Comments: 2140 • Responses: 55  • Date: 

micdawg121139 karma


youareatower464 karma

That made my night. Thanks.

youareatower965 karma


Tsukagi111957 karma

Why do you ring the door bell and run away? I am so lonely, so when I hear your in the door bell I run to you. Then I slam open the door and see a truck accelerating away. I swallow sadness and send some faxes...

youareatower530 karma

That...was beautiful.

eco_97601 karma

How hard was it to graduate from Ninja academy? You guys are sneaky as hell.

Peter_L_192 karma

Still waiting for an answer, OP.

BostonGraver742 karma

He already answered. You just didn't see him.

youareatower532 karma

Well done Grasshopper.

Serrith438 karma

Are you my father? My mom got knocked up by a UPS guy 27 years ago. She was kind of a whore.

youareatower525 karma

Unlikely. And sorry about your mom.

keelhauler42413 karma

I wanted to thank my UPS guy for all the running up stairs I've made him do the last week or two by leaving him some fresh baked cookies when I am next expecting a delivery. Will/can drivers take them or is there something better I can do?

youareatower733 karma

You bet. Food and especially cold water/gatorades are always welcome. In the summer, one of my customers used to leave a cooler at his front door with 3 or 4 gatorades every day. Just for me. Really nice guy.

doyu379 karma


youareatower499 karma

That was you??

InaV8324 karma

Since the South Park episode this season involving the UPS guy, has anyone put on a bane mask to greet you?

youareatower392 karma

Ha. No but that was a great episode.

melmosaurus261 karma

How real is the feud between FedEx and UPS?

youareatower593 karma

I've never met an uncool Fed Ex driver. In fact, I've got 2 friends that work for Fed Ex. We talk shit to each other, then I just ask to compare pay checks. That usually ends it.

furyfight163 karma

who wins?

youareatower644 karma

Big Brown.

Boondoc252 karma

this deserves an explanation. http://imgur.com/GlMCf

youareatower349 karma

Ha! Awesome. That's a driver helper delivering out of a golf cart. That's a new thing. We only use those in really tight neighborhoods. Places where it's cost effective.

Boondoc120 karma

but like... where did the golf cart come from? do they have little cart caches around? did he drive it off the back of a regular truck?

youareatower240 karma

We have our ways...Can't say too much about that. I guess I should've said AMAA for some stuff.

r81984192 karma

I found the secret.
UPS sets up POD units (Portable On Demand) in public parking lots that house packages and the golf carts. The PODs also act like command centers for the drivers. They also use bicycles with trailers in some areas.
Its funny that people in some towns actually complain about this. Some people have nothing better to do.

I win.

youareatower198 karma

Well done. But it wasn't ME that told you. :)

r81984149 karma

The location of your golf carts is top secret?

youareatower561 karma

I've already said too much.

youareatower249 karma

I guess I've never ASKED my wife if she wants to. Especially in the summer when the back of the truck is 140 degrees. You're right. No game.

NineOneEight229 karma

Just read this and wanted to stop in and say Thanks for being a cool UPS guy. You could take shortcuts and throw boxes like a number of delivery drivers do, but you don't, and I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate that.

youareatower147 karma


iamaredditer202 karma

Have you ever delivered to a house and lady is naked?

youareatower639 karma

Not completely naked. But close enough. One girl who lived in a college apartment answered her door in a see through nightgown. She wasn't wearing anything underneath. And since it was the middle of the day...well, you get the idea. I get a lot of girls in t-shirts and underwear. Or bras and shorts. That happens all the time. Lots of girls in robes "sorry, i just got outta the shower." big smile Tough job.

ElopingCanadian139 karma

So you did the deed with the girl in the night gown? I'm slow at these things.

youareatower418 karma

No I didn't. Married with children. :)

StoryOfLife196 karma

Please thank your preloader! We work hard to get your package car loaded in the best manner possible.

youareatower366 karma

I do every day. Sometimes with breakfast tacos.

emvied181 karma

I just want to say how appreciative I am to you guys, I order alot of crap.

youareatower230 karma

Thanks mang.

thomasdewberry173 karma

Ever have sex with a client in your truck?

youareatower176 karma


iamaredditer169 karma

What is the funniest thing you have seen while delivering?

youareatower391 karma

Walked into someone's fenced front yard to find a very large woman sunbathing topless. Her husband was laying right next to her. She struggled to grab her towel to cover up but kept dropping it. Her husband started laughing at her which made me laugh, apologize and abruptly leave. She was still fumbling when I left.

techiebabe86 karma

I'm guessing this wasnt during the winter?

youareatower217 karma

Summer. Their pool was in their front yard.

kyleyankan111 karma

Who the fuck sunbathes topless in the front yard?

youareatower201 karma

People with privacy fences?

andyb521740157 karma

Most embarrassing thing you have ever seen fall out of a package that you had to deliver?

youareatower424 karma

I had a damaged box that I was delivering. Anytime something looks jacked up I never just leave it. I always try to make sure they don't want to refuse it. When the guy answered I asked him if he wanted to open it to make sure everything was ok. He thanked me and opened it. It was a bra for his wife. He was like... "Um, I don't think it's broken." Awwkwaard.

quiggers144 karma

I got a question for ya, where the f*** is my package bro? Its like a week late.

youareatower410 karma

St. Louis.

vwbob135 karma

Do you notice a lot of home security cameras on houses now ...?

youareatower227 karma

The houses where I cover routes are $300G and up. So it's hard to find a house that doesn't have a security camera.

maverick3121096 karma

In Orange County California, most houses are 300G and up.....we don't have cameras.

