have a drink and then shout "freedom of speech' after they get arrested for a drunken tirade of abuse.

Thanks for answering. I actually am a little bit nervous about driving on the left but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. lol.

Don't panic man, when I travel abroad it takes a little while to adjust. Good luck.

Is there a law that you disagree with, but still have to enforce anyway? Do you usually give a warning or go by the book when you have to enforce said law?

Not really. We only give warnings for cannabis these days which I think is best. I've never liked arresting people for having a joint. But equally I think if people are stupid enough to break a law so obviously they deserve to get caught.

I suppose I don't really do traffic stuff, I tend to give verbal warnings for things like seat belts. Anything dangerous though, I'll write up.

Wow you give warnings for seatbelt offences there? You sure are nice. I live in Australia and a girl I know was booked and almost lost her license because a cop THOUGHT she didn't have a seatbelt on, even though she did. Basically she was driving behind a highway patrol car, and in his rear view mirror he saw her scratch her shoulder, which he interpreted as her quickly putting on her seatbelt (but it was on the whole time). So he pulled her over and wrote her a ticket, then started shouting and verbally abusing her when she denied having done anything wrong. Then he got so angry he wrote up 4 more infractions, one for each of her tyres, which weren't even bald, just because he thought they were running low. Poor girl was traumatised for life.

Ouch.

Is racism still a thing in the force? You don't hear too much about it these days?

I've only ever seen two racist officers and both got the sack. Those people are scum as far as I'm concerned. Most of us are Ok. But we are a southern force I hear rumours it's worse up north

I've only ever seen two racist officers and both got the sack. Those people are scum as far as I'm concerned. Most of us are Ok. But we are a southern force I hear rumours it's worse up north

What is "a sword and an oath" a reference to?

The reason I joined the police is because when I started karate I had to swear an oath to protect those less able to defend themselves. (I joined a samurai Buddhist school of karate.) I used to collect samurai swords, recondition them and sell them on. But I had one I loved, and have been working on for years.

I went through a lot of problems as a kid and was homeless for a while. The day I applies to join the police all I had in the world, my mum had thrown out. All I saved was my guitar, my sword and a small bag of clothes. It strick me as I was standing in the dark that all I really had was a sword and an oath.

That's pretty cool.

Thanks man. A tough time in my life. But I'm a better cop for it.

As someone who has lived in Japan for the past 8 years... WTF is a "samurai Buddhist school of karate"?

Sorry I dumbed it down Massively. My sensai taught karate within the framework of yamamoto musashi 's samurai teachings. He was also a devout Buddhist and would teach buddha' s teachings after class. He was a pacifist and so am I.

What's the difference between the hats you guys wear? Mainly the peaked cap and the helmets? I see you guys wearing both and I don't know why you have different hats!

The peaked flat caps were introduced when cars became part of policing. Any officer in a vehicle. Would wear it (not whilst in the actual vehicle) for general duties. For foot duties only a sergeant or above may wear it. Constables wear the custodian helmet. (the one that looks like a boob)

I read somewhere that the helmets cover the eyebrows because it hides expressions of fear, and seems more intimidating,

I believe that's what I was told years and years ago. Also it forces you to raise your chin and correct your posture to something befitting an officer.

the one that looks like a boob

Has it been worn like one?

Yes. When bored.

How would you handcuff a one-armed suspect?

To a belt loop, belt or ankle.

Should marijuana in the UK be 1. Legalised 2. Decriminalised 3. Moved back to a class C drug 4. kept in its B classification.

Legalise it but make it illegal to smoke in public. The damage is from the illegal trade not the user's.

OP has verified with the mods.

Took me a while. Sorry team

How do you deal with a situation where a criminal has a gun?

Not trying to be a combative at all, as an American I have just always wondered this! :)

Nope, it's a fair question. The majority of time a firearms unit gets called in the first instance. There have been a few times when I've been faced with a gun. First tactic is to negotiate, second is to run a and find cover, keeps observed until firearms arrive. The last is to fight. They don't teach how to disarm so you go with your gut. The last time there was a shooting we all ran into the parking lot, we're faced with a gang with huns and we used the moment the of surprise to punch everyone in sight until we had control.

and we used the moment the of surprise to punch everyone in sight until we had control.

You tough mother fuckers.

Nope, scared shitless. Survival mode kicked in.

Tough survival motherfuckers.

You crack me up and warm My heart.

So when you say firearms unit do you mean that there is a unit that does have guns that comes out? (I guess something like SWAT team in the USA)

Yeah pretty much.

