I am a foster child who has been in the system for 11 years and is about to "age out" AMA!

Best of luck to you. I am an old ward of the state myself, having been in care for over 14 years and gone through 4 failed adoptions. It's very hard aging out, I wish you the best of luck in your transition and truly hope your state is there to assist you.

Thank you so much. How did your aging out go?

Mine was a bit less fortunate than others. I'm going to assume you probably have no contact with your parents, as most of us do. It's very difficult going from having everything taken care of for you (for the most part, foster children are coddled and kept in a protective bubble) to "Hey, you get to do everything now!" The learning process is difficult, and incredibly steep. Be mindful of the people you involve yourself with, and stay on top of your financials and you'll be golden. I just wish it didn't take me 8 years to finally get that sorted out :/

Wow..... thank you! Kinda freaks me out a little more but inspires me at the same time! What really gets me is a statistic that says only 5% of foster children make it to get their bachelors degree.

Hey man, I have a friend whose dad grew up just like you. I never really had a decent father figure growing up and I really admire the guy. He is a father of eight children and claims he's only had sex eight times, he is hilarious. Anyhow more to the point I was having a discussion with a friend of ours about how great and funny a guy he is and that I feel bad that he had to grow up under those circumstances. To which my friend replied dont ever feel bad for how he grew up he wouldnt be the awesome guy he is today had things been different.

Hey man give your friend a firm handshake fron me next time you see him and I would actually like to talk to his father about his experience and what helped him pull through. Is there anyway you can relay that to him?

I was in foster care for about 18 years. I signed myself out a few months after my 18th, moved out & was on my own.

Get your diploma, get a job and you'll do fine. Also, do a bit of saving before hand. It really helps.

18 years!?

My husband and I are looking into adoption of an older child in the near future. I have concerns/fears that we won't get along or they'll hate me. How do I know we will fit well? Is it like a job interview? Do we foster before adoption? I have reviewed my states laws and processes and it is extensive. I have found a few agencies online, but I feel like I'm shopping. Is there a way to meet people face to face or is it all through lawyers. Sorry for all the questions but most information I have found is about infant/toddler adoptions. Thank you!

Well you shoukd foster first so you can get to know them and see if they will get along with you (this is probablly going to difficult because if they are older then naturally they will have barriers and feel like they don't have time to let anyone else in their life who could possibly hurt them in the future so be prepared for that) so if everything goes ok Then adoption would be the next step. But your gonna be 110% sure they teen wants this. Cause if they arnt there will be complications. I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck on your choice :)

Since you're about to age out, I assume you never was adopted.

What was it like not finding a family after 11 years?

Well at first it would really mess with, I would lay awake late at night wondering why I couldn't be with the ones i loved? Eventually I would think that I was just alone in the world and no one really cared and that to them watching over me was just a job. These thoughts put me in a deep depression for a while, until I came to the realization that the other kids i lived with were my family in a way. We all went through the same pain some worst then others, we would fight and yell at each other but at the end of the day we all knew that we were in the same situation and that we were the only people who understood and this brought us together as a family. So in a way I was never really out of family I just wasn't aware of the one that was forming around me.

Who took care of you before you went into the system? What happened that made you go into the system? You mention a brother, did you spend your time together or were you separated?

What kind of transitional services are offered to you or are you tossed out onto the street?

And as for services when aging out, anyone who ages out of care gets a check of about $1200 every month till they are 22 called the Road to Independence check (RTI) to help us get on our feet, but one has to go to school full time to get this check. The system also gives us free college for our first two degrees.

Well before i stayed with my grandma and my other siblings but when my grandma had to leave to new york to care for her sister she left us in my parents hands. Long story short they couldn't pay for any of the bills or food. So one day my older broher talked to his guidence counselor and the next day the police came to the house and "forcefully" removed us from them.

do you think guidance counselors are too forceful/eager to have something to do in their lives?

My sister made something up to our teacher, who then told the guidance counselor, who then sat my 9 year old sister down, asking her tons of questions and calling child services.

Also, take advantage of the amazing opportunity to go to school for free. Study hard, and you'll find that the financial support is more than enough to make you super successful. If you want to go to UCF, go there, even if your brother isn't there, because right now his freelance career has a high chance to be unstable (moving and such), and the best thing for success in college is a stable environment.