EDIT: and a 300G house around here is nothing to write home about. Put it to you this way, I pay $1200 a month in rent for a 700sqf apt.

youareatower102 karma

That makes sense. These are fairly big houses. I meet a lot of CA people who've moved here and can't believe they get such a big house for so little money.

BigNagger133 karma

Creepiest house you have ever delivered a package to? and What is the meanest thing the customer has done to you?

youareatower395 karma

Creepy? Nothing really. A lady was once locked out of her car. She saw me pull up and hung up her cellphone, ran over to me looking excited and asked: "Hey...can you get in my car?" I asked her how I was supposed to do that if she was locked out. She implied (but never actually said it) that I should know how to break into a car. I'm hispanic and just pretended like I didn't know what she was talking about. After asking several times, unsuccessfully, to ask me to break into her car, she gave up. Frustrated and pissed she finally said: "You know what?! Forget it!! NEVERMINDD!! I'll just call the locksmith back!" I was floored.

Th3FooFighter129 karma

Do you wear a seat belt?

youareatower425 karma

Even if I just go 15ft.

ladiesandrinks128 karma

Does UPS scan for illegal substances etc? I read that you have delivered stanky packages so I assume whatever measures UPS takes are pretty minimal?

youareatower136 karma

Not that I know of.

iamaredditer111 karma

Have you ever noticed how nearly all dogs chase the ups truck and fed ex truck. Had a dog that never chased cars only the ups truck and fed ex Now my neighbors 3 dogs same thing only the delivery trucks.

youareatower271 karma

Yep. Dogs love us. I've had dogs that look like they want to take my leg off. Then I turn the truck off, hop down and they roll over and want me to pat their belly.

xob96 karma

One of my must-have features of my new house is an early UPS delivery. (Sad, I know, but why should I pay for Amazon Prime if the package doesn't come until 8pm?)

What are the secrets to figuring out which neighborhoods get delivery earlier than others? Proximity to UPS facility? Some secret list?

youareatower60 karma

No secrets. It's just the way the routes are set up. If you normally get your stuff around 6:30, it'll be like that pretty consistently. (Holidays not included). It can fluctuate if there's a different driver delivering your area or maybe they put your neighborhood onto a different route. (That happens a lot)

GingerPhenomenon84 karma

Not sure if someone has asked this or not but can you tell when someone is staring out and waiting for you to arrive. Can you feel the hopeful stare burning a hole into the package that you're holding? I do it every time I order anything, daily until it arrives 3 weeks later. I just want to make sure I am not creeping out the local driver.

youareatower58 karma

Happens all the time. We're used to it.

myhomeiscave82 karma

Do you ever get lost?

youareatower137 karma

As much as you can with a mapbook and iphone. I did once when I first started. (Forgot my mapbook.)

ichbinnichttoll73 karma

Have you ever been tempted to steal someones package? Or open it to see whats in it?

youareatower239 karma

Hell no. Totally not worth it.

icameforthecookies66 karma

Did Dale Jarrett ever race the truck?

youareatower59 karma

Good question.

themasturbatorgator57 karma

Is that South Park episode about banging wives while delivering packages from Amazon realistic? I know it's a TV show and fake porn fantasy, but still...

youareatower121 karma

Lots, but not all women love the UPS guy. If you were motivated (and hopefully single) it's realistic enough.

_SynthesizerPatel_57 karma

How you decide whether or not to leave a package at the door, if no signature is required? I can see how you would leave it on a porch in a nice neighborhood, and not on the sidewalk in a sketchy neighborhood, but most situations fall between that. I'd especially like to hear about dealing with apartments.

youareatower80 karma

Business always require a signature no matter what. Houses/duplexes-- Unless it's alcohol, medicine, or you (or the sender) specifically pay for signature required service, we leave it. It's up to the driver's discretion where they leave your stuff. Front porch, back porch, garage. Apartments-- If the apt is gated, we can leave it at your door. Not gated, we make an attempt, and if you're not home we leave a note and take it to the office. Assuming they'll hold your stuff. Some apartments, even if gated, don't want you leaving people's stuff at the doors. They contact UPS and set it up so that we treat them as if they're not gated.

