IamA Paedophile who has been inactive since my release over a decade ago AMA! (Resubmitted with proof.)

There is nothing wrong with being a pedo so long as you don't act on it. If we judged everyone by their thoughts, we would all be convicted murderers.

Thanks for that.

This is a very bold and thoughtful AMA that is challenging me to think beyond my knee-jerk reaction to the word paedophile. So thank you for that.

Do you have an overwhelming fear of slipping up again? Previous responses indicate you are aware of yourself enough to know when you are nearing inappropriate behavior and committed to not making that happen, but does it still concern you?

Do you think you will ever fully forgive yourself for what happened with your niece?

I wouldn't say I have an overwhelming fear of much of anything.

Due to the things I've been through in my life I tend to panic on my feet.

I fear things, don't get me wrong, but I tend to take a rather Spartan or minimalist approach to problems.

Can I change this?

If yes then why worry? Just change this.

If no then why worry? It doesn't change anything.

I'm not sure if many people ever forgive themselves for their mistakes.

We are willing to forgive others because we convince ourselves that they might have pains and struggles we don't understand but we can't make the same excuses for ourselves so forgiving oneself has to be a kind of conscious choice not to suffer anymore.

I'm still kind of comitted to my suffering at least as long as she still suffers. I think it keeps things in perspective.

I'm not sure if that's honorable or just stupid but there it is.

Pain helps me focus I guess.

I'm glad you're suffering, at least. I was molested from age four-eight by multiple people and family. It's messed me up mentally, to say the least. Everyone involved is living great lives and people act like it's never happened. No one talk about it and neither have I since I'm trying to move on. I can't change anyone's opinion because no one wants to deal with confrontation. No one has ever apologized to me. I'm glad you are trying to make amends. That says a lot. Its come to a point for me that I am going to move far way from my family, cut ties, all that. If no one has the balls to apologize, if and when they do apologize, it means nothing to me anymore. I suffered all my life. Its nice to see someone suffer with me.

Is there anything I can do to help you come to some type of peace with the things you've experienced?

If there's any way I could help you to a better place with this just let me know please.

I'm not sure. Its been 20 years. By now I have no interest in peace between those who've done this to me. Its obvious they can care less. I've decided to stop associating with my family who has done nothing to make things right. They'd rather preserve their relationship with one another than to make things right. The only person who had done anything was my mother and everyone in my family called her a liar and troublemaker. She's dead now and everyone else is dead to me. As an adult, I can make that choice to disassociate myself with them. Its my only peace.

If you change your mind please don't hesitate to contact me.

Ok I have a question but there is some backstory...

While intoxicated at a house party I made out with this random guy and mid makeout he said "I'll never admit I know your age if anyone asks but how old are you?"

I said 17 and he kind of had a look of disgust

I was totally creeped out and left.

He was a friend of a friend though and I saw him a little while later and curiousity overcame me. I decided to ask him how old he thought I was when he kissed me and he said "13 maybe 14." He was 19. Ew. It still creeps me out when I think about it.

So my question after all this is Is there an attraction to the actual age or the look of innocence? Would knowing someone is not the age you thought turn you off?

i know this is weird but I've thought back on that interaction so many times.

No, I'm attracted to people independantly of age not due to age.

Different things attract me to different people and different age groups but I'm not an age fetishist my attraction just doesn't discriminate.

Some people are fixated on certain things (think age players and such) and some of them are paedophiles.

But just as there are many ways to like blond women (exclusively or inclusively) there are many ways to be attracted to children.

So would it be more accurate to say you don't care about partner age, rather than you're solely attracted to kids?

I'm not attracted exclusively to children but I am attracted to them.

I'm inclusive rather than exclusive.

How has this affected your relationship with your family? Your niece?

With the exception of my sister, her husband and their children my family stuck with me.

My sister reestablished contact with the rest of the family and I just a few years ago.

I haven't had any contact with the niece in question but I'm hoping she'll confront me someday so I can give her whatever kind of help I can to get to a better place with this.

The other nieces don't make a point to contact me or avoid me and I see the youngest one sometimes while helping my sister or mother with something around the house.

How does your sister treat you now?

Pretty normally I guess.

Some days are better than others.

How did the inmates treat you and the other's committed of similar crimes?

I was sentenced and served my time as a minor so my housing unit was segregated.

Only sex offenders most of the time.

I took classes with everyone though and they tended to range from wary to aggressive.

I was attacked by a small group of non-SO inmates leaving class one time but other than that I got into more altercations with the people in my wing than with people in other units.

I was the youngest and by a wide margin the smallest person in the facility owing to the fact that it was intended for to be for offenders older than I was.

Did the sex offenders ever attack each other, what with them all being sex offenders?

Sexually?

Some did but many were non violent offenders, others were not attracted to anyone present.

Still others were segregated because they did not fall into either of those to categories.

One of my friends was raped shortly after I left though.

Curious, later down in the thread you said you did this to your niece. Were you several years younger than your sister whose child you did things to? You said you 'molested' her at the age of I think seven. So if your were trialed as a minor it means that you at most, 11 years older than your niece?

I was 14 at the time, my niece was 7 or 8.

My sister is about 13 years my senior.

What advise (do's and dont's) would you give to a parent in order to protect their child.

Teach them early that they belong to themselves and have a right to personal security and dignity.

All too often children are taught to obey unquestioningly the orders of those in positions of authority and I think that's a problem.

We need to teach children to give greater weight to the opinions of those who have greater experience in a subject but not to the degree that they are expected to disregard their own instincts or concept of ethics.

Teach children to question things they don't understand no matter the source and not rest until they are reasonably sure they have the truth.

Teach them no one is above reproach and everyone is subject to common rules and deserving of common courtesy.

Help them become active participants rather than passive observers in their life and teach them that wrongdoing must never go unanswered.

We are all in this together and we're only as strong as our weakest link.

Help them become the strong links that bind us to a bright future.

Wow

Thanks?

Yet you, yourself, said you did what you did to your cousin and she could not stop you. So why teach a child all of that when you are going to force yourself onto her? Wouldn't it be better to teach the person strong enough to control the situation to not fuck up a child's life like that?

Like anywhere else, nothing stops a determined foe but our mentality can change how far or for how long we allow things to happen.

I was asked what people could do to help their children be safe from their end.

That's really all I could think of.

Make them be willing to question.

Make them be willing to oppose.

I grew up in a totalitarian system where authority figures meant a lot. I really, really, really wish i had been taught what you write here. I remember being devastated and deeply conflicted when i figured out that people I held for an authority did mistakes. and that they sometimes had harm in mind.

And it puts those who believe it at risk of being taken advantage of, and of never questioning and truly understanding the world around them.

It's refreshing to hear these words of advice rather than the usual "stranger danger" responses.

Stranger danger was a failure.

It attempted to target the absolute smallest portion of predators and in doing so made people more afraid of perfectly safe individuals than of the behaviours and mentalities that actually get innocents hurt.

And as a result it saved few and demonized many.