Also, I saw that you were scared about failing. Your main focus for the next four years should be school. Just go to class, do your homework, and pay attention. Don't start drinking and stay away from kids who don't understand the importance of college who don't go to class. You will be fine.

Sometimes they can be quite intrusive and stuff like that can really force someone to start putting up barriers and overally making the counslers job alot more difficult so they should try to take a more "slowed" approach. abd thank you I have pretty bad anxiety so some times I can't help but worry lol

What's your plan after you move out?

Well currently I plan to move to Orlando and attend UCF but thats kinda shaky right now because I was planning to live with my brother up there but it seems like he is moving to California to pursue his Freelance career. So Im kinda thinking of alternatives now.

Hey bro, fellow former foster kid here! What location are you in, cause I was a California kid? Anyways, had the state introduce you to the Independent Living Skills Program (ILS/ILP depending where you are) and do you think those will be enough to cope with an interesting future?

Im in Florida! And they have started ILS training and stuff like that. And im not really sure hahaha! Did it help you? And did your aging out go smoothly?

Are you scared or excited?

Mostly Scarred to be honest, because I have been exposed to alot of the horrors of this world at a young age and I dont know if im prepared to handle it. I ask myself daily what am i going to do if this happens? or what if I fail how can i bounce back? thoughts like those haunt me. But im excited that I'll finally have the opportunity to make something of myself. So its kinda 60:40

Have you thought about getting a seasonal job? Like at a ski resort for a winter? I would highly suggest it.

Um never evn crossed my mind hahaha

I know ageing out and having to rely on yourself can be a hard thing, This would be a pretty easy transaction, with employee housing.

Hmm il look into that but theres no ski resorts in florida I don't believe. Is there any other jobs that have that?

In FL, maybe Disney or Orlando, probably a few hotels out there. I am from GA, I flew out to live in CO. There are white water rafting places that do that in TN I think. This site has a lot of interesting job listings.

Thanks man il check them out!

Don't do it. Go to school, get your degree, in math, then live your life. Pay back what you need to to square up the kindness you received as you were going through, then hell, i don't know, enjoy! I'm pushing fifty and struggling, don't you. Keep your shit together, fellow fosterite, and make something of yourself!

Thank you so much for the support! us fosterites gotta stick together! hahah

I'm in school to be a social worker. I've done a little bit of work with children in foster care, but not much.

Were/are you receiving any sort of counseling?

What could the workers involved with your case have done to make your experience better?

Im currently recieving therapy from a therapist that works from the company that finds the house. And my Case Workers were actually really good hahah so u wouldnt change much.

Did any foster parents abuse you in anyway? Ever slwep with your foster siblings?

Not really maybe verbally but thats petty haha. And no i haven't. I had a crush on my foster brother sister but thats it hahaha

How many foster parents have you had? Which one was the best, which the worst?

Ugh I had about 8. The worst was this lady who would tie 8 year old me to the bed at night time to keep me from "Jumping around". And the best one is the one Im currently staying with. I have been living in his group home for about 7 years now. At first I hated him because he was so strict and demanding at times but now I see him as a father. Its kinda weird how people grow on you hahaha

forgive if its insensitive, but what's your thoughts about parents who don't want their kid or abortion?

Personally i believe abortion should only be used in situations such as rape, to avoid any parent-child conflict. And for parents who don't want their kids....I don't even know if i could express my feelings in to words! Hahaha i believe no matter want a parent should always have a bond with their child! So hearing someone wanting to give the child is revolting. I can understand if they believe they can't give the child to future it deserves, but just because you don't Want it! Smh I don't have words for them.

The good thing is they didn't kill you while you were in. So do you have a plan? Dear merciful Odin I hope so!

I do have a plan lol don't worry! but it would be nice if Odin could help a little!

So much is heard about the negative aspects of being a foster child. Are there any childhood benefits you've enjoyed because you were a foster child?

Well not really to be honest haha. Its actually really tough when your young cause you don't understand why everyone is with their parents and your not. I really grasp the positives till i was about 15.

So, what are your concerns for the future? Is it just the unknown? Do you have any career goals for after college?

And you said you have a brother? Are you guys close? I'm asking because I couldn't imagine what it would be like not having anyone close to call and ask questions to or to share some excitement with.

My concerns are not finishing college, failing to find a place to live just stuff like that. My career goals are to become a College Professor and teach college level mathematics. And yes im pretty close with my brother so thats always a plus

Do you have any contact with your aunts and or/uncles? If so, do you resent them for not taking you in? I ask this because I have 4 nieces and nephews in foster care (they are my sister's children, and have been split up into three different homes).