Oh, for a second I thought your typo was serious and you were punching Huns. I was thinking, man England is weird.

It still is weird

In my country most of the population don't think highly on the police and generally don't have a lot of respect toward them.

What do you think can change that?

Thanks.

Change of culture. Here we suffered from the corruption of the 80's and 90's in the police. It took a huge legislative overhaul. A new culture of public service, anti corruption and diversity. and finally retiring the old school people, only hiring cops who want to dot he right thing.

alright mate.

I would love to know the effect "24-drinking" had on the nation with regards to public behaviour and the quantity of arrests.

Honestly, it didn't happen where I work. I wish I could tell you what happened nationally but that information was collected in a study and I don't really know what happened. It made some places a night are to work, like Brighton and Manchester, but I only hear that from pals working there.

Do you know if any of your traffic police colleagues play "vehicle snooker" or is it a myth? i.e. Pull over a red car, then a colour corresponding to snooker ball colours and try to get a high "break".

Totally true.

Is being a police officer anything like this?

Hah a little bit in some areas, our pcso is really good.

Have you ever agreed with a person you've had to arrest? for example, at politcal rallys and demonstrations things can get very heated and quickly escalate. I attended one demonstration in london a few years back, and one minute it was all peaceful and there were small groups singing together in Trafalgar square, the next minute hundreds of riot police with shields and batons swarmed everyone from all angles, yet any police officer i personally spoke to that night apologised for what was going on and stated they're just doing what they had to even though some of them agreed with the things the demonstration was about. Others werent so lucky though, as i saw 3 police officers beat up an innocent man just cause he happened to be standing in between them and some violent youths throwing bottles.

Yeah I've totally agreed with some people. I'm also a riot officer and we have protesters who are basically racist and then antifascist protectors. The second group are reasonable but overstep the mark and get upset that they are being arrested. I have to explain that even though the other guys are scum, they didn't go too far.

Sorry you had to see you bad policing like that. It reflects on all of us badly.

EDL and UAF? lol

Yup

When ever I am lost, I always ask police officers where the best pub is, and I always find my way to a good pub. How do officers have an excellent knowledge of pubs in the area? are you specially trained?

Also kudos to the UK police for always being so nice to lost people :)

As a police officer we take time to involve ourselves in training, we love you the public so much has that we give up our own time on Friday nights, spending hours to find good pubs.

You're welcome.

What is the weirdest call you have responded to?

Invisible magicians burgling a guys house. You can imagine my thoughts when I got that call.

Did you catch the magicians? I'm guessing not, as they were invisible and all. Pretty crafty of them.

You won't believe this. My colleague who was older and much wiser, faked arresting them, had A fake fight in the house and hauled them off to the car. The guy was so happy. That particular officer is my own personal hero.

Ha, that's awesome! But now we run the risk that there's a real pack of invisible magician thieves running amok about the country.

I have set up a squad with my buddy as the head. Don't worry, he's all over it.

I have a few questions!

1. I've noticed that a lot of English people seem to think that we have similar laws to the US, case in point freedom of speech. My question here is to what extent do we actually have 'freedom of speech' in the UK? I'm aware we don't have it like the Yanks do but I'm unclear on what the exceptions are.

2. If someone gets arrested in England and gets processed (fingerprints, mugshot etc) but isn't charged, for what period of time do the police keep that information?

3. Do you ever get the feeling that there are a lot of people that take an immediate disliking to you just because you're a cop? Where I live people have a negative view of the police even though personally I find it unfair that they have a negative view of the people who are ultimately protecting them.

Thank you for the AMA and your work!

Freedom of speech is definitely by the human rights act. We have it up to the point you commit an offence. All rights are qualified rights who have mean you have then and can easily exercise them as far as legally possible. Where the police and state can put controls or preventative measures on you. Except the freedom To worship and believe which is absolute. If you think about it even the right to life is not absolute a cop can legally shoot you in certain circumstances.

They stay on forever unless you apply to have them taken off.

Yes some people just hate the uniform. Sometimes they have been abused by the police but the majority of the time they refuse to see how their own actions affect situations a blame none else.

But our job is to break down barriers. I try to end every Contact with a handshake.

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I don't mind if I'm not busy. I quite often photobomb tourists

You are a hero

Nope. But there are a lot out there. But thank you.

HOW STIFF IS YOUR UPPER LIP?

So stiff I can barely talk. I have a flourishing Constables moustache.

Is a pregnant lady actually allowed to urinate in your hat?

Nope. It's never been true

what is the most dangerous situation you've ever been in?