[deleted]

No, I said if she's ever willing to confront me I'd like to give her any aid I can.

I'm not initiating any contact with her because any that happens has to be at her discretion or it's just me forcing my presence on her again for my own desires.

How old was your niece at the time of the incident?

7 or 8.

How old is she now?

18 as of a few months ago.

[deleted]

I imagine so.

You mentioned earlier that your sister molested you. Did she ever address or mention that her actions toward you might have been what caused your attraction to children? Also who filed the charges?

No, she has not addressed it with me and does not know that I remember/know.

I'm not sure if or to what degree that played a part in my development.

Who filed what charges? The state pressed charges against me (they have to in instances of known child abuse) but no one who knew reported her molesting me and I didn't get confirmation of it until it was too late for me to according to local law.

It doesn't matter though because I don't want to ruin her life over it like mine has been anyway.

I talked about it in an earlier submission here.

Was the sister that molested you the same one that withdrew from you after what you did to your niece (her daughter)? Also, how is your current relationship with the niece that you did things with?

I only have one sibling.

So, yes.

I have no relationship with the niece in question.

I avoid situations in which she has to be around me, successfully thus far with the exception of one run in shortly after her mother reestablished contact.

[deleted]

1: Yes, though I'm not attracted to everyone (who is right?) I have a range of potentially attractive ages roughly 4 or 5 to 40 or 50.

2: To some degree, almost anyone can spot people who suck at hiding their interest and almost no one can spot someone who excells but I suppose I notice when someone else is looking the same way I am.

3: I stuck my hand down my nieces pants.

4: I didn't tell any of my friends when I had friends.

5: I couldn't get a job working with children or in areas children congregate but other than that I don't really have any restrictions to speak of.

The #5 restrictions have always confused me as to how they can be realistically enforced.

Not working with children is obvious an easy on the surface but what about fast food. Can you no longer work at McDonalds or similar, they have play areas and see plenty of kids come and go daily. I mean doesn't this basically kill off the ability to hold any job that isn't working from home or keeping you stuck in an office somewhere?

That particular restriction just always seemed unrealistc as most jobs that arn't desk jobs will put people in someway interacting with kids, or possibly working in a location where kids are. Even something like a plumber or some such would have to work at houses, schools, etc where kids obvious go.

To follow onto that somewhat, what sort of job do you have if any right now?

They couldn't really stop me from applying or even being hired at places I shouldn't work but I choose not to apply because it's not something that should happen.

Tech support mostly though not nearly regular enough.

Number 4 is sad :(

I find #3 more sad :-(

I find the whole situation rather unfortunate for all involved to be quite honest.

I haven't read everything yet, and you may have already answered these. Don't feel like you have to re-answer anything.

What were you thinking when you put your hand down her pants? Did you think she wanted it or would enjoy it? What did you think would happen after you did this? Was it impulsive or planned? Did you know it was wrong at the time? What was her immediate reaction to it? How long until she told her parents what happened? How old were you when you knew you liked young people? Would you consider chemical castration?

I wasn't thinking about her at all.

I was thinking about what I wanted.

I wasn't thinking about the future either.

I just wanted what I wanted at the moment.

I knew I would get in trouble but I didn't really have a cohesive ethical system from which to judge right and wrong beyond what I did and didn't want moment to moment.

Her immediate reaction was to run away.

She told my mother who immediately called the police followed shortly by my sister.

I didn't really identify as a paedophile until years later.

I have considered it but I can't/won't risk the change to my mentality that it sometimes causes because it's my understanding of my patterns and habits that allows me to resist my unhealthy impulses.

I'm sorry?

The answer. I didn't tell my friends when I had. Do you mean you don't have friends anymore. Sorry if you don't want to answer.

I wasn't confused as to what you said, I was uncertain how to respond to it.

I never had many friends and when the last of them drifted away over the years I just never got new ones.

[deleted]

21: Surprisingly it isn't the actions but the general mentality of disregard for the conscious experience of another living being at the time.

22: It really depends on your viewpoint I guess. Lack of connection with others in my opinion though the suicide would probably rank higher for most people.

23: Helping my niece through her pain if she ever chooses to confront me.

24: I'd place a heavier emphasis on treatment than punishment.

25: Not really, I never really liked seeing other people/animals suffering.

A few dreams that bothered me upon waking but that's about it.

[deleted]

No.

How do you stop yourself from thinking or acting upon your urges?

Well, trying to suppress thoughts just makes things more difficult.

You kind of have to take a meditative approach to it.

Acknowledge and accept who you are and what you feel so you're not a slave to it.

From understanding comes control.

Allow your thoughts just to be without anxiety.

As for actions that comes with practice.

Learn to see the subject of your attraction as more than what you want from them.

Want the best for them and realize that it's not you.

Interesting. This is the same mental approach to most addictions.

Yep.

That's where I got it from.

Works for a lot of people, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Do you have a support network?

In a manner of speaking.

I have people who are present but can't quite understand.

Could you explain a little more? I'm replacing children with substances in this analogy, and it doesn't make sense to me.

The point isn't to draw some sort of parallel between children and drugs it's to compare directly the addictive patterns and bad behaviour in order to find ways to derail unhealthy trains of thought and maintain responsible action.

Maybe this could be interesting for you. It's a medical institute which also tries to find ways for paedophiles or similar to stop them from acting upon their urges.

Charité Berlin - Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine

Thank you for reccommending that, I'll look into it.

Regardless of what some of these assholes say, I think you are brave to do this AMA, even though I may be against this kind of thing I was raised to never judge people. Thank you for this AMA it was a really interesting to read, I can only wish you the best in life. Take care.

Thank you.

You too.

Are you a registered sex offender?

• If so, what restrictions are enforced on registered sex offender's or your case specifically?

The sex offender registration in my region consists of three levels.

Each level describes likelihood to re-offend as assessed by their behaviour and resources.

Level 1 Is least likely to reoffend. Level 1s have support upon release, participate in counseling and (depending on the region) may have been convicted of lesser crimes than higher levels.

Level 2 Is more likely to reoffend having (once again depending on the region) committed more or more serious offences, possibly resisted treatment or lacks support such as family or friends upon release.

Level 3 Is most likely to reoffend having committed many and/or even more severe crimes, resisted treatment and lacks support upon release.

I was released as a Level 1 shortly before my 16^th birthday having been charged with one count of a moderate sex offence and undergone treatment before and following release while also having a fairly large support network in my family.

I have few restrictions to speak of.

I can petition to be relieved of my requirement to register though I have not done so.

My habitation or movements are not monitored or restricted (as far as I'm aware).

Upon change of address I am required to update my registration but not required to notify the neighborhood and I don't appear on any publically accessible registry.

With regards to your sister molesting you in the past, do you ever feel tempted to confront her over that? After reading your previous post it appeared to me as though she were being slightly hypocritical?

I'd like to confront her about it at some point but I'd like to wait until after I've done what I can to help my niece so as not to muddy up the issue.

No, I don't think her response to my actions is hypocritical.