My wife and I wish we could take them in, but we are not financially able to do so. We do maintain contact with them and go out with them from time to time, movies, museums, dinner, over at our place for holiday meals (such as it is) etc.

We try to be positive influences on the children (unlike my sister), but I feel very guilty about what has happened to them and not being able to look after them, and i worry a great deal about them. It makes me feel like a failure. How do you view situations like this?

I do actually but they can be assholes sometimes (No offense lol) and don't worry us foster kids can be quite observant and im pretty sure they understand why you can't take them in at the moment so they most likely will be grateful that you sticked around and helped guide them through this point in their lives. so you'll be fine and thank you for being there for them and showing that you care alot of us don't have the luxuary of having family members around that care, so I comend you sir lol

I was also in the system for 11 years, and aged out. When people find out about how I grew up in foster care, I feel like they almost admire me for turning out so well and overcoming such awful things... It's a nice feeling, but I feel like I was extremely lucky to be in foster care, as horrible as it can be sometimes.

It's definitely a hard thing to deal with, even after aging out... I still deal with a lot of issues I have and I'll be 26 next month.

The state I live in pays for an associate degree if you age out, which is awesome. Does your state pay for an associate? If you're unsure, you should definitely try to find out. It's a great help. It will also make you feel like you're doing something productive if you can get into school.

Also, do you have contact with any of your biological family? Most people who age out of foster care don't, but sometimes they do. I was curious about that.

(I think this is a very good AMA, btw! People are always so interested when I tell them I've lived almost half of my life in various homes and shelters, and they always have a lot of questions.)

Thanks man! and over here in Florida they do pay for two degrees! hahah and i got the idea to do an AMA from a friend of mines who said it would be quite succesful so I owe him.

You sound to me to be a very resilient, bright, driven and thoughtful individual. Which I think is uncommon at your age. My best advice advice to you would be to keep your eye on the prize! Seize the opportunities provided for you. You will never get a second chance at that. So be sure nothing gets in your way. Please be very careful not to become a father or husband before you finish your education. I think your career goal is brilliant as you are! I wish I were near you to be a mentoring mother figure for you. Of course my heart goes out to you. My significant other is a retired university professor. He had to get his education without any help from family. If you would like to pick his brain, let me know. He might have some good advice. :)

Thank you so much :) and actually I would really like to ask him some questions if thats ok with you?

What was it like?

Well....ughh can you specify a little more? Its kinda hard to put it all into words.

[deleted]

Well the system in florida is a little different then most because we don't sign we are essentially kicked out in a way (Don't worry they prepare before hand) As for your other questions, Its common for an older child in care to act like that because to them they feel like you have nothing to give them really and that they don't have time to make themselves vulnerable again and 'accept you' so don't feel offended in anyway that's just a natural barrier most of us have. and for your other question, down here in FL we have something called a Normalcy plan which allows to do those kinds of things so its not really an issue, but I do have a hunch on why he used them, its most likely because its a thing about feeling 'normal' and these social networks that everyone uses is a direct way for someone to feel this way.

Do you wish you could have stayed with your mother?

Do you think you'll keep in touch with any of the people you are close to now?

Do you have any specific dreams and aspirations beyond survival?

Are you good at school?

Um my heart wishes i could but in my mind i know it would.ultimately lead to my destruction.

I really want to be a College Professor and teach Calculus and other mathematics

My grades arnt the best at the moment hahaha but ive been told I am quite the intellectual!

And i do believe i will stay in touch with most of them cause as i said earlier they are like my family!

[deleted]

14, almost 15 year vet here.

Whoa man forreal? I have never met anyone who was in longer then me! Hahaha

I have a foster brother. I don't like him. I want my parents to send him back. Do you have any advice about how a third party or family member could get a foster child's placement changed?

Um well if your really serious you can call The department of Child and Family services and state your complaint. But before you do that can yoy tell me exactly why?

Are there any measures in place for future foster kids to learn the difference between "here"/"hear" and "there" / "their" / "they're"?

As a foster were you not given an opportunity to acquire a proper education?

Haha I hope so! And in the group home im currently staying at and at the other placements i've been to they make sure education comes first. It was annoying at first, them constantly pestering me about a C! But now that im about to graduate early im quite grateful!