vdamku

TL;DR: spooks and sadness

After a serious of unfortunate events came to pass, I came to the conclusion that it was in my best interest to depart in late 2016. The week of my 19th birthday, I lost several friends that were close to me within the span of 24 hours. I got incredible ill, nearly died from salmonella/dehydration. I had a bounty on my head for a significant sum, issued by the LPR/DPR fighters. FSB had black-bagged another foreigner who we knew, and credible intelligence from a Ukrainian commander suggested that I was not far down on the shit-list.

Other than that, I came to realize that no matter how many rounds spent, how many dozens lives saved/taken, the outcome remains unchanged and greater forces at play benefit from the death of Ukrainian and Russian sons and daughters. There's a significant amount of rare-earth minerals and natural gas in the Donbass region, coincidentally.

Yes! I taught my self Russian in highschool. For no particular reason, I was interested in slavic culture and the history of the region. I had learned German by my 10th grade year and so the next step to me was a synthetic, mostly non-latin derived alphabet language of prominence, ergo, Russian. I also wanted to impress girls so they would like me.

Funny enough, I had no inclinations of the possibility that I would end up in Ukraine when I began learning. It came in handy. Immersion is a great way to learn on the fly. Especially when people are trying to kill you and you have a small margin of error for communication.

I am partially of Ukrainian descent, which was a small part of the motivation. I was primarily motivated by the struggle of the Ukrainian people, who desire to be free from the Kremlin's influence, and often as well as the EU. I was in 9th grade when Crimea was annexed, and since then I had closely followed the situation as it developed in Ukraine proper. I learned about the country's history from Kyiv Rus to the SSR days, and watched as internal strife began to surface 2013-2014.

I try to stand against vapid imperialism where I see it, and this time I was fortunate enough to be presented the opportunity to lend a hand and play a small part in standing up for not just myself as developing young adult, but another country as well. I felt like I was likely going to die if my life kept it's trajectory the year before I went, and so I committed to try and at least die doing something important. I witnessed an free and independent country in Europe get straight invaded and NATO do nothing. So I certainly felt obligated.

Americans are worth a lot of money in eastern europe. Especially ones that antagonize Ivan.

It has definitely affected me. Let me start by saying a lot of people have had it a lot worse than me. I am not a worse case scenario and I like to think of myself as a rational and leveled person, but-

I do have lasting depression and other minor mental health issues as a result of my experiences. What's funny, is that the worst issues don't come from the violence and conflict per se, even though loss is awful. Most of my lasting negative effects stem from the transition from that environment to being a lost 19 year old kid with no benefits, no direction, no friends, no money, no home, and no sanity back in the states.

I see things in a different way. Other veterans understand. There's a certain element to living life and death every day, a simplicity, of do or don't that most people will never experience. Most people my age are concerned and anxious about frivolous material pursuits or social circles. I had to grow up very fast and I learned a lot of skills and developed a certain defensive mindset that's hard to turn off. Ive gotten better over the years though.

I still have trouble making friends, because I find it hard to relate to a lot of people. I carry a deep sadness in me that makes it hard to fit in to most social circles.

The other two Americans I mentioned; One of them is awaiting trial for a double homicide and the other is off the grid. I don't have contact with any of the Ukrainians I served on the ground with, and that makes me sad. I keep trying to move on from the past but I find it difficult. Everything else I face in life, one way or another, measures up to this thing I did years ago that seems like it'll always cast a shadow one way or another.

For better or worse, the war is apart of me. The struggle I faced after is apart of me. I do what I can to cope and to learn and to grow from what I've done but we're all human.