Each of our actions stands alone however influenced they may have been by other things.

Do you ever consider helping other paedophiles that have been convicted, shed some light on what you'd been through and ways in which to help themselves? I only say this because you've managed to make a lot of really good points which could also benefit others.

I actually had but that would involve outing myself rather publicly (rather than pseudonymously on Reddit or privately with my family) which could have some rather serious ramifications for both my own life and those of the people close to me.

Do you really think you should have any contact with your niece at all? Seems to me everyone involved would be better off if you never saw or spoke to her again

And if she never seeks resolution through me that's how it will be.

But if she does I won't run from her.

[deleted]

I'm sorry for your suffering.

That must be horrible.

Can I help you address it or work through it in any way?

[deleted]

26: Regularly prior to being caught. Occasionally for a while after release then I stopped entirely some time ago.

27: No, irresponsible people who try to justify their harmful addictive behaviour make my teeth itch.

28: No, I denied responsibility for quite some time.

29: I don't really know actually.

30: While chemical castration has been shown to have some positive effects I think the notion of treating behaviour by just shutting off whole facets of oneself is troubling.

I think if you have so little control that you need to be completely turned off pharmaceutically to function it might be better if you were in inpatient treatment instead.

[deleted]

6: I think age is less important than ability to give informed consent. Barring any standardized testing system to determine cognizance and maturity age is the best metric we have.

I think the standard a/2+7 with "a" being your age is a good start but I'm not sure I'm really the person to be marking the line on this particular issue.

7: It really depends on how I'm feeling at the time like anyone else.

8: I'm not a sadist, I don't fantasize about hurting people.

I realize that when speaking about any fantasy involving vulnerable individuals the outcome would almost certainly be harmful but I don't fantasize about things that would be hurtful regardless of who I did them with.

9: I'm still attracted to some people that could not give meaningfully informed consent but, no, I don't "want" kids in any conscious fashion. I understand my attraction is not something that should be indulged.

Think of a recovering alcoholic who feels like having a drink but doesn't "want" to.

10: That we're all mindless deviants who just want to run wild hurting any and/or all children around us without regard for their safety.

Many of us detest these attractions but are nonetheless subject to them.

Some even realize that before anyone gets hurt and spend their entire lives protecting others from themselves.

a/2+7

You see guys, this is why the order of operations is important.

PEMDAS

At the time 14/2+7=14.

I suspect #9 was more about having kids as in "becoming a parent".

Ahh, well I've answered that a few times.

No, I'm not having kids.

What do you think of chemical castration?

It is often effective by reducing or eliminating sex drive but is not a sure bet and some of its side effects could be problematic to me considering I control myself by recognizing and derailing patterns of behaviour and thought.

I think the standard a/2+7 with "a" being your age is a good start but I'm not sure I'm really the person to be marking the line on this particular issue.

Just so you know, this is not supposed to be an age of consent measurement. Age of consent is one single number that remains constant regardless of the other member's age.

I don't know then.

If you stop and think for a second though, a/2 + 7 would actually be a workable rule. If not for a written law, then something for a judge to take into account when exercising discretion in sentencing/conviction.

A 20yo could get with a 17yo

An 18yo could get with a 16yo

A 16yo could get with 15yo

Then it levels out at 14yo (=14yo), below which it all becomes illegal again since the formula starts spitting out ages older than your own, who are themselves forbidden from touching you by virtue of the formula.

A flexible rule like this would in many ways be better than a single arbitrary number, since it removes the bizarre scenarios such as the fact that 2 consenting 15yos are technically raping each other (Australian law, I assume America has something similar?)

In my region a 17 year old is still legal up to 22 years.

It's 4 years up for 12 to 15 so 12 with 16 is fine 12 with 8 is not.

From there it's 5 years up so 16 with 21 is ok 16 with 11 is not.

So legal ranges would be:

12 12-16

13 12-17

14 12-18

15 12-20

16 12-21 (Tied for widest range in the group with 17)

17 13-22 (Tied for widest range in the group with 16)

That was a risky click for your "Proof".

I should probably edit that to be less ambiguous huh?

Thank you for sharing - I appreciate the honest insight. I wish you well in your battle.

Thank you.

[deleted]

My niece was frightened at the time.

I think she still fears me.

She's just turned 18 recently and is going off to college soon.

She's suffered some substance abuse problems (getting herself and her two younger siblings so drunk one of them had to be rushed to the hospital last year) and if I didn't hear wrong cuts herself, without aparrant intent of suicide.

She lived for years alone with her abusive alcoholic father in the deep south isolated from her mother by his interference in any communication.

When he wasn't breaking her stuff or acting like every inch of the sterotypical misogynist southern drunk he might as well have been gone, providing little to no support or parental guidance.

He only recently began paying child support for his other two children who were living with their mother.

She fled the south to come live with her mother sometime last year and though her mom isn't entirely responsible she's quite obviously a better choice.

When I was over there helping her mother move in with mine she came home earlier than planned and ran away distraught when she saw me.

I just turned to see her back before the door shut and hurried to finish moving the furniture.

Since then she's not attempted any contact and I've done my best to stay out of her way so any contact is at her discretion alone.

She resents her mother for reestablishing contact with me, which I can sympathise with.

I don't really know much more about her.

[deleted]

I'm not initiating contact with her because I feel that forcing her to face me or anything about me before she's ready to do it herself would be further violation.

I'm not sure what you're asking. She was rather quiet in my experience but in general a good kid as far as I am aware.

Have you made either her or her mother aware that you would like to try and help if you could?

I've made it clear to all of them that I'm interested in addressing my mistakes with honesty.

If they choose to tell her that should she ever ask then I hope it helps.

what would you say to a young man/woman raising consciousness of being attracted by children?

Seek help now while you're innocent.

See the subject of your desire as more than what you want from them.

See what is best for them and realize it isn't you.

Trust in compassion and honesty.

Tons of respect for you TiredPaedo. I have known many victims of sex crimes. It seems to be more common than one might expect. Thank you for taking the time to help others understand your views.

I've been working to be more than the worst thing I've been.

• What steps, goals or things have you done to achieve this?

• Do you feel tendencies to commit the crime again? If so, what do you do when it happens?

I've been reading up on and trying various behaviour modification techniques as well as learning about addiction, compulsive behaviour and mental illness in general.

I've used that knowledge to maintain some degree of safety with the primary issue that is my paedophilia but also to combat some of my unhealthy non-criminal habits going from junior hoarding level slob to neat freak as my family puts it "overnight" (though it was over a weekend to be honest).

I often feel sexual attraction towards people who would be harmed by any such advances but I don't "want" to hurt anyone strictly speaking.

When struggling with such problems I attempt to leave the situation or use some light meditative breathing/focus techniques to clear my mind.

It's not always as effective as I'd like but it's allowed me to recognize dangerous habits and adjust before anyone's gotten hurt so far.

Have you considered getting chemically castrated and just accepting a life of not having sexual relations with anyone? (that being said, do you know if chemical castration actually removes sexual attraction?)