TheColbsterHimself55 karma

Ever deliver something for somebody famous?

youareatower183 karma

I've delivered to Troublemaker Studios, which is Robert Rodriguez's ranch. I delivered to his house accidentally. I was covering a route and the normal driver told me I was supposed to take it INTO the studio. Shit. So I guess that story could've been REALLY cool. I've delivered to Meatloaf, Explosions in the Sky, Ben Kweller...That's all I can think of right now.

jakesnake9952 karma

do you ever get bored?

youareatower115 karma

Every day is different so personally it's not an option. You can burn out. An average day for us is 9-10 hrs. So if it's really busy, you get tired by Tuesday. Bored, not really. Exhausted, absolutely.

superphuntyme52 karma

I was a driver helper for the late Nov/Dec time a few years back, drove with a few of you guys. Almost all of them were really cool and I enjoyed my time with them. Quite a few of them had college degrees, and two of them left their desk jobs to get a job as a driver. How many of the guys you work with have had the same experience? Also, you like the job?

youareatower78 karma

I work with several guys who have degrees. One guy has a history degree, 2 fully funded IRAs. Another guy (don't remember what kind of degree he has) has written several books and is waiting on a publishing deal. He's in his 50's and about to retire. He's doing ok.

frostedcornnuts49 karma

Do you ever toss/throw boxes onto a porch?

I pulled up in my driveway once and saw the UPS guy just toss my box up the stairs to my porch without care. He looked pretty guilty when he saw me though.

youareatower143 karma

Letters yes. Boxes, no. I've had Amazon stuff delivered to my house all crushed and/or half open. I hate it when it happens to me so I keep it in mind when I'm delivering.

Elwood_48 karma

You guys aren't as bad, but if I leave a note on my front door that says to leave my package, Fedex won't fucking do it. They'll TAPE a note to my note asking for a signature.... Why won't they just leave my damn package?

youareatower53 karma

Dunno. The only time I don't leave something (with a note) is if it's medication or alcohol. Not sure why Fed Ex doesn't probably don't want to be liable or the customer paid to get your signature.

Toby16custom45 karma

What is the best type of delivery day and the worst?

(I;E weather, day of week etc. )

youareatower153 karma

Best day is when everything flows. It's like you're on auto-pilot. You make one stop and have 3 deliveries at once. One house, next door, and across the street. None of your pickups are shipping anything. You don't have any heavy boxes to deliver. You don't have many, or any, bulk stops so you rarely have to use a dolly. Everyone let's you into traffic. You get home in time to eat dinner with your family. Those days are rare, but when they happen it's great. Worst days are any rainy day, and the entire month of December. Rain turns people into assholes.

Route6745 karma

I was a driver from 1989 to 2002 in New Hampshire; hated every second of it.

be honest....do you like your job? Not the money, we know that's decent, but the actual JOB

youareatower98 karma

I don't mind the job itself. It's the politics. Don't get me wrong. I'd rather be programming code for 3 times more money. The benefits for my family is the draw.

WhateverJoel38 karma

You ever get nailed for backing up too much?

youareatower103 karma

I avoid backing as much as possible. Too many things can go wrong. We are trained to back only when necessary. If we pass a house, we're supposed to walk back to it. If it's too far, we're supposed to go around the block or make a loop, etc...

Agust_37 karma


youareatower164 karma

I once delivered a package reeked like pot. I mean, if it wasn't, it was the heaviest patchouli parcel i've ever seen. And the guy that lived at the house didn't look like the patchouli type.

blooddiamond9736 karma

Do you ever deliver to yourself, so you know you get your stuff?

youareatower8 karma

I don't deliver to my neighborhood. It's a different center entirely.

quiggers36 karma

Do you and other UPS drivers ever race trucks? Or do you race USPS drivers to prove which delivery system is better? Is Fed ex in the mix too?

youareatower115 karma

Never have. USPS guys and girls get home way sooner than us. Our system is better though. We'll absorb them in the next 50 years. They're losing too much green.

Glitchlol33 karma

What happens if your van breaks down?

youareatower90 karma

We have to call our mechanics and try to diagnose and troubleshoot. If it's early in the day, and the problem can't be fixed, the mechanic brings us another vehicle. If it's late enough another driver will meet up with me. We'll transfer the rest of my stops into his truck, and we both deliver out of his ride.

voice_like_beyonce27 karma

How much do you make?

youareatower112 karma

When I first started as a driver, $23/hr and some change. Currently, I'm at $27/hr. We top out at $33/hr or so. Before I drove I was loading trucks for around $10/hr. It was quite a jump.

yooder23 karma

Do you tend to deliver in the same general area on a daily basis or is it mostly random?

youareatower47 karma

I'm a coverage driver. When a driver calls in sick, hurt, or on vacation I'll cover his route. I can be in the same area all week or a different one every day.

minavill13 karma

Does your UPS truck actually have no doors, or do guys always just leave them wide open?

Isn't that kind of dangerous? Doesn't it make you cold in the winter? Does it make you feel on the edge?

youareatower11 karma

We have sliding doors we leave open. You get used to the feeling. If you wear your selfbelt, it's not dangerous. Unless someone t-bones you (obviously). It does make you cold in the winter, but we have heaters (mostly).

tiffnk13 karma

Can I get you to leave packages behind a gate? Things keep getting stolen off our porch this holiday season. If so, what's the best way to do that?

youareatower27 karma

Yep. Leave a note on your porch with "UPS DRIVER" in big letters briefly explaining just that.