undercover2011

Thank you so much.

Some violence would definitely enter the equation on both mum and dad's part... but I don't think they would kill me. I wouldn't stick around long enough to find out. The minute I get a whiff of them knowing something; I'm evacuating. That's been my plan from day one: don't stick around to see the mess you've caused. It's cowardly. I don't know what to say other than that.

Wow, thank you so much :) You made my day.

Oh honey :( Are you from a Middle Eastern background too? I hope the best for you and your boyfriend. I really do. My stance on sexuality is rather strange to many but I don't like the rigid 'homo'/'hetero'/'bi' or any other classifications. I think an attraction between any two people can be love. I know most consider that bisexuality but gender does not enter into the love equation for me.

Also, your boyfriend's description.... interesting because his environment and the people he grew up with and their ideals are exactly similar to my parents except the education part isn't as important to them. The thing is, values for me do not conflict because I have always seen morality and religion to be very seperate things. As a young child, I was a prolific reader and at age 10; I was reading about ideologies and philosophies that transcend the religion spectrum. I think a lot of Muslim people who try to leave the faith or find themselves at odds with the fate find conflict in the values because there's some 'religious' or 'cultural' values that they appreciate a lot or think are great. However, the way I see it is - a religion may emphasize the importance of charity: this is great. Charity is good. Humans should be charitable. Great. Yet, religion wasn't the inventor of charity. Humans were. Humans were the inventors of religion too - and that includes all the good and bad things that come in religion. I can appreciate the good values of a culture or a religion without feeling conflicted.

...OK so the above makes little sense it seems... sorry... maybe I am muddled but I don't feel it :P

You're so right in everything you said. These are my exact thoughts.

I know that to any stranger reading my account; my parents must seem like demons but they are not. There are people a lot more worse off than me whose parents get physically violent. Mine are psychologically/emotionally controlling but it hasn't reached physical levels... ever.

I worry about my siblings every day and I do plan to find a way to keep tabs on them from afar somehow... I worry about how shit life is going to be for them because of me. At one point, this worry was enough to deter me from pursuing my plans but then I realised - how many other Muslim girls before me have had potential and ideals and sacrificed them for the sake of keeping the peace and not rocking the boat for everyone else? Too many. My motto is: I have to be the change I want to see.