Chemical castration is often effective at reducing or eliminating sex drive but sometimes the side effects are... unhelpful to someone working towards self control through understanding of one's own patterns and habits.

Do you ever have the urge to go back to your old ways?

Yes, it's difficult sometimes to stop myself thinking things like "I could probably find that video they mentioned in some news report" or "I could get away with this/that/the-other" but recognizing the harm it poses for others helps me derail those chains of thought somewhat.

What do your ethics say about viewing underage porn? If the abuse has already happened then what's your motivation to avoid it? Are you keeping clean for addiction's sake, or to refuse to show support for the act, or to keep from being caught, or out of disinterest or disgust or what.

I think any act that gives some form of support to that industry is unethical and I personally choose to abstain from even the forms that don't because I feel strongly opposed to feeding addictions but if someone draws the strength to keep from hurting people from that release I can't really say anything about it.

Have you ever known a case like that, of someone needing to view child abuse in order to keep from abusing children?

I was that case for a while.

It made it easier to keep to myself than go out looking for others until I was strong enough to do it on my own.

[deleted]

36: None.

37: Pretty regularly.

38:

/r/confession

/r/confessions

on this account.

39: I stood up against a group of armed people to protect a girl once and I snitched my youngest niece out to her mother for baiting me with innapropriate dress and behaviour in order to keep her safe.

40: I recognized that I would get in trouble for it enough to warrant trying to hide/deny it.

It took me a long time to form any cohesive system of ethics by which to judge things as right or wrong beyond "I like it" or "I don't like it".

I snitched my youngest niece out to her mother for baiting me with innapropriate dress and behaviour in order to keep her safe.

I'm not sure I understand this. Care to explain?

My youngest niece was acting innappropriately around me, wearing revealing clothing, talking about things we shouldn't talk about, finding excuses to touch me (poking and prodding mostly though she did try to pants me once) and such.

It was making it difficult for me to concentrate on seeing her like an uncle should which compromises her safety.

So I told her mother to reign her in a bit.

Would you mind giving us a little story on protecting a girl from a group of armed people?

They were following her, her older brother a friend of theirs and myself down the street at night.

They pulled knives I told the others to run and convinced the attackers to retreat and joined up with my party shortly afterwards.

I applaud your bravery in posting this. What you did then was wrong, but the fact that you're trying to be a better person is a very good thing.

My question is, do you believe that the courts were right in judging you as they did? Not legally right, but morally right.

They didn't judge me as such, I pled no contest and they accepted the plea.

What I mean is, do you agree that your actions then were morally wrong?

I don't mean this to sound as judgmental as it probably does. Honestly, I just want to know how you see your actions.

Yes.

I think that what I did was wrong.

More importantly I think why I did it was wrong.

I could have done the same or done differently and hurt her the same without feeling the same guilt if it had been an honest mistake of some sort.

But it wasn't.

I wanted something and decided to get it without regard for the conscious experience of another living being.

That is what was most wrong about what I did.

The lack of compassion or forethought.

You're a perfect example of why we (all of us) should put some effort into overlooking who is speaking and focus more on what is being said. You've said some really wise, profound things in this thread that everyone can learn from and I'm happy to see the positive response from the community.

Thank you, I really appreciate everyone's good questions and compassion.

Why is there an A in "pedophile" now? Did I miss the meeting?

Ped is feet.

Paed is children.

While i really convict your actions, i am really a a bit curious about your thoughts on one specific topic. We have a political party here in germany, Die Grünen, that, in their early years took everyone's political idea in account to grow on members. While their gay rights group from back than still exists, to that time they also had a little bit hidden group of pedos, that tried to fight for their rights to do what you want.

Days changed from then, some members of that pedo-group grew up and became serious politicans, one of them ended somewhere in the EU-Parliment or something. He got pretty much murdered in an interview some month ago, when those things came to light. He wrote a book back at that time where he pretty much claimed that he wants to have sex with pre-teens. During the interview he all the time said "That wasn't me", "The book is half-fictional", "I was using drugs while writing" etcetc. It was a pretty shamefull read and i while reading i was thinking, "wow, dude, whats up with you?"

So, my first question is: How do you behave if this topic comes to light? Do you regret what you feel? Are you able to speak about your thoughts if you aren't under the anonymity of the internet? What will you answer if you are at a, lets say, job interview and get asked why you was in prison?

My second question goes a bit deeper: That pedo-group had some pretty (in my view) wierd thoughts about sexual education. They had the opinion that sex didn't start when you get 14 or 16 or 18 or whatever, but is always there. So they had some experimental kindergarden, where they didn't stop sexual interaction between the kids and even encouraged it. While that itself might not be wrong, they also didn't bother between sexual interaction between kids and tutors, if they weren't forced. What do you think about this, as someone who would enjoy this by himself (i assume)? Do you think our society treats sex wrong? Do you think kids have sexual interests and wishes, too? Do you think our children are too much protected when it comes to sex? Do you think there could be children enjoying that you like them if they were allowed to?

My records are sealed, no non-government background check shows that I was ever incarcerated.

I know that I had sexual interests when I was quite young but I'm not sure if I could extend this to assume everyone else did.

Personally I think the way in which my and many other cultures handle sexuality perpetuates bad behaviour but the kind of irresponsible wack-jobs who try to justify their own bad behaviour with biased research and abusive behaviour (NAMBLA over here) make my teeth itch.

You want a threat? Those fuckers are a threat if there ever was one.

[deleted]

11: With the understandable exception of my sister, her husband and children, my family accepted my guilt but stuck with me.

My parents visited me every weekend, other family members visited a few times as well, several came all at once for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

They sent letters, pictures and gifts.

They welcomed me back and helped me upon my release.

12: I go to family functions sometimes, yes.

13: I think that's a relative term. I wasn't beaten, starved or anything but I was repeatedly put into dangerous situations.

I was the youngest and smallest person in the facility but they kept rooming me up with older offenders who liked little boys and such.

One of my friends was raped by another inmate and I went to solitary a few times for fighting with people.

14: Very few people know I am a paedophile, family, parole officers, therapists etc.

I guess getting jumped by a small group after class while still incarcerated was about the worst and I had suffered worse than that in regular schools before I hurt anyone so meh.

15: I don't think it's fair that people in positions of power and influence are given a pass on any crimes.

As terrible as it is for the children involved, I think we also tend to forget as a society that if someone is unfortunately endowed with an attraction to children, then unfortunately for them it may be completely out of their control, just as is the case for homosexual orientation, as the gay community has fought so hard to make people realise. In many ways I think this makes people such as yourself deserving of a large dose of pity rather than hatred, as you're cursed with this attraction you must forever suppress.

Question: Do you think it's correct to say that there are two categories of paedophiles: genuine child-attracted people, and opportunistic paedophiles, who otherwise have a (relatively) normal orientation but take advantage of situations in which they wield undue influence over vulnerable children? Or is it far more complicated than that/the lines are too blurred?

Well, just as not all paedophiles go on to abuse children, not all who abuse children are paedophiles.