1. Heard a bang, ran round a corner, looking down a barrel of a gun.

2. Chased a dealer over a fence, fell into a brick wall, broke 2 ribs, caught up with him had a fight where I couldn't breath at all.

3.cornered two suspects after a foot chase and had a fight next to a busy road where they tried to push me into traffic.

All we're solved with the application of a very good right hook then left cross.

Do you think criminals are more likely to fight you because you are unarmed?

Yes. To be honest. The level of unnarmed violence towards officers has steadily gone up over the years

Of all the AMAs I have ever read, yours is by far my favorite. You seem to have such a great spirit about you. A thanks, for all you do, from across the pond.

Thank you so much. I kind of felt I had to do this. So people see it from our point of view. And that we aren't all bad.

Ever had to deal with a riot?

Yeah. London riots, as well as some local ones on a smaller scale. Both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. The most physically challenging things I've ever done.

Ever had to stop in the middle of a nice cup of tea to fight crime?

Yes many a times. I was once attacked mid kebab.

Did you like 'Life on Mars'?

Loved it. Absolutely loved it. Here hunt is a bit of a hero.

Hey. Brit here. First let me just thank you for doing what you do. Don't really get the chance to say that to the police. So thanks mate.

I always want to ask this question but it's never appropriate for face to face. I will understand if you do not wish to answer if it's not something to share.

What is the worst thing you have seen/been to?

No I understand why your asking. And we'll done for the most appropriate forum. A. Few things really. The most emotion draining is when a young girl told me she was being molested. I hate when people Hurt kids. Suicides are most grotesque, especially under a train. Spousal abuse makes me angry as I hate bullies.

Weirdest experiance?

Arresting a blues brother whilst dressed as a pimp.

Could you elaborate on this story?

Yeah I was off duty at a fancy dress party with another cop. Two folks dresses as the blues brothers started drunkenly smashing windows. When uniform Turned up they didn't know what was going on.

The two cops were dressed as a pimp. And a hippy flower child.

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In a lot of areas they are seen as a waste of money by officers. But in a few like mine they are valued. I promise.

What do you think of any barristers you come across?

Most of them are bloody good at their jobs. It's lawyers and legal reps I generally have run ins with. 90 % are good. But as with all jobs, a few unprofessional, corrupt or just down right incompetent

Most of them are bloody good at their jobs. It's lawyers and legal reps I generally have run ins with. 90 % are good. But as with all jobs, a few unprofessional, corrupt or just down right incompetent

What is the most disturbing incident you have witnessed? And on the other hand, what was the funniest?

Witnessed ; probably domestic attempt murder I saw him stab her as I was running up. Funniest was when I saw a conga line of smurfs go through a firearms hostage stand off.

Have islamaphobic crimes been on the rise since the woolwich incident. Ive heard some pretty bad stories about stuff thats been happening to muslims lately. I mean my parents are scared of me going out of the house with a prayer hat still on.

Nationally yes a big rise. But n my area we have 3 mosques and only one issue so far. Hopefully no more

Out of interest, I once asked a police officer on the beat what my rights would be if I was arrested. I also asked at a front desk at a station. In both cases, they refused to tell me.

Why wouldn't they say, and do you think this sort of secrecy breeds trust in our police force?

They were both idiots. No reason at all to be like that. You have a right to have someone informed, or speak to them at your own cost. A right to legal rep, yours or a duty solicitor. A right tot read the codes of police practise.

Any of these rights can be delayed if vital to the investigation.

Do you have any tips/advice for people who are looking to join?

Research the job thoroughly, be prepared to have zero social life, and it takes years to get in. Be prepared for an uphill struggle. I promise, it's worth it.

I live in California where gun laws are very strict yet we still have very high crime rate and gang violence. What is your opinion on citizens having the right to bear arms?

We have no need here, nor any historical imperative. There are plenty of non lethal defences available. Marker sprays and such like. With cctv, mobile phones etc. There is rarely a case to argue to bearing arms. Here. The crime Rate is just so low.

Do people have a hard time taking you seriously with the checkered taxi hat, or is that just us?

Nope. I give them other reasons not to take me seriously. People have got used to the taxi hat.

What are your thoughts on the happenings in Woolwich a few weeks ago?

It was Terrible I hope those guys go to prison for life... Then die there of old age.

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He is at large. Repeat the swan is still at large.

What was the most disgusting situation you've come across?

A guy had gangrene with maggots coming out of his legs and arse. He assaulted a nurse so I arrested him, and found the maggots during a search. Bleugh

What's your perfect Sunday?

Ahh... I'll deal with this one sergeant.