universeofdesign

Have you ever asked your mom "what evidence, if any, would change your mind?" Did she have an answer? Assuming nothing could change her mind it amounts to pure irrationality...

Reading your comments in this thread I must buy this book.

I'm now 34 and I was diagnosed ADHD at 24 and autistic at 27. You can imagine I developed a plethora of coping and masking behaviors that are less than ideal. There are people who will never know I'm autistic unless I choose to tell them, but it takes a heavy toll on me if I don't have enough time to destress.

I've been married for almost 4 years and even still my wife doesn't understand why I can be like two different people sometimes, and she's not the best at hearing my attempts to explain why. She tries really hard, but often misplaces her effort (if I am too drained to do laundry or cook she will do it when it's my turn, when really what I want is emotional help refilling my internal battery). She herself suffers with PMDD which, from the perspective of how it affects me, can range from mildly annoying to downright terrifying. I try very hard to help her and understand what's going on, but if I am at a point where I don't have the mental stamina to stay present, non-judgemental, and thoughtful while she is in a dysphoric state things get real bad, real fast. The almost complete disconnect with reality that she goes through just sets off the worst in me...

For example one day I came home from work, did the dishes, walked the dog, did laundry, cooked dinner for both of us, then went to work at my second job. I knew already she was in a bad state, but when I came in at 10pm she pointed at a single towel on the floor of the bathroom and said "you couldn't have picked that up? You never do anything you're so irresponsible it's like living with a child." I lost it and went into a rage filled melt down that we couldn't address until a few days later when her PMDD subsided. She remembers my melt downs, but forgets how strongly she is affected by her own dysphoria the moment it passes... or at least is in denial about it.

Can you offer any words of advice or encouragement? How can we work on this together? How can I better deal with her problem, and how can I better explain to her what's happening with me?