They may be indiscriminate and just go after anyone present.

The lines are somewhat blurry at times but not very.

Paedophiles must have an outright attaction to children.

Not everyone who sexually abuses children does.

So just to be clear, do you agree that genuine paedophiles as a group are quite distinct from opportunistic predators? Because if so then society really needs to wrap its head around that distinction

Yes, they are an often overlapping but potentially separate group.

Have you read the Clarissa comics (they're about a little girl who's being abused by her father, the whole family knows but they pretend nothing is happening)? If so, what do you think of them?

Ha...wow. My family has done the exact same thing. Whenever I brought it up I was told to get over it...

Abuse in the family can be really hard to process. Some people will just try to pretend it's not happening, or downplay the act or the impact so it's not a big, scary thing. For what it's worth, I hope you've been able to gain access to some kind of support so that you can process what happened in your own time and in your own way

I've had no support throughout my life. I had a lot of trouble coping by myself as a kid and I did a lot of sadistic things. When I became I teenager I was still being pretty sadistic and I also became self-destructive. I tried committing suicide when I was 18 by overdose. Didn't take enough pills but had this awesome trip into "space". I thought I was dead but I woke up in the hospital. Then was put into a mental hospital on suicide watch. I wasn't able to purchase a gun until I was 26. When I hit 21 my mind flipped because of circumstantial things. I had to put that part of me aside and get serious. As a way of coping, I have been slowly weeding out people in my life. Eventually I don't want to have anything to do with my family. Soon!

Sadism is then the target is someone else.

Masochism is when the target is oneself.

No I haven't.

Are they pro-paedo or intended to illustrate the plight of the abused?

Plight of the abused. It shows the misery of the little girl and how everyone turns a blind eye to keep the peace. I didn't link to them because I don't know what your triggers are, either for undesirable behaviour, or for mental distress, but they're not hard to find

I've seen hurtcore so I doubt it will distress me any more than that.

I might look them up sometime, thank you for the information.

I recall reading an abnormal psychology textbook quite a while ago that suggested that when viewed as a mental illness, paedophilia is similar to OCD . Do you feel that there is any OCD element to your attractions and actions? Do you consider being a paedophile a mental illness?

(For anyone who sees my post as shifting blame from the individual to the illness, please note that linking paedophila to OCD in no way excuses child abuse, nor should it. We each have a personal responsibility to seek help for our problems, and if someone is harmed as a result of not seeking help, the blame lies with the individual, not the illness. Engaging in sexual behaviour with a child is incredibly morally reprehensible, but rehabilitation requires an understanding of both the individual, and the disorder, and isolating or verbally abusing someone who already has these tendencies is not going to help)

There is a certain level of compulsion about it.

I feel uncomfortable not doing certain things I shouldn't do but it's not mandatory.

I breath, I focus, I wait.

All things pass.

So, I read them.

That was decidedly unpleasant.

That one panel in "Stuffed Friend" was particularly bad.

Ok I have read every single comment in this thread to make sure I didnt double ask anything.

If I some how repeat a question, my apologies. Also I will thank you for doing this AMA. For those being rude, I can understand what they feel however this is a great way to answer the questions people have and I think this is a really good thing you are doing despite the events that occurred to bring you here.

1.) When you see shows like "to catch a predator" what are you're feelings about the people on that show? Maybe more importantly about the ones who were being arrested for the 3rd maybe 4th time. 2.) Other than the offense that you were charged with, were their any other unknown "incidents" that were not caught? 3.) If someone was willing to overlook your history, would you welcome a relationship?

Good luck and thank you again.

1: They are behaving dangerously and with disregard for the safty of others.

It's good that they get caught.

2: Like I said, I experimented with people my age, watched porn with a few of my friends in my teens, played "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours" when I was 4 or 5.

3: I don't want anyone to overlook my history. If we're putting a relationship on the table here I want them to look directly at my history and I want to look at theirs and afterwards have both of us still care for the other.

I am going to ask some dark things but very real things.

1.) What would you do/say if she committed suicide from the traumatic experience? 2.) Would you do it again if you knew you wouldn't get caught? 3.) Would you feel bad if you influenced her to sexually violate someone? 4.) Would you consider yourself a bad person? Thanks for being honest.

1: What could I say? I'd have lost my only chance to help her.

2: Getting caught is irrelevant to me now. I recognize what I did as wrong and have no conscious desire to do it again despite my sexual attraction.

3: Very much so.

4: I think "Maybe the moral high ground isn't as high as it seems. Maybe we are both good people who've done some bad things" as a certain artist once put it.

I've done wrong but I don't want to now.

I'm not sure what that makes me.

[deleted]

No doubt.

My fantasy of being able to address what I've done wrong is most likely a fantasy.

That's why I'm not inflicting my hopes for some form of resolution on her unless she demonstrates that she wants it as well.

[deleted]

Thank you.

You too.

I'm glad you owned up to it. But It seems as though as you don't really understand how traumatic and hurtful it could be to her. I hope you continue to stick to your words and learn that this is not a good thing and I think it takes a lot to own up so for that I respect you.

I don't think I could ever understand her pain completely but I'm trying and I hope that means something.

Thank you for the kind words.

[deleted]

I could actually appeal to be relieved of my requirement to register if I chose.

In my state it would be incumbent upon them to prove me a continuing danger to others in order to compel me to continue registration.

I've chosen to stay in the registry because I feel that it serves as a useful safety net for me.

It might serve a similar purpose for others.

I am conflicted as to the registry as it stands due to the potential for abuse it poses.

Some people making a concerted effort to change their behaviour have been tracked down and abused due to their presence on public registries which hinders forward progress endangering innocents.

I'm not certain how much people change but I think we should do everything in our power to allow them to try.

[deleted]

It's another reminder of the consequences of my actions as well as keeping LEA eyes on me in case I slip.

[deleted]

Thanks.

hypotetically speaking (I don't know if this make sense) how do you think your life would have been if your mother wouldn't call the police... and just yell at you, maybe beat you and force to say sorry to your niece and your niece's parents and swear to not do it again? would it had stopped you?(as jail i guess did?)

I don't think so.

Violence and shaming never really deterred me.

Getting caught and held accountable was the best thing that could have happened once I did wrong.

I'm counting the times it was said to me "he was just a boy". I remember every single one. so, i think your statement is an important one.

I was just a boy.

But I could have become a much different man if not for what happened.

46) If you did watch child porn, how would you attempt to conceal it?

47) Did the people you were in group therapy with creep you out?

48) What criminal acts personally disgust you?

49) How do you try and keep what you did secret from other people? Are there any lies that you must keep up still?

50) What type of background checks does your offense show up on?

46: When I was younger I'd clear the history/cookies, as I got older I'd use a Live Distro and Tor to avoid any traces and wipe storage/memory regularly.

47: I was only in group therapy during incarceration, after that I was in family therapy.

Other inmates didn't really talk much but yes my family creeps me the hell out sometimes.

