zakbroman

Be white, jesus pose, Beatport top 100, yell "get the fuck up" repeatedly on the mic before some shitty EDM drop. You are now a successful DJ in Chinar.

Laduzi (read: diarrhea from spicy/oily Chinese food) is a motherfucker. Funny you mention it, it recently happened to me at work. My wife had made some spicy Sichuan hot pot the night before, so at around 10AM, I feel the explosive urge to shit. Initially I tried going to my factory dormitory to laduzi in private, but when I get there I discover the ayi (read: housekeeper) apparently likes to take a shower every morning in my room, so I'm locked out of my own fucking bathroom. There isn't an elevator in my dormitory and I reside on the fifth floor, so with each step I can feel my asshole puckering to contain all of the laduzi as I run around trying to find a bathroom in my factory. What do you know - all of the Western toilet stalls in my department are occupied. I resign to using the factory workers' bathrooms, which consist of a bunch of squat stalls that stop at eye-level, don't have doors (just those small swinging doors you see in saloons, the name escapes me) so I'm assaulted by the sight of a bunch of Chinese dudes squatting, shitting, and smoking while playing on their iPhone 88s as I try to find an empty stall. I finally find an empty one at the end of the bathroom. I discover that this style of Chinese toilet is merely just one long trench running underneath all of the stalls before it, meaning there is actually a river of shit flowing towards the hole in the ground in my stall. I am struggling to squat as I expel the demonic Sichuan hot pot as it mixes in with all of the other shit from the stalls next to me. It was a horrible experience.

But no, I never call out of work when laduzi calls. It is also pretty much impossible to work entirely from home in this type of career. I did call out once for food poisoning, though.

You are wrong about 5,000 years of history. It's actually 8,888 years of history and Chairman Mao is the best Chairman of all Chairmans.

钓鱼岛是中国的

Heh, I've never really summarized my life until this point. I've come a long way. I almost dropped out of high school, slept in my car for a bit, overcame a drug addiction, almost unintentionally killed myself a few times, worked numerous corporate gigs, studied Chinese at a university, toured nationally as a DJ, spent a few times in jail, etc etc. I'm not proud of my past at some points, but it's something I can't avoid and has shaped me into the person I am today. The best advice I can give to anybody trying to pull off crazy shit like working in China is to just do it - don't try, just tell yourself you're going to do it and then go out and do it. You can't plan on a life in China - you need to just buy a fucking plane ticket and wing it. That's what I did.

I come from Boston, I'm 25 years old, I work in shoe development, I'm not at liberty to talk about salary because of my contract (but it's over $60k USD a year), I rent a house for about $600USD a month, I'm looking to buy a car this month, holy shit ratsta you motherfucker pulling a Rainy on me goddamn I hate you