48: Crime is such a subjective term. I'm disgusted by behaviours and mentalities that demonstrate a lack of compassion and intellectual honesty.

49: I just don't tell people. That usually works pretty well.

50: None, my records are sealed. I could probably get them expunged if I asked.

Do you feel that one day you could just, grow out of it? It seems like a naive notion, absolutely. But maybe one day, or after a long time of acceptance, that you don't even feel the urges towards Children in the first place?

I don't think that's likely.

Brave of you doing this AMA. You're clearly more informed and well spoken than the majority in here. How do you feel about the ages of consent around the world, isn't it silly that girls and boys start having sex at, say, 15.. Yet they need to be 18/20/21 to legally have sex? Do you feel that the laws have fallen behind on the development in the sexual sense? Personally I find it very very silly to see an 18 year old man jailed for pedophilia, for being with a, say, 15 year old girl.. When she clearly is old enough for consent, and to have sex.

I think that barring standardized testing for understanding and maturity age is the best metric we have for judging who should be doing what.

The chosen age is a bit more of a problem but I don't think someone in my position is the right person to state a date.

Thank you for sharing with us, as a mother of two children I'm terrified that they might be molested and many of your answers have given me insight into how I could protect them (teach them to stand up for themselves and value the sanctity of their bodies. Thank you for that.

It must be difficult as a parent to know there are people like me in the world.

My youngest niece went missing overnight a while back and while my sister, myself and others were looking for her I was quietly panicking because I knew what was out there.

I never want her in danger but I knew what we might find.

Teach them to care and stand for others as well.

We are only as safe as we make one another.

16) Have you seen your niece since this happened? What about other younger family members?

17) How many sexual partners did you have before your charges?

18) How many sexual partners have you had since?

19) How much drugs and alcohol do you take?

20) How many hours of therapy have you had since this happened?

16: I have only seen the niece in question once (she came back earlier than planned while I was helping her mother with something) and all I saw was her back as she walked back out of the house.

I have seen everyone else, young or old, in my family since but I don't hang around the younger ones unsupervised.

17 & 18: With the exception of my offence and standard early childhood "experimentation" I haven't had any sexual partners.

I've never even held hands romantically.

19: None, ever. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs (illegal or pharmaceutical) I don't even take aspirin unless the pain is interfering with my ability to concentrate.

I refuse to imbibe anything that may alter my ability for self control.

Besides which it's never really interested me.

20: Two or three times a week during a 36 week incarceration, once or twice a week for two years following my release.

1-1.5 hours each.

I don't know if this is are some repeated questions or not, but I simply got tired of reading most of the questions to find out. Here are my questions.
1. What exactly did your sister do, I've read in the comments she did something but couldn't find it. Also did you forgive her for what she did to you?
2. Have you at least tried to apologize to your niece by either sending her a letter or emailing her?
3. Tell me a little bit about your life up (if possible) to the point where you touched your niece? I wanna learn what kind of life you live through that made you do that and so I could understand more on why you did what you did.
4. This isn't a question, but I would just like to Thank you for taking your time to answer this questions and for doing an Ama, I hope your life is blessed!

1: From what I've been told, when I was an infant she fondled my genitals and as I got older (this I know from memory) she would play some games with me that, in light of the earlier behaviour, do seem suspect.

2: I'm not willing to initiate contact with her. If she needs to face me it should be on her terms and at her discretion or it's just me chasing her down against her will to fullfil some need of mine rather than some need of hers.

3: From the time I was very young people remarked upon how intellegent and knowlegable I was.

I had a really bad temper but other than that I was polite and kind. I hated to see other people/things suffer.

After changing schools when I was 9 or 10 I became exposed to really concentrated bullying for the first time and I never tolerated it even in its sporadic form at my previous schools.

For a few years I got into fights nearly every day, often against groups of 3 or more.

Often enough I had instigated it in some fashion, I did have a temper and a sharp tongue.

Other times I was just the smallest one there so an easy target.

Regardless of the cause I was almost always the one blamed for it.

I got used to disregarding what other people thought because no matter what I did they never seemed to help me.

After a few instances of what was probably normal early childhood sexual experimentation with peers when I was maybe 4 or 5 myself I became rather hyper modest around others for some time.

As I reached adolescence and my sexuality reasserted itself I found this modesty in conflict with that development which led me to hide most of that part of my life from others.

I got into pornography, and then more and more extreme pornography, finally (altogether too quickly) coming to CP.

Outside of my head I got less and less inhibited with regards to my behaviour (just in general, not sexually specifically) and though I still stood up for the bullied I began seeing myself as the hero and as such couldn't or wouldn't see when I did wrong.

So little by little I rationalized myself as the "good guy" until that meant whatever I did was good, nearly by definition, my desires became very nearly my entire notion of ethics.

If I wanted it I sought to get it without much regard, or even thought, for how it would effect others.

So when I wanted that one more thing I went after it.

My secrecy, my notions of myself as inherantly heroic and my lack of concern for the opinions or experiences of others just came together in such a way that I became a monster.

4: Thank you.

Is there anything a child could do to be a less appealing target to you?

Not really.

That's putting the focus on the wrong party.

Nothing my niece did or didn't do caused what happened.

Nothing she could have done or not done would have stopped it.

Because it was never about her.

It was always about me.

It wasn't her weakness or failure, it was mine.

She was just in the wrong place and she did the best she could.

As a sexual abuse survivor, thank you so much for this. I was molested by my uncle when I was a little kid, and while he has never taken responsibility for what he did, it's quite helpful to read this coming from someone else's sexually abusive uncle. I know intellectually that it wasn't my fault, and hearing it from you is helping it sink it just a bit more.

p.s. I hope you don't commit suicide. I know I'm not the only one on this thread saying this, but dedicating yourself to healing and educating others so this doesn't happen again is a quite excellent reason to remain on the planet. Please get help. You are so much more than your worst moment.

Thank you for saying that.

Is there anything I can do or say to help you with the things that have happened to you?

I wouldn't want to leave anyone in that position, much less when something I could do might help them.

The most helpful thing would be to help pay for therapy. I'm doing EMDR right now with a fantastic therapist and it's extremely helpful but rather expensive. My mother is contributing, but she can't cover all of it, and neither can I. However, I think I read somewhere in this thread that you make close to minimum wage, so I see how that's unlikely. I'll work it out. I can't think of anything else at the moment that you could do to help me.

However, I can think of something you can do to help your niece. It's my sincere recommendation that you stay alive, make as much money as you are able, and use it to create a healing fund for her. The money you paid for restitution just isn't enough to compensate her for what you've done to her. If she has access over the long term to what she feels she needs to heal, that would be the biggest way you can help her, and you can do it without having to interact with her.

I talked to her mother about her experiences in therapy but after an inderterminate period of it aparrently my niece has declined to attend more.

I do plan to leave some sort of monetary support behind for all of the family members who have helped me in some fashion.

I thought leaving some for her would seem like I was paying her off but leaving some to be used in the event she seeks more counseling doesn't seem like that far of a stretch.

I just want to be clear I'm not suggesting it's your niece's fault. I'm asking this question because whenever there's a sex offender in my area whose target demographic I fall into, my first question is always "What should I do to make them not pick me?"

I'm not your target demographic obviously, but you're the first sex offender I've ever (knowingly) gotten to ask.

The most effective thing you can do is not to ignore when something doesn't seem right.

Our ancestors survived by running when they heard a rustle in the bushes even if quite often that rustle was just the wind.

Recognize when something seems off and pay attention.

Don't be a hero (or at least not a lone hero) if you don't have to be. Seek help from others, safety in numbers, whenever possible.

How do you feel towards your mother for not reporting your sister's "fiddling" of you? Is it a feeling of disappointment, sadness, anger, regret or a different feeling?

Confusion mostly as the event she was aware of was more severe than my own and inappropriate behaviour continued for some time.

I just wished we had been treated even handedly.

I don't really know what to feel about it frankly. I suspected it for a few years and got confirmation of it only recently.

I don't hate either of them for it or want them punished I just want to understand why I wasn't worth just as much help as my sister or my niece were when they were abused.

Hey you. I wish you all the best and Godbless

Thank you.

wow! You got to have a strong will to resist those urges.

Will runs out quick.

Compassion and honesty keep us safe.

41) How casually was sex treated around your house before this incident?

42) How did that change after?

43) How old are you now?

44) What is the youngest age you would have an intimate relationship with now?

45) What is your favorite cuisine?

41: We didn't talk much but there was no taboo on doing so.

42: People got a bit more focused on where I was and who with.

43: 26

44: I'd say 18 (for obvious reasons) but I guess honestly I can't really justify asking anyone to overlook or accept who/what I am and I refuse to have a relationship that isn't honest.

45: I like meat and things with noodles.

I am 17 and pretty sure I'm a pedophile. I don't think I'll have much of a problem resisting urges, but I can't predict what I'll be like 40 years from now. Any advice to stay off the path you found yourself on?

I'm also worried about part of my life becoming public, while at the same time often stressed by the secrecy. Any suggestions to easy the stress while at the same time not risking future relationships/jobs?

I'd seek support from some of the groups dedicated to maintaining responsible behavior such as "Virtuous Pedophiles" and "Circles of Support and Accountability" or cautiously approaching a psychologist.

Researching addiction, mental illness, objective ethics should help you understand any hurdles you might face as well.

Recognize that you're not evil just for your involuntary attractions but any attempts to act upon them is unethical regardless of what other less responsive paedophiles or your own mind might seek to convince you.

Unfortunately we don't live in a world where we can speak openly and seek support publicly so as to work just avoid anything where you have regular contact with children.

Just stay away from any situations that challenge your resolve.

If you need further information or support just let me know, here or in PM if you're uncomfortable speaking publicly.

Good luck and stay safe.

Wow.

I have to say this is quite astounding to see here and I have to say you're a brave man for putting this here and even just airing it. Yet though, its made me step back and take a look at myself.

I was sexually abused as a child, somewhere around 6-7, by my brother but really looking back I'd suppose it was something closer to a mutual thing. We would both play doctor and explore each other often times with oral sex like what we found from my dad's porno mags. Our parents caught us once and we just never talked or examined it again.

My mother would later molest me when I was 9. She showed me porn, asked how it made me feel then would grope about though nothing major happened from there.

I was abused again at a daycare center by the manager's daughter but it all seemed consensual even then. That was when I was 12-13. Barely a year later I'd go to molest her 7 year old sister. She'd strip down for me and dance around shaking her butt for me without provocation. I only groped and fingered her once with my brother (She came onto him all the same,).

I pushed back the early incidences with my family with the other two being more laughed off, a joke that even young I was a player, without any real thought behind it.

Now though, I can't help but wonder if I might be on the same path as you, a waiting monster in the closet as you said in an earlier thread.

That must have been very difficult for you and them.

Maybe you were heading somewhere worse but I think you have to consider your level of understanding before you start thinking of yourself as a predator.

You can't very well blame a child for doing only what they know to do from others without malice or even wilful disregard.

Maybe seek some therapy or talk it out with the ones you can to seek some resolution.

Thank you for coming forward and good luck.

[deleted]

I'm not sure what she thought about me prior to that but yes she called the police immediately.

How do you suggest people protect themselves and families against people like yourself?

Trust your instinct when something doesn't seem right and teach your kids to do the same.

There are few if any consequences to getting out of a situation when everything was ok.

There are substantial consequences to staying if it isn't.

This dude is lucky he got caught at a young age doing this. At 18 they would have locked him away a thrown away the key and he probably would have died in prison, they don't treat Paedos very well in prison. Question: When did you know that you where a paedo? has this affected you in plans for having kids yourself? We have all been attracted to someone in our own family one way or an other, Why not just do what most people do a find someone who looks like what you are attracted to there are plenty of girls out there that are of age and look like what you are attracted to. For example my friend is a very small girl looks like she is 10-12 years old and she is 26 years old.

I didn't identify with the paedophile label for a long time.

I'm not planning to have kids, but I never was so, no it hasn't really changed my plans.

I'm not really looking for anyone, young or old, for the foreseeable future.

Age play may be an option but I'm dealing with other concerns at the moment.

Do you believe that conditions such as yours should be treated as mental illness ? Are you already enrolled in such treatment ? Do you think something like that could, in fact, be beneficial to some extent ?

I'm not sure if they should be treated as outright illnesses but they should definitely be treated with caution.

Perhaps like a prediliction towards rough sex or bondage. Potentially dangerous if not handled with care.

I am not currently enrolled in treatment but I'm not opposed to doing so it just might complicate my situation by exposing me to public scrutiny which at the moment is dangerous for someone like me due to people trying to kill us.

I think it could be very beneficial in the absence of attempted murder though.

How does this affect your relationship with women you want to be intimate with, do you tell them about it? Do you find it hard to maintain significant personal relationships with people now? And lastly, do you consider yourself sick or flawed in any way?

I don't have intimate or significant relationships.

I think I'm bent, perhaps broken and wish it were otherwise.

51) What /r/'s do you stay away from?

52) How much money did this cost for lawyers and such?

53) How did the police treat you? Can you please go into detail about when the cops showed up.

54) What has been the most traumatic event in your life?

55) Do you ever seriously contemplate suicide?

51: None on the ClearNet Reddit that I can think of but I've avoided the DarkNet Reddit "ReddiTOR" for a while now.

52: I had a public defender but my restitution was between $3-4000.

53: With the exception of a rather surly Sheriffs Department officer and one local cop cops have almost always been pretty polite with me.

I was playing Diablo when they rolled up the driveway to arrest me and take all my electronics.

Nothing really special about it.

54: I'm not sure really.

55: Constantly.

What did you do exactly to be charged with child molestation?

I've addressed it elsewhere in the AMA but the comments are getting long so I'll repeat it.

Two weeks prior to my 15^th birthday I groped my 7 or 8 year old niece.

She ran to my mother, in whose house we wer at the time, who immediately called the police followed by my sister.

After another few weeks I was charged and after a few months of investigation and trial I entered a plea of no contest and was sentenced.

May I ask what determined you to do that?

I wanted to, that's really all that passed for reason to me at the time.

Do you ever wish you could go back in time? Do you think even if you did, things would have turned out differently?

What if you did meet someone who could look past your history? Would you allow yourself to build a relationship (platonic or otherwise)?

I wish I could take her pain away somehow.

I don't want someone to "look past" my history.

If I was to ask for one thing in a partner it would be to "look at" my history. Understand me and everything I am as deeply as possible and still hold out their hand for mine.

If I could have one thing it would be an honest peer. A partner.

Honesty and love are the only things I'd settle for.

I think there needs to be more open mindedness toward pedophilia. Sexual urges are incredibly strong and very difficult to not act on, especially your entire life.

The people who want to see all pedos burned on sticks are simply reacting disharmoniously and irrationally. Truly, we would rather see you overcome these urges and desires and find attraction in someone your own age. It takes alot of willpower to "keep yourself in check" so to speak. Just want you to know, I love you.

Thank you.

This is for you. Shake the Dust

Thank you. That's awesome.

Kind of weird you'd get tagged as a pedo in the US if you're 20 and sleep with a 17 year old.

in Sweden you can be 50 years old and have sex with a 15 yr old.

Actually in my area a 22 year old is still legal with a 17 year old.

how u deal with death threats?

They don't bother me so much, people threatened to kill me since I was like 9 anyways so at least now they have a good reason.

I'm not asking a question but congratulations on not being a bad person

Thanks.

What is your reaction when you come across a paedophile? What is people's reaction when they find out about your past? How do you control your urges or how do you distract yourself if you do?

It depends on the paedophile. I can't stand when people ignore or try to justify bad behaviour but I can respect people striving for better.

No one outside my family and Reddit know this about me so I guess the comment string is a pretty good judge of people's reactions.

I don't distract myself so much as just breath through it until it lets up a bit.

Like contractions I suppose.

I'd like to know your thoughts about free will. I do not endorse the idea that we have ultimate free will like people believe. We are responsible for our actions but we are not the source of our actions. I do and don't blame you. I don't blame you for feeling that way you, I do blame you for allowing it to happen. This will make people uncomfortable but the truth is you are not much different from gay or straight people, in that you didn't not choose your sexual orientation. I find it hypocritical when people defend homosexuals by saying "they were born that way" and "it wasn't their choice", then turn around and claim that you had 100% free will and chose to be attracted to children. The truth is the "born that way/wasn't a choice" argument is bullshit and a nonstarter. Not one of us chose our sexual orientation, not one of us chose what our tongues will find appealing, and not one of us chose our height. The brain is no different, it is an organ of the body and susceptible to problems just like your liver and kidneys and lungs. Are you held culpable if your pancreas stops producing insulin?

I find your behavior despicable but I know it's not what you want. I feel sorry for you actually, how horrible it must be to be sexually aroused by children. What matters most is that you get the help you need so this doesn't happen to any more children. Thank you doing this AMA. If even one person seeks help because of this thread then it's worth it.

People: don't just downvote me. Tell me honestly how you can excuse degenerate behavior committed by homosexuals because "it wasn't their choice" and/or "they were born that way" but have no problem vilifying this person. Please don't tell me homosexuality is ok because it's between two consenting adults, homosexual behavior is degenerate just like OPs actions. I'm not blind though, in this case there is clearly more damage done by OPs actions.

I kind of side with Sam Harris on the subject.

We have will but it is sometimes heavily constricted by what options our minds present to us.

We have a responsibility to do the best we know how and to strive to know more so as to have options for better still.

[deleted]

About two weeks prior to my 15^th birthday I groped my 7 or 8 year old niece.

so you and your niece where both very young...

how long have you been in jail? where you selfcontious of being paedo when you where 15?

I wasn't incarcerated for very long, just shy of 9 months.

Technically you can't be a paedophile until you're sixteen because the diagnosis is specific to those 16 and older.

I was, and to some degree still am, rather self conscious about it.

thank you for this AMA. I'm reading your story and it's significant and intimate, so thanks for sharing.

I was abused by my brother when i was about 6 (i'm 30 now). During my path through therapy (age 24 to 29) i met other girls with the same back story. None of the brothers has ever being charged of anything and we were "forced" to cope. In my case, for my family "the thing" simply never happened, and nor my mother or father ever talked to me about it. They don't even know why i went into psycotherapy.

I think the lack of legitimacy and communication was the worst part. So thank you again for talking about that.

Thank you for reading it.

Is there anything I can do to help you with what you've gone through?

I'm interested in understanding all I can about experiences like yours so that I have a better chance of helping my niece should she ever choose to confront me.

Nothing gory or this could turn into a fapfest for the less adequately self aware paedophiles but anything you think could help or would want to know or say if you could address the person who hurt you.

I okay with my past, but thanks for asking. the consequences over my psyche sometime still got me in trouble, but i don't feel constantly in anger as i was before.

I have tryed to address some sort of responsability to my mother, who was supposed to protect me and didn't. I don't think i will ever confront with my abuser. If I would, it would be to angrily list all sorts of pains, panic attacks, emotional handicaps and fears i felt years after. But I don't think this kind of confront would spread positive things for me (it would change anything) or for him, so i decided to don't let this happen.

IMHO you learned the value of the conscious experience of another living being and that's the gift for you in your heart.

I'm glad you've found some measure of peace in your life.

Good luck and thank you for your kind words.

what did your sibling say/do?

She didn't speak to me for a decade.

Is this the child of the sibling who molested you? Why have you not confronted your sibling about molesting you? How old were the two of you at the time?

Yes, it is the second eldest of the four children of the sibling who molested me.

I have not confronted her about this because until the matter with her daughter is complete it is irrelevant.

I was two or so when it started (I've been told) and from what I can remember some suspect "games" continued for almost a decade (on and off since she wasn't always around).

Wow, that is fucked up. I wonder if she feels guilty for touching you and possibly influencing you to do the same to her daughter. Sounds like your entire family needs some therapy....

She wasn't responsible for what I did.

Just like our uncle wasn't responsible for what she did.

And our grandfather wasn't responsible for what our uncle did.

Though our actions may influence or be influenced by the actions of others we are still responsible for our own choices.

Do you think what each did to the next influenced their sexuality? I guess what I'm trying to say... do you think the attraction is passed down genetically, or transferred do to traumatizing experiences as a child?

I think there is a certain heredity to abuse but I don't think anyone is doomed to continue it.

There is always the option to let it stop with you.

Im not sure if this has been asked, but do you belive paedophilia is caused by enviromental or genetic/innate factors (or perhaps both)? I know you might not be an expert these types of questions, i was just curious of your beliefs on the subject.

I think people have predispositions to things that are either reinforced or weakened by environmental factors and experiences.

What is an artist if he never picks up